Okay so I won't even try to do some sort of cute introduction to make it seem less bad about the length of time I've been gone. Nor will I try to explain. All I'm going to say is enjoy.

Disclaimer: Do I really need to anymore?

Chapter Thirty-Seven

By Rosa241

Alex POV:

"So tell me about George?" Really? Of all the messed up things in my life you could possibly want to talk about that's the one you're going with!

Dr Caster simply stares at me with that the whole patience of a saint thing going on. Part of me wants her to keep talking just to fill in the deafening silence that's hanging around. I know she won't though. If I learnt anything during the previous three sessions it's that she's perfectly happy to wait until I finally crack and talk. Do I really want to broach that topic though?

Since that night with Meredith I haven't talked to either her or George unless it's had to do with a patient. They've both tried to apologise of course but I'm not sure I'm ready to hear them out. Ignoring them is easier than dealing with everything going on inside my head right now. Except…

That girl.

Since that first session when I spilled my guts about what happened that night at the hospital I can honestly say I've felt better. I can't say that it's gone or that I don't still feel guilt pouring through me but it no longer feels like this crushing weight. Honestly leaving that day I felt lighter, like I've left something behind.

Maybe it would help…

"George is…a colleague…" He's more than that and you know it. Stop hiding.

"Is that all he is?" My mind flickers back to her words from that first session.

If I ask any questions you're not ready to answer then just tell me and we'll put a pin in it.

It's a perfectly good out that I could use. She'd ask no more questions I know she wouldn't.

"No. He's a lot more than that." I'm almost holding my breath as I debate with myself how to word the rest of that sentence. "At first he was a colleague, then he was a friend and then…then he became something else."

"Something else?" That patient smile crosses her lips and I can feel myself relax a little. This is what I like about being here. I don't have to talk if I don't want to. I've never met someone like that before. Someone who just lets me pull back when I need to, I think that's why it's easier to talk to her than anyone else. Plus the whole doctor patient confidentiality helps as well. I know that she can't tell anyone what I say, no matter how embarrassing or ridiculous the thought she keeps it to herself. I can say what I need to.

"Something else…I started to care about him, a lot. Somewhere along the line he became someone I cared about and wanted more with. Never did anything about it though, figured that I'd get over it eventually plus I never imagined that he'd feel the same way." I wait for the pity to cross her face but it doesn't. Huh.

"But judging from what you said in our last session those feelings you have didn't go away and he did feel the same way. Is George the first person you've had these kinds of feelings for?"

"No. I've had feelings for people before but this one's different. It kind of feels like it matters more and I don't know why." That. That was the worst part. Sure I've had feelings for other people over the years but this time it feels different. It feels more important, more real, just…more. I wish I knew why though. I can't understand why this is different, it doesn't make sense. Sometimes it feels like there's something just out of reach, something there that I can't put my finger on.

"Has anything happened between you two?" Oh if only you knew Doc. Taking a sip of my water I shake my head with a laugh. "What's so funny?"

"That's a loaded question Doc."

"How so?" I can see that she wants me to talk about it but am I ready?

Maybe it will help.

Maybe she'll just confirm everything you've been thinking.

Maybe she can help you make sense of everything.

Maybe she'll think you're just no good and that George is better off without you.

Maybe she won't.

Screw it.

"A couple of friends of mine Meredith and Mark, I've talked about him before, knew how we both felt. They got so sick of us pining so they tricked me into telling him how I felt." Her face falls at the words and her voice is tight when she speaks.

"They tricked you? That can't have been easy to understand."

"I was pissed when I found out what they'd done. I trusted them both with my feelings and I thought they understood why I wasn't ready but then they did that. It sucked." Except… "Mark apologised though. After he found out about…everything…he apologised. He said that if he'd have realised how difficult things were for me then he would never have pushed me to do anything. It was strange."

"Him apologising to you was strange?" When you put it like that it just sounds odd.

