Chapter 18

Promises

Spike had sat down on a bench away from the happy crowd after leaving the monk. The whole night had been full of laughter, fireworks and shouts of joy around him but he hadn't paid attention to it for a second, far too busy turning over the monk's words in his head to find any meaning in them. He had also considered running down the mountain, finding the Slayer and trying to reason with her once more. But to tell her what? In truth, he had no other arguments than those he had already given her.

The vampire threw his cigarette to the ground and watched it go out for good under the breath of the wind. He knew that the Slayer had felt cut off from others sometimes in the past but he had also believed that she had accepted her difference and that she no longer suffered from it. What had he not seen? What element was he missing? The young woman had had all the possible answers about her status as a Slayer and if she could not put up with it, there was nothing he could do.

He had wanted to stay away since his resurrection, he had even tried everything to not meet her. At that time, he had decided to no longer interfere in her life to let her make her own choices and at the same time, save the little sanity he still had but he was involved now. He had never stopped being involved actually, he realized with a groan.

Spike sighed. He wanted to help Buffy, but he needed to deal with his own demons. First, he had to get rid of his connection to the First, which he felt more and more strongly. Despite what Willow had assured him about its inability to manipulate him again, he expected to find the Slayer ready to drive a stake through his heart at any moment without being able to remember what he had done. On top of that, he also had to live with the guilt of his past actions. Since he no longer had an apocalypse to stop, he had too much time to think. And to suffer.

He looked up at the sky and contemplated the daylight that was already trying to erase the stars.

After all, he didn't have to steer the Slayer down the path the monk had laid out for her, he mused as he stood up. If Buffy wanted to take a step back, he didn't see why she couldn't do it. Of course, he didn't envision her completely abandoning her mission and status, but maybe she needed to take care of herself and repossess her body. Her moments of helplessness reinforced her idea that she was no longer up to the task and she needed to regain confidence in herself and her abilities.

If there was one thing he agreed with the monk, it was that Slayers never lose their inner strength. So he had to find a way to give it back to her.

When he crossed the door of the small hotel shortly before sunrise, the woman at the desk called out to him. After asking about his condition, which she judged to be much better, she pointed out with a sorry look that their reservation was coming to an end and that she had not had any cancellations to accommodate them further. Spike simply nodded and assured her that they would leave the premises at nightfall.

He went upstairs and could not help but stop in front of Buffy's door, looking for a noise that would indicate that she was not asleep. It was still early and he did not dare to knock for fear of disturbing her. He then resolved to wait a few hours before going to find her.

At 8:30, unable to hold back any longer, Spike got up from his bed where he had not actually closed his eyes for fear of not hearing the Slayer come out of her room. Arriving in front of her door for the second time, he leaned over it to detect a sound.

"Come in, Spike."

Surprised, the vampire turned the handle and entered the room. "I heard you stop behind the door," the young woman explained before he could ask. "This morning too," she added, "I didn't really sleep…"

Spike watched her carefully. Her pale, drawn features accentuated her already thin figure wrapped in a light white shirt over her tank top from the day before. She had tied her hair back and her slow movements emphasized the impression of exhaustion that emanated from her. She had drawn the curtains and the room was bathed in darkness enveloped in light that tried to pierce them. The vampire also noticed an open suitcase at the foot of the bed.

"I haven't changed my mind," Buffy said, catching his gaze.

"Me neither," the vampire simply replied, standing in front of the door he had just closed. Buffy shook her head fatalistically. She fully expected Spike to try to convince her to stay again.

"Did you go see the monk?" She asked after a few moments of silence during which she had put her t-shirts in the suitcase and the vampire nodded. "Is he mad at me?" She grimaced, remembering the way she had screamed in his temple the last time she had seen him.

"I don't think so," the vampire said.

Silence returned and Buffy felt nervousness take over her. The lack of words or shouts from the vampire made her uneasy and she didn't know what to expect from him.

Spike was actually thinking about how he was going to tell her what he had been thinking about all night. He was aware that he was playing double or nothing with the Chosen One, but he also sensed that her wound was deep enough to take such a risk.

"I wanted this to go another way, I swear," the Slayer whispered, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Let's make a deal," he said to her then. Puzzled, the young woman left her suitcase and approached him warily. "You go back to the monk so he can teach you how to control and understand what happens when you can't fight…"

"Spike," the Slayer interrupted him wearily.

"If you do it but still wanna stop afterwards, I'll help you retire," he continued seriously.

The young woman's eyes widened. "How could you do that?" She asked, frowning.

The vampire shrugged. "I'll do what it takes. We'll find you a place where no one knows you and I'll spread the word to demons that you're dead."

