Chapter 58: AF ████
I do not own Fate/Stay Night and stuffs.
o. o. o.
Shirou didn't know how on earth things had gotten to this point, but knowing now wouldn't change the situation, nor how much shit he was in at the moment.
All that mattered was that he and Saber were standing a short distance away from Altrouge Brustud herself, accompanied by Primate Fucking Murder.
Just by being near the damn thing he could already more or less tell that his life was literally in the Apostle Princess' hands. It didn't matter if the Gothic Lolita didn't look any older than what Merem did, the giant hound she stood next to took center stage just by existing.
Before his nerves could fry themselves any further than they already had, a comforting hand rested on his shoulder.
"Shirou. Don't worry." Saber looked at him with a confident smile. "I've got this."
He turned his attention between the beast and his Servant several times, as if assessing the situation. He didn't like it. "You do?"
She nodded firmly, filled with conviction, and stepped forward to draw in everyone's attention. "Primate Murder, no, Cath Palug. Before we proceed with today's negotiations, there is something we need to discuss."
The Servant cleared her throat and moved her hands as if making a grand speech.
"Kill Merlin."
The beast's ears perked up.
She looked up to the sky. "Kill Merlin."
Its tail twitched.
She made a fist, her face scrunched with pain. "Kill Merlin."
The monster looked at her with comradery and understanding.
Saber's arms splayed out wide. "Kill Merlin!"
Its tail was now wagging relentlessly.
She walked up to her target audience and rested a hand on its white hide. "Kill Merlin."
Cath Palug's head was shaking up and down frantically in agreement.
"… What's happening?" Altrouge turned to Shirou, clearly as bewildered as he was.
"I, think they just really hate Merlin." The teen said the only thing that made sense to him.
Saber was now on top of Primate Murder with her sword drawn and the monster reared on its hind legs, perfectly mimicking those statues in civil war memorials with soldiers on stallions. "KILL! MERLIN!"
"Ả̵̧̢̛̖̫̗̠͓̠͍̠̻͇̼͚͇̈͂̓͗͊͘͠W̵̢͖͈͇̘̲̮̬̙̿͠ͅŐ̴̘̲̠͇͛͛́̅̀͒̋̈́̂̍̽͜O̷̦̳͖̻̩͕̬̼̖̹̅̂͋̈́̓̈́̅̿͛̐̒͊͘͝O̸͔͐̃̊͌̃̈́O̷̡̥̥̠̤͍̊̓̌͐̒͐̊̓́Ơ̶̢̧̰̠̬̝̮̼̮̼̓̆̀̔̐̐̀̈́́́̌͋͠͝O̸̧̧͖̘͙͇͑̅̒̿͂̔́͛̽̈́̽͂̎́̀͜Ȏ̴̢̼̻̞̼̣̱̪͇͓̳͈͍̌͗̍̆̄͜!̵̮͂́̋̃̇͛͂̈́͘!̵̡̜̻͉̙̰͇͖̳̂̈́!̷̛̘̥̠̗̩͉̱͕̬̽͐̃̓̌͐̍̇̓̈̽͆̐͑ͅ!̶̡̡̡͕̱͚̳̗̲̭̺̼̩̾̏͜" The Fourth Beast howled in agreement before the two charged off in some random direction.
"Did… did your Servant just steal my dog?" The Princess of the Apostles tilted her head in genuine confusion.
"I'm honestly not sure." Shirou mimicked her state of mind perfectly. "… Should we postpone this, or…"
"Depends. What are your thoughts on dog sitting?"
"NO."
"It'll only be a few days a year."
"NO."
"Come on! I need some time for myself too you know!"
"NO!"
"Take him! Take my murder puppy! Do you know what it's like to constantly have to walk something twenty times your size?! He doesn't let anyone get close to him! I have to clean up after him every day!"
"NEVER!"
Saber and Primate Murder didn't come back for three days. Unfortunately, without the former around Shirou couldn't properly negotiate a deal with Altrouge. He had been too busy trying to get her off his legs and make her stop begging to take her pet.
He was too terrified to ask where they went, lest they go on another crusade.
On a side note, Shirou made it a personal rule to never allow Saber to have Avalon whenever Primate Murder was around, lest she have the idea to actually use it to transport herself and the monster to their target.
o. o. o.
Happy April Fools! Cause fuck knows we need something to laugh about these days.
Admit it though. You can totally see this happening in some twisted version of canon.
This was originally the omake for the next chapter, but said chapter isn't done yet, so I decided to give you guys a laugh just to wet your appetite for the time being.
Next chapter's still in progress. Another few weeks at most. Please be patient. And remember…
Kill Merlin!
I mean stay safe and healthy!
I mean Worship the Log! Yeah! That one!