Hi Everyone,
I hope you're all well.
Thank you for your continuing to read the story, and for your patience with the uploads. I can't believe it's almost at 30,000 views! Thank you so much.
I just wanted to apologise for the previous chapter. I know we've had enough (too much!) experience of angst and arguments between Liv and Rafa in the show, but I felt it was necessary to include a chapter like that. I am trying to keep this as realistic as possible, and to do that I have to remain true to their characters (please do let me know if something seems off!). Liv is a selfless person who puts herself second all the time, and I believe whilst she would be protective of her baby her instincts to help others would lead to her doing things like this. I found myself remembering the time she told Rafa she told a suspect to point a loaded gun at her when Noah was young, and she questioned what she was thinking. This was a similar incident to that.
Rafa is also very protective of Liv, and is the voice of reason for her, and I think she knows that, which is why she always confided in him and valued his advice. I think he would be incredibly protective of Liv and their baby, but not oppressively so. And I believe that they would have a heated discussion after an incident like this.
Again, if anything seems out of character please do let me know, it's easy to get tunnel vision when writing!
I hope you enjoy this next instalment, and have a wonderful weekend! :)
With love,
HQ21
As soon as Liv slammed the door behind her she stopped in the hallway, choking on a suppressed sob and furiously wiping her eyes.
"Liv?" came the familiar voice of Amanda, who was sitting on a row of seats against a nearby wall. She looked up at her friend with worried eyes and hurried towards her. "You okay?" she asked, as Liv turned towards her and forced a small smile. "What is it?" Amanda asked with concern.
"Miss Benson?" said Dr Samuels, confusion present in his tone. Liv cleared her throat and turned towards him with glassy eyes. "I have the discharge paperwork for you" he advised, lowering his voice and watching her with concern. "Is everything alright?" he asked, as he handed it to her with a pen.
"I'm fine" Liv said mechanically, as she turned to the relevant section of the familiar paperwork, wincing as she signed her name. She could use her right hand but her arm was very painful.
"A dislocated shoulder is a very painful injury" Dr Samuels said gently. "I really would like to prescribe you something stronger than Tylenol" he added cautiously. "Pain and stress aren't good for you or your baby, and-"
"I'm fine, thank you, Dr Samuels" Liv said politely, handing him the paperwork and his pen back, and turning on the spot before he could respond. The last thing she wanted was another lecture on how terrible she was at being pregnant. Amanda quickly thanked the doctor and hurried after Liv, who was upset and clearly distracted.
"Liv, what's going on?" Amanda asked as she reached her. "Where's Barba?" she asked, watching as Liv's expression faltered as she said his name.
"He can get an Uber" Liv said sadly. "I just wanna get out of here" she added, her voice wavering slightly, her eyes becoming tearful. Amanda nodded in understanding. She had heard raised voices, and she could imagine what the argument had been about.
"Oh... okay, that's alright, we're goin'" Amanda soothed, placing her hand gently on Liv's back as they headed towards the exit. "I can drive you home-"
"I don't want to go home, I have to get to work" Liv said simply, wiping her eyes as they stepped out of the building. Despite wanting to take Liv home, Amanda could tell Liv was incredibly upset, and it would not be beneficial to argue with her.
Liv exhaled deeply, relief flooding her at the fact Rafael Barba had not followed her out of the consultation room. Because she knew she had been on the verge of tears when she left, and she didn't want to fall apart in front of him. Which he probably knew, and was the reason he did not come after her. Liv swallowed thickly and furiously blinked back tears which began to form in her eyes.
"I'm parked just over here" Amanda explained, as she lead Liv towards her car, unlocked it and opened the passenger door. It was clear Liv was very upset and agitated, and as desperately trying to hold it together.
"Thank you" Liv said quietly, as she gently eased herself into the passenger seat. Amanda closed the door behind her and walked around to the driver's side.
Liv reached for her seatbelt with her right hand instinctively, wincing as she turned her body. She then grabbed it with her left hand, and tried to pull it across herself and pass it to her right hand, but again her right shoulder ached with a burning pain. Amanda had just eased herself into the driver's seat when Liv's pain and frustration overwhelmed her, and she let go of the seatbelt with annoyance, placed her left hand over her eyes and burst into tears. Amanda's expression softened and she closed her door behind her, before reaching across Liv and taking her left hand in hers. She squeezed Liv's hand and watched her with concern as she cried, remaining silently supportive beside her for just over a minute, until Liv calmed herself and dried her eyes.
"Sorry" Liv said wearily, offering Amanda a weak smile, as she reached for her seatbelt once more.
