CHAPTER 16
The Broken
Tali moved quickly to catch up with the others. Admiral Hackett, Liara, Garrus and Ashley were already half way down the docking tube by the time she had managed to snap herself out of her accidental trance, and jump out the waiting airlock door. Silently cursing under her breath for letting them get so far ahead, she quickened her pace to a jog upon seeing Garrus pass the threshold of the docking tube.
Hearing a strange noise behind him, Garrus turned his head just in time to see the quarian running, only to awkwardly slow her pace in a futile effort to make it seem as if she had been casually walking alongside them the entire time. He smirked knowingly again in amusement but said nothing. He simply stepped to the side, making room for her to walk along with him. Tali eagerly filled the new gap, all while still trying as best she could to act casual, but the sudden change in her environment was working hard to keep her off balance.
Almost as soon as she had crossed the threshold into the Ginsberg, her senses became bombarded by a cacophony of different noises and bustling people.
Despite the sheer size of the ship from the outside, the interior of it managed to somehow feel uncomfortably small. The deck had many long, sterile, white hallways that ran all throughout the inside of the bulky freighter. And each was filled with people. Scores of humans, turians, salarians, and other beings alike, were all buzzing around in a form of organized chaos. Somehow managing to not bump into each other despite seemingly looking past one another.
At first, she mainly noticed the doctors. They were easy enough to pick out. Each one was wearing their standard issue white and red lab coats, along with some being accompanied by a rather frantic looking med tech following close behind. Most of the techs were busy carrying bags or boxes overflowing with medi-gel cartridges, bandages, and other exotic medical equipment, while the doctors were walking with their noses buried deep in datapads, pouring over seemingly endless lists of test results and vital readings.
But it didn't take her long before she began to see those whom the doctors were busily tending to.
Keelah… There are so many…
Practically lining several of the long, cold hallways were cots and makeshift gurneys filled with injured soldiers. Some were nursing wounds that, at least on the surface, appeared relatively minor. One despondent asari sat up with her back against the wall, casually resting a broken arm in a splint. A heavily bandaged human lying not far from the asari had a blood bag draining into his arm, slowly restoring what he had lost in the battle.
Through one passing doorway, Tali peered into a cramped room to see a krogan with two broken legs struggling against the restraints on a bed, clearly afraid of the needle an equally nervous salarian med tech was preparing.
One turian laying on a gurney in the hallway turned to look at her group as they approached. She nearly gasped in horror when saw that one of his mandibles, along several small adjacent plates, had been ripped clean off of his face. She saw no evidence of burns on him. Just tears. As if he had been mauled by some terrible creature.
Others she saw… had not been so fortunate.
Through one doorway she could hear sharp cries of pain. She did her best not to look, but her curiosity got the better of her, and glancing through the side of her visor, she found its source. The chilling sound was coming from a shivering human woman, whose whole body was covered in dark and bloody plasma burns. She trembled and shook uncontrollably, while a small team of nurses worked diligently to remove melted pieces of armor still lodged in her skin, and apply medi-gel laced synth skin to soothe her many grievous burns.
Tali frowned sadly to herself and pressed on. Wounds from reaper weapons seldom healed easily, and deep down she knew that this poor soldier would be forced to suffer for a very long time, if not the rest of her life.
Seeing the woman, along with all the other unfortunate souls she passed, quickly sated whatever morbid curiosity she possessed, and rather than continue to gawk at the poor people suffering around her, she put all of her effort into focusing on her destination.
Please, she begged quietly in her mind. Don't be like them… Please be ok…
Despite trying her best to stay out of everybody's way, her mind began to once again wander, and one fast moving salarian doctor, who was busy studying a datapad rather than where he was going, bumped into her, almost causing him to drop a container filled with medi-gel canisters he had clutched in his arm. The salarian grimaced in horror as he stumbled awkwardly in an attempt to keep the canisters from falling out from between his slender limbs.
"Sorry!" Tali immediately blurted out apologetically.
