I do not own nor do I make profit off of Twilight. All rights belong to it's author Stephanie Meyer.
...I am so overwhelmed with all the amazing messages...you guys have honestly left me speechless. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder about two years ago and have been going through the stages of treatment and acceptance ever since and never have I felt so...whole and understood and for that I can't thank you enough!
I'm a little late to reviews, but here are chapter 52 and 53. If you left mulitple reviews I left you multiple responses and you'll have to look for your name a few times, I'm sorry, that was just the easiest way for me to do this lol!
P.S- I wrote this chapter weeks ago and finally went back to finish and fix it up so if it doesn't flow very well I apologize, it's hard for me to get in my past head and try to figure out where I was going with everything. I'm not to confident in this chapter so I'm very sorry it it's not any good.
I love you all and promise repsonses are coming, please, please, please bare with me!
Chapter 52 reviews
KEZZ 1- Thank you so much!
- Wow! Thank you so much luv! I'm so glad you want to read more, because believe me when I tell you I have more to write! I just might take you up on your offer! As much as I love writing, I am a dunce when it comes to spelling, and you may have noticed I like to sprinkle commas like parmesan cheese on a caesar salad lol, it really is my kyrtonite and no matter how hard I work on it …..well ya :( Thank you so much for reading a leaving a review it really does mean a lot to me!
AliceCullen3- and I LOVE YOU!
AlexisHard- Hello my friend! Thank you so much, you always leave the kindest reviews and it always leaves me so full and warm, there are not enough words in any language that I could type out to thank you! Sorry to make you wait so long for another chapter but I really hope you like this one, I always love seeing your name pop up enjoy reading what you have to say. As always thank you for your incredibly kind words and for the hugs, I really did need them this last month! Hugs from the Windy City!
Guest- ...My Goodness.. thank you so much! Your really made my night with your review and I can't thank you for your incredibly sweet words! Thank you and please have the best week
20- NOOOO please don't cry luv! Be happy my friend and please have the best week!
livvixxx- lol thank you!
Ooshnish- I'm so happy you enjoyed this chapter my sweet friend! and my writing isn't that good lol I'm sure theirs a few words out there! As you know I'm a sucker for comfort characters so I always gravitate towards these types of chapters and conversations, I just love writing them! Next...I'm doing my best lol, I've actually been moving around locations work wise and therefor I haven't seen them this last month and miss them dearly! I'm so happy your vacation went well (Fun fact: I thought of you that week and was hoping you were having fun!) I know for a fact that nobody deserves an amazing vacation more than yourself and Machrihanish! I kid you not that's on my travel list and I am so insanely jealous of you my friend! I'm so happy you took a week to relax and have fun away from technology, we could all use a week like that from time to time and I'm glad you got that! Thank you so much for your luv, I'm sending it all back ten thousand more and hope your week goes AMAZING!
Gretchenia- As always! I never get anything past you! I'm so happy you asked about the book lol, and promise you it's in a safe place (Carlisle's office in the same drawer with Mare's Epi Pen) No Carlisle has not read any of it, but you can bet he's tempted. I would like to think Carlisle as a patient and smart man and knows the implications of reading a book like that and wouldn't so it, but would sure be tempted! As for Baseball they haven't explained it yet, but it will be coming. As always my friend ask any question I will be so incredibly happy yo answer them! I actually love answering them lol. On to the next part of the review, I love that you have these amazing and strong emotions and feelings, I always look forward to reading what you have to say after a particular hard chapter...in fact I so look forward to it. I know you'll understand every emotion and feel it along with the character and that makes me sooooo happy! I'm Happy that your beginning to love Edward, I wanted him to be likable in these early chapters (pre-Bella) I love that your loving the dynamic of the family and how their treating Mare during this difficult time, I wrote them in a way that I wish family would have treated me during difficult times but never got so this kind of writing comes easy to me, and your absolutely right about PTSD, and we'll deal with that a little down the road ;) wink wink. Lastly, NO! YOU my friend are the one with the wonderful heart, your kindest never ceases to amazes me and for that I can't thank you enough, there are just simply not enough words or languages to express how I feel. So please believe me my sweet friend when I say I'm so happy your here and that we can have these interactions each chapter, they turly mean the world to me and I'm sending all my love you way!
