You've Got to be Kitten Me

Summary: ((A bit of a crack fic. Part of my Halloween Trick or Treat Luke & Vader series.)) Ensign Han Solo didn't know if this was a trick or not. He had been summoned to Lord Darth Vader's personal quarters. Now the Supreme Commander was asking Han about . . . cats? It'll be a treat if Han makes it through this alive.

The pathetic Rebel worms had been crushed. The warehouses they had used as a base of operations now burned. Millions of residents called the Kuat Drive Yards orbital stardocks home. These residents worked in the Drive Yars building the Empire's ships. There could be no rebellion here. Darth Vader marched through the streets back to where his shuttle waited. The drive workers had all scattered earlier when they heard the march of the boots of the stormtroopers. Now Darth Vader walked alone along the empty streets.

As Vader walked he noticed a box on the side of the road. Written in sloppy writing the front of the box read: Free Kittens. As Vader got closer, a small cat jumped up to the lip of the box. Its front paws resting on the side. It was a small yellow cat with bright blue eyes. At once they seemed to settle on the Sith lord. Vader's step faltered only a second as he looked into the large round eyes, but then he kept moving on leaving the box and the kitten behind.

But then his steps started to slow. He couldn't shake the feeling he was being watched. He turned sharply. The small kitten was watching him from the box. Vader clenched his fists, stormed back down the street, and stopped right in front of the box. He towered above it, but the kitten didn't shrink back in fear.

The yellow kitten looked up at Vader with its blue eyes and let out a soft little mew. The Sith didn't move. He just stared. Another little mew escape the kitten and one of its little paws clawed playfully towards Vader.

That was when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, Supreme Commander of the Imperial Navy, decided to he wanted a kitten. He couldn't explain it. Sith did not have pets, especially such small useless ones as this kitten. But . . . those eyes and pleading mews and it's cute little paw trying to play with him. With Vader.

He knelt down and gently wrapped his large hands around the yellow cat. It didn't run away. It was calm as Vader started to lift it up. That was when Vader heard the hiss. His eyes were on the yellow cat, thinking he had squeezed too hard. But it wasn't the yellow cat, but a new cat. Jumping out of the box, claws out, a brown cat stuck its claws into Vader's glove. The brown cat had round folded ears that were now flat against its head as it hissed at Vader.

Vader transferred the yellow cat into the unmolested hand and tried to shake the brown cat off. But all four feet had clawed themselves into Vader's gloved. The cat had unnatural brown eyes. (Didn't cats have yellow eyes?) After several moments of trying to shake the other kitten off of him, Vader knocked the brown cat into the hand with the yellow cat. At once the vicious cat calmed down. It snuggled against the yellow cat though it still threw some hisses in Vader's direction.

Thus Vader returned to his shuttle with not one cat, but two.

Ensign Han Solo had no idea why he had been summoned to personal quarters of Darth Vader. Solo had never been to any decks near this level. They were all for high ranking officers, and this deck alone was exclusive to Darth Vader. His stormtrooper escort led him down the endless halls to a large double door. The doors slid open to reveal the large form of Solo's supreme commander.

Fear was an adequate word to describe how Solo felt in that moment.

The stormtrooper stepped out of the room, the doors slide shut, and left Solo alone with Lord Vader. There was a tense moment of silence and stillness, and then Solo remembered protocol. He snapped into a salute.

"Ensign Solo, sir," he said.

Vader didn't immediately respond. There was just the eerie sound of his breathing for a few long antagonizing seconds. Finally the dark lord spoke up.

"At ease ensign," Vader said. Solo clasped his hands behind his back. "I looked over your file. An orphan from Corellia. No family. Just the Empire."

Kriff, Solo cursed to himself. This was not good. Not good at all. This was the type of talk people gave you when they wanted someone to do something unsavory. When they wanted someone who didn't matter if you disappeared and were never heard from again.

"Tell me Ensign Solo . . ." Vader paused. Solo felt his breath trapped in his chest. What was Vader going to ask him to do? Spy on officers? Kill someone? Sabotage something? "What do you know about cats?"

Solo stood there dumbfounded. At first he thought about perhaps cats was a codeword for a secret Imperial project. But finally he managed to squeeze out, "Ca-cats? Sir?"

