Chapter 6 – I'll Be Good
After a long day of training and proving my worth to the careers I end up in my bed staring at my ceiling. What have you gotten yourself into Zea. This will not end well. Do you… feel for Cato… NO... maybe? Stay numb and stay safe. No connection. You are not weak. A knock at my door breaks my train of thoughts. Sitting up I see Bran standing in my doorway, "the careers are calling a meeting to go over strategy, best get up and go see what they say if you are sold on being one of them" he sneers. Nodding I stand up to grab a sweater, as I hear him leave, he calls over his shoulder "they are meeting in 2's apartment". taking a deep breath, I ready myself to see Cato. Breathe, just breathe, I think.
Making my way into the district 2 apartments the first thing I notice is Cato leaning against the wall facing the elevator. Smirking as he sees me, he pushes off the wall and stalks towards my form and states "I wasn't sure you would show up golden girl". Glancing towards him I plant a smirk on my face and cross my arms before responding "well someone thinks highly of themselves, trust me you are not as intimidating as you think you are Cato". Letting out a deep laugh Cato steps closer and places his mouth against my ear before whispering "then why are your hands shaking golden girl?". pushing away from me he nods his head towards the kitchen as he heads towards soft voices in the other room. Taking a breath, I glance down at my hands and notice them shaking. How did he know I wonder to myself? I clench my hands into fists as I make my way in the direction Cato went to find the other tributes from district 2, 1, and the new female tribute from district 4, Crest. At once everyone looks towards me in silence before Opal speaks up "Ugh, finally we can get started". Raising my eyebrows I stare her down as I state, "are you always this dramatic, if so, you should know it is really annoying". watching her jaw drop sends satisfaction shooting through me, watch yourself Opal, I don't do annoying. With a booming laugh Blaze turns towards Opal and sneers at her to shut up. "That's enough, let's get started" announces Cato.
As I make my way back to my apartment I reflect on the career strategy. Same old shit. Bloodbath, hunt at night, don't turn on each other until the end of the second arena. Do they not realize predictability is dangerous? They rely too much on each other. Then again, they are careers, they know better than to be weakened by connection. Once the elevator dings, I step out into the district 9 apartments as a voice sounds from my left, "you just couldn't wait to get in with the careers could you. I bet they only asked you to join because you are halfway decent with a bow and put out". Slowly turning towards the voice, I see Garner standing with crossed arms and furious look on his face. What the actual fuck. Tilting my head and crossing my arms I take a step towards him "what did you just say to me Garner ''. Laughing he states, "Deaf and a whore, now that's a combination". Uncrossing my arms I slowly make my way towards Garner until I am standing toe to toe with him. Tilting my head forward I whisper "have you killed before? I have, it was thrilling. Feeling life leave a body, its power. Imagine the satisfaction when I get my hands around your throat, and I squeeze your very life out. Hmmm maybe you are right Garner I do put out, I put out death and I am coming for you." Leaning away I look towards Garner's face which has twisted into a look of fear. "Any other questions, Garner?" I sneer at him. I notice his eyes dart around that room, and I know he is about to run. Run Garner, but don't let me catch you. As though electrified, Garner bolts around me towards his room and I hear his door slam shut. Smirking to myself I head back to my own room to go to bed with a slight bounce to my step.
"Happy Birthday Daisy" I screech as I squish my little dog's face. Smushing her face I kiss her all over and hug her small body to mine. From behind me I hear my father ask, "How long have you had that dog, girl?". Without turning around or averting my attention I respond "5 years today dad! Daisy is getting so big!". Hearing shuffling behind me I turn with Daisy clenched to my chest. Holding his arm out is my father with a knife in his palm, handle towards me, "It is time" he states. "Time for what dad, why do you have a knife?" I ask him with a whimper in my voice. Stalking towards me, my father rips Daisy from my arms and palace the knife in my now empty hands. Crying out I beg for Daisy as tears begin running down my face. "It is time for a lesson on connection, girl. Connection is weakness and, in this world, it means death. The more connected you get the harder it is to kill" states my father as he places Daisy on the floor in front of me. nodding his head towards the knife in my hands he commands "now slit the dogs throat girl, and prove you are not weak"
I AM NOT WEAK
Squaring my shoulders and glaring down at Daisy I kneel in front of her. Placing my left hand on her back to hold her still and my right on her throat I glance up towards my dad. He simply smirks and nods my way. With a deep sigh I push my hand forward and pull the knife across Daisy's throat. "Connection is power girl, don't let anyone have power over you" my father states as he turns and walks away. As he leaves, tears begin running down my face. I pull Daisy's limp form into my arms and slowly rock her back and forth repeatedly whispering "I love you Daisy, I'm sorry". After what feels like forever, I place Daisy's body back on the floor and stand up. Tilting my head to the ceiling I will my tears away and think to myself, connection is weakness, and I am not weak.
Jolting awake I feel my stomach constrict as I run towards my attached bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet I feel my stomach churn as my food front the night before makes its way out of me. It's okay. You are okay. Shuffling away from the toilet I rest my back against the wall and place my arms around my legs. Staring into the wall across from me I feel tears streaming down my face. Breathe, just breathe. Taking a breath the air gets caught in my throat and I collapse into more tears. I slowly unwrap my arms from my legs and begin hitting the solid floor with fists. Numb the emotion, focus on the pain, you are okay. Feeling my face start to dry I stop my movement and risk a glance at my fists. Shit. seeing my hands covered in blood I stand and head towards the sink to rinse them off. Wincing, I notice large splits lining my knuckles from where I hit the floor. As the water runs over my hands I glance into the mirror in front of me, I am not weak, I am strong.
