THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER TWENTY - LEAVING ON A JETPLANE

"Now the time has come to leave you

One more time let me kiss you

Then close your eyes I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come

When I won't have to leave alone

About the times, I won't have to say

Kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold me like you'll never let me go"

JOHN DENVER (from the album "Rhymes and Reasons" (1969))

Joey had been allowed by Bessie to blow off the last day of school before the Christmas break, to do yet another thing, she knew that she should have done much sooner: Going to visit her dad in jail. She already knew that she would be busy at the restaurant pretty much from when she got home that day, until late in the evening on the 23rd. After this they had two closed days on the 24th and the 25th and it was back to work on the 26th (usually one of their busiest days of the year) through to mid-day on the 31st, where them being the only restaurant in town that was open for breakfast and lunch that day, always led to those hours being a nice little financial boost for them, before the New Year's celebrations began.

With school in France beginning already on the second of January, it meant that she had to fly over there on New Year's Day. At first, this had annoyed her a little, until she'd found out that it was actually much cheaper to fly on that day, than on the surrounding days and the more money she could save on her ticket, the more of it she would have as pocket money, to have fun with for these next six months of her life, that were sure to be nothing like what she'd ever experienced before.

Fun. When had anything over these past three years, since her mom became terminally ill and her dad slipped further and further into his "secret life", simply been about her having fun? Even when she was with Pacey, for as much as she enjoyed herself with him, it was also out of a feeling of being obligated to, now that she'd agreed to become his girlfriend. Going to see her dad now was more for his sake, than her own and the drive down there was a solemn affair, with herself and Bessie only rarely talking for more than a few seconds at a time.

Bessie went in for a short talk with him first. All the while, Joey's heart was racing just as fast as her mind was, with the thoughts of everything she wanted to say to the man, who'd turned her life upside down in an instant and since then, hadn't been forced to feel the many negative effects of it, the same way that his family had. Those first months after his arrest were by now a haze in her memories, but the feelings of resentment for what he'd done to them, still stuck to her like a Cancerous tumor of built-up internal rage. The one time she had been to visit him in prison was the year before and it hadn't been an experience, that she felt like looking back on, so she wasn't holding up much hope that it would be different this time.

"Take your time, now that you have plenty of it with him" Bessie told her, just as she was about to enter the visitor's area.

"How's he looking?"

"He's lost some weight, since we last saw him, but it doesn't look like he's getting beat up in here or anything like that. Look, I know that you're still angry at him and I get it, probably better than anyone does. You have every right to feel that way and he knows that he doesn't deserve yours or my forgiveness. Not until he's earned it. Just ... for you own sake, Joey. Try to find it in your heart to get rid of some of that anger, you have towards him, because it can't be healthy for your mental well-being, to carry that negativity around with you all of the time. Especially not now, where you'll soon be living in a different country, without your support network to lean on, like you've always been able to in the past and you'll have a long list of different kinds of problems to deal with, than you've never had to deal with before. I think, you know that deep down too" Bessie said imploringly, while looking into Joey's eyes and it wasn't like, Joey could say that Bessie was wrong in her assumption. After taking a deep breath for courage, she entered the visitor's area, where the convicts (under strict supervision, of course) could talk to their loved ones.

"Bessie has been filling me in on what's been going on in your life. It's only made me wish, that I could have been there to help you through some of it" her dad nervously said, after they'd gotten past the initial pleasantries.

"We're doing fine by ourselves, without needing your help, I'll have you know!" she snapped back at him.

"I'm sure, you do! I didn't mean it like that, Joey. Listen, it's hard for me too, being in here and not being able to support you, like I should as your dad".

"You don't know me anymore, so let's not waste time by sitting here and pretending, that you do! And you don't need to worry about me, if that's what you think. I have my family, my friends and an incredible boyfriend, who does more for me every week, than you've done for me for the past three years!" she told him off and she could see a few tears start to run down his cheeks.

"Don't you think, I know that, Joey? When you mom became so sick, that it became certain that she wouldn't make it, I couldn't deal with it! I loved your mom more than life itself and when she was taken away from me, while I couldn't do anything, except to watch the love of my life wither away in front of me, it was as if my life had turned into one long nightmare. I probably shouldn't tell you this and you can't ever tell Bessie what I'm about to say, but if it hadn't been for you and your sister, I would have taken my own life. I came close to a few times" her dad explained and in spite of all of the hatred with herself towards him, those words still made the blood run cold through her veins.

"How did you ...?" Joey asked, with only her most morbid side wanting to know.

