Archetypal Acolytes

"There. Almost done," Remy smiled in anticipation while stirring a large bubbling pot. "Just five more minutes…"

"Whew, it is warm in here," Piotr commented entering the Kitchen. "Humid too. But it sure smells good. Mmmm!"

"As it should," Remy grinned reaching for a tasting spoon. "This is without a doubt one of the finest batches of gumbo I've ever made."

"That is not all you have made," Piotr said noting the array of pans filled with catfish, collard greens and fried chicken hissing away on the stove. "Thank you for working so hard to make dinner. Is it okay if I have some now?"

"Sorry, mon ami," Remy shook his head. "No-can-do,"

"Please? I have not even had lunch," Piotr's stomach growled in protest. "I have been too busy replacing the base's air and furnace filters. I would just like a bite or two before getting back to work…"

"Snack on some chips or something if you're hungry," Remy waved while checking on some grits. "All of this food has been exclusively prepared and reserved for my lovely, fair chérie."

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "Not again!"

"Oh yes!" Remy grinned taking out trays of golden-crusted biscuits and peach cobbler from the oven. "My poor chérie has been laid up in the X-Men's Infirmary for weeks. Who knows what kind of horrible hospital-level food those culinary ignoramuses have been feeding her?"

"You obviously know," Piotr gave Remy a look. "Especially after monitoring Rogue with all the surveillance devices we have installed over there. Along with watching her through the X-Men's own compromised security system cameras."

"Exactly!" Remy nodded and began packing up the various finished dishes into a series of insulated containers. "My poor chérie deserves to have a decent meal. That's why I've prepared a special lunch of all her favorite comfort foods."

"Lunch?" Piotr blinked at the smorgasbord of Southern delicacies. "More like a twelve-course feast."

"Sweet potatoes, marmalade, jambalaya, three different kinds of pie," Remy ticked off the list while filling a thermos with chilled, homemade lemonade. "Everything my sweet, lovely chérie has been craving ever since she joined the X-Men."

"I thought Rogue refused to eat any food you made that used stolen ingredients," Piotr reminded. "Or had purchased by using stolen money."

"Well, I didn't steal the money or ingredients for any of this," Remy defended. "I bought every freshly harvested peach, wild-caught shrimp and authentic andouille sausage legally using Mags' credit card."

"I should have known," Piotr groaned. "Wait, wouldn't using Magneto's credit card without permission also be considered stealing?"

"The card might have been stolen, but not the money on the card," Remy pointed out. "At least not that I know of. Not that I'm admitting to having stolen, borrowed or used one of Mags' credit cards without his permission."

"Of course," Piotr sighed.

"Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi hooted popping into view.

"Huh?" Remy looked at Pippi in surprise. "When did the dodo get in here?"

"She has been following me around all day," Piotr explained as Pippi hopped up onto a counter stool. "She seems to like watching me replace the base's various filters."

"Do-doh, Py-roh," Pippi cooed taking a peck of catfish.

"No! Stop it! These treats aren't for you!" Remy scolded shooing Pippi away. "Get out of here! Go on, scoot!"

"But you have made so much," Piotr's mouth watered at the array of food. "Can't she have a little bit? And me too?"

"No!" Remy declared packing more containers. "Sorry, homme, but this food is meant solely for my fair, lovely chérie. That poor femme has been through so much. Doesn't she deserve to have a sweet taste of home?"

"Well, when you put it like that," Piotr sighed wistfully. "I miss freshly made food from home too. Especially my mother's syrniki with raspberry varenye."

"Exactly," Remy nodded. "My chérie deserves lots of love and comfort. And once see eats this she's bound to show me lots of love and comfort too."

"Oh no," Piotr groaned.

"Yep, the quickest way to a woman's heart is through her stomach," Remy smiled eagerly. "One bite of this and Rogue will finally fall for me for sure! She'll love my food so much she'll ask for more and will want to meet up all the time in order to satisfy her long-neglected cravings and appetite. And maybe she'll be open to me satisfying certain other long-neglected cravings…"

"I am not listening! I am not listening!" Piotr blushed covering his ears. "La, la, la, la, la!"

"Never fear, chérie! I'm coming!" Remy grinned as he rapidly finished packing all the food containers into a set of large picnic baskets before heading for the door. "See ya later, homme!"