"Watch where you're going!" he snapped spitefully at her after finally regaining his balance with his precious box.
"I didn't mean to, I-"
"Our job is hard enough without you slow moving, mouth breathers getting in the way!"
Tali's face flushed with anger at the unexpected insult. "It was just an accident!"
The salarian scoffed and eyeballed her evilly as he hastily returned to his march. "Accidents cost people precious time! Perhaps if you paid better attention to your surroundings, people wouldn't have to suffer needlessly!"
Tali scowled at him from behind her mask. She wanted to give the salarian a piece of her mind for making such wild assertions, but before she could even attempt, the salarian disappeared amongst the throng of oncoming people.
"Bosh'tet…," she muttered bitterly to herself before turning to find her group, and put as much space between her and the rude salarian as possible.
To her relief they hadn't gotten far. She quickened her pace to catch back up, this time taking care not to cross paths with another ill mannered doctor.
"And what's the status of the Crucible now?" Tali overheard Liara ask Hackett as she stepped back up to once again match pace with Garrus.
"It's still mostly intact," he admitted plainly. "I have several teams examining it and running diagnostics."
"Is it still operational?" asked Liara.
"We don't fully know," he replied with a shrug. "Many of my scientists are still debating whether we can still use it or not."
"Use it?" asked a surprised Garrus. "It already accomplished what it was made for. What other use could it possibly have?"
"It's an energy source," he answered simply. "One unlike any other ever created. And when it fired, its output far exceeded all of our calculated projections. They're wondering if there is a way to harness that energy to our benefit. Mainly in regards to the mass relays. Some are of the opinion that it can be used to help power them up once they're repaired."
"Is that really possible?" questioned Liara, giving him a skeptical look.
"They don't know. And I'm not really sure I want to find out either. My gut tells me to take it apart. That our focus should be on decommissioning it. However... I don't know if we're in any position to haphazardly throw away a potentially game changing resource."
"If it's all the same to you, Admiral," she said, offering him a reassuring smile. "I think you should listen to your, uh… gut. This thing destroyed not only the reapers, but the geth and the mass relays as well. Trying to repurpose it may end up causing exponentially more harm."
Admiral Hackett nodded grimmly in agreement. "That's what worries me. If you don't mind, I'd like to have you look over what my science teams have been coming up with. I fear that, in their excitement to study their new toy, they may be losing sight of the bigger picture. You know the Crucible plans and prothean technology better than most. So perhaps our concerns coming from your voice will have more weight to them."
Liara pursed her lips in thought for a moment before responding politely, "I'd be happy to. Send me what they've found and I'll take a look. If I see anything that confirms our fears, I will be sure to let you know."
Hackett once again nodded in appreciation before turning his attention to the other woman flanking him. "And how are you feeling, Lieutenant Commander?"
"Fine, sir," she replied casually without breaking her stride.
"Good. What's the status of the Normandy?"
"She can fly, sir, but she's got a pretty bad limp. She's gonna need at least a few weeks in dry dock just to hammer out all the dents, let alone bring her back up to full speed."
"That's what I was afraid of…" he sighed in his gravelly voice. "I've already set aside an intact docking bay on the Citadel. I want you to do what you can to get the Normandy ready as soon as possible. I've got a special assignment for you."
Ashley gave him a puzzled look. "Sir?"
"You weren't the only ones to get knocked out by the Crucible. We've been getting sporadic S.O.S. calls from within and outside the solar system from ships that we thought lost. Our SAR teams have done what they can to locate them, but by the time they zero in on their location, the signal usually vanishes. We believe that many of these ships suffered damage during the retreat, or were already disabled and pushed to the outer solar system by the Crucible's blast wave. Either way, we've got a lot of stranded soldiers drifting out there that could use a rescue."
Hackett abruptly turned, leading them all into an awaiting elevator at the end of an adjacent hallway. The door to the large elevator closed with a forceful swish after Tali entered, allowing it to begin a noisy ascent to a higher deck.
