Chapter 16

Cards on the table

"You're what?"

"Connected to the First," he repeated quietly while looking for his pack of cigarettes in one of his pockets.

The young woman had stopped her walk a few steps from the bench. In the end, she processed the vampire's words and her heart sank. A resurrection without an evil counterpart did not exist and Spike was certainly no exception to the rule. This thought also annoyed her to no end. She deserved to know news of this importance!

"And when exactly were you planning to tell me?" The Slayer asked him angrily.

"Now," he replied, leaning over to light his cigarette.

Buffy stared at him. The vampire had such a casual attitude that she wanted to slap him. She forced herself to breathe calmly and continued, as indifferent as possible.

"Are you dangerous?"

Spike looked up and met her icy gaze before shrugging. "Maybe. But so far nothing has happened and the redhead thinks we only have a psychic connection."

"Like the last time when you only became its puppet?" The Slayer sneered before freezing, "You're so reckless! You're both so reckless!"

"I told your friend that I didn't want to get involved but she managed to convince me to…"

"To what? To go in search of the book that the First keeps preciously so that you can prevent me from getting it back?" The vampire threw away his barely lit cigarette butt before getting up and facing the young woman who was shaking with anger. "Willow doesn't think it's manipulating me. She's done some tests and it seems we have a psychic view of each other but no ability to influence each other…"

"You don't know! You can't make such decisions without telling me!"

"And what more would you have done?" The vampire answered back, feeling anger take over him in turn. "You may be the Slayer but you don't know shit about magic!"

"Like you said, I'm the Slayer and I'm the one who makes the decisions," Buffy fumed.

"It's not always about you!" The vampire snapped, "Wake up! There was nothing you could have done; the only thing that bothers you is not controlling everything!"

Spike stopped the Slayer's hand a few inches from his cheek. Her eyes burned with rage and he prepared to fight in a second. He knew that look even though it hadn't been directed at him for several months. It made it clear that the warrior in her had replaced Buffy Summers in that moment. Yet nothing came of it. The Slayer let her hand fall to her side and stared into his eyes.

"Whether you like it or not, this is up to me to settle this thing and I need to know all the details."

"You don't trust us?" He asked her. "You don't trust your best friend?"

Buffy felt shaken by this innocuous question. She felt so confused for weeks that she no longer knew where to turn. All she could think of at that moment was that Willow had kept what she knew about Spike from her. She had let her go with him knowing that he was connected to the First.

"I am the Slayer, and for this task I will always be alone," she finally replied, staring at him.

The Slayer walked past the vampire before quickly going away. As she walked, she gradually realized what had just happened. She felt almost a stranger to the scene in which she had been the main actress a few seconds before. Her words and actions were not hers. She had felt like she was two years ago, when words were no longer enough to express what she felt and she had used her body to communicate.

Buffy froze when she realized that tears were silently sliding down her cheeks. She noticed a tree not far from her and took refuge there, out of sight of the tourists who continued to move around her, oblivious to someone else's drama or that of their world.

Protected from the others, she could not hold back even more tears. Where did they come from? she asked herself, stunned to see that her body was so sad. Was it because of her inability to figure out her state of mind? Because of this ever-increasing feeling of weariness which overwhelmed her? Because of her inability to express her fears to the people who loved her?

For all these reasons and many more, the Slayer cried for a long time. In the end, when she had no more tears, she tried to regain control of herself. She felt calm but also terribly anxious. She could no longer deny the obvious: she was not doing well; she was a mess. Her mood swings, melancholy, moments of helplessness, all of this could only be connected.

Her reactions and aggressive behavior towards Spike forced her to admit that she was not in control of the situation. The fact that she had wanted to hit him, even for a split second, proved that her old demons were trying to resurface and she did not want to plunge back into the hell she had struggled to escape. This painful episode was etched on her memory and today was an alarm to not repeat the same mistakes.

The Slayer sighed. She had to face reality, admit that she was not well and look for the causes. And she had to not only admit it to herself but acknowledge it in front of others. This was the hardest part. She had to seek help and confide if she wanted to see her situation improve or she would drown in her increasingly tortured mind.

