One thing Kate could always count on was Lanie's uncanny ability to know exactly what was going on in this messy mind of hers.
Rick was here, by her side. Not mad, not upset, not telling her that she had ruined everything by running. He had camped out for her, spent the night curled up on those horribly uncomfortable airport chairs for her. Sure enough, Esposito had found a picture that someone had taken and shared online for all to see. The sight of Rick leaning his head back uncomfortably and using his jacket as a blanket made her throat feel drier than the Sahara and her eyes prickled with the threat of tears. Her heart had been pounding erratically ever since and she was certain she couldn't bring herself to speak actual words even if she had tried.
That was why she ate her pizza in silence. Well, the several small bites she managed were nibbled in silence. Because he was here, and she didn't want to say something stupid and risk ruining it again.
The rest of her friends seemed utterly uneffected by her silence. They happily chattered away as they devoured the greasy slices of dinner. They asked about Rick's trip, about his poker game and what else he got up to while visiting Sin City. He kept his answers short, simple: he missed home. He asked Ryan and Jenny about the wedding planning: asked if Jenny was still having issues with her sister; asked if Ryan was still stressing about it all and then told the frazzled groom-to-be the moment you turn and see that beautiful woman walking down that aisle, looking at you like no one else in that room even exists, nothing else will even matter. As he spoke the words, his hand - that had been resting on her hip throughout dinner - gave her a gentle squeeze and a kaleidoscope of butterflies took flight within her.
Oh God, she was going to burst. Into a fit of laughter or a sobbing mess on the floor; that was the only question.
Kate looked across her dining table to see Lanie watching her intently, a smirk on her face and knowing eyes.
"Thanks for dinner, girl," Lanie said as soon as there was a lull in conversation. "We should be going."
Kate practically jumped out of her seat. "I really appreciate your help today," she said genuinely. She looked to her friends, who were looking up at her with soft smiles. "All of you. I'm pretty much useless right now; I wouldn't have been able to do it without you guys so I really do appreciate you all showing up for me."
"That's what partners are for," Ryan said as he stood. Once he was closer to Kate he lowered his voice a little and said, "Besides, couldn't have you injuring yourself again. I don't think I could deal with another two weeks of just this guy." He pointed a thumb in Espo's direction.
Espo shot back a glare in return and Kate brought her hand to her mouth, hiding her smile.
She'd missed her boys, she couldn't wait to be back at work.
But right now she needed them gone.
She needed to be alone with Rick: to hold him, to breathe him in; to talk and to not talk. There was too much nervous energy coursing through her body; she needed to get rid of it somehow.
"Do you need us to come back tomorrow and help unpack these last few boxes?" Jenny asked as the five of them moved toward Kate's front door.
Kate shook her head. "I think I'm good from here, thank you."
"Okay, just give us a call if you need." Ryan waved goodbye and then grabbed his fiance's hand and led her toward the elevator.
"Yo!" Esposito called out to his partner. "Wait for us."
Lanie gave Kate a hug before following her boyfriend. "Have fun," she sung over her shoulder as she walked away.
Kate shut the door, turned around to face the one person left in her apartment. Rick was already keeping himself busy - and making himself at home - tidying up the aftermath of their dinner. Leftovers condensed to one pizza box and tucked away in the fridge; scraps, napkins and other rubbish in the trash. She tucked her hands behind her back and leant against the door as she watched him dampen a cloth and wipe down the table. She certainly could get used to the sight.
Finally, he noticed her staring and smiled as he looked up to meet her eyes. "Everything okay?"
He walked back to the kitchen, tossed the cloth into the sink and then dried his hands on the hand towel.
"I'm fine," she answered as she pushed herself off from the door.
"You seem deep in thought," he commented. He started to walk toward her.
"Just tired."
Rick shook his head. "Uh-uh, we've been here before and I don't know about you but I really didn't like where that led us."
He smiled, chuckled a little at the words he hoped she would take as a joke, but she felt the mistrust that lingered between them. She hated that; hated that he now doubted her as much as she sometimes doubted herself. So, no, she wouldn't laugh at his joke. She wouldn't let him laugh it off and make this easier for her.
He deserved better than that.
She screwed up. The least she could do was own it.
"I'm just really glad you came back," she said softly, now that he stood close enough to hear her words without her having to project them.
"Did you think I wouldn't?" he asked her.
She looked into his eyes; ocean blue and dangerously alluring. She shrugged, tried to act nonchalant but the knowledge that she was most definitely going to ruin this sat so heavily in her heart that she sometimes found it hard to breathe.