Selene Rose Grey- First off, BEAUTIFUL NAME! Wow, you are defiantly a main character! Second wow... Thank you so much, I actually was left speechless after reading your review because one...this fanfic is like almost at 200,000 words...that a novel you read in 24 hours and I bow down to you! and second Your words were just so incredibly kind, it melted my heart and I can't thank you enough for letting me feel so special! I'm sorry that I took such a long break just after you binged this story, but I hope you've gotten to read the new chapters! Thank you once again my friend for the sweet words and taking the time to leave them! I'm sending all my love you way and hope you have the BEST JULY!
Lily the Widow- OMG THANK YOU! I cried a little when I read your review, it was incredibly too kind for me and I don't deserve your amazing words! I'm so sorry I took such a long break! I usually post ever Sunday morning around 4 AM, but you know...stuff happens! I really hope you enjoyed these last two chapters and that the don't dissapoint for being so late! Please my friend have the best day and once again thank you for leaving such a kind review and making me feel so special, you are the best and I'm sending you all the best vibes for the rest of July!
Gretchenia- OHHH more questions, I am in love with you lol. I have plans for Matt don't you worry, he'll appear down the road. Mare's story in her world is not done and everyone will appear once again! Especially her grandparent's, the deserve a spot light too! And fear not, Carlisle, Esme and the whole family will be there ready when more of this goes down, and those chapters will be...fun...maybe...fun to write lol. As for will she be afraid to disappear again, yes! that will always be in the back of her mind and you'll see in in the next few chapters and on, it will always be a recurring thought, and Esme fears it more than Mare. Next he life support question...I'm goanna admit this to you and only you...I haven't worked that out yet, I have some ideas, but non completely fleshed out...sooooooooo we'll have to see lol. Sorry that's not a good answer..but it's all I have T_T Lastly...Italy, unfortuently it still has to happen...and we'll be there very soon, (wink, wink)
Ooshnish- Thank you for the hugs! and don't worry wanting a new chapter is not shelfish! I promise! Sendin love and hugs back! Coffee
Gretchenia- Thank you my sweet, sweet friend! Thank you for always making me feel so special and loved, I'm sending you all my live right back at you and thank you again for your incredibly sweet words! They always help me when I'm feeling down!
Ooshnish- Sorry for the accidental break lol..I don't know why I do this somethings, but your reminders always help me, you have no idea how much I love and appreciate them! Thank you for the hugs, you have no idea how much I needed them that Week! Sending only the warmest and best hugs your way my friend!
Agabriellafigueriredo- I'm so happy that your happy, a reunion is always good! Even traumatic ones lol! And you know Carlisle and Esme will be there 100% of the way in whatever Mare needs, because their the kind of parents we all want lol! I'm so incredibly happy and grateful that you're recovering from your surgery, I thought of you often this last month hoping you were okay and everything was healing properly! I'm sorry about the break, I'm trying to come back I promise I am! And lastly thank you so much for the kind words! they really do help me get through these tough chapters and also remember you are my number 1 FRIEND in Brazil!
Chapter 53 Reviews
Guest- I'm listening! T_T Thank you so much for your kind words, I can't tell you how much I bawled like a baby when I woke up that Monday and saw your review, it really made me feel so happy, but also so validated and for that I honestly can't thank you enough, I am left speechless and have no words...for real I've written this like six times because my hands wont stop shaking I feel so relieved! Thank you for being the first review for this chapter and for being so kind! I honestly have no words! I'm sending all my love your way and hope that all good things happen for you this month!
