"I want a scotch. A single malt scotch- that's my drink of choice- a single malt scotch. I want to feel the sting of it as I swallow it down my throat and just drink it until I'm not-."

He can feel the eyes on him as he fiddles with the foam coffee cup in his hand. The sharp edge scratches at the tip of his thumb. He stares down at it feeling the guilt of wanting the dark caffeinated drink to be his alcohol of choice.

"There was a time where I could barely function without it," he says with a swallow, "And I was good at hiding it too."

"I want it because I did something- said something stupid that I know I didn't mean. I told my…my ex-wife to leave with her…whatever he is at this point," Derek looks down at the coffee cup and shrugs, "We were fighting and I said it. I told her to leave with him."

"After the divorce we used to fight over everything. The kids. Who had them for Christmas, who had them for breaks and weekends," he sighs, "She argued that she should have primary custody and I fought against it. I probably shouldn't have I mean I was the one who- I made choices that I regret and I wish I could take them back but I can't and now I'm-"

"I really want a freaking scotch," He looks up and shrugs at his audience, "I stood outside the bar and I uh- I almost walked in there."

"But you didn't," someone from the group says.

He clutches the styrofoam cup tightly.

"I want to tell you that it was my strong sense of will power but," Derek shakes his head, "That's where I met her."

He chuckles and looks around as the crowd around him listens.

"She was at the bar and she had asked Joe- he owned the bar then- for a tequila. Told him to keep them coming. I remember thinking that she was too little- too lithe, too-" he's lost for a moment, "you just didn't expect it from her when she walked into the room in the little black dress she wore. I thought she was going to order some fruity little drink but she asked for straight tequila."

"I walked over," he smiles, "I asked if it was a good place to hang out. She tried ignoring me and I wouldn't let her. We got drunk. Someone took advantage. You ask her, she'll say it was me, but I think it was her."

"I woke up the next morning at her place. Naked," everyone laughs, "She kicked me out because she had to go to work- where I worked by the way- we just wouldn't know it until later that day. She didn't even remember my name. And I couldn't get her out of my head."

"She was like coming up for fresh air," he says wistfully, "This whole city is just…"

"Anyway, I came here because I want that scotch to forget that I told her to leave. I want to let myself drown," he continues, "But I have kids. And a sister. And a mom in New York who doesn't deserve a second alcoholic kid after everything she went through. So I'm here."

I don't want to be here , he thinks.

"I'm here."

The crowd claps and he smiles at the faces he's seen so often. The faces of the people who have shared stories about their own problems. Lost jobs. Parent issues. Grief. Trauma. Divorces. Issues that have hurt them and caused them to drown out the pain in a similar way he did. It's easier to numb it and forget pain exists anyways. It's why scotch became such a regular thing.

But as he looks around, a familiar pair of blue eyes set on him. A pair so distinctly like his own. She isn't clapping. She's just staring at him with misty eyes.

She knows what it's like to hit rock bottom. She knows what it's like to lose everything. And she's taught him how to pick himself up. She's given herself clean breaks and he's learned to do the same.

So he looks away. Because admitting the truth to a bunch of strangers is one thing.

But having your kid sister, who has never given up, hear how your slowly giving up is too much to bear.

Amelia rested her head on her hands and watched her brother. His eyes linger on his wife- his new wife- who makes her way back inside.

Years of being ignored and pushed away from your brother will do that. But they've both flipped a page and now she's sitting in the same space as he is. At his home. In Seattle. In the woods.

The Dream House as he calls it.

She giggled.

"What?" Derek turned to her.

"You are not the same guy that I remember back in New York."

"That's a good thing right?" He asked as he furrowed his brow.

"It's a really good thing," Amelia smiled as she crossed her arms, attempting to shield herself from the chilly Seattle breeze, "You seem happy. Two kids and a wife? Life's good for my brother."

He sighed, "Life's a little crazy for your brother right now."

"Yeah? How so?"

"Well," he extended his legs out as he looked out at the skyline, "Today was the first time Meredith and I spent hours together. We're drowning in kids and work and that scares me."

"Well you just proved me wrong," Amelia sat back.

"What do you mean?"

"Derek I came here because I wanted to see how you and your wife are making it work and you are telling me that you're scared-"

"Oh, Amy," he sighed, "I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't," she shook her head, "It's kinda nice to know that the golden child doesn't really have it all put together."

She smiled before shrugging, "It's a bit of a relief really."

"It's not bad, I promise. It's hard but not bad," Derek chuckled, "She's-"

He drifted for a moment before turning his head to the woman in the kitchen. Meredith was tossing a box of take out into the trash. The living room was filled with toys and the giant mess the kids had left behind. The mess Amelia had allowed.

"She keeps us together," he said softly, "She didn't want any of this because she didn't think it worked and because her parents gave her enough reasons to make her believe she didn't deserve it."

