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Chapter 12

Drop the act

Willow left the crypt door close behind her and placed her stuff on the coffin the next evening. As she began to arrange candles and sprinkle powder on the ground, the vampire grabbed a statuette to examine it. "What's that for?" He asked, showing her the object.

"It's a representation of Maâl, the goddess of revelations. I'm gonna summon her to show me what kind of connections you have with the First."

"Uh-huh…"

"Did you find out anything?" The young woman asked him while busying herself.

"Not since yesterday," the vampire said, shaking his head. He put the statuette down and lit a cigarette. "What did you tell them this time?" He asked then.

"I waited until Buffy went out to patrol," she replied while arranging round stones in a circle. "Giles went to the library to research the balance of forces of Nature in Asia. He hopes he can find a copy or equivalent of the book Dawn discovered."

After a few minutes, the witch got up and invited him to stand in the circle. The vampire stubbed out his cigarette and stepped over the symbolic frontier as Willow got out. "There may be a lot of light and it's possible that the spell will exhaust me. Don't leave the circle if I haven't told you so," she said.

"A lot of light?" The vampire pointed out with a frown.

"Don't worry, it's not sunlight."

"Okay… I guess you've thought of everything then." The young woman nodded vigorously while searching for a red candle in her bag. She then sat down a little further away so as to face the circle. "Should I stay standing?" He asked, glancing around.

"Oh… No, you can sit down. It doesn't matter," she replied after a few seconds. With these words, the witch lit the candle which she placed in front of her then closed her eyes to concentrate.

Buffy felt tired when she reached the small wooden gate surrounding her house. She had encountered four vampires and a demon whom she had managed to kill without much difficulty. Yet shortly after her fight, she had experienced a surge of anxiety and panic again. It had left her weakened and more alone than ever. She had felt this helplessness again, this inability to control her own body and she had burst into tears into a dark corner in the street. After regaining her senses, she had slowly returned home, brooding dark thoughts. She felt her life slipping away as the days passed without her making a move to stop it.

Her concern about Willow's behavior had also reappeared and left her wondering. A wave of loneliness overwhelmed her and she hurried on to find her friends. When she entered her home though, she discovered with disappointment that it was empty. Intrigued, she searched for her phone in her pockets and dialed Giles' number, who replied in a hushed voice that he was at the town library. She then called Willow but her friend didn't pick up. Frowning, she looked for her sister's number in her phone book.

Dawn answered quickly and Buffy was relieved to learn that no incident had been reported on campus. Her sister also told her that Xander was having a boys night out with his friends from the building site. As Buffy was about to start some light conversation, she heard voices and music through the phone. Dawn told her that she was at a party with several of her friends and Buffy decided to let her sister have fun. She hung up after making her promise to be careful.

As she placed her coat on the sofa, the young woman hesitated to call Angel. She knew he would notify her if any new information came up, but she simply wanted to talk to a friend. She pressed the buttons until she found his number and held the device between her shoulder and ear while she waited for the vampire to pick up. In the end, the fifth ring went off and put her on the answering machine.

Buffy slowly put down her phone and let her gaze wander around the living room. The sadness became even more oppressive when her eyes fell on a photo of her mother placed on the edge of the fireplace. As if moved by a desire to prolong this pain, she moved closer and grabbed the frame. The Slayer's eyes filled with tears as she looked at her.

"Willow?"

The young red-haired woman trembled under the weight of the forces swirling around her. For his part, Spike had been watching her struggle for many minutes. Slightly worried, he wondered for a moment if the witch would have enough powers to control the energy that was growing stronger by the second in the room.

Suddenly, a blinding light burst from the young woman to hit him head-on. Under the force of the impact, the vampire was pushed back to the other end of the circle. The light then immediately went back towards the witch whose back hit the wall of the crypt before dying out. Sensing that the spell was over, the vampire jumped out of the circle and leaned towards the witch who was struggling to catch her breath.

"You okay?"

Willow nodded, unable to utter a word. He gave her a few moments and stood up to observe his crypt. This light had overturned all the furniture in the surrounding area. Only the witch's circle, materialized by stones and powder, seemed not to have suffered from its presence. Finally, he turned again towards the young woman who was gradually recovering.