"It won't be easy to find me a place where demons don't know me," Buffy pointed out, smiling slightly, "I'm pretty famous in my field now…"

"Willow can do an amnesia spell."

"You think you can convince my friends to help me do something like that?" She wondered again.

"I know how to be persuasive," the vampire replied.

"But, what if…"

"Buffy, I'll find a way," he finished, fixing his gaze on her.

The young woman turned away to escape the vampire's view. When his eyes met hers in this way, an intimacy that was far too strong came over her. Her emotions blurred and her reason vanished. Yet what he was asking deserved true reflection. She let her gaze wander towards the window for a few seconds to try to figure out his strategy. Even if it escaped her right now, she was sure he had one.

In the end, she turned back to him. "Why would you help me do this? You're involved in this. You're connected to the First!" She reminded him.

"Because I know you're still the Slayer deep down," he told her calmly.

Buffy sighed. "You wanna save your skin, is that it?"

"No. I wanna save yours," he continued softly, "You can't be Buffy Summers if you're not the Slayer."

Buffy shivered despite the warmth of the room. Somewhere deep inside her, she wanted to become again that young woman who could make decisions and protect those she loved. But it would require a lot of sacrifices and she wasn't sure she could handle the consequences.

"I don't know if…"

"I'm only asking for a few more days as a Slayer. Then you can let it all go."

Buffy bit her lip. "What if… I go see the monk, try to get better but… I can't?" She asked, waiting for his answer.

"If you still wanna give up at that point, I'll be there," he answered from across the room.

The young woman moved closer to the vampire. "Is that a promise?" She murmured, looking into his eyes in turn.

"It's a promise," he assured, looking back at her.

Buffy was aware of recreating the intimacy she had fled from a few moments before, but she needed to use this link to probe the sincerity of his oath. So she searched his eyes for the slightest trace of dissimulation she was so afraid of, but she found none. She then remembered his loyalty during their last common fights and that finished convincing her.

"Okay."

The vampire and the Slayer observed each other for long seconds in silence. In the end, Spike looked away, embarrassed by this sudden proximity that unlocked memories carefully pushed into the back of his mind. "The woman at the front desk said we need to check out tonight," he said, changing the subject.

Buffy pulled herself together in turn at the sound of his voice. "Well, I guess I don't need to unpack then," she sighed resignedly while grabbing the last of her unpacked belongings. "I'm gonna take a shower and go see that monk…"

Spike frowned. "I'd rather come with you," he said, remembering the last time she'd gone out alone. By no means did he want to see the Slayer in this state again because then, nothing and no one was going to stop him. Yet Buffy shook her head. "It'll be okay, Spike. Remember, I'm still the Slayer for a few days," she replied with a slight smile. "I'll be there at nightfall," she added.

The vampire still felt worried but he just nodded before turning towards the bedroom door and closing it behind him.

Buffy ran a hand through her damp hair to brush a few strands away from her face before exiting the bathroom. As she adjusted her shirt, she let her gaze wander beyond the window she had opened after Spike had left.

The sun was still bright and a gentle breeze cooled the warm morning air, entering the room and chasing away the sad atmosphere the Slayer had bathed in all night. The weather seemed to want to encourage her to make a new start and she wondered furtively if this day would keep its promises as Spike would keep his.

But above all, the Slayer doubted her own ability to keep her commitment. A few days before, she had resolved to raise her head and confide, which she had done. Yet verbalizing her feelings had also made her aware of the magnitude of the task that awaited her. It had seemed insurmountable. She had then uttered the words that had been burning her tongue for too many days: she wanted to give up and go home.

Actually, she wanted to run away. She sighed as she put on her shoes. She wanted to walk away without looking back. To run without stopping. To curl up in the arms of her friends and sister and never tear loose from their protective embrace. She felt vulnerable on all sides, both physically and mentally, and the slightest ordeal seemed beyond her reach. She had the strange feeling that all the old scars that life had inflicted on her had reopened, paralyzing and forbidding her any future except suffering.

The young woman slowly closed the window. Going home had seemed like a brilliant idea the day before, but today, even if it was still tempting, it also seemed stupid. She wasn't such a coward that she would lock herself in her room and never come out again, pretending that the outside world was no longer her concern.

"Stop burying your head in the sand!" Her mother would have told her.

Buffy froze at the memory of the one she missed so much. At least she remembered her advice even if she was no longer here to give it to her, she thought sadly. It's up to me to apply it, the Slayer decided as she walked with determination towards the door of her room.

She had set herself a final challenge and despite her pessimism about her chances of success, at least she would have an ally when she returned home and she would have a clear conscience because she would have tried everything she could.

