This Won't End Well
I get bored easily. Thats a simple fact and I often find myself coming up with stupid ideas to pass the time and maybe hit on something that I could write. So, when a friend came up with a Challenge that was right up my alley, I jumped at the chance and even dipped into some other areas for ideas for a silly, but fun, story. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one who was bored. Now I have the unenviable task of fixing a world gone to shit. Oh well, at least its not Worm.
...I regret nothing. This idea is actually an answer to DZ2's Harry Who? challenge, mixed with my brand of insanity and a dash of random superpowers to make something completely insane. Don't expect this to be much more than 'Harry' causing trouble and full to the brim with tropes. Just because. Rules below.
DZ2's 'Harry Who?' Challenge
Plot: When Harry dies as a result of one of his adventures, the Horcrux in him ensures he comes back, but when he does, something's...different about him. He's different in terms of emotion, mindset, goals and power; to paraphrase a certain redhead: who are you and what have you done with Harry Potter?
Rules: All affinities are welcome
When the story starts is up to you, but it MUST be during any one of Harry's adventures (Before Hogwarts also allowed)
How Harry died is up to you, but from the moment he 'wakes up' he's not Harry...not anymore
If the new Harry's a figure from a crossover fandom, there MUST be others from the same fandoms who encounter him throughout the story
Harry - the real Harry - CANNOT try and reclaim his body for one simple reason: he's dead
The 'new Harry' MUST possess knowledge, power and thoughts/opinions on others/other situations that Harry probably wouldn't think about
All pairings are welcome
Guidelines: Crossovers
The 'new Harry' is actually an OC
Super/OP-New-Harry
Dark-Lord-New-Harry
This isn't the first time the 'new Harry' has been reborn/reincarnated in another form
Certain magical beings know of the 'new Harry's' true identity and either oppose him or join him
Harry - the real Harry - is a descendant of the 'new Harry'
The new Harry sides with Tom
The new Harry makes/convinces Tom to join/serve him
Somehow, new Harry gets a resort
Whatever gifts new Harry has take the place of old-Harry's magic
Slash
Harems
New-Harry/Multi
A prophecy speaks of the new Harry
Someone from new Harry's original place/time is also 'reborn/awakened' and drawn to him
Forbidden: Harry being Harry
Crossover: New Harry as the only member of that fandom
New Harry being as meek, naive and easy-to-fool as Old Harry
Other than that, it's up to you...
Its probably not what DZ2 had in mind, but I really don't care. Enjoy!
Chapter 1
The day my life got weird started like any other. It was a day off, so I was just slobbing around in my underwear, flicking between playing games, reading and writing my own stuff. I was just considering whether I should go find some lunch or not when my email pinged, bringing with it an alert from a forum I was subscribed to about a new challenge someone had posted. Almost immediately, all thoughts of food vanished as my mind flooded with new ideas for how to apply my personal brand of complete insanity to this challenge. This was gonna be fun!
But first, I needed a cup of tea.
Beverage acquired, I cracked my knuckles and began to write.
Chapter 1
Harry didn't feel well. Actually, he had not felt well since incident in the Chamber. Despite assurances from both Dumbledore and Pomfrey he was 100% healthy, he'd been feeling weak and having constant headaches and tightness in his chest ever since he'd been bitten by the Basilisk. In fact, the pain seemed to be getting worse, the the point that today he'd barely been able to finish his chores the day before or read his birthday letters. Yeah, being sick on ones birthday is never fun, even if it was only two in the morning.
He sighed as he gazed out the window, absently rubbing his arm as he tried desperately to figure out exactly how to convince his Aunt and Uncle to sign the Hogsmeade form. It wasn't like they'd ever give him something he wanted after all…
Suddenly, Harry gasped as the pain in his arm shot up into his chest, which felt tight as if a belt was wrapped around it. He couldn't breath he couldn't…
I blinked, my fingers still moving, despite the fact they were no longer resting on a keyboard. The change had been so abrupt I didn't even notice that I'd gone from sitting in my chair to laying on the ground. I blinked again, before realizing my body was still positioned as if I was typing at my computer and quickly dropped my arms and legs. I sat up and looked around, taking in the sickly peach coloured walls, the ratty looking duvet on the bed and rickety looking furniture.
