[The story opens with Stan, not shown, peeking with a telescope outside the Mystery Shack Stan, looking for the customers.]
Stan: [looks around] Where could they be? They should've been here hours ago! Arrgh. [a paper blows away] Not a customer in sight. If I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash! [hears Mabel cheering]
Mabel: Yippee! I'm rich! Look, Soos! [Soos gasps in joy] Eight gold doubloons!
Stan: Wait! I saw it first! Hyah! [jumps onto the gameboard on the table and sweats] Mine, mine! [gets confused]Huh?! Mabel: Boy, Stan, you sure are sweaty I thought Dipper was the sweaty one..
Dipper: Hey!
Stan: What's this? Where are the doubloons?
Mabel: [laughs] There are no real doubloons, Grunkle Stan! It's a game: "Blackbeard's Treasure Hunt." [the camera pans to the gaming board]
Soos: Based on a [camera zooms at the packaging of the game he's holding] real treasure map.
Mabel: Take a break and play around with us.
Soos: Yeah! C'mon, sweaty.
Stan: Have you finished cleanin' the tables?
Mabel: I cleaned the tables, Grunkle Stan!
Stan: [holding one of the tables] But did you scrape all the gum off the underside? [the table is squeaky clean]
Mabel: [chewing gum along with Soos] I already took care of it. [Soos makes a bubble out of gum and pops it right away]
Stan: [chuckles] All right, kid. Looks like you've shanghaied me. [sits down and joins the game]
Soos: My turn. [rolls the dice] Five. [makes a raspberry noise while moving piece, then reads a card] "One of your shipmates has been a bad pirate! Send him to the brig!" [starts to think, Mabel turns her eyes toward Stan] It's off to jail for you, Mr. Pines..
Mabel: My turn. [rolls the dice and moves the piece] One, two, three, four. [picks up the card and reads it] "Look for the Deacon's Goose thru the fork in the old tree and head that way." [leans slightly to look through the hole in the green tree] Well, I see Grunkle Stan' zipper is undone.
Stan: [gasps] Hot Belgian Waffles!
Mabel: [laughs] Just kidding, Grunkle Stan. [now off-screen] I'm almost to the treasure. [gives Stan. the dice] Your turn again, Grunkle Stan.
Stan: [rolls the dice] Ooh! [moving the piece in front of Mabel's eyes] One, two.
Mabel: [picks up card and reads it] "You are a real pirate. Go straight to the 'X' that marks the spot." [points at the 'X'] You get to dig for treasure, Grunkle Stan!
Stan: Treasure... [Mabel gives him a small toy shovel and digs a hole with it to reveal a mini plastic treasure chest in the middle of the board] There it is. [getting more excited] It's Blackbeard's' Treasure! [picks up the tiny chest] Gold, gold, gold! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! [starts sweating profusely]
Mabel: Hey, Grunkle Stan is getting all sweaty again and he must be learning from you. (Mabel laugh, Dipper glare at Mabel.)
Toby: [walks into the Mystery Shack] Rev up those mechanics , 'cause I am sure buying one- [Stan. picks him up, holds him over his head and heads for the door] Help! Help! [Stan throws him out the door]
Stan: Can't you see we're closed?! [rushes back to the game table] Ready for another round? This is my kind of game! [cut to the exterior of The Mystery Shack]
Mabel and Soos: [off-screen] Hooray!
Stan: Six! One, two... I win again! Oh, that's seventeen times in a row. [scene changes from day to night. Dipper, Mabel and Soos look tired; Soos is even asleep on the table]
Mabel: [in a very tired voice, Soos is snoring, Stan is rolling the dice again] I think we oughta call it a night, Grunkle Stan. I really gotta get some sleep.
Stan: Oh, you can't walk out on me now.
Dipper: I'm sorry, Grunkle Stan. [yawns, then slings Soos over his shoulder and carries him out] See you tomorrow... [The scene wipes to a tired Dipper and Mabel, walking to the their attic bedroom door house.]
Mabel: [opens door, rattling noises heard] Huh? Who's there? [notices Stan playing the treasure game, turns light on]
Stan: Come on, kids. One more game. I can smell the treasure.
Mabel: [pushes Stan outside] Grunkle Stan, it's late. Go to bed! Good night, Grunkle Stan . [slams the door, but Stan is inside the room once again]
Stan: Wind is perfect, the tide is right. Let's hunt for treasure.
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, you gotta... [opens the door, and Stan is now outside]
Stan: Tread softly, kid. If Blackbeard hears you, we'll never get his treasure.
Mabel: But, Grunkle Stan...
Stan: I'll roll for you, kid.
Dipper: But, Grunkle...
Stan: [rolls the dice] 8 paces, north, that's a good start, kid.
Mabel: But, Mr...
Stan: One, two, three...
Dipper: [yelling in frustration] Grunkle Stan! We wanna go to bed! [pauses] Grunkle Stan, I'm sorry, but it's just a game, you know?