KEZZ 1-Thank you!
agabriellafigueiredo- I'm so sorry, please don't get emotional! I'm so happy you liked this chapter, it's a little in the future, but I felt like after all the hurt these last few weeks we could use a little more fluff! and I'm also so happy that your curious about the scars, I'm telling you right now, those are going to be some intense chapters, but I can't wait! Next...thank you, you honestly made me cry. Sometimes I feel like these kind of feelings are stupid and weak and I shouldn't be feeling them, but you made me feel so validated and for that I can't thank you enough...you honestly made my night! Thank you for being the most amazing person to exist on this planet, I'm so happy that your here and I get to respond to you, you are truly a kind and wonderful human being and I wish you get everything you want in this world! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- Again you read this story again! You're amazing! I have written multiple books (a series actually lol) unfortunately I have written no books that have been published although I've tried, and all I have are multiple rejection letters, one even called me Samantha...my names not Samantha lol, but it's my favorite story to tell! As for your Idea...it's like you're in my head lol..I had that exact same idea for when we get into the Twilight book...my god...that's crazy. I always found that part of the books to be wildly inappropriate and invasive, but of course Bella found nothing wrong with it lol...good think Mare shares our opinion!
Lily the Widow- OMG Lily...thank you! I've always wanted to write but never found myself to be good enough...thank you for those kind word, you have no idea how much that healed a part of me! I'm trying to take time, but your review is so incredibly sweet that I really want to get more content out, but you're very right depression sucks! I hate it and want my money back on this stupid thing called life, no one told me I would have to deal with this! although I do cover it very well with humor. Thank you again for leaving this review and being so kind, I honestly can't thank you enough. Thank you for writing and thank you for being my friend, Coffee!
Ooshnish- Please, PLEASE Ooshnish, don't EVER thing that you were pushing me! If anything you were inspiring me! I've always taken your monthly updates like a little reminder that I had been away to long and needed to come back and because of you I did! I'm sooooo sooo glad you liked this chapter, I felt like after all the horrible and emotional turmoil that's been going on we need some fluff and sickly sweet in our lives! Thank you so much for the love and sweet words, you've always been so kind to me and for that I can't thank you enough, you are truly an amazing and wonderful friend and I just hope you know how much I cherish you and your reviews..their not reviews there more conversations, because that's what friends have, conversations. I always look forward to seeing what you have to say and getting to respond to them! Thank you so much for being here, not just on this site but in this world, I'm so happy you're here and I get to talk to you. You are loved, and I'm so happy to have found you here! Thank you my sweet, sweet friend. AS always thank you for the hugs, I accept and send back only the best and warmest hugs!
20- I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THIS! Thank you so much my luv! It's sooooo good to be back
Emotional Stages
Rose read to me for maybe 5 minutes before sleepover retook me, my mind and body were so exhausted from my tantrum it just couldn't stay awake any longer. For a while I drifted, never feeling like I was getting good enough sleep, but being comfortable nonetheless. When I feel myself waking more fully, my world is on fire and I can't help the groan that escapes my lips,
"Hot," I whisper, only to have something taken off my forehead and replaced with a wonderful cold cloth,
"You're fevers breaking." Carlisle's voice is soft, "We're going to have to sweat it out." He brushes his fingers against my cheek and I realize how sweaty I am. I reach down to pull the blankets away, I remember waking not too long ago and wrestling to pull them closer, only to have Esme apologize and pull them away,
"Mare, sweetheart would you like some water." Esme pops up from behind Carlisle with a large glass of water, I nod and she brings the straw to my lips. I gulp greedily, feeling so hot and thirsty. She takes it away before I'm finished and wipes my mouth with a tissue,
"More?"
"Slow sips, sweetheart." She reminds me before bringing the glass back to my lips, this time she waits till I've gotten my fill which is more than half the glass.
"How are you feeling sweetheart, scale of 1 to 10."
"No." I try to roll over, but Carlisle grabs my hip keeping me in place,
"This position is better for your lungs." He tells me apologetically.
"I'm a side sleeper." I breathe out,
"I know, but on your back and slightly elevated is easier to breathe." I groan and turn my head away to the window. It's dark, but the room glows, Esme must have lit the fireplace, under different circumstances the room would be cozy...comfortable...safe...now it's a reminder...I disappeared from this room.