"Did it work?" He asked her. "I don't feel anything different…"

"It's normal but I think it worked. Can you bring me this book, please?" She replied softly while nodding towards a book peeking out of her bag placed on the coffin.

The vampire grabbed and handed it to her. Willow grabbed it weakly and placed it in front of her, wide open. She then pressed her hands on the pages and a golden wave emerged and spread through the pages. The witch laid her head back as a smile lit her face. Spike grabbed the book and leafed through the pages. Some passages of an unknown language were colored in this same golden color.

"What's this?" He asked her.

"I asked Maâl to know the nature of your links with the First. This light analyzed you and came back to me so that I could decipher it. The golden color tells me what tallies with your situation," the young witch explained while slowly getting up.

"And what does it say?" The vampire asked again, handing her the book. Willow shook her head. "I need to translate the passages but I really need to rest first," she said, taking a few steps. Spike nodded and picked up the witch's stuff which he put back in her bag. "You gonna be okay?" He asked her as she walked towards the door.

"Yes, I'm just a little tired but I'd like to be home before Buffy comes back from patrol," she replied, grimacing. "I'll take the bus," she added, "Don't worry." With these words, Willow left the crypt and crossed the cemetery towards the nearest bus stop.

The Slayer carefully put the photo frame down when she heard the front door closing. Her eyes still wet, she turned around and saw Willow slowly place her things at her feet.

"I tried to call you," she pointed out while coming closer. The witch jumped, unable to hide her clumsy gestures as she tried in vain to appear natural. "Oh, yes, I… I didn't hear my cell phone."

"Where were you?" Buffy asked her.

"I… I did some research on spells…"

"At the library?"

"No, no. At the cybercafe; I discovered that there's a room… for witches' meetings." Willow then noticed the bag overflowing with magical ingredients that her friend was staring at suspiciously. "I did some tests," she hastened to add, "And… it really tired me…"

Buffy turned her attention to her friend and actually noticed she looked haggard. "You should go and rest," she suggested, "I'll probably go out again for a bit, I'm not sleepy."

The witch nodded and climbed the stairs while the Slayer watched her, more concerned than ever. She knew Willow was hiding something from her. Her instincts were telling her that something was very wrong.

Buffy came out a few minutes later and breathed in the characteristic night air. She walked randomly and ended up in front of the small café that had welcomed her two days before. Hoping to find the well-being she had felt last time, she pushed open the door and ordered a hot chocolate before sitting down in a comfortable armchair against the wall. Looking around, Buffy noticed that the crowd was noticeably different from that she had observed previously.

The room was silent despite the presence of several customers, all sitting alone on their own. The Slayer noticed that the late hour had attracted people whose secrets and troubles could be read on their faces. Beneath their apparent calm and a certain slowness of gestures, theirs faces were tired and their gazes lowered.

A tall, dark-haired young skinny woman particularly attracted her attention. Her extremely tight outfit highlighted her bones and her eyes ringed with smoky makeup stood out against her porcelain skin. Large purple dark circles contrasted violently with the apparent care of her outfit and betrayed extreme fatigue. Moral or physical fatigue, the Slayer would not have been able to say. Had she tried to create an illusion for an evening before being overtaken by what was haunting her?

Buffy wondered as her heart ached at the memory of past events. She knew what it was like. She had already tried to forget her pain in the past. She hadn't fallen into excessive drinking, drugs or even partying incessantly every night. Instead of trying to forget herself, she had wanted, on the contrary, to feel like she existed, to feel loved. But you don't desperately ask for something that you are not ready to give yourself. It quickly turns into a nightmare, into obsession, into disgust. And of course, it doesn't heal anything. It just leaves a gaping wound that reopens every time you think about it a little too much, and she had learned that the hard way.

The Slayer shook her head. It was easy but dangerous to think about it when she felt that her morale was low. She was past all that, she forced herself to think. She had explained herself to him. She had made a mistake but she no longer needed to feel guilty. Everyone made mistakes and then tried as best they could to live with them. Confusedly, Buffy felt that her uneasiness had not so much to do with the past but with the future though. Had her need to be loved left her? No, of course not. Only, it was no longer pathological, it would not help her to hide and cut herself off from the rest of the world.