Although she had no doubt about it, talking about herself cost her a lot. She was lucky to have friends she could count on, but what concerned her today went beyond a broken heart or arguing with her sister. It was about who she was, her particular nature, her position as the Chosen One. No one could really understand her, so what was the point of confiding in them? How could she share a mission that placed her between two worlds, that of humans and that of darkness. A mission that put her in a position of superiority over her peers and that tended to exclude her from their group, even though she was one of them too. She then imagined herself to be a sea wall, the only bulwark against the force of the waves that tirelessly returned to hit her head on. Who was she to resist forever?

Buffy shook her head to clear her dark thoughts. She definitely needed therapy, she thought with a grimace. She then thought of the monk from the great Taoist temple. This man had a benevolent aura that had enveloped and allowed her to relax a little. Since he seemed to be involved in the location of the book, she decided to go back there immediately and take the opportunity to ask him a few questions about peace of mind. Surely, he had mastered all its secrets.

"Excuse me, may I come in?" The monk was sitting cross-legged and he opened his eyes and recognized the young blonde American woman he had spoken to two days ago. He smiled. He had known as soon as she left that she would return.

Buffy took his smile as an invitation and slipped through the doorway, closing the door behind her. She walked over to the small garden and settled down next to him on the grass as the monk closed his eyes again.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she began, "but I wanted to ask you a few questions and…"

"I'm in deep meditation. I can answer later if you want."

"Oh… Yes, of course!" The Slayer replied, "I… I'll wait a little further away."

As she was about to walk away, the monk turned to her and motioned for her to stay. "Meditation might also answer some of your questions."

Buffy frowned. "I don't think so. My questions are about…"

"Your questions are about life, its protection and knowledge. You'll only be able to access them by preparing your mind to accept these answers. Sit down…"

Stunned, the Slayer sat down and leaned towards the monk. "I met Tao and he told me that you knew the book. Do you know why I am here?" She asked him suspiciously.

The monk smiled again and finally opened his eyes. "Your warrior strength can be felt from miles around. Your life force as well even though both are somewhat altered…"

"Altered?"

"Yes. I always thought that a warrior like you needed to use a large amount of life force to maintain your fight. Yours are less dense than I thought. That is certainly why you do not yet have the answers to your questions…"

The Slayer shook her head. This gibberish made no sense to her. "I'm sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to tell me…"

"Free your mind of your doubts. You must not burden yourself with useless thoughts in the war you want to fight."

Buffy sighed. She had promised herself to find answers and to no longer look the other way, but she had not planned to do it so quickly or in front of this monk who seemed to read her like an open book. Strong in her resolve though, the young woman took a deep breath.

"It's just that… I can't help it," she murmured.

"Listen to your mind. What does it want right now?"

Buffy took a few seconds to think. "It wants… peace. It wants to complete my mission. To protect my family and friends but…" The Slayer fell silent and shook her head.

"Meditation will help you get rid of the obstacles in your mind's path. Close your eyes…"

After some hesitation, the young woman finally followed the monk's advice and took a deep breath while closing her eyes. She tried to clear her mind and push away any idea that assailed her mind. Yet after long minutes of inner struggle, the Slayer sighed and opened her eyes.

"I can't concentrate," she explained as an apology, "I need concrete answers. I need the book…"

"The book will guide your fight in the right direction but it won't ensure your victory…'

"Of course it will!" The Slayer exclaimed, "I need this book, it's our only chance to figure out what's going on!"

The man gave her a sympathetic smile. "I understand now why your vital and warrior forces are diminished. It is not due to the transmission of your powers to the other warriors. It's only about you. Your mission."

The Slayer stared at him for long seconds. His serene face did not seem to judge her or request a justification despite this singular observation. She felt tears well up in her eyes then.

"I don't want to be the Chosen One." Her voice was barely audible through the wind. The monk laughed softly and Buffy got confused. "This is not funny," she continued with a sad smile, "You don't know how much everyone counts on me…"

"There is no true warrior who has not rebelled against their destiny sometime or another. The weight of the world is very heavy for such frail human shoulders, but it is also for this reason that these exceptional human beings fight the impossible."

"Haven't I done it enough?" She asked bitterly.

"The number of trials is equal to what you can endure. If you were chosen among all, it is because you could bear it."

"It's not because I was the strongest?"

The monk shook her head. "What would be the point of a warrior with immeasurable strength if they cannot withstand the trials of a human life without losing their mind?"

"I wonder if I ever had this strength…"

"Maybe you don't feel it anymore, but it can't have disappeared."

Buffy sighed. This conversation gave her some insight at the same time that it raised further questions. "I have… experienced a strange sensation for several weeks," she said. "Sometimes, I feel really helpless, then this sensation disappears and I feel calm again. I have never felt this before…"

"I couldn't answer you precisely on the cause of this phenomenon," the monk replied while shaking his head. "Either way, your mind seems to be struggling with agitation. Listen to it. It wants to tell you something."

"But… what if it told me to no longer be the warrior you describe?"

"A warrior is born and dies with their force. It never leaves them. You must find a way to reintroduce it into your life."

Buffy remained silent for a few moments. She had expressed her anxiety in front of this stranger who inspired her confidence and the man had not seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation. Or maybe it was not as important as she thought, she reasoned. Yet she felt she was on the right path, the one that would allow her to regain her strength or at least understand why she had lost it.

"Do you know where the book is?" She finally asked.

"It is in the Shentai cave halfway up the Mount. You can access it from the west side without being noticed by the guards. You'll just have to hide behind the immense rocks that litter our mountain from the village. Creatures are carefully guarding the book though and you'll have to destroy them to get it back."

"How many are there?"

"About thirty, maybe. They're demons as well as vampires or beings from other worlds."

"Other worlds?" The Slayer was surprised and the monk nodded. "Since sharing your power, the balance has been upset…"

"The balance? The book's also about balance… We'll go get the book tomorrow!" She then decided as she stood up. The monk simply nodded and closed his eyes again as the young woman walked away.

When she saw Spike in front of the hotel smoking a cigarette that same evening, Buffy forced herself not to rush towards the stairs and lock herself in her room. She owed him an explanation and above all, she had to inform him of what the monk had said and of her intention to retrieve the book the next day thanks to the way he had told her about.

"The monk knows a path that'll allow us to access the cave and get the book back tomorrow," she said by way of greeting. The vampire blew out the smoke he had inhaled, watching it dilute in the warm night air. Before he could answer, the Slayer spoke again. "I didn't mean to talk to you like I did, I'm sorry," the young woman admitted, grimacing. "I got surprised by this… announcement."

Spike nodded and took another drag as Buffy continued. "I trust Willow completely and if she thinks there's no risk, then there isn't. I only wish you had told me sooner…"

"Willow wanted to talk to you but I wasn't sure of your reaction so I chose to delay until now," the vampire explained.

"You were right to doubt my reaction," the young woman said with a smile while taking a seat next to him. She looked at the starry sky for a few moments. "Around thirty demons will be waiting for us tomorrow. We gotta be ready."

"I always am."

Buffy stayed a few more moments enjoying the mildness before heading towards the door. At the threshold, she turned to the vampire. "Good night, Spike."

The next morning, the Slayer got ready quickly and took a look at her mail box before leaving. To her delight, a word of her sister awaited her.

"Hey, Buffy, I hope you're having fun in China! Actually, I hope you're careful and return quickly. Everything's okay here, only a few attacks that we've been able to easily handle so far. Xander keeps complaining about your absence, I think he's trying to make us jealous! Giles tells you to keep the book from light when you get it back and Willow would like you to bring her back some ingredients if you have time. She'll give you a list soon. Give us news. Love you, Dawn."

Reassured to know that her sister and friends were in good health, Buffy hurried to knock on Spike's door and then they both headed towards the cave.

They easily spotted the enormous rocks that the monk had told them about and thus avoided the vigilance of the guards who remained fixed on the monumental staircase. The Slayer had not been able to bring daggers or more visible defensive weapons on the plane and she had opted for a simple stake hidden in her belongings which had passed through customs without incident.