"And after Addison I didn't think I'd ever get this. But she made me believe again," he smiled, "I wake up every morning next to the love of my life and she's the last thing I get to see at night. And yes, sometimes we fight and we fight hard but I-"

Derek smiled before shrugging, "I love her. And she loves me. And we love our kids. And I think it's safe to say that we wouldn't trade any of it."

Amelia smiled. That's so much more than she'd ever heard about his first love. A woman she considered a sister. Because even though the marriage didn't work out, Addison was a true sister. And Meredith would be that too.

So even though the marriage she once imagined would last forever didn't, she can see how this one- Meredith and Derek- would be the marriage that would last forever.

She saw the glances between the pair. The way they'd reach for each other absentmindedly. The way Derek stole glances and quick kisses. The way Meredith rubbed his back gently and the way her eyes traced his movements when he wasn't looking. The way their hands linked as Amelia went on and on about how James had proposed and how she freaked out.

They were in love. Truly in love.

She yearned for that.

"Well," Amelia reached for her ginger ale and clinked it against his beer bottle, "Here's to you brother. And your very adorable family."

Derek laughed, "They're cute kids, right."

"They might be my favorite niece and nephew," Amelia smirked, "Just don't tell our sisters."

Ellis Grey Shepherd has always proven to be a radiant light throughout dark times.

She's daring and brave and has never been a shy child. She's always been the center of attention and has garnered her mother's empathy with a splash of her father's charm.

It's why she has a large audience of family at her ballet performance. Her aunts Maggie and Amelia, Uncle Winston, Uncle Richard, Zola, Bailey. Her Daddy. And Mommy.

It's an evening where both Meredith and Derek can be in the same space where they'll be forced to be cordial and respectful. An evening of rehearsed and mastered civility. Where smiles will have to dominate the evening because anything else is unacceptable for such a joyous event. Because Ellis deserves that.

Ellie deserves so much.

She's hopeful and believes in fairytales. She believes in magic and preserves nature. She's stubborn and hard headed but she laughs easily and she loves deeply.

She's very much Derek Shepherd's daughter. And Meredith Grey's daughter. The absolute perfect mix of the two.

Still, Meredith doesn't miss how he avoids her and how he makes himself busy with Bailey and Zola. She doesn't miss how he sat three rows down with his sister and how Zola got up from her seat to sit next to him, her movements stiff with a quiet rebellion that only Meredith can feel in her bones.

She also doesn't miss how he's arrived alone. Without his companion. And she doesn't ask. Yet.

After the show, the theater lobby is chaotic—a flood of proud parents and chattering children.

"Momma! Did you see me? Did you see me twirl?" Ellis' golden hair tumbles from her bun as she skips toward Meredith. She launches herself into her mother's arms, breathless and glowing.

"I did, baby!" Meredith smiles as she presses her lips against her daughter's temple, "You were beautiful!"

Her daughter smiles at her, excited and proud that she's surrounded by so much joy. And that everyone she loves is here to see her

"Where's Daddy?" Ellis releases her hold on her mother as she looks around until she spots her father. He's standing next to her Uncle Richard and Aunt Amelia wearing his navy sweater and black blazer. He smiles brightly at her and offers a small wave until she runs towards him with the same excitement.

"Daddy!" Ellis cries as she wriggles free and darts toward him. "Did you see me? Did you see me twirl?"

Meredith straightens and watches as Ellis flings herself into Derek's arms. He crouches to her level, his grin wide as he responds with exaggerated enthusiasm, "I did! I saw all your twirls and jumps!"

"They're called sautés," Ellis corrects, her little voice dripping with the authority of a ballet expert.

"Oh, see?" he smirks, "That's why you're so good."

Meredith smiles. She likes seeing this. The moments where she knows that even though they've hurt one another, their children don't face the same fate she did. Their father still loves them and he does everything to show them he does.

He's not just some guy who pours her cereal and puts her to 's the man that chases monsters from under the bed and teaches them how to ride bikes. The man who takes them fishing every other weekend and shows up to everything that's important to them.

And though they are broken, she's thankful that at least they're put together for their children. As best as they can.

It's been a week since they've fought. A week with glares and simple cordial responses about their children.

Whatever friendliness that was burgeoning between them is effectively over.

A hand gently presses against the small of her back and her eyes peel away to the man with the ashy blonde hair.

"Hey," Nick smiles, "You okay?"

Meredith presses her lips into a tight smile.

Derek was right. She needed to move on and maybe that meant moving forward with this man. This man who promised he loved her and wanted a life with her. And maybe he was even right about new beginnings. Seattle was full of ghosts and Derek was one of them.

Except he wasn't a ghost. He was very real and very much alive.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "I just have to straighten some things with- I'll be back."

Nick nods and continues his conversation with Winston as Meredith snakes her way through the crowds of proud parents and relatives. He doesn't notice when she reached him until Zola turns to her. Derek turns and presses his lips into a forced grin- the one he plasters on his face as a facade to show the kids that mom and dad are cordial. And all is well.

"Hey," Meredith says softly, "Guys, can I have a minute with your dad?"