She thought about Jack for a few moments. Would she know how to recognize love if it appeared in front of her? Buffy closed her eyes. She knew the next question was the most important: was she willing to reciprocate that love if it was offered to her? While taking a sip of her hot chocolate, Buffy felt unified with the silent distress of this young woman for a few seconds. She found herself addressing a silent prayer to anyone who would listen, with the hope that she would find the strength to bounce back.

The next morning, Buffy served Xander a cup of coffee and let him drink a few sips in silence before discussing why she had asked him to come over on a Sunday morning at 9 am when he had only slept a few hours. The Slayer felt nervous and forced herself to sit up to appear more natural. She had thought about this conversation in her head over and over again and had ended up admitting that the best way to see a little more clearly was to share her doubts with someone she trusted. Her best friend was a natural response but now that she was in front of him, she hesitated. In the end, she shook her head.

"Xander, I think Willow has a problem."

His friend raised his head from his cup, looking questioningly at her. "What kind of problem?" He asked. Buffy bit her lip and got up from her chair to pace around. This behavior didn't escape Xander whose brow furrowed in anticipation of her response.

"I wonder if… if Willow isn't hiding something from us. Something serious," she clarified in front of Xander's astonished face.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, she lied to me twice in the last few days. She went out making up excuses and she didn't tell me where she really went…"

"What do you mean she left without telling you where she really was? What did she say?" Xander asked her, puzzled by these confused explanations.

"She told me that she was going to the cybercafe to access the Internet but the connection worked fine!" The Slayer replied with annoyance in front of his incomprehension.

"And… that's it?" He said, more and more surprised by his friend's attitude.

"No! Last night she told me she went to a witch meeting to try out some new spells but she seemed very uncomfortable! Besides, a man came here to see her. I saw him when I came home from work."

Xander shook his head. "Have you ever seen this man?"

"No. Well… Maybe. I didn't see very well. Only his figure. I was far away and it was already dark," she tried to justify herself while sitting down again.

She then looked down at her hands for a few moments. She had to mention Spike if she wanted Xander to react. Indeed, what she had told him didn't seem to worry him. "I think," she began, keeping her eyes fixed on her hands, "I think… it was Spike."

"Spike?" Xander repeated in disbelief. "But… I thought you didn't know who it was?" He pointed out to her.

Buffy looked up and shrugged. "I thought I saw it wrong but… I'm almost sure," she finished with conviction.

Xander had placed his half-full cup back on the counter in front of him and he shook his head again. "She would've told us if it was him," he decided after a few seconds of silence. "If she didn't say anything, it's because it was someone else. An acquaintance who resembles him maybe."

Buffy sighed. "I'm worried that… maybe… with magic…"

"Don't, Buffy. She controls that. She came too close last time; she won't take that risk again," her friend firmly affirmed.

"What about the Internet excuse?" The Slayer insisted.

"Maybe the connection came back just after she left. It's just a coincidence, Buffy."

"But…" She stopped when she realized that she was running out of arguments. She only had her intuitions or doubts that she obviously couldn't convey. Xander walked around the counter and came closer to her. "What did she say when you asked her who it was?"

"I didn't tell her," Buffy admitted, lowering her eyes. "I didn't know what to do and I wanted to talk to you first…"

His best friend gently placed his hand on her shoulder then. "This new threat shouldn't make you lose sight of the essential: you can trust your friends. You can trust Willow and me. And so that you can have peace of mind, we'll ask her who this mysterious person was as soon as she gets up," he suggested. "You'll see that you have no reason to doubt."

The Slayer nodded and pressed Xander's hand on her shoulder. She still didn't feel completely convinced and she was sure that she would be right on at least one point: it was Spike that Willow had seen the last time.

Suddenly, Giles entered the room, clothes rumpled and looking haggard.

"Giles, are you okay?" Xander asked him with a frown. "Did you get any sleep?" He added after observing him for a few moments.