She and Spike cautiously entered the cave. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, Buffy nodded to the vampire to indicate her next move. He nodded back and they both moved silently towards the bottom of the place.

A few moments later, at the bend of a gully, several demons of all sizes spotted their presence and the fight began. Buffy easily avoided several attacks and got rid of them in just a few steps. For his part, the vampire also seemed to be in good shape.

The numbers of demons around them suddenly increased though and the young woman focused harder. The first attack threw her to the ground and she only had time to roll to avoid the next blow. After getting back on her feet, she sent the demon crashing into the wall but was surprised by another demon who punched her hard. Stunned, Buffy tried to find her stake which had slipped from her hands and Spike crushed his foot on the back of a demon who threatened to slash her with its claws. He then helped her up while the Slayer caught her breath and thanked him with a look.

Finally, after long minutes of fighting, the two warriors noted with relief that they had killed all the demons in the cave and that no more noise reached them now. "The monk told me about thirty demons… I think the count is good," the Slayer said, catching her breath while glancing at the bodies piled up all around them.

"It's too easy," the vampire replied while readjusting his coat warily.

"We're not gonna complain!" Buffy retorted, already heading towards the back of the den.

After a minute's walk, they caught a glimpse of a faint light. As she approached cautiously, the Slayer made out an altar on which rested a huge, very ancient-looking book. It was surrounded by small candles and seemed to be waiting quietly for its new owner.

"Here it is!" She exclaimed with delight.

"There may be other demons," Spike grunted, looking around carefully.

"There isn't! The monk said about thirty demons and everything is silent now. Let's go. I'll get it back and we're out!"

Spike didn't have time to respond. The young woman had rushed towards the altar and almost reached it when a dull growl shook the cave. In a split second, he spotted his enemy, a particularly angry demon more than sixteen feet tall. Before he could make a move, he saw the Slayer being propelled into the air and then crashing onto the hard ground. He threw himself at the beast and tried to push it back but was easily thrown away. He stood up immediately while glancing at Buffy who was trying to regain her senses. As he engaged in combat again, a guttural laugh came from the monster.

"Is this all the Keeper of the book can find?" He sneered in a booming voice.

Spike was not distracted and he hit his opponent several times while he dodged its own punches. The monster took a few steps back before trying to grab the vampire to better break him, but its imposing stature slowed him down considerably and Spike kept escaping. In the end though, the beast managed to reach him and sent him rolling on the ground several feet away.

As he stood up again, Spike saw Buffy who had gotten up and was walking towards the book. Unfortunately, the beast had also spotted her and it was about to stop her. Horrified, the vampire saw the demon grab a huge boulder and throw it with all its strength towards the young woman, unaware of the danger. Without thinking further, Spike threw himself in front of the Slayer before the rock reached its target.

"You didn't tell me that a sixteen feet demon was guarding the book!" The Slayer roared when she saw the monk at the back of the temple. He turned and watched her walk towards him, visibly unaffected by the young woman's vehemence. "You could have warned us!" She got indignant again.

"I had no particular notion regarding this demon."

"But you're supposed to know this mountain and its occupants! You knew that around thirty demons would be waiting for us down there! Now they know we're here!" The young woman was furious and clearly not concerned about being in a sacred place of meditation, "And you didn't tell me that you were the Keeper of this book before the demons stole it! If you had told me what was written in it, I wouldn't have needed to risk my life to go look for it!" She got angry again.

"You would have had no use for this information," the monk replied while continuing to organize the altar of his temple.

"Of course I would!" The young woman exclaimed while following him, "If you know what's in it, you could just tell me yesterday when I saw you and I wouldn't have taken any unnecessary risks!"

"You weren't ready to hear what was in it."

"What?" She yelled, "You don't know if I'm ready or not and that's none of your business! Who are you to lecture me? Do you realize that Spike…" Buffy shook her head. She got carried away by her emotions and she did not wish to expose them in front of the monk.

"Do you have the book?" He asked her while lighting an incense candle.

