A/N: Hello! Thank you for reading my fic! Thank you for commenting! And if you're the writer who took my Zola with anxiety and Bailey needing medical attention while Mer is in working ideas, go away. (kidding, sort of). If you've read my work before, you know I like to explain my thinking after every chapter. This time I'm not. I'm going to let you simmer with the chapter and have you wait until the next one. I know. I'm cruel. I've had the idea for a while and I had the first chapter written. I love fleshing out the kids, and to me, it made sense to have Zo have all these feelings after finding the post-it. Especially after something as traumatic as a fire (been there. sort of. this fic is a little triggering not gonna lie). And of course Meredith and Derek feel guilt. For the record, I am not following s19. I'm taking this single event and fleshing it out. Mer is also not chief. You'll find out why.

Happy reading! Oh and nothing is mine, all of it is Shonda's and ABC's. For legal reasons. And because I gain no monetary compensation.

"Did he do something?"

"No."

"Did he say something?"

"No."

"Zola, did you hear him say something or did you see him do something? What's going on?"

"No and no!" Zola cried, "He didn't say and he didn't do anything, okay!"

"Zola, you gotta tell me what's going on," Derek pleaded, gripping the steering wheel tightly. "Listen, I-I don't get in the middle of your mom's relationships but if Nick Marsh did something to you-Zo, I promise I will fix it. I would kill for you, Zola Grey Shepherd, you know that!"

Zola couldn't help the tug at her lips as she imagined her dad angrily confronting the man who'd been dating her mother for the last months. She turned to him, her eyes softening, and shook her head, "You're too much of a good guy to do that, Dad. You always tell Bailey that fists don't solve-"

"Not if anyone is hurting you and your siblings," Derek put the car in park and turned to face her, "Seriously, sweetie, I'm worried. You've never once said anything bad about the guy and you sure as hell have never brought up the fact that your mom and I-"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Zola sighed, "Can you just forget I said anything? I was upset and tired and the fire had just happened, Dad. That's it. I'll get over it."

She pushed the door open and stepped out of the car.

"Zo! Before you leave," Derek called out before Zola stomped away. She peeked in through the open passenger door window and raised her brow, "Where'd you find the post-it?"

Zola stared at him for a moment before shrugging, "Mom said she's picking me up. I'll see you later."

A bell rang in the distance.

"We're not done talking about this!" Derek yelled after her, his voice filled with frustration and concern, as he watched his daughter run through the school gates.

She rubbed the back of her neck and looked up at the surgical board. Too much had happened the night before and yet she was still here. She was still saving lives and she was still hoping to get in another one. But the exhaustion in her body told her that she needed a break.

Another surgery and the rest of the day was filled with follow ups and consultations. She sighed before turning to the nurses station and picked up a tablet. A blonde woman stormed through the doors and entered the surgical wing.

Maggie furrowed her brows, "Meredith?"

Maggie ran down the hallway and followed the blonde woman march down the hallway and into the attendings' lounge.

"Meredith, slow down!"

"What?" Meredith turned to her. Her green eyes were slightly reddened. Her shoulders slouched and she leaned against a chair. She was barely holding herself up.

Maggie blinked, "What are you doing here?"

"Working," Meredith deadpanned, "What else am I supposed to be doing?"

"Taking time to be with the kids? Dealing with the insurance company? Finding a contractor- oh!"

Meredith sighed, "Maggie-"

"I'm sure Derek might know someone who can check out the house. Maybe he can-"

"Okay stop," Meredith yelled. She ripped off her purple scrub cap and tossed it on the table, "the house caught on fire. There's a massive hole in the ceiling. The kids got out and they are safe. But I have a job, Maggie. I've got patients-"

"Who can wait," Maggie calmly said, "Meredith, as a fellow surgeon, as your colleague, I am telling you that you cannot go into an OR. I mean look at you, you're overwhelmed right now."

"I'm fine! In fact just finished removing a gallbladder from a fifty-year old-"

"Dr. Grey," Maggie shook her head, "You need to take a breath."

She was right. The world around her was collapsing and literally burning into flames. The load on her shoulders was too heavy but there was no one else she could ask to share the load with.

"Sorry, I just-" Meredith sunk into a chair with a heavy exhale, "Thank you for taking care of my kids last night. I can never thank you enough."