"It's okay, I got you" Amanda soothed, as she reached past Liv and secured her seatbelt for her. Liv leaned back and sighed gently, blinking wearily and staring out the windscreen, as she cradled her belly subconsciously with her left hand.
"Thank you" Liv said quietly. Amanda nodded and looked down at Liv's belly.
"You okay?" Amanda asked softly. Liv nodded and stroked her belly soothingly.
"I'm fine" Liv assured her, her voice quiet and weary and imbued with sadness. "The baby started really kicking as soon as Rafa and I started arguing" she admitted, her jaw clenching as she remembered Rafa's eyes and voice, the disappointment and anguish, his frustration at her. She swallowed hard and looked up towards the ceiling. As she leaned back in her seat she registered that she was wearing his coat, and she was flooded by the scent of him, which provided her with an odd combination of comfort and deep-seated unease. She closed her eyes and leaned back.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Amanda asked gently, the question prompting Liv to open her eyes slowly. Liv's immediate instinct was to decline, but she found herself feeling incredibly unsettled and confused by what had just happened, and was trying to process it. She was close to Amanda and trusted her judgement, and did want to talk to her about what had just happened between herself and Rafael Barba. "We don't have to-"
"Actually, I would" Liv said gently, before turning towards her friend. "But could we please get out of here?" she asked tearfully. Amanda nodded in response and secured her own seatbelt.
"Yeah, sure" Amanda responded promptly, before starting the engine and pulling out of the car park. Liv felt relief flood her as they finally began to drive away.
"Thank you" Liv replied sincerely, leaning back in the seat and staring ahead with sad eyes, as she continued to stroke her belly in a futile attempt to soothe her baby, who continued to kick furiously inside her.
As soon as Liv disappeared from his view and slammed the door closed beside her, Rafael Barba felt an unparalleled sensation of fear, guilt and incredible unease. He took several steps forward and reached for the door, but something stopped him just as he reached for the handle. He remembered the tears which shone in Liv's angry eyes, the tightness of her jaw, and the unnatural coldness of her voice as she had said 'screw you, Barba' before storming out of the room. Her use of his surname had hurt him more than the two words which preceded it. She was angry, upset and in considerable pain, and it had been clear she was about to cry, and had not wished to do so in front of him. She walked away because she wanted to be alone, and despite his instincts being to follow her and to try to talk to her, his reason overcame his emotions, and he resolved to respect her wishes.
As snippets of their argument played on a torturous loop in his mind, Rafael Barba found himself feeling uncharacteristically confused. He remembered the hurt look on her face, her furious eyes, the anger in her voice. Her inability to understand the reason for his concern, and that it was not just for their baby but for her, worried and confused him in equal measure. He had tried to be calm and reasonable, but he had also become frustrated and rose his voice during their argument. He remembered his sarcastic remarks comparing her actions to diving with sharks or shooting heroin, before the masterstroke which was telling her she had put their baby in danger. The memory of Liv's shocked and hurt expression returned to him without mercy, and he closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he cursed himself for his cruelty. He shouldn't have said that to her, he should not have spoken to her the way he did. He had tried to be calm and reasonable, and have a conversation rather than an argument, especially when Liv had become defensive. Instead, he had become frustrated with her inability to realise and acknowledge that her pregnancy did make her vulnerable, and that her actions that morning had endangered herself and their child. He remembered her repeatedly assuring him the baby was fine, as though that was all he cared about.
"I'm not just an incubator for your baby!" she had snapped, her anguished words returning to his mind at full force. He sighed deeply and rested his head in his hand, his shock and frustration at Liv's statement quickly dissolving into hurt. Was that really how she thought he viewed her? Did she really believe his feelings for her were solely because she was carrying their child?
Rafael Barba let out a deep sigh, as guilt and unease pooled in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to go after her, talk to her, explain that he loved her and their baby and been concerned for both of them. He wanted to make it right. But the memory of Liv's hurt expression and angry eyes, and the coldness in her tone quickly reminded him why he could not. She was angry and upset, they both were, they needed time to calm down before they talked about it.
And yet the lack of resolution hung thickly in the air, almost choking him.
After several minutes the door opened, and Dr Samuels entered the room, seeming surprised to see him there. Rafael Barba muttered some words of polite apology and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Part of him had hoped that Liv would be there, waiting to talk, wanting to. But she was not. He felt his concern for Liv increase, and his own unease rise; since learning of her pregnancy he had felt increasingly protective of Liv, and of their unborn child. She had been through something traumatic and painful and instead of supporting her he had picked a fight with her in her hospital room and driven her away. His only solace was that she was with Amanda Rollins, who was close to Liv and protective of her; plus, she had been pregnant twice before, she'd take care of her. It was this thought which he clung to desperately, as he walked mechanically down the corridor and towards the exit, feeling overwhelmed and confused, and uncharacteristically uncertain of what to do.