"Mare, I need to know your pain," Carlisle demands, I turn back toward him and shake my head,
"No, you're not in pain?" Esme asks her hand landing on mine, I shake my head again,
"Just no." I take a breath only to immediately cough, Carlisle helps me up, rubbing his hand up and down my back while the other one is cupped under my chin,
"You're okay, easy, easy." He waits until I'm done quickly grabbing a tissue and laying me back down, my body suddenly exhausted, "Take a breath, can you take some medicine for me?" I shake my head, "please." What I want doesn't matter, he's grabbed an orange bottle and poured two blue pills into the palm of his hand. I look away when he holds the pills out,
"Sweetheart, I want you to get better," Carlisle says quietly and I feel the familiar ache in my chest, not just the heavy feeling of sickness, but the kinda ache when you're sad when you miss someone you'll never see again or the pain of knowing those around you care for you and you can't figure out why, it hurts and I don't know what to do,
"It hurts," I whisper,
"What hurts?" Esme frowns her hand a constant reminder that she hasn't let go,
"My heart."
"I'm so sorry Mare, I want to take it away so badly I do, but listen to me when I tell you, that while that hurt never goes away, it gets less and less." Theirs tears are in my eyes again, cold tears falling down hot skin, "You fill that hurt with other things, a hobby. Maybe it's painting or reading, it could even be just going on a walk. You find people that love you and care for you and would rather die themselves than land a hand on you." The sob that leaves my mouth is loud and gasping, Carlisle reaches for me, sitting me up, a hand on my back encouraging me to not only breathe but cry,
"Let it out, Mare."
"You'll never stop crying Mare, but you'll find people that love you enough to hold you through it, and even though in the beginning you're going to push them away, push us away, you'll eventually realize that pain isn't as strong." Esme grabs a tissue from the box on the nightstand and begins wiping away the tears and snot on my face, "I love you enough to understand what you're going through and be here to support you, but also tell you the truth of it all. Mare, you are so loved here."
"Why?" I shutter out, I've known these people less than a month...these fictional characters, yet...I never want to leave them.
"Because you're capable and worthy of love. You can't let yourself deny this any longer." I cry, I cry until I tire myself out and I have no energy left in me to argue when Carlisle pushes the small pills in my mouth and follows it up with water, and then I cry as Carlisle gently lays me down on propped-up pillows and Esme lays next to me, I cry until I can't cry anymore, and then force myself to do the one thing I'm most afraid to do...I force myself into the next stage of emotions...anger.
…
I wake up coughing, Carlisle is barely able to get the awful mask off my face before placing a napkin in front of my mouth,
"It's okay, get it out." Carlisle quickly wipes my mouth out and tosses the napkin away,
"Gross," I groan out dropping my head back to the pillow,
"It's only phlegm," Carlisle smiles, reaching up to push the bangs away from my face, "Do you think you can try eating something for me?"
"Not hungry."
"I know, but I need you to try, Edward bought every single canned soup from the store, so what do you feel like?" I shake my head, "Mare, sweetheart, you haven't eaten in three days. I haven't pushed, but you seem more awake today and I would like you to try."
"I said no." It's out of my mouth before I realize what I'm saying and who I'm saying it to. I look up at Carlisle expecting him to be angry, maybe yell or show his frustration, instead, he just sits there, staring at me with gentle eyes.
"Maybe we can wait a little bit more." He says after a second and now I'm the angry one,
"No," I force myself to sit up, grabbing his shirt to steady myself, "yell at me!"
"Excuse me?" He cocks his head to the side while reaching up to steady my shaking frame,
"Yell at me," I repeat,
"Mare, when have I ever yelled at you?" Never,
"Please," I choke feeling the same stupid stinging feeling of tears, "Stop being so nice to me, stop taking care of me, stop...stop.."
"Loving you?" And there the floodgates go, "Mare, you can yell, you can disrespect me, you can try to get me to hate you, but that's not going to happen, I can't stop loving you just like you can't stop breathing, it's just a natural response at this point."
"No.." Carlisle gathers me in his arms, holding me close,
"Yes," He states firmly kissing the top of my head before resting his chin there, "You're a part of this family, Mare. You know that, you just haven't learned to accept it yet, but I've always told you I'm a patient man and I'll wait." I reach up to quickly wipe my nose and take a shaky breath,
"I don't want you to wait anymore," I whisper and Carlisle begins rocking us gently, I'm reminded of the last conversation I had when Edward told me to accept, heal, and leave...move on.