"You know how much I love those kids," Maggie smiled as she sat down in the chair across from her, "I'd do anything for them. I'm just glad they're safe. Are they in school?"

"Derek took them," she nodded, "Ellis seems to be doing okay. Bailey had nightmares. And Zola won't speak to me."

"What? Why? Is she in shock? She seemed to be doing okay-"

"She said something last night that's been bothering me."

"About?"

"Zola has always been mature and has always understood that her dad and I are not together. She was little when it happened but she was used to it because he'd left to D.C. and he was coming back and forth and we were both-"

Stubborn. Angry. Frustrated. Jealous. Resentful.

She could use an entire dictionary of words to describe the year when it all fell apart. He was to blame, she convinced herself. He chose a job over their family and didn't fight back. His absence had convinced her that she didn't need him. She had a streak of successful outcomes, her children were thriving, and she felt like the damn sun.

And when he returned determined to make it work, it'd been too late.

They had fights. They had said cruel things to each other. Things that hurt and scarred. Things that they could never take back. Their fights had been loud and they had forced their respective sisters to take sides no matter how much they had respected each other. The hospital had become a battleground and she was certain that she had heard a rumor that he was planning on taking a position at a medical center by The Sound. Despite the constant fights and battles, they made it a point to avoid the battle in front of their children.

At least that's what she had hoped.

Meredith felt a knot in her throat as the memory of the anger in her daughter's eyes flashed before her. Zola had been angry. Truly angry. For the first time in her life, her daughter had blamed her for something that was just too complicated. A web of events that no one could untangle no matter how hard they had tried.

Meredith swallowed the knot and continued, "Last night she was upset. She was sitting in his bed and she had our old post-it in her hands."

"What post-it?"

There was a lock and key in the vault where Meredith kept the legend that once was Meredith and Derek. She kept it hidden and she had refused to open it. It was like a sacred capsule that she couldn't open in fear that the pain would return to her all over again. But there was no burying when the living proof of what they once were was in their children. So she refused to share stories with Maggie. She refused to open up about any details and anything Maggie knew was through the grapevine and the gossip of Grey Sloan.

Maggie watched as Meredith smiled at the old memory. For once, she'd opened the vault.

"Nothing it's-"

She became silent for a moment before closing the vault once more.

"I don't know where she got it. I don't know where she found it but she had it in her hands and she said that Derek and I are both liars. And maybe we are."

Maggie sat pensively, "She was in the house when lightning struck it. A tree fell in the old play room. Her mom rushed over and her dad came to the house after. And then you stayed at his house, just the five of you. Maybe she just had some hope."

Meredith rested her head against her palm before she sighed and grabbed her scrub cap.

"Or maybe we're just liars."

He's always been attracted to the silence. It was as close as he would get to pure peace even if someone's life was in his hands. It's why he had dedicated his life to neurosurgery. The concentration forced him to be surrounded by silence and when all was said and done, the purity of water running down his hands was exactly what he needed.

After all these years, he still chased the silence.

The doors to the scrub room swung open with a loud bang as Amelia entered, her energy immediately disrupting the calm. "How's Meredith?" she asked, her voice cutting through the air like a knife.

His sister however, was not silent. She was never drawn to it. If a certain blonde had once claimed he was chatty Cathy, she had clearly never met Amelia.

Derek turned to her, "She's fine. I think. She left early in the morning so I didn't get a chance to talk to her."

"What about the kids?"

"Not great," he sighed as he shut the valve and reached for a dry towel, "Bailey had nightmares last night. He dreamt that he was still in the house as it was burning-"

"Oh my God," her eyes widened, "And he's at school?"

"Yeah, he didn't want to stay home," he nodded, "We called his counselor this morning and she recommended that he go so he can have some normalcy and they promised to check in with him throughout the day."

"What about the girls?"

"Ellis slept with her mom last night and Zola," he grabbed a towel to dry his hands as he shook his head, "She was upset and- hey when were you gonna tell me Meredith broke it off with Nick."

"Meredith broke it off with Nick? Since when?" Amelia's surprise was genuine.

"I don't know," he shrugged.

"What does this have to do with Zola?"

"Meredith just said he resigned and took off. Zola was really upset last night and said some things about Meredith and I not being together and I think it may have to do with him leaving."

