July 16, 2009

In the dimly lit underground lair beneath the Latverian embassy, Doctor Doom stood before a high-tech control panel, his gauntlet-clad hands manipulating a series of holographic displays. He was deep in his work, orchestrating the overthrow of Lucia von Bardas, the Latverian Prime Minister. The world was on the brink of chaos, but Doom was calm and collected, fully confident in the success of his plans. That is, until a loud crash echoed through the corridors. The floor shook as the door to the control room exploded inward, sending dust and debris scattering through the air.

With all the grace of a circus acrobat and none of the finesse, Deadpool tumbled into the room, landing in a heap on the cold floor. He groaned as he picked himself up, brushing off his suit with exaggerated annoyance.

"Ugh, really? This is how we're doing it?" he muttered, his voice dripping with sarcastic exasperation. He flashed a grin at no one in particular, mostly to the camera he was pretending was there. "A fanfic rated T for Teen? Censorship everywhere. I can't even say 'crap' without it sounding like a word I'm really not supposed to say. Thanks for that, Marvel. Real mature."

He waved his hands dramatically, taking in his surroundings. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the walking tin can himself, Victor Von Doom," Deadpool mocked, tapping his fingers against his mask as if he were pondering something profound. "You've got a pretty sweet setup here. Very 'I'm-the-guy-who-thinks-I'm-better-than-everyone' chic. I can respect that."

Doctor Doom, his back still turned to Deadpool, made no attempt to acknowledge the intrusion. His fingers danced across the control panel, his eyes fixed on the screens in front of him. "Deadpool," he said, his voice cold and menacing, "you interfere with my plans at your own peril. I am moments away from ensuring a new world order. Leave now, and I will spare you."

Deadpool, unimpressed, continued his rambling. "Oooh, scary! Reshape the future? Buddy, you've been trying to take over Latveria for years. Consistency is nice and all, but maybe it's time for a new hobby. You ever think of knitting? I hear it's very relaxing." He shook his head in mock sympathy. "But hey, no judgment, I get it. You're a man of ambition. Me? I'm a man of... spontaneity."

He jumped forward, drawing his swords with a flourish and striking a pose. "Look, I don't want to make this weird, but I'm gonna have to stop you right here, Doom. You're gonna try to help Mister Sinister mess with Miss Merkel, well, I just can't allow that. No one messes with my clients' governments on my watch, capisce?"

Still not turning away from the control panel, Doom's voice grew more commanding. "You are a nuisance, Deadpool. Do not presume to understand the weight of what I'm about to accomplish. Leave, or I will—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah," Deadpool interrupted, pacing back and forth in front of Doom. "Listen, I'm sure Mister Sinister is all giddy about his plans for world domination, but you've got me to deal with now. And I gotta tell you, Doom, you don't want none of this. I'm like the unexpected plot twist in a fanfic that no one saw coming. I'm just that good."

Without warning, Deadpool launched himself into a series of flips and acrobatic rolls, avoiding the energy blasts that erupted from Doom's hands. Doom's strikes missed by inches, every attempt thwarted by Deadpool's erratic, unpredictable movements.

"You're trying too hard, Doom. You've gotta relax!" Deadpool shouted, dodging yet another energy blast with a flip that would've made any gymnast jealous. "This isn't even a serious fight! I'm just here to distract you, you know? Help you forget about your whole 'taking over the world' gig for a second."

Deadpool pulled out a chimichanga from his belt and took a dramatic bite, only to immediately spit it out in disgust. "Ugh, so disappointing," he groaned. "I can't even enjoy my snacks anymore. Why is everything in my life so unfulfilling? Fanfiction, my butt."

Doom's patience began to wear thin. "You will pay for this, Deadpool. You are only making things more difficult for yourself."

Deadpool gave a mock bow. "Oh, please, Doom. You think you can scare me? You can't even hit me half the time! You wanna know why? Because I'm Deadpool. I'm too cool for your fancy laser beams. Don't take it personally. It's not you, it's... well, yeah, actually, it's totally you."

Emitting a laser blast right past Deadpool's head, Doctor Doom warned, "Silence fool! Doom has no time for your childish banter. I am a force you cannot begin to comprehend!"

Deadpool took that as a challenge and took out a script to counter, "Oh, I can comprehend, Victor! Says right here—'Deadpool encounters Doctor Doom in a brawl.' Blah, blah, blah, some ominous threat, and… oh, look at this: fight ensues. Wow. Pulitzer-worthy stuff."

Irritated with such a display, Doctor Doom prepared another gathering of energy to ask, "What madness is this?"

Deadpool tossed the script over his shoulder to answer, "Madness? THIS. IS. FANFICTION!"

Doom growled, unleashing another volley of blasts. Deadpool flipped and dodged with exaggerated flair, narrating each move. "And Deadpool leaps! Oh, look at that form! Ten out of ten from the Russian judge! He ducks! He flips! He—oh, sh—uh, sugar honey iced tea! Almost lost a leg there!"

One of Doom's blasts finally connected, sending Deadpool hurtling into a billboard advertising generic cola. The mercenary peeled himself off the sign with a groan. "Really? A billboard? What is this, a Saturday morning cartoon? At least it wasn't a Pepsi ad. I'd like to maintain some dignity."

Doom loomed over him, energy swirling ominously in his hands. "Any last words before I obliterate you?"

"Yeah," Deadpool said, rummaging through his utility belt. "Dear readers, if you're still here, please leave a five-star review. And…uh…BANANA!"

With a flourish, he pulled out a comically oversized banana gun and fired. The "pew pew" sound effect was ridiculous, but somehow, banana peels shot out, one of them landing squarely on Doom's faceplate. The mighty ruler of Latveria yanked it off with a furious growl.

"ENOUGH!" Doom bellowed.

"Enough?" Deadpool repeated, crouching like a cat ready to pounce. "Buddy, you built a time machine to steal Blackbeard's treasure. You lost the right to say 'enough' somewhere around 'pirate cosplay.'"

Doom unleashed a massive energy wave, cracking the rooftop beneath them. Deadpool pressed a big red button on his belt, vanishing with a BOING sound and reappearing behind Doom.

Suddenly, Deadpool pulled a small device from his belt, something that looked like a cheap toy at first glance. "I call this the 'Annoying Button,' Doom. Trust me, you're gonna love it." He pressed the button with a flourish.

A cacophony of loud, obnoxious noises erupted from the device—honking horns, blaring sirens, and lasers zapping. Lights flashed in wild, dizzying patterns as Deadpool danced around like a maniac. Doom's concentration wavered, his eyes flicking between the chaotic noises and the disrupted console before him. Deadpool topped it all off by pulling out a kazoo and started playing an off-key version of the Doom theme song.

"What is this nonsense?" Doom spat, his patience finally breaking. "You think you can distract me with this?"

Deadpool didn't stop dancing. "Oh, it's not just the noise, my friend. It's the full experience. You see, you're distracted by shiny lights and loud sounds now. But I've got one more trick up my sleeve." He grinned, and with a whoosh, a whoopee cushion appeared under Doom's foot.

As Doom took a step forward, the loud, unmistakable fart noise echoed through the room. The villain froze, glaring down at the cushion with absolute disgust.

Deadpool was beside himself with laughter. "And that, my friend, is how you win a fight. With class, elegance, and a pinch of juvenile humor."

Doom stood, seething with rage as he watched his carefully constructed plans fall apart. His fingers hovered over the controls, but his focus was shattered, the holographic projections flickering erratically. Deadpool had successfully disrupted the operation.

"Doom does not suffer fools," Doctor Doom muttered, though his voice lacked its usual conviction.

From the shadows, Deadpool's voice floated up, cheerful as ever. "Oh, you suffer me, Victor. You suffer me so good!"

"Your annoyance will not be forgotten," Doom growled, stepping forward. "But I will not allow this to stand."

Deadpool threw up a carefree salute as he turned to leave, his voice carrying back to Doom one last time. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Doom. You'll get over it. Don't forget to get yourself some therapy for that fart sound trauma, alright? See ya in the next crossover, Doomsy! Or not. Depends on the writer's mood."

As Deadpool disappeared down the hallway, Doom stood alone in the ruined lair, his control over the situation slipping further by the second. He clenched his fists in frustration, vowing that this wouldn't be the last time he and Deadpool crossed paths.

"And they say fanfiction isn't realistic. Who writes this stuff, anyway? A monkey with a keyboard? Welp, guess it's time for tacos!"

Author's Note: Hello everyone, just as planned I got a chance to write another Deadpool scene for a little extra humor. Basically, if you've been wondering where Doctor Doom was while Latveria was going through its chaos, this is what happened to him. We won't be returning to Latveria for the foreseeable future though, Volume 4 will start soon enough, and I hope you all look forward to what comes next.