A/N: Thanks for the patience, everyone. I'm having medical problems so please continue to bear with me. Follow my Tumblr (same name) if you want random story stuff between chapters.
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EINUNDACHTZIG
TIMELINE X + N + 1
Homura woke slowly. A pleasant dreaminess lingered; it was probably the only reason she didn't react violently when she realized that she was not in her chair and someone was holding her hand. At first, anyway; her memory drifted back to her and she felt like her body was bound and she jolted in place with a gasp- had to escape-!
"Hey, hey, hey, heyyy," Isshin's voice said gently off to her right. Very close. Warm hand squeezed hers.
Other hand wrapped around her Soul Gem hand, but didn't touch her Soul Gem. Ichigo's voice, hoarse. "You're safe. We've gotcha."
Twin sounds of sleepy inquiry near her feet. She realized she was in a bed and the "bindings" were bedsheets. How? Last thing she remembered was-
" I... I don't want... to become a Witch."
Homura's breath hitched and she choked on a sob.
"Shhhhh shhh shhh shhh shhhhhhhhhhhh," Isshin hushed soothingly. Fingers lightly brushed her hair away from her face like her father's once had whenever she became distraught in yet another hospital bed before yet another test, yet another procedure, yet more tubes, yet more pain, yet more strangers wandering into her room at all hours. The familiarity made tears well up in her eyes, though she couldn't tell if it was relief or grief.
"I'sh'wake?" Karin slurred.
Homura opened her eyes, finally near full consciousness from the force of her anxiety. The room was dim, but she could see her surroundings clearly. The magic around her told her she was surrounded by the Kurosaki family. Karin and Yuzu must have been curled up at the end of the bed on either side of her legs and Isshin and Ichigo were seated on either side of her. Her anxiety eased once she recognized the feeling of being in a fortress of moonlight and embers with the company of the difficult-to-describe warm lights of the twins. It calmed her enough to think.
She had been caught in her worst memory and begun to sink into despair. Madoka's magic had... tried to buoy her- she thought?- but had been dragged down with her and become an anchor in the worst way. They had been drowning in each other's magic and despair. Then... Ichigo's magic had... had...it was like he had thrust arms radiating warm moonlight down into the black water, grabbed both their wrists, and hauled them back up toward the surface just before Homura... passed out?
Homura blurted, "Thank. You."
"Huh?"
Homura turned in bed, tugged her hand out of Isshin's and reached for Ichigo. "Thank. You."
"What for?" Ichigo asked, face innocently clueless as she grasped his other hand.
Her mouth worked silently as a lot of possible responses fought for precedence. Things like How did you do that? and What were you thinking?! Something like you dummy! was a surprisingly strong one. An exasperated Nii-san! almost made it to her lips but she balked at the last moment. Dizzy. The words that finally fell out of her mouth were, "You saved us!"
"I- I dunno about that," Ichigo protested doubtfully.
"I- I was- pulling Madoka down with- with m-" Homura interrupted herself with a gasp and bolted upright. "Madoka!"
Isshin blocked her and gently held her shoulders still, then pushed her back toward the bed. "Madoka is safe. She's okay. The feedback loop was broken."
Homura shook her head in defiance and pushed forward. "I hurt her, I hurt her, I hur-!"
Ichigo wrapped a hand around her bicep and tugged back. "Nope, nope, nope."
Karin stubbornly crawled up her side of the bed and tackled Homura back onto the pillow like when she had stopped Homura from getting up when the Kurosaki men were doing their morning ritual at home. Yuzu shoved Isshin's arm away and flopped on Homura's other side a moment later as Homura squawked and flailed.
"If you think Ichi-nii saved, you, then obviously he saved Madoka, too," Karin chided.
Yuzu wrapped her arms around Homura's and had an audible pout in her voice when she added, "Onii-chan wouldn't save you and not her."
"Homura. Stop," Isshin said. "Breathe. Reach out with your rei- magic. You should be able to sense her."
Yes. Yes. She knew how to do that. So she closed her eyes, breathed, struggled to order her thoughts. In the distance, sleepy sunshine. Peaceful. Not reeling in despairing madness.
All the tension in Homura's body released at once. Isshin and Ichigo relaxed. The twins cuddled closer.
"See?" Karin said. "If she was in danger, Ichi-nii would be off kicking someone's ass on your behalf."
"Damn straight," Ichigo said firmly.
Weak laughter bubbled up from Homura's chest. Yes. That was true. She settled and really looked around the room. "How did I get he-?" Her question was cut off by an unexpected yawn. Now that she wasn't keyed up, she was tired.
"Uh," Ichigo said bashfully.
"Heh. Ichi-nii hauled you down here in a princess carry like a damsel in distress when everything went to Hell," Karin explained. "He came to when you two got slept and-"
"Came to?" Homura interrupted, worried. She looked Ichigo up and down. "Did I hurt y-?!"
"No," Ichigo said sharply, face in a disapproving scowl. "It was my own fault. I did something dumb." His face softened. "We... really need to talk about it."
Now she was extremely worried again. "What- what happened?"
"What do you remember, Homura?" Isshin asked.