"I… No, I didn't have the chance to." The watcher replied as he walked towards the coffee maker. Buffy watched in astonishment when he emptied his coffee cup while he informed them of the reasons for his sleepless night. "I've read everything I can find on Asian energetic theories, but I'm afraid the last copies of the book we're interested in are in China," he sighed. "Jiang-Mai is almost certain she can locate the right libraries…"

"That's good news," Xander said.

"Yes… I just hope we can have access to these libraries," the man murmured, his eyes almost closed.

"You should go get some sleep, Giles," the Slayer suggested, "You're falling asleep…"

"I have a meeting with Angel in thirty minutes so he can give me information about the necklace he gave you to fight the First," he said, putting down his cup while searching his pockets for his car keys. Understanding what he was doing, the young woman thought it would be good to remind him that he didn't have any here. "Ah, yes… Can I borrow yours, Buffy?"

Before she could answer, Xander intervened. "Giles, you're much too tired to drive! That'd be suicide!"

"We may be in great danger, Xander, and we have lost enough time. It is essential to find concrete elements and Angel can't move around during the day," the watcher cut him short, grabbing his coat.

The young man also put on his jacket and headed towards the door. "I'll be the one driving then."

After Giles and Xander left, Buffy waited impatiently for Willow to get up. Although she was convinced that she had seen Spike, she still wanted to believe that her best friend had a perfectly logical explanation for her whole attitude. Finally, around 11am, she heard the bedroom door open and saw the witch rushing down the stairs.

"I gotta go back to where I was last night," she said when she arrived in front of the Slayer as she put on her coat. "I… I think I discovered something that can help us but I need to be sure," she continued. Faced with her friend's silence, she added before walking out the door, "It shouldn't take long, I'll call you."

Buffy only hesitated for a few seconds before deciding to follow her best friend. She waited a minute, then slipped out and closed the door behind her. Willow rounded the corner on her right and the Slayer followed suit, making sure to leave enough distance between them. Buffy's mind was spinning at dizzying speed and she gradually realized the absurd situation she had just gotten into: she was following her best friend like a thief through the streets of the city based on a presumption and thanks to her inability to communicate…

The young woman seriously considered turning back as she crossed an intersection and was now struggling not to lose sight of the red-haired witch among the passers-by on a busy avenue in the city center. No doubt she was indeed going to a cybercafe. Buffy didn't know anything about computers and she might be missing something about this connection thing. Maybe the connection didn't work up to Tibet and Willow needed a more powerful computer. That way, she had been able to meet a community of witches who helped her develop spells…

Buffy was about to turn around when she observed her friend leaving the bustle of the street to head towards a park. The Slayer's instincts immediately kicked in and she resumed her tailing as discreetly as possible. She noticed that the witch didn't seem to have noticed her presence at all. Only her brisk walk indicated to Buffy that her friend was not at ease, and that increased her anxiety even more.

A few moments later, Willow quickened her pace, forcing the Slayer to increase her pace as well. Finally, the witch passed the gates of a cemetery and Buffy grimaced. How was she going to follow her without being noticed in this particularly silent place which offered few hiding places if the young woman turned around? She decided to increase the distance between them while the witch almost ran between the graves. In that moment, there was no doubt in the Slayer's mind that she knew the way. Finally, Willow stopped in front of a crypt and knocked. Buffy cautiously stood back and watched her friend rush in after someone opened the door for her.

Long seconds passed before she finally reacted. Her heart sank at the thought that she had been right not to trust her best friend. Several minutes later, she wondered whether she should force the door or wait for Willow to come out before questioning her about her real activities since it was now clear that no cybercafe, even a witch one, could be located in a crypt in the middle of a cemetery… The anger she felt made her seriously consider her first option but she decided to wait for Willow and confront her with her lies the moment she thought she had managed to trick her. Furthermore, if Willow were accompanied by witches or in the middle of a magic shoot, the Slayer could really struggle to control her. So she leaned angrily against a grave and began to bite her nails one by one.

After what seemed like forever, the Slayer stood up and heaved a long sigh. Willow still hadn't reappeared and her anger had faded to disappointment. She took out her cell phone and started to dial Xander's number before slamming it shut and biting her lip. What was she going to tell him? That Willow was in a crypt and doing something? Xander would definitely find an excuse for her and deny the obvious until Buffy brought proof before his eyes, she noted with annoyance.