"Yes."

"Like . . . like the pet, sir?"

"Yes."

"I uh . . . don't know much about cats."

Another long pause filled with breathing.

"You will need to research cats, especially their young."

Ok, what was this about? Solo was so confused. "Sir?"

"Kittens, Solo. You will need to read up on kittens," Darth Vader replied.

"Why?" He couldn't stop himself from asking. Only afterwards did he curse at himself with for his loose tongue. One didn't just question their superior officers. It was why Han hadn't advanced much in the navy as he should have. And quite frankly, questioning Darth Vader could end up worse than a demotion. Everyone knew Vader killed people who annoyed him. Han swallowed hard as he awaited the commander's response.

Vader stood still examining Solo. Despite the mask, Solo was sure Vader was eyeing him up and down. Probably thinking of the best way to kill him. Maybe he would be lucky and get the laser sword. That would be quick. Then Vader turned sharpy on his heels. His cloak snapped behind him as he marched over to another door.

"Come," Vader ordered without looking back.

Han took a sharp intake of breath, steeled his nerves, and followed Vader through the other door. It appeared to be a large office. Han looked over his shoulder. Hadn't he just been in an office? There was a large formal desk in the previous room. But that room was rather . . . empty. Bare bones. This other office was larger and clearly looked more used.

The large desk was piled with neat stacks of datapads. A large holotable stood nearby. There was a large board on the wall with flimsi prints of engine schematics and fighter blueprints that had handwritten notes posted up near them. This clearly looked like Vader's personal office compared to the other office. Perhaps the other one was for more official and public uses?

Vader hadn't paused. He walked into the room over to a large metal box. There was no lid. He stopped and looked down into it. Then he looked over at Han, who slowly walked over. He grew more cautious the closer he got to Vader. He reached the box and looked down. Inside were . . . kittens. Two kittens. A yellow and brown kitten. They were curled up next to each other sleeping.

"Luke and Leia," Vader said guestering to the cats with a large gloved hand.

"Kittens?" Han said completely surprised. "Sir?" he added quickly.

The black mask turned to face Solo again. "Yes, Solo. Kittens. My kittens. They are in need of supplies. You are to research everything there are to need. Procure such items, and bring them to me." Vader fished a chipstick out of his belt pocket. "This will provide plenty of credits."

Han took the stick. He looked at the stick, down at the kittens, and back up at Vader.

"Uh . . . Sir? I don't . . . I don't think I'm going to find pet supplies on a star destroyer. I don't think they're keeping kitty litter on stock."

"The fleet will soon pull out of hyperspace at Corellia. Surely you know your home planet enough to procure pet supplies. A shuttle will be waiting to take you planetside."

Was Darth Vader pulling his whole kriffin' fleet out of hyperspace so he could allow some random ensign to go get him pet supplies for his new kitties? Is that what was happening?

"I understand sir," Solo said a bit slowly.

"Good," Vader replied. "Also, Solo, if you mention my pets, this mission, to anyone, I will know. You are not to tell anyone about this. Am I clear?"

The threat was super clear to Han. "Yes sir," Han replied.

Solo had done a decent job in finding adequate pet supplies for Luke and Leia. The kittens themselves seemed to enjoy their new belongings. Vader had set aside a corner of his personal office for the cats. He placed their cat beds next to a small heater. As Solo had explained "They really like sleeping where it's warm. It's not very warm on a starship, sir." It had been a correct assessment. The two little kittens slept by the heater a lot.

Luke had a little blue bed while Leia's bed was white with the word "Princess" embroidered in gold across the side. It appeared that Solo had a sense of humor. The ensign had also gotten a collection of cat toys and scratching pads and treats.

It was a very odd thought for Vader to realize he enjoyed the kittens. When was the last time he enjoyed something? When he felt joy? That wasn't in killing? But he did enjoy his two new little pets. He liked playing with them. His scarred lips smiled as he watched them chase a feather on a string.

Luke was by far Vader's favorite. The kitten would climb into Vader's lap and rub against him. He would purr, curl up, and sleep on Vader's lap. Leia was a different matter. She had gotten better, but she still disliked Vader. She hissed at him a lot. He could get her to play, and every now and then, if Luke was next to her, he could pet her without her hissing or attacking his glove.