Homura closed her eyes and leaned back into the pillow. Yuzu started playing with her hair. Soothing. She thought back. "Madoka's father asked if she has died before. I said yes. Then..." Memories of grief rose up, but she stuffed them back into their figurative box and stored them away again with a long-practiced routine, trying to pretend it was like nothing more than putting away heavy winter clothes in spring. "How...? That memory doesn't usually... I learned how to..." Dull it. Suppress it. Avoid, deaden, detach from it. Numb the pain to tolerable levels so she wouldn't- wouldn't- break down.
Or worse.
She was... tired.
"What memory?" Isshin asked warily. What an odd tone.
Homura's heart ached. She hadn't gotten all of it stuffed into that box. "The time Madoka and I survived Walpurgisnacht but nearly turned."
Isshin tiredly rubbed his face. "Do you remember anything else? After that? Anything different?"
Homura frowned. "It was like... drowning," she said slowly. "It was like... I was at the edge of becoming a Witch again, like just before Ma- that Madoka purified my Soul Gem. But... over and over and over." She allowed her eyelids to fall closed and her voice to drift. "Madoka's magic... was like then, too. But... not? We were drowning in it... dying in it... until Nii-san... pulled us apart...? No. Pulled us... up?" The family went still and silent around her, nearly breathless. How odd. Homura opened her eyes to look at them but they drifted shut again before she could focus. "Ichigo's magic... was... warm. And bright. Like... the moon..."
She was surrounded by it even now, like an invisible cocoon of comfortable safety. It made her feel so safe that she could sleep for days without fear of attack. Drifting, drifting, in an open boat floating along a gentle current as pale silver-blue flames of moonlight shimmered on the wa-
"No, that's not water... that's... glass," Homura murmured sleepily.
"What's glass?" Isshin's voice asked softly.
Fingers smoothing her bangs again, tucking hair behind her ear. Nice. "The... star water," she explained. Why was her voice so faint? "Burns. But the fire's... not stars. It's... moon. The... fire is... moon... is... fire... is... moon."
So sleepy.
"Uh... sounds kinda scary," Ichigo said with an audible cringe. "Sorry."
"No, no." Homura struggled to open her eyes and protest, tried to rise up but just rocked her head and shoulders in denial. So heavy. "Pretty. It's..." Dazzling. Beautiful. Iridescent. Why couldn't she show him? How did he not know? "Spar... kles. Don't... you know? It's... your..."
Everything blurred pleasantly into what Homura realized was a dream. Memory. Memory of a dream? Dream of a memory? Laying on her back in a low, flat-bottomed boat and stargazing as she basked in moonlight warm as sunlight, drunk on the heady scent of roses and waterlilies. It was like a single instant held still forever, both ethereal and grounded at once. A summer night crystallized in her memory. Set aside-apart-within to be cherished forever.
Summer night. Summertime. When had she last lived summer? She hadn't seen summer since... before everything. Before everyone.
Before Madoka.
"I want to see summer with-"
Homura stopped and just stared and breathed. Stared at stars that were themselves distant suns. Wanted to-
"Not yet."
Ah.
Dreams would suffice for now.
Homura's body moved like it was always meant to in this dream. So light and graceful. She stood and danced en pointe with the moon as her spotlight on a stage of shimmering stars. Turned, turned, turned counterclockwise and gathered the roses from the river-stage into a bouquet and inhaled deeply, deeply, deeply.
§ x § x §
Ichigo stared at Homura as her sleepy babble quieted and she slipped back into sleep. He wasn't sure how he felt about Old Man Zangetsu's fascination with what she had described.
"What the hell was that?" Karin asked.
"I wonder," Dad muttered. He sighed and moved for the door. "Get yourselves some more rest, kids. I'll go check on everyone and come back in a bit."
Yuzu and Karin settled in at Homura's side and fell asleep. Ichigo sat in a chair and tried to relax. His head still felt weird and he was still... kinda detached from his body. Disoriented, though the pain was nearly gone. He could think clearly, at least.
Good, his Hollow barked irritably. Getcher ass in here.
Ichigo would've sent him the mental sense of a rude hand gesture if Old Man Zangetsu didn't immediately second the request. Instead, Ichigo settled back into a chair and slipped into the meditation that allowed him access to his Inner World without the jarring sense of getting yanked in by his spirits.
The sky in his sideways city was overcast, a heavy blue-gray that threatened rain. That alone was probably enough to make the Hollow pissy, but the white spirit was ignoring it.
"Look what ya did to my windows!" the Hollow screeched.
Ichigo looked down. A large circle had been scoured into the surface of the glass side of the skyscraper at the center of his Inner World. It was like someone had taken a circular power sander and let it gouge out a wide area with the Old Man's flagpole at its center. There was a sparkling heap of glass powder at the base of the pole.
"Calm yourself," the Old Man said.
"Fuck you," the Hollow sneered. He pointed up and down the length of the flagpole. "Your perch is just fine you giant fucking crow. Mine is fucked! Look at this!" He threw himself to his knees and slammed a hand on the rough surface. "Fuckin' look at this!" Slam slam slam slam slam.
Ichigo stared. His Hollow was throwing a temper tantrum over scratched glass. What.