Zola looks up at her father before motioning to Bailey and Ellis, "We're gonna wait with Aunt Maggie and Aunt Amelia."

"Okay," Derek nods as he watches them walk away.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," Meredith promises as the trio embrace her quickly.

Derek straightens, his expression carefully neutral. "What's up?"

"Um," Meredith swallows a lump in her throat, "I thought you were on call-"

"I was but I asked Nelson to cover," he nodded, "I promised Ellis I'd be here and I didn't want to break my promise to her."

"Good, good, she-" she says quickly, her smile fleeting, "She was really excited for tonight."

"I know," Derek nods before eyeing Nick who keeps glancing over to them before turning back to her, "But that's not why you-"

"No, no, I-" she admits, swallowing hard, "Listen, about the other day? You had no right to tell Nick anything."

"You're right," he agrees, "I overstepped. I'm sorry-."

"No, let me finish," she shakes her head, "The things I said? I didn't mean-"

"You did," he nods, "And you're probably right about it but I don't want to-"

"Derek-"

"I don't want to fight again. Not like that night," he offers a weak smile, "I liked being able to talk to you again for the sake of the kids and we may not have gotten it right yet but we can get there. For our kids. They deserve that."

Meredith nods. They were both mean. Both cruel. A fight like that hadn't been had in a long time. And the words they hurled at each other over D.C and their failed marriage hurt.

Derek continues, his tone sincere. "And I meant what I said about Nick. About you deserving to be happy. The execution of it was terrible, but you're the mother of my kids. And I care about you. I was trying to look out for you, but you don't need me to. You never have."

Meredith stares at him.

"What I didn't mean to do was get in the way of the two of you," Derek adds, nodding subtly towards Nick, engaged in conversation but occasionally glancing their way. "I shouldn't have said anything to him; it wasn't my place, and for that, I am sorry."

For the first time in years, she isn't sure what to say because apologies from both sides is foreign to both of them. So she speaks without thinking, "Thank you."

Still, it doesn't feel right.

Derek offers a small nod, the tension between them easing slightly, "So you two worked it out, right? You're going to Minnesota tomorrow-"

"Derek," Meredith sighs, "I don't want to-"

"I'm not looking for a fight Meredith," he shakes his head, "I'm just asking since the kids will be around him if you're serious again."

He's right. He's their father and he's entitled to know who is around their children. Especially if she really is moving forward. There's a trip planned for the weekend and she's taking off to Minnesota again. She wants to make it work with the guy. She wants to move forward.

"I know. I spoke to the kids and I told them I would be back Sunday night," Meredith concedes. But she's not ready to tell him that she has her doubts. So instead she turns the table, "Where's Alice? Is she-"

He furrows his brow before scratching the back of his head, "She resigned. I thought you read your email?"

"What?"

"Mmhm. She was offered a position in Boise," Derek explains, "It was too good to let go. And her son needs to be closer to his dad. He made it hell for her sometimes. It just worked out for the best."

"Oh," Meredith blinks as realization settles upon her.

Alice and Derek are no longer… Alice and Derek .

Meredith blinks, "I'm sorry-"

"Don't," he shakes his head. He glances towards the kids who are engrossed in a conversation. Surely Ellis is talking their ear off about her show and Amelia and Maggie are eating it up.

"Um, listen," he shuffles his feet nervously, "Do you have some time tomorrow morning before you leave? Maybe we can grab some coffee? There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he nods, "It's just, uh, I need to talk to you about a few things and now is not the time."

Meredith nods before noticing that he glances to the side and forces a grin. Realization dawns upon her, "Is Zola doing the thing she does where she's trying to read our lips?"

"Yeah," he smirks, "And she's trying to be sneaky about it too."

Meredith rolls her eyes before turning to their daughter who quickly turns around as if she's innocent of all crimes.

"I can meet you at the restaurant across from the hospital," Meredith turns to him, "That place that-"

"Yeah," he nods.

'That place' is the place where they had gone out on their first date. Except it had been sold to someone else and it was a major coffee chain instead.

Another reminder that time had passed and they had been left there.

"It'll be quick, I promise."

"Okay," she whispers before reaching for his arm, "You're okay, right? You're not-?"

"Meredith," he sighs before he steps closer, "If you're asking me if I've been drinking? The answer is no."

"And you're not dying either, right?"she asks. He can hear the worry in her tone and it's endearing. But he can also sense that she's defensive. And he's used to that. He's given her enough reason to be.

"I mean, it's just that-"

He smiles, "No. Not dying. Not drinking. Everything's okay."

She exhales shakily, nodding. "Okay." But even as she says it, a flicker of doubt lingers in the back of her mind. Because with Derek, "okay" often meant there was still something unsaid.

"Derek?"

He turns to her before stepping towards her again, "Yeah?"

"I would've yelled at her," Meredith whispers, "Alice? I would've done the same thing if the roles were reversed."

He laughs, "I don't doubt it."

Meredith smiles as she watches him approach their kids. And she lingers as they make their way…home.