The young woman silently entered the temple and looked for the monk as she slowly moved between the many pilgrims who had come to leave offerings for the new year. After going around the building without finding him, she headed towards the Zen Garden.

The door closed behind her, the Slayer scanned the grass but did not spot him either. She thought for a moment about turning around before thinking back to her promise: she had to try everything to regain her former momentum for a few days. Then, she would be allowed to rest definitively.

Buffy noticed the small building where she had seen men doing Kung Fu and took the small dirt path that led to it. As she approached, she saw that monks were in the middle of sword fighting exercises in a remote corner of the Zen Garden and she watched their fluid and precise movements with envy. She had practiced it for a long time and they had brought her concentration and efficiency on many occasions. The monk had offered her to participate in the training previously, and the Slayer knew at that moment that this was her greatest chance to regain confidence in her body that had so often failed her lately.

So she resumed her walk towards the building and when she crossed the front door, a man in combat gear came to meet her. As she was about to ask him for information, he bowed towards her as a sign of respect.

"It'll be a great honor for me to show you our techniques," he said, bowing again while the Slayer was surprised. "Thank you, but I'm looking for… a monk," she explained, searching her memory for a distinctive sign that would help her interlocutor direct her. "He's bald and… rather young. He's the one who suggested I come here," she added, grimacing at her own description.

"Our master Jiang Ho Zi has come down to the village and will be back in several hours. He has given me the great privilege of training you…"

"The great privilege?" Buffy wondered, "But… how did he know I would come?" She exclaimed afterwards, "I didn't know it myself until this morning!"

"Our master is renowned for sensing important events related to the future," the man informed her, inviting the Slayer to follow him with a gesture.

Buffy stood there for a few seconds, speechless, then shook her head and followed the man in silence. She didn't want to know for now. She had had a favorable impression when she had seen the fighters and she simply wanted to keep her promise and return home.

The sun was high in the sky and the wind only partially reached the two disciples who were practicing in the garden, out of sight of the tourists. Not far from them, the other monks continued their training without seeming surprised by the presence of the young woman.

Buffy had put on a sleeveless black kimono under which the heat was still stifling. She had also put up her hair so as not to be bothered and to take advantage of the slightest breath of air on her neck.

The young woman exhaled for a long time to concentrate on the next movement. It felt like she had not practiced for years and her gestures were irregular. She observed her instructor who held postures with remarkable fluidity and she channeled her attention even more to give her muscles the exact impulse.

After nearly two hours of practice, the man gave her permission to rest and the Slayer rushed to the only bench in the garden under a tree. As she caught her breath, the monk brought her a bowl of broth and a small plate of rice and fish.

"You must nourish your body in order to be at your best," he said, placing two chopsticks on her plate. "We'll practice our breathing afterwards," he added before walking away.

Buffy glanced annoyedly at the chopsticks that would make it difficult for her to grab her food. She decided to focus on the other dish she had first, but the prospect of a boiling soup didn't tempt her. Instead, she wanted to jump into the fountain and drink a liter of that iced lemon tea she loved so much.

As she cursed these monks who certainly didn't drink iced tea, the Slayer dipped her lips into the hot liquid and was pleasantly surprised by the slightly spicy taste of her beverage. In the end, she finished her bowl quickly and set about using her chopsticks for her main course resignedly. With pride, she noted that she wasn't doing too badly and she easily found a technique to use her chopsticks as a sort of spoon rather than to pick up her food.

The man returned a few moments after the end of her meal to lead her to another shaded corner of the garden where they made slow movements and breathing exercises in order to focus the attention and concentration of the Slayer. She felt less at ease than during the combat postures, inner calm being much more difficult to achieve. Her movements were often too fast and not very fluid, which did not allow her breathing to relax.

The man noticed it and suggested swimming to relax her tense body and drain all her excess energy.

"You have a swimming pool?" The young woman got enthused, thinking with delight of the cool water in which she could immerse herself.

"It is a lake," the monk said, indicating the direction with his hand. "Follow this path behind the garden. You'll find it after a few minutes on your left."

"Aren't you coming?" She asked when she saw him heading towards the inside of the building.

"I still have many exercises to complete," he replied, "You'll find towels at the entrance to the weapons room."

Buffy hurried to grab a small towel that she found where the monk had told her and quickly reached the path. After about ten minutes of walking and climbing along the mountain, she noticed a slight fork on the left and pushed aside the bushes that were blocking the way.

She discovered a medium-sized lake clinging to the side of the mountain in the middle of lush grass. The blue sky was reflected in its waters and the sun sparkled on its surface, dazzling the young woman. The place was quiet and Buffy thought with joy that she would certainly not be disturbed by tourists in this remote place hidden by vegetation.