"The FUCK'm I supposed to do with thi- SON OF A BITCH!" the Hollow snarled as blue blood smeared on the glass from the cuts he gave himself.
Ichigo looked up at the Old Man. "What happened here?"
"You were a dumbass is what happened!" the Hollow answered hotly before the Old Man could.
"You weren't exactly helpful yourself!" Ichigo snapped.
"I warned you!"
"Calling me an idiot isn't a warning!"
"It was a warning to stop being an idiot!"
"Be more specific next time, you ass! WAIT, you said yourself that you didn't know how to leave!"
The Old Man sighed deeply.
Ichigo and the Hollow flinched and went quiet. Ichigo felt childish. The Hollow sulked.
"You should tell Kisuke Urahara about this," the Old Man said solemnly.
"What even is this?" Ichigo asked.
"Tch. When your dumb ass butted in, we got a tornado in 'ere," the Hollow answered sullenly. "With a shitload of sand and flowers like stuck-up noble ass." Byakuya. "Purple fuckin' sand. A giant fuckin' purple 'n pink dust-devil. And it did this!" he shouted and jabbed a finger to point at the windows.
"Is this... bad?" Ichigo asked the Old Man.
"Not particularly," he replied. "We simply refrained from repairs until you could see this. We can mend it fairly easily, but I believe it is an effect Kisuke Urahara may find enlightening. Leaving it intact may prove useful."
"Yeah, thanks," Ichigo muttered. He paced around the circle's edge, eyeing the gouge. "Is there a pattern in it?"
"Faintly," the Old Man confirmed. Then he tilted his head as though listening. "I believe your father has returned. We can finish this discussion later."
"Yeah, yeah, thanks for telling me," Ichigo said gratefully with a small wave at him. "Sorry about this."
"Think before shoving your hand in a wood-chipper next time!" the Hollow sneered.
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "You're really not one to talk there. If you saw the blades of a wood-chipper, you'd wanna fight it."
"Tch. Get the fuck outta here."
"That wasn't a denial."
"Get the fuck outta here."
With that, his Hollow booted him out into the real world.
§ x § x §
The next time Homura woke, she felt as though she had a century of rest behind her. It had been a very long time since she felt such peace and safety. Her memory of the first time she woke was glossed over in a dreamy blur, but she remembered... enough.
The Kurosaki family had huddled around her to give her comfort. Homura still sensed them; she pulled herself up to full consciousness and scanned the room from beneath lowered lashes. Karin and Yuzu still bracketed her on either side of the bed, but Karin was snoring in her ear now and Yuzu was murmuring wordlessly in her sleep. Isshin was slumped in a chair, head craned back and snoring at the ceiling. A faint smile tugged at Homura's lips. Her eyes drifted and finally found Ichigo. He was pacing as though agitated but his magic felt... nervous? Homura turned her head as much as she could without smothering herself in Yuzu's loosed hair, intending to watch Ichigo and figure him out.
Her movement must have caught his eye; he startled, missed a step, and jerked his head around to face her directly. A relieved smile softened his face and he stepped over to the bed. "Hey, Stopwatch," he croaked.
"Ichi... go," Homura murmured as he leaned over her and the twins. She still felt pleasantly dreamy. Looking up at him surrounded by a faint nimbus from some light source behind him, Homura saw his hair and thought of the orange light of sunset filtering through a field of ripe barley. She had seen that once when she was small, on a long train ride with her parents that passed through farmland on the way to a distant medical center. Barley and wheat and rice and soy stretching to the horizon in every direction as she rested against her mother while her father identified the things rushing past the window to distract her from the pain in her chest. Peace settled over her at the memory.
Ichigo grinned at her. "You look a bit more with it this time," he said just above a whisper. "How you feel?"
"Better," Homura admitted quietly.
"Sounded like you started dreaming before you were all the way out," he said with a crooked smirk. "Was it a good one?"
"Yes," she replied. Homura gazed at the ceiling and felt something like disappointed homesickness at the matte shadows. "Ah. I want to... stargaze," she murmured. "Especially if you want to talk about... things."
"Oh, uh, you remember I said that, huh?" Ichigo asked.
Homura hummed confirmation and said, "I suppose the stars are not visible outside, anyway, though." Then she shifted a bit and pitched her voice louder. "You are all terrible at feigning sleep."
Isshin choked on a laugh that devolved into a coughing fit. Yuzu and Karin made disappointed sounds. Ichigo's laughter was bright and warm.
"How'd'ja tell?" Karin slurred, not quite awake.
"You all went still and quiet," Homura explained. "It is unnatural. You are all noisy and active sleepers."
Karin dropped her head on Homura's shoulder and made a rude noise. Yuzu sat up with a dismayed cry and said, "Even me?"
"You mumble," Homura said.
"What have I been telling you since we learned words?" Karin mocked. The effect was ruined by the fact it was spoken... pretty much into Homura's armpit.
Homura rolled her shoulder and tried to shove Karin away. "If you drool on me, I will shoot every soccer ball you own."
"Hey!"
"Nah, Homura," Ichigo teased. "It's the cleats you need to threaten."
Karin launched up and reeled to face him, then jabbed a finger his way and screeched, "Traitor!"
