Author note- You guys are amazing. Thank you all for the reviews. I am doing a little better. Depression is a bitch. I hope you enjoy the new chapter.
Song inspiration- A Troubled Mind- Noah Kahan
Chapter 14
A Troubled Mind
Harry sat in the kitchen of Snapes quarters clasping a cup of tea with both hands. It was early and he hoped he'd been quiet enough not to wake Snape. When he'd woken up on the couch the night before, Snape had been in his armchair reading a book. He hadn't pushed Harry to talk. Instead, He had simply told Harry that everything was fine and that he was safe. Words that Harry hadn't known he'd needed to hear but was relieved by them, nonetheless.
Snape had summoned a house elf and Harry had eaten a few bites of soup while Snape went back to his book. He'd been informed that he was staying the night again. Harry wasn't sure what to make of that but supposed he preferred it to heading back to Sirius and Remus quarters.
Harry had numbly nodded his thanks and trudged to the room without further thought. He didn't know what was happening, but he didn't have the energy to question it either.
Now in the darkness of Snapes' quiet rooms he wished he knew what was happening. Or at least what was going to happen. He didn't like the uncertainty he felt about everything. Did they know who had attacked him? Was he hiding here until they did? Would he be expected to go about classes like nothing had happened, even if they didn't know?
The thoughts churned and churned in his head and his stomach soured at all of it.
He took another sip of the calming tea he had made. He'd been thankful to find some when he'd stumbled into the kitchen. Hopefully, Snape wouldn't mind.
There was a small hovering light orb hanging over the table. He didn't want to alert Snape that he was awake by turning on the lights, but the darkness frightened him.
There was a soft sound in the hall and Harry listened intently. When Snape appeared in the doorway, he wasn't surprised, though he hoped he hadn't woken him.
"Morning." Snape said softly as he made his way to the kettle and fixed his own cup of tea.
Harry said nothing and felt rude for doing so, but at the moment he wasn't sure he could say anything.
Snape settled across the table from him, and they each quietly sipped there tea. The quiet wasn't awkward, at least to Harry. He felt comfort in it. It reminded him of quiet moments he had enjoyed at Spinner's End with the man.
The questions were still swirling in his head and he eventually set his cup down and looked at Snape.
"What's going to happen now?" Harry asked softly.
He was thankful his voice hadn't shaken. Although, the rest of him, despite the tea, did feel like it was shaking.
Snape set down his tea and studied Harry for a moment before he spoke.
"That depends on you, Harry." Snape started.
Harry's chest felt tight. He didn't want to be responsible for this. He already felt like he was drowning in it. They kept saying they would help him. Why wouldn't they help him with this? He needed their help. His mind began to feel fuzzy, and he was startled when something touched his hand.
His eyes snapped open. When had he closed them?
Snape had tapped the back of his hand with a vial. Harry looked at it like he'd never seen a potion before. His brain felt like it wasn't working quiet right.
"Calming draught." The words floated into his mind, and he nodded numbly.
He took the vial and looked at it. He realized then he was having a panic attack and tried to focus on the color of the potion. The aura around it. Was it right? He couldn't remember.
A cool hand gently touched his and Harry looked up into Snapes eyes.
"It will make you feel better. Please take it." Snape said calmly.
Harry's mind was still racing but he nodded and unstoppered the vial before tipping it into his mouth. The flavor was horrid, and it felt a bit like swallowing sludge but as it settled in his stomach his mind began to calm, and his racing heart slowed.
"Sorry." Harry croaked out.
Snape took the vial from his hand and Harry just stared for a minute before he collected himself and looked back at Snape.
"I don't know what to do." Harry said in a small voice. He was afraid that he was going to be left alone to figure this out and he just couldn't. He had tried and this is how it had worked out.
Despite the calming draught he could feel the edges of panic still pressing in on him. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself before he could start to spiral again.
"I don't know what to do next. I…I'm sorry I can't do this on my own." Harry said hoarsely, trying to keep the tears at bay though he could feel them collecting in his eyes.
Snape sighed and when Harry looked back up, he was pinching the bridge of his nose. Harry looked away. He didn't want to anger Snape. Maybe he should know how to fix this or what to do.
"I did not mean that you needed to do this alone. Any part of it. I simply mean that we will discuss our options and then we will work it out together. No one expects you to do anything Harry. You are safe and you have support. I am here and I will be here for you in anyway that you need me." Snape said firmly.
Harry looked up to confirm that Snape was telling the truth. The honesty on Snapes face broke Harry as much as the words he'd spoken. Snape wasn't going to leave him to fight on his own.
He felt the first tear slide down his face. He hated himself as he turned to wipe it away.
"It's okay." Snape said soothingly.
Harry bit his lip and nodded. Nothing felt okay, but he would try and trust Snape.
Snape took a few deep breaths and Harry copied him.
"We do not need to talk about this now." Snape said.
Harry quickly shook his head. He needed to know what was happening. Might as well do it now while he had a calming draught in him.
"Are you sure?" Snape asked softly.
Harry looked at him and could see the concern creasing his face. Harry nodded more firmly.
"Very well." Snape said, before studying the ball of light that Harry had conjured. Harry felt himself blush at the childishness of it.
Snape said nothing about the light and turned back to face Harry.
"I've spoken with your guardians as well as Albus. For the time being all the students are being held in there house until we are able to determine who attacked you. You are welcome to return to your guardians' quarters or you may stay here. I will say this now, so that you do not feel like a burden, as I know you are want to do. You are welcome here. I am comfortable with you staying. I just want you to be where you feel the most secure." Snape explained.