"Pills. One time ... it was a few days after your mom had passed away. I managed to swallow enough of a bunch of strong enough ones of them, that it would have done the job. Moments later, I began imagining what it would do to you and Bessie, to lose both of your parents in such a short time and not to mention, myself in a way like that, so I forced myself to throw most of them up again. If you think that I don't feel guilty every second of the day in here, Joey ... I could spend the entire rest of my life trying to make amends to all of those I hurt and disappointed and I still don't think I'll come close to feeling, like I'd done enough" he replied as truthfully, as she'd ever seen her dad be with her before this.

"That's ... I don't know what to say to that".

"You don't have to say anything, Joey. I'm so sorry for everything, I did wrong. The affair, the drinking, taking and selling drugs and most of all, for being such a lousy dad to you and Bessie, because neither of you had done anything to deserve being in the kind of mess, my huge mistakes in life left you in. When I get out of here, which from what my lawyer tells me could be before you come home from your semester in France, I'll try to be the kind of dad that you deserve to have and dare I say it, perhaps even a guy that you don't have to be ashamed anymore for being the daughter of".

Joey had already decided beforehand, that she wouldn't cry. This time though, it was a battle that she had no chance in hell of winning.

"So, did you talk some stuff out with him?" Bessie asked leadingly, while they were looking for their car in the visitor's parking area.

"Yeah, a few. I don't know. I guess, this me being angry with him thing isn't something, that'll go away from day to day. I can at least say that I'm a little less angry at him now, than I was when we arrived here".

"It's a start, so that's something" Bessie said, just before spotting their car and a smile creeping across her face.

"What are we going to do, when he gets out? I mean, do we even want him living with us again, after what's he's done and with how well things have been going for us lately?"

"I know what you mean. With how many times my boat has been rocked over these past years, it isn't like I'll be searching out news ways to have it happen for a long time to come".

"Unless it's Bodie, who's doing the "Boat Rocking"! Am I right?" Joey teasingly asked and got an eye roll from her older sister in response.

Ever since the first time, he'd experienced one of them, there had been two days of the year, Pacey looked forward to more than any other days, even including his birthday: The day that summer vacation began and the day his Christmas holiday began. This year on the other hand, "Christmas Vacation Day" was mostly ruined for him by the thought of how little he was looking forward to the vacation itself. All he wanted to do was spend as much time as possible with Joey and enjoy her amazing self for all she was worth, before she was to take off to France on the day after New Year's Eve, but as it looked, he would be lucky to spend more than a day or two with her.

Most of the things getting between them were things that he'd already known about for a long time, like the annual upturn in business at the Ice House during the holidays, that required them to have everyone on their staff working. With Abby still being in her learning phase as a waitress, it wasn't like he couldn't understand that Joey couldn't leave Bessie and Bodie (who were, for as important as he was to her, still the ones who fed her, kept a roof over her head and took care of her, as if they were her parents, every day of the year) high and dry. Of course, that didn't mean that the selfish side of him wasn't disappointed, that he felt like he had to book an appointment to see her, now that they only had a little over a week, until he wouldn't see the girl he loved for another six months.

"What's eating you up? I can tell that there has to be something, with how quiet you've been all afternoon" Jen (his newest trainee at "Screen Time") asked him, now that they finally had a lull in the constant stream of movie-renters, who almost all came in to rent one of the many copies they had of the most popular Christmas movies, that most of them had probably seen at least a few times before. On one hand, he felt like it was the boring choice, but after having watched "Jingle All the Way" with Jen during their shift the evening before, it had thoroughly reminded him of why people like to stick to those classics.

"Remember when Christmas used to be nice and simple? When all you cared about were what gifts you would get and whether your dad would get so drunk, that he fell asleep before dinner and was out for the evening or would stay sober enough to ruin it for everyone?" he sulkily asked.

"Not really. What I remember is either being left at home alone on Christmas eve, while my socialite parents were out partying it up with the people, they actually wanted to spend the evening with. Or, on the rare occasion that I got to spend it with them, the air being so thick with tension and passive/aggressive remarks, that I'd soon find myself wishing, I didn't have to sit through it. It's probably why I've never gotten into that whole "Christmas Spirit" thing, that everyone likes to rave about" Jen sadly recounted to him.

"Not even as a kid?"

"Not that I can remember".

"Getting presents wasn't enough to get you just a little excited?" he had to ask, a bit shocked that such a thing exists, as someone who's never liked Christmas, even as a kid.