Ichigo gave her an exaggerated evil laugh while Yuzu giggled and Isshin guffawed. Homura found herself smiling. She was getting used to this. It felt like home. After basking in it for a moment, she stretched, took a deep breath, and said, "You wanted to talk?"
Somehow, the prospect wasn't anathema. It surprised even her that she wasn't retreating into a fortress. But she felt safe.
Ichigo opened his mouth but Isshin loudly interrupted, "How about I get you something first? Are you thirsty? Hungry?" It felt stilted. Awkward.
Homura frowned in confusion for a moment then said, "Water, please," and let him hurry away.
They all stared at the doorway; Sado and Ishida peered in around either side of the jamb in curiosity. Ichigo absently waved them off and muttered, "God he sucks at subtlety."
Karin snorted and said, "Like you don't."
"Hey, I have my moments," Ichigo objected good-naturedly as he slung himself into a chair.
"He knows I speak more freely with the three of you than with him, doesn't he?" Homura wondered aloud.
Yuzu smiled confirmation. "He's giving you a chance to tell us to banish him in case you're too polite-"
"Or proud," Karin muttered.
"-To say it to his face," Yuzu finished with a warning smile at her twin.
Homura sighed and reflected on the disaster in the dining room. She thought of how Madoka's parents had been so anxious for their daughter- and how Isshin's face had been set in the same expression when Homura first woke. She wasn't jealous of Madoka, per se, but... somehow, she wanted something similar. And Isshin was similar. Ish. He was even willing and able to stand up to Urahara when the scientist pressed too hard- and considering what Homura remembered of the scene, he was probably going to be pushing an avalanche of questions onto her. Isshin would step in even though Urahara was his friend. Homura felt strangely safe around the man, now. He had his own interests- especially where his children were involved- but she trusted him to also have her best interests in mi-
It suddenly dawned on Homura that Isshin Kurosaki freely gave her what she had desperately wanted from her flesh-and-blood uncle, once upon a time.
Well, not necessarily the... eccentricity. Or his drama or loudness or ...manners. Isshin could be awkward and childish, had a reputation among his children as hiding things and having questionable judgment- though less often now than he once had, Karin had admitted. In many ways, he was a walking collection of parental flaws.
But he tried.
He tried more than any adult had since Homura's parents died.
She wasn't his blood kin but he had given her more support and concern in a total of... was it six weeks now, counting the last timeline? Whatever. He had shown her more support and concern in these brief weeks than her blood relative had in the... was it two years in real time since her parents died? Three? Whatever. The contrast was drastic.
Homura wasn't interested in replacing her father, but Isshin Kurosaki was- she could let him be- replace her un-
"He may stay," Homura said softly.
Ichigo's brows rose. "You sure, Stopwatch?"
"Yes," Homura said decisively as she sat up, moved her pillow, and scooted back to lean against the headboard. The twins immediately copied her, their shoulders lightly touching hers. It was comfortably grounding. Homura reached down to adjust her skirt and belatedly realized that she must have dropped her transformation when she dropped the stop upon sedation. She thought. She hadn't exactly been coherent or even seeing "reality" at the time but remembered fingers on her temples and the chaotic gloom smoothing into... dark flowers? Odd. Wait, there had been strong hands on her... shoulder...? and on her waist. Before or after? What had even happened?
"Yo. Yo~oh~," Karin sang beyond the hand waving in her face.
Homura blinked back to reality and swatted the hand away. "Yes, yes, I'm fine. Just thinking."
"Knock knock!" Isshin called from the door with nervous cheer. "Can I come in?"
"Yes, please do," Homura called in return before Ichigo could do more than open his mouth.
Isshin peeked in with a face like a hopeful puppy, then hurried inside. He clumsily clutched a stack of drinking glasses against his chest with one hand and somehow managed to carry two big jugs of water around by their necks in his other hand. It looked painful.
"Ichigo, take them before my fingers break!" Isshin tearfully fake-begged as he struggled to not drop anything.
Smirking, Ichigo lazily reached up and grabbed the tower of cups, leaving his father's other hand in a strained claw around the bottlenecks.
Isshin made a show of looking betrayed, threw his head back to beseech the gods through the ceiling, and bawled, "MA-SA-KIII!" His next words stalled all their long-suffering sighs. "THE KIDS ARE IN A PLAYFUL MOOD! DADDY IS SO HAPPY!"
Ichigo scoff-laughed and took a jug from his father. Homura's lips quirked into a little smile. Isshin noticed and looked like he was basking in glory. Homura's cheeks warmed in... not exactly embarrassment, but she wasn't sure what.
Soon they were settled around Homura, all sipping water and glancing around to see who would begin. Ichigo kept fiddling with a notebook in his lap; the way the others stole furtive looks at it made Homura curious. Ichigo noticed her stare and looked... sheepish? But before Homura could ask, Isshin took a deep breath and began their... meeting?
"So. Do you understand that you got into a magical empathic feedback loop with Madoka?" Homura looked him in the eye and nodded solemnly. Isshin continued. "What do you remember about what was happening? Around you?"
Homura hummed in thought and said, "Not very much. I was... flashing back to... my worst memory... and did not notice much. Yelling, Ichigo's voice saying... something... hands pulling on me, then... dark flowers? That made me... sleepy." She frowned, then added, "Ah. And Ichigo's magic saving us."
