She had tossed and turned all night. Sheer exhaustion would drag her off into the land of slumber, only for the nagging insecurities of her mind to startle her awake too soon afterward. This happened again and again until Rick's bedroom slowly began to fill with the morning's first light.
Rick had slept peacefully, of course, curled up against her body with his arm draped casually over her waist. His chest was pressed against her back, each soft puff of his breath skirted along the exposed skin at the back of her neck.
She found it comforting.
And that was terrifying.
She knew Rick had just been teasing her yesterday with his commentary about the perfect first date.
You did all of this of your own accord.
Kinda flies in the face of your it's just sex idea.
You want me. You want me so bad.
The truth of the matter was that he was one hundred percent correct: she wasn't acting like someone who was uncommitted, like someone who was in control of their feelings. She was acting a fool. Letting her heart lead the way, all giddy and schoolgirl-like. She was acting like someone who was actually capable of giving Rick what he wanted, what he deserved. Love.
If she were to be honest with herself, she wanted nothing more than to be that person. The idea of diving right into this with him was one that filled her stomach with butterflies and her heart with hope. But then this happened. Every single time she tried to be care free. Every single time she tried to follow her heart instead of her brain.
It happened when it was dark; when it was quiet; when Rick wasn't studying her every expression, ready to smother those first flames of doubt with his reassurances. This fear would creep in, spread into every corner of her mind like the disease it was, and send her spiralling. The voice in her head would tell her this wasn't real.
History is bound to repeat itself.
And that horrible feeling of hopelessness and inevitability sunk deep to the pit of her stomach again.
If she let herself get carried away, she was going to get hurt. Or worse: she would hurt him. And that was something she would never be able to forgive herself for.
She startled - for the umpteenth time in what felt like days, not mere hours - when she felt the flutter of Rick's lips against the base of her neck; his gentle, good morning butterfly kisses that never failed to send shivers down her spine and prickle her entire body with goosebumps. This morning was no different and, as the stubble of his unshaven chin tickled between her shoulder blades, she smiled. Despite the chaos of her mind, despite the fear that filled her, he made her smile.
Sure, she was scared. Sure, that voice in her mind was telling her that now was the time to run. And, sure, maybe this was moving entirely too fast for it to end any way other than in flames.
But maybe it wouldn't. Maybe she felt the overwhelming need to run because she had never tried it any other way. And maybe being scared was just the natural response to having found something worth losing.
She sighed and relaxed into his embrace. She loved this; she didn't think she wanted to walk away from it even if that was what was best for them both.
She placed her hand over his, at her hip, and laced their fingers together.
"Good morning," she whispered to him.
His kisses moved from the back of her neck around to the sensitive spot behind her ear and she giggled as his stubble tickled her.
"Good morning," he whispered back to her; his voice deep and gravelly from lingering traces of sleep.
And maybe just a little bit of lust.
He nibbled at the shell of her ear as his hand - still laced with hers - slipped underneath her camisole and roamed across her abs and chest.
She moaned as he massaged her breast.
"I love that sound," Rick told her. "I could get used to mornings like this."
Her heart skipped a beat - or two, or three... or eight - and suddenly it was like she couldn't breathe, like the air had been sucked right out of the room.
He noticed the change, immediately. Of course he noticed immediately. He lifted his head, craned his neck to get a better look at her.
"Kate?"
The gravel in his voice, the lust that was oozing from him: it was gone, replaced entirely by genuine concern and damn it she hated how easily he read her involuntary cues.
It's gonna hurt like hell when he walks away, that nasty little voice in her head taunted her. It's gonna hurt like hell when you lose this.
She squeezed her eyes shut, blocked out the images of Rick's worried face. But she couldn't block out his voice.
"Are you okay?"
She rolled, pushed him onto his back and threw her leg over his to straddle him. The sudden movement surprised him, threw him off enough that he didn't immediately try to stop her when she answered his question with a deceitful kiss. If he was kissing her, he wasn't asking her questions she didn't want to answer, questions she didn't know how to answer.