"It wasn't like there was a whole lot for me to get excited over. Every year, they would get me a new dress, which I would of course be forced to wear, every time they dragged me along to be shown off at one of their fancy social events. I grew to hate the sight of those dresses so much, that I would have preferred to burn them, rather than wear them. All they are to me is yet another symbol of how my parents see me as nothing more than an accessory, that's only ever existed to shut up, not cause trouble and look pretty, whenever I had to be paraded in front of their peers or whenever else, it was convenient for them. Sorry, Pacey. I hope I didn't bum you out anymore, then you already were" Jen apologized.

"I can't see how you could have. Word is that you and Grams are spending the evening this year at Dawson's though, so that should be a step up for you?" he asked with a small smile, that Jen returned in kind.

"It can't be any worse, that's for sure! What are your plans?"

"A depressing evening with my mom and Doug, both of whom I'm sure will remind me countless times of how I need to shape up in school next year, after the close to disastrous mid-terms, I just had! My older sister has been clever enough to decide to spend it with her boyfriend's family and isn't coming home until the 27th".

"What about your dad?"

"I haven't talked all that much to my old man since he moved out. Doug's told me that he's volunteered to work every shift down at the police station over the holidays".

"That doesn't sound to me like a man, who's dealing in a healthy way with losing his family. You should at the least stop by to say merry Christmas to him and give him a small present".

"So, he can look at it and say, "What in the hell made you think, that I'd want something like this?" like he has with practically all of the birthday or Christmas presents, I've given him over the years? If I was old enough, I could have gotten him a crate of beer and known already, that it would be a hit with him, but I'll spare myself the humiliation, if you don't mind! Him and I ... we're just never going to get along, you know? Not in the father/son way that you see on TV, anyway".

"I'm sure that a few of those parent/child relationships exist in reality, but nearly all of the real ones are flawed in some kind of way. Take it from someone, who wishes that she had the chance to say those two words to her parents, and to get some kind of peace of mind for the holidays, in knowing that there's a small chance, that we can try to become a family again. Once a relationship like that truly becomes broken, it's damn near impossible to repair again and you don't want that to happen with you and your dad, no matter how different you are on the surface. Trust me, you don't!" Jen imploringly told him, and he had to admit, that her somewhat stern words hit home with him.

"What's Pacey giving you for Christmas? Not that I can't easily guess what you WANT him to give you, but I don't need to hear any of the finer details about that!" Abby jokingly asked, while Joey and her helped one another with closing down the Ice House dining room, after the busiest day they'd had since the height of the tourist season.

"You're far too nosy for your own good! Has anyone ever told you that?" Joey asked back.

"All the time! So, have you and him ...?" Abby cheekily asked, while winking at her.

"I wouldn't tell you, even if Bodie and my sister weren't withing hearing distance!".

"That's a no, then! What's stopping you?" Abby asked, as if it was the easiest question of all time to answer.

"We have to be ready first, for one thing" Joey began, before walking over to be close enough to Abby, that she could whisper to her. "We've almost gone there once, and it made everything weird between us afterwards. I wouldn't expect you to understand".

"With all of the teen TV shows and movies, little old moi has seen? Please, Joey! Like so many other things in your life, it's completely obvious to everyone else, except to you!"

"Are you insulting me? I can't tell!"

"You and Pacey have been close since you were what, six or seven years old or something like that?"

"Something like that".

"Since then, you've watched each other grow up every step of the way and I'm guessing that some of the very first sexual fantasies you had, were probably about one another, too. Isn't it kind of logical then, that with both of you having had such a long time to build up expectations for what you want it to be, that it's easier to push it off into the future, than to risk having those expectations ruined?" Abby told her in what had to be the cleverest thing, Joey had heard her say before.

"Bessie was right. You've watched way too many chick flicks!" Joey scowled.

"You know that I'm right!" Abby teasingly and triumphantly stated.

"And you've never had a boyfriend, so what do you know?" Joey fired back and it instantly made Abby look hurt.

"That's really low, Joey! Do you think it helps to be constantly reminded of how the girls I grew up with have all had at least one and I'm now left as the only one, who hasn't?" Abby accusingly asked her back and Joey immediately began feeling guilty.

"I didn't mean it like ..."

"Like how? Do you think there's something fundamentally unlikable about me and because of that, no one would ever want to date me?" Abby seriously asked and now, Joey felt like she was around of a size, where Tinkerbell would have called her tiny.

"No! It took me a long time to, but I've grown to like you and I'm far from the only one! You're, in your very own kind of way, actually very likable, once you take the time to get to know you. I wish, I'd taken the time to much sooner, than I did, but I'm glad that I have now and as for that whole love thing, it usually happens when you least expect it to, like it did for me. You'll meet the right guy or girl soon, I promise" Joey said from the heart, as Abby's frown quickly turned into a wide smile.

"That's the first time you've told me that you like me! Did you really mean it, or was that just to make me feel better?" Abby asked, now all chipper again.