"How so?" Isshin asked.
Homura bit her cheek, racked her brain for words, and said, "It is very difficult to put in words. Like... Madoka and I were tied to the same cinderblock in... a rough ocean. And Ichigo... tried to pull us both up, then... tried to break the block, or pull the block up by our ropes so we could go up. Toward air. Not literally, but... in feelings." She stared at the ceiling, unfocused as she remembered the chaos. "I think... we were almost there, when the flowers- the sleep spell?- happened." Homura pursed her lips. "Or... no. Yes...? Yes, almost. But then... I think he sank with us when we got sleepy. Like the spell caught him, too. Ah!" Startled by memory, she looked at Ichigo. "You... somebody said you... lost consciousness?"
Ichigo cringed outwardly the way Homura did internally. "Yeah. Kinda."
"How did that happen?" Homura asked worriedly.
Isshin sighed tiredly. "He tried to interrupt the loop, was sloppy about it-"
"H-hey," Ichigo stammered, cheeks going pink.
"-And got himself... tangled. We think."
When Homura looked at Ichigo directly, he went fully red and started babbling. "Hey, I was right there and couldn't just- just do nothing. Not with both of you glowing like little pink and purple light bulbs and crying and- and- grief just, like-" he waved his hands- "splashing around like that!"
Homura's own cheeks burned- she did not remember crying- but she drew up short and asked, "Splashing... grief?"
"It was wild," Karin said beside her. "I was down the table a ways so I just felt super sad but some of the people who were at your end of the table..." She looked spooked and trailed off with a glance Ichigo's way.
Ichigo took the obvious cue and said, "Remembered... things."
Homura felt the blood draining from her face, blush lost. "Things?"
"I dunno about the others but... I had flashbacks to the war," Ichigo explained. "And... Ginjo stealing my Fullbring. And... the night Mom died."
Homura's stomach rolled and her mouth went dry. A faded memory of the morning a police officer, the family lawyer, and a social worker walked into her hospital room with somber faces the morning after- The Fire- rose in her mind. And Ichigo had actually been present when his own mother died. She felt sick for making him relive that. "I'm- I'm so sorry!"
"Don't be," Ichigo ordered stubbornly. "Zangetsu thinks the entire problem is our fault. As a group. Us from Karakura, I mean. We took too long to start training with Madoka then didn't give her something to absorb or control the extra power we woke up. We poked her... magic... with a sharp stick and got too distracted to help her... lock it back down. Leash it. Whatever. Zangetsu's opinion is that it was only a matter of time before Madoka stumbled into another feedback loop like with Sayaka, but with a... negative emotion." Ichigo gave her a weak smile and added, "He also pointed out... well, at least it wasn't rage or bloodlust that she picked up on?"
There was a terrifying thought. One that broke Homura's brain. Madoka and bloodlust didn't belong in the same sentence.
"Kisuke's gonna go over options with Madoka and her parents when she wakes up," Isshin said. "To keep this from happening again."
"She is still unconscious?" Homura demanded with renewed worry.
"Last I checked, yeah," Isshin answered. "But she's stable and definitely sleeping, not unconscious. Tessai's staying with her just in case, though."
Homura took a deep breath, released it slowly, and forced tense muscles to relax. Okay. Okay.
After a minute of quiet, Ichigo cleared his throat. When Homura looked his way, he said, "So. Strong emotion. Worst memories. About that."
Homura frowned warily. He sounded... on edge. "Yes?"
His eyes met hers and cut away in discomfort before looking at her again. "Something... else happened. Something weird."
She stared at him and waited. He squirmed under her gaze like a guilty little boy. Homura's worry ramped up several degrees again. "What? What happened?"
Ichigo wet his lips and visibly steeled himself. "I'll... give a short description. Then you can tell me if you wanna kick the others out while I finish. Okay?"
Between his words and his death grip on the notebook, Homura was starting to think she wanted to kick herself out and not hear what he had to say. But that would just come back to haunt her like when any of the others ran off to avoid the truth. She had to listen. "All... right...?"
He breathed out slowly and solemnly said, "I... didn't just see my own memories. I saw... the one you say you saw. I think. That would be my worst memory if it happened to me, so..."
Homura's thought process shut down. Too stunned to think. For an eternity. Eventually, she managed a faint, "What?"
"I saw... you and Madoka," Ichigo said gently. "From the point where you were laying there talking through... when you...," he paused, careful with phrasing. "...Did what was asked of you."
No.
Spinning spinning spinning-
Her empty cup fell from suddenly limp hands.
No way.
Spinning spinning spinning spinning spinning-
Ichigo paused to look at her. Whatever he saw made him cringe. "Sandal-Hat wanted to know what I saw and heard but I said I wouldn't say anything to anyone until- unless you gave me permission. I'm not- I'm not gonna blab something I had no right to see in the first place."
All Homura could do was stare mutely at the pained regret on his face.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no-
Yuzu's hand slipped into hers. "Would you like to talk to Onii-chan in private, Homura?"
Homura's first coherent thought was how considerate. Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Yeah," Karin said. "We can stay or go, whichever you want."