Because, no, she wasn't okay. And no, she didn't understand why.
But as Rick's shock wore off and he kissed her back, she found the fault in this plan. Last night, while caught up in a moment, they had set a precedent. Rick's kiss, his touch, it was all wrong. It was gentle, completely unhurried, loving.
She just needed that to stop.
She carded her fingers through his hair, pulled him closer as she turned his agonizingly affection kiss into something more ravenous, almost bruising. Faithfully, he read her cues; gripped her hips and matched her intensity. It was hot, and rough, and deliciously greedy. Desperate, and emphatic, and delectable. It was exactly what she needed: it was everything but loving.
Rick sat up, pulled away from Kate just long enough to lift her camisole over her head and carelessly toss it aside. In an instant his mouth returned to her, but not to her lips. His mouth closed over her throat and he gently nipped at her pulse-point, then soothed the sting with the lave of his tongue. He remained latched, sucking at her skin until she felt it tingle and she knew he was trying to leave his mark on her.
She palmed the back of his head, tangled her fingers through his hair before balling her fist. She tugged - forceful enough to inflict just enough pain - and pulled his head back to look her in the eye.
"What are you trying to mark your territory or something?" she asked him.
He smiled a dishonestly coy smile and shrugged. "Maybe."
Her heart fluttered again. And her mind screamed.
"I'm not yours," she whispered.
She expected to see something on his face, in his eyes. Hurt, or annoyance, or even sadness. She saw nothing; nothing but a slight smirk.
And her stomach flipped. Again and again, until she felt nauseous.
She didn't want to know what that meant. Was he calling her bluff? Or did he believe her lies, testing her, relieved to see that the events of last night hadn't changed anything for her?
When he opened his mouth, undoubtedly ready to spill some sort of witty retort, she slanted her mouth over his and swallowed his words.
Something within him awakened - some primal instinct - and he flipped them, pinned her to the mattress with her hands above her head. His lips were rough against hers as he kissed her, but only for a moment before he descended to plant open-mouth kisses against her jawline, her neck, her collarbone. Her wrist ached under his grip but she didn't care: this was better. A battle of two bodies; fighting for control, fighting for release.
She knew it was a matter of semantics but if it felt like this was just sex (and definitely, absolutely, positively not making love), then maybe she could convince herself that she wasn't spiralling out of control, that she wasn't falling for this man when she was far from ready to be falling in love again.
When he released her wrists in favour of roaming the curves of her body as he kissed every bared inch of flesh, she reached for his bedside drawer and blindly felt around for the box of condoms kept there.
Barriers. She needed her barriers back: both emotional and physical.
It was a slip of the tongue, she was sure. He didn't actually mean it. But, still, the words had been said. A quiet, breathless utterance that seemed to freeze time itself.
Well, for her, anyway. Rick didn't even seem to notice his slip of the tongue. He rolled over, slipped out from under the sheets and practically strutted toward his shower without a single word.
Maybe she had misheard. Or maybe she had imagined it completely.
Regardless, she needed to get away.
Rick came out of the bathroom - dressed in boxers and a clean, white shirt; his hair dripping from his shower - as she was stuffing the last of her belongings into her backpack.
"What's this?" he asked curiously.
Kate stopped her hurried packing, stayed still enough that he might think she was actually frozen. Her eyes scanned his face as she remained silent and hoped he could fill in the blanks.
He did.
"You're leaving."
Her eyes darted to her backpack, at the jeans half hanging out of the unzipped compartment. She stuffed them in.
"Wouldn't want to outstay my welcome," she mumbled in attempt to keep her departure light-hearted.
She didn't want to throw this away. She just... needed space.
"Have a done something to make you feel like you have?"
Not at all. The opposite, in fact.
She shook her head, zipped up her backpack.
"No. You haven't. I just-" She inhaled, looked everywhere except at him. "I mean, Alexis is back tomorrow anyway, so..."
She let her words trail off; it's not like she had an actual excuse to vocalise anyway.
Rick stayed silent, stayed staring. She could feel him studying her for what felt like forever. It was unnerving, to say the least. She felt like a suspect being interrogated; she had a newfound understanding of why so many of them cracked so easily.
"Rick-"
He cut her off. "Is this about last night?"
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
"You regret it," he answered for her.
But he was wrong.
Maybe.
"No," she said as confidently as she could. She even shook her head for emphasis. She could tell he wasn't convinced. "I don't regret it. However, it maybe wasn't the smartest decision."
"Okay," he said slowly, drawing the syllables out to buy more time to gather his thoughts. "So, we made a decision in the heat of the moment because we trust each other, right?"
Her head bobbed in agreement, without her permission. She did trust him. You know, before that stupid voice told her not to. Even then, she'd argue with that voice until the end of time. She trusted Rick. Right?
"But just because we did something once doesn't mean we have to do it again. I mean, I personally had no intention of that happening again."
"Rick-"
"Safety first, and all."
"Rick."
"Kate."
She sighed. "It's not that."
It was that, though. At least, that was part of it.
"Then what is it?"
Kate sunk her teeth into her bottom lip to keep it from trembling; dropped her eyes to the ground to stop Rick from studying them.
"All of it," she confessed. "I shouldn't have taken you there."
"You said you wanted to share it with me." The shake in his voice broke her heart. "I'm glad you did."
"It's just a stupid river but-" She looked up to meet his eyes. "It's like a sacred place to me, you know?"
She could see that he was trying to understand. God, if only she was better at this, better at explaining the mess of thoughts swirling around in her mind.
"And now-" She shook her head. "Now it's tainted."
"Tainted?" He spat the word as if it tasted bitter.
It's not what she meant. The words just weren't coming out right, but she couldn't stop. "Every time I go there, I'm only going to be able to think about you, and me, and the stars."
Good god, the stars. It really had been perfect. Romantic.
Her heart fluttered and she placed her hand over it, as if the soft touch had any power to tame it.
Why couldn't she stop this? Why couldn't she douse this fear before she allowed it to ruined a good thing?
"I still don't-" Rick paused, regathered his thoughts. "I'm sorry, Kate. I'm trying. But I don't see the issue."
Because there wasn't an issue, not a real one anyway. She was fabricating an excuse, something that seemed more reasonable than I'm scared.
And in her silence, he must have pieced together the clues.
Rick sighed a heavy, exasperated sigh. "I'm an idiot."
He turned and began to walk away.
Guilt stabbed uncomfortably between her ribs. Her mind barked orders.
Leave.
Apologise.
Never come back.
Fix this.
It was overwhelming. Confusing. Nauseating.
Suddenly, Rick turned on his heel and strode toward her.
"This is bullshit!" he asserted with a finger pointed to her.
He wasn't shouting, barely even raised his voice, but he wasn't hiding his frustration. She couldn't blame him.
Kate stepped in his direction. "Rick-"
"No, hear me out."
She stopped, let him speak.
"I have done everything you have asked of me. Every step of this has been at your pace because I never wanted you to feel pressured into something you weren't ready for but you have known this whole damn time what I wanted from you, Kate, and it was heavily implied that you wanted that too. You said you needed time: I gave you that. You were the one who told me not to stop trying, you were the one who kissed me at Conrad's party and again as we were leaving Ned's building. Why? Why, if you didn't want this, would you do that?"
Kate shook her head and tried desperately to bury every ounce of emotion that was rising in her throat like bile.
"You don't understand," she whispered.
"But I do," he argued. "I do understand, Kate. I understand that at any point you could have said 'I changed my mind' or 'this is moving too fast' but instead you let it all happen. In fact, you were the propelling force behind all of this. What was your plan, Kate? To lead me on? To hurt me because someone else hurt you?"
"No," she cried.
"Then what?"
She squeezed her eyes shut to keep her tears from falling, shook her head as if that would somehow help.
It didn't.
She felt Rick's hand on her arm. He pulled her in but she resisted, pushed herself away instead.
And regretted it the moment she did.
Rick sighed and let her go.
"I love you, Kate."
And there it was again, the utterance. This time it was said with conviction. Not a slip of the tongue, but a heartfelt confession.
"Push me away if that's what you have to do," he said sadly. "But I know you feel it, too."
Stubborn until her last breath, she looked at him. "Do I?"
But they both knew the truth. She felt it.
"Yes," he shot down her defiance with an unequivocal answer. "It's in your eyes. They scream the words that you're too afraid to say out loud."
She clenched her jaw and shook her head.
No, she couldn't say it out loud. She couldn't even acknowledge it to herself.
She wasn't in love. Love only ever led to one thing.
Heartache.
"Are you done?" she asked with her new, steely composure.
"I guess."
She grabbed her backpack, tossed it over her shoulder. "I should go."
"Yeah. Maybe you should."
Lanie's apartment seemed cold in comparison. Small, dark and cold.
Or maybe it was just lonely. It would be hours before Lanie was home, most likely soon followed by Esposito.
Kate had made the mistake of texting Lanie the general plan: Alexis gone until Wednesday, will possibly stay until then. Lanie had replied with some highly suggestive comment about getting plenty of bed rest, and that she would see her on Wednesday.
So, she had four hours to come up with a reasonable excuse as to why she was back here early.
And why Rick wasn't with her.
And why they'd probably never see him again.
She tossed her backpack onto the couch - she'd deal with that later - and then flopped down beside it.
Everything was still.
Everything was silent.
Everything was too much.
She tucked her feet up underneath her, rested her head against one of the sofa cushions and allowed herself to break. She needed to get it all out before she had to face her friend.
Kate had not long stepped out of the shower when she heard them arrive. She could hear them happily chattering away as they filed into the apartment, one after another.
Lanie, Espo, Ryan and Jenny. Because of course they were all here.
She stood in front of the mirror and studied her reflection. In her pyjama shorts and spaghetti-strap crop, the bruising of her injuries stared back at her angrily but they were nothing compared to the wounds she carried on the inside. Thankfully, the hot shower had helped ease the puffiness of her face after an afternoon of tears but her eyes were still red-rimmed. Maybe, if she said she was just tired...
But Lanie would know. Lanie always knew. Her best friend had the uncanny ability to read her mind, she was sure of it.
"Beckett?" She heard Lanie call out. She must have seen Kate's backpack (still not unpacked) on the couch.
Kate grabbed the sweatshirt she had brought in here - the one she had borrowed from Rick - and pulled it over her head, trying desperately to ignore how pathetic she felt for wearing it. For needing to wear it. But it still smelled like him, and the smell of him comforted her like nothing else could.
She took a deep breath, gave herself a final once over in the mirror and readied herself to face her friends.
When she opened the bathroom door, she was met by four smiling faces. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits, a vast difference from the last time they had all been together just days ago, when they had all been forcing smiles in an attempt to push past what had happened.
"How was your sleepover with Writer Boy?" Lanie asked teasingly.
Jenny smiled at her. "We want all the details!"
Kate wanted to laugh with them, to roll her eyes and pretend that she was going to ignore their prying for totally logical reasons. Instead, her eyes began to water and she had to sink her teeth painfully into her bottom lip to stop it's hopeless quivering. Shit, was she really about to cry... again... in front of everyone?
"Sweetie, are you okay?" Lanie asked.
Her friend's soft, nurturing tone of voice tipped her over the edge and Kate let out a watery sounding laugh. She backed up into the bathroom, turned and pushed the door shut to avoid the first tears falling in front of her audience.
But the door never closed behind her.
Lanie pushed her way through, grabbed Kate's arm and pulled on it, forcing her to turn around.
Kate heard the door click shut as she all but fell into Lanie's arms.
"I messed up." The confession came out as a strangled whisper. "I ruined everything."
It took several minutes of Lanie hushing and soothing her, rubbing her hand up and down Kate's spine, but eventually Kate pulled herself together enough to explain to her friend what had happened.
She explained everything.
That first night: the candlelight; Coltrane; the air scents that she had mentioned just once and he remembered; the sex.
She praised him for the next day when he had endured half a day of furniture shopping with her, being so incredibly patient as she ummed and ahhed over the choices. How, when he noticed she was in pain, he ran her a soothing bubble bath and stayed with her as she vented her concerns about the aftermath of the incident. She recalled how he listened so intently to her, how he didn't try to offer her solutions, just an understanding ear.
She talked about the night spent with Alexis; how easy and fun it had been, and how much it hurt her to see Rick so upset for his daughter. And then she unloaded her frustrations about Meredith. Flaky, entitled Meredith. She explained the history there, the sex toy comment that she still didn't really want to think about but knew undoubtedly had contributed in some way to her freak out.
And then she told Lanie about the perfect date, about opening up this secret part of her life for Rick to explore and how it just felt so right for him to be there with her. With new tears in her eyes, she told her friend about how they made love - because yes, apparently now she could admit that that's what it was - under the stars, how he made her feel so safe, so comfortable, so loved.
"Something changed," she concluded. "It's like we were walking back to Rick's car and I just suddenly realised."
"Realised what?" Lanie asked, softly urging her to continue.
Kate wiped the back of her hands across her cheeks to get rid of the last traces of her tears. "That I never meant for any of this to happen. It just... did."
"I thought you wanted a relationship with Rick."
"I did. I do," she corrected herself. "I just- I didn't mean for this to happen yet. We talked about it, he was on board with waiting. But then I just-"
She cut herself off with a heavy sigh.
"You fell for him," Lanie finished for her.
Kate looked down at her hands, watched intently as she twisted an invisible ring on her finger. "He loves me."
Lanie's silence told her everything she needed to know: this was big. And she had royally screwed up.
"And I just ran. I don't even know why I'm running. One minute I'm convinced he's going to be another Adam, that he's going to be the one to hurt me. And then the next I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt him and somehow I feel like I hate that possibility even more. He doesn't deserve that, doesn't deserve someone who is so... fragile. I just feel like, no matter how hard we try, this is going to end in pain."
"Only if you let it," Lanie said sympathetically. "You've got demons, girl. We all do. But we're not supposed to let them win. You've never been one to rush into relationships. This thing that you have with Rick, it's a lot. It's intense and it's moving very quickly for someone such as yourself who is used to always being... let's say cautious. Your heart is still healing, I understand why you're scared to take a risk, but I really don't think Rick has any issue with helping you heal. In fact, I think he's doing a pretty damn good job of it."
A soft knock at the door saved Kate from having to think too hard about her friend's words.
"Beckett?" Ryan said from the other side of the door. "I, uh- I'm sorry to interrupt but, uh, Castle's here."
Kate's mouth went dry and her heart began to race. She wasn't ready for this.
Lanie, apparently, didn't care whether she was ready or not. She reached for the bathroom door and pulled it open.
Ryan looked like a deer caught in the headlights having obviously not expected the door to fly open. He and Lanie stared at one another for a few seconds before Lanie placed her hands on his arms and practically pushed him out of the way. As they moved aside, Rick came into view.
He was standing awkwardly by the couch; Esposito standing by his side with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face: the protective brother she had never had. With a single look, she told Espo to stand down and he did. He moved to stand off tot he side with Lanie and the others, much to Rick's relief.
Kate stepped as far as the bathroom door, but couldn't quite bring herself to cross over that invisible boundary. She felt safe in here.
Rick held up a short, white cord. "You left your phone charger at my place," he said casually.
But Kate knew, without a doubt, that she hadn't. Even in her rush to escape, she had been thorough in making sure she hadn't left anything behind.
That was when she remembered the night he had left his tuxedo jacket hanging over the dining chair, claiming it's better to have an excuse. She'd play along, if that's what he needed. It was the least she could do for him.
"Silly me," she said softly as she stepped out of the bathroom and took the cable from his hand.
He shrugged. "It happens. We slip up sometimes, when we rush things."
His words were laced with double meaning but noticeably lacked accusation. It was almost an apology, like admitting that maybe they had both slipped up.
"I may have freaked out a little bit," she whispered. Another apology that wasn't actually an apology.
"Really?" Rick asked sarcastically. "You hid it so well! I never would have known."
And she smiled.
Damn him and his ability to make her smile.
Rick smiled too, but only for a second before growing serious again. "I shouldn't have pushed."
"You didn't."
"I did something that had you running for the hills," he said with a slight chuckle.
Forced, obviously, but she appreciated him trying to keep it light.
She shook her head. "It's not that simple, Rick. It's nothing you did. I promise."
But they both knew otherwise.
He did do something. He loved her; and he had the gall to actually say it.
Rick stepped forward and cautiously - more cautiously than he had been in weeks - placed his hand on her waist and pulled her just that little bit closer.
She'd be lying if she said his touch and the close proximity didn't instantly make her feel just a little bit better.
"Kate, I understand your concerns, I really do."
"I know you do."
"But I- uh." His voice wavered and he looked down to his feet, almost as if he was trying to hide the disappointment on his face. "This isn't working."
Her heart stopped, she was sure of it. Because it had been beating so hard and so fast that she could feel it in her throat and now, now she felt nothing. She tried to say something, but nothing came out.
She watched as Rick looked over his shoulder; her eyes followed to find her friends so intently listening to them.
As if they had only just realised that maybe this was meant to be a private conversation, they scattered. Not that there was really anywhere for them to go. Lanie herded them into the kitchen, giving Kate and Rick at least the illusion of some modicum of privacy.
Rick turned his attention back to Kate; she returned her focus to him.
"I need more," he admitted. "But if you can't give me that, then I need less."
Kate shook her head, she didn't understand.
"I want to be your friend; I'm not saying it has to be all or nothing," he explained. "But where we are now- I'm sorry, I thought I could but I just can't ignore how I feel about you. I thought that we were on the same page, you know? I felt like you were opening the door to let me in but then the second I got too close you just, you slammed it in my face. I think maybe we both just need a little break."
"A break?"
"Just a few days. I'm headed to Vegas, anyway, so I thought-"
Kate shook her head. "Hold on, what? You're going to Vegas?"
"I got a call from my publicist a few hours ago. There's an opening on Celebrity Hold 'Em with my name on it, apparently."
"I have no idea what that means."
"Celebrity Hold 'Em? It's poker. But for charity. Whoever wins the pot gets to donate the money to a charity of their choice. Anyway, I figured Alexis is with Meredith and, I don't know, maybe a few days of distractions will stop me from going stir-crazy while you do whatever it is you need to do."
Distractions. That felt... heavy, but she didn't want to linger on that feeling for too long.
"O-okay."
"I'll be back in time to help you move, don't worry." Rick cupped her face and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. "I'll see you on the weekend, okay?"
Kate nodded and he left.
A/N: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It just... it had to happen. I'm sorry.
Your comments on the last chapter were so lovely and please just know that every time I read your kind words I felt soooooo guilty that I actually considered rewriting this. But, as I said, it had to happen. Please forgive me!
The next chapter is coming soon! (like, in a couple of days. It's written... I just don't know if I'm 100% happy with it). Maybe it'll be better... I make no promises though! haha.