Liv spent the first few minutes of the car journey with Amanda outlining the argument she and Rafael Barba had had just before, repeating the majority of the sections verbatim. Amanda listened patiently and in silence, nodding or humming in acknowledgement as she drove through the city and (despite her judgement) back to the precinct.
As Liv recounted the events, she began to feel incredibly uneasy, a nagging sensation of guilt and doubt tugging at her. She had felt Rafael Barba was yelling at her, but as she told Amanda of the argument she realised he had not; he had certainly raised his voice and it was clear he was angry, but he never actually yelled at her. She, on the other hand, had yelled at him. She remembered the hurt look in his eyes, the shock of his expression, and then the calmness of his response to her defensive tirade. In fact, it had been his calm attempts at logic and reason which had incensed her even more. As Liv outlined the argument, she became increasingly aware of the role she played in it, and found her feeling of unease quickly develop into guilt and panic.
"I understand that I need to be careful" Liv reasoned. "But this was an exceptional situation, and there were extenuating circumstances" she insisted.
"I know" Amanda assured her, her voice calm and even. "It happened right in front of you, and if you hadn't acted as quickly as you had, those kids could've died" she added. "We've all seen how people record an emergency instead of help with it" she stated. Liv scoffed and nodded. "But you know what else I've seen?" she asked, prompting her friend to turn towards her. "The look of absolute terror on Barba's face when he heard you were in hospital" she said quietly. Liv held her gaze for a moment and nodded. "He was so worried about you, Liv" she added. "He didn't say a word in the car on the way to the hospital" she continued. "I've never seen him so worried."
Liv lowered her eyes guiltily from Amanda's and nodded in acknowledgement.
"I understand" Liv said solemnly, as she remembered the look on his face as he entered her hospital room. "When he saw my arm and the blood, he looked distraught" she added. "He held me as they relocated my shoulder, and then distracted me whilst I got stitches" she recalled, remembering the feeling of his hand clasping hers, squeezing it when she winced, his kind eyes holding hers. "But as soon as I had been treated, he was furious" she added. "He kept saying how vulnerable I am, how I can't put myself into situations like that" she stated. "He said I put our baby in danger" she added, tears burning in her eyes at the memory, as sadness and residual anger rose within her. "We both said things that were hurtful. In the heat of the moment we both crossed the line" she confessed. "I just don't understand how it escalated so quickly" Liv said quietly, confusion overwhelming her.
"You were both worried and upset, your adrenaline was pumpin' and you were in pain" Amanda reminded her. "It was a stressful situation for both of you and it's understandable that you had an argument" she assured her. "It was a serious issue and things got heated, and you both got angry. It's normal, it happens" she continued, as they headed into the precinct parking lot. "His main concern was about you and the baby, and once he knew you were okay, everythin' else just rose to the surface" she added. Liv nodded in agreement, sighing deeply as Amanda parked. "We all say things we don't mean during an argument" she added gently, prompting Liv to look up and meet her gaze. "I'm sure you did too, right?" she suggested, Liv swallowed thickly and nodded.
"I told him not to tell me what to do, and that I wasn't just an incubator for his baby" Liv admitted. Amanda held her gaze and her expression did not falter. Rafa's did. "He looked so shocked and so hurt" she recalled. "I didn't mean it" she said quietly, "I regretted it the moment I said it" her voice barely above a whisper, as she remembered the look on Rafael Barba's face, which could only be described as one of utter devastation.
"I know" Amanda assured her, offering her a gentle smile. "And so does Barba" she added. Liv's expression tightened and she shook her head.
"I'm not so sure that he does" Liv responded, as a suspicion she had been trying to avoid acknowledging forced itself to the forefront of her mind. "Ever since finding out I was pregnant I've felt so vulnerable and weak and powerless" she explained. "It's been so hard" she admitted. "There's been so much that has been completely beyond my control" she continued. "When he was telling me I had to be careful and how pregnancy made me vulnerable I just snapped" she confessed. "I thought he was being patronising and controlling, but he wasn't" Liv said quietly, remembering his words and expression. "He was expressing an understandable concern for me and our baby and I overreacted" she added, stroking her belly as her baby began to settle down, kicking and moving lazily inside of her.
"I'm sure he regrets some of the things he