"Um, where am I?" I asked.
Then I spotted the white owl sitting in a cage on the desk with her head under her wing and the trunk at the bottom of the bed.
"Ah…"
I scrambled to my feet and jumped in front of the mirror. Instead of a slightly short, skinny man with a scruffy beard, dark brown hair and grimy glasses, a slightly short, skinny barely-teenager with unnaturally green eyes and messy, black hair was staring back at me through grimy glasses. The lightning bolt shaped cut on my forehead had opened and was leaking a thick, blackish ichor that had the consistency of oil.
"...what."
I started poking myself as I tried to figure out what in the fuck had just happened, before I suddenly remembered exactly what I had been working on and went white.
"Oh...shit," I muttered, "How...how the fuck did that happen?"
The story I'd been working on had been based on a challenge where Harry died and was replaced by someone else. My idea was to basically make it an SI and shove it with enough cliches to choke Ron Weasley. Everything you can think of, from Harry being absurdly powerful, magically, politically and monitaraly, the Potions Trio being hard at work, a Dumbledore whos both manipulative and well on his way to senality, a harem for Harry and, just for fun, giving Harry Metamorph powers.
Naturally, at that thought my hair decided to turn bright pink. I sighed. Well, this was quite the...interesting situation I was in. Interesting in the curse sense of the word. After all, while the story I had in mind would be INCREDIBLY egocentric (I was giving my SI a harem after all) and over the top, I never actually wanted to BE in that situation. After all, even in a world like this one, it wasn't exactly safe.
I sighed as I took a few steps back and dropped into the rickety chair at the desk. For a moment, I sat there, watching as my hair cycled through colours in the mirror, before I shook my head, turned my hair back to black and got to my feet. There was no way I was hanging around this hell hole any longer than I had to. This story started in third year and I wasn't sure I could put up with Marge for long without trying to blast her. WIth that in mind, I started grabbing all of Harry's (or mine now I suppose) stuff and stuffing it into the Trunk at the bottom of the bed. Guess this was the Movie verse or a combination of the two? Whatever, one way or another, I'd be heading to the Leaky Cauldron before Marge arrived.
I glanced at Hedwig, who was now awake and watching me and, after a moment's thought, unlocked the cage and opened the window.
"Head to the Cauldron Hedwig," I said, "I'll be along soon."
The owl gave me a searching look that made me think she somehow knew I wasn't Harry, before letting out a hoot and flying out of the window. I quickly tucked the now empty cage away in my Trunk and turned to the bedside table where Harrys wand was resting. This was something I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to do since I had no idea how the Holly and Phoenix Feather Wand would react to me. Would it accept me or would I have to get a new Wand? Either way, there was only one way to find out.
I took a deep breath and picked up the stick...and was immediately hit by an immense headache as all of Harry's magical knowledge was abruptly dumped into my head at the same time. Well, that was handy. I wouldn't have to learn everything from scratch. Could have done without the painful transfer though. I also got some scattered memories from Harry, not everything, but enough that I could probably pass for him...if I could be bothered to do so. Unfortunately, they also included memories from his childhood and Vernons…'discipline' lessons. I twitched as my back throbbed. Yeah, I needed to go see if someone could help with that.
But first, I had to get going! I tucked my wand away in my trunk and headed downstairs for breakfast.
I sat quietly, nodding patently along to Vernons diatribe until he headed out to pick up Marge. The moment he did, I went to find Petunia. The woman was watching some sort of soap in the sitting room and glanced up as I entered, her lips curling slightly.
"What do you want boy?" she sneered.
"I have a proposition for you," I said, "I don't really want to be here while Aunt Marge is and I can't guarantee I won't do something...drastic to her if she pushes me. I highly doubt you want her turned into a balloon or something, so instead you sign this form and I'll bugger off to London for the rest of the summer."
Petunia's face went through a viraty of expressions, before she thrust out her hand.
