THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER ELEVEN - CHANGES

"And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consultations

They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strange)

Ch-ch-changes, don't tell them to grow up and out of it"

DAVID BOWIE (From the album "Hunky Dory" (1972))

Jen had spent her entire Sunday after Chris Wolfe's party being deeply confused over what had happened with Abby the night before. She'd wanted to be there for her and their kiss had at first felt amazing, she just didn't know if she was ready for, or even wanted it to, ever become more than that one special moment of passion between them. A kiss is one thing but entering into an actual lesbian relationship (and with a rather fragile girl like Abby, no less), still felt like it was too huge of a step to her. Abby wanted to, that part she was sure of from how unusually ecstatic she'd been afterwards, and it went without saying that she would be there for her friend anytime that Abby needed her to.

At the same time, she also knew from first-hand experience how much worse it is to feel like someone is stringing you along out of pity, and the last thing she wanted to do was potentially mess up their friendship. In the worst-case scenario, it could leave Abby in an even worse situation than she'd been in before that day on the pier, when they became friends and if she was to know that she was the direct cause of it, it sounded like enough in her own ears, to send her on a one-way ride back to the darkest days of her last time in NYC.

She liked boys, that much she knew for sure and the more she thought about it, the surer she'd become over the course of the day, that she must have had a bisexual side to herself as well. Otherwise, she wouldn't have enjoyed the kiss at all and the rush she'd felt couldn't be denied either. Then again, as much as she wanted them to, her feelings for Pacey hadn't gone away and while her old self would have made a more or less pathetic attempt at pretending that they had, thinking like that was also how she'd gotten herself into one mess after another in the past. Worse yet, it had always led to her doing something self-destructive in the end. That part was of her life was one, she never felt like revisiting.

Whatever was to happen on Monday in school, there were certain to be some tough conversations lying ahead either way.

Abby had hated sappy love songs, ever since she switched from kid's songs to pop songs as her favorite choice of music at around eight or nine years old. To her, they were songs written by people, who either were kidding themselves into thinking that true love exists or were selling a lie to those, who were dumb enough to believe in the sugar-coated lies, they were being spoon-fed. Ever since her first kiss with Jen, they'd been playing one after another on repeat in her brain.

Their kiss hadn't only been the biggest experience of her life, it had more importantly been the most life-changing of it as well and had made a lot of things in her past make more sense too. Like why she hadn't become nearly as boy crazy as the other girls had or why, when they only saw the best in the boys that they had crushes on, she nearly always only saw their imperfections. More importantly she was becoming okay with why, during those personality defining first puberty years, she would have to fight every inner instinct not to stare at the other girls' developing bodies in the shower after P.E. The day after Chris' party, she'd felt a relief the likes of which she couldn't remember having felt before and all of this because she'd finally come to terms with being bi-sexual. Even her mom had mentioned how much more at ease with herself that she looked and for the first time in ages, they'd had a pleasant conversation with one another without it ending in shouting and name-calling.

Just thinking back on lying in Jen's bed with her and being pressed up against her soft body and smooth skin, would be enough to get her so aroused that she'd already beat her old PB in the number of times, she'd played with herself during a day, before they'd reached the middle of the afternoon. Now that she didn't feel like, she needed to feel ashamed over her desire for other girls, she would allow her imagination to run wild and the more she thought about it, the more she felt ready to take it a step further with Jen. She wanted to do everything with her, not only sexually, but in the emotional sense as well. The thought alone that she had someone, who liked her back now made the day feel like it flew by in an instant, while she had to wait for Monday morning.

"Stop thinking about sex all the time! Stop thinking about it!" were Joey's thoughts, while she ate breakfast with Bodie and Alexander and waited for her sister to be done in the shower. Ever since "That Evening" in the storeroom of the video store, there hadn't been many moments of the day, where it hadn't been the one and only thing on her mind. It was starting to affect her schoolwork a little as well, although not so much that she needed to hide it from her sister, or the main ruler of her life, as it was. Bodie was too in a way, but probably thanks to them not being related by blood, he was more the "Live and Let Live" type regarding her life choices than Bessie, who'd in many ways taken over the role of being her mother, after they tragically lost their own a few years earlier.