Harry blushed more and nodded his understanding.
"The wards on the castle have been checked and the corridor where Draco found you has been looked through thoroughly. So far there are no clues. At this time, we do not know who has done this or why. Unfortunately, I think you are the only one who has that information." Snape said.
Harry bit his lip and shook his head.
"I don't know." Harry croaked out.
Snape took a deep breath and nodded slowly.
"I know. The information has been hidden from you. I believe it is still in there though. No one will force you to do anything Harry, but I believe that removing the memory blocks as we did before will be the most efficient way to find out what has been happening." Snape said quietly.
Harry could hear the trepidation in Snape's voice. He was nervous but was glad it was Snape.
Harry nodded his understanding.
"And if it's bad?" Harry murmured.
Snape reached out but stopped short of taking Harry's hand. Harry reached out a little to show it was okay. Snape took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Like I said before, I will be right here. We will work through it together. I won't leave you to deal with it alone." Snape promised.
Harry could feel more tears stinging his eyes but kept them from falling.
"Okay." Harry whispered.
They went back to the silence, but it felt much heavier then it had before.
"I'd like to just…just get it over with. If that's all right. I don't do well with important things like this hanging over my head." Harry eventually said.
Snape stood and took both of their cups to the counter to make more tea.
"I believe we should have some breakfast before we proceed." Snape said over his shoulder.
Harry stomach twisted. He did not want to eat.
"I promise I'll eat later but…I already feel a little like I'm going to be sick and…I don't know what we will find." Harry said, twisting his hands in his lap.
Snape returned with their tea and seemed to study Harry critically for a moment before he nodded.
"Very well. I believe we should take this into the sitting room." Snape said before leading them to the couch.
Once they were seated Harry tried to take some deep breaths like he had practiced with Remus. His body hurt and he felt wrung out, but he needed to know what had been happening. His skin crawled. He considered putting this off until he could shower, but the not knowing was only going to make this all worse.
"could I have…um…a pain potion?" Harry mumbled out. He didn't like to admit to his pain, but he didn't want it to be a distraction. No doubt, Snape would be able to sense it while he was in his mind, and he didn't want to upset the man.
Snape gave him a sad look before pulling out a vial.
"You only ever have to ask." Snape said before handing over the potion.
Closing his eyes he felt the potion begin to work. The sharpness of the pain ebbed way. Unfortunately, the dull throb remained.
Opening his eyes he gave Snape a firm nod.
Snape looked hesitant.
"I will stop if this begins to become to much for you." Snape said.
When Harry nodded his understanding Snape pulled his wand.
"Legilimens." Snape whispered.
Severus once again found himself in Harry's mental forest. Thankfully, nothing looked like it had changed since he was here last. He was worried after the boy had pulled into himself yesterday that the damage might be getting worse.
Harry walked up next to him, and they looked across the clearing. Thankfully, it appeared that all of the holes were within the clearing and did not go into the deeper areas of the forest, deeper into Harry's mind.
"Where will you start?" Harry asked.
Severus sighed.
"I think we will start close to the big hole and work our way out. I would like to address the bigger hole as well. Though I believe that can wait for now." Severus explained.
"I think I'd rather just do it all. I…I've been making it worse." Harry whispered.
Severus turned to look at him curiously.
Harry swallowed reflexively and kept his eyes trained to a spot in the distance.
"When something upsetting happens, I've been forcing the memories into the hole. They don't stay but…I'm sure it hasn't helped anything." Harry admitted.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. Harry needed to process what had happened to him and then store the memories away. Trying to hide them from himself would only lead to additional problems. Severus hoped talking and proper occlumency lessons could help.
"When we are done with this, I will help you organize your mind better. Help you heal." Severus promised quietly.
Harry nodded mutely. With that, they made their way further into the clearing. When Severus had picked a hole, he pulled from Harry's mind. He cast the charm and watched Harry's face carefully as the memory was released.
Harry nodded and met his eye.
Severus slipped back into his mind and watched the memory. Harry walking to class with his friends talking about a game of cards the night before. They passed other students and staff in the hall but there wasn't anything here. Harry wasn't hurt or distressed, it was just a piece of his day.
As the memory faded Severus picked another hole and repeated the process. They kept this up for nearly half an hour. Severus couldn't understand the connection between the memories. They were all from this school year as Harry had said. Each took place on the school grounds. Whoever it was, hadn't taken Harry away from the school. The memories were all normal things most people forgot anyway. Eating lunch in the great hall, walking in the halls to classes, Studying in the Library.
Severus pulled out of Harry's mind and frowned.
Harry looked at him to signal that he was ready again.
"I'm not seeing anything, are you?" Severus asked curiously.
To Severus' surprise Harry nodded.
"What?" Severus sat forward. Harry had a brilliant mind. Perhaps he had seen a pattern that he had missed.
"There is a specific aura in all of them." Harry said with his brows pinched together.
Severus shook his head. He couldn't see auras. Even in Harry's mind he didn't see the magic the way Harry did.
"I don't know who it is. It's hard to distinguish one from another when I'm in the magical world. They all blur a little but there is something there. I…Er…I don't think it's a Gryffindor." Harry said.
Severus raised an eyebrow. He was sure Harry wanted to believe it couldn't be one of his friends, but it very well could be.