"Are you drunk?" Meredith gripped his shoulder tightly, her nails digging slightly into the fabric of his scrub top as she glanced around the bustling hospital corridor. Nurses hurried by, avoiding eye contact, their muted whispers blending into the faint hum of monitors and the squeak of cart wheels. Meredith's voice lowered, trembling with urgency. "Derek, you're drunk—"

"No, I'm—"

"I can smell it on your breath," she hissed, cutting him off. Her sharp eyes searched his face for some kind of denial, some explanation that might make this better, but all she saw was guilt. "Derek, you're drunk. Amelia told me—"

"What did Amelia tell you?" His voice rose defensively, his expression hardening as he squared his shoulders.

Meredith's hand dropped from his shoulder, but her glare only sharpened. "She told me you've been slipping up. She said she found empty bottles in the house. That you've been... struggling."

Derek's jaw clenched as he looked away, a muscle twitching near his temple. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his scrub pants, and he shifted his weight uneasily. "Amelia has no right to—"

"She's worried about you, Derek. I'm worried about you." Meredith's voice softened, but her body remained rigid, every inch of her radiating concern and frustration. "You can't be here like this. You can't operate like this."

"I'm not operating," he snapped, his voice sharp as he turned back to her. His eyes, bloodshot and tired, darted away again, unable to meet hers. "I wasn't planning to, okay? I just... I just came to check on a patient."

"You shouldn't even be in the hospital right now," she shot back, her voice trembling with anger. "Do you even hear yourself? You think that's okay?"

"What do you care?" he hissed suddenly, his voice low and bitter, the words slicing through the space between them. "You're not my wife anymore, remember? You asked for a divorce. I gave you a divorce!"

"Derek—"

"No!" He cut her off, his hand gesturing wildly before pointing at her. "Now, if you—"

"*No!*" She grabbed his arm, her grip firm and unyielding as she pulled him out of the hallway and into a shadowed corner. Her voice dropped, shaking with barely contained fury. "Listen to me! You have the kids this weekend, but I swear to God, Derek, I will not let them go home with you unless you get help! I will not—"

"My weekend... your weekend," he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief as a bitter laugh escaped him. "They're my kids!"

"They're our kids! And their father would never do this!" she shot back, her voice cracking as tears welled in her eyes. "So, Derek, please! Please, get some help—"

"Meredith, let me go—" He tried to pull away, his voice faltering as frustration and shame warred in his expression.

"I got him," a new voice broke in, firm but calm.

Amelia came rushing toward them, her face a mask of determination. She slipped past Meredith, grabbing Derek's arm and positioning herself between him and her sister-in-law. With one swift motion, she pushed the door to the on-call room open.

"Meredith, you're not—you have to leave. I've got him," Amelia said, her tone leaving no room for argument, "He- he won't make it if it's you trying to help."

"What are you-"

"I got him," Amelia insisted, "He's my brother. He's not your husband anymore."

Meredith hesitated, her hands trembling at her sides as she watched Amelia steer Derek into the room. Her heart pounded in her chest, a swirl of anger, fear, and helplessness threatening to overwhelm her.

As the door closed behind them, Meredith stood frozen for a moment, her breath catching in her throat.

"He's not, Meredith," Amelia insists as they walk briskly down the hallway to her apartment. Nick trails behind them, his hands in his pockets, listening intently but staying quiet.

"Amelia," Meredith says, her voice sharp with worry, "He disappeared—"

"No, he had days off," Amelia interrupts, rolling her eyes as she jams her key into the lock. "I know because I make his schedule, remember? I'm the chief of neuro, and he works for me!"

"Then explain—"

"I can't because I don't know!" Amelia snaps, pushing the door open. "I know he's not drinking because we go to the same meetings. I know because he's been with his kids—if there's one thing Derek wouldn't do, it's drink around the kids. I know , Meredith."

"Amelia—"

"Meredith," Nick offers gently, stepping closer to her, "Maybe she's right. He seemed fine to me."

Meredith casts him a quick glance, her jaw tightening, before turning back to Amelia. "Look, I know it's been years. I know he's been good. But—"

"Meredith." Amelia places both hands firmly on Meredith's shoulders, forcing her to look at her. Her voice softens but remains steady. "My brother is fine. He is not drinking. He is sober. Stone cold sober. He took days off to deal with some things, but he's completely fine."

"What things?"

Amelia pulls back, letting her hands fall to her sides. Her lips press into a tight line, and she sighs, stepping into the apartment. "Not my place to tell you," she says simply, flicking on the light. The warm glow illuminates the cozy space. She turns back to face Meredith, her expression a mix of exasperation and fatigue. "And honestly? It's not your business."

Meredith freezes in the doorway, her face a storm of emotions—confusion, hurt, and the creeping weight of guilt. Nick hesitates by her side, unsure whether to follow Amelia's lead or comfort Meredith.

"Not my business?" Meredith finally says, her voice trembling with indignation. "He's the father of my kids, Amelia!"

Amelia exhales, tossing her keys onto the table. "He's the father of your kids, yes. But he's also your ex-husband . He just went through a break-up. Again— not your business. He's a grown man who's allowed to deal with things in his own way without you breathing down his neck every time you feel uneasy. Besides, he told you he wants to talk to you tomorrow morning, didn't he? Just wait."

"Tomorrow?" Nick shifts, frowning. "Wait, Meredith, we have a flight—"

"Amelia—" Meredith mumbles, her voice losing its edge.

"Oh, for God's sake," Amelia throws her hands in the air. "I don't know more than you do! He's a guarded man. You know that! You were married to him." She gestures at Meredith with a pointed finger. "All I know is he asked for some time off. You took the kids out, and he was fine when he picked them up! He spent time with Richard- I know that because they play golf together, remember? You went out with this guy"—she gestures at Nick, who raises an eyebrow—"and he was fine because his kids were around! They went to see a movie together, and guess what? They told you about it! "

Amelia's voice rises, "I had dinner at his house, and he was fine. He was his stupid self—he wasn't drinking. He played with Scout. He laughed when Scout called him 'Uncle Der.' We talked about our mom and our annoying sisters. Apparently, our nephew is about to finish med school and is applying for residency programs. Oh, and Mom? Yeah, she wants us to visit for Christmas." Amelia pauses, throwing her arms wide. "There! Are you happy? That's the full report of last week with Derek Christopher Shepherd!"

Meredith stared at her. There was a flicker of anger in her eyes she hadn't seen in years.

"Don't you have stuff you need to get?" Amelia asked, "You two have a date or whatever?"

Meredith followed her down the hallway, "Amelia-"

"Look, Meredith, I know you care," she sighed, "I do. And you're family. But I can't- he's my brother. It was devastating to watch him sink as low as he did- you know that. And I appreciate that you worry about him. And I do know what's at stake but he is moving on."

"Please," she implored, "If you're asking everyone in that damn hospital to let you move on, let him move on too."

"Do I have to worry?"

Meredith's fork pauses mid-air. Her gaze flickers up from her plate, her eyes briefly meeting Nick's before she looks away, trying to mask the weight of his question, "What?"

"Derek," Nick sets his fork down, his voice quiet but firm, "You said you were moving forward but what I just saw at Amelia's? That wasn't-"

"He- I," Meredith's chest tightens. She sets her fork down with a clink. He'd rented out a hotel room, ordered room service, and planned an entire night. His way of reconciling apparently, "It wasn't easy when we divorced, I told you that."

"I get that, but Meredith, what I saw there wasn't just a worried ex-wife," he presses, "She told you he was fine, but you wouldn't stop. You kept insisting."

He pauses, a quiet tension rising between them. "What does that mean?"

"Because-" she scoffs, "Nick, he has my kids right now. I'm with them throughout the day but they stay with him because he is the one stable thing in their life and I don't- of course I worry about him!"

"You forgot we were going on a trip together," he says, his tone quieter now.

Meredith's fingers tighten around the edge of the table, the sharpness of his words hitting deeper than she expected. She looks at him, her voice low, a forced calm settling over her. "I didn't- I-"

He nods slowly, his gaze dropping to his hands.

"Right," he says quietly, his voice tinged with bitterness. "So you're not in this."

"Nick-"

"No, I just need to know! I need to know if you are or if you're not! I need to know because a month ago I proposed and you said no and then last week you're telling me you want to at least try? Where does that leave me if you keep going back to him?"

"I'm not going back to him," she says, "And besides, Derek is going to be in my life no matter what. He is the father of my kids and-"

"Your kids, Mer," Nick cuts her off, "He's the father of your kids but he's not your husband anymore."

Meredith stares at him, "What is it about Derek that makes you so insecure?"

Nick stands up suddenly, his hand shaking slightly as he grabs the napkin from his lap and tosses it onto the table He doesn't meet her eyes, instead he runs his hand through his hair angrily, "I-I- I don't know, maybe it's the fact that everytime he asks you to run, you run straight back. The fact that-that you couldn't commit to a relationship to me because-"

"We were in a relationship," she hisses, "You asked me to marry you and I said I couldn't. I said I didn't want to. You're the one who couldn't handle that and couldn't understand that I don't want that!"

"Because of him," Nick grabs the napkin from his lap and tosses it on the table, "You said that because of him. You still love him and you can't- you don't-"

"I don't-"

"No, you do Meredith," he cuts in, his voice softer now, but laced with frustration, "You just can't admit it."

"Let me ask you something, what is it about Derek that makes you want to go back to him?"

"I'm not going back to-"

"I think you are," he says softly, "You just can't admit it yet."

Meredith stares at him. She can't. She shouldn't. She doesn't.

Their marriage failed. Their marriage ended. He screwed up, she moved on. That's it.

They co parent. They're cordial. End of story.

Meredith stands up, her chair scrapes against the floor, the sound too loud in the silence. She grabs her coat from the back of the chair, her hands trembling slightly as she pulls it on.

"I should go," she says angrily.

"Yeah," Nick says.

And with that, Meredith and Nick cease to exist.

"Ah, you two have been a sight for sore eyes!" the woman who walked towards the table where the pair sat and set two menus on the table "Life of a surgeon I guess."

"She eats pizza for breakfast, Margaret," Derek teased, "Help me."

Meredith giggled, shaking her head as she gave Derek a playful nudge.

"You've been coming in here for years," Margaret chuckled as she poured coffee into their mugs, "When are you finally going to propose to this lovely woman?"

"Oh we're already married, remember?" Meredith sighed with a smile, "We have our post-it!"

Margaret's brow quirked as she shook her head,"A post-it? Oh, that's not a real wedding! You can't just write your vows on a sticky note and call it a day."

Derek grinned widely, his eyes glimmering with mischief, and leaned back in his chair, "It works for us!"

"You're mothers must be very disappointed," Margaret quipped.

Meredith's expression faltered slightly at the mention of her mother, her fingers fidgeting with the corner of the menu, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her voice softened. "Oh, um," she said, her smile slightly strained. "I don't think my mother would approve of any wedding, if I'm being honest."

Derek offered her a smile before reaching for her hand.

"Well," Margaret sighed before walking away, "If you two ever decide on a real wedding, make sure to invite me. I don't give you free treats for nothing."

Meredith giggles as she opens the menu, "She's obsessed with us getting married."

"Yeah, she's sweet," Derek chuckled, "She reminds me of my mom."

Meredith watched him from her spot. He concentrated on the menu although she's sure she can guess his order. She knows he'll ask for the special and maybe a second cup of coffee.

Her breath caught in her throat for a moment, and she closed the menu slowly, "Derek?"

"Hm?'

"It's enough for you, right?" she asked quietly, "Our post-it? You're not gonna-"

"Meredith-" he leaned forward and quickly kissed her pouty lips, "Do you love me?"

"I do, it's just- everyone keeps saying-"

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

"Yes! But Derek-"

He kissed her again, this time deeply as his hand reached for her cheek, "Then that's all that matters. I love you, and you love me. And we want to spend the rest of our lives together. That's enough."

The coffee shop buzzes softly with the hum of conversation, clinking mugs, and the hiss of the espresso machine. Meredith looks around the busy place and spots Derek sitting on the long bar staring out the window. He's sipping on his coffee and a second while a second coffee sits untouched on the spot next to him, its faint steam curling lazily into the air

"Mocha Latte," she reads the label, "You remembered?"

"Oh just wait until you taste it," he smirks, leaning back slightly as he watches her.

Her face scrunches almost immediately, her nose crinkling in mock disgust. "Gross."

"Yeah," he says, clearing his throat as his gaze flickers to the coffee in his hand. "Our old place was better."

The words slip out before he catches himself, and his shoulders tense, the weight of that small slip settling between them. 'Our place.'

She doesn't react to the words. Instead, she sets her bag down and sits down next to him. It doesn't go unnoticed by her that he's sitting to her right…just like he had all those years ago at the bar. Back when he was just a guy in a bar. And she was just a girl in a bar.

He offers his cup and she gratefully takes it. She opens the lid and sips it.

Black. Two sugars No milk.

She closes the lid and slowly pushes it back to him, "Thanks."

"Why did the old place shut down?" she asks.

"They got bought out," he says, leaning back and rubbing the back of his neck. "Remember? The owners couldn't keep it going, and these guys swooped in."

"It was an elderly couple, right? Mr.…?" She snaps her fingers, trying to recall the name.

"Donaldson. Frank," Derek nods, "He and his wife opened it and then their kids managed it for a while."

"Oh yeah," Meredith smiled, "His wife was sweet."

"Margaret," He chuckled, "You liked her because she'd sneak you a croissant every time we'd come in here for coffee on Sundays."

She giggled. That was so long ago.

"You okay? About the whole Alice thing? Are you two—? Going to do the long distance—?"

"No," he shakes his head. "We, uh, we broke up. It was easier"

"Oh." She blinks. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks," he nods once. "But I don't really want to talk about it."

Meredith nods before taking another sip of the cup in front of her. Maybe Amelia was right. He was dealing with the fallout of a relationship he had begun. A relationship that seemed to have been steady.

"How's Nick? What time are you heading-"

She turns to him and shrugs, "It's uh…I don't want to talk about it."

He makes a noncommittal sound, neither judgmental nor supportive.

"He wanted me to go to Minnesota and he wanted-," she sighs.

Derek laughs, and the sound is both unexpected and comforting. "Wanted? So that means."

"He doesn't get a lot of things. " Meredith sighed, "And I'm a surgeon. And a mom to three great kids. And I have a life here. And I care about the people who are here and he should not be afraid of that. It's not a bad thing to care. I-

"You care because you're you," Derek interrupts gently. He offers her a gentle smile before turning back to his coffee.

He's said that before she's certain. And he kissed her after running his fingers through her hair. And she wanted to tell him she loved him then. But she didn't

"It's complicated Derek, it's" She sighs as she thinks back to the argument from the previous night, "I just- I don't want to talk about it anymore."

She can't talk about it. She can't tell him that maybe deep down there was some truth to what Nick said. Maybe she cares too much.

"You can, you know," Derek says, crossing his arms and leaning back. "I know you're kind of stuck right now, with Maggie going through what she's going through, and Amy… well, she's probably not who you want to talk to right now."

"And everyone's angry at me?" she asks, her voice sharp with frustration.

"It was surprising, that's all," Derek says, his tone measured. "Besides, you never confirmed you were leaving. Bailey just overheard you."

Grey Sloan Memorial is falling apart. At least that's what the rumor mill is saying. Chief Bailey is trying her best to keep everything afloat but her attendings don't make it easy for her. And it doesn't help that there has been a doctor trying to woo her star surgeon away from Grey Sloan.

It was just a conversation. A simple conversation that turned into an argument between Miranda and Meredith. She'd overheard Nick remind her about the position she'd been offered at The Clinic. A position she'd be perfect for.

"I don't know if my ex-husband is the person I want to talk about it to, Derek."

"Yeah," he quietly responds.

She swallows a lump in her throat. Screw it. He's here. He'll hear her out.

"We shouldn't have done that trial, Derek," she sighed, "I mean it-"

"Meredith," he sighed, "That trial changed lives. That trial is the reason why-"

"Why our kids hate me," she turned to him, "Why Zola hates me."

"She doesn't hate you," he whispers, "Look, you've earned the accolades, Mer-"

"Everyone told me I shouldn't leave. Everyone said that this place is what it is because of me but that's not fair. Everyone's gone. Everyone left. And I'm supposed to stay here forever? Why? Because my name is on the door? It's not my name, it's Lexie's."

"Once upon a time you said it was yours, remember?" he points out. It was the fight that kicked off the downfall of their marriage. He can see it clearly. Each of them standing at each side of the dining room table.

Meredith rolls her eyes, "That was different."

"Mm," Derek nods, "Everyone is just scared, Mer. The residency program getting shut down changed things. And the fact that no one wants to be chief-"

"I can't do anything about that," she insists.

"No, you can't," he agrees, "And you have earned the right to leave. You've more than earned it."

"Why are you being nice?" she turns to him and raises a brow, "Isn't this the part where you tell me that I should stay and turn the place around?"

"When have you ever listened to me?" he chuckles, "Besides, you've got enough on your plate already."

The house. There was progress to it. There were phone calls with an insurance company that would take more than give. There were bickers with contractors and workers. Her kids were still staying with their dad and rarely spent time with their mother except for the hours between school and work, and every other weekend, and the mornings it was her turn for school drop off.

She hated so much of the ordeal that came with the fire. But most of all she hated that. She hated the way the incident had messed with her children's life. How much it took from them.

"They cleaned out the kitchen and finished out the whole first floor," Meredith smiles gently. There's some good news in the messes surrounding her, "There's still a hole in the roof but they've made progress."

"That's good," Derek smiles, "You'll be home soon. The kids are gonna be happy to hear that."

"Yeah," she sighs, "I want to be home with them. I miss them."

"They miss you," Derek nods sympathetically, "Apparently, I am not a good storybook reader and I don't make the princess voices as great as you do."

She giggles, "Well if it helps Ellis says I don't do the monsters right."

"Yeah, well you need a deep voice," Derek teases as he breaks out into laughter. He watches as she breaks too. It's a sound he hasn't heard in forever. A sound he hadn't earned. And a sound he missed.

They fall into comfortable silence. Meredith turns to him and notices a stray curl. She wants to reach for it and she almost does except she remembers- it's not her place anymore.

"Derek," Meredith whispers, "What's wrong? Why did you ask me to get coffee?"

"Nothing's wrong it's-" he sighs before he straightens, "You asked me 'why did we divorce?' Remember? During Bailey's soccer game?"

Her body tenses, "I thought we weren't-"

"It was my fault," Derek mutters as he turns to her.

A lump catches in Meredith's throat, and she swallows it down, feeling it stick somewhere deep inside her chest,"You asked me to come to coffee to discuss-?"

"You asked," Derek repeats, his eyes not meeting hers now. Instead, they focus on the coffee in his hands, "I just—I needed to say it."

"Derek-"

"I'm not looking for a pity party, and I sure as hell don't want to fight," he raises his hand, shaking his head. "I was selfish. I made a promise that I'd step back and focus on the kids, and then I broke that promise. I moped around for weeks over a decision I made and left you and the kids here because I was bitter."

"I was bitter and mean to you and Amelia," he shrugs. "I was an ass and thought I was God's gift to neurosurgery."

Silence lingers between them.

"You know what Amelia told me?" he scoffs, as if the memory is a painful reminder of just how far he'd fallen "When she first heard you and I were getting a divorce, she stared at me and said, 'You're never gonna have enough, are you?' and she was right. And it's why the drinking started. Because everyone saw right through me."