"And just where do you think you're going, Gambit?" Magneto suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Uh, nowhere," Remy quickly skidded to a stop and hid the picnic baskets behind the Kitchen's center island. "Just thought I'd pop into the garage and tune up my motorcycle."

"You can do that later," Magneto said. "I just returned with a new water heater for the base. Go install it."

"What? Why me?" Remy protested. "Why not Piotr?"

"Colossus is busy replacing the base's filters," Magneto reminded shooting a glare at Piotr. "At least that's what he should be doing."

"I was about to start replacing the filters and membrane to the Kitchen's reverse osmosis system," Piotr defended. "But if Remy is going to install a new water heater now, I will replace the grease trap and range hood filters first."

"Well then what about Pyro?" Remy suggested. "Have him install the darn thing."

"Are you insane?" Magneto snapped. "What am I saying? Don't you remember what happened the last time that Flame Brained maniac got near the water heater?"

"I try not to," Piotr shuddered. "I still have the scars. Not to mention the nightmares…"

"Oh," Remy blinked. "You have a point."

"Why do you think the base needs a new water heater in the first place?" Magneto groaned. "That Fire Headed fool is the cause of ninety percent of all the damage that happens around this place. While the remaining ten percent comes from you!"

"What about the time Piotr spilled that barrel of highly concentrated acid that ate away the entire floor of your private lab?" Remy pointed out.

"That was an accident and you know it," Piotr whispered to Remy. "I was aiming for Magneto, but the DNA sequencers got in the way."

"Okay, you're only responsible for nine point nine percent of all the damage that happens around here," Magneto corrected. "Which is still nothing compared to all the trouble caused by Pyro. Speaking of which, what is that infernal inferno-loving idiot doing now? Or do I even want to know?"

"Pyro is currently playing with streams of giant soap bubbles in Storage Room Eight," Piotr said. "He offered to clean the dirty electrostatic filters when I refused to let him burn up the pleated ones."

"Well, that's not so bad," Magneto grumbled.

"He is also making the bubbles by filling them with methane before setting them on fire," Piotr went on. "Thought he did say something about wanting to experiment with hydrogen, propane, butane and ammonia…"

"What?!" Magneto yelped.

POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!

KA-BOOOOOOMMM!

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" Pyro's maniacal laughter rang throughout the base accompanied by several strings of explosions. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"Oh no," Magneto moaned holding a hand to his head. "Not again!"

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped. "Maybe I should not have let Pyro make any bubbles?"

"No, you think?" Magneto glared at him.

"Well, looks like the base's remaining air filters are about to get a workout," Remy said clapping his hands together. "I'll go sneak out…er, I mean, seek out and install that new water heater now. I'll just bring along these picnic baskets so I can eat on-site instead of wasting time coming back here for a meal."

"What meal?" Magneto asked. "What picnic baskets?"

"Why these picnic baskets…" Remy moved behind the center island. "What the…?!"

"Do-doh, do-doh," A very stuffed and satisfied-looking Pippi burped while nested inside one of the otherwise empty picnic baskets. "Do-doh, Py-rohhh…"

"Oh my," Piotr blinked at the collection of open and empty food containers strewn about the floor. "I do not believe it."

"Neither do I!" Remy yelled grabbing an empty container. "That blasted bird ate every last bit of food! How the heck did she manage to do that?! How did she even manage to open the baskets and food containers in the first place?!"

"I always said that stupid dodo was smarter than it looked," Magneto muttered. "Just like another trouble-making turkey around here."

"This is impossible! That darn dodo ate her entire body weight in food three times over!" Remy howled shaking the now-empty gumbo pot. "And in only a few minutes too! How is that possible?!"

"I don't know," Magneto admitted looking both disturbed and perplexed. "And I'm afraid to even try and find out."

"She ate everything! Everything!" Remy screamed sinking to his knees.

"Not everything," Piotr said picking up a sole unopened container.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Remy cried grabbing the container and kissed it in relief. "There's still the homemade peach cobbler left. I'm saved! I'm saved!"

"Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi suddenly jumped up and snatched the container out of Remy's surprised hands with her beak.