She began to go around the crypt and discovered a small stained-glass window on the facade. As she approached, she noticed that she was missing a few centimeters to be able to reach it. While cursing her parents and genetics, the Slayer moved slightly away from the crypt in search of any object on which she could climb. After several minutes of searching around the crypt, she still hadn't found anything that would allow her to look inside. The Slayer then decided to push her research a little further and headed towards the central alley of the cemetery, hoping that the employee shed would provide her with the solution to her problem.

Arriving at her goal, it still took the Slayer several more minutes to find what she was looking for. She was beginning to despair and considered not delaying any longer or she would miss Willow before eventually discovering a wheelbarrow and tools leaning against a freshly dug grave. She grabbed it after getting rid of the shovel and the rake and ran to the crypt. She then turned it over before placing it under the stained-glass window. As she carefully placed her foot on the slippery metal, she held on to the cold stone while praying that her friend hadn't already left.

Barely steady on her precarious support, Buffy almost crashed to the ground in front of the scene that was taking place before her eyes. Despite the stained-glass window worn by the years, the Slayer could clearly see her best friend finishing buttoning a black shirt above her jeans and which was obviously not the shirt she was wearing when Buffy saw her enter. It was even a little too long for her and must certainly belong to a man while her wet hair showed that she took a recent shower. At the same time as immense relief came over her, Buffy was overcome by a horrible doubt.

She wanted to come back down but the one she had feared alongside the witch appeared in an unambiguous outfit as well: wearing only black jeans, Spike was shirtless, a towel thrown carelessly over one shoulder. He approached Willow and handed her a cup which she took with a smile before heading towards a dark corner of the crypt while the vampire followed her. Buffy leaned further to try to see them but almost lost her balance and barely caught herself.

Stunned, she carefully got out of the wheelbarrow and leaned her back against the cold stone of the crypt for a few moments to try to understand what she had just witnessed.

The young witch was brimming with excitement when she walked through the door of the house a few hours after she left. Yet she discovered the Slayer still, sitting on her sofa in the darkness. Puzzled, she called out to her.

"Buffy?" The Slayer turned her head at the sound of the witch's voice. She didn't answer immediately though and heard her name again, "Buffy, you okay?" Willow moved closer after hanging her coat in the hallway. She watched as the Slayer slowly raised her face towards her. "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay," Her friend replied in a low voice.

"Where are the others?" The young red-haired woman asked, glancing around.

"Giles had a meeting with Angel to get more information about the necklace that was used against the First and Xander went with him."

Willow beamed as she sat down next to the Slayer. "Perfect! I found information about that glowing object you saw with Angel and Xander. You won't believe me, but it's this necklace; the one you gave to Spike!"

Hearing this name, the Slayer's gaze darkened a little more. If this was the necklace Spike had worn, he was probably involved in this whole thing, she thought angrily. Him refusing to help made perfect sense now. At first glance, the only element that didn't add up was the presence of Willow by his side, but Buffy had been putting the pieces of the puzzle together since this morning and she didn't like the result.

Faced with her friend's lack of enthusiasm in view of this crucial information, Willow began to suspect that she was missing something. "Buffy, is there something I should know?" She asked cautiously.

The Slayer sighed inwardly. It was time to confront Willow with her contradictions. She had to be sure of her friend's loyalty despite her relationships and for that, she had to know the source of her information. Concerning what she had discovered between the witch and the vampire, she would face it.

"Willow, what are you hiding from us? What are you hiding from me?" She asked suddenly, fixing her gaze on her.

"What?" The young witch replied, unable to help but blush, "Nothing, Buffy, I…"

"Please, Willow!" The Slayer exploded, standing up abruptly, "I saw you. I saw you both!" She continued in a flat voice.

The witch tensed upon hearing her words. She sighed and shook her head, ready to confess everything to her best friend. "I… I don't know what to say, Buffy, I'm sorry!" She began, getting up as well, "I couldn't tell you… I swear I didn't want to push you aside but…"

"You act like you've fallen back into dark magic, Will!" Her friend accused her, "You disappear, you give lame excuses and you're distant!"

