(A/N): Leo's hard on himself, but Jerremyah's harder. Wait... that didn't come out right. Also, I realised yesterday that it was August (August 19th, specifically) which mean that I'd missed Leo's irl birthday. I wasn't planning anything, so it doesn't matter, but if I'd remembered it, maybe I would've come up with a special chapter for it. I considered doing so anyway, just a bit late, but I honestly couldn't think of anything. There's always next year.
Jerremyah
It was hard to know what to say to that- in the end, I settled for trying to reassure him, without making it obvious that that was what I was doing. To do that, I needed to get a little closer- metaphorically, that is. "You know," I began as lightly as possible, in the hopes that I wouldn't spook him- or worse, make him feel embarrassed about having admitted such a thing. "I might've noticed something along those lines, but I'm not sure." His cheeks turned pink.
"I- you-" He paused to gather his wits. "Rude." I grinned at him, and saw the corner of his lips twitch skyward in response.
I squeezed his hand- then remembered that that meant something now, briefly panicked, and then decided to throw caution to the wind, squeezing his hand a second time. "Not the signal." I said in reply to his raised eyebrow, and immediately received an answering squeeze- as well as getting to see relief creeping onto his face. "No, but really," I kept my voice soft, but not too soft, since I knew he wouldn't respond well to that. "You're far too hard on yourself." He cocked his only recently lowered brow at me once more, and I didn't like the look of his rather dry expression.
"Pot," He said. "Kettle." Lisbet snorted a laugh into the flesh of his cheek; I screwed up my face at him, and I could see him struggling not to smile.
"I don't know what you're talking about." His eyebrows furrowed, and for a second he kept up that almost smile- right up until he realised I was completely serious.
"What- Je-" He turned his head to look at Lisbet, as if he was checking that she was hearing this as well. "Help?" I saw her face soften to an almost criminal degree, but even so, she merely lifted a shoulder in response.
"I would love to, but I think if my previous attempts to help my mate come to terms with himself were unsuccessful, then any future attempts by my hand are just as likely to fail. Maybe what he needs is for someone else to have a go- someone who understands this sort of thing on a level that I simply can't." He held her gaze for a minute, then lowered his own.
Then, he turned his head back in my direction, and met my eyes instead- albeit a bit reluctantly. "Jerremyah," My nod was completely instinct driven, but I wouldn't have changed it. "You know how we have a lot in common?" I hesitated, not knowing where he was going with this, but then nodded again anyway. "Well, this is one of those things. No, don't argue- I know you're going to, but I need you to listen to me." I opened my mouth- then... I thought better of trying to argue with him. I wanted to see where he was going with this, almost as much as I wanted him to feel like he was being heard. Being listened to, seeing as those were two- subtly, but vitally- different things.
"...okay?" He pursed his lips, then squeezed my hand.
"You may not be able to see it right now, but maybe that whole introspection thing you've got going on will make it more clear to you someday- you're much too hard on yourself." I blinked- hard. Which was a bit ironic, I suppose.
"I'm not-" I wasn't meant to argue. I scrunched up my face as much as possible. "I'd say I'm about as hard on myself as I deserve." He and Lisbet both looked disappointed, but not surprised. "I know you don't understand it, but I... I'm not..." I hesitated, not knowing how much I could reveal without turning them against me- once and for all. To be safe, I stayed quiet, but Leo didn't seem satisfied with allowing me to do so.
"Okay," He said, but even with this apparent agreement, he didn't sound like he was about to let this go. "If I don't understand, why don't you explain it to me?" I knew what he was doing- he was, after all, using my own tricks against me. The only problem was, I didn't think I could deny him this. I would have to be careful- very, very careful.
"It's... complicated." Was what I settled on, which- subtle. It didn't work though, because he just continued to stare at me expectantly- like there was no doubt in his mind that I'd tell him eventually. Unfortunately, I suspected he was right. "It's- I'm not- we've already established that you and Lisbet are biased to think better of me than the truth-"
"Much like we've established that the opposite is true for you, dearest." Lisbet sniped, and I did my best to ignore her.
It went against every single one of my instincts, but I did it. "I'm not a good person, you should know that by now-" Leo shrugged much more loosely than I thought the situation merited.
"I know that you think you're not a good person." I shot him a look so dry I expected he'd chafe later.
"Pot. Kettle." I ground out, and surprisingly, the corner of his lips quirked up as though he was amused by this.