"I wouldn't have blamed you," she whispered shakily.
Rick closed the space between them, curled his palm around the back of her neck and looked so deeply into her eyes. His thumb brushed along her jaw.
"Kate-"
But she silenced his words with the shake of her head. "I am so sorry."
"You already apologised."
"And it's not enough," she declared.
It would never be enough.
She brought her hand to her cheek, stopped the motion of his thumb as she curled her fingers around it. Then, she turned her head and pressed her lips to the pad of his thumb, to the palm of his hand.
Rick pulled her forward and slanted his mouth over hers; she kissed him back with purpose. She wanted to pour all of the emotion she had felt over these past few days; all of the longing, all of the desire, all of the regret and sorrow and anguish. Her words would never be enough to adequately express how sorry she was; she wanted him to feel it, to trust it.
Kate took a small step back, let their joined hands drop between them before she laced her fingers through Rick's and led him upstairs to the bedroom. Without a word, he followed her. Once at the top of the stairs, she turned to face him and kept her eyes on him as she walked backward toward her bed.
In the dark, his eyes remained fixed on hers. The light from below them filtered softly through the partition that blocked her bedroom off from the rest of the apartment. It cast shadows across her face but added a little extra glitter to her already sparkling eyes. The writer within him - the curious nature that he rarely denied - ached to take in their surroundings, to study this space that was so intimately her, but he couldn't tear his eyes from hers even if he tried.
She stopped when her heels hit the base of her bed, and he took one more small step closer until their bodies were pressed together. His hands found their place on her hips and she looped her arms around his neck, holding herself closer to him.
"We need to talk," he said. His voice was gruff, thick with desire and his eyes dropped to her lips.
"We will," she promised.
Her hands snaked over his shoulders and down his chest until her fingers found the buttons of his shirt and began to expertly pop them open. He brought his hands up, placed them over hers to still her movements.
"I can't do this until I know," he warned. He closed his eyes and took one slow, steady breath before opening them again. "I need to know you're not going to run again."
Kate shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere, Rick."
He had told himself, again and again, that he had to be strong.
Don't let her off too easy.
She owes you an explanation.
She'll walk all over you if you let her.
But there was a sincerity in her voice that he just couldn't deny. He had seen it on her face when he had told her that he thought they needed a break: she was just as scared of losing this as he was. And, since his arrival home just hours ago, she had barely left his side: she had missed him. Maybe even as much as he had missed her.
It may have made him naive - it may have made him an outright idiot - but he trusted her.
And he wanted her.
His lips were on hers in an instant, greedy for her: her touch and her taste, her body on his. He needed it all, needed her.
Her nimble fingers unbuttoned his shirt with ease. She pressed her hands to his bare chest, smoothed her palms across the breadth of shoulders and stripped off his shirt. As soon as he was freed from the material, he gripped at the hem of her shirt and pulled away from her just enough to lift the soft cotton over her head.
He rushed back to her as the material dropped between them. His lips ghosted along her neck and she tilted her head back to grant him better access. Her fingertips dug into his back as he worked to turn her breathy sighs into satisfied moans. He nipped at her pulse point before soothing the spot with the gentle lave of his tongue, and was rewarded by a long, low moan that only encouraged him further. His fingers combed through her hair and brought her lips back to his. His kiss was a little rough but she didn't care; they were both too desperate for connection to be tender right now.
She felt his hands on her; they seemed to be everywhere at once - her back, her hips, her hair - as he pulled her closer and pressed his body to hers, stoking the fire within. She reached for his pants, undid his belt and zip before impatiently pulling them from his hips. They dropped to the floor and he stepped out of them, kicking them aside. As soon as they were out of the way, his hands ghosted down her sides: she shivered at the delicateness of his touch.
It changed everything: they way they kissed; the way they touched; the way they moved. It all slowed down. It was like they both suddenly realised that there was no need to rush, like time had stopped just for them.
Rick pulled back, just enough to look into her eyes. He moulded his palm to the side of her face, traced his thumb along the curve of her bottom lip.
"I missed you," he whispered.
Kate smiled and her grip on his forearm tightened almost imperceptibly. "I missed you, too."
But her smile faltered and faded away as her eyes fluttered shut and she shook her head slightly. Just three days, and she had missed him so much her stomach churned at the memories of those long, lonely few days with no work to keep her mind occupied.
God, when had she become so dependant on his company? As if he had always just been there; as if going weeks at a time without seeing each other hadn't been the norm for this relationship thus far: his touring, her working. She'd spent four nights with him and that, apparently, was enough to change everything for her.
She'd always had trouble trusting in those quick changes, though.
Adam was a quick change. He came out of nowhere, told her she could depend on him and then he was gone again in a flash.
Rick leaned in and brushed his lips against her uncovered cheek. "It's okay," he assured her. Then she felt his thumb swipe underneath her eye and damn it she was crying. "You can talk to me, Kate."
She shook her head. "I just don't want to mess this up," she confessed.
"Then don't."
She pulled away, looked up at his bright blue eyes that seemed to pierce through all of her defences. "It's not that easy."
"Why not?"
Kate shook her head, opened her mouth but no words would come out.
"You can tell me anything," he said softly. "You know that, right?"
She nodded without even thinking about it because she did know that. From the moment she had met him, she had felt safe enough to talk to him. She had opened up to him about things she would usually keep locked away for months, years even. But she didn't want to tell him the things she knew he wouldn't want to hear, the things that might hurt him.
"I don't think I'm good enough for you." She blurted the admission.
Rick frowned. "What?"
"You've been divorced twice," she stated. "Heartbroken god knows how many times. And yet you love like you've never been hurt before. I can't do that."
"I'm not asking you to," he reminded her.
Kate shook her head and rushed to close the small amount of space they had created between themselves. She framed his face with her hands and soothed her thumbs over his cheekbones.
"I know," she assured him. "I know you're not. But you deserve someone who can."
"I want you," he said firmly.
His frustration was obvious; he thought she was trying to tell him she couldn't be that person for him - even after her assurance that she wasn't going anywhere - and it was evident that he vehemently objected to that notion. His defiance worked to boost her confidence, encouraged her to push through.
"I want to be that person," she corrected his assumption with a smile. "I wish that I was that person right now but I'm just not there yet. I mean-" She took a slow, steady breath. "I wanted everything with him. We were talking marriage and babies just hours before I- before I found out."
The break in her voice shattered his heart. He reached for her, wrapped his arms around her body as if that could protect her from the heartache she had already endured.
"My whole world changed for him and I just- I thought I'd have time to find myself again before I felt even remotely close to-" To falling in love again. But she couldn't bring herself to say the words aloud. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"It's okay." He held her tighter as he buried the anger he felt toward the man who had promised her the world with no intentions of giving it to her.
Kate wrapped her arms around Rick and pressed her cheek to his chest. "You make me happy, Rick."
To her, that didn't seem like nearly enough. But to Rick, those words were everything.
"Just... promise me one thing?"
She pulled back to look up at him. "Anything."
"Keep talking to me. I understanding wanting to hold back a little bit but... doesn't it feel better to get it off your chest?"
Kate nodded. "It does. But-" she waited for his attention to pique. "I don't want to hold back."
"No?"
"I think it's inevitable that I'm going to freak out again," she warned him. These insecurities weren't going to be an overnight fix, after all. But that didn't mean she could wade in the swallow water, right? "I thought that keeping you at an arms length would help me feel a little more..."
"In control of your feelings?" Rick answered with a smirk when she hesitated.
She smiled. "Yeah. But that obviously didn't work so... maybe we could try this a little differently?"
"I think I'd like that."
Kate stepped to the side and Rick reluctantly dropped his arms, watching as she moved toward her dresser drawers. She opened the top, right drawer and then looked back at him with a soft smile on her face.
He walked over to join her. When he looked into the drawer, it was practically empty. The only items inside of it were the jumper he had leant Kate - the one she had been wearing the other night, that made him want to call Paula and tell her that there was no way he could possibly leave when it had been so obvious that the woman he loved had been crying and (whether she wanted to admit it or not) needed him to comfort her - and a white plastic bag.
"What's this?"
"This is me... not holding back," she said.
Rick narrowed his eyes as he tried to study her face for answers. His mind could run off with a million theories on what she was trying to tell him right now but there was a very good chance that he - once again - was a few steps ahead of Kate. He hooked a finger over the drawer to the left and tugged it open slightly: it was full. He did the same to the second drawer on the right: full. This one had been purposely kept empty.
"For me?" he asked cautiously.
"If you want it," she answered, just as cautious.
He hovered his hand over the plastic bag. "Is this for me, too?"
Kate nodded. "I thought you might need it."
Taking that as permission to open it, he pulled the bag from the draw and peeked inside. Shampoo and conditioner; his favourite body wash; a comb; razors; deodorant. A practical gift, really. Something that could have been shrugged off as being for efficiency or convenience, but he knew it meant more than that.
She wanted him here, wanted to share her space and make sure he knew he was a welcome guest in her home.
"You didn't have to do this," was the first words he managed to actually get out. "You don't have to prove anything to me."
"I wanted to." Kate wrapped her arm around Rick's and rested her head against his bicep. "I really enjoyed staying with you and I was hoping that, now that I'm no longer couch surfing, maybe you'd want to stay here with me sometimes."
"Sometimes?" He scoffed. "Good luck getting rid of me now!"
He tossed the bag back into the drawer then turned, pulled her closer and kissed her deeply for just a few seconds. Then, he pulled away.
"Except, you know, I have a daughter that I can't really just abandon."
Kate laughed. "And I work night shift sometimes."
"And then there's the inevitable freak outs when you're probably going to want a little space," he added with a smirk.
She shook her head and pressed her lips into a tight line. But if she were to be honest with herself, she was glad he could joke about it. If reassured her that, so long as she was able to keep talking to him, this thing they were building together might actually weather the storm of her mind.
"Hey, Rick?"
"Yeah?"
She slipped her hand into the plastic bag and felt around for the box she knew was in there somewhere. When she found it, she pulled it out and looked at Rick suggestively.
"I find myself in a very giving mood," she told him before walking back to the end of her bed. "Maybe you should come take full advantage of that."
Rick prowled toward her, shook his head. "No."
"No?"
He curved his palm around the back of her neck and took the box of condoms from her with the other. Then he closed his mouth over her throat, felt the flutter of her pulse against his tongue as he pressed it to her skin.
"You already gave me something," he whispered in her ear. "Now it's my turn."
He had expected her usual, dominating self to deny him. Maybe even a hesitant compromise with "me first". So, when the moan that escaped her sounded suspiciously like an enthusiastic yes, he was momentarily stunned. He pulled back so that he could see her face, to make sure he hadn't misheard.
She was so beautiful, smiling up at him with those bright, dazzling eyes of hers. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and he realised that, no, he hadn't misheard. She was waiting for him to take the lead, giving herself to him fully; relinquishing the control she always grasped to so tight.
She trusted him.
She wasn't holding back.
He held her waist as he moved them onto the bed. She sunk into the mattress as he settled his weight on between her thighs. He kissed her, slow and thorough, setting the pace for what was to come. He knew that she would usually keep things playful, fast, but that night in the pickup - when they slowed down, really allowed themselves to get lost in one another - well, he just couldn't get that night out of his mind.
If it was too much for her, if she needed to stop then he would, of course. But he wanted to make love to her, wanted to show her that she could let go, and feel things, and still have fun. He wanted to be the one to show her that trusting someone - trusting him - to know what she liked, to read her body's cues and give her exactly what she desired could be the best damn thing she might ever do.
He broke away from her lips and trailed slow, wet kisses all the way from her jaw down to her navel before he pulled himself to his knees. He smiled down at her; he could stare at her forever. It did something to him - to his heart, to his soul - every time he saw her like this: exposed; vulnerable; looking up at him with eyes shining, equal parts lust and adoration. But right now, it was obvious she wasn't trying to contain that emotion as much: the adoration.
He loved this. He loved her.
He flicked open the button of her jeans and pulled the denim from her hips. She shifted to assist and, when he finally got the tight material over her ankles and tossed it away, she giggled at his enthusiasm. But her giggles came to abrupt end when he dropped his mouth to hers, silenced her with the slow dance of his tongue.
Rick savoured each sigh, each moan, each involuntary shiver as his hands skated over her skin. It was all so very intoxicating.
Kate's leg wrapped around his waist, her ankle hooked behind his thigh in a move he recognised. He smiled against her lips as he waited and, sure enough, he pulled him closer and lifted her hips to meet his.
But just as quickly as she had tried to take control, she gave it up again. She dropped her foot to the mattress with a sighed oh.
Rick chuckled against her lips, dropped his forehead against hers. "You were doing so well," he teased.
She brushed her lips along the stubble on his cheek, buying herself a beat or two to catch her breath. "I'm sor-"
He smothered her words with his kiss; quick and bruising and gone too soon.
"Stop apologising to me, Kate," he ordered. He slipped his hand beneath her and she arched her back to ease his quest to unclasp her bra. "I know you're sorry."
He slipped the straps of her bra down her arms and tossed it aside to join her jeans, wherever they had landed. Then he dipped his head, teased her with his tongue. He left a wet trail of kisses across her chest when he moved his focus to her other breast, gave it the same attention until he had drawn out the most delicious sounds from her.
She whimpered as he released her from his mouth, watched as he pressed kisses to her torso that were as delicate as butterfly wings. His eyes met hers and she could see his lips curve into a smile as they pressed against her skin. Her heart fluttered and heat washed over her. She wanted him, all of him, now. But he wasn't ready to give in to her just yet. He hooked his fingers over the band of her underwear and slowly pulled them down her thighs, following their path with his kiss. Once the garment was gone he moved back up her body, peppering the opposite leg - from her ankle, to her calf, to the inside of her knee - with butterfly kisses.
In the mood to tease, he paid attention to all the sensitive spots he had learned over their nights together: her thighs, her hipbones, just underneath her navel. He nipped and licked and sucked until she squirmed beneath him, almost crawling out of her skin with anticipation.
He smiled at the thought, loved the fact that it must be driving her wild trying to keep herself from grabbing a fist full of his hair and guiding him exactly where she so desperately wanted him.
"You're so slow," she whined, as if she could read his mind. But she was breathless, her voice dripping with desire. "Are you enjoying torturing me?" she asked.
She already knew the answer, though. They both did.
"I am, actually," he answered with a chuckle.
Kate combed her fingers through his hair, from front to back, and then fisted her hand in an act of defiance. But she waited.
"You want me... here?" Rick asked before dipping his head to press a gentle kiss to her right thigh.
Kate shook her head.
"Here?" he asked again, this time pressing a gentle kiss to her left thigh.
She shook her head again, but smiled because he was getting closer. So close.
"Here?"
His lips ghosted over her core and the warmth of his exhaled breath skirted across her skin. Goosebumps erupted across her body and she let out a shaky sigh; her eyes fluttered shut. He hummed as he closed his mouth over her, tasted her need for him. The soft vibrations had her bowing off the bed, gripping the covers beside her. "Yes."
Good lord, she had him trained so well already.
The way he waited for her, pressed gentle kisses against her skin as she came down from her high, awaiting her next instructions; it would be easy to convince herself he was subservient by nature. But she knew better than that. She could tell, from that very first night, that he was just as dominating as she. She had assumed that it would become an issue if they even attempted anything more permanent but - as if it were his sole purpose in life - he had proven her wrong.
That was how it worked with her, though. Men either yielded, or they walked.
I don't submit.
Yet, here she was.
Rick had her hands pinned above her head, his fingers laced through hers. He surrounded her in every way: the scent of his cologne; the heat of his body; the sounds of his desire; all working together to overwhelm her, to heighten her, to undo her completely. Each kiss was short, their desperation making them messy and unable to focus on anything other than the way their bodies moved together, the way it felt to be so connected and in tune with one another, so completely lost in a moment.
So completely lost in each other.
Her legs tightened around his waist as she tumbled over the edge and he slipped his hand from hers, cradled her cheek and he pressed his forehead against hers as he came undone with her.
They stayed close, just breathing each other in as they basked in the afterglow.
"You're perfect," Rick panted against her neck, still fighting to catch his breath.
Kate giggled: she loved this part, when he was still hazy and unfiltered. He would spill each thought as it popped into his mind, as if he just couldn't stop the confessions tumbling from his lips.
His last confession had caught her off guard, for sure, but that was only because she hadn't been expecting it. She couldn't be blamed for that, surely. Only a crazy person - someone who was absolutely certifiable - could leap from 'sometimes it's just sex' to 'I love you' in a matter of weeks. But he had said it with such certainty and he had made no attempt to take it back, not even after she reacted the way she did. But there were three things that she knew for sure: one, Richard Castle was (especially when it came to love) absolutely certifiable; two, he was in love with her; and three, she was able to exist with those words in the world until she was ready to say them back.
She looked down at the man who was drifting off to sleep on her chest and smiled as one more thing became abundantly clear to her: she wanted to say those words back.
One day, soon, she would.
A/N: I just want to thank Mads for the absolutely perfect "she can exist with those words in the world until she was ready to say them back". From the moment I read those words I was obsessed and I just knew I needed them in this moment! Thank you so much for allowing me to borrow your words! You have no idea how much I appreciate your support - from putting up with my ranting to helping me get these great little details, you've been such an amazing help!