Every Kurosaki was looking at her so earnestly. Tears spilled down Homura's cheeks as she stared at each of them in turn. They were alarmed by her tears, but didn't tell her to stop. To not cry. She met Ichigo's worried gaze and asked, "You saw... what I did? To- to Ma-?" She couldn't finish the sentence- the name.
" I... I don't want... to become a Witch."
Rain on her face sparking black shaking shaking shaking gun—
He nodded, first hesitant then firm.
Homura closed her eyes and pressed her mouth shut on her lip so tightly it hurt and her tongue registered the metallic tang of blood.
Ichigo had witnessed her cardinal sin.
She had spoken of it briefly, before... When? Definitely in the last timeline, but had they mentioned it this time? Homura was too upset to remember clearly. But mentioning it in words and having someone impor- having someone see it were two very different things. She had shot her best friend in cold blood.
"Yeah. And I heard how she asked you. It'd be... hard to argue against that. Really it... wasn't really fair to ask those things. Of you, I mean. But... you did what you had to." What was he talking about?
"You don't hate me?" Homura's stupid mouth asked in an embarrassing squeak.
She couldn't see the girls' faces, but both men's fell into sympathy. Ichigo emphatically shook his head no and said, "No way. That was- that was brave. Of you." He dragged his hand down his face and added, "I mean, logically, it was the only way you had to spare her... that. You did something for your friend that I... I don't know if I could do it for one of my friends." Why did he look ashamed of that? "The- the thing at the end, I mean," he clarified unnecessarily in a flustered rush, waving his hands. "I'd absolutely time travel as many times as it took to save them. But... the mercy she asked of you after that promise was... cruel. To you."
Homura shook her head in denial. "No. No, it wasn't. Madoka isn't- isn't- cruel-"
"Cruel may be... the wrong word. It sounds like she was... desperate?" Isshin hazarded with an uncertain glance at his son. When Ichigo nodded, Isshin said, "People can do and say very... out of character... things when they are desperate."
"If not cruel, then at least selfish," Ichigo amended. Isshin frowned and opened his mouth to interrupt and Homura furiously opened her mouth to argue but Ichigo plowed on regardless. "Not that I can fault her for it. I- I'd probably b-beg for the s-same thing, myself. Especially if I was... fourteen. But... it was still horrifying that she asked you."
"Ichigo," Isshin warned.
"Ah, wait- it was a horrifying thing to be asked," Ichigo amended. "Not that she's- not a judgment against Madoka, I mean. Just... horrifying in general. For you."
Homura kept shaking her head, exaggerating the movement until her upper body swayed with each turn.
No. No.
The twins squeezed her shoulders and hands.
No.
"It- was- f-fine," Homura grit out. "It was- my- anyway- my faul- Madoka did-n't- didn't- did-n't-"
Ichigo hesitated, then slowly spoke as if each word might trip a bomb. "Even... last time, even K-arin... did it... herself."
Despite Homura's best effort, a sob rose from her gut and escaped her mouth- almost like vomiting. She yanked her hands from the sisters and covered her face. She didn't want to think, but couldn't help doing so.
She didn't want to think about her initial hurt anger at the first Karin's frozen look of pleading for complicity in her suicide. She hadn't told anyone about it. Never ever ever would.
Still...
The other girls had all destroyed their own Soul Gems in various ways.
Except for Madoka.
"It- was- fine. It- was- fine. I- didn't s-stop her- did-n't-pro-tect-her-e-nough, so I had to- I failed, so I had to- had to- had to-"
Homura didn't want to think about that and didn't want to think about the stash of big slip-joint pliers she had impulsively shoved into her shield to give out if anyone else ever asked for the same release from her misery and inevitable fate. Didn't want to think about how a past Sayaka had given her that idea.
By example.
Didn't want to think about how close she had come to shooting Sayaka's Soul Gem... was it one or two timelines ago? Didn't want to revisit whether she had been bluffing or serious when that Kyōko had stopped her. Didn't want to think of her satisfaction shooting the Sōju sisters' Soul Gems, how she had cold-bloodedly anticipated it beforehand and now was determined to do it again and again and again as many times as she had to.
Didn't want to think about... didn't want to think. Didn't want to grasp all the conflicting feelings.
"It's not fair," Ichigo growled through teeth clenched in obvious frustration. "Every time I think I understand how unfair this all is to you, I—" He cut himself off, seemingly at a loss for words. After a minute, he bit down on his knuckle before saying, "But, like... do you understand that you can hate all of it- hate what desperate things you've been cornered into- do you understand that you can hate what Madoka asked you to do without hating Madoka? Or... yourself, for doing it?"
Homura peeked at him above her hands. His face was pinched in a scowl of concerned puzzlement. His frown deepened as he scrutinized her.
"You don't, do you?" Isshin asked heavily.
Homura glanced his way and found him watching her as intently as his son. The man's face bore an expression of tired, pained sympathy.
Didn't want to think. Didn't want to feel.
But she... still felt safe.
Homura hesitated before cautiously admitting, "I... don't. Do not know. I mean, I am... not sure. It's... complicated."