"All of the memories are in common spaces. There haven't been any in class or in the tower." Harry explained.
Severus nodded. That did make sense.
"Are you ready to continue? We've managed about a dozen, but by my estimate there is still about two dozen." Severus said.
Harry nodded with more confidence.
Severus cast to break the next charm.
Harry's brows furrowed and he began to shake. They must have finally found something. Harry bit his lip and looked at Severus who quickly slipped into the boy's mind. The memory was similar to ones they had already seen. Harry walking in the corridor. This time he was alone though. Suddenly arms wrapped around Harry's middle. Harry couldn't see who it was, so Severus couldn't see either.
"You're such a tease." A voice whispered into Harry's ear.
Severus could see the panic on Harry's face. He whimpered and tried to twist away.
"Be a good boy for me." The man's voice said before he licked Harry's neck, and the boy cried out. A hand flew out and covered his mouth.
Severus tried to notice anything about the hand or the robes, but nothing stood out.
The man whispered something in Harry's ear and the memory ended.
Severus pulled out of Harry's mind.
Harry had pulled his legs up on the couch and was hugging his knees.
"It's Rick." Harry whispered out.
Severus' brows scrunched and he wondered if Harry knew for sure or if the memory had triggered him.
"Are you sure?" Severus asked.
Harry nodded before he buried his head in knees.
Severus grit his teeth. How the fuck had he gotten into the school?
Severus stood and summoned the blanket Harry had been using in his quarters and draped it over the boy's shoulders. Harry sobbed as it landed on his shoulders.
"Shhh…Harry it's okay. Your safe here." Severus said softly. He wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder to calm him, but he didn't dare reach out to the boy when he couldn't see him. Instead, he knelt in front of the couch.
"Harry, look at me." Severus said softly.
Harry's tear-filled eyes met his.
"I'm sorry." Severus said.
Harry's lip trembled and he nodded.
Severus raised his hand and Harry took it.
"What can I do for you?' Severus asked.
Harry sniffled and shrugged.
Severus just held Harry's hand for a long time. Eventually the tears stopped, and Severus noticed Harry was taking slow, even breaths to help calm himself.
Severus summoned a flannel and wet it with a quit Aquamenti. He held it out to Harry who took it with a slight blush. Pulling his glasses from his face, Harry washed away the tears before banishing the cloth.
Harry began to chew at his lip a little and Severus waited patiently. He didn't know what else he could do for Harry in that moment.
"I want to continue." Harry said.
Severus stomach clenched. He didn't feel like that was the best idea.
"Harry." Severus started but Harry shook his head to stop him.
"Please Severus. I don't want him here." Harry pleaded.
Severus swallowed thickly. Harry hardly used his first name, and the pleading tone had pulled at his heart strings.
Severus reluctantly nodded. He didn't want Merrick here either unless it was at the bottom of the lake. Unfortunately, that wasn't the current case, and it appeared the only way they were going to start getting answers was to continue.
"Can I do anything to make this easier for you? Would you like me to get Edgar for you?" Severus asked carefully. He was willing to continue but he wanted to limit Harry's distress if he could.
Harry bit his lip and looked away. His cheeks were blushing darkly. Clearly there was something he wanted but found it embarrassing to ask for.
"Harry, anything you need right now is okay. Do you want George?" Severus asked cautiously.
After Draco had suggested that they were a couple, Severus had begun to question it again. Harry had apparently begged Draco to get him. Severus wasn't sure how to feel about it but if George was who Harry needed then he would be willing to call him. Though it was rather early.
Harry shook his head and looked down at his hands.
"I…If… do you think…." Harry tried several times before blushing deeper and shaking his head.
Severus sighed. He wished Harry didn't have so many issues around asking for things. Severus could practically feel shame rolling off of Harry. He always seemed to feel unworthy of his needs being met, which just spoke to how badly his relatives had treated him. Severus knew that one day Harry may be able to overcome the physical abuse that they inflicted. However, Severus wasn't sure that the scars from the mental and emotional abuse would ever heal.
Harry sniffled slightly and shifted uncomfortably before he spoke again.
"I want Padfoot." Harry whispered softly around what sounded like the beginning of tears again.
Severus nodded immediately. If he wanted Black here, he'd get him, even if he had to drag the mangy mutt from bed at this early hour.
"Very well. I will be back in just a moment." Severus said giving Harry's hand another gentle squeeze before he stood up.
"If he doesn't…I…It's okay…I don't…" Harry choked out and Severus shook his head.
"He'll be here." Severus promised.
He'd make sure Harry had what he needed, even if it was Black.
Severus tossed floo powder into the hearth and called out for the mutts' quarters. He knew he should call first but he was not inclined to kneel again if it wasn't necessary.
Severus stepped out into the quiet sitting room.
"Hello?" Remus called from the kitchen.
Severus made his way into the room and found both men leaning against the counter having tea. Thankfully, they looked like they'd been up for a while.
"What's wrong?" Remus asked as soon as he laid eyes on Severus.
Severus raised his hand placatingly. He didn't need them to get anxious before he even had a chance to explain what was going on.
"Harry's fine. Well…He's not injured. He agreed to let me start breaking the memory charms. We've managed several of them. All but the last were just day to day activities." Severus explained.
Remus brows creased.
"And the last?" Sirius asked.