"Done, give me the form."
I handed it to her, along with a fountain pen, which she used to sign it with a flourish and handed it to me with a five pound note.
"For the bus," she said, "Now get out of my sight and don't come back until next year!"
"If I have my way, I won't be back at all," I muttered as I ran upstairs and grabbed my stuff.
Ten minutes later, I was a block away and ready to call the Knight Bus, having found a pouch of Gallons in my trunk. However, before I could, a prickling in the back of my neck made me turn to see a rather mangy looking black wolfhound lurking between the garages behind me. I tensed slightly, just in case it was a stray, but one glance at its unnaturally intelligent eyes made me relax. I smiled slightly and pulled a package of biscuits I'd nabbed from the kitchen out of my pocket.
"Here boy," I said, holding one out.
Sirius' ears pricked up and he trotted over, accepting the treat.
"Hey boy, wanna come with me?" I asked with a grin, "I could use a new friend."
Padfoot barked and pranced happily around me.
"You need a name though," I said, "How about...Padfoot?"
Padfoots tail paused, before starting up again, going even faster than before. I grinned and got to my feet.
"Now then, lets see…" I muttered and focused.
A moment later, Padfoot went wide eyed as my hair turned crimson and grew out to my shoulders while my eyes turned greenish blue. It might be eye catching to nab the Gremory style, but it was awesome and no one would connect me to Harry Potter.
"Heh, I love this power," I said with a grin.
Then I stuck my arm out and summoned the Knight Bus. The purple Triple Decker appeared with a loud crack and a startled yowl from a cat that had been sleeping nearby and skidded to a stop in front of me.
"Welcome to the Knight Bus," said a pimply youth as he hopped off the back step, "Emergency transport for a stranded Witch or Wizard. Just stick your wand arm out, step on board and we'll take you wherever you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike and I'll be your conductor for this afternoon."
He put away his script and looked down at me.
"Choo the one who called?" he asked.
"Well, if I wasn't you'd better be good at Obliviaitons," I said, "One and a dog to the Leaky Cauldron please."
"Smarty pants," muttered Stan, "That'll be 15 sickles. Eleven for you, four for yer dog."
I quickly payed the man and helped him get my Trunk on board, taking a seat near the front. As soon as I was settled, Stan banged on the glass behind the driver.
"Take 'er away Ern!"
BANG!
By the time we reached London, I was about ready to kill the moron behind the wheel. I never finished learning to drive before I came here and I certainly couldn't drive a bus, but I was still a better driver than Ern! I glared at the snickering dog at my heels as I headed inside the pub and quickly got a room from Tom, who seemed to take the fact I was sporting a completely different look in stride.
"I understand Mr Potter," he had said when asked, "I wouldn't want to be looked at like some kind of museum piece either. No one will hear your here from me."
"Thanks Tom," I said as I headed upstairs after the friendly barman put a Featherlight charm on my Trunk.
Once I was settled, I dashed of a note to Mcgonagall requesting to change my electives to Runes, Arithmancy and CoMC, before heading out into the Alley to head to Gringotts. I had some business I needed to discuss with the Goblins. I had no idea if they'd actually have what I needed of course, but it seemed like a good place to start. There was a reason why most Fics had the Goblins be in charge of Wills after all. Plus, if this was my planned Fanfic world, then I'd get exactly what I needed and, hopefully, Sirius' charges dropped and Crouch smacked down a peg or two.
I have to admit, walking through Diagon was one hell of a trip for me. I did my best to keep from acting too much like a newcomer since, even with my hair still crimson, I was clearly too old to be a first year, but I couldn't help a little bit of neck craning and my wide grin was practically welded in place. I couldn't wait to explore some of the shops!
However, the first thing I needed to do was visit the bank. I quickly made my way down the Alley to the towering, snow white structure and paused by the doors. Somehow, I doubted the Goblins would appreciate me shapeshifting in the lobby, so…
"Um, excuse me?" I said to one of the guards.
The armoured Goblin glared at me.
"What do you want Wizard?" he sneered.
I shifted uncomfortably.