Though what annoyed him the most was that Leia had no issues with Solo. In fact the brown kitten appeared to like Solo a lot. Whenever the ensign would come in, Leia would trot over to him and meow loudly at him. She would rub against his legs and let herself be picked up. She would purr happily in Solo's arms. Vader wanted Leia to do that with him.

"Ensign Solo," Vader said when Solo had come by to check on the kittens.

"Yes sir?" Solo asked.

"Why is that Leia likes you?" Solo looked down. He was holding Leia in his arms. Vader could read the confusion off the simple man. So he continued, "She does not like me. She hisses at me and won't let me hold her unlike her brother."

"Uh . . . I don't know sir. Have you tried being nice to her?" Solo asked, but Vader's silence was a clear answer. "How about only give her good treats when you're around? That way she thinks being around you is a good thing? Also make sure you aren't too . . . "

"Too?" Vader prompted.

"Scary," Solo said.

Han Solo gently took the cats out of the pet carrier and put them on their beds. They had both been sedated and were still sleepy. He gently pet them both for a bit before he stood up and left Vader's office. He was tired and ready to go get some sleep. Darth Vader had commed him in the middle of the night requesting Solo's immediate presence. When Solo arrived at the lord's quarters, he saw poor little Luke vomiting. It was clear Vader was tense and uncomfortable.

Thus this was how Han Solo had hidden two kittens and their pet carrier in a metal supplies box. Darth Vader had pulled his fleet out of hyperspace, so a shuttle could leave his ship to take his pet cats to a vet in a nearby star system.

How had Han's Imperial navy career come to this? A cat wrangler for the Supreme Commander?

Han yawned as he entered the tubrolift. However, it only went down a few more levels before the door opened again. An older man walked in. Han eyed the rank insignia on his chest. It had four red squares on top and four blue squares on bottom that were spaced widely apart. A single code cylinder hung to the right.

Han snapped to attention. "General, sir," he said.

"At ease ensign," the general said in a tired tone. He clicked a few buttons on the lift and the doors slid shut.

As the two rode down in silence, Han became very aware of the general looking at him. Not just looking, blatantly staring.

"Ensign what is your name?" the general asked.

"Ensign Han Solo, sir."

"Solo?" the general said in an oddly pleased tone. He smiled. The lift came to the general's stop and the door slid open. The general looped his arm around Solo's shoulders pulling him out of the lift. "How about a drink Solo?"

"A- a drink? Sir?" Solo asked.

The general dragged him through a set of double doors into a large room. Han looked around uncomfortably. This had to be the officer's lounge. A bar was against one wall. Various couches and chairs were set up around the room. There were tables where a few officers were playing sabacc or other games.

A few glanced at the general and the ensign. Some, most of those in the army like the general, nodded their heads at the general. A few eyed Solo's ensign rank questioningly. The general dragged Han to the bar.

"The usual," the general said to the droid bartender. He turned to Han. "And you?"

"Corellian whiskey," Han said. He wasn't about to pass up a free drink. The droid whizzed away to prepare the drinks. Once they had their glasses, the general steered Han to a set of couches near the large viewport. A man already sat there nursing a drink.

"Firmus," the general greeted happily.

"Max," Firmus nodded back. He looked over at Han. "Who is this?"

"This is Ensign Solo," Max said as he clapped Han on the back. Firmus eyes widened, but otherwise he didn't respond.

Han sat down in a chair next to Max and Firmus, which allowed him a good glance at Firmus' rank insignia. He quickly noted Firmus was a captain. Wait. Captain? As in the captain of the kriffin' ship Han was on at the moment? Han took a big swig of his whiskey.

"Solo," Max said. "I was hoping you could help me out."

"With what sir?" Han asked not liking where this was going.

"With a bet," Max said with a smile. "I've got a good amount of credits riding on this." Han only stared. "Now I know you've been assigned as Lord Vader's assistant." Kriff. "You've been going to his personal quarters quite regularly." Karkin' kriff. "And you see, the weirdest thing happened at an officer's meeting the other day. It was noticed that there was hair on Lord Vader's cloak. Blonde hair."