"It was an attack. Not major but upsetting. We couldn't see the attacker, but Harry identified the man as Merrick Fletcher. His voice I would assume. He was understandably upset after. He has calmed down and wishes to continue." Severus explained.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Remus voiced worriedly, his eyes shifted anxiously between Severus and Sirius.
Severus sighed and nodded. He certainly agreed, for Harry's sake as much as his own. Watching Harry being attacked had been hard to watch. If his occlumency shields didn't provide so much emotional control, he imagined he would be visibly a lot more upset. However, he understood Harry's need for this to be finished.
"He wants it over. I can't say I blame him. I asked if he wanted anything to help him and he asked for Sirius." Severus said, meeting Sirius eyes.
Sirius set his tea down and nodded.
"Yeah, I'm ready." Sirius said.
Severus held his hand up to keep the impulsive Gryffindor from charging away.
"I need you to let Harry have control over this situation. He's very vulnerable right now. If you are coming down, you need to keep yourself in check." Severus warned.
Sirius rolled his shoulders back and took a few deep breaths.
"I understand. Remus and I have talked about how to best help Harry. I know he's had his control taken from him and is emotional right now. I won't make this about myself. I'll be here for what he needs." Sirius said.
Severus gave him a critical look. Black had been more stable since he'd been taking the mood potions.
"Very well. Lets head down." Severus said.
"Thank you." Remus said earnestly.
Severus nodded.
Harry was in the room he'd been staying in going through his bag. He was thankful that it had been found. He couldn't imagine losing it. He had gotten dressed in comfortable clothes. Still being in sleepwear when this had started had made him feel a little exposed. His finger's brushed against something he didn't often let himself acknowledge that he had.
He pulled out the four small stuffed animals. He rubbed them against his face and sniffled a little.
"Moony was your favorite for a long time." Sirius said from the door.
Harry startled slightly at the unexpected noise. Feeling his face heat up, he shoved them back in his bag quickly.
"You don't need to hide them, Harry. Did you find them in the vault?" Sirius asked.
Harry zipped his bag and looked over at Sirius.
"Yeah." Harry admitted, shoving his shrunk bag back in his pocket and wrapping his arms around his stomach.
Sirius nodded.
"I'm not a baby…I just…I never had a stuffy." Harry admitted.
He felt silly. He didn't know why he'd even taken them.
Sirius smiled sadly at him.
"I know you're not a baby. I still have a stuffed dragon Regulus gave me when we were kids. I had nightmares and he told me that chomps would keep them away." Sirius said with a soft smile.
Harry smiled a little.
"Chomps?" Harry said, raising an eyebrow.
Sirius shrugged.
"Reg was four." Sirius said in way of explanation.
Harry nodded and bit his lip.
"Snape told us what you've been doing this morning." Sirius said, in a more concerned tone.
Harry nodded.
"Do you mind being here?" Harry asked nervously.
"Course not, pup. I'm here for whatever you need." Sirius said.
Harry nodded and bit his lip. He had the thought that he really wasn't sure how this was supposed to work. He'd admitted to Sirius weeks ago that Padfoot was comforting to him and Remus shifting yesterday had been nice, even though he'd started growling. Could he just ask Sirius to shift? Was that weird? Would Sirius feel like he wasn't really wanted for himself? Just some comfort object like his stuffies?
"Harry." Sirius called and Harry realized he was letting his mind spiral.
"Whatever you need. I mean it." Sirius said more firmly.
"Can...Can you be Padfoot for me? While…um…While Snape breaks the charms." Harry asked worriedly.
Sirius smiled softly at him.
"Absolutely." Sirius said.
Harry sighed and could feel himself relax slightly. Sirius was smiling softly, though Harry could see the worry in his eyes. However, he didn't seem putout that Harry wanted him to shift.
"Shall we?" Sirius asked, stepping away from the door and into the hall.
Harry hesitated as he entered the sitting room. Snape had retaken his seat in his armchair and the blanket he had been wrapped in was still on the back of the couch.
Sirius was standing next to the other armchair waiting for him. He walked over and sat on the floor with his back against the couch.
Snape looked at him curiously.
"Is there something wrong with my couch?" Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.
Harry could feel his face heat.
Harry heard the pop of Sirius shifting and coming over to him. Harry smiled slightly and straightened his legs before patting his thigh. Padfoot laid across him and the weight was oddly soothing. He'd expected Sirius to just lay his head on his leg like Moony had, but this was better. He felt a little embarrassed, but he wanted the comfort.
"I see." Snape said blandly.
Harry bit his lip and looked up at Snape and hoped he wasn't too upset.
"Sorry." Harry said softly, looking down and gently petting Padfoot.
"I told you; you can have whatever is going to help. This is fine." Snape stood from his chair and shuffled awkwardly before gracefully folding himself and sitting down on the floor.
"Eye contact might be difficult to maintain if I stay up there." Snape grumbled slightly as he tried to situate himself.
Harry went to apologize again but Snape cut him off with a sharp shake of his head.
Harry tried to calm himself by running his fingers through Padfoot's thick fur.
"Are you ready?" Snape asked.
Harry nodded and met Snape's eyes. He raised his wand and began to break the next charm. Harry could feel the magic pulling deep in his mind. It felt somewhat like a thread being pulled until the magic had unraveled and the memory came to mind.
Harry cringed a little as the memory came into focus. It was when he'd been sent to the hospital wing by Remus.
Harry looked at Snape.
"Are you alright?" Snape asked.
Harry shrugged. He'd pushed it away as soon as he'd realized when it had been from. He didn't want to look back at something from that night.
"Is it bad?" Snape asked, an edge of concern creeping into his voice.
Harry sighed and moved his hand closer to Padfoot's head.
"I don't know. Will you look at it with me?" Harry said raising his eyes to Snapes.
Snape pushed into his mind and Harry breathed deeply and relaxed. He'd discovered having Snape in his mind wasn't as painful or upsetting as he had feared. Not like occlumency lessons which had been painful and invasive.
Harry watched himself trudged to the Hospital wing. He stopped short as some students left and leaned against the wall.
"What were you doing?" Snape asked from beside him.
"Trying to find a way to get out of going. This was when Pomfrey found the bruises on my ribs." Harry said softly.
Suddenly he remembered the hands that grabbed him. He winced as the memory showed him being spun around and crushed up against the wall.
"If I'd known you were looking for me, I would have made myself available sooner. Good boy waiting out here for me." The voice said.
Harry shivered as the man grabbed at his hips and ground himself against Harry.
"Will have time later." The voice said, before sniffing his hair.
Harry shuddered as the whispered spell ended the memory.
Severus jaw clenched. He'd been in the hospital wing with Poppy when this happened. Merrick was bold to go after Harry like that.
Harry's breath was shaking but he kept petting the mutt and that seemed to be keeping him from panicking.
"Just breathe. We're not in a hurry. We can go at whatever pace you're comfortable with." Severus said softly. Severus wanted to say that they could stop at any point, but he didn't want to suggest it when Harry was clearly wanting to push on.
Harry nodded jerkily before he met his eyes.
"What's the spell he's using?" Harry asked quietly.
Severus sighed.
"Coligo. It means to bind in darkness. The spell is old, it's been used for different things over time, but it has mostly fallen into obscurity." Severus explained.
Harry bit his lip and thought before leaning nearly in half to hug the shaggy mutt in his lap. Sirius whined a little but made no other sound or movement.
Severus let them be for a moment and thought about the memories they had seen. He wondered if Harry had seen Merrick in the school and that's why he had taken so many memories. The last two made sense and he wondered how many more he would see like that.
When Harry was ready, they continued.
They slowly worked their way through the memories. When it was nearly lunch time, they had gotten through most of them. There had been six more minor attacks, but the attacker's face was never visible. It was always grabbing hands and words hissed or spat at Harry. Always when Harry was alone. Always short interactions that ended with the spell to remove the memory.
The rest had been other places around the school and grounds that didn't seem to mean anything. One had even been a bit of Harry on his broom at a quidditch practice. The man was lucky Harry hadn't been too disoriented from the spell. He could have fallen off his broom. Severus had kept his eyes pealed for signs of a repeated face in the background, but nothing ever showed up. It was always a mix of people.
"I think we should take a short break for lunch. You promised you would eat something." Severus said.
Harry looked hesitant but conceded and nodded.
Severus stood and his joints creaked and popped. Black snorted in dog form as he climbed off Harry's lap.
Severus rolled his eyes. He knew Black's joints weren't in any better shape.
Harry stood and Black shifted back. Unsurprisingly, Harry stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius and leaned his head into the man's chest. Sirius gave Severus a pained look as he held Harry tight.
Severus nodded his understanding. It was hard to watch Harry struggle through this, but it was unfortunately necessary. While Harry was certain of who had attacked him, Severus still wasn't sure. Harry hadn't explained how he'd known. They also still hadn't come across the memory from the most recent attack and Severus needed a break before he saw what had happened.
When they had finished lunch and reconvened in the sitting room, Severus hesitated.
"There's only a few left." Harry said softly, as he pet Padfoot.
Severus nodded.
"I know. One of them will be the attack on Halloween though." Severus said cautiously.
Harry took a deep breath and nodded.
"I know. It's okay. I'm okay." Harry tried to reassure. Though Severus wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure Severus or himself.
Harry wasn't okay but he was holding up remarkably well for everything that had been thrown at him today.
Severus withdrew his wand, and they began again. Of the five that they had left to go the first three had been nothing. More of the same random bits of Harry's life. Severus could tell that Harry had been struggling more than others in some of the memories. He was quiet, even a little skittish. However, most of the memories that they'd recovered had not been traumatic thankfully.
Now, standing in Harry's mind with only two left, he felt they were at a crossroads.
"Just pick. We know one is going to be horrid and the other could be just as bad." Harry said with a sigh.
Severus nodded and picked the one to the left of himself before pulling out of Harry's mind.
"We're right here." Severus reminded Harry.
Harry nodded and Severus began to break the charm.
Harry's eyes got a little glazed and his nose wrinkled. Severus waited but when Harry didn't seem to be coming out of the memory he called to him.
"Harry?"
Harry blinked and shook his head before cocking it sideways and giving him a strange look.
"I don't understand." Harry said brokenly.
Severus' brows furrowed.
"May I?" Severus asked and when Harry nodded, he slipped into the boy's mind.
Harry was standing in the corridor near the defense classroom when Remus approached him.
"Hello." Remus said.
Harry turned and nodded to him but was obviously avoiding looking at him.
Severus watched as Remus stepped closer and set his hand on Harry's shoulder.
"Are you alright, Harry?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged Remus' hand off, then glared up through his fringe before looking back at the floor.
Severus could see the anger on Harry's face and assumed this had been in the last three weeks. Remus had mentioned that Harry had been rather upset after the incident with Artemis and Iris.
"Leave me alone." Harry growled and turned to walk away.
"Coligo." Was whispered behind him and the memory ended.
When Severus pulled back from Harry's mind he was confused as well.
"Did…Did Remus cast that on me?" Harry whispered softly, his voice shaking slightly.
Sirius raised his head at Harry's words.
Black slid off Harry's lap and shifted back before resting with his back against the couch. He looked at Severus to explain but he had no explanation.
"What happened?" Sirius asked softly.
Harry had begun shaking and Severus couldn't say he was feeling much better. Had Remus been the one attacking Harry? It made no sense at all.
Harry's hand suddenly flew to his mouth, and a moment later he was running down the hall. Severus didn't point out that there was a closer bathroom. He didn't think he could have found the words if he'd tried.
Turning back to Sirius, Severus tried to focus on Sirius' question.
"In the memory's we've seen several have the use of the Coligo spell. It's obviously the spell that has been used to hide Harry's memories." Severus said.
Sirius nodded and looked worriedly in the direction Harry had run. Severus knew it was best to give Harry a little space.
"This last one Remus was talking to Harry. Harry seemed angry at him. When he turned to walk away Caligo was cast. It…It sounded like Remus cast the spell at him." Severus said.
Sirius looked confused before he shook his head and stood.
"Are you suggesting that Remus attacked Harry?" Sirius spat.
Severus also stood and shook his head.
"I'm not sure what's going on." Severus said honestly.
Sirius jaw clenched several times, and his eyes darted between Severus and the hall Harry had disappeared down.
Suddenly Sirius marched to the floo and tossed in far too much floo powder before disappearing to his quarters. Severus considered following but knew they would both likely be back shortly. Instead, he collected a stomach soother for Harry and a warm flannel and made his way down the hallway.
Harry was sitting on the floor of the bathroom when he reached the door. He had sweat on his brow and was visibly shaking. The room smelled of stomach bile.
"Here." Severus said, kneeling down next to Harry.
Harry took the potion and downed it without his normal inspection. Severus raised his hand and brushed the hair back from Harry's face. Harry felt clammy. Severus made sure Harry saw his hand before raising the flannel to the boy's forehead. He gently wiped the sweat from his face. Harry closed his eyes and slightly leaned into the touch. Severus smiled sadly down at him. Harry had never been taken care of. Every time Severus was in a position to do so it became so obvious that he expected nothing. He expected his pain to only be worsened, never soothed.
"Why?" Harry asked brokenly.
Severus wasn't sure if he was asking about the memory or his care, so he waited.
"Why would he do that?" Harry whimpered.
Severus lips pinched tightly.
"I don't know. Sirius has left, I imagine he's going to speak with Remus. We'll know soon enough." Severus said quietly.
Harry sighed; he looked miserable.
"Why don't we get off the floor and go get you something to drink." Severus suggested.
Harry nodded and they headed for the kitchen. Harry moved like a doll with half the strings cut. Like the weight of that last memory was physically crushing him down.
"Remus!" Sirius screamed as he stumbled into their sitting room.
Sirius heard shuffling from the other room and Remus rounded the corner looking distraught.
"What's wrong?" Remus said walking closer.
Sirius felt his whole body shaking. There was no way Remus had hurt Harry. Why would Snape say that? Why would Harry say that?
Remus reached up and wiped tears from Sirius' cheek that he hadn't even realized were there.
"Sirius your scaring me what's wrong?" Remus asked, his voice shaking a little.
Sirius reached up and took hold of Remus' wrist and pulled his hand away from his face. He stood frozen just staring at Remus' hand.
"Did you hurt Harry?" Sirius asked brokenly, gripping Remus' arm tighter.
Sirius eyes flicked up to look Remus right in the eye. He looked shocked. His eyes were wide, and Sirius could feel his pulse pounding in his arm.
"No. Never. What is happening?" Remus asked again.
Sirius swallowed thickly and released Remus' arm. He didn't want to hurt Remus accidentally. Walking over to the couch he flopped down and hung his head, running his fingers into the long locks.
"Snape says the memory they just recovered was you. You are casting the memory charm on Harry." Sirius said brokenly. He couldn't believe it and he wouldn't, not without other proof. Remus loved Harry. He wouldn't hurt him.
Remus came to kneel in front of him and gently pulled Sirius hands from his hair.
"Sirius look at me." Remus said firmly.
Sirius looked up and met Remus' green eyes. He studied the amber swirl in them.
"I didn't cast anything on Harry. If he has a memory of me doing so, then we need to understand where it came from. I would never do that to Harry." Remus said so firmly the Sirius could feel it in his bones.
He nodded back but didn't break eye contact with Remus. He felt like a mess. He had felt like an emotional blanket to Harry for most of the day. Thankfully, there hadn't been too many horrible memories, but he knew it was coming before Harry or Severus would even say anything. Harry would start shaking and his muscles would stiffen. As long as Harry kept petting his fur he would stay still. He didn't want to overwhelm Harry, but he'd worked through them all until that last one.
"Let's go speak with Severus and see what we can find out." Remus said softly, rubbing Sirius' hands gently with his thumbs.
Sirius sniffled and nodded.
Remus blinked confusedly as he came out of the Pensieve. Severus had borrowed Albus Pensieve after Sirius had left. He didn't want to subject Harry to having to rewatch memories that were upsetting for him. Remus appreciated it.
Harry was sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket.
Remus had certainly seen himself in the memory, but he didn't recognize the interaction at all.
"I have no memory of it. I wouldn't have reached out to Harry like that or spoken to him that way. I certainly wouldn't have cast at his back, and I never would have used a memory charm on him." Remus said to himself but also to Severus and Sirius who had viewed the memory with him.
Remus looked over to Harry who glanced up at him but then looked away again and frowned.
"What is it, Harry?" Remus asked softly.
Harry bit his lip and shrugged.
"Your aura is weird." Harry whispered.
Remus frowned and walked over to sit in the armchair near Harry.
"I can't see them. What's wrong with my aura?" Remus asked softly.
Harry looked him over and shook his head.
"Nothing. You're fine. I mean in the memory, it's wrong." Harry whispered.
Severus took a seat in his armchair and Sirius stood awkwardly until Harry scooted closer to Severus' end of the couch to make room. Sirius sat down but left plenty of room so that he wouldn't crowd Harry.
"Was he cursed? An Imperio or Confundus, maybe?" Severus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"I can see Imperio easily. The aura for it is…distinctive." Harry said with a shutter.
"It's like…mixed somehow." Harry sighed and rubbed his fist against his forehead aggressively.
Harry stood and dropped the blanket on the couch before walking around for a moment.
"Can I…put something in the Pensieve?" Harry asked.
Remus looked to Severus.
Severus stood and nodded.
"Yes, do you need help removing the memory?" Severus asked, dropping his wand into his hand.
Harry nodded.
"Think of the memory and then I will pull it out of your mind." Severus said.
Harry nodded and closed his eyes.
Severus quickly removed the current memory in the Pensieve and placed it in an empty vial and pocketed it.
Harry opened his eyes and Severus set the tip of his wand to his temple before pulling a long gossamer of memory out of Harry's mind. He tapped the memory from his wand into the Pensieve, then turned back to Harry who had his eyes closed again.
"One more." Harry said softly.
Severus nodded and repeated the process.
When Harry said nothing else and instead entered the Pensieve Severus looked over at them.
"Do you think he's looking at the other attacks you saw?" Remus asked brokenly.
He hoped Harry didn't think he had been attacking him. His stomach felt like it was twisting itself in knots.
Severus shrugged and retook his seat.
"I imagine he has a theory that we wont be privy too until he's ready to share it." Severus said.
Remus nodded and sighed as he leaned forward and folded his hands in front of him. None of this made any sense at all. He hoped they could figure this out. While he knew that he and Harry's relationship was rocky, this was something else entirely.
When Harry came out of the Pensieve, his brows were knitted deep thought before he nodded as if he'd come to some kind of conclusion.
Severus watched Harry carefully. He could see from his eyes that he was occluding. Not that Severus was surprised, this was a stressful situation.
Harry sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall next to the fireplace and seemed to just study them all for a long moment.
"I think I understand what I was seeing." Harry finally said softly.
Everyone was focused on Harry for a moment and waited.
"He's using Polyjuice. I think it's why I saw a similar aura in all the memories even though their weren't always the same people." Harry said softly.
Severus nodded. He had no idea how Polyjuice affected auras. It made sense that no one had seen him in the castle though.
"I'm sorry." Harry said looking up to Remus. He looked heartbroken.
Remus shook his head.
"I'm sorry, pup. You don't need to apologize. I'm so sorry this is happening." Remus said earnestly.
Harry bit his lip and nodded.
"Out of curiosity, which memories are in the Pensieve?" Severus asked.
Harry gave a slightly wry smile. It felt out of place in the heavy situation, but Severus was thankful that a smile could be pulled from Harry at all right now.
"Moody. One of him at Grimmald last summer and the second when he was 'advising' me on the tri-wizard tournament. I knew that the aura would be different, but I wanted to compare them. Moody…The real Moody has a very…striking aura. When Crouch was impersonating him, his was mixed with Moody's. If I don't have a baseline though I wouldn't have known, it wasn't just his aura." Harry said.
Severus nodded. It was fascinating but he'd hold more questions for later.
"I know…I know Rick's aura, but mixed with someone else's it's not very noticeable, I don't think. It's subtle somehow. He knows I can see them though. I think we talked about it once. I can't really remember it, but I feel like I know it…if that makes sense. I think it's why he blocked so many memories. He was trying to hide in plain sight." Harry breathed out. His body was beginning to shake again.
"I need to see the last memory." Harry said firmly, but Severus could tell he was afraid.
Severus looked to Remus and Sirius who both looked like they'd been completely wrung out by the experience so far.
"Harry, I think maybe you should wait." Remus advised.
Harry shook his head.
"We can wait on the bigger hole…I don't think I'm ready for that. But I need this last memory from school. I'm prepared for it to be someone I know, even if it doesn't make sense. I'll know what to look for now." Harry said, taking deep breaths.
Severus felt like this was an awful idea, but he wanted to help Harry.
"Do you want Padfoot?" Sirius asked.
Harry hesitated for a moment before nodding.
Once the mutt was laying across Harry's lap again, and Harry was once again wrapped in the blanket, Severus sat on the floor in front of them. There was less room this way. He was nearly sitting on Remus' feet.
Severus felt like he was holding his breath as he slowly unwound the last of the memory charms. Harry gasped and closed his eyes. His body shook and his hands fisted into Padfoot's fur until the dog whimpered.
Harry released his grip and began to apologize before he abruptly stood and dislodge the dog.
"Please take it." Harry said waving at his head.
Severus stood and nodded. Holding his wand to the boy's temple he gently pulled the memory forth. Harry took a stumbling step back and Severus could see the panic beginning to sink in. Severus dropped the memory into the pensive and turned to address Harry.
Suddenly a loud crack sounded, and Harry was gone.
Severus stared in shock at the place Harry had been standing a moment before. This was the second time Harry had done the impossible and Apparated passed the Hogwarts wards.
"Dammit." Remus cursed as he stood.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. Merlin only knew where the boy had run away too. He should have seen it coming. Harry had been a little better at not running away since they'd returned to the school, but it was still his go-to response to overwhelming emotions.
Sirius and Remus were talking in hushed tones behind Severus' back and all Severus could do was stand there and stare at the memory swirling in the Pensieve.
"Harry needs space. Let him have it. He has always come back or is easy enough to find." Severus said softly, but loud enough to be heard over the frantic conversation happening behind them.
Severus turned to look at them both. They looked scared but Severus knew Harry just needed time. They could go looking for him shortly but right now they needed to finish this.
"I suggest we look at this memory Harry has left us. Then we can inform Albus of what has happened, check on our students, then we will look for Harry." Severus said in an even tone.
He was worried about Harry, but he didn't suspect he was in trouble. At least not yet.
They looked hesitant but eventually nodded and gathered around the Pensieve.
They all touched the tips of their wands to the bowl and were pulled into the memory.
Severus stood with Sirius and Remus as they watched Harry walking down the third-floor corridor away from Remus office. Harry looked exhausted and as he rounded a corner, they heard his name called.
"Harry." Remus called.
"Fuck." The real Remus standing next to him muttered.
Severus took this to mean that he hadn't followed Harry.
Harry looked confused when he looked back over his shoulder.
"What?" Harry asked softly.
"Can I walk with you to the feast?" fake Remus asked.
Harry bit his lip.
"Headed to the kitchens. Not much feeling like the feast." Harry muttered and shrugged his bag higher on his shoulders.
Fake Remus nodded.
"I'll walk you down."
Harry seemed hesitant but eventually shrugged and continued walking.
"I told him I didn't want him alone right now. He hadn't been great about that, but I didn't follow him. I was still in my office." Remus said softly next to him as they followed the memory.
Severus bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything. If Harry hadn't been alone, he might not have been attacked. That wasn't helpful though and he was sure Remus was feeling guilty enough as it was.
As they descended deeper in the school Harry turned and looked up at Remus walking next to him.
"What did you think of the letter?" Harry asked softly.
Severus remembered that Harry had given them each something from Lily that morning.
Fake Remus smiled widely.
"It was great. Thanks."
Severus shook his head and noticed Harry narrowing his eyes. He was suspicious. Severus knew this was about where Harry had lost his bag.
"You know I think I left something in the common room. I'll see you later." Harry said and spun on his heel to walk away. The fake Remus reached out and caught Harry by the strap of his bag, dragging Harry backwards.
"Let go." Harry yelled.
Severus looked around and saw no one. It didn't matter that the boy was yelling. No one was close enough to hear him.
'I'll never let you go,' Was hissed as the man grabbed Harry by the neck and knocked his bag to the floor.
They walked quicker as Harry was dragged deeper and deeper into the dungeons. Harry flailed but as Severus had seen before, in moments of panic, Harry forgot that he was a wizard. Severus knew that Harry could have killed the man in his right mind. Set him on fire. Cast a flurry of offensive spells. Instead, he was crying and twisting desperately to get away.
The man threw Harry to the floor and was on him in a moment. Harry pushed and shoved but the man didn't seem to notice or care.
He ripped at Harry's clothing, pulling them away from his shaking frame. Severus wasn't sure he could stomach watching more. The man was touching him everywhere, kissing, licking, biting. Severus could see him digging his nails into the boy as he bit him. All while wearing Remus Lupin's face. It was sick.
"Please!" Harry screamed as the man yanked his trousers' down.
"Don't worry sweet boy. I'll take good care of you." The man hummed.
Harry twisted and scraped at the stone floor trying to get away.
The legs of his underpants were pushed up his legs and the man began biting harshly at the insides of his thighs. He was holding Harry's hips so hard they were already bruising.
Severus felt bile rise in his throat.
Suddenly Harry was flipped onto his stomach and his hands were pinned at the small of his back. The man lay on top of him hissing in Harry's ear.
"You'll always be mine. The rest of the world might think you're a savior but you're not. You're barely even a wizard. Just a scrawny little fuck toy." The man growled and bit into Harry's shoulder.
Harry screamed again as the man began to pull Harry's underpants down, while still mostly on top of him.
In a moment that surprised them all the man flew off Harry and crashed spectacularly against the wall. Harry rolled over, trying to pull his clothing back in place and struggling to stand.
The man coughed from his place on the floor and Severus could see blood staining his lips.
"You little shit." The man spat, standing up and marching towards Harry who was scrambling to get away.
With a sharp kick Harry's arm made a sickening snap.
"We'll try again another time, I guess. Mood's not right tonight is it sweetheart." The man said, caressing Harry's cheek before pulling his wand and casting Coligo.
Severus felt himself falling out of the memory and back into his sitting room. The mutts both looked sick.
Severus pulled two stomach soothers from his pocket and slammed them into Remus hand before marching to his room and into the ensuite bathroom. He waved his wand and silenced the room before retching over the toilet.