"Um, I was just wondering what the Banks policy was one Metamorphs?" I asked, "I'm not wearing my...true? Original? Not sure what the actual term is, but this isn't my natural form. I don't want to offend anyone or risk something pointy getting stuck somewhere soft if I start shifting in the lobby."
The Goblin eyed me for a moment, before shrugging.
"As long as its not an enchantment or potion, you'll be fine," he grunted, "Our magic detects those trying to trick us, so as long as you're not pretending to be who you're not, you have nothing to worry about."
I nodded.
"Alright, thank you," I said and headed into the bank.
I joined the shortest queue available behind a family who I think were Chinese with a daughter who looked about my age, albeit a full head shorter, with her hair in a short bob and her nose in a book. She glanced up when I stopped behind them, glanced at my hair and then went back to her book. I tilted my head slightly. Violet eyes were a tad rare, even in the Wizarding world. I wonder if she had some kind of Creature inheritance? I quickly shrugged it off though. It was none of my business after all. They were rather pretty though.
It didn't take long for the people in front of me to finish so I could approach the desk. I waited for the Goblin to finish what he was writing in the massive ledger in front of him and look up before speaking.
"Good morning," I said, "I was hoping that I could ask a few questions regarding my family today if at all possible."
"Name?" grunted the Goblin.
"Harry Potter," I said.
The Goblins eyes snapped up, fixing on my hair and eyes.
"It seems that I may have had a dormant Metamorph power," I said, "It activated this morning and I didn't fancy anyone knowing I was here, so…"
"I understand," said the Goblin, "However, you will have to undergo a test to confirm your identity. Sign your name on this."
He handed me a piece of parchment and a black quill with a sharp nib. I did as I was told, noting that my handwriting had improved a heck of a lot. I guess I'd inherited Harry's penmanship? Thats cool. I winced slightly as the Blood Quill did its thing. The goblin took the parchment and fed it into a slot on his desk. There was a sound that was suspiciously similar to dileup, before the crystal sitting just above the slot turned green.
"Excellent, right this way Sir," said the Goblin as he hopped of his stool.
I waited a moment for the short creature to emerge from behind the desk and followed him out of the lobby and into the halls. After a few minutes of twisting, identical passages lined by doors, we stopped in front of one with a brass plaque that read POTTER attached. The goblin knocked and opened the door.
"Wait here a moment please," he said and vanished inside.
A few moments later, he returned and waved me inside. The office on the other side was a rather odd mix of Wizarding and Muggle, with stone walls, heavy wood furniture and shelves full of scrolls and leather bound tomes next to metal filing cabinets, a printer and a genuine computer sitting on the desk. Behind said desk sat...something I had not expected.
Instead of an ugly, wrinkled Goblin like I was expecting, the creature was unearthly beautiful. It was the same height as any of the other Goblins I'd seen, with smooth, pale skin with a very faint green tint, soft, light blue hair that was pulled into a tight braid decorated with feathers, long, thin ears. It had large, almond shaped eyes that were almost with startling green irises and slightly green tinted whites. Its body was slender, with noticeable curves. Combined with the smart and professional looking suit she (because it had to be female) was wearing, it created a very odd image.
The being cleared her throat and I jumped and blushed as I realized I'd been caught staring.
"Um, sorry," I said.
"Don't worry, its fairly common for Humans to be taken aback upon seeing a female Goblin for the first time," said the apparent Goblin.
Good god, thats one heck of a case of sexual dimorphism!
"That...doesn't surprise me," I said, right before I realized how that might sound, "Um…"
However, the Goblin just laughed and waved me off before I could apologize.
"Oh don't worry, your Mother did the exact same thing when she met me," she said, "Anyway, my name is Leanan Sidhe, the Account Manager of the Potter family."
I blinked and held up a finger.
"Um…"
"No, I'm not that Leanan Sidhe," she said without looking at me
I put my finger back down.
"Shes my Grandmother."
Never mind. Leanan glanced up and caught my expression.