"Or it may be because she wants her parents together, Derek. Your kid may be smart but she's still a kid. And she just went through something terrifying."

"Mm," he hummed, his mind clearly elsewhere. He tossed the towel in the hamper and leaned against the steel sink.

His phone chirped. Derek pulled it from his pocket and sighed when he read it.

"You okay?"

"It's Meredith," he pressed his lips into a thin line, "She's asking for the contact information for a contractor to look at the house."

Amelia studied him for a moment. She imagined the days when he couldn't even reach her through a text message. When things were communicated through lawyers and when she sat with him for hours as he processed the news that Meredith had been pregnant through Alex Karev.

He'd felt the heartbreak straight through his bones and somehow he managed to pick up the pieces and move forward.

"Oh," Amelia nodded, "Hey, uh, while you're busy doing that-"

"Uh-huh?" he continued to type without glancing at his sister.

Amelia shifted uncomfortably, "You know how I promised not to meddle between you and-"

Derek's head snapped up to her, his eyes narrowing, " You promised. You promised you wouldn't meddle, I know you don't like-"

"Technically it's not meddling! And I didn't say anything about Mer staying at your place!" She shrugged defensively , "But she was gonna find out about the fire from anyone in the hospital! Everyone's talking about it!"

"Derek!" the door burst open and a lithe woman with auburn hair tucked neatly in a pink scrub cap stormed in, "Amelia just told me! Are you okay? Are the kids okay?"

She swung her arms around his neck, mindlessly pushing Amelia to the side. Amelia blinked and stepped away. She watched as he wrapped his arms around the woman and rubbed her back gently.

"They're fine. They're okay."

"Meredith?" she pulled back and rested her lithe hands on his shoulders, rubbing them softly, "She's okay too, right? What happened?"

"Lightning struck the house. It was pretty scary but the kids got out on time and Meredith is doing good."

"Oh my God, you must've been so worried about the kids. I'm sorry I wasn't here, honey," her arms wrapped around his neck again as she leaned in to press her lips against his cheek.

Derek caught sight of Amelia rolling her eyes again before pushing the doors open and exited.

"Oh it's… fine," he smiled as he pulled away gently, "I'm just glad you're back. How was your conference?"

Derek stared at her, his heart pounding in his chest, his mind reeling as he watched Meredith abruptly jump off the bed. Her movements were frantic, her breath uneven, as she reached for her clothes, her hands trembling with a mix of panic and determination.

"What?" His voice was laced with confusion, his brows furrowing as he tried to make sense of what was happening. Moments ago, they were entwined in each other's close as they had ever been, and now she was pulling away, "Meredith, what's wrong?"

"I-I-I can't-," she swallowed the thick lump in her throat, "I can't do this anymore. We can't do this anymore. We need- we- we need a divorce."

"Meredith-"

"You came back," she heaved, "But you were gone and I was successful. And I didn't need you. You left. You were gone and while you were gone, I was fine. So what the hell does that tell-"

"Did you hear what I said? I said you were everything!"

"It's not enough," she rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

The stench was worse. She walked around the puddles of water on the living room floor and looked around. The furniture was darkened with ash and the drip of the water coming in from the ceiling echoed in the house.

The house that was once inhabited by overly worked interns and a family of three was no longer the house that surrounded her. It wasn't the house that her three children came to know and it wasn't the house that she vaguely remembered when she was five. It was a shadow of it. A haunted shadow. She stared at the fireplace and she could swear that she heard a faint echo of Cristina's shriek the night of Izzie's party. She could see herself dancing on top of a table with Cristina and George. She could see the twinkling lights of the Christms tree she, Izzie, and George sat under. And she could hear the crackle of the fire Derek had lit the night he made a bed for them. She could see Zola take her first steps and Derek kicking himself over not capturing it on camera. She could see herself shrieking in delight at the miracle she had witnessed in her child.

"Your problem is in the attic," a voice called out startling her, "And in the study. The house is sturdy and you don't have too many damages. So you'll just need repairs and hopefully nothing went in between the walls here. You may want to think about finding a place for a few weeks."

Meredith sighed, "Weeks?"

"Could be months, if I'm honest. Insurance companies tend to drag these things out," the man shrugged, "You said you called your insurance right?"