As much as she tried though, it was the same thoughts that kept filling her head like an unstoppable piece of erotic cinema, running through her extremely hormone driven 15-year-old mind. "Pacey softly kissing her up the neck. Pacey licking her nipples. Pacey using his hand to rub her sweetest of spots, while she groans in animalistic sexual desire and her doing the same to him, until his manly love juices come exploding out of his cock and all over her buck naked and shivering from orgasm body. Stop it, Joey, now! You're eating breakfast with a baby and you're more than a little moist already, this isn't appropriate behavior! Oh well, after how wild you got before bedtime last night, you really needed to change your underwear, before you headed to school, anyway. Pacey sticking his tongue up her holiest of holies, while she sucked on that rock-hard schlong of his like it was her all-time favorite kind of lollipop. Pacey sticking that throbbing member up, where nothing except for tampons and her own fingers (plus, on many occasions a thin candle that she kept close "in case of emergencies" in her bedside drawer) had ever gone before. You've become a totally sex obsessed wench now, haven't you? There's no way, this can be good! Pacey's penis, when it's hard. Pacey's far too sexy body for them to be able to expect, that she wouldn't want to rip all of his clothes off with her teeth and ..."

"Joey, did Bessie mention that a letter came for you yesterday?" Bodie asked, giving her a welcome distraction from the perverted thoughts, that kept her from being able to fall asleep night after night.

"I don't think so" she told him, to the best of her recollection.

"It's on the coffee table. Looks very official" he answered and now, her interest was piqued.

When she opened it and saw what it was about though, she barely knew how to react to what it said.

"Does it say anything interesting?" Bodie asked her, while giving his son a chance to digest before feeding him more from his baby bottle.

"You could say that. Remember when I applied to be in that free student exchange program? It looks like I've been accepted" she said and for once, it wasn't thought of having sex with her boyfriend that filled her mind. It was far more the fear of losing him, if she was to go to France.

"If you're absolutely sure, this is something you want to do, then of course, I'll help you" Jen told Joey, after her friend had announced to her that she would be entering the "Miss Windjammer Beauty Contest" in a few weeks' time. "Maybe that way, I can finally get something positive out of all of those untold hours, I spent hating being dragged to one of them after the other by my mom, when I was a kid".

"I wouldn't have even thought about it, if it wasn't for the prize money. Do you really think, I can win?" Joey answered her with a look on her pretty face, that said all too clearly how little faith she had in herself.

"Sure, you can! Joey, the only one who stands in the way of it is yourself, and if this helps you to finally get away from this ridiculous idea in your head, that you aren't perfect just the way you are, then that alone will be worth it. If anyone at this school is an expert on having low self-esteem it's me, but you badly need a big shot of pure self-confidence, right where it counts. Even if I'll never be a fan of those things, thanks to my mom ruining them for me for all eternity, I honestly think that winning this competition could help you" she assured her and got a huge smile back as her reward.

"Thanks, Jen. I almost forgot to ask you, but I assume that you and Abby got home to your grandparents' house safely, after what has to be the wildest party that Chris Wolfe's house had ever seen?" Joey inquired and from her own reaction to such a normal question, it must have been clear that something happened.

"Yeah, we did. You also owe Abby thirty dollars now" she said quietly enough that no one else in the hallway at school they were talking in, would be able to hear it. The shock on Joey's face would have surely given it away, however.

"Did you meet some guys on the way home or something?"

"No, we didn't meet anyone of the human variety".

"But then, it could only be because ... oh!" Joey said, getting the message without it needing to be said.

"Oh, would be the correct term for how I feel right now, yes!"

"So, are you ...?" Joey continued leadingly, not wanting to say the dreaded "G-Word" where anyone could overhear it.

"I know that I'm not entirely one all the way. Let's just say that I have a lot of stuff to figure out now, that I hadn't thought about before" was the best answer, she could come up with.

"And what about Abby?"

"She is one all the way, I'm pretty sure".

"It does explain a few things about her, I guess! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt".

"I liked how it felt, it isn't like that, I just don't know if I'm ready for it to become more than that. Plus, there's the whole issue of how it will affect our friendship and the last thing I want is to do anything to ruin, what we already have. Back home, I never had any friends, who were girls, like I have in you and her and now that I do, I'm just not sure that I'm ready to risk losing it again. Do you get what I mean?"

"I suppose so. Did something more happen?" Joey whispered to her.

"No, we just went to sleep right after we got back home. The day after, she snuck out before Grams came home from church and we only had a few minutes to say good morning to one another. Although, she wanted to do much more" she whispered back, after making sure that no prying ears were listening in.