"You were saying?" Magneto quipped.

"NO! COME BACK HERE!" Remy screamed chasing Pippi out of the Kitchen. "GIVE ME BACK THAT PEACH COBBLER YOU VORACIOUS DODO! OR ELSE I CLOBBER YOU!"

"Do-doh! Py-roh!" Pippi hooted.

"Great, looks like that walking feather duster is bringing a snack to the other featherhead fool around here," Magneto grumbled. "All while being chased by a chaos-causing loon. Why did Gambit bother making so much food in the first place? And even more importantly, why didn't he make any for me?"

"Uh," Piotr gulped.

"Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Papagena!" Mastermind suddenly waltzed into the Kitchen wearing a multicolored feather-lined jerkin, bouffant-styled hair and bright green-striped yellow tights. "Bist du mir nun ganz gegeben? Nun so sey mein liebes Weibchen!"

"What the devil?!" Magneto gawked doing a triple-take. "Mastermind, what in the unholy blue blazes are you doing?! Have you been mixing aspirin with alcohol again?!"

"No, he is sober and is playing the role of Papageno from Mozart's opera 'The Magic Flute,'" Piotr supplied. Magneto gave him a look. "Mastermind asked me to sketch some possible costume designs for him earlier. Though I am not sure how he managed to actually get the costume…"

"That's one question I definitely don't want the answer to," Magneto groaned as Mastermind sang and pranced about. "I have enough nightmarish images running around inside my head. This is one of the most hideous and ridiculous sights I have ever seen. Not to mention the most disturbing!"

"Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Papageno!" Sabertooth skipped into the Kitchen wearing a bright feathered hat, blue-dyed curled hair and skin-tight feathered tutu with matching feathered skirt. "Nun bin ich dir ganz gegeben! Nun so sey mein Herzenstäubchen!"

"I take it back. That is the most disturbing sight I have ever seen," Magneto blanched in horror. "Please tell me Sabertooth is high on catnip again or something."

"No, he is sober too," Piotr said.

"Then why the heck is he wearing a tutu?!" Magneto roared. "Apparently willingly?!"

"Because he lost the coin toss on who would play Papagena," Piotr explained while subtly gesturing to Mastermind. "Or what he thought was a coin toss."

"I had to ask," Magneto groaned averting his eyes from Sabertooth's ensemble. "Why on Earth did you sketch that costume for Sabertooth?"

"I did not," Piotr corrected. "He designed that costume himself. And his makeup job too."

"I did not hear that," Magneto paled and desperately attempted to cover his ears through his helmet. "I did not want to hear that. I did not need to hear that!"

"Welche Freude wird das seyn! Wenn die Götter uns bedenken!" Sabertooth and Mastermind bellowed while gliding along and proceeding to sing their duet. "Unsrer Liebe Kinder schenken! So liebe kleine Kinderlein!"

"And I really don't need to hear this!" Magneto shouted. "Aggghhh, this is inexplicable!"

"I know," Piotr agreed. "Those two usually prefer Italian opera instead of German. Though Mastermind does really like Mozart."

"I'd really like some earplugs," Magneto winced as Sabertooth lifted a split-attempting Mastermind over his head. "Along with a mind wipe of this entire sanity-destroying monstrosity!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU THIEVING DODO!" Remy screamed in the distance. "NO, DON'T LICK UP ALL THE WHIPPED CREAM!"

"Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi hooted.

"HEHEHEHEHE!" Pyro cackled insanely. "EXPLODING FIRE BUBBLES FOR EVERYONE! THEY CLEAN EVERYTHING SO WELL! EVEN THE OLDEST BLOOD STAINS IN MAGS' LAB!"

"WHAT?! OH NO YOU DON'T!" Magneto yelled and quickly levitated himself out of the room. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU FLAME-OBSESSED…AAAHHHHHH!"

FA-WHOOOOOOOOOM!

"YEEEOOOOOOWWW!"

"Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-geno! Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-gena!" Sabertooth and Mastermind chirped dancing out of the Kitchen.

"Oh well. Back to work," Piotr shrugged turning towards the Kitchen's reverse osmosis system. "Good thing there are no madness or insanity filters around the base. Otherwise I would be stuck replacing them continuously."

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Papageno, Papagena".