"I thought the job was the best I could go in my career. And it was. But what I failed to see was that all I needed was here in Seattle. I just needed my family," he shrugs. "I was blinded by a big job dangled right in front of me. And I'm not making excuses for how much of an asshole I was—or am, really—it's just why, you know?"

"And then I came home," He stops, suddenly quiet, as if the words had drained him, "You'd called me, and a woman picked up my phone."

"The fellow," she forces the words through clenched teeth.

He tenses. "Yes. Her."

"You let her kiss you. That night you came back, you let her kiss you. So you came back."

It's an unhealed wound that has never quite closed. The entire ordeal is what sealed the decision to divorce.

Derek presses a knuckle against his temple, the joint cracking with the pressure "Yeah."

"Why did you do that? Why did you let her kiss—"

"I—I," he rubs his face harshly, as though trying to erase the memory, but it's ingrained in him, a mistake that haunts his every breath, "I don't—I—Meredith, I just, I don't know. I guess I just let my guard down. I don't know. I wish I had a better answer, but I don't."

His hands rub together angrily before he balls them into fists. He releases them, shrugging.

"We were fighting all the time—"

"It's not an excuse to—"

"I know! I know," he says, frustration edging into his words. "I'm not saying it's an excuse. I'm just saying, we were fighting all the time. You wouldn't talk to me. I found out about Maggie because Amy forced me into a surgery with her until Maggie had no choice but to tell me. And I know I was cruel. I know I said things, and if I could take them back, I would—I would take back what I said about your mother. I was just digging a hole for myself, and when I left for D.C., it was just—"

"A breath—"

"No," he shakes his head. It could never be what she's about to say. Nothing could ever compare, "It was not a breath of fresh air."

Her eyes search his face, and for a moment, something passes between them—an understanding that neither of them can fully articulate, but both can feel.

"It was like," he sighs, "I wasn't myself. I wasn't this failure of a brother or a failure of a husband."

He swallows. "Or a failure of a dad. So I let my guard down. And I drowned."

Meredith blinks. It's the most she's ever gotten from him. The most brutal honesty Derek Shepherd has ever shown. The most vulnerable he's ever been. Because throughout their relationship, he's the one who has been put together. The one who was healed and whole so there was no reason to open old wounds when the only wound had marched into the hospital and introduced herself as his wife.

But this Derek wasn't the same. He'd fallen further than he had.

And so had she.

Meredith sighs, "I sent you to D.C."

"What?"

"I told you to go," she sniffs, her voice thick with emotion. "I stood outside the hospital and told you to go. And I shut you out for weeks before you left. I didn't tell you about Maggie. I hid at the hospital and at Alex's instead of fighting it out with you because I was scared. I get scared, and I run. I ran. I ran to Alex and I hid."

They stare at each other for a moment, grounded in the reality that the fractures of their marriage were never one-sided. They were both to blame, and it was easier to blame each other.

"I also had some blame in how our marriage ended," she whispers. She turns away and wipes the stray tear slowly slipping down her cheek.

He wants to reach for her. He wants to cup her cheek and tell her it'll all be okay and embrace her like he once did. Like he used to. But he can't. He shouldn't.

Meredith is not sure what compels her or why she does it. She doesn't even realize she's exhaled and slowly lowered her head to rest against his shoulder. She blinks, half-expecting him to pull away and leave—to leave her with an empty hole again.

But he doesn't.

And for the first time in such a long time, she feels…safe.

Derek turns to her and watches her as she stares ahead, her eyes filled with profound sadness. He doesn't think twice and gently presses his lips against her head.

And they sit.

In silence.

Together.

Amongst the shambles of their once marriage that they have finally admitted broke because of the two of them.

"Meredith?" Derek whispers after a long stretch of time, his voice soft, uncertain, "I'm leaving for New York."

A/N: Hi...it's me...

So honestly, I don't know how I feel about this fic. Sometimes the inspo is there and sometimes it's not. But if you've kept up with me for all my major fics, you know I hate not finishing. So here I am. And please give me your thoughts so I can continue or scrap and start again.

On a different note, this fic is harder to write now after a brutal month in SoCal. I live in SoCal, LA County specifically so the devastation around me is just horrible. I shouldn't complain, I'm thankfully okay but seeing a city I love so much the way it is now hurts. So this fic, is hard.

Now the thought process:
I don't like Nick. He's quite bland for me. He's not interesting. He's whiny and needy and annoying and doesn't get our girl. And I think that that's where Derek redeems himself. He gets her. Maybe not perfectly, but he understands why it's hard for her to accept love. Why she clung to Cristina. And he's also quite a battered guy too. The show just did a terrible job with his arc. (I can't believe 11 seasons were underused with our guy). Also, why is Derek leaving you may ask? Well just stand by. All will be explained. Maybe.

Anyways, hope you're safe. Hope you're okay. The world can be scary. So hold on tight to the ones you love. I'll be back soon. Take care.