LJ's pov
(A/N: Peter still uses Kavinsky for school purposes, which is why LJ calls him Peter Kavinsky)
My life had become more and more of a mess with each passing day. But I needed to make things right with the people in my life. With a sigh to still my nerves and give me calm, I decided to start with Josh, who had know of the fake relationship for a while. Margot had left the Sunday prior to go back to her studies in Scotland. Josh and I were seated on my living room couch, and I smiled
"Hey, thank you for coming over."
He replied quickly
"Yeah, of course."
Not managing to look him in the eyes, I spoke
"So, I feel like I owe you an explanation... See, it's like driving, ok? I can imagine myself doing it and it's fine, then I get behind the wheel and I freeze up. And then I just don't know what to do."
My neighbor, who had been my first boy friend before being my sister's boyfriend (now ex), got a confused look on his face
"Ok... I don't follow."
I started over
"You were the first boy that I ever really liked. All the other letters were born out of fantasy, but yours was based off of really knowing you. And I guess I didn't really realize how I truly felt about you until you became Margot's boyfriend. But over time, that feeling just faded away, and I just missed my best friend. And it wasn't love."
He nodded, then smiled gently at me
"Why didn't you just tell me that? I feel like I would've understood."
I began to answer
"Because I didn't know... until Peter."
He got an annoyed look on his face
"Right... Peter"
I quickly spoke
"I'm really sorry."
He shrugged
"No reason to be sorry, I mean, I get where you're coming from. It's kinda how it was with Margot and I.
I had to know
"Did you stop loving Margot, after she broke up with you?"
He shrugged
"No, not at first. At some point it changed, though. The longer she was away, the more I understood why she broke it off. Do you feel the same way about Peter?"
I didn't answer the question, instead making a statement
"I know you don't like him..."
Instead of dwelling on the feud, my best boy friend thankfully switched the subject... well, kind of.
"I like how he stood up for you today at school. Even though he should have done it way sooner."
I cringed inside, being reminded of how our hot tub pictures and the assumptions that came with them had been spread around the school. Peter had put a stop to it, but still... I was brought out of my thoughts as Josh went on
"But he's a jock, and they're slow learners."
He paired the ending of that phrase with a small smile, while I laughed for the first time in a while
"You are such a snob!"
I was not truly picking on him, and he knew it. His small smile grew into a smirk as he conceded
"Yeah..."
Then he grew serious
"Look, if you miss him, why don't you just tell him?"
I shook my head
"I can't."
He raised an eyebrow
"And why's that?"
I replied
"Because if this wasn't real, I didn't lose anybody. But if I say this was real, and he still doesn't want me..."
He cut me off
"Then at least you'll know. Lara Jean, you gotta tell people how you feel about them when you feel it. You can't just sit in your room all day writing love letters you're never gonna send out. I mean, Peter wouldn't even be in your life right now if it weren't for that."
I nodded
"Yeah, you definitely have a point. I don't know, I'm just sick of sitting in my room writing love letters, it would be nice to be the one receiving them."
Before he could say anything else, Kitty spoke up from her spot on the stairs. We never saw her come down to the living room, who knew how long she had been there. She came over to me, holding the teal box my Mom had given me, where the original letters had been before she sent them out. She spoke
"Lara Jean, I have something for you. Don't kill me, but you were just always throwing these away, and I thought they were something you should keep."
Inside were a few of the "notes" Peter would hand me at school in front of Gen as part of the contract. I had never opened them. They were just folded pieces of paper with my name and a heart on the exterior anyway. It was just for show, so why bother? At Josh and Kitty's urging, I opened up the first note, expecting nothing. That was not what I got. What I read was "Lara Jean. Everyone was so impressed by your presentation in Lit. But especially me. I love having a smarty pants fake girlfriend".
Yet another read
"It's so cool how we can talk to each other about real stuff"
That was in reference to when I had told him about losing my mother to a concussion and he went into a bit more detail about his father, a defense attorney, having left his family a few years back. The last one read
"You looked so pretty today."
Smiling, Josh asked me
"Do you still think you haven't gotten a love letter?"
Realization clicked in my head. Sure there were no stamps, envelopes or stationary, but why would these heartfelt notes be any different than what I had sent to to him? Smiling, I got into my car, and drove the familiar route to Adler High, where Peter would be just wrapping up lacrosse practice as I pulled into one of the parking spaces. Letter in my hand, I strutted to the field, walking with a purpose. The other boys were clearing out, Peter still standing at the goal, removing his helmet.
When he saw me, he called out
"Hey!"
Shyly, I reciprocated
"Hi. I need to tell you something."
I now had his full attention, but ultimately chickened out
"I drove here."
He was honestly shocked, not that I blamed him. I did almost run him over backing out of a space before...
"Really? Wow, that's , uh, that's great congrats."
I nodded, then spun on my heel to leave, only for him to see the letter in my hand and let out his famous catchphrase
"Whoa, whoa, whoa , whoa, whoa. What's that?"
Quickly, I tried to shut him down
"Nothing."
Instead he smiled and spun me around, taking possession of the letter
"Oh, it's nothing?"
But his eyes softened, becoming painfully vulnerable as he realized how personal this was, and turned to me
"If you want me to read that, then you're gonna have to give it to me."
The way his voice lowered, emotion and vulnerability, but some sense of authority in it at the same time, was something only Peter managed to do.
The ball was in my court. It was now or never. Still nervous, I asked if he could turn around, and he obliged, now more vulnerable, scared and anxious than ever before. He's seen too much tragedy and sadness to count, wearing his heart on a short, non-protecting sleeve. Who knew what was going through his mind right now. I began
"Dear Peter... I need you to know"
Then I fell into silence, making him even more worried. I was not going about this the right way. I tapped him on the shoulder and he looked at me, scared, vulnerable and expecting. Love or rejection, it was hard to tell which he was bracing himself for. I cut the silence
"I need you to know that I like you, Peter Kavinsky. And not in a fake way. So I guess that's all I came here to say."
As I started to leave, he gently held me in place, letting out another string of whoas before asking
"Don't I get to say something?"
I was too nervous to react, so I just stared at him expectantly and scared as he went on
"The reason that I went to Gen's room last night, was to tell her that it's over. Because I'm in love with you, Lara Jean. Only you."
I wasn't sure if I had heard his words or what I had wanted him to say, so I let out a happy but confused
" You're what?"
His smile only broadened, no more swallowing harshly fighting away nerves. Now he leaned forward to kiss me, but I stopped him
"Wait. What do we put into a contract for a real relationship?"
He laughed a little
"Nothing. You just gotta trust."
His tone then turned teasing as he wrapped his arms around me, poised to kiss me at long last
"You gonna break my heart, Covey?"
Not bothering to answer, I simply let our lips meet. After reading all my romance novels, I had always fantasized about falling in love in a field. I just never realized it would be the one where you play lacrosse. After parting, Peter and I, now real boyfriend and girlfriend, left the field hand in hand.