Mabel: Dipper right, It's just a game?
Stan: A game. That's... right. Of course it is, my mistake. [picks up the game board and folds it in half] I guess I got a little carried away, eh? Though it is treasure we're dealin' with here. Sorry, for disturbin' you, kids. [Stan walks away while Dipper shuts the door. Morning arrives, and then the "rooster" crows everyone up. Dipper and Mabel is still snoring.]
Stan: [off-screen] Avast! Mystery, ho. [rings bell as Dipper and Mabel wakes up]Heave two, and prepare to be boarded. [rings bell again]
Dipper: Aw, go away already. [gets out of bed and looks out the window] I'm done playing that game Grunkle Stan. .
Stan: That's Captain Stan to you, [shows a real pirate ship] and this is no game. We're gonna be pirates.
Mabel: [excited] Pirates?
Stan: Aye! How'd you like to go on a real treasure hunt, with a real treasure map?
Dipper, Mabel and Soos: [Soos appears from the side of The Mystery Shack]Treasure? [dancing around] We're gonna be pirates, we're gonna be pirates!
Stan: Ay, ay, ay. Belay that skippin'. Pirates don't skip. [throws them a bag of pirate stuff] Put on this pirate garb, so I won't be embarrassed to be seen with you. Arrgh.
Mabel: Oh, Soos. Look! Peg legs and eye patches.
Stan: Now, don't you feel more like pirates?
Mabel: [walks towards the plank using two peg legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate! [loses her balance and falls on the plank]
Soos: [walks towards the plank with two separate eye patches covering his eyes]I'm Blindbeard the Pirate. [falls on Mabel]
Mabel: Ow.
Dipper: I'm Shipmate the pirate [falls on Mabel and Soos]
Stan: Arrgh!
[The scene wipes to Stan, Dipper,Mabel, and Soos on the ship in midair. Soos rows the ship in reverse.]
Stan: [reads the map] Keep a sharp lookout, Mabel. Accordin' to the map, we're close to the first landmark.
Mabel: Really? Can we see the map?
Stan: Uh... no! Only the captain can lay eyes on the map.
Mabel: Okie dokie, then. [salutes]
Stan: Arrgh, a pirate doesn't say, "okie dokie, then." A pirate says, "arrgh!"
Mabel: Oh. Okie... oops. [laugh] I mean... [standing up] arrgh! Captain Stan. [as she looks backwards, her eyes widen as a giant rock is nearby] Captain, we're about to hit... uhh... I mean... arrgh, Capt., arrgh, we're, arrgh, about, arrgh, to hit, arrgh...
Stan: Out with it kid, arrgh!
Soos: I, arrgh, think, arrgh, he's trying, arrgh, to say...! [crashes into the rock] land...
Stan: Arrgh! From now on, only the captain says, arrgh! Status report, Mr.
Pines?
Dipper: The whole ship is underwater, captain.
Stan: Arrgh, we're marooned then. Our treasure hunt will have to continue on foot. [Bubble transition to the crew approaching a desert plant.]
Stan: This is it, guys, from the plant with two leaves on it. [the plant actually has three leaves] 10,000 paces east.
Mabel: But, Grunkle Stan , that plant has... [Grunkle Stan pulls a leaf off, leaving with two as he mentioned earlier] Which way, cap'n?
Stan: Ensign Soos, which way is east?
Soos: Uhh... let's see, uhh... [examines the compass needle, which shakily points north. He points what is presumably the wrong direction.] That way, captain! [The crew walking the final few steps.]
Stan: 9,997... 9,998... 9,999... 10,000! [no "X" is present] Where's the "X"? Supposed to be right here! 10,000 paces east.
Soos: Ooh! East? I thought you said "weast"!
Soos: Weast? What kind of compass you readin', Soos?
Soos: This one, dude.
Stan: [examines the compass] That's west, Soos. You're fired. [The scene fades to the crew walking again in the opposite direction, which they should've done in the first place thanks to Soos's misreading.]
Stan: 9,551... 9,552...
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, we're tired.
Soos: And hungry.
Mabel: And I have to go to the bathroom.
Stan: Oh, so this is my crew. You get a little tired, a wee bit hungry, and a potty break. and you wanna shove off for home. Arrgh! That sickens me. [holds a wooden cutlass] A pirate is not judged by the notches in his cutlass, or the size of his booty. A pirate is judged by the loyalty [his eyes fill up with tears] of his crew. And without a loyal crew... [one of Mabel's eyes fill up with tears also] what am I captain of? Just a... bunch of sand! [cries]
Soos: [cries] Don't cry, Captain Stan.
Mabel: [sniffles and crying] Yeah, we'll be your loyal crew. [both cry too]
Dipper: and we promise we'll be your loyal crew.
Stan: You'll stay with me then?
Dipper Mabel and Soos: We'll be the most loyal pirate crew ever!