"Lieutenant, I want you to lead that effort," he continued with a great sense of certainty in his voice. "I'm giving you command of the Normandy to accomplish it."
Ashley nearly tripped when his words hit her ears. She turned with a start to look into the admiral's steely blue eyes, to see if he was joking or not. The venerable admiral didn't flinch or give her any sort of indication he had misspoken.
"Think you can handle that?" he asked, finally taking a glance toward her out of the corner of his sharp eyes.
Ashley stared awkwardly at him in surprise. "Of-of course. It's just that…" She nervously glanced around the elevator to the rest of her companions, to see if they were feeling the same way she was. But Liara, Garrus, and Tali could only offer her an equally surprised look. "It's his ship, sir," she continued, "It feels strange taking it if I'm being totally honest."
"I understand how you feel," he offered sympathetically. "But unfortunately, we can't wait for Shepard to recover. Every minute matters, and the Normandy's sensor array and speed could end up saving hundreds of lives. It's a resource we cannot let go to waste."
Ashley sighed in resignation to the admiral's point. While command was always something she had been striving for during most of her military career, this wasn't exactly how she envisioned getting it. But there were soldiers out there depending on the Normandy, and she wasn't about to let them down over a matter of pride. "Understood, sir," she finally replied. "I'll keep the Commander's seat warm for him."
Ashley's words brought a faint smile to Tali's face. While she was sure that Ashley would relish the well deserved chance to have a ship of her own to command, it was still reassuring for her to know that like everyone else, Ashley was eagerly awaiting Shepard's return.
"Good," said Hackett. "Bring the Normandy to Docking station 453. I'll have repair teams on standby awaiting your arrival."
The elevator abruptly ceased its grumbling and opened its doors with a noisy hiss, allowing Hackett to continue his march through the ship with the others in tow.
Much to Tali's surprise, this deck was somewhat quieter than the other. While there were still cots with injured soldiers lining the hallway, there were far fewer than before, along with fewer nurses attending to them. She tried to theorize why that might be, and her mind cautiously went to a more hopeful place.
Maybe this deck is reserved for those that need less care? Maybe it's for recovery?
Looking up and down the halls, she noticed holographic displays floating just above the doorways, each one listing a name and a series of vital readings alongside them. She intently studied the names as they went, looking for anyone she knew, but so far none of them were any she recognized. Looking further down the hallway, past Hackett and the others, Tali spotted two human marines casually leaning their backs against the wall, flanking one door in particular. Tali's heart immediately leapt when she guessed why, and she unconsciously quickened her pace, overtaking Garrus'.
Upon noticing the admiral and his eclectic entourage coming, both of the marines immediately bolted from their semi-comfortable position and snapped to attention, raising their hands to their foreheads in a firm salute.
"Admiral," they both said in near unison.
Hackett gave them a curt salute, signaling them to drop the formality.
"Is the doctor still here?" he asked the marine on his right.
The soldier nodded. "I believe so, sir. I'll go get her." He deftly tapped a command into the door's control panel and disappeared inside the room.
Tali tried to peer in through the doorway, but from where she was standing she could only see a white wall along with several holographic displays hovering brightly above their respective consoles. One of the displays had a series of horizontal lines running from left to right, and in a calm, repetitive rhythm, the lines would arc to a point before returning to a neutral position. Tali's eyes widened in sudden recognition when she realized she was staring at a heartbeat.
His heartbeat.
Tali tried to move to the side, angling herself to hopefully get a better look through the frustratingly narrow doorway, but within seconds the soldier returned, this time with a doctor that, despite their history, Tali almost didn't recognize.
Clutching a datapad firmly in one hand, a surprisingly disheveled looking Dr. Michel was now standing in the doorway of Shepard's room. The typically neat and clean doctor was sporting dark circles under her bright green eyes, and her usually neat auburn hair was dangling haphazardly around her pale face. Tali frowned seeing her like this. She was always so well kept and put together whenever they met. But much like the crew of the Normandy, it appeared adequate sleep was also a pipe dream for the overworked doctor.