Isshin gave her a ghost of a smile. "I would think so." He pursed his lips and seemed to debate himself over something as Karin and Yuzu cuddled and comforted her. "I think Ichigo has it a bit wrong- worded it wrong," he finally said. "But... I don't want to say definitively, not knowing..." He trailed off, then gently asked, "Would you be all right with Ichigo telling us what he saw? Then we can talk about it together. As-" His voice stopped even though his mouth shaped a word. As though he dare not cross some invisible line. But the word his lips formed was obvious.
Family.
Homura didn't want to think or feel. Feeling was just... always too much. It was agonizing. But.
Something made her look at her Soul Gem ring. She was reeling in anguish, but... the Gem hadn't dimmed.
What?
She stared at it and tried to center herself. Tried to think. Even though she really really really didn't want to.
She... somehow, she still felt safe.
Homura drew herself upright, pressed herself against the headrest with a straight spine, and inclined her chin as she inhaled deeply. Eyes closed. The world trembled in the balance like a single thread of silk suspending the blade of a guillotine as she breathed, hesitated, breathed-
"All right," she rasped. "But..." Homura tilted her head toward the hall, eyes still closed.
"Oy! Chad!" Ichigo barked. "Get the door, yeah?"
The door clicked shut. Silence.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Isshin asked gravely.
"Yes," Homura whispered.
Karin leaned into her and wrapped her arms Homura's waist. Her head lightly bumped into Homura's and stayed there. Yuzu let go of her arm and shifted; with her eyes shut, it took Homura a moment to realize the girl was partitioning hair for braiding.
Was it... really that obvious how comforting it was for Homura to have someone weaving her hair?
Homura kept her eyes shut and listened to Ichigo read what he had written and felt the even rhythm of Karin's breath and tried to figure out just how many strands Yuzu was plaiting into what shape. Ichigo's voice faltered as he went on, stumbled over wording, completely stopped and was replaced by the scratching of a pen as he found something inadequate, rewrote, and resumed talking.
"Then Homura did what Madoka asked... and I was back at the table," he finished eons later.
Silence.
Karin's shoulders shook and her grip on Homura tightened. Yuzu sniffled and let go of Homura's hair to throw her arms into an embrace that mirrored Karin's.
"Homura," Isshin said softly.
Homura kept quiet and focused on breathing evenly.
His magic moved closer. Rough fingertips carded through her bangs, combed her hair away from her face, paused at her temple.
Homura kept quiet and focused on breathing evenly.
"Homura," Isshin said more firmly, right in front of her. His fingertips tapped against her temple. "Look at me."
Homura blinked the tears off her lashes and looked up. Brown eyes like Ichigo's peered into hers as though searching for something; unlike Ichigo's, they were lined with stress and age. Isshin wiped tears from her cheeks with his knuckles and looked at a loss for words. It... did something to her, made her gaze skitter away from his and toward Ichigo.
Ichigo looked devastated. Haunted.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," Homura murmured.
"I'm sorry you had to live that," Ichigo rasped.
They stared at each other.
Isshin's hand was suddenly on the crown of her head, ruffling her hair before settling. The weight was reassuring.
"I'm proud of you."
Homura threw her head back to look up at him, wild-eyed with disbelief.
Isshin smiled. His watery eyes crinkled with it, deepening his crow's feet. "I'm proud of you," he repeated in a croak. "That was probably the most difficult thing anyone ever has or ever will ask you to do. And you helped her."
"I killed her!" Homura cried. "That's nothing to be p-!"
"Yes. Yes, it is," Isshin interrupted with a weak tap of a hand-chop to her crown. He inhaled deeply and continued, "I say this as someone who had family who was... mercy-killed."
Homura froze and looked at him in bafflement. What?
"Oh," Ichigo said. "That guy- the lieutenant. Kai-something?"
"Ichi-nii, can you at least remember family names?" Karin asked drily.
"I never met the guy!" Ichigo squawked.
"Neither did I and I know his name's Kaien," Karin retorted.
Isshin ignored his bickering kids and kept his eyes locked on Homura's. "Kaien Shiba was the lieutenant of Thirteenth Division before Rukia. He was also my cousin. Several decades ago, he went on a mission that went bad. His zanpakutō was destroyed and he was possessed by a Hollow. The Hollow used his body to attack Captain Ukitake and Rukia, who was an unranked soldier at the time. Rukia was the one who ended up... delivering the finishing blow." Isshin paused, considered his words and heavily continued, "I was a third seat at the time. Different division, but an officer. Captain Ukitake came to me and explained the situation before... the funeral. The Hollow had said it would eat Kaien from the inside out over the course of the night. It would've been... a slow torture of a death. I... thought about it, tried to put myself in... my cousin's place, and... even then, I couldn't be angry at Rukia. The older I've gotten, the more grateful I am for her blade's mercy for him."
"Grateful," Homura whispered.