The following morning at training we stand around Atala who announces this as the third and final training day before we have our individual sessions, interviews, then enter our first arena. As we are excused, I meet with the careers standing around the sword station. Clearing his throat to get our attention, Cato states "with today being the final training day, make sure to work out any kinks and be sure to at least appear intimidating. Now go." Turning to head towards the archery station I feel Cato's hand on my arm gently pulling me back. "Not so fast golden girl. You and I are going to work with swords. You are good but I need to make sure you will stay alive in the arena" he whispers from behind me. Turning my head towards him I whisper back "why do you care Cato?" staring into my eyes Cato smirks and without words he pulls me closer to his body "I don't have to explain myself to you golden girl. Now let's train". Cato and I spent the rest of the day training with swords and some hand-to-hand combat. While nothing new or too thrilling, it was a challenge to not show Cato up at every chance I could. The entire time I had to remind myself, do not show all your cards just yet. Once training ended for the day Cato and I made our way towards the elevator. Before stepping away from me to join Enobaria, Cato whispered in my ear "meet me on the roof tonight golden girl". Without looking towards him I give a slight nod of my head and step on to the elevator.
Arriving back in the district 9 apartment I am immediately directed to my bedroom to change out of my training clothes to get ready for supper. Great a meal surrounded by people who can't wait for me to die. Making my way towards the table I notice the only empty chair is between Garner and Bran. Sighing, I begrudgingly make my way to the open chair and sit before filling my plate. For a while thing went smoothly, conversation here and there, nothing too serious. That is until Garner breaks it. "I am surprised you are able to be here with us instead of whoring yourself out to Cato and the other careers." Sneers Garner. At once silence clouds the table as Zelena and Jasmine gasp at Garner's words. Setting my knife down I turn to face Garner as I sneer back at him "is someone jealous they aren't getting any attention". Narrowing his eyes at me Garner responds "It all makes sense now. Dead mother. Dead brother. And a father who hates you. Of course, you would be a whore for any and all attention. What do you say Zea, if I give you some attention will you accompany me tonight?" What the actual fuck. I am going to destroy you Garner. Rather than verbally respond I plant a sickly-sweet smile on my face and in fluid movement I raise my fork up and stab it into Garner's right hand, which is flat on the table in front of him. As he screams, I grab the back of his neck and bring his face closer to mine before whispering "I am over you Garner. Fuck with me again and this fork goes through an eye. Got it?" Feeling him nod slightly and hearing him whimper I let go of his neck and rise from the table. As I glance around the table various expressions meet mine, horror, shock, fear, and questioning. "Well, I think I have overstayed my welcome. I will be retiring for the night" I announce as I make my way to my bedroom.
Once in my bedroom I make my way into my bathroom. Placing my hands on the slides of the sink I stare at my reflection in the mirror as the edges of my vision fades into black. You are okay, do not lose control. Breathe, just breathe. As I make eye contact with myself in the mirror, I feel my chest tighten. Numb, I need to be numb. I clench my right hand into a fist and raise it up before punching the wall to the right of the mirror. Again. I continue punching the wall until I feel pain in my forearm and my vision returns to normal. You are okay. It is going to be okay.
Making my way back into my bedroom I glance at the clock, 1am, time to go to the roof. Carefully making my way out of the apartment I make my way to the roof to meet Cato. As I step out of the elevator I glance around the roof and realize I am alone. Deciding not to waste time alone I make my way towards the ledge of the roof and rest my forearms on the ledge as I glance out over the Capitol. Suddenly, hands come around me and rest beside mine and a body press against my back. Leather and sandalwood, Cato. "Fancy seeing you up here golden girl" he whispers in my ear. Sighing, I respond "you asked me to meet you here Cato, what do you want?" Leaning into me he kisses the side of my head and shares "I want to be here with you in a different time when we are not going into an arena where we could be killed at any moment". Wait what. My entire body freezes at his words. Suddenly I push away from the ledge and to the side of Cato as I turn my body towards him while creating space between us. I, no, what, how. Run... RUN. "I don't know what it is about you, but I can't get you out of my head and I don't know that I want to" announces Cato. Putting on an aura of fake confidence I respond, "you of all people should know that connection is weakness Cato, don't start this". Stepping towards me he reaches out and grabs my right wrist and pulls me towards him. Tilting his head towards mine he states "some connection is weakness, but you are not weak. How can a connection with you be a weakness when you are strong?" I am not weak. "Cato, I— what are we doing?" I stammer out. "I don't know. All I know is that I do not want you to die before we have the chance to find out" he responds. Tilting my head up towards the sky I sigh and take a breath when suddenly his lips are on mine. Opening my eyes in shock I feel his hands move to cup my head and waist respectively. Just tonight, I can give him tonight. Allowing my eyes to close I respond to his kiss with fever.
Tonight. Just tonight. Tomorrow I'll be good.
Jaymes Young – I'll be Good
I thought I saw the devil this morning
Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue
With the warning to help me see myself clearer
I never meant to start a fire
I never meant to make you bleed
I'll be a better man today
I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good
For all of the times that I never could
My past has tasted bitter for years now
So I wield an iron fist
Grace is just weakness
Or so I've been told
I've been cold, I've been merciless
But the blood on my hands scares me to death
Maybe I'm waking up today
I'll be good, I'll be good