The Slayer narrowed her eyes. Had the monk not heard what she had just told him? "I don't have this book and when I do, don't count on me to give it back to you!" With these words, the young woman stormed out of the temple and slammed the door forcefully behind her.

She continued walking briskly for several minutes until her anger lost its intensity and her mind calmed down a little. Only then did she stop under the setting sun and took a long breath in order to vent her rage and frustration.

This stupid monk had made fun of her by hiding essential elements and Buffy felt this betrayal more intensely than she would have thought. Everything was clear now: he had simply used her to get his book back by giving her the information she needed. She had believed for a moment that this man could guide her through the twists and turns of her moods and the disappointment was all the more acute. Could she ever trust someone so much that she could open up without restraint? Didn't she deserve it?

The events of the day before were now flooding back into her and Buffy thought back with bitterness to the unforgivable mistakes she had made. First of all, she had listened without suspicion to a complete stranger who had been able to manipulate her as he pleased. Then, she had not proved herself worthy of her combat skills and had been thrown on the ground several times following misjudgments of her enemies' techniques. And finally, she had practically thrown herself into a death trap without realizing it. If Spike hadn't been there, there's no doubt she wouldn't be here tonight…

She then thought of the fear she had felt when she had seen the unconscious vampire collapsed on the ground, his clothes torn and face stained with blood. God only knew how she had managed to drag him out of the cave while trying to fend off the monster. But just when she had finally felt safe outside, she had noticed with horror the smell of burning skin making her nauseous. It didn't take her long to realize that Willow's ring had broken under the impact and that the vampire was vulnerable to the sun's rays once again.

At this memory, her heart sank again. When she had finally reached the hotel and removed the cloak that had somewhat protected the vampire, she had discovered him paler than ever. His cuts were mixed with blood and burned flesh on his face and arms. The young woman had remembered rushing up the stairs to ask for help from the woman at reception who was not there when she had entered. Buffy also remembered her helplessness and uselessness when the woman had tended to the vampire and she had paced around the room. She closed her eyes as she heard Spike's screams when she had applied alcohol to his burns and was forced to hold him down on the bed while the woman had finished treating him.

She had remained at his bedside for the rest of the day and tried to ease his suffering with a few cloths of cold water. The vampire had regained consciousness in the evening. Although very weakened, he had been able to speak a few words then fell asleep again. Not knowing what else to do, the Slayer had stayed up until early morning before falling asleep in her chair, crushed by the weight of emotions and fatigue. When she had woken up, Spike was sitting on his bed, looking out the darkened window. His face was swollen and many burn marks dotted every part of his body that the sun had managed to reach.

"How do you feel?" Buffy had asked him. He had tried to smile but the pain was stronger. "You should rest…"

As he had rested his head on the pillow, he had questioned her. "What happened?"

"You jumped between me and this huge rock… It's a miracle you're still here," the young woman had replied faintly. He had glanced at his hands and she had guessed his next question. "The ring broke because of the impact. I took you here as quickly as possible…"

"The book?" He had asked.

Buffy had shaken her head and pulled the bedroom curtains tighter.

A tear rolled down the cheek of the young woman who had sat down on the last step of the grand staircase. She had resigned herself to going out for some fresh air after several more hours of monitoring the vampire's health. Very quickly, the numbness she had felt all day had diluted and turned into anger. She had then rushed to the person most responsible for this bitter failure: the monk.

Buffy looked at the maze which rushed towards the void. The people around her always ended up paying the price. Like punishment for trying to help her. Angel had lost his soul, Willow the love of her life, Xander his eye, not to mention Dawn and Giles who had almost lost their lives repeatedly. And Spike… What hadn't he lost for her? His will, his reputation, his previous life and even his dignity sometimes.

Buffy buried her head in her hands. Her mission was to protect others and there was no way that the roles were reversed. She refused it with all her will. Even if she felt more and more helpless, less and less skillful, and more and more vulnerable with each fight. The monk was right, she suddenly realized. She was not ready to hear what the book contained because she was no longer worthy of her mission.

This is not a happy moment but it'll get better!