"Any change?" asked Hackett.
Using her free hand, Michel reached up to rub her tired eyelids with her thumb and index finger. "Thankfully, no. He is stable…" she sighed in that peculiar accent of hers. "For now…"
"For now?" asked Liara, her voice growing heavy with worry. "How bad is he?"
Michel blinked in surprise at Liara's question, almost as if her fatigued mind had failed to notice the small group of people standing beside the admiral.
"His injuries were… are… extensive," she admitted somberly. "And unfortunately, many of his cybernetic implants have failed or are on the verge of failing. I'm doing what I can to keep the good ones operational and replace the bad ones, but-"
"But, he's gonna make it. Right?" Ashley interjected with a cautious optimism. "I mean, he's lasted this long."
Michel let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm… not sure. I'm hopeful, but I don't know much about what exactly Cerberus put in him. Chakwas knows more about his implants than I do. Hopefully with her here, I'll have a better idea of what he needs."
The atmosphere in the hallway grew dense as Michel's revelations slowly sank in. Liara, Garrus, and Ashely all exchanged nervous looks with one another, unsure how to truly respond to such foreboding news. Garrus just stood quietly with his arms neatly folded in front of him, his mandibles once again twitching unconsciously as he dwelled in his own thoughts and fears. Liara's once neutral expression grew sour, and she began fidgeting nervously with her hands.
"Can we see him?"
All eyes abruptly turned to the quarian who, up until now, had yet to say a word, or show any outward reaction for that matter. Unlike the others, Tali stood as still as a statue. Her gaze, looking past everyone else around her, was fixed squarely on Dr. Michel and the doorway she was still blocking.
"I'm… not so sure thats a good idea," said Michel, shaking her head sympathetically. "I have him sedated. So he won't even be aware of your presence. Also, many of his injuries have yet to heal, and-"
"I want to see him…," Tali said in a quiet yet forceful tone, fully making sure that the doctor knew this wasn't a simple request. Tali was becoming increasingly impatient. She was so close now. So close to the goal she had so agonizingly waited and struggled for that she no longer cared what Dr. Michel had to say about him. She just wanted to see him. To know that he really was there, and that this wasn't some fever dream or a horrible trick of fate.
The hallway became eerily silent as Tali's demand hung in the air. Michel shifted uncomfortably, surprised by the quarian's uncharacteristic bluntness. She looked to the others, hoping that maybe some of them would understand her warnings and perhaps speak reason to Tali. But the only thing they could offer her was a somber, almost pleading look. She soon realized the quarian wasn't exactly alone in her feelings.
Fully understanding the futility of her warnings, Michel shrugged her tired shoulders in defeat. "Very well," she relented in an exasperated voice. "Just remember, he's been through a lot, and he still needs time."
With that, Michel tucked her datapad in the crux of her arm, and cleared the doorway.
This time Tali didn't hesitate. She eagerly stepped forward, determinedly brushing past the others before they could even move.
Upon crossing the threshold, she was instantly greeted by the strange sounds of machinery clicking and beeping in a constant rhythm. Lining the adjacent walls was a collection of unfamiliar medical devices, along with a myriad of holographic screens displaying various vital readings that Tali was unsure how to translate. The largest, and noisiest, of the machines had wires and thin tubes leading to a bed placed strategically along the far wall. That's when she finally saw him.
What was left of him…
Whatever excitement she had felt leading up to this moment vanished the instant her desperate eyes finally fell upon the man lying still in the bed.
She could barely recognize him. His face, now partially obscured by a breathing mask, was covered in dark, painful bruises. The strange glowing, yellow scars that he once had after being resurrected by Cerberus, were once again visible, cracking his bloodied face and forehead in their almost sinister, web-like pattern.
His upper body, steadily rising up and down as he breathed with the help of a machine, was covered in freshly changed bandages that did little to hide even more deep crimson and purple bruises and burns.