"No, I swear it has nothing to do with that, Buffy!" The witch got alarmed at the idea that her best friend would consider her a threat again, "I haven't touched black magic in two years, I swear! I'm so sorry, Buffy, I…" The witch stopped as guilt knotted her stomach in front of her friend's anger.

Buffy's blood was literally boiling but she knew that the reason she felt so angry wasn't as valid as she would have liked. She sincerely hoped that she could believe Willow and she forced herself to turn to the one to whom she had entrusted her life many times. The anxiety she could read on her friend's face finally convinced her of the sincerity of her words on this point.

"Listen," she continued more gently, "I'm sorry for yelling, Will. I'm glad it's not that, it's just… I understand you didn't tell me but…"

Her voice cracked and she felt tears streaming down her cheeks. Her feeling of loneliness, these moments of panic which took her by surprise and left her extremely weakened, her irrepressible fear of not living up to what was expected of her and above all, the complexity of her feelings towards Spike, all these sensations mixed together in that moment before overwhelming her.

Unaware of what was really going on, Willow rushed to her best friend to hug her. "I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed, "I'd never have made this promise if I had known it'd make you so sad! But he didn't want me to talk about it and I didn't know what to do…"

"That's fine, I shouldn't have followed you and gotten involved… It wasn't any of my business," the Slayer murmured, trying to swallow back her tears. "I'm sorry you see me like that," she added, trying to regain her composure.

"I wanted to tell you but he could get a lot of information and that could help us…"

The Slayer raised her head. "Information?" She repeated, lost. The witch nodded and Buffy felt her heart break a little more. Willow had definitely ousted her from the vampire's heart and the Slayer felt more alone than ever. Faced with her friend's silence, which she interpreted as a wait for details, the witch told her about their latest discovery.

"When I saw him earlier, he told me that he had spotted the necklace and he was almost certain that it was the object you had seen. He has started to fit among the demons but they don't trust him enough yet and he can't get too close to the room. I went down there with him and I was able to make ourselves invisible for a few moments to check his trail. Unfortunately, it required a lot of effort and I fainted on the way back," the witch admitted with a disgusted pout.

In front of her friend's look of incomprehension, Willow frowned. "What's wrong, Buffy?" She got worried.

"I… You didn't see Spike?"

The witch frowned more, "I did! It was thanks to him that I recognized the necklace!"

"But… you… you're not… I saw you in the crypt…"

Willow's eyes widened in shock as she realized what her best friend was implying. She grasped in an instant the full significance of her words and what the Slayer's state really meant. The young woman mentally slapped herself for not figuring it out earlier.

"Oh, Buffy, of course not!" She exclaimed. "He had information and he didn't want to impose himself on the group so he talked with me, that's all! I swear, Buffy, nothing is happening between us!"

"But in the crypt, you had… wet hair and he…"

The witch firmly shook her head. "I passed out in the sewers when I went through a vent near the drain pipes and I fell into the water. Spike fished me out. I had to take a shower when I got back… you would have suspected something," she finished, blushing.

Seeing that her friend didn't react, she couldn't help but find new arguments to convince her of her good faith.

"I know I said I may be interested in men again," she said, "But really, it's not about vampires or creatures of the night nor mystical creatures… Even though it's about Oz and Oz is a werewolf and, you're right, he's a mystical creature and a creature of the night," she continued faster and faster, "But it's only about Oz and it's not about Spike! I swear, Buffy!" She finished, out of breath and ideas.

Concerned, the witch carefully scrutinized her pale face, ready to give her the smallest details of all the minutes she had spent with the blond vampire to reassure her. She blamed herself for having accepted this deal because of which she had almost lost the trust of her best friend and she couldn't help but curse that idiot Spike at the same time.

Suddenly, the Slayer started crying again, hugging her best friend. Panicked, Willow imagined that she didn't believe her and she was about to justify herself again when Buffy spoke.

"Will, forgive me… I'm so stupid," she whispered between sobs.

The young woman nodded slowly in relief. "You're both stupid," she said, smiling.