"In my opinion," He said cheerily. "Most people aren't bad, but instead, just people. People who maybe made some bad decisions, or a series of mistakes- still just... people." That... from what I knew about Leo- about his personality, and the person that he was at his very core- it made a lot of sense that he thought that way.
"That's nice," I said. "That's not me. That person you're referring to? They're not me. Killing someone is not 'a mistake'- it's murder." He blinked- then, his face fell, which was... disappointing, but not unexpected.
"So, what?" He asked, and I stared at him, too shocked and confused to really react beyond that. "You're just supposed to spend the rest of your life suffering for it?" Well- "Atonement, I can understand- trying to change, to be better, that I get. But surely you can't just wallow in darkness for the rest of eternity, or what's the point? Why end your life in a figurative sense, in an attempt to make amends for literally-" I cut him off, finally moving past my shock as my displeasure overtook it.
"Would you prefer I just go on with my life? Making merry and laughing it up?" He looked incredibly unhappy with this retort, and hesitated a second before asking,
"Did you want to kill this person? These people?" Because he knew- in the end, they both knew that I wasn't just referring to one person, but multiple. Dozens, maybe even hundreds.
"Deep down, I-" He waved a hand at me like this was irrelevant, cutting me off rather effectively.
"If we were having a conversation about what our vampire side wants us to do, I'm sure that our darkness would be of quite complementary shades." The room was silent besides the click of my jaw snapping shut, and Leo's heartbeat and breathing.
When I finally recovered, I said, "There's a difference between hearing, and listening." I told him, and he tilted his head to the side.
"You mean that there's a difference between ignoring, and being overpowered." He- hm...
"I mean that there's a difference between killing, murder, and slaughter. I'm guilty of all three, though I haven't felt guilty about the first one for a very, very long time." He blinked a few times before his expression faltered, and he started looking rather unsure of himself. Good.
"What... what's the difference?" I would've crossed my arms over my chest if I could, but even as I tried to make my point, I had the urge to comfort him. Or at the very least, the very selfish desire to keep ahold of his hand until he forced me to let go.
Fortunately for him, I was well versed in trying to rationalise this sort of thing- so I knew the definitions all too well. "Killing is a justified ending of life- self defense, revenge, etc. Murder is when you kill an innocent, or take your revenge or defend yourself in a way that isn't justified. Slaughter is-" I felt my face screw up, even if I didn't want it to. "Slaughter can be when you murder a lot of people in quick succession, or one person in an extraordinarily violent manner." Leo lowered his eyes, like he couldn't bear to look at me- like I knew he would. Lisbet was faring better, because she had infinitely more experience with that side of me than he did, but-
"So I'm a killer." He said, and I felt my face go slack.
"E- excuse me?" He shrugged tersely- defensively. Oh, oh no. Had I been feeling good about this, just seconds ago? No longer.
"When Jonothan attacked us- when he killed my father- when he murdered, my father- I killed them. I killed four vampires- four people." He gave me the smallest, saddest smile, and it was like sandpaper on my heart. "I think the only clan members that haven't killed anyone yet are Danniel and Jo." His face changed slightly, but I could not, for the life of me, ascertain exactly what had changed about it. "Let's all agree to do our best to ensure that stays true, shall we?"
(A/N): Leo: 'Most people aren't BAD, they're just people.'
Leo: 'Except for me, I'm AWFUL.'
also
Jerremyah: 'I'm a murderer, I'm a bad person who is beyond redemption!'
Leo: *thinking about the fact that he has also, technically, killed some people*
Leo: 'If Jerremyah is beyond redemption... then clearly so am I.'
Jerremyah: 'Wait... no! The consequences of my actions- I didn't think they'd take THIS form!'
also
Leo and Jerremyah: *inventing a signal so that if one of them needs to get out of a situation, they can*
Leo and Jerremyah: *having to say 'not the signal' every three seconds, because they just want to squeeze the each other's hand but can't without feeling like they're going to worry them*
also
Leo: 'Lisbet- help?'
Lisbet: 'Oh, sweetheart... he's your problem now.'
Leo: '...great. Just what I always wanted- a father figure.'
Leo: 'Wait.. what?'
Jerremyah: 'Wait, WHAT?!'
The definitions I use for killing, murder and slaughter are not the actual definitions (obviously), but how Jerremyah sees them. A bit of an insight into his mind, perhaps.