Her eyes eventually fell to his arms. His right arm laid bare above the stark white sheets of his bed, with several sensors and an IV drip plugged directly into his flesh. His left arm, however, was completely gone. Just below his bruised and burned shoulder was a short, bandaged stump.
The sight of Shepard, and all that he was, caused Tali to inadvertantly freeze on the spot.
Liara was quick to follow her into the room, but made it no further than Tali. The sheer sight of Shepard in his current condition was enough to make her pause with alarm, and without thinking, she raised a trembling hand to cover her gaping mouth. "Goddess…" Liara quaked.
Garrus and Ashley stood side by side in the doorway, both stunned and horrified at the wreck of the man before them.
"I'm sorry…" Hackett said quietly. "I wasn't exactly sure how to tell you all… but I knew you'd want to see him regardless. I just wish we somehow managed to find him sooner."
Garrus' mandibles no longer twitched, but instead hung low, expressing a form of turian sorrow. Despite all he had been through and all he had seen, he didn't realize how unprepared he'd be to see Shepard, his seemingly invincible friend, in such a ruined condition. "He's made it this far…" he repeated in a hushed voice.
"Shephard's in the best of hands," assured Hackett. "I promise, we aren't going to let him go without a fight. Not after everything he's done for us."
After either having seen enough, or no longer being able to bear the sight of their friend in such a grievous state, one by one the crew of the Normandy slowly trickled back out of the cramped room. Ashely and Garrus, both offering one another comforting looks and gestures, took a step back to stand alongside Hackett in the hallway.
Liara soon joined them. She was doing her best to regain her calm composure, but that was proving to be a difficult battle. She tried to avoid any eye contact with the others, worried that if they were to offer her any form of sympathy, the water that had gathered in her eyes would quickly release.
Michel was about to close the door, to give Shepard some much needed rest and privacy, but stopped when she noticed they were one person short.
Tali was still standing in the room. She had yet to budge an inch.
"I'm sorry, but it's for the best to just let him sleep," said Michel in a sympathetic voice, trying not to offend the clearly distraught quarian.
Tali finally moved, but unlike the others, she stepped forward.
Softly placing one foot in front of the other, moving little by little, she drew closer and closer to the bed.
Michel tilted her head in confusion, unsure if the quarian simply misunderstood her or was deliberately ignoring her. She was about to head into the room to retrieve her, but stopped short when she felt a turian hand gently come to rest on her shoulder.
"She… may need a few minutes," whispered Garrus, leaning in closely so that only she could hear.
Michel arched a suspicious eyebrow at the turian, unsure at first as to why, but after spending a few seconds studying the dejected quarian's body language, and how she was looking at Shepard, both of her eyes widened in sudden understanding.
"Oh…," she stammered awkwardly, somewhat embarrassed with herself that she had failed to notice it sooner. "Of course. Take all the time you need," she said gently into the room, before closing the door and leaving Tali alone with Shepard.
Tali stood quietly beside his bed for some time, just waiting, watching. Watching his chest rise and fall with each labored breath. Watching the rhythm of his heartbeat steadily pulse up and down on a screen. Watching his eyes, hoping that somehow they would open, and let her know that everything was going to be ok. But no matter how long she waited, they stayed shut.
The room was anything but silent. The machines across the wall droned on, endlessly beeping and chirping in a constant chorus. Normally she would have welcomed the break in the dreaded silence, but for now, it brought her no comfort. Every beep, chirp, and click was like an intrusive voice. A voice insistent upon reminding her just how powerless she truly was.
Shepard was broken… and there was nothing she could do to fix him.
Tali looked down to his one remaining hand. It laid still on the sheet as it had when she first laid eyes on him. A single thought crept across her mind as she stared longingly at it. A memory of the last night they spent together. The last night she felt that hand touch her skin. The night before the Crucible fired, and everything changed.
"My system has adapted," she said, gently sliding across the bed to him so that she could fully press her body against his back. "No more negative reaction to you anymore. Thats how we survive."