She hurried to take off her clothes and kept only her underwear and tank top, regretting her swimsuit. She imagined her sister's face when she would tell her that she had swum in an incredible setting and her good mood redoubled. She then dipped her foot in the water to test the temperature but grimaced. The water was fresh, not exceeding 64F, she judged with disappointment.

After splashing her face and neck, the Slayer quickly walked into the water until she was completely submerged and continued swimming for several minutes to warm up her body. She then allowed herself a few moments of relaxation to enjoy the calm and beauty of the place by floating on her back. She strongly wanted to prolong this moment of relaxation but she also remembered that the monk had sent her here to relax her muscles and thus dissipate her tension through swimming. So she resumed her movements diligently and sped across the lake in search of a saving relief.

After an hour and a half, the Slayer decided to return to the shore. She had been swimming without interruption and finally felt tired. She dried herself slowly while enjoying the warm rays of the sun then walked at a leisurely pace towards the path back.

When she reached the temple, her instructor and the master of the temple were talking in front of the training building. As if he had seen her, the latter walked towards her while the monk with whom she had spent the day entered the building.

"Hui Ji told me about your training today," he said, stopping in front of her.

"Ah…" The Slayer couldn't say more. She wondered if he had told him about her difficulty concentrating.

"You'll need several days here to get your reflexes back." Buffy bit her lip. It seemed like he had told him, and her pride was not happy about it. "If you wish, you can stay in the temple while you train. The first floor is reserved for disciples who have come to perfect their combat and meditation techniques."

"That's very kind," Buffy thanked him. "It'll only be for a few days."

"Hui Ji will show you a free room. We get up at dawn and train until sunset."

The young woman sighed inwardly. It was a military program that awaited her and she grumbled at the vampire to whom she had made such a promise. "I need to go back to the hotel to get my things tonight," she said then.

"Our new disciple goes down to Tai'an every evening to get our food. He'll take your things at the same time so you can continue your training right away."

"I was also supposed to see Spike," Buffy interrupted. "He's waiting for me."

"He'll inform your friend but unfortunately, we won't be able to welcome him here," the monk replied.

"Why?" The Slayer wondered.

"His condition doesn't allow him to stay among us," he explained. Buffy immediately grasped what the man was referring to and didn't flinch. After all, he was already kind enough to host her, a complete stranger.

"Can your disciple tell him that I'm here?" She asked then. The monk nodded and she thanked him again for his hospitality before heading into the building in search of her instructor.

Buffy had sat down by the fountain at nightfall. She had closed her eyes and was lulled by the sound of the water bouncing as it cascaded down. After leaving the monk, she and Hui Ji had resumed breathing exercises before finishing with an hour of meditation.

The day had been physically demanding and she felt her lack of sleep all the more at this moment. Yet she felt serene because her muscles had been tensed under the effort for long hours and it gave her now a sweet feeling of fatigue as they relaxed.

"A guy in a robe told me you were planning on staying here for a few days."

The Slayer jumped and opened her eyes to notice Spike's figure leaning over her. "A guy in a robe? You mean a monk?" She asked, looking questioningly at him.

The vampire nodded before burying his hands in his long coat to pretend to be at ease. "How was your day?" He asked, trying to look casual. He wasn't about to tell her that he had spent the day cursing himself for sending the Slayer, weakened and alone, into an unknown temple where she had a thousand opportunities to escape forever or worse, be attacked. He had been more than relieved to see the little monk appear in his traditional attire even if he would have preferred to see her.

"I'm okay," she answered simply.

Spike observed her for a few moments and noticed her drawn features. "You look exhausted. You should rest," he suggested, nodding towards the small building behind her.

"You're right," the young woman admitted, slowly getting up before stretching her sore muscles. "This is a real military camp here… Where are you gonna stay? The monks told me they couldn't host you given your 'situation'," she added with a grimace. "Looks like it goes against all their principles…"

"Not everyone is ready to be that open-minded," the vampire replied with a shrug, "There are plenty of old buildings around here. I'll find something."

"Maybe you could find a room in the hotels in the village down there," Buffy suggested but Spike shook his head. "I don't wanna be far."

The Slayer didn't reply and let her gaze contemplate the shadows of the night.

"You gonna be okay?" He asked her again, worried by her silence.

"I'll survive," she said, smiling as she looked back at him. At that moment, she really meant it. She felt exhausted but she knew she was supported and whatever her decision in a few days, she would be heard and accepted. "Will you be around tomorrow?" She asked as he was about to walk away.

"At sunset," he assured her.

The Slayer nodded and watched him jump the garden fence. She intended to tell him soon that she still wanted to abandon her mission, but knowing he was nearby gave her the courage to continue what she had promised him.