"Many stories of Humans getting caught up in deals with devils or Faeries are actually down to us," she said, "We Goblins are far more than a race of violent warriors or money obsessed bankers. While we put on that facard for the Wizarding World, the truth is that we are far more under the surface."
I frowned.
"If your putting on a show, why tell me?" I asked.
"Mostly because the Potters have been friends of the Fae Folk since before Merlins time," said Leanan, "But also because I had a lot of respect for your Parents and Grandparents."
She sighed.
"Their deaths were truly a great loss," she said, "Lily especially. She was truly brillent. Hell of a screamer as well."
The last part was whispered and I don't think I was supposed to hear it. I debated asking whether she meant was I thought she meant, before deciding that no, I did NOT need to know anything about Lily Potters sex life. Even if it was with the oddly attractive Goblin.
"Anyway, lets get back to business," said Leanan, "I'll be happy to discuss your Parents another time, but for now we have work to do."
She shuffled her papers and fixed me with a sharp gaze.
"First of all, I have to ask if you have ever received any correspondence from Gringotts," she said.
"No, the first message from the Wizarding World I received was my Hogwarts letter and since then, only letters from friends or Hogwarts," I said.
Leanan sighed.
"Thought so," she said, "We've sent monthly statements since your 11th birthday, along with requests to come into the bank. Our systems indicated that they had been received and opened, but the location they were opened at didn't match where you logically should be. The higher ups suspected that your mail was being intercepted and it seems that they were correct. Not only that, but an audit of your Family Vaults revealed that someone had been skimming off the top using the excuse of being your Magical Guardian. Since your Magical Guardian was in Azkaban, we put a stop to it and are making attempts to reclaim the missing money."
I blinked. Well, that was certainly better than I expected.
"Um, thank you," I said.
"Its my job to protect the Potter assets and ensure that they grow as much as possible," said Leanan, "We also discovered a Marriage Contract someone had snuck into the Potter file, but it wasn't worth the parchment it was written on, so I had it burnt."
"Who was it for?" I asked.
"One Ginevra Weasley," said Leanan.
I growled under my breath. Looks like I was right. This world would have cliches up the arse.
"Moving on, I'm pleased to report that the Potter Family investments are bringing in the projected figures…"
The next hour was spent discussing the current state of the Potter finances. As you might imagine, they were extensive and astronomical, with my liquid assets being enough that my great grandchildren would never have to work a day in their lives.
"Alright then Harry, the next thing we need to discuss is your Parents will," said Leanan as she closed the folder in front of her, "It has yet to be read due to being Sealed by order of the Chief Warlock, but as the last living member of the Potter family, you can order it read whenever you want. I'm not sure if Dumbledore forgot about that or just hoped you'd never find out. Considering that getting any information on the law in the Wizarding world is annoyingly hard unless your a Pureblood, its most likely the latter."
"In that case, as the Heir to the Potter Family, I'd like my Parents Will be read as soon as possible," I said.
Leanan nodded and made a note.
"It'll take a few days to get messages out to everyone who needs to be there, but I'll send a message when its time," she said, "Now that we know about the Mail Redirection Ward, its relatively simple to circumvent. If you like, we can examine you for anything similar before you leave for a small fee?"
"That may be best," I said, "I admit, certain things that have happened lately have made me feel a little...uneasy."
"Very well," said Leanan, "Finally, I'd like to perform an Inheritance Ritual to find out if you have any inheritances waiting in the wings we don't know about. I'm not expecting much, but Lily didn't have chance to perform one before she died, so there might be something from her."
I nodded and took the Blood Quill and golden parchment she handed me. A quick signature later and we watched as the golden covering began to dissolve, leaving words that quickly turned blood red.
Name: Harry James Potter
Father: James Charlus Potter
Mother: Lillian Marie Potter nee Evens
Godparents (SWORN)
Sirius Orion Black
Alice Kathryn Longbottom nee Rowle
House Inheritance: Potter (Heir apparent)
Gryffindor (Heir apparent)
Peverell(Heir apparent)
Ravenclaw(Heir apparent)
Slytherin (right of Conquest, Heir apparent)
Black (Heir Presumptive)
Powers and Skills: Metamorphmagi
Parseltongue
Complete poison immunity
Phoenix Tears and Basilisk Venom in blood
Leanan's eyebrows shot up so fast they nearly shot into orbit and she looked from the parchment to be incredulously.