"Is that how we survive? We adapt?" he asked, staring disbelievingly down at the floor of his cabin while sitting naked on the edge of his bed. Feeling the intoxicating warmth of his skin on hers, Tali wrapped her slender arms around him and in a soft, loving embrace.
"To a cold or inter-species contact? Yes. To the Reapers? No…" she answered, titling her face so she could better look into his eyes.
"You're doing the right thing," she reassured. "You've assembled the largest military force in history. Nobody could've done more."
Shepard turned and offered her a look of quiet doubt. "We've lost so much already… Sometimes I…"
"You don't know if what'll be left was worth the fight? I know. And when I feel that way, I reach for you," she said soothingly.
Shepard's doubt gradually melted away, revealing a faint, but loving smile, and he brought up his hand to rest gently against the side of her face.
With her own trembling hand, Tali reached for him. Taking care not to disturb the IV drip or the sensors, she wrapped her delicate fingers around his, and gave them a gentle squeeze, hoping, praying for some kind of response.
She felt nothing.
There was no reflexive motion to her touch. No warmth, no sound, no flutter of eyelids or heartbeat. No indication at all that her touch had affected him.
"Shepard…" she pleaded, her voice wavering as a flood of emotions was beginning to steadily well within her. She tried to fight back against it. To cement her mind firmly in a cautiously hopeful place, but an unexpected voice forcing its way into her subconscious rapidly made that struggle seem impossible.
"Perhaps if you paid better attention to your surroundings, people wouldn't have to suffer needlessly!"
She hoped to never hear that voice again in her life, but it came just the same. She tried to push it away, not understanding why her subconscious tormented her with it in the first place. But the more she tried, the more it took root.
The voice conjured images. Memories of London flashed in front of her eyes. Of their battle through the streets and their last desperate run for their target: the Conduit. Shepard was sprinting just ahead of her, narrowly dodging flying debris and blasts from the enormous reaper looming overhead. Almost all of her focus was on Shepard, trying to follow close enough behind him so that she could keep up and avoid the dangers that he was already navigating. But as she ran, she had failed to notice a mako tank ahead of them, and in a flash of light and heat, it exploded and soared into the air. Shepard ducked low to the ground to avoid it, but she…
Tali tightly closed her eyes, trying in vain to keep the rapidly pooling water within them from gathering any further as the memory mercilessly pressed on.
She had hesitated. When she saw the burning vehicle flying toward her, rather than duck like Shepard had done, like what she knew she should have done, Tali stopped running and stared in horrified awe. It was only for a split second, but it was more than enough time to seal her fate. She jumped at the last second to avoid being crushed underneath the smoldering vehicle, but not soon enough to avoid the coming shrapnel.
Tali grimaced behind her mask, gritting her teeth as she struggled to keep her anguish at bay. But the realization that the voice had brought her, the realization that she so desperately wanted to deny, stung her harder than any wound.
This… is all my fault…
Despite her best efforts, tears began flowing freely down her face as the words repeated in her mind again and again. A thousand possibilities soon flashed through her head, showing her all the ways things could have played out differently. She could've picked up her pace to run alongside him, taken a different route away from Shepard and the tank. Perhaps she could've sent Garrus after him once she was back in the Normandy's hangar.
Understanding the utter futility of it, Tali soon dropped the pointless exercise. It was too late to change anything, and nothing at that moment, no kind thought or gesture could assuage the guilt that Tali was brutally heaping upon herself.
Finally opening her now stinging eyes and taking a deep, wavering breath, Tali looked back over to Shepard's scarred face.
"I'm… I'm so sorry…" she grieved, firmly taking hold of his one remaining hand and squeezing it harder than before. "I… I…"
She could find no other words. Nothing to express the pain and regret that was washing over her.
Tali lost the will to speak, and for as long as she was able, she stood mournfully beside the man she loved, silently weeping as the voices of the machines filled the quiet void.