"Yeah, I mean it, Abby! Jeez! Here I thought, I had a desperate need to feel loved! You aren't even playing the same game as everyone else, when it comes to that category!" Joey joked back, right before Bessie came in to help the finish up and the three of them turned to talking about more "appropriate subjects", when it comes to what an older sister should or shouldn't hear.

It wasn't like Joey didn't want to go all the way with Pacey, before she left for France, there just wouldn't be many opportunities to, for one thing. Another was if she felt ready to take that step and she still wasn't entirely sure, when it came to that part.

After himself and Dawson having taken a near all-day road trip/Christmas gift purchasing trip to Bangor on the 23rd, now that they finally had the chance to get some proper one-on-one "Bro-Time" together, they'd attended Dawson's parents' annual Christmas party in the evening. All of the past years that he could remember, this had been his dad's favorite evening of the year, where he would figuratively get his ass kissed by townspeople all evening long, while he indulged freely in whatever kind of alcohol was being served. To himself, this would also be an advantage, since his parents would be so busy talking to his dad's "admirers" that he could get away with almost anything. This was, among other things, how he'd ended up getting slightly drunk the year before, when he'd snuck his way to a few glasses of the alcoholic eggnog. Seeing his dad not even make an appearance there, was another worrying sign that his dad wasn't doing well. The day after, also needing an excuse to get out of a house, where very little was being said between himself and his mom (who was busy making Christmas dinner), he made his way down to Capeside's police station.

"Hi, Lou. Is my dad around?" Pacey asked one of the oldest members of the police force, now relegated to being a glorified receptionist, Lou Peterson, as he walked up to the front desk.

"In his office. He only comes out of it these days, if he has absolutely to" Lou told him.

"It's that bad, huh?"

"It isn't a pretty sight, especially not when you've known him for as long, as most of the people working here have. Try to cheer him up, if you can, Pacey. I don't know if anyone else could".

Not feeling encouraged to by what he'd just heard, Pacey still made his way to the door into his dad's office, that only had "Chief of Police" and nothing else written on it. He could still remember seeing it for the first time as a little kid and thinking back then, that his dad had to be the biggest hero in the entire world. The thing about heroes though, is that for as high as they fly, they also tend to fall all that harder sometimes.

"I'm busy!" Pacey heard his dad say from behind the door, when he knocked on it.

"It's me, dad. Pacey. I've stopped by to wish you merry Christmas" he said and soon, the door was opened. It didn't take him many moments to see that his dad had to be at least ten drinks deep and he quickly made his way inside, so that no one else out of the few people there working on this day, would see it too.

When he came in, he saw that his dad was doing very little to hide what he was doing, save for pulling the blinds into his office. On the table was a mostly filled ashtray, a handful of empty beer cans and a near empty bottle of the best Irish Whiskey, you could get in town. Or so, his dad had told him many times before.

"You've started the celebrations early, I see. What if you get called out tonight?" Pacey asked and it made his dad drunkenly chuckle to himself.

"The 24th is one of the slowest days of the year. It isn't until tomorrow and the day after, when people come home to find out, they've been robbed, that we have any kind of work, I have to be involved in. So, how's my youngest son doing? Did he get a single decent grade on his mid-terms?"

"A few" was all Pacey answered, since this wasn't a subject, he felt like discussing more, than he was forced to already with his teachers, siblings and mother.

"You never were much for book learning, were you, Pacey?"

"I guess not, dad".

"I suppose, I should be thankful that only one of my kids made me pay for them to go to college! Doug, I thought was smart enough, that he could have done something with his life and instead, he decided to be a jackass and try to follow in my footsteps! I can't say though, that I don't worry, when it comes to where on the social totem pole, you'll end up someday, Pacey. I'm not only talking about school either. I wasn't all that different from you, when it came to my grades and it hasn't held me back, from doing what I wanted to do with my life. However, I also know that this new computer age is a different time, than the one I grew up in and unlike you, I already knew what I wanted to do at your age. You have to understand, that without you getting an education of some kind, life could end up being tough for you. It's people who haven't and in most cases, never found out what their path in life was meant to become, that make up nearly all of our "Customer Base" down here".

"I know, dad. I'll try harder in school, I promise" Pacey practically stuttered, so moved was he by the moment.

"Do that and you'll have given me the biggest present, you could have this holiday season. Merry Christmas, Pacey" his dad said and stuck out his hand for Pacey to shake. When Pacey shook it, they both pressed firmly, like they meant it.

"Merry Christmas, dad".