"You're not ... when it comes to me, are you?"

"I assure you that I'm not! You're probably the nicest girl I've ever met, now that I'm getting to really know you, but it's the absolute furthest thing from my mind!"

"Aww, thanks for saying that!" Joey smiled, before becoming a little self-conscious. "Not that I have anything at all against ... those people. Please, don't think that I do!"

"I'm sure that if they knew about it, they would all be appreciating your undying support, Joey!" she quipped, not noticing who was right behind her.

"Which people?" Abby asked them, as she hurried up from behind to join the conversation.

"Church goers, like Jen's grandma" Joey quickly lied, to Jen's utter relief.

"If you did have anything against them, then you'd be living in the entirely wrong place!" Abby bluntly stated. "You know, Joey, I think we should try hanging out for once, just the two of us. Now that we have so many friends in common, it doesn't make any sense for us not to at least try to become friends too".

"Really? I'm ecstatic to hear it, don't get me wrong, it's just ... are you sure you can be alone together, without it ending in you turning into the human version of fighting fish again?" Jen had to ask.

"I think, we can. We aren't little kids anymore, so it's time we stopped acting like it. Don't you agree, Joey?" Abby asked with a look, that said that she was ready to bury the hatchet once and for all on their year-long rivalry.

"I guess so. Maybe, we should have Pacey there as a buffer though, just this first time" Joey shyly answered.

"Since when have we needed boys for anything? I'd really like to show you that I'm not as bad, as you've been walking around thinking that I am and as much as I like Pacey, I just don't think we'd be as open with one another with him there, as we would be if it was just the two of us. Anyway, aren't you closed at the Ice House on Mondays out of the tourist season?"

"Yeah, we are, but ..." Joey started, without getting to finish her sentence.

"Then, it's settled! You and me after school, hanging out and hopefully having fun! I kind of like the sound of that! Don't you too, Jen?"

"Absolutely! Knock yourselves out!" was all Jen could reply and it only made her even more nervous to address what had happened with Abby, than she was before.

As still ecstatic as Abby had been when she turned up for school, another brand-new experience for her, it soon began to fade once the classes began and she remembered again why she thought going to school had to be the most boring thing, anyone could ever do (after literally watching the grass grow, though even that she would consider highly debatable).

What was almost worse was that Jen seemed to be trying to avoid talking about their kiss. Of course, she knew that she couldn't just bring it up in front of everyone or it would instantly start a wildfire of wild rumors about them spreading throughout the school in record time, but she'd at least hoped that they could talk about their feelings in regard to it, now that they'd both had a day to digest what had gone down that evening. All of the time, it felt like Jen was trying to pass her off to Pacey or had made sure that they were never alone. It had even led to her eating lunch with Dawson and Mary-Beth (who were already doing an amazing job at campaigning for "By Far the Most Boring Couple in School", as she saw it), an experience that was almost as boring as sitting through any of her regular classes was to her. It had become so mind-numbingly tedious, when Mary-Beth described her latest date with him, that for one fleeting second, although she would never admit it to anyone, she'd actually wished that she was in class!

If that wasn't enough, Jen had clearly faked an injury in P.E. and gone to the showers early, so she hadn't even gotten to see Jen's perfectly curvy and incredibly sexy body naked again, like she'd been secretly fantasizing about regularly ever since the first time they had P.E. together. She herself tried to fake an injury as well, in the faint hope that some steamy shower groping would result from it, but with how many times she'd done it over the years to get out of playing some dumb sport that she couldn't give two hoots about, she already knew that she would most likely have to actually break a bone and have it sticking visibly out from her skin, for the gym teacher to believe that she wasn't faking it again. Sure, there were some really nice bodies among the other girls she'd showered with too, they just weren't Jen and for that reason they could never be as sexy to her, as Jen was. A few of the girls from the cheerleader squad did have smoking hot bodies too though, that much she had to admit and in her own point of view, there was nothing wrong with calling a spade, a spade!

Before she knew it, the school day had practically flown by without them talking in private and it started to make her regret, that she'd already made plans to be alone with Joey that afternoon. If making real friends with Joey was a way to Jen's heart however, then she saw it as a sacrifice, that was more than worth making.

Pacey. Sex. France. Those were the three words that had kept repeating in Joey's head over and over, since she'd left the house earlier that day. On one hand, you had Pacey and what they'd built in such a short time together and on the other, an offer that she could regret for the rest of her life not taking. Her mom had studied in France for a year, long before she was born, and the way she had talked it about it, trying it for herself had been a dream ever since she'd first been told the many stories, her mother had told her from that time of her life.