Stan: I knew I could count on you guys. [shows his hand] One for all!
Dipper Mabel and Soos: [place their hands on top of Stan's hand] And all for one! [ Nighttime as Dipper Mabel and Soos sleep outside the tent, shivering.]
Mabel: I'm so loyal, I don't even mind sleeping on the cold, hard ground while Captain Stan sleeps in his w-warm, dry tent.
Soos: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks.
Mabel: But we've only been out for a few hours.
Soos: I know. [chuckles. Dipper and Mabel moves away]
Dipper: I'm so loyal, I don't wanna sleep till we find the treasure. Let's go see if the captain will go now!
Dipper Mabel and Soos: [entering the tent] Captain Stan?
Mabel: He's not here.
Soos: Look! The treasure map.
Dipper: Only the captain can look at the map, Soos.
Soos: [walks toward the map] Yeah...
Dipper: Soos, what are you doing?
Soos: Nothing.
Dipper: Soos, you're not supposed to look at the map. [Soos pokes at the map]
Soos: I'm not looking, I'm touching. There's no rule against that, is there?
Mabel: No, guess there isn't. [both poking the map, until it opens] Oops! Soos, it opened by itself. [both giggle. Their eyes enlarge and search the map]
Mabel and Soos: The map, the map, the map, I gotta see it, I gotta look at it. [their eyes freeze for a second and then pop back in their heads; their eyes become black]
Soos: Dude?
Dipper and Mabel: Yeah?
Soos: Did you notice something familiar about this map?
Mabel: You mean, like that it's our game board taped to a piece of paper?
Stan: [appearing right behind them and angry] Do you think this is a problem?
Dipper and Mabel: [scream] Grunkle Stan!
Stan: So, sneakin' peeks at my treasure map?
Soos: We're sorry.
Stan: That's mutiny on my ship. So you think ol' Captain Stan has gone crazy, do ye?
Dipper: Not at all, Captain Stan. We don't think that at all!
Mabel: Shipmate Dipper right. We don't think that at all!
Soos: I think that.
Stan: I'm gonna throw you overboard for sayin' that! [Dipper Mabel and Soos both kneel and beg for mercy, before realizing that the "X" symbol is underneath them.]
Mabel: [gasps] Look! It's the "X."
Stan: [eyes go into "X" like symbol] "X" marks the spot!
Mabel: Wow! That game really is based on a real treasure map.
Stan: Well, what are you waitin' for, kids? [Dipper Mabel and Soos both start digging] Dig! Dig! [the scene fades to minutes later] Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig.
Mabel: We got it, Captain Stan.
Stan: Ha, ha. Hand it up to me, kid. Heave! [brings the treasure up] We finally found it. [opens up the treasure chest] Female Chorus: The Dutchman's Treasure!
Dipper Mabel and Soos: Wow!
Mabel: What are you gonna do with your share, Soos?
Soos: I don't know. How are you gonna spend your share, hambone?
Stan: What shares? You're not gettin' any of my treasure!
Dipper: We found it together. So we deserve a share!
Stan: Well, I'm the captain. And I say it's mine!
Mabel: What about loyalty? [All four are now fighting over the treasure chest.]
Stan: All for one.
Dipper: And one for all.
Stan: All for one.
Mabel: And one for all.
Stan: All for one.
Dipper and Mabel: And one for all.
Blackbeard: [sleeping] I'm Blackbeard.
Stan: All for one.
Dipper and Mabel: And one for all.
Blackbeard: [sleeping] I'm Blackbeard. [wakes up] Who dares wake Blackbeard? Keep it down will ya? I'm tryna get some sleep. [noticing them fighting over the treasure chest] Huh?
Stan: All for one.
Dipper Mabel and Soos: One for all. [lightning strikes]
Blackbeard: Who dug Blackbeard's treasure?
Stan: [shoves the chest toward Dipper Mabel and Soos] They did!
Blackbeard: Arrgh! [picks up the treasure chest] So you two scallywags dug up me treasure?
Dipper Mabel and Soos: [hugging each other in fear] Uh-huh!
Blackbeard: Well, you saved me a lot of diggin' you did. So here's a reward for the three of ya's. [Blackbeard gives them three gold doubloons.]
Dipper and Mabel: Wow!
Female Chorus: Two gold doubloons!
[Dipper Mabel and Soos take the doubloons and Blackbeard puts away his treasure chest in his pocket.]
Stan: Wait! I'm captain of this crew! Where's my reward?
Blackbeard: Hmm, I guess you're right. A little somethin' for your trouble. [flicks something to Stan]
Stan: Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold! [a tiny plastic treasure chest] Huh? Why, it's just a little plastic treasure chest!
Female Chorus: Plastic!
Blackbeard: Aye, but it's based on a real treasure chest. [laughs]
Soos: Gee, Mr. Pines, you're lookin' all sweaty again. [Blackbeard turns into green smoke and vanishes, ending the story..]