This 24th of December felt to Joey like a day, that flew by in an instant. Maybe it was the thought that she wouldn't be around her family all that much for the next half a year and change, but she found herself enjoying them even more than she usually did on this day. Just doing little things like singing Alexander to sleep or helping Bodie out in the kitchen filled her with a sense of inner peace, that she was doing something that she knew, in stark comparison to all of the "unknowns" that soon awaited her, when she arrived in the country of Napoleon, the Tour de France and a culture, that in some ways would be vastly different than what she'd grown up with. Even if they hadn't every year had the money to buy big presents for one another, it was like there was an extra amount of love that always filled their small house during these days and shamelessly, she was taking it all it as much as she could.

After their Christmas dinner, which since it was cooked by Bodie was nothing short of top notch, she'd made plans to meet up with Pacey down at "Screen Time" and get some private time with him, that they couldn't find anywhere else on those days. She felt a little bad too, that she hadn't been able to spend more time with him, now that the days were counting down fast to her departure from the States and throughout the day, a by her commonly thought question went through her mind. To have sex or not to have sex with him, that was the question.

When she made her way down there, he was already waiting outside of the store with a huge smile for her, as she walked up to him.

"You finally found five minutes to spend with your boyfriend, huh?" he asked teasingly, before giving her a kiss that by itself was enough, that she didn't need to get any more presents from him.

"How was Christmas at your mom's house?" she asked him, this time remembering to call it his mom's house and not his parent's house, something she was still getting used to.

"As you'd expect. The food wasn't too bad, but it wasn't like anyone was in the mood to celebrate this year. Hopefully, it'll get better next year, when we all have this whole divorce thing further in the rear-view mirror. Yours?"

"Nothing to complain about. Everyone there wishes you a merry Christmas, by the way".

"Tell them, that I say thanks. Shall we?" he asked smilingly, as he opened the door to let her inside.

Seeing as they didn't have anything else planned, they instantly made their way to the back room, where he'd already set up a makeshift bed for them.

"I know that it isn't exactly the Hilton, but it's all I could afford" he quipped, after they'd laid down next to each other on a soft pile of employee t-shirts.

"You know that I don't care, as long as we're together, Pacey. So ... remember the last time, we were in here like this?" she cheekily asked him, and it brought a smile to both of their faces, to think back on it.

"It's kind of hard to forget! I just wish that we'd been better at dealing with it afterwards, than we were".

"Yeah, that wasn't our finest moment, was it?" she asked rhetorically.

"Not exactly, no. Look, Joey, it isn't like I'm expecting a repeat performance of that evening or anything like that. As long as I'm with you, we could be doing anything, and I'd still be having a blast. I hope that you know that".

"Even ... whitewater rafting?"

"I'd most likely be holding onto that raft for dear life, but if you were enjoying it, I would too. Is that what you call love, you think?"

"Sounds like it to me. I love you too, Pacey".

"You're not only saying it?"

"Pacey, when I think back to before that evening where you kissed me for the first time, it's almost like it's something that happened to someone else. Every day since, you've continued to prove to me, that I made the perfect decision when I kissed you back. More importantly, you've been infinitely patient with me and whether I'm feeling happy or sad, you always make my days better. If you really want to, then we can go all the way tonight. You deserve that much, just for how amazing you've been with a "Special Case" like me" she shyly told him, although she still wasn't sure in her heart, if she was actually ready to.

"I don't want it just to be something, that we do for my sake, it should be for both of our sakes! If you don't feel ready, I'd hate myself for thinking that I'd made you have sex with me or do anything, for that matter, that you aren't entirely comfortable with. This isn't my relationship, it's ours, remember?" he told her softly and him doing so, only made the primal urges inside of her grow to close to unbearable levels.

"Maybe, I am ready, and I won't find out for sure, until I've tried it".

"Maybe, I'm not. Have you ever considered that? Sure, I tried some stuff with Tamara and sex fills my mind a lot. If it hadn't at this age we are now, I'd suspect that there was something wrong with me, but it's still a big step for a guy too, to go from thinking about it to actually doing it. When it happens for us, like I'm absolutely sure that it will someday in our future, it'll be thanks to both of us feeling ready and we've gone through lots of little steps along the way, to get us to that point".

Seconds later, they began sharing a kiss that soon erased all thoughts of France and all of the problems, that came with moving over there, from Joey's mind. A few new things were tried that evening too, things that she knew, she would be thinking back on many times in the months to come where they'd be apart, but as for them going all the way, it wasn't even close to it.

She could wait, though, it wasn't that. After they'd said their goodbyes and she began making her way home, a new feeling slowly began to make it's way through both her body and mind. A feeling of adventurousness for what was to come.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY