Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make profit off of Twilight. All right's belong to it's author Stephanie Meyer
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF NON CONSENSUAL ASSAULT, ABUSE, ADULT THEMES, AND LANGUAGE. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY ANY OF THESE TOPICS PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTUR AND IMMEDIATELY EXIT. THERE WILL BE OTHER SAFE CHAPTERS IN THE NEAR FUTURE, SO PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Only one back story chapter left until we get the conclusion of what ultimately happenes to Mare!
Reviews: (these are a bit quicker today, I've had a cold all week and really just want a nice cough syrup infused nap lol)
Gretchenia- Sorry I didn't get to answer your comments more last week, you had just posted it as I was uploading lol. Anyway, please as always I don't deserve all the amazing words and praise you bestow upon me! You are wayyyyy to kind my friend and I can't thank you enough for the way your words always lift me up for the week! I'm so happy you stumbled upon my fanfic, and thank all the external forces out there that you did. Finding out that you smile more, makes me smile more, honestly you are a very kind and amazing person and I'm so happy to call you friend! I wish I could buddle this whole book up for you and ship it your way, but A, it's not done yet and B, that would be heavy lol. I'm happy that Sarah is growing on you, I find it important to flesh her out before we get back to Mare, that way we can understand her more, and let me tell you, you are so smart and amazin! You pick up on everything and I always smile reading your words! I think by the next wee all your answers about where Mare ends up will be answered and I believe you will be very happy! As I always tell you THANK YOU! for your kindness, for you dedicated reading and most importantly thank you for just being you! because theirs no one better or like you in this world and I'm so happy that you're here!
AliceCullen3-I LOVE YOU!
Guest- I'm sorry it was a little hard read, please my friend if it's too hard, don t hesitate to skip! These chapters are very trauma filled, but I promise were almost out of the tunnel! Thank you for your sweet words, I love reading them and appreciate you taking the time to leave them here! I appreciate you and thank you again sweet friend!
agabriellafigueiredo- Sorry if I rambled in my last responds lol, I go overboard! You're right that Mare and the Cullens deserve peace and I promise you in the next chapter we may or may not find it. The good news is these flashback chapters are almost over and by May we may or may not be back to our regular reading ;) and PLEASE don't comment if your not feeling up to it! I'm so sorry that your in the hospital and send all my good healing vibes your way, all though I'm fighting a cold so you might not want them lol. Please feel better and don't feel presure to review, just focus on you!
Boxessssss- I Hope you weren't late! Although honestly been there lol, Thank you as always my unoffical beta reader lol, I appreciate and commend you on your amazing work my friend! Be safe this week and have a good day!
AlexisHard- Hello! I'm doing okay, more importantly how are YOU?! I promise you more is coming, we are almost dine with these background chapter and I can't wait to wrap it all up for you to read! Some more good news the week has passed and a new chapter is here! ARGENTINA! OMG sooooo cool! Thank you my luv! I accept your kisses and send them right back from the Windy City!
Guest- Thank you, I love you.
thisIdo- We are only one chapter away from the ending of backstory month lol, so I'm so glad your liking them, becasuse I'm worried I'm over doing it, so in true me fashion I have to reassure everyone that theres only one more chapter lol. Wow that's amazing, I love learning about where everyone is from, it's honestly the best part of my day lol. That's very cool, bot places are so beautiful and unique! I'm sending love to NZ (which I'm assuming is New Zealand) from the Windy City!
20- Good News! More is here! lol thank you for the awesome comment, it made me smile!
Ooshnish- I'm so glad you went back and read some earlier chapters lol, I've been planting a lot of things in them for a while and I'm happy to see you read it and understand the differences I've purposefully changed depending on perspectives. As always you are so ahead of the game my friend I LOVE IT! We're only one more chapter away from the backstory conclusion and I'd like to promise that you'll love it, but even I'm not that confident lol. Thank you for always reading my friend, i really do love and appreciate you! Please have only the best week and be safe! XOXO Coffee!
Pink Satin
God, she wants a drink if only to keep the shaking away. The withdraws are no fucking joke, she's had to use her sick time this week because there's just no way she can work. She can't sleep and when she does they're full of nightmares, all of them revolving around her rape. She can't eat because she can't keep anything down, the nausea and headaches have kept her bed-bound this week. She's ruined two sets of sheets with her constant sweating, and the mood swings...they're even worse than when she's black-out drunk. Marceline has stayed far away from her, their neighbor who's under the impression that Sarah is just sick has been bringing over casseroles every other day and even started walking Mare to school. Her coach has been picking her up from school and dropping her off back home after practice. Sarah's grateful she is, but this is getting to be too much, she hurts both physically and mentally and theirs nothing she can do to cure that...nothing but a drink. She gets so tempted, but when she wakes up Thursday and finds she can stand without getting sick, she grabs the pamphlet she put on her nightstand and looks up the first meeting place.
She leaves the house two hours early and starts walking, she knows she can't drive. When she gets to the church where the meeting is she stands outside for a while,
"I can't do this" She whispers and turns to head back home when a voice stops her,
"You made it." She turns, it's corner store man. He's wearing a simple pair of blue jeans, a grey thermal, and a red plaid pullover, much more pulled together than her oversized T-shirt and grey sweatpants. Suddenly she's self-conscious, she must smell, she hasn't showered all week, nor has she brushed her teeth or had her hair down from its messy bun. She tries to smile but finds she can't. Corner store man only nods, and holds his hand out towards the door,
"It only gets better from here." She raises one brow,
"Promise?"
"Promise."
...
She refuses to speak at the meeting, they ask her but she simply shakes her head, and like that, they move on. She listens to everyone speak, they all seem to know each other and their stories, but they reiterate them for her and she discovers, that everyone is just like her and she finds similarities between her and their stories. Something happened, they drank, they forgot, they liked it, they kept going, some even went further than her, but nonetheless, something happened that made all of them want to stop. The corner store man sits next to her, and at some point when everyone has gone he stands up,
"Hello, my name is Brooks and I'm an Alcoholic," Everyone says hello, Sarah finds herself doing the same thing, "As a lot of you know, I started drinking in college. The first time I had a drink was rush week, that's when all the fraternities and sororities try to get freshmen to pledge with them, long story short it's just one big party, and I realized...I liked to party. I loved to drink, I loved the feeling it gave me, like floating, and then I loved it a little too much. I made it into Alpha Zeta Phi, it's the best fraternity on campus, and to this day I can't tell you what it was like being in it, because I don't remember. I drank and I drank a lot...I did things I'm not proud of, and I think I did things I shouldn't have...I don't know, I just know sometimes I woke up...either way I drank more to forget the bad things I did and it was only months later I had to leave school. I failed everything and my scholarships were pulled. My parents didn't want me back because of it and I had nowhere to go. I did things to afford the horrible habit I started. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and I literally mean rock bottom. I was robbed and beaten and left at the bottom of a rock quarry on the outskirts of the city...I had nothing left. My only choice was to get help." Brooks takes a breath, "it took a long a long time, 10 years in fact, but I'm proof that anyone can do it." He turns to Sarah and gives her a small grin, "Anyway, that's my story, my week was good a bit busy. I had my annual monthly dinner with my dad and he's doing good. He's lonely since my mother died, but my being clean and sober allows me to give him the support he needs, just like he gave me the support I needed all those years ago when my journey here first started. I owe a lot to my father. I did some volunteer work at the soup kitchen and methadone clinic and I met my friend Sarah here." He pointed her out and he sank lower in her seat, "She's not ready to talk yet, but it takes time." With that Brookes sat down and the meeting continued.
…
"I don't like that you pointed me out." Brookes shrugs taking a long sip from his coffee cup,
"Maybe next time you'll speak." Sarah shivers, bringing her own coffee cup to her lips for a drink,
"I speak every day, but speaking about this." She shivers again, god these withdraws are a bitch, "I can't."
"You can." Brookes nods, "You will." Sarah takes a breath,
"I don't even know where to start."
"You could talk about the reason you started drinking in the first place, what are you trying to forget Callahan?"
"No." Sarah's answer is firm, she can't talk about that.
"Okay, how about, why you want to stop." Sarah bites her cheek, a lump swelling in her throat,
"I have a daughter." She manages to force out,
"Ahhh, you want to stop for her?" Sarah nods, "How old is she?"
"She's 11, almost 12." Brookes eyebrows shoot up,
"You look young." Sarah nods,
"I had her when I was 19." Brookes turns to her,
"Really?"
"Really." Sarah grits her teeth. She already knows what this man is thinking, whore, slut, idiot...she's heard it all before. She looks down to the coin they gave her at the meeting, she hasn't let go since she got it,
"What's her name?" Sarah turns to look at him,
"Marceline, she prefers Mare." Brookes nods,
"It's nice, never heard that name before, but I like it." Sarah had never heard of it before either,
"Do you have children," Brookes shrugs,
"None I know of." Sarah turns to him, "No, I don't have kids."Brookes reiterates. Sarah nods and they fall into a comfortable silence. Their footsteps on crisp leaves, their long slurps from cheap AA coffee, Sarah finds it comforting.
"Make her proud Sarah." Brookes mutters after a few minutes and Sarah feels tears in her eyes because she wants to, more than anything in this world.
…
"Are you going to work today?" Mare asks shouldering both her sports bag and her backpack. Sarah nods, brushing her freshly washed hair. She's still a little dizzy and finds the shakes to sporadically shiver up her spine, but she's well enough to go back to work, more importantly, she has to go back to work,
"I am." She looks at Mare from the mirror and gives her a light smile,
"Are you ready for your day?" Mare smiles back,
"I always am." Sarah nods,
"I know you are." She turns towards her, "How about Mac and Cheese for dinner tonight?" Mare frowns,
"I can't have cheese," Sarah rolls her eyes, her daughter's diet is too strict,
"We can't just have Mac and nothing." Mare shrugs,
"I'm not supposed to have complex carbs either." Sarah sighs,
"Salad? I'll pick up a large quinoa salad from Costco?" Mare nods and Sarah walks over gently bending down to kiss her daughter on the forehead. "Whatever you want."
…
"My name is Sarah Callahan, no relation to THE Callahans, and I'm an alcoholic." Sarah pauses as everyone greets her, welcoming her speaking for the first time. "I don't know how to start, but I guess the best place is from the beginning." That stupid lump forms in the back of her throat and quickly she swallows it down, it doesn't go down far, "I had a very...weird upbringing. I had anything I wanted but I didn't feel wanted. My mother was a very high-class woman and didn't have much time for me. My father loved me deeply, but his love could only go so far, I had a brother, and he's dead. He was drinking with friends and well that's all I'm comfortable saying." She takes a deep breath,
"I was always so excited to be an adult, to go to college and be independent, I got into NYU, I was so excited but..that didn't last long. It was my second-semester, winter of 2004 and-" Her voice cracks, she hasn't talked about this in over 10 years, not since her mother dismissed her, "I got pregnant, it wasn't my choice and it wasn't...I didn't.."
"Take your time Sarah." The woman who leads the meeting tells her gently. Her names Maddie,
"I don't like the word," She says quietly,
"That's okay." Maddie comforts, her voice was like honey and it coats Sarah in comfort, so she opens her mouth to continue,
"I'm sure you all know what I mean?" She looks around at the nodding faces all but Brookes, he won't look at her. They've grown close this last month, they attend every Thursday class together, and he even went to a Sunday class with her too, it was comforting to have him there, only now he's not looking at her,
"Keep going." Maddie smiles,
"I had a baby because of what happened to me, I wanted to get rid of her, but my mother wouldn't allow that, so..I had her and she looked nothing like me." Sarah frowns, "She was a reminder and I hated her, but I didn't want to hate her, so I drank and I forgot and I liked it." Some nod in understanding others wait for her to keep going,
"She's beautiful you know, It took a while, but I do love her, I love her more than anything in this world. I would die for her, she's incredibly talented. She skates, she's been to Russia to train and she's going back in a year, she's going to be someone someday, but..she doesn't look like me and sometimes it's a painful reminder," Sarah touches her blonde strands,
"She has dark hair, and her eyes, their green, her skin a bit more olive, she has my features but still...I remember my first real drink, not just champagne at a wedding but a real drink. It was a Long Island iced tea and after two I felt so good, it was like a switch in my brain and I could be happy again, and after another one, I just blacked out...it was so nice not to feel pain, from my parent's, from my child...from myself. So I kept doing it, years and years of hiding bottles and dealing with the hangovers until it just to a point that I didn't need the drink to forget but to function, and once again drinking more made me forget until I blacked out, but...I'm mean. I mean to my child, and I don't want to be anymore." Sarah feels tears on her cheeks, funny, she didn't even realize she was crying,
"Take a breath, Sarah," Maddie reminds her and she does,
"Child Protective services are now a part of our life, because I got so drunk one night, my daughter couldn't wake me in the morning and tried to walk herself to school and once I..I pushed her...I don't want to be like that. I want to be the mother mine was never to me, I want Mare to know I love her...that while I can be mean and have been...I love her, and that's something my mother never showed me." Maddie claps and the others follow,
"That's great Sarah, I'm very proud of you." Sarah nods sheepishly and carefully sits back down, she looks over to Brookes. He's still not looking at her. She thought they were just becoming friends, she didn't judge him for his story, why does it seem like he's judging her for hers? She tries to make herself look smaller while turning to the clock. She'll confront him after the meeting, that's exactly what she'll do.
…
"Brookes!" After the meeting, Brookes immediately jumped to his feet and ran, and Sarah ran after him.
"I have to go Sarah!"
"But why?" Sarah hustled after him, her heels doing her no favors. She'll have to remember to pack running shoes if she's going to come to a meeting directly after teaching,
"Just-" Brookes turns around abruptly forcing Sarah to stop mer centimeter away from him, "I need to be alone for a second,"
"Did I say something wrong?" Brookes frowns stepping away from him and shaking his head,
"NO, of course not, but...I'll call and text you okay?" Sarah furrows her brow,
"What's going on?" Brooke swallows and Sarah realizes for the first time...Brookes not looking her in the eyes,
"Please, Sarah." Sarah frowns and nods,
"Okay," And with that, Brookes takes off, and Sarah is left alone.
…
"I made you something." Sarah turns, she's on her fourth cup of coffee this morning. She's antsy, both because she wants a drink and because it's been five days and Brookes hasn't texted her.
"Ya?" Sarah asks turning to her daughter. She's sitting at the table eating a bowl of hard-boiled eggs. Mare smiles and slides over a folded piece of paper.
"What is it?" Sarah asks reaching for the gift,
"Read it." Sarah holds it up, finding a drawing of different kinds of flowers, she opens it to find a neatly scrawled message,
Mom
I'm so proud of you
I'm so happy such a strong woman is my mom
Love Mare
Sarah feels the prickle of tears in her eyes,
"What's this for?"
"It's been six weeks." Sarah furrows her brows,
"Six weeks since what?" Mare's smile softens and she looks down towards her breakfast,
"Since you had a drink." Sarah frowns, she almost forgot, how could she forget? Six weeks...six weeks since she's been at her favorite bar, six weeks since she had to hide a bottle of Tito's, six weeks since she secretly spiked her water bottle at work, six whole weeks where she didn't get blacked out drunk, yelled at her daughter, threw up or passed out...six weeks of fully feeling her pain and her past...
"Please don't be sad mom." Sarah quickly wipes her eyes and holds her arms open, Mare waits for a second until Sarah beckons her forward and Mare quickly rushes into her mother's arms. They stand in the small kitchen for a few minutes until Sarah pulls her back,
"How about I take you to the rink today?" Mare's eyes grow large
"Really?" Sarah nods,
"You can show me your routine." Sarah doesn't think she's seen Mare smile this wide ever,
"Okay, let me pack my bag." Mare quickly runs to her room and Sarah smiles. She turns grabbing her phone and holding it up, but still no text. She sighs
…
Sarah grimaces when Mare falls for the third time, her coach yelling at her to keep her legs straight,
"You wouvn't fall,if they ver stvight." She shouts her Russian accent thick,
"Da," Mare pants. Sarah didn't realize that while her coach spoke English to Mare, Mare mostly spoke Russian back, although some English words slip through.
"I've never seen you here." A woman to her right says, sitting down. She's dressed in jeans, boots, and a large sweater. Sarah peaks over, recognizing the luxury brands this woman is wearing, Rag and Bone denim jeans, Hunter boots, and a CELINE sweater. Sarah's seen many knockoffs, all of this is name brand, she even has a Louie purse and Stanley Tumblr keeping her beverage hot.
"I don't come very often," Sarah shrugs, The woman smiles and leans closer,
"That one's mine. That's my Madeline" She points to the petite blonde standing off to the side of the rink. Sarah's been glancing at her as she watches Mare practice, but only because the young girl has been glaring at her daughter since they got here. Sarah smiles at the woman and nods,
"She's very good," Sarah comments because she is, she has the best turns on this ice and she's very fast, but she's fumbled every jump she's made and each time she looks more and more defeated. "That's what I tell her, but you know in this field there's someone always better than you and that's all she can focus on." Sarah nods, she understands, she was never very good at sports but in everyone she did there was always someone who she couldn't stand because they were better and Sarah didn't like not being the best.
"It's not easy being their age," Sarah observes watching Mare land a jump but look slightly unbalanced. Her coach yells something at her in Russian and Mare nods,
"That poor one there gets yelled at every day, she's very talented but to that woman it doesn't matter." The woman comments when she notices Sarah staring, "My Madeline wants so badly to train with them, but even if she were invited, I wouldn't let it. That woman is just brutal." Is she? Mare's never said anything, Sarah lets her head drop, she should know more about all this, her daughters left the country to train with this woman for months for god shakes...this is what the alcohol has done to her.
"Which one is yours?" Sarah looks around, she's too embarrassed now to point to Marceline, she opens her mouth when her phone pings,
"I'm so sorry," Sarah tells the woman who just waves her away,
"No fears." Sarah stands from the bleachers and gets to her feet quickly descending to the floor. She pulls her phone out and quickly looks at the text, it's from Brookes,
Meet me at the church
It's a simple text, but why does he want to meet her at the church? That's where they have their Thursday night meetings, she looks back towards Mare who lands her jump again, this time without fumbling her balance and looks happily at her mother, Sarah smiles back, before looking back down towards her phone, and sending a quick text,
I'll be there in 15
…
Sarah takes the bus and a cab to get to the church in the 15 minutes she's promised, when she gets there she finds Brookes sitting on the church steps, bundled up to fight against the cold slowly seeping into the September air. She smiles when she sees him, but he doesn't smile back,
"Brookes," He stands up, placing his hands into his pockets, and walks to meet her halfway,
"Hi Sarah," He sounds...almost down...more defeated she thinks, but why?
"What's wrong?" He looks away from her, and they stay like that for a long time, Sarah is afraid to ask what's wrong. Finally, after a second he takes a breath and pulls something out of his pocket...an envelope,
"Take this." Sarah carefully grabs it and begins to study it but, it's just a plain standard off-white envelope, meant for carrying letters or bills...There's nothing special about it.
"I don't understand." Brookes takes a breath biting down hard on his cheeks before answering,
"It's my DNA." Sarah furrows her eyebrows and releases a breathy laugh,
"Do you want mine or something? Is this a proposal?" Brookes doesn't laugh and after a second he steps back,
"Compare them to your daughters." This catches Sarah off guard and she too finds herself stepping back and away from this man,
"What?" It's almost like all the air in her body is taken away because she can't seem to take a breath and her world feels a bit off-centered,"Is this some kind of fucking joke, because,it's not funny."Brookes fumbles suddenly finding his hands to be the most interesting part of this whole conversation,
"No, I...Sarah I."
"YOU WHAT?" She shouts she's holding the letter so tight it crumples in her hands,
"I don't know..." He starts,"All I know is when you were talking about what happened to you at the meeting.."
"Yes," She waits impatiently her heart beating entirely too fast to be safe,
"We were both freshmen and all I know is one night I was drinking at this party and the next I woke up with a pair of women's underwear in my bed.."Sarah steps even further away, she's finding it very hard to stay conscious, her mind and body telling her to fall away,
"Underwear?" She whispers, she lost her pair that night, what happened to them she doesn't know. One minute they were on her body then they weren't,
"They were pink." Brookes tells her quietly, "pink satin."This time she does lose consciousness, but only for a second, and then she's back in her body, and Brookes is holding her, cradling her head as if she's about to hit the concrete. She slaps him and she slaps him hard, but to his credit, he doesn't let go instead guiding her to her feet,
"Don't touch me!" She slaps him again, and this time he does let go, holding his hands out as he backs away,
"I'm sorry."
"HOW DARE YOU!" She shouts loudly," YOU FUCKING RAPIST!"
"Shhh" Brookes looks around making sure no one is listening, "I don't know it was me."
"Is this why you attend meetings, because of your fucking guilt over raping women."
"I know know if it was me." Sarah feels her blood boil,
"That's even worse." She looks around, she needs to get away, she can't be near this man, she refuses. She steps closer to the road and holds her hand out hoping a taxi will pass by, they've been harder to come by since Uber started, but one stops by her,
"Sarah please,"
"Don't speak to me, ever."As a final warning, she clutches the envelope close before ripping it in two and throwing it on the ground. Brookes watches her with sad eyes before quickly approaching her. She closes the door and tells the taxi man to drive,
"Sarah, don't mess up your sobriety please." Brookes pounds on the window once, before the car takes off, leaving Brookes alone. She has so many feelings, so many thoughts...so many memories rushing through her head she doesn't even hear the taxi driver speaking to her,
"Ma'am?" She looks up quickly wiping the tears away from her face,
"I'm sorry?"
"I asked where too?"She swallows,before looking out the window and finding her voice,
"The nearest liquor store please."
…
Mare comes home late, by the time she walks through the door Sarah is already half a bottle of Tito's down.
"Mom, where did you go? I had to get a ride with Madeline and her mom. I told her you were there but-"Mare stops, noticing all the new bottles on the counter, "Mom?"Sarah looks up at her with bloodshot, teary eyes.
"Mare go to your room."
"Mom, you were doing so good, what happened?"
"I said go to your room." Mare approaches her grabbing the bottle on the table,
"You said you'd stop, you'd stop for me..." Her voice breaks, "Why, why would you do this, what happened?" Sarah reaches forward quickly grabbing the bottle away from her daughter and placing it back on the coffee table,
"Listen to me when I'm speaking to you!" She shouts, "You disrespectful child, goes to your room!" She doesn't realize she's done it until Mare's on the floor clutching the back of her head, There's no blood though.
"I should have known you wouldn't change." Mare whispers, getting to her feet and running to her room. Sarah looks towards the Tito's bottle. She doesn't even give it a second thought, she grabs the neck of the bottle and tips it back.
…
"Please slow down son." Carlisle tells Edward, his grip on the steering wheel is so tight, Carlisle's surprised it hasn't snapped in two. It's raining so hard, it's a miracle Edward can even see well enough to drive at the speed he's currently going, which is three times over the speed limit,
"Do you want to get there or get there fast?" Edward says, not skipping a beat. Carlisle looks over to Edward before looking back out the window and swallowing,
"Fast."