"How are you still alive?" she asked, "That mix of substances in an immature body should have overloaded your magic!"
"Hell if I know," I said, "I was feeling rather sick until yesterday though."
Leanan eyed me for a moment, before she shrugged.
"None of my business anyway," she said, "I'll find what information I can on the Slytherin and Ravenclaw estates, but if the Gryffindor estate is anything to go by, there likely won't be much in terms of liquid assets. There should be a fair few artifacts though."
She shuffled her papers and tucked them away in a draw, before hopping off her chair and heading for the door.
"Well, come along," she said, "We still need to get you checked out.
Five minutes later, I was in an infirmary on a comfortable bed as another female Goblin, this one with hair as red as mine currently was and red eyes by the name of Liara, cursed violently in a mix of Gobbledygook, English and a few other languages, including Latin, German and Greek. I could only understand about one word in five, but she was currently on the fifth generation of ancestors of the people who had attached a wide, wide range of spells, potions and wards to me, ranging from about three different Loyalty potions and Wards intended to drain my magic to the remnants of the Horcrux and a partly deconstructed block that had prevented my Metamorphic powers from coming through and me from accessing nearly three quarters of my magic. Fortunately, most of the potions had been neutralized by the cocktail in my blood from the Chamber and said cocktail made me basically immune to any form of malicious potion, so that was a relief. I still intended to learn some detection spells however.
"She'll be like that for a while," said Leanan as her colleague turned the air blue behind her, "Shes...not happy."
And I mean that literally by the way. Something she was saying was either a magical language or she was so angry she was literally leaking magic.
"Yeah, I get that impression," I said, a little distracted as I kept scribbling down some of the profanity I could understand.
Eventually, the Goblin Healer finished up her tirade with a very succinct "...and the horse he rode in on!" and turned back, breathing heavily and a little flushed from the excursion.
"My apologies for that," said the Healer, "I simply despise those who hurt children and with the amount of Potions and blocks on you, you should be either braindead or a Squib. And thats not even mentioning those scars."
I twitched at the mention of the matt of scars across my back.
"Fortunately, the potions will flush themselves with time and aren't doing any harm and the Wards can be dispelled with a variant of Thief's Downfall. The blocks and scars however will take a little be more work on our part."
She handed me a jar of foul smelling, light green paste.
"That will help the scars heal," she said, "Just rub it into them every night before bed. You might need someone to help with the ones on your back. The jar is self refilling, so don't be stingy. Oh, and don't worry about paying for it. Its included in your examination."
"Thanks," I said, tucking the jar away in my pocket, "So, what now?"
The two females glanced at each other, before smiling at me. They were sweet as honey, as toxic as a snake bite and carried with them the deadly promise that came with making deals with the Fair Folk. I think I might regret asking that…
And done. Whoo boy, that took way longer than I thought it would. Still, it came out pretty much how I wanted, so thats fine.
Now, while this will have a lot of cliches, some things will be a tad different. For starters, Ginny's not in on the whole thing to get Harry to marry her. Oh no, I have other plans for her! Giving the Goblins a role of being more than just a warrior race limited to being bankers was another.
Speaking of, I was somewhat inspired by the Fairies from Artemis Fowl for the female Goblin design. Not sure why considering I've never actually read the books and have only skimmed the graphic novel version of the first book.
No, I'm not sure why I had Lily and Leanan have a, um, close relationship. On a completely unrelated note, both Lily and James in this world were pretty sexually free, so expect things like that to keep popping up.
You know, I don't think I've ever really seen anyone really explore what a Metamorph can do. Normally, its used as a plot point to get him with Nym or something then discarded and never really mentioned again. With that in mind, I intend to make it Harry's main trick since there was never any real clear limitations placed on the power, other than the fact it couldn't be learnt.
Anyway, with that done, I'm going to sign off. Don't forget to leave a review!