Kriff me into all hells, Solo cursed.

"Now, I've never seen hair on Lord Vader before. Does he even have hair? No one knows. But many believe its not his hair. So thus brings us around to the bet I've gotten involved with," Max said.

Han only stared at the general. What was he going to say? He couldn't say anything. Vader had made it pretty clear he would kill Han if he ever told anyone about the cats. The captain mistook Han's silence for ignorance.

"He wants to know where the hair came from," Firmus said dryly.

Max nodded, smiled, and took a sip of his drink.

"I'm afraid . . . sir . . . I can't tell you that," Han said.

Max leaned over towards Han. "But you do know, don't you?"

"Leave him alone, Max," Firmus scowled. "Even if Lord Vader did have some secret lover on the side, I'm sure he's been quite clear to this lowly ensign not to tell anyone."

"Secret lover?" Han exclaimed.

"Is it not a lover? Something else then?" Max asked still looking intently at Han.

"I'm sure the ensign would like to keep his head," Firmus said, "by keeping Lord Vader's personal life . . . personal."

Max sighed and leaned back in his seat. Han empitied his glass in one swallow.

Vader looked over the item Ensign Solo had left for him along with the note. It read: Your officers have noticed cat hair on you. You can have a droid use it on you next time you walk out. It's a hair collector. Picks up stray hairs the kittens have gotten all over your cloak. P.S. There is a betting pool that believes your stray hairs are from a secret lover. P.S.S. I told them nothing. P.S.S.S. To prove I have said nothing, some think I'm your secret lover, which I value my life far too much to ever say that about myself.

Vader slowly made his way into the room with his hyperbaric chamber. He sat down in the large chair and with a wave of a hand used the Force to press the button to close the large globe. The chamber hissed as it sealed shut and the fresh oxygen started to pump through. Vader slowly took off his helmet and mask. He set the mask and helmet down at his feet.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He started to let himself go into the Force. However, his meditation was quickly cut short from a soft sound. At once he sat up straight and glanced down. Pawing at his helmet was little Luke. As if sensing Vader's attention was him, the kitten stopped and turned its blue eyes up at Vader.

At once the kitten jumped at Vader's legs. It used its little claws to climb up his leg into his lap. Vader at once wrapped his large gloved hands around the kitten. What should he do? Was it even safe for the cat to be in here? Would the air affect the kitten and its small lungs? Vader placed the kitten back in his lap. He leaned over to grab his helmet and mask. Luke took the opportunity to jump onto Vader's shoulder.

Vader froze as he felt, he felt, the small wet nose press against the skin of his cheek. Vader slowly looked over at the yellow cat. Luke was sniffing Vader. Vader could feel the wet nose, the tickle of the whiskers, and the soft fur pressing against him. When was the last time he actually felt such things? Then he felt the rough little tongue as Luke licked him. Vader flinched as the tongue inflamed his sensitive skin.

Luke seemed to sense Vader's pain. The kitten started to purr and rubbed his head against Vader. Then the little cat curled up in the crook of Vader's neck. Luke purred as his eyes slowly closed. Vader slowly leaned back in his seat. He didn't want to knock Luke off his perch, which would happen if he reached down for his helmet. Instead he used the Force to bring the helmet and mask into his hands, but then he froze. Luke was in the way of him putting his mask and helmet on properly.

Vader sat there frozen. He knew he should just gently grab Luke and pull him down, but . . . he couldn't. That is when he heard another sound and felt another set of claws climbing up his leg. He glanced down to see Leia was now in his lap staring up at him and Luke. Clearly wanting to be where her brother was, she climbed up Vader's chest and on to his other shoulder.

Like her brother, she sniffed Vader's exposed face. She didn't lick him, but she didn't hiss or growl at him either. Instead she started to purr. She curled up on his shoulder. Vader figured he might as well try to meditate as he was unwilling to move or put his mask back on. He closed his eyes and let himself go into the Force. He became so acutely aware of the two little kittens sitting on his shoulders. He could not only hear their happy purrs, but feel it in the Force as well.

Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, was lulled to sleep by the purrs of his two little kittens.

AN: For those who really liked the first chapter/story in this collection, Back to the Past. It is being worked into a longer fic.