It fascinated her immensely too to know that only days before Bessie was conceived, her father had been given a job opportunity as a chef over there, to where her parents had seriously considered moving to the Southern French city of Marseille. Thanks to her mom becoming pregnant, they decided to stay close to their support system, but it still fascinated her how close she'd come to having grown up as a French girl, instead of an American one. Her having a family with many relatives from Quebec and a mother, who had grown up speaking French almost as much as she did English (and not to mention was happy to start teaching her from a young age), had also meant that she was already speaking the language on a near-fluent level, by the time she started having it as a subject in school.

There was a great deal of uncertainty in her as well, that she wouldn't end up not feeling at home there and would get homesick practically instantly. She'd only been away from her family for more than a few days one time, at a Summer Camp when she was nine. Dawson had been supposed to go with her, but he'd become sick with Smallpox a few days before they were to leave for it, and unfortunately wound up spending those weeks alone in his room instead while being pink and itchy, practically from head to toe. Since her parents had already paid for her stay and told her that it would be good for her to try something new, she'd gone alone and for the most part had a miserable time. The food was mostly bad and she'd lost over four pounds in those two weeks, because she didn't feel like eating any of it. The weather was either way too hot for her liking all of the time, if it wasn't raining down in thick streams and worst of all, she hadn't been able to find any new friends at all and been extremely lonely most of the time. On the morning of the fourteenth day, she'd asked one of the adults there to call her parents to pick her up, and the hour or so that she waited by herself for them to get up there to drive her home again, was the only good thing she remembered from the whole experience. Afterwards, she'd practically stayed entirely in their house for weeks afterwards and the only times she had left their small property for the rest of that Summer, it had been to visit Dawson, after he'd begun to get better again and there wasn't any risk of him infecting her. It was Pacey, who did that unknowingly to her a few weeks later, thanks to having caught it from Dawson.

She was much older and wiser now, for sure, but it wasn't like she could say that she'd become better at making friends over the years, almost the opposite, in fact. She didn't talk to many of the girls she went to school with in the early grades, but she did at least regularly talk to a few of them and even had somewhat of a friend in Melissa Berry, but for a long time after Melissa had turned on her after her father's arrest and spread a bunch of false rumors about her, she'd lost faith in her own gender almost completely, as far as being friends with any of them. That Jen had managed break down that wall just with her sweetness and kindness, was almost a miracle considering that they also had Dawson coming between them back then. Now, it was all but impossible for her to imagine a life without her number one girlfriend in it and the sad truth was that if it hadn't been for Jen coming into her life, her total amount of friends in Capeside (that weren't an immediate part of her own or Dawson's family), would have stood at a very lonely sounding total of two. She could all too easily see herself hating it there and perhaps the French girls and boys wouldn't be accepting of her, thanks to her nationality. Tales of how incredibly snobby the French can be are legendary, and she was smart enough to know that where there's smoke, there's usually a fire too. There was bound to be some of them, who either looked down on Americans for whatever reason or just plain didn't like them and she didn't feel like being an American was something, she needed to defend in front of anyone, just to gain their acceptance.

The more thought she'd put into it throughout the day, the greater the list in the "Don't Go Column" grew to, while she "Go Column" had been stuck in the same few reasons, that she could first come up with, when she began thinking about it. Pacey, her family and her other friends were the biggest ones in the first column, there was little doubt there in her mind. The biggest in the other was one of the first things she'd thought, after she'd practically immediately begun to come up with excuses not to go, from the first words she'd read of that letter. "Why are you being such a chicken over this? Go for it, it's a chance of a lifetime! A chance to find out who you are, away from everything that you know, just like you've dreamt of since your mom gave you your first French lesson! Do it, you complete and utter moron for even considering not to do this! It's your dream, so do it!"

It had filled her head so much, that it slipped her mind that she'd made plans to spend time with Abby that day, until Pacey had told her how excited Abby had told him, that she was over it. Truth be told, it still wasn't too appealing of a thought for her. Then again, now that her boyfriend and Jen were so close with her, it would logically make perfect sense for herself to at least give it the old fighting try and see, if they couldn't find some sort of common ground, they could both agree on. If nothing else, most of the girls they went to school with saw them as a pair of losers, so they'd always have that in common.

END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN