There's this thing that happens after a catastrophe. After a fire. The insurance auditors ask you to take stock of what was lost; clothes, furniture; frames. They ask you to provide a list and estimate of a dollar amount of what you lost. They won't pay for everything, hell, they won't pay for most of it but it's a start.

Or so they say.

So you start digging through the rubble, and you find things you haven't thought about in a long time. An old T-shirt from your alma mater that you haven't worn in years. Your kid's old stuffed animal that they once couldn't live without. A frame with a photograph you thought you'd never see again because you hid it, intending never to find it again.

Even if it was a beautiful memory. You hid it because you were angry and determined to move on.

You find things from the past that you didn't want to think about. Things meant to be hidden. Forgotten. Because they're filled with the truth you've tried to avoid. They're filled with the lies you've told yourself.

But then the past and its ugly truth are right there in front of you, covered in ash and soot. And you're expected to put a dollar amount on it.

Life really has a way of laughing back at you.

Some time has passed and Meredith can still hear the crackling of the fire and the wailing sirens as Amelia drives up the road. She can still feel the strain in her chest, knowing her children are somewhere near the house and that she isn't there with them. She can still smell the ashes and the stench the fire has left behind. And she can still see the fear in her children's eyes when she finally reaches them.

Her phone chirps. She looks down at it, rolls her eyes, stuffs it back into her pocket, and looks back up at the children chasing the soccer ball. She can easily make out Bailey in the blue uniform and red socks scuffed with grass stains. She smiles as he reaches the ball and kicks it to a teammate. His blonde hair is stuck to his forehead, and his tongue pokes out in concentration. It almost reminds her of—

"Hey."

Meredith turns to the voice and smiles. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh, he's my kid," she smirked as she looked out onto the soccer field. She spotted the young boy with blonde tresses run down the field before turning back to Derek, "Did you forget that? I kinda birthed him."

"Right, right. I think I was there for that," Derek chuckles.

"I think I remember you there," Meredith grins.

He looks out at the field and stuffs his hands into his pockets before stepping closer to her. "I, uh, meant, you're usually over on that side, letting Tommy's mom yap your ear off."

"I think she's on to me," Meredith rolls her eyes. "I thought I was doing a really good job at pretending to listen, but now she asks me questions."

"Ah." He rests his foot on the lower bleacher and nods.

"Also, it's less sunny here," she shrugs.

"Hmm," he laughs as he adjusts his baseball hat. "Still dark and twisty."

Meredith raises a brow and chuckles before glancing at him. "How are you?"

He blinks, surprised at the natural turn of their conversation. This is still new. Months ago, they were cordial, respectful, but never sat together at games or held conversations that lasted longer than pleasantries and information about their kids. Chuckles, mockery, and conversations were something they were both certain were gone.

He thinks about it for a moment. Perhaps that's what he misses the most. They fact that their conversations, their jokes, had come so natural to the pair. They never forced a conversation or sat in uncomfortable silence. They would stay up nights talking about the most mundane of things. Secrets, dreams, hopes, and aspirations. And other times they would sit in a comforting silence just enjoying…them.

But that was gone.

"Ah, busy. I've seen better days."

"Oh," she sighs softly, tilting her head slightly in an effort to catch a glimpse of his eyes hidden under the cap. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Derek presses his lips together before looking up at her. "I heard about your patient—the one who needs a triple organ transplant? I'm sorry. It sounds like a tough case."

"It's a one-in-a-million chance. Finding all three transplants?" she shakes her head. "Her daughter's expecting her first grandchild. I really hope she gets a chance to hold him."

"Mm." Derek hums. "Well, knowing you, she'll get a chance to."

He smiles gently before moving to sit next to her. She slides slightly to make room for him and doesn't miss the stares from the soccer moms who have always tried to flirt with him. She stuffs her hands into her hoodie pockets and watches as Bailey kicks the ball with gusto toward the net.

He misses.

"Zola? Ellis?"

Meredith turns to Derek. "Zo is with Maggie, and Ellis is out in the playground with a friend. She's wearing the pink sweatshirt—"

"Oh, she hates that sweatshirt," Derek clicks his tongue as he spots their daughter running around with a high ponytail. He smiles at her innocence. She's fierce and energetic, a force of nature running with no care in the world. She's just fearless. Sometimes he wishes some of that fearlessness would rub off on him.

Things would be different.

"She had no other option," Meredith grins as she looks toward their daughter. "She pouted when she realized it was the only clean one she had over at Amy's place."

"Did she do the thing with her brows and cross her arms?" Derek laughs, watching Meredith nod gleefully. "She gets that from you, you know?"

"She does not." Meredith scoffs. "She gets that from you."

"Oh really?" Derek raises a brow, earning a smirk.

"No, she gets that from me," she replies, defeated. "Bailey, however, is doing that angry pout thing that he gets from you."

"Oh, yeah," Derek sighs deeply. "He does get that from me. Well, we always have Zola."

Derek turns just in time to catch Meredith biting her bottom lip.

"Or not," Derek shakes his head. "I think she's hitting that age where she starts to hate us."

"Well," Meredith shrugs, "then we're screwed."

"I guess we are," Derek laughs before turning to her and sincerely adding, "We're not screwed. We have good kids. We have really good kids."

"Yeah, we do," she replies wistfully, looking at him.

They're the best of both of them—and the worst. Ellis is a replica of Meredith. Bailey takes after his father. Zola, however, is the ideal combination of both of them. She's smart and brilliant, confident and poised, and stubborn to her core.

They're perfect.

"She has her speech coming up," Meredith sighs. There's no need to clarify which of her children she's talking about, "For the Pacific Northwest Scholars? It's next week. She didn't want to tell me who her speech was about, but she kept asking about my mother. I'm scared she might write about her."

Derek watches her speak, her voice tinged with some sadness and nostalgia. He knows it's a product of her strained relationship with Zola. And Meredith has always been Zola's confidante. The keeper of her secrets. But lately, there's an obvious strain growing between mother and daughter. He's partially to blame, he knows that.

"I'm sure she's just curious," he shrugs. "She's a curious kid with lots of questions."

"I guess so," Meredith says.

He looks out at the field.

"Should we start talking about getting her a car in a few years?" he asks.

"No!" Meredith scoffs. "Are you kidding? She still has a couple of years. She can wait."

Derek laughs, watching the sunlight bounce off her blonde hair as she takes a loose strand behind her ear and sighs pensively. She shoves her hands back into her hoodie pockets, continuing to watch their son.

"You know she'll get over this, right? This rift between you two? It's gonna be okay."

Meredith sighs. Her shoulders sag slightly as she turns to him, comforted by his gentle smile. His hand reaches for her knee, gently squeezing it. It's a small touch of intimacy that has long been gone.

There's nothing suggestive about it; he's not trying to force any connection. He's just offering support.

"Is she the same with you? Distant, or is it just me?" she asks softly. "I thought we'd talked it out. I thought I'd helped her that night in the car—"

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her I was angry at Thatcher and Ellis for being selfish. I told her I understood why she was mad. And I do—I get it."

"That's all you can do," he shrugs, looking at her. "We can just listen and be there when she's ready. And when she's ready, I know you'll be the first one she runs to. She always runs to you."

She smiles lightly. And before it fades, they're frozen in time for a second as his gentle touch comforts her. She realizes she's missed this—his comforting touches with no suggestiveness to them. Just comfort.

Derek grins before he removes his hand and threads his fingers together. Suddenly the warmth is gone and a gust of cool air makes her shudder. They both turn to the field, watching as Bailey loses the soccer ball to an opponent.

"Oh, c'mon, Bailey! Let's go!" Derek calls out as he sighs in frustration.

They watch the game silently before he asks, "Why have you been working on Fridays?"

She scoffs. "I don't set the schedule, Derek—"

"Is it because I'm over at Amy's for dinner?" he asks with a slight smirk. "You know, I did consider stopping while you're staying there. Give you a break and some space. Let you have some time with the kids—"

"No! No," Meredith sighs, "I- listen I know it's a tradition, Amy- Amelia told me, it's just that Zola is going through all of these things and I don't want to make it awkward or-"

"You're family, you know that right?" his brows furrow, "Just because you and I couldn't make it work between us doesn't mean that we can't be civil for the kids."

"Our history would like to remind you that that's not-"

"Meredith-"

"I'm just saying," she rolls her eyes.

She glances at him and manages to catch him licking his lips and get the same look he always gets whenever he's lost in thought. Like he's thinking of a proper response but can't find anything.

There's a nudging feeling within her that she can't shake. An impulse that she's been trying to control and suddenly-

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why do you think our marriage ended?"

Derek blinks, unsure how to answer. His memory served him differently than hers and if a third party were to ask, he'd say he fought as hard as he could to save the tattered pieces of their marriages.

But it wasn't enough. Not for Meredith.

He sighs, "You tell me. You asked for the divorce."

Meredith studies him. There was no malice in his voice. No anger. No resentment. It was just a fact he was stating. His blue eyes are haunted. There's a brokenness there that's never been able to fully heal and a pain that has always existed. Even in their happiest days, she could spot it. She could see behind the facade he'd wear and know that the perfect McDreamy everyone saw was anything but.

And she loved him for all the reasons he wasn't.

Loved.

Or loves. She's not sure. The definition of it is…dusky.

"Never mind," she shakes her head as she realizes the tug in her chest, "Forget I asked."

He nods as he rests his elbows on his knees. He rubs his palms together, "Are you asking because of Zola?"

"What did she say to you?"

"She asked if I was going to stop loving her like I stopped loving you," he didn't look at her.

Meredith sighs helplessly as she stares at him, "What did you-?"

"Hey!"

Meredith flinches as the source of the voice makes her way towards them. She turns back to the field before she can see. Derek stands from his spot and greets her.

"Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you had surgery?"

Meredith keeps her gaze fixed on the field. It feels intrusive to watch her ex-husband gently kiss the cheek of his new girlfriend. Partner. Girlfriend. Whatever. Her.

"It got postponed," Alice says, her voice cutting through Meredith's thoughts. "I thought I'd come here and watch Emmet and Bailey. Thanks for giving him a ride, by the way."

Meredith's thoughts whirl as she watches her son play, the sun casting a golden hue over the field. She can make out the boy with dark brown hair running after Bailey in a contrasting black and gold uniform. He skirts past Bailey, kicking the yellow soccer ball down the hill until—swish!—a goal.

The kid cheers as Bailey contorts his face into a groan. Meredith shakes her head as she watches her disappointed son carry on.

For a moment, she allows herself to remember what it was like before—before the fights, before the distance, before the coldness that crept into their marriage like an unwelcome guest. But that life feels so far away now, as if it belongs to someone else.

"Hey, Meredith," Alice greets her, she raises a perfectly manicured hand to cover some of the sunlight against her brown eyes, "I didn't think I'd see you here. How are you?"

"Uh, fine, thanks," Meredith smiles forcibly. She eyes the brunette for a second before glancing back at the field. She quickly steals a look at Derek, his eyes also fixed on the game. "I was just talking to Derek about Zo, but uh, I'm gonna go back to Tommy's mom. I feel guilty for abandoning her."

Derek turns to her and presses his lips together tightly before giving her a curt nod.

Meredith forces a smile as she walks back toward the chattering mom, her feet heavy and her mind dreading the piercing shrieks of gossip.

On the field, Bailey kicks the ball again—and misses.

There's no response when his pen hovers over his patient's pupils. Derek clicks the pen and shoves it into his coat pocket before ripping off the blue gloves. He looks towards the intern in front of him, frustration riddled all over his face.

"He's gone," Derek shoves the tablet into the intern's hand and motions toward the door, "We need to tell the family, ask Nurse Anne if she was able to contact them, and then find me. They had his license down in the E.R. Do you know if he-"

"He's a donor, Dr. Shepherd," the intern nods.

"Okay," Derek sighs, "Well, we still need to inform the family as soon as possible so they can say goodbye first. And let's crossmatch with Dr. Grey's patient. If it's a match, let her know."

The intern nods before leaving the room. Derek stares at the man on the bed. He was someone's partner. Maybe a father. A brother. A friend. He was someone who was loved and cared for. Someone who loved and had plans for the evening or maybe tomorrow.

But now those plans are awash, and whoever claims the man will be devastated. Their life will be changed forever, and the man will miss out on everything his life had once offered.

A collision on Interstate 5 in Downtown Seattle has injured three individuals and taken the life of one.

Today is not a good day.

Derek shoves his hands into his pocket before exiting the room. The door behind him slides until he hears the click of the latch closing.

"No," Alice sighs as he approaches her, "He didn't make it?"

"No, he did not," Derek answers bluntly as he reaches for another tablet from the charging station and begins tapping at it.

Alice studies him. He's tired. He's frustrated and she's never really seen him like this. So she does what she knows best.

"My kid is in recovery," Alice smiles, "He had a perfed-"

"Alice-" Derek glances at her from his tablet. He needs to feel this loss. He needs to feel it so the next time someone is on his table, he fights twice as hard. It's the job.

"-but luckily I was able to go in-"

"Alice-" Derek clenches his jaw tightly as he looks up again. Her eyesight is focused on the glass doors, peering at the patient awaiting his family.

"His mom almost cried when I told her-"

"Alice!" His voice is harsh and strained, echoing down the hall. He watches as nurses at the station glance in his direction before hurriedly returning to their tasks, pretending they didn't hear the frustration boiling over.

"Derek, are you okay?" Alice blinks at him before reaching toward his arm.

He flinches before exhaling, "I'm sorry. I'm happy your patient is alive. I am. He's a kid, and I'm happy he's good, but this is the second patient I've lost today. He was alive this morning, and now he's gone. I cannot talk to you right now."

Derek slams the tablet back into the charger stand before marching down the hallway. Alice watches as he pushes the stairwell door open and walks straight through it. The Derek Shepherd she knows is patient. Kind. Sweet. She has yet to see the arrogant and often frustrated neurosurgeon. She's heard about his massive ego through the grapevines—the neurosurgeon who takes on impossible cases and lost causes.

But the man she's been dating over the last few months is not the man she's heard about. He's played it safe. He clips aneurysms and assists on some cases with Dr. Amelia Shepherd. He needs time with his kids, he claims. And she believes him. But sometimes, she's certain that's not the whole truth.

"It's not you," a voice calls out from the opposite end of the ICU hallway.

Alice blinks, "What?"

"It's not you he's mad at," Meredith looks up from her tablet and offers a one-sided grin, "Derek's not mad at you."

"Really? Because that didn't seem like he was happy with me either. Is he mad at you, or-"

"No," Meredith shakes her head, "He's not mad at anyone except himself and how this profession never prepares you for how much death you'll see especially when you're…well when you're Derek. He's mad at himself; don't take it personally."

Alice scoffs, "It's kind of hard not to."

"I know it is," Meredith sighs. She steps closer to the nurse's station and sets the tablet next to the one Derek has abandoned, "Until you learn that he takes every single death very personally. I mean, watching your dad get sh-"

"Meredith," Amelia approaches them from the opposite end and reaches for a tablet, her own patient in one of the ICU rooms waiting for her. Amelia glares at Meredith and shakes her head.

That's not a story for her to tell.

"What?" Meredith looks between Amelia and Alice, "He didn't- oh."

Alice blinks as she looks between the two women. There's something she's missing about the man she's seeing and the pair know it.

And the woman who is supposed to know- the woman who wants to share a life with him- doesn't.

"Oh," Meredith blinks with realization.

Derek hasn't shared that story with her yet. He hasn't told Alice how he watched his father get shot at in their family store. He hasn't told Alice how he held onto Amelia until he was sure that the robbers had left the store. And he hasn't told her how he was the first one to see his father lying dead against the ceramic floor.

He's still guarding that story and letting it eat him up.

He still hasn't trusted her yet.

"Forget I said anything! Never mind," Meredith shakes her head.

"Yes," Amelia grabs her tablet with her jaw clenched before forcing a grin towards Alice, "Forget she said anything."

Alice watches as Amelia walks away before whispering, "What were you going to say?"

Meredith sighs before rolling her eyes, "It's not my story to tell. He- they- the Shepherds don't talk about it unless they're ready, and if Derek didn't tell you, I can't tell you. I just- he is not an easy person. He hides behind the arrogance because it's easy to, but deep down he's-"

Broken. Mark's voice echoes in her head.

Look. Derek? On the outside, he holds it all together, but he's damaged goods, Meredith.

"He's just really good at pretending to be put together, and he needs people to be patient with him sometimes. He's not great when you push him and I didn't learn that until-," Meredith presses her lips together. Until it was too late, "Don't take it personally. It's not you."

She's not sure why she's offering this advice. There was a time when she could barely hear the gossip about her ex-husband dating the brunette doctor who came out of nowhere. Yet, here is Meredith offering her advice about the man she once loved.

Loves.

Loved.

Meredith sighs before shaking away her thoughts. She taps on the counter twice before making her way down the hallway.

"You still care about him, don't you?"

Meredith turns around and stares into Alice's dark brown eyes. She's kind. She's caring, and she's a good doctor. Her kid seems nice, which tells her that she's doing a hell of a job as a single parent. By all means, she should find happiness.

"He's the father of my kids," Meredith replies with a slight shrug, "Of course, I care about him."

Alice smiles, a sad, knowing sort of smile, before looking down at her shoes. Meredith watches. She wants to take back what she's said but it's not a lie. Though she knows she and Derek are no more, she cares. He's the father of her children and he's a good one. There've been moments where the two could barely look at each other or could have a proper conversation but deep down, she's always cared. She loved him once and that feeling just doesn't go away.

"Alice-"

Alice takes a deep breath, gathering her thoughts, then looks back up, her voice quieter but steady, "He cares about you too."

Meredith blinks before stepping toward her, "Listen, I'm not-"

"I know. You and him are over. You have been for years. He's made that clear so if you are about to tell me-," Alice's voice is sharper now, a flicker of pain breaking through, "Listen, I'm not gonna stand here and fight you for a man or whatever. Frankly, we're too old for that and I find it quite ridiculous."

"So do I," Meredith nods, "But I'm not-"

"Good," Alice stands straighter, "Because I respect the hell out of you. As a woman and as a colleague. You are…pretty freaking incredible Meredith Grey."

Meredith blinks, at a loss for words. Because here is this woman who is dating her former husband. This woman who by all stereotypes should be her rival. A woman who is seemingly perfect, telling her how incredible she is.

"Listen—" Meredith starts, searching for words.

But Alice doesn't let her finish. "I have to go," she says, her voice barely above a whisper, but with a finality that silences Meredith.

She's unsure what to reply because nothing really seems right. She's happy for them, truly, and she wants Derek to be happy. For her sake. And his. And for the sake of their kids.

No matter what feelings might be making their way through the heavy armor she's surrounded herself with.

"Alice-" a phone chirps. Meredith reaches in her pocket and furrows her brows. She looks up and blinks at the empty hallway.

And now her thoughts are elsewhere—downstairs, with her patient. With the life she has chosen to focus on. With the armor she's not quite ready to let fall.

He's frustrated. He's angry. And he's overwhelmed. The last few months have been complicated to say the least and the last time he felt he was drowning had been the weeks after the divorce had been finalized.

Weeks he'd spent drunk to a stupor because he had just blown his life up to bits for the second time.

This time, however, he hasn't blown anything up. At least not yet.

He replays the question in his head over and over in his mind.

"Why do you think our marriage ended?"

He had theories. And facts. He was aware that he had been at fault and the fact that he'd given her many reasons not to trust him was ultimately the catalyst in their divorce. But before that, there were even more fractures that were not visible to the naked eye. He remembered how they stopped fighting. How they just accepted the awkward silence between them. The way she'd run off to the old house and drink with Alex and Callie and Maggie. They way he pushed her and Amelia away with his moping. The way they'd have angry sex to cover up any possibility of conversation.

The night she bitterly told him to leave.

The night he returned and told her how someone had kissed him.

How they tried patching it up with sex only for her to leave and say she could no longer do this. And for divorce papers to be served soon after.

There was too much. A mountain of crap they simply couldn't get over.

Derek runs his fingers through his hair.

He shouldn't have taken out his frustration on Alice, he knows that. She's been patient and kind. And willing to take their…whatever they have as slow as he needs. She is the first person he's been in a downright relationship with after her.

He can still remember the morning she formally reintroduced herself. He'd stepped into the elevator after Meredith had informed him that their children would be meeting Nick Marsh. Her newest beau.

Alice had entered the elevator after he finally built the courage to release the emergency stop and let it arrive at the next floor.

"Dr. Shepherd, are you-"

"I'm fine."

The woman with long dark brown hair blinked at him, "Really? Because-"

"I said I'm fine," Derek interrupted sharply, his voice firm, his jaw clenched. He sighed, shaking his head almost immediately after, "Sorry, I just-"

"No I get it," she smiled, "Tough day? Tough case? We all have them."

"Yeah," he murmured, his gaze drifting away. He flexed his hand, trying to ignore the dull, throbbing ache in his knuckles. He was certain he'd be out of the OR for at least the rest of the day.

"It's hard when they move on."

Derek looked up, "I'm sorry?"

"She's moving on right? the woman maintained her sight on the doors in front of her, "And you're still stuck in all the crap that was left behind. You still hoped that there was some way things would magically repair but now you're at the point where you've come to terms with the fact that it's over and it's really over now."

Dr. Cabrera. That was her name. He remembered her from the interview the board had conducted not too long ago. And he'd seen her with Meredith a few times in the hallway.

"I uh don't think it's appropriate-"

She nodded, "I divorced my husband not too long ago."

Derek stared.

"If you ever just," She shrugged, "want to talk or need someone to listen. I get it. I was the one who moved on too late too."

The elevator chimed, signaling its arrival.

Derek didn't respond right away, still processing her words. As the doors slid open, she stepped inside, pausing to look back at him.

"Take care, Dr. Shepherd."

Before he could form a reply, the doors closed, leaving him alone in the hallway, her words echoing in his mind.

And she did. She'd listen. She'd sit quietly on the bench next to him or at the same table and listen to him go on and on about how he despised watching her move on. How the drinking started after she began dating the cardiothoracic surgeon. How his sister had been the one to drag him to an AA meeting before things got painfully worse. Before his ex-wife had fully realized what was happening. And when she finally put the pieces together, she had threatened him with another fight over their children but then put her weapons down long enough for him to pull it together.

Although, he clarified, he was never inebriated in front of his kids. That was sacred. His time with his kids was all too precious for him to jeopardize any further.

He'd listen to her say she'd wish she could say it'd get easier but it didn't. There was just a point where she knew it would never go back to what it was and that was that. It's why she was in Seattle. It's why she'd left the East Coast when she divorced her husband.

He told her how this wasn't his first divorce. It was his second but it was far more painful than the first.

They found comfort in each other.

And when they finally went on an official date, he didn't feel like a cheater when she kissed him.

And that's how he knew it had truly been over. That's when he understood what Alice had been trying to express all this time.

The great love story between Meredith and Derek had ended.

So he watched her move on with Nick. And he did the same with Alice.

But lately he's been forced to confront his failures as a husband and as a father. And it's like he's opened that story all over again.

And right this second, he'd kill for a scotch.

Derek shoves his face into his hands

"That's a lot of patients you had to declare dead."

Derek stiffened at the comment, his shoulders tensing as he leaned back against the bench. He exhaled slowly, trying to loosen the frustration coiled in his chest. "Too many."

The man is about his height, blonde hair, green eyes, and quite honestly a very punchable face.

"What are you doing here, Nick?" Derek's voice came out sharper than intended, but he didn't care.

"I uh," he pulls up the cooler with neon labels and gestures towards the building, "My job. I have a patient who-"

Derek nods, "Right. The accident- wait they called you?"

"Yeah. Got on a jet as soon as I could."

And awkward silence follows between the men. Derek realizes what this means. The organs were not in fact a match for Meredith's patient and UNOS has directed the organs to someone else. Someone in Minnesota apparently. He's disappointed for her and mostly for the patient. But, unfortunately, this is how it goes. And some things are just out of control.

"You should probably go in there-"

"How's Meredith?"

Derek froze, his jaw tightening as he locked eyes with Nick, "Considering the fire, she's-"

"What fire?" Nick furrows his brow together. Worry flickered in his green eyes, but there was also confusion. He didn't know. He didn't know about the fire, or the damage, or how it had left Meredith shaken.

If Nick didn't know, then maybe Meredith had told the truth—maybe they really were done.

"Nothing," Derek says dismissively. He shakes his head, trying to bury the flicker of satisfaction that came with the realization, "She's uh, she's fine."

Nick doesn't buy it, "But there was a fire? How is she fine? I mean-? What do you mean by fire?"

Derek licks his lips before deciding that there's no reason to hide it. It's hospital gossip at this point and he'll be bound to hear it anyway. He turns to Nick angrily, "There was fire that caused significant damage to the house. She's-"

"Is she okay?" Nick's eyes widen with concern, "What about the kids? Were they-?

"My kids," Derek says, there's a slight bitterness in his tone, "are fine. So is Meredith but you'd know that if you hadn't abandoned her."

Nick scoffs, his concern giving way to defensiveness. "Okay, wait a minute—is that what this is about? Listen, it's a lot more complicated than you think—"

"No, it's not," Derek clenches his jaw, "You want Meredith to flip her whole life upside down to fit yours, right? And when she told you she didn't you decided to walk away?"

"Isn't that what you did?"

The accusation hits Derek like a slap. He doesn't flinch, but his fists clenched at his sides, his jaw tightening as Nick pushes on.

"Not that it's any of your business, Shepherd," Nick growls, "But why I left it- listen it wasn't an easy decision, okay? I wanted it to work with her. I tried-"

"No you didn't," Derek scoffs as he stands up, "Because if you did you'd understand. You'd understand that the reason she didn't want to leave for Minnesota is because her life is here. Her history is here. And if you don't get that? Then you don't understand her at all."

Nick clenched his jaw and swallowed, "Are you saying this to me because it's something you've been telling yourself?"

The words hung in the air like a challenge, daring Derek to respond. Suddenly the memories of the months leading up to their divorce creep up like an unwanted embrace.

Nick shakes his head, "You don't get to judge me, Derek. Not when you've made your fair share of mistakes with her."

Nick turns toward the hospital entrance and walks away. Leaving Derek with his baggage full of guilt and silence that saying so much more than words ever could.

Her patient doesn't have much time.

Meredith stands at the hallway where a line of surgeons wait for their name to be called. Each of them is going back to their hospitals with organs. Organs that will give someone else a second chance. A second chance to live and to let their lives play out into a happily ever after.

Not that she knows what that's like. Her second chances always fall apart one way or another.
Meredith keeps her focus ahead of her until a man in green scrubs catches her attention. Nick stands with his arms crossed across his chest, he's holding a red cooler and there's frustration written all over his face.

She recognizes it from the last time she saw him.

"Don't you get it? I want to marry you!"

Meredith blinked and the air that she was breathing suddenly vanished, "What?"

"There! I said it!" Nick dropped his hands into his pocket and blinked, "I want to marry you and live out the rest of my days with you. I want to- Meredith, I want more than this."

"I-" she looked around the house. A house that isn't hers and a house she has no intention of staying longer than the night. Because she has her own. In Seattle. Where her children are spending the weekend with their father. Her ex-husband. The man she once was married to.

The man she once loved.

Loves.

Dammit, she thinks.

Meredith licked her lips before shaking her head, "Nick, I-"

"No, no, no- don't" he shook his head furiously before taking a step towards her.

"I can't marry you," she whispered as she stepped back, "I just- I can't."

"Why not!"

"Because," she exclaimed, "You-you have a life here! In Minnesota!"

"And I want that life with you! We could have a life, Mer," he reached for her hands and held them tightly, "We could have a life. I want a life with you."

They could, she thinks. They could have a boring mundane life and she can take the research job at The Clinic. She could leave Grey Sloan and finally move on like every other resident in her class did.

"Leave Seattle," he pleaded, "Bring the kids. Take the damn job and the lab! We could have a life-"

"Their dad," Meredith shook her head, "They would never forgive me for taking them away from him."

"Meredith," he shook his head, "I care about your kids. I do. I know Zola's hasn't come to the idea because she's protective of her dad, and I get that, I do. But, you've earned-"

"I can't leave him-"

Nick stared at her, his face crumbling. "It's always him, isn't it?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but each word hit her like a blow. "It isn't just the kids. It's Derek. It's always Derek."

Meredith's throat tightened, and she blinked against the sting of tears. She didn't deny it, and the silence between them stretched, growing heavier with every passing second.

Meredith shakes the memory away. Maybe he'd been right. Maybe she should have taken the job and should've left. Her life would've been a lot easier than the complicated mess it was now. Still, she could never do that to her kids.

Even if he wasn't always so pushy and needy and wanting all the things she once wanted with someone else.

It was sweet and romantic. Their brief and torrid romance was filled with notes under hotel room doors and late night picnics. He'd stop by the lab and offer her lunch. He'd been patient and waited for her to make all the moves. He'd kissed her after a few dates and had offered her rides to and from the airport. And he was excited to meet her children. And he made her happy.

Very happy. It'd been the first time she'd felt that way in a very long time.

It was…sweet. Different. Very different.

And yet here she was trying to keep her eyes down as she quickly makes her way down the hallway, she can avoid him. She's sure of can breeze right by him and the world will keep spinning. She attempts to keep her sight away but to her misfortune, he makes contact with her green eyes.

She stops and fidgets with her hands in her scrub pockets, "Hi."

"Hey," he nods once.

"What are you doing here?"

He scoffs. The answer is obvious

"My job," he repeats, "I have organs to pick up."

"Nick-"

"I heard about the fire," he says without letting her get a word in, "You holding up okay?"

Meredith's brow furrows, "Who told you about the fire?"

Nick hesitates for a moment, "People talk. You know how it is."

Meredith nods. Grey Sloan has never been subtle in sharing news and information. And everyone in this damn place seemed to know every little detail about her. She could add that to the infinite reasons why she should've left.

He shifts his weight slightly, his gaze still focused on her. "I just wanted to check on you."

She wants to look away, to avoid the vulnerability in his eyes, but something inside her keeps her rooted in place. She forces a smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"I'm fine," she says. She hasn't said that in a while because there hasn't been a need to say it. The person who has been checking in on her knows better than to ask if she's doing okay. He just knows that she's not 'fine' and that she's crashing internally.

But that person is not the one standing in front of her.

"Good," Nick nods, "Kids?"

"They've been uh, staying with their dad," she replies, "It's been hard on them and he's their one consistent thing right now."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he says, "It must be hard."

"Yeah," Meredith sighs as she turns around and leans her back against the wall, "It's just a lot and the kids are…they don't deserve this."

He nods as he listens to her. He can see the exhaustion in her face, "I know that this is possibly the absolute worst time to ask but, what did you tell Derek? About us?"

"What do you mean?" she turns towards him with a raised brow, curiosity brimming in her mind, "Did he say something?"

"Yeah," Nick says, crossing his arms, his frustration bubbling to the surface. "Cornered me in the hospital earlier. Said I don't really know you and that's why you didn't want to-."

"Derek shouldn't have-"

The doors from the surgical wing open as a nurse steps out, "Dr. Marsh? We're ready for you."

Nick grips his cooler tightly and nods before turning to Meredith again, "Look if he's right, if there's more than just him then tell me, Mer. It's all I'm asking-"

"Nick," she sighs.

"I'm still in love with you," he says quietly, "And I'm still in this if you are."

The hospital halls are longer than she's ever remembered. She storms down the fourth floor where she's memorized the pathway to his office. For one brief moment she hesitates because she's not fully certain why she is doing this. Why has she decided to confront him?

And then she remembers why. Because he's already taken so much. He's already let her down too many times.

"What the hell did you say to Nick?" Meredith's voice rang out as she slammed the door behind her. Her green eyes are gray, filled with anger and frustration.

Derek looks up from the paperwork on his desk, "I didn't-"

"Liar," she cut him off, her jaw clenched so tightly it seemed like it might crack. Her fists are balled at her sides as she makes her way towards him, "What the hell did you say, Derek?"

"Look, I was upset. I didn't mean to-"

"No! You never mean to right? You never mean to stay out of my damn life or any of my attempts at moving on, do you? You didn't mean it with Nathan or with Andrew and you definitely didn't-"

"Will you at least listen-?"

"No! I can't! I can't listen to you anymore! I can't listen to you say how you-you still- I can't hear you lie to me about how much you want-"

Derek shakes his head desperately, "I never lied-"

"You always do this, Derek!" her arms flung out in frustration, "You always screw things up for me and you never let me move on! Can't you just let me-"

She covers her face with her hands and exhales loudly, "I can't have this fight with you again, Derek. It's been years. We fought for years and we finally get it-"

"No we didn't," he scoffs as he pushes himself up from the desk, "We've never gotten it right. We've always been at each other's throats since the divorce! You made a choice for us. You ended it and then strung me along sneaking into on-call rooms-!"

"I don't recall you arguing back when we were having sex in those on-call rooms! And you strung me along just as much-!"

"-and then refused to tell me about Ellis!"

"-because we weren't married anymore! You had no right! We were done! Besides, sharing kids does not give you the right-!"

"You're the one who came in here-!"

"You shouldn't have said anything to him-!"

"You shouldn't have said anything to me about him!"

"You're with Alice!" she shot back, her voice rising again, incredulous. "You're dating someone else, Derek! You've already moved on, so don't stand there and act like I'm the one making this hard."

"Don't try and pretend you were suddenly fine with me moving on with someone because the second you heard she and I-"

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes, "Get off you're damn high horse."

"You should've been thrilled that you and I had finally managed to move on but instead you-," he said quickly, his voice faltering as he tried to explain.

Meredith scoffed, "You think it's easy for me to watch you play house with someone else while Zola barely speaks to me?"

"You were playing house with Nick in Minnesota and I didn't say anything then-"

"Right but she's angry at me! She's angry, Derek. She's so angry, and I'm the one picking up the pieces while you're busy—"

"You're not the only one she's angry at-"

"She is!" she fired back. "She blames me for everything! For us breaking up, for you being miserable, for everything! And yet you're the one here who went off to D.C. because he couldn't leave his ego behind! Have you forgotten about that?"

His face flushes, his jaw tightening as he stares at her, his hands gripping the edge of the desk. "Don't put this all on me," he snaps, his voice cold. "You were the one who told me to leave, remember? You stood outside those hospital doors-"

"Right, because you were miserable and made yourself the martyr!"

"And you were running and hiding and getting drunk at Alex's!"

"Do you even hear yourself?" she spat, stepping closer to him. "You're acting like I was the one who gave up on us when you were the one who made a choice! You made it about D.C., about your research, about your dream—while I was here, Derek. I was here, holding everything together!"

"You were here?" Derek lets out a laugh, though there was no humor in it. "You mean when you were ignoring me? You wouldn't even-"

"I was not-"

"I told you I was staying, Meredith! I told you I had chosen you and the kids! And you still pushed-!

She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest as her eyes narrow. "Don't you dare try to rewrite this like I was the problem when you were the one who was bitter! You were the one who broke a promise! And you were angry! And resentful! To me! And to your sister! Not to mention the fact that you let someone-!"

"I came back!"

"You were too late!" she shouts at the top of her lungs, "You were too late, Derek!"

She's tired. He's tired. They're both tired and exhausted from having the same fight over and over again. And it reminds them that this is exactly the reason why their great love story had ended so abruptly.

She's watched how his blue eyes have darkened. How there's a sadness in them and how he just can't understand her. How he still can't grapple with the fact that trusting him has been difficult and how he makes it difficult.

He watches as her chest heaves up and down. She's catching her breath from the shouting and the yelling and she can no longer take it. She's right. He knows she's right. He's let her down so many times that there's only one thing left to do. One final thing to do to put them both out of their misery.

"You're right I was too late" he quietly says.

He has to do this. He has to be the one to do it because if he doesn't, the damn story will open over and over again. With new rewritten endings that just hurt over and over again.

"I'm not gonna fight you over the kids. I told you I wouldn't. I'm not gonna fight you over custody or visitation, I'm not abandoning my children, I will go to them no matter where they are but I cannot do this anymore. And neither can you. We've been dancing around it for years. I'm done."

"What are you-?" Meredith's brows furrow.

"Go to Minnesota, Meredith," he picks up his cellphone from the desk and stuffs it into his pocket, "The house must've burned down for a reason right?"

"Wait! What? Derek-"

"You're right. I've been bitter and angry and miserable and you do deserve better," he reaches to the hanger behind him and grabs his coat, "If Nick loves you and you want him I don't see why you shouldn't be with him. Go to Minnesota, Meredith."

Meredith watches as he makes his way out of the office. His office. He finally raises the white flag he had refused to wave for so many years.

Her chest tightens. She should feel relief, right? Shouldn't she? She should feel free. She should feel like a weight has been lifted off her chest.

But all she feels is empty.

She doesn't want this. Not like this. Not after all the years they've spent fighting, tearing each other apart, trying to find something between them that was worth saving.

But the truth sinks in.

The man she once loved has let her go.

Loves.

"Dammit," Meredith whispers, "Dammit!"

He's staring at the television in front of him without actually paying any attention to it. The echoes of the fight he and Meredith had played over and over in his mind like a broken record. The last time they had fought this way had been before Ellis's birth which was nearly a decade ago. And still, the wounds were still fresh and unwilling to heal.

The doorbell breaks him from his thoughts as he jumps off the navy couch and makes his way to the door. The kids are not due until much later so he wonders who could possibly be at the door

"Hey," Derek opens the door and blinks, "I was just about to call you."

Alice stands at the door and nods. She can spot a liar when she sees one, "You owe me an-"

"Apology. I know I do," he stuffs his hands into his pocket of his sweatpants and sighs, "Alice, I'm sorry. I was mean and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. It was cruel."

Alice's eyes slightly squinted as she read him, "Thanks."

"Something happened today," she sighs, "Actually it happened yesterday, I just needed to come up with a way to tell you and a reason to-. Can we talk outside? I know your kids are probably home."

"Actually they're-."

"I don't want to go in because," Alice sighs, "If I go in, I'm not gonna say what I need to say."

"Okay," he nods as he closes the door behind him.

The air is cold and he leans against the black Cayenne parked in his driveway.

"You okay? You seem upset."

"I got offered a big job in Boise," she sighs, "They're offering me a grant, a staff, and I want to take it. But I want you to go with me."

Derek blinks in surprise before he smiles brightly, "Wh-Alice, that's- wow, congratulations! I-"

"Did you hear the part where I said I wanted you to go with me?" she steps back before he can wrap his arms around her.

He freezes, "I did-"

"And you're gonna say 'no," she smiles kindly as her eyes fill to the brim with tears, "You're gonna say no because of the kids and how their life is so crazy right now and the rational, logical, motherly instinctual side of me knows that saying no is the right thing to do but the incredibly selfish side of me that is head over heels for you wants you to say yes. And I know you are not."

"Alice," he sighs, "That's- that's not fair."

"It's not, I know," she shrugs, "Because even if you and the kids weren't going through what you were going through you'd still say no because the woman that you are head over heels for…is here….in Seattle. At Grey Sloan. Right?"

Derek blinks.

"You're still not over her, are you?" Alice shrugs. "Meredith? You're still in love with her."

Derek exhales, leaning against the car. "Alice, it's…complicated."

She nods, moving to sit next to him. "You know, when we first started dating, you said you were trying to get over her, and I didn't believe it one bit."

Derek turns to her, his face focused, hanging onto every word she says. He's heard this before.

"Because you sounded how I did when I dated the first guy after David. But I thought, you know, I don't know him. I don't know the baggage. Maybe it might work—"

Derek nods. "For the record, I hoped it did."

"I know." Alice smiles. "And it was nice, right? I mean, this? What we—"

"Yeah," he smiles. "It was. But I just—"

He sighs.

"I have a bad record of stringing along people trying to get over Meredith—thinking I could get over Meredith, and a shrink would probably say I need to get over her, but—"

"But she's the one," Alice smiles. "She's the one. The one that should not be but is, and you can't do anything about it. She's just it."

She blinks tears away. "Right?"

"Yeah," he nods. "But—"

"Oh, there's another 'but'?"

"She deserves better." He presses his lips into a tight line. "I'm not what she deserves, and right now, the kids just need us to get along. That's it. No matter what I feel or felt, I need to focus on that. My kids."

"Spoken like a good father," Alice nods. She leans in, pressing a kiss against his cheek before pushing herself off the hood of the car.

"Alice—"

"Yeah?" She pauses, turning back to him.

"I'm sorry," Derek says earnestly, his voice heavy with regret.

"Me too," she shrugs back. "For the record, If I loved David the way you love Meredith, if David loved me the way Meredith loves you, I'd figure out how the hell to make it work."

"She doesn't-" Derek furrows his brows, "I uh-"

"Oh god," Alice sighs, "What did you do?"

"I told her to go with him. I told her to go to Minnesota with him," Derek continues, his voice trembling slightly, "And I want to tell you that I regret it and I want to take it back but honestly, I think it's what she wants and if it's what she wants I cannot stand in her way anymore. I've done it for years."

Alice stares at him before shaking her head. She knows the feeling of being told to find happiness elsewhere. The difference between Meredith and Alice is that her happiness was never in the same city as her ex. Because her happiness was never with him. But somehow, for some fate related reason, Meredith and Derek's happiness revolves around each other. She wants to relate like she has in the past but truthfully there's little comfort she can offer. So she says the only thing that comes to mind. The only thing anyone and everyone could see.

"If she had wanted to leave, Derek, she would've done it a long time ago."

A/N: I'm not dead! I'm just busy. So busy. And honestly inspo. comes and goes. I hope you are well. I hope the season is treating you well. Please let me know what you think so I can get inspo for the next chapter! Remember this is a shorter fic so it's kind of go, go, go with the storyline and little time for side stories.

Oh! I left that one former bird app. I'm on the other blue app and you can find me under / cindersandother. bsky. social