"I've had a lot of people in my life do things to hurt me. My father, teachers at school who always assumed that I was just a troublemaker, so called friends who turned their backs on me…there's been a lot of people who've hurt me. But none of them ever apologised. They never tried to make it right when they realised that they were wrong about me, not that my father would know an apology if bit him on his ass. Mark was different. When he realised that he'd screwed up he went out of way to apologise and tried to help make things right." Forgiving him was easy.

"What about Meredith?"

"Meredith never apologised until Mark told her she was wrong. She never realised that she'd messed up and that sucks more than her tricking me I think." Actually I think that's more difficult than anything she's done. Seeing the question in Doctor Casters eyes I continue. "Meredith's had a rough life, she's the one person who I thought really understood me. Knowing what she knew about my childhood I thought that she got me, you know? I thought that she understood why I am the way that I am, why I sometimes do the things that I do…then she slapped me."

"She slapped you? Can I ask why?" Again there's a little tightness to her voice and that frown is back in place. She's angry. It's not at me though I can tell. She's angry at Meredith.

"She and George thought that I was sleeping with Mark. I pulled away from him and Mark was trying to help, they got it into their heads that I was sleeping with him. Then she slapped me after telling me what an awful person I was."

"You know what? I was wrong. I thought you'd be great together but I was wrong. You don't deserve him."

Her words that night were worse than the sting from her hand. I thought she believed in me but she's just like everyone else.

"She thought the worst of me just like everyone else always does. It's been that way my whole life. Everyone automatically assumes the worst about me without even knowing anything about a situation. I'm always in the wrong, no matter what it's always my fault. I thought she was different."

"You feel betrayed." Wait what? Apparently she senses my confusion because she expands. "You said that Meredith had a rough childhood, that you thought she understood you. I'm assuming that means you told her things about yourself, things you probably haven't told other people. Would I be right in thinking that she's probably one of the first people you've confided in?"

"Yeah. I don't talk to a lot of people about my life but Meredith was different. She gets it, the whole crappy childhood into semi functioning adult thing."

"You confided in her about things that you find difficult to talk about and she betrayed you by making an assumption and hurting you." For a while after she talks I say nothing. There's no sound apart from my breathing.

The revelation that her words bring me shakes me for a moment longer than I think I realise. I trusted her. I trusted Meredith and she hurt me.

Derek POV:

I can tell by the way she's staring out of the window that's she's thinking about Alex again. Lately it's been on her mind pretty much all the time. She's likes to act strong but she's more vulnerable than people realise. Meredith cares about Alex a lot and knowing that she messed up is hard for her.

"Mer." She shakes herself out of her stupor and focuses on me again.

"Sorry I was just…sorry."

"You were thinking about Alex." The fact that she immediately nods and doesn't try to deny it shows me how upset she is.

"I spoke to him today." She says after a beat.

"You did?" She says nothing for a moment but eventually she sighs and turns her attention back to the window. For a second I think she's gone again but then she speaks.

"He said that I betrayed him. He said that he trusted me with his feelings and I hurt him." Seeing the anguish on her face makes my anger at Alex grow but her next words quickly shut that down. "He was right. I know about his life, I know what he's been through and I should never have tricked him into confessing how he felt to George. He wasn't ready to deal with that and I knew that. I knew it but I pushed him anyway. Then when things went bad I let Izzie convince me that he was sleeping with Mark and I slapped him. I slapped him Derek! I never even let him talk that night I just went ahead and dumped on him."

There are tears in her eyes when she finishes and when I bring her in for a hug I can feel them soaking into my shirt. There's nothing I can say to make her feel better. She messed up. That's the long and the short of it. She's in the wrong this time.

"Have you apologised to him?" She nods but says nothing. "What did he say?"

"He accepted it but said it doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change what I've done." Her words are muffled given that she's buried her head in my chest but I hear them well enough.

"Unfortunately he's right. Apologies are great but they don't change the past."

Okay so this is shorter than I know you probably wanted but there's a lot that's happened that Alex needs to unpick and people need to make things right with him. The next few chapters are going to be trying to start putting things right.

Until next time,

Bye x