"I did," Meredith shook her head.

"Good," he nodded, "I'd get rid of all this furniture. A lot of it reeks of soot and smoke and even if you send it to wash, the stench will be penetrated."

Meredith stared at the man as he continued speaking. Most of the words became gibberish.

"I'll be back with the inspector," the man offered his card, "You may want to ask your insurance about living arrangements. Some offer that."

"Yeah, I can't stay at my ex-husband's any longer," Meredith muttered under her breath.

"Oh yeah," the contractor nodded, "Dr. Shepherd, right? He's a good guy. I remember when he first contacted me and showed me the land out in Bainbridge! Ha! He was so excited and said the house was for his future family and-"

The man caught Meredith's raised brow. He cleared his throat, "Call me uh, if you- I'll be in touch and offer a discount okay?"

She pursed her lips into a tight grin.

The contractor gave Meredith a sympathetic nod before heading out, his boots leaving wet prints on the floor. The door creaked as it closed behind him, and Meredith was left alone in the devastated living room, the echo of dripping water her only company.

She stood there, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on her. The enormity of the repairs, the displacement, the uncertainty—it all felt suffocating.

The front door creaked open again, and for a moment, Meredith thought the contractor had returned. But instead, Derek stepped in, his face immediately etched with concern as he took in the scene. His eyes locked onto hers, and he crossed the room in a few quick strides, avoiding the puddles as he went.

"Don't tell me Bailey's counselor called? I knew we shouldn't have let him-"

"No, no, he's okay. He's fine. I was on my way home and I thought I'd stop by," he sighed, "How'd it go?

"The contractor said it could be weeks, maybe months," she sighed, "Thanks for sending him so soon."

"He owed me a favor," He shrugged, "You okay?"

"No. He just told me I'm, by definition, homeless for the foreseeable future. I am not okay."

Derek watched as she began pacing. She rubbed her hands together as she bit her bottom lip. She was anxious. She was desperate to run out and scream at the top of her lungs or hide in a closet while she let the tears roll down her cheeks. He felt the urge to pull her against him and promise he'd fix it.

But that wasn't his place anymore. Still, he was unwilling to stand there and watch helplessly.

"You and the kids can stay with me-"

Meredith pulled back slightly to look up at him, her eyes searching his own for any hint of doubt. "Thank you, but I can't."

"Meredith-"

"The medical conference in New York ended yesterday," she sighed, pacing in the living room, her movements agitated, "I know Alice is back and she probably won't be okay with your ex-wife staying at your place."

"She'll understand," Derek interrupted, his voice firm but gentle. "This is about the kids and making sure you have a safe place to stay. And if the roles were reversed-"

"Damn it, Derek!" Meredith snapped, her voice rising. "It's not that simple. I don't want to confuse Zola any more than she already is! Don't you think we've done enough damage to her and the kids already?!"

Derek's face fell, hurt flashing across his features. "Meredith, I'm just trying to help-"

"Well, maybe I don't need your help!" she shot back, her frustration boiling over, "The kids are your responsibility, not me! You don't owe me anything! I'm fine and I can find a place all on my own!"

The words hung in the air, heavy and bitter. Meredith took a shaky breath, her anger ebbing as quickly as it had surged. Derek didn't respond. His eyes remained locked on her until she exhaled and stopped in her tracks, distress written all over her face.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry," she muttered as she wrapped her arms around herself, "It's just... it's just too much with the fire and the house and Zola-"

"Yeah, I know. I'm worried about her, too. She was still upset when I dropped her off this morning," Derek sighed, his shoulders sagging slightly. He leaned against the wall leading towards the living room and studied her carefully.

"Had she ever mentioned anything like what she said about-about us?," she asked, "I mean she's never acted out like that and she never said anything about the divorce she was still little when it happened-"

"No, she never has," Derek shook his head.

Meredith blinked, her voice softening, "Did she ever say anything to you about Nick? I mean I thought- he seemed to get along with the kids? Did I miss something?"

"I asked her this morning if he'd done or said anything and she insisted that he didn't."

"You'd never asked before? That's surprising coming from you-"

"I make it a point not to ask them because I don't want them to think I'm against you and- I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable position."

She shifted uncomfortably. That had been surprising. He hadn't taken it lightly when she began to see other people. The first of the victims had been a cardiothoracic surgeon. She saw a little bit of Derek's arrogance and she thought that perhaps it was what had attracted him to her. But that was very short lived after the love of his life turned out after years of presumed death. A second relationship came in an unsuspecting resident. She'd heard the comments and snickers from every staff member in the hospital. She was the resident once and now she'd gotten one of her own. He had fellowships offered from multiple hospitals and it didn't surprise her at all when he decided to make the move to Boston. Frankly, she was relieved.

But Nick Marsh was different. He didn't live in Seattle and didn't face the daily wrath of Derek Shepherd. He wasn't fazed by it when he agreed to help locum tenens because he kept his distance from him. And he was nothing like Derek. And maybe it was because Derek couldn't get near him that made her stay in the relationship longer than she expected. Maybe it was because she thought he was finally he couldn't pinpoint anything wrong with. He wasn't a replacement and he wasn't a retelling of a story.

Still, there was something that just never fit. And his constant need for reassurances and over excessive neediness was just enough for her to walk away. Or letting him leave. Whatever it had been.

Old wounds were hard to heal and hers were deep.

"But she'd bring him up. So would the other two," Derek shrugged as he pulled her from his thoughts, "It seemed like they liked him. They'd say good things."

Meredith kicked a rock across the room before resuming her pacing. She huffed in frustration as she tapped the back of her phone against her palm.

"Why did you and Nick break things off?"

She raised a brow, "I thought you made it a point not to ask about him?"

"Not when my kids are lashing out," he shook his head as he straightened. He crossed his arms

Meredith glared at him, her eyes narrowing, "After you and I published the Parkinson's research, Hamilton offered me my own lab. And a higher position at The Clinic. It was a big offer."

"Okay? What does that have to do with Marsh?"

"I said no," she shrugged, a bitter laugh escaping her, "I turned it down and he was not happy. I mean he was here temporarily to help while we got our crap together at Grey Sloan. He said things. I said things. So he resigned. And he left."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. It-" she waved him off, "He was asking for commitment and you know me and my lack of commitment to any stable relationship."

He watched her pace as he thought about the first time he'd seen them together. He wouldn't lie. He was bitter and angry that she had easily moved on. With the cardio guy and the kid. He hated both and he made sure to make their life a living hell. But even he could see that he wouldn't stand a chance if the guy lived in another state. So he did what he was left to do. Let her be and try to move on. And he had. Alice had been someone whose company he seemed to enjoy over the last year. She'd been offered the pediatrics position Alex Karev had left open and had asked him out several occasions. He had politely declined until he realized that Meredith had truly moved on. He just gave up and gave in.

"Why did you say no to the job?"

Meredith stopped her pacing, "Are you forgetting I have three kids to worry about? They have lives here. Besides you-"

She stared at him for a moment before shrugging, resuming her pacing.

"You thought I would say no," Derek finished for her, his tone more resigned than accusatory.

"We didn't have an easy divorce remember?" she replied, her voice tinged with bitterness, "You can't blame me for wanting to watch my own back after the crap you tried-."

He rolled his eyes, "I never suggested I would pursue sole custody-"

"No, you just sent your lawyer—" she interrupted, her voice rising in anger.

"I never sent him!" Derek shot back, raising his voice in return, "You were the one who tried to keep Ellis from me—!"

"I never—!" Meredith's voice cracked, the anger faltering as she swallowed a lump in her throat. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she stared at him. "I never tried to keep her, I just needed time—"

"I know, I know, it was complicated. I'm sorry we-" he sighed, "It's in the past we promised we let it go. I'm sorry."

Derek uncrossed his arms and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. She was right. He'd given her enough reasons to not trust him whether they had been together or not.

But if you had asked a third party- any third party- they would tell you they were both wrong. And they were both right. And they were both scared and terrified of losing their kids. Angry at each other for letting go of the string that once tied them together. And heartbroken at losing the love of their life. They were mourning and stuck in the stage of anger. They just couldn't admit it.

"Me too," she whispered.

They stared at each other for a moment. Like the times where the world would just stop and the pain was still throbbing. All the times where things like wives and sick mother's were between them didn't compare to the pain that was felt now.

They had made a choice, a deliberate one. They both walked away, abandoning a sacred scrap of blue paper that once held their vows, discarding it like trash. The loss was profound. Cutting deeper than any betrayal, because this pain was self-inflicted.

This pain was worse.

"Okay, well," Derek cleared his throat, "I'm gonna go. You got the kids right? I'm assuming you're dropping them at my place later?"

She nodded as she watched him make his way out the door.

"Derek?"

He turned back without hesitation, "Yeah?"

She sighed at the way his eyes seemed to soften.

"I really am sorry," she murmured softly, "For yelling earlier. I know you want to help and you have helped me a lot, it's just-"

She shrugged. There wasn't much she could explain. But he understood it all. He could read her perfectly and he knew that her emotions and words were something she could never truly connect. Even after the fights and the arguments, he got her. He just got her.

"I know," he resisted the urge to embrace her. Instead he tapped against the doorframe, "And for the record, I would've worked something out. You know so you could make the move?"

She stared at him, surprised at the admission. She had sworn that he would've put up a fight and madef it impossible for her to leave. A part of her would've understood because if the roles were reversed there was no way in hell she'd let him leave with their kids.

But now it seemed that things had changed between them. That time had mended some open wounds.

"Let me know what you decide to do or if you need a place to stay. The door's always open."

"Okay," she whispered as he left. Leaving her in the empty, cold, ruined house. Haunted by vague and holy memories within the walls.

Meredith couldn't react as a hand wrapped around her arm, yanking her into the on-call room. The door slammed shut behind her, and she found herself face-to-face with Derek, his eyes blazing with fury.

"What the hell-?"

"You're pregnant and you didn't tell me?"

She blinked, "What?"

"You're pregnant," Derek spat angrily as he emphasized each syllable.

"Whether or not I am pregnant is not your business anymore," she clenched her jaw angrily, "You're not my husband remember?"

"We had sex before we signed those papers. We had sex the day we dropped off the keys at the house in Bainbridge-"

"What's your point?"

"What's my point? That's what you're going to go with?"

Meredith crossed her arms, "I'm not your wife. You're not my husband. That night meant nothing. We were scratching an itch, that was it. You have no right to anything, do you understand that?"

"Meredith—"

"Don't, Derek," she cut him off, her voice sharp, "Don't you dare try to turn this into something more than it is. We signed the papers. It's done, we're done"

"You're pregnant," he repeated, his tone laced with disbelief, as if saying it again would somehow make it less true. "You're pregnant, and you didn't think I had a right to know?"

"You don't!" she snapped back,"You lost that right the moment we signed those papers. You lost that right the minute you chose a job in D.C. over-"

"You told me to go! You were hiding at Alex's and avoiding me before I left-"

"And you walked away! You made a choice! And I made mine. I told you I could live without you and that's exactly what I'm doing. This—" she gestured vaguely between them, "—whatever this is? Whatever this was, it's over. It's been over."

Meredith turned towards the door and slammed it behind her, his final words echoing in her ear.

"We're not done, Meredith! This isn't over! We have to talk about this! Meredith!"

Meredith marched down the hallway. She didn't look back. She couldn't. If she did, she knew she might crumble. She knew that she might give in to the part of her that still wanted to believe in them.

Ellis looked out the window and stared at the cars as they zoomed past her. She stared at the familiar houses as she rested her chin against her forearm.

"Are you staying home with us again?"

Meredith tried to mask the twisting feeling in her stomach, "No, sweetie, I'm staying at Auntie Maggie's tonight and you're staying with Daddy."

"Why?" Ellis furrowed her brow.

"I uh," Meredith glanced at the almost teenager sitting in the passenger seat, "Aunt Maggie invited me to stay and it would be rude of me not to."

"Daddy invited you too."

"They're divorced, Ellis," Zola muttered, "Divorced parents don't live with each other."

"Zola," Meredith chided.

"Mom," Bailey scooted forward until his head was between both seats, "Are you gonna be okay at Aunt Maggies."

Meredith shut the car off as she noticed Derek make his way down the pathway, "Yeah, baby, I'm gonna be okay. Are you gonna be okay? I'm worried about you Bails-"

"It was a nightmare," Bailey shook his head, "I'm fine, I promise."

"Okay," She pushed his blonde tresses away from his forehead, "I'll call you before you go to sleep, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Of course," Meredith nodded, then glanced at Derek, who had been patiently waiting for her signal. He stepped forward and opened the back door, greeting the kids with a warm smile.

"Mom got us burgers!"

"And fries," Ellis added.

"It's not a date if it's technically her week," Zola muttered again.

"Zola!"

Meredith's eyes flickered towards Derek as he released an exhausted sigh, "Hey, guys, why don't we give your momma and Zola a minute?"

He shut the door closed after offering a sympathetic smile to his co-parent.

"Okay," Meredith sighed, "I'd get it if this was you sulking because you're almost a teenager and you're supposed to do that, but this isn't that Zola. This is something else."

"It's nothing-"

"It is something," Meredith insisted, "Your Dad tried talking to you this morning, and I tried talking to you during dinner but you keep closing the door on us. We're worried."

Zola remained silent.

"Zola, it's me," Meredith insisted, "You've never kept your feelings from me and I don't want you to start now. You can tell me anything."

There was something poetic about the fact that Meredith had adopted a child. She'd lived a very lonely childhood and lived with a mother who never wanted to be one in the first place. There were years when she felt that couldn't- and wouldn't- be a mother. She didn't want to be Ellis Grey and the only way to avoid that was by eliminating the option altogether. But then Derek Shepherd had met Zola Limbani, he just knew she was meant to be their daughter. It had frightened Meredith. It terrified her until one day she allowed herself to open up to the opportunity to love someone so much more than she ever imagined in a way she never thought possible. And the same could be said about Bailey and Ellis. But that bond with her eldest was something that was just…special. And seeing her in so much pain hurt her.

Meredith watched as Zola stared into her hands before slowly looking up at her.

"I found the box in your room," Zola whispered, "I don't know it just brought up all these feelings and I don't even know why I'm mad."

"You're mad at me and your dad," Meredith said knowingly, "I think I can guess. Or I can try."

Zola watched her expectantly.

"You're angry because two adults made a big decision and you're feeling that they didn't think of you when they made that choice," Meredith exhaled, "Did I nail it?"

"Kinda."

"Yeah, I thought so," Meredith shifted in her seat, "I know that feeling."

"No you don't."

"Maybe not exactly how you do," she shrugged, "But my dad left me and my mom when I was five and then she checked out because- well she had her reasons that I can't get into right now but I never understood how selfish they could be."

"Now as an adult, I can sympathize with them. But I was still angry," Meredith continued as she reached to soothe the top of her daughter's head, " I get it Zo. I understand that you're mad at Dad and me."

Zola stared ahead for a moment before turning to her mother again, "I'm sorry I've been mean."

"I know," Meredith smiled.

The mother and daughter sat in a comfortable silence for a moment.

"I know your dad asked already but I have to ask," Meredith broke the silence, "Did Nick do anything to make you upset or uncomfortable?"

Zola turned to her with an annoyed look, "No, he didn't. I would've told you or dad right away. He was nice. Besides Dad said he would kill him if he did-"

"When did he say that?" Meredith asked, her eyebrows raising in surprise

"Today when he asked the same thing," Zola smirked.

Meredith chuckled. It'd been a contentious divorce. It'd been a difficult divorce. Their children were unknowingly caught in the crossfire. They both fiercely fought for their children and somehow a cloud opened amidst the dark battles reminding them of their own misfortune as children. Dead parents. Deadbeat dads and murders. Abandonments and grief. All of it was something both Meredith and Derek were unwilling to let their children suffer.

Meredith smirked, "He'd probably be too late because I probably would've gotten to him first."

Zola giggled before the silence took over again, "Are you gonna be okay, mom?"

"Yes Zola," Meredith reached to tenderly brush her fingers against her daughter's soft cheek, "I will be fine."

Zola smiled.

"You want me to walk you inside?" Meredith asked softly."

"Um," Zola reached for her bag as she blinked rapidly, "It's okay. I think Alice is coming for dinner since she was out of town. She doesn't stay over so maybe-"

"Oh, right," Meredith nodded knowingly as she masked any awkwardness, "No, it's okay, you're dad and I already- Zo, I'll pick you up tomorrow morning and take you three to school. Tell-tell Bailey and Ellis, please."

Zola nodded as she opened the passenger door and stepped out, "Mom?"

"Yes, Zozo?"

She popped her head through the open window and shifted slightly, "Is it okay if I'm still a little upset. I mean, I don't want to be but-."

"I know," her mom nodded, "It's okay. Just know that no matter what happened or happens between your dad and I, we both love you very much. And we wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Or let anyone hurt you. That we always agreed on."

"I love you too," Zola smiled one last time before turning towards the house.

"Zo!"

She turned to her mother with a raised brow.

"It's not a box," Meredith said, "It's a post-it."

"A post-it," Zola echoed, "Got it."

Meredith watched as she ran towards the house. She watched the shadows dance through the windows.

There was a woman inside her ex-husband's house. There was a woman having dinner in her ex-husband's house. There was a woman sitting next to her ex-husband laughing and joking with her children.

Her heart clenched. Her mouth tasted bitter and sour and she wanted to crawl out of her skin.

She'd never been on this end. And for the first time, she wondered if this is what Derek had felt when he had been the one to watch her move on with someone else.

"Hey," Meredith walked up towards the man leaning against the nurses' station and fidgeted with her hands. He wouldn't react here. Not after their suspension all those years ago when their constant bickering finally came to a head in front of the patients. She studied Derek as he typed into the tablet.

"Hey?" Derek turned to her with a furrowed brow, "Did you need something?"

"No, I uh, well, kind of. But not for me, I mean yes for me but it's about the kids and-"

"What's wrong with the kids?" Derek's expression shifted, his attention snapping fully to her, the concern in his ocean eyes sharp "Are they okay?"

"They're great! They're fine. They're uh," she swallowed. She could feel herself unraveling, the confidence she usually wore like armor crumbling in his presence. This shouldn't have been so hard. She'd done it before. She'd introduced her kids to someone. But the nerves inside her were worse than they had been the first time around, "Listen this thing with Nick?"

"Marsh?" Derek clenched his teeth as he returned to typing, "The transplant guy from The Clinic?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded.

"What about him?"

"I think I'm ready for him to meet the kids," Meredith swallowed hard.

He stopped his typing. He froze.

"The last time-"

"It's not like last time," she shook her head as she studied him, "This is different. It's not a fling and Zola is not meeting him by accident. It's- Derek, he's moving here for a few months to help with the hospital while we find our footing again and he'd like to meet them. I want them to meet him."

Derek licked his lips before shutting the tablet down, "Thanks for letting me know."

He walked around her and placed the tablet in its charging station before walking towards the elevator.

"That's it? You're not gonna- that's it?"

He furrowed his brow, "Well what did you expect?"

"I told you I wanted the kids to have dinner with Riggs and me all those years ago, and you were pissed. You were livid. And you were furious when I told you Zola saw Andrew and me when you brought her to the hospital," she spat out,

"Things have changed," he shrugged as he pressed the button. His eyes looked up towards the elevators. There was no emotion behind them. They darkened as the charm she once loved died. The light in them was dull.

"What things? What do you mean? What the hell are you talking about?" she demanded, her voice rising as desperation clawed at her insides. He met someone, he thought, that doctor with the dark hair had finally won him over. She shook her head as she waited for a response.

The doors opened and he stepped in. He placed his hands against the sliding door for a moment, "I'm done. I've been done for a while."

Meredith scoffed, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I-" Derek looked around for a moment before shrugging defeatedly, "I hoped that maybe one day we'd both wake up and realize that we fucked up but we both I fucked up so I should do the right thing and let you go."

Meredith stared at him, stunned into silence.

"I'm done hoping," he said quietly, his voice breaking as he released his grip on the doors, letting them close between them.

"Good luck with the kids," he added, offering a tight, almost forced smile as he let the elevator doors close. The sound of the bell as the elevator ascended was the final nail in the coffin of something they had both clung to for far too long.

She just didn't know she had clung for as long as he had.

Derek watched as the doors closed in front of him. The elevator hummed as it reached the next floor. The elevator jerked to a halt, and in that small, confined space, the silence descended, thick and suffocating. He was alone now, truly alone, and there was no one left to see him fall apart.

For the second time, he let the tears flow and his fist throbbed the instant it hit the wall.