"Grateful," Isshin repeated with a strong nod. "These days, I might be able to do something like that myself. Might. Depending on who it was. Family... someone I love... would be... extremely difficult. Maybe still impossible. But back then... no way. For anyone, let alone family. I... probably would've frozen." He frowned in silent thought for a bit. "From what I heard when I caught up with Captain Ukitake after the war, Rukia blamed herself right up until the war. Decades. Hated herself for it. Was ashamed of it. For decades. Thought herself a failure for not saving him in the most ideal way and let that failure define her. Limit her. For decades. Jūshirō said she shrank in on herself, shied away from her potential, closed herself off. Clipped her own wings and refused to fly no matter how he encouraged her. Made no friends, isolated herself. Didn't live, just existed. Even though very few people found fault with her- and those who did didn't know the context."
Then Isshin just stared.
Ichigo also stared. Expectant.
Isshin raised a brow at her.
Homura stared back and got the message:
Like her.
Oh.
Isshin must have seen the recognition on her face because his expression warmed. "Rukia was forced to confront that past and its weight during the war. Faced her fear and faced Kaien's younger siblings. Accepted that her actions had been necessary and proper despite their horror. Jūshirō said she was able to reconcile with the past and take up Kaien's banner- his philosophy, his positivity, his drive to rise up. And his... acceptance of the potential of death. Apparently, he taught the shinigami of Thirteenth the same thing he taught me when I joined the ranks: That if we should die, our comrades will carry our hearts with them. It wouldn't surprise me if Kaien was content to pass his heart to Rukia as he died."
"Heart?" Homura asked, baffled.
"Not that muscle in your chest," Isshin said. He pulled his hand off Homura's head and pointed at her chest, then waved the hand in dismissal. "Everything that makes you you. Your hopes, dreams, loves, goals, empathy, memories, ties to others. Every time you interact with someone, a 'heart' is born between you. It's like... an understanding, a relationship as an entity. What you do with it is up to you. Nurture, neglect, reject, treasure. When we die, we don't have anymore input into the 'hearts' between us and others. It's up to the other half to decide what to do with them from then on." Isshin leaned in and gripped Homura's shoulders, leaned in and looked her in the eye hard. "You carry that Madoka's heart with you. You carry the heart of every Madoka you ever met. The Madoka who asked you for that mercy deliberately trusted you with hers- handed it right over. So what're you gonna do with it?"
Homura stared. Dumbfounded.
Isshin pulled back, straightened, and crossed his arms. His mouth stretched into a satisfied smile. "You think about that, okay?"
Homura's mouth opened and closed several times, struggling for words with her world tilted on its axis, before she managed to say, "O-okay."
They were all quiet for a minute, a temporary peace settling over them.
Then Isshin took a deep breath and said, "Kisuke would like for Ichigo to describe what happened and what he saw, then ask him a lot of questions." He saw Homura tense and added, "As uncomfortable a topic it may be, the fact that Ichigo was somehow able to view a memory of a past timeline means that it's not an impossible thing. If you could share memories with new versions of us every time, things could go... smoother."
"What if I don't want to share my memories with anyone?" Homura snapped.
"Then you don't have to," Ichigo declared with a scowl.
Isshin nodded. "It would still be useful to know it's available as an option. Especially if it could be used for Kisuke to give memories of research or training to you."
Homura pursed her lips. That would be... extremely useful, actually.
"I don't have to tell him all the details about the memory I saw," Ichigo offered. "I can just say I saw you two talking. He doesn't need to know the words you said to each other. I wanna respect your privacy as much as I can."
Homura chewed her lip. "What if he says he needs to know... what we said?"
"Then I'll tell him I'll ask you first and if you still say no with whatever reason he gives I'll tell him to fuck off and forget it," Ichigo said with blatant stubbornness. "We're not stupid. We can figure something else out. He had a plan for passing stuff on before this became a possibility. He'll just have to suck it up."
"At the same time," Isshin hedged carefully, "please consider that if you were able to share memories at will, it may be easier to... pick up where you left off with other versions of everyone. By giving us memories of what previous selves did."
Homura frowned skeptically. "Or I could appear to be an enemy capable of brainwashing." She looked at Ichigo. "Like the enemy you told me about. With the bookmark-sword that allowed him to insert himself into other people's memories."
Ichigo went white.
Isshin ran his hands through his hair and sighed wearily. "You have a point. But it could still be useful to know. In case of emergency. And may even help with figuring out how the barrier around Asunaro messes with memory."
Homura sighed. "You also have a point. Several." She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing for a long minute while she debated the merits in her head. They let her. Eventually, she looked at Ichigo and nodded. "I... approve of telling him. Without details about the conversation. I..." Homura hesitantly glanced at every Kurosaki. "Talking about that with you is... I can do that. But... I do not want to discuss it with him. At all. I... trust... you to not spread word of it. But... not him. So no details."
Ichigo gave her a lopsided grin and a lazy salute. "Mission accepted, Stopwatch."
Homura breathed. In; out. In; out.
She could bear this.
She was responsible for every past Madoka's heart and she would carry them forward come Hell or high water. This was nothing in comparison to what she had borne up to this point. Even if she faltered, she would continue. She had family to shield her from Hell's flames and bear her up above high water now. And even if she had to leave them... well, she would be carrying their hearts with her from now on, so she would be okay.
She would be okay.
She would be okay without their actual presence.
If she told herself that enough, she would be okay.
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A/N: Ayyyy. The Kurosaki family took my plan for this chapter and did their own goddamn thing with it. *shrug*