"Mare, I've been alive for hundreds of years, I've learned to wait. We're running on your time not mine." I take a shuttering breath, my chest still feels heavy,
"Where's Esme?"
"She has to take a call, but she'll be right back," We sit like that for a second, and for once I don't mind the silence,
"Are the others at school?" Carlisle nods,
"They are."
"What about me?" School feels like the last thing I should be worried about, but I can't help but think of the long term, what happens from here?
"You and Esme are dealing with some things back in New York." My whole body feels cold and I swallow roughly,
"Home?" I'm not going to cry, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of my cheeks feeling sticky, I'm just tired,
"If that's how you want to see it my sweet girl," I think for a second before shaking my head,
"No, it's not home anymore."
"That's okay." He kisses the top of my head again, and we fall back into a comfortable silence until I find the words to speak again,
"Can this be home?"
"This," Carlisle stresses, "Will always be your home."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
…
"My turn," Emmett whispers. It's been hours since my earlier conversation with Carlisle, and in that time, Esme got off of her phone call and joined us in my room. Carlisle took his spot back on the chair next to my bed and Esme carefully crawled into my bed next to me. It only took a few minutes for me to ask if we could go. Both she and Carlisle promised if I attempted to eat they would let me rest downstairs on the couch. I love this room, but the memories of disappearing had me itching to get out and I ate half a bowl of tomato soup and a few bites of grilled cheese. Esme apologized profusely when she told me she didn't have any Kraft singles and used cheese from a different brand, I told her I didn't care. Funny how when you ask to die your fear of eating goes out the window. After finishing and heading down to the living room Carlisle did something surprising, he laid down on the couch and opened his arms, I was hesitant at first but after a second I crawled in and let Carlisle's cold arms envelope me. He turned the TV on and settled on a documentary on Queen Elizabeth,
"Was she nice?" I mumbled feeling sleep already starting to settle in my mind and body,
"Excuse me?"
"When you met her, was she nice?" Carlisle laughs and kisses the top of my head,
"Very clever,"
I don't know how long I slept but at one point Carlisle forced another breathing treatment on me, if anything it felt like it was restricting my air, but Carlisle wouldn't be told no. I fell asleep again after that and then not too long after that the downstairs door opened and foot steps clicked in. They carefully tiptoed around us, either upstairs or in the kitchen, Emmett did no such thing. The minute he entered the door he shuffled right up to the couch,
"Can I have a turn?"
"No."
"You're hogging her."
"I am."
"When can I have a turn?"
"My shift starts at six tonight, we can switch at five."
"That's two hours away!"
"Yes, any other questions?"
Emmett grumbled away after that, but now he's back,
"My turn." He whispers again, Carlisle sighs, wiggling his arm out of the blanket cocoon to check his watch, "it's five, my turn." he says louder this time and again Carlisle sighs and kisses the top of my head,
"We have to switch now love."
"Mmm." Carefully Carlisle sits up and lifts me just enough to slip out and Emmett quickly slips in. Emmett is much larger than Carlisle, his muscles harder, but his chest has more room to rest my head on. After a second I get comfortable and Emmett pulls the blanket around us and reaches for the remote,
"Enough of that." He turns the medical show Carlisle's been watching while I nap off and begins flipping through channels,
"Thank you," I mumble resting my cheek on his chest and blinking before settling back down and closing my eyes. I hear Carlisle chuckle and card his hand through my hair,
"Watch to make sure she doesn't get cold," Carlisle whispers to Emmett,
"I know the drill," Emmett whispers back before kissing the top of my forehead and again my heart lurges...so much love for someone who doesn't deserve it. I reach up and wipe my eyes, if Emmett notices me crying he doesn't say anything, instead, he pulls me a little closer with a smile, "Please stay." He whispers so quietly I almost don't catch it,
"I don't think I have any control of it," I whisper back,
"In case you have some kind of subconscious control of it, I want you to know," He pulls the blanket tighter around us, "Stay." and like that I feel all the other stages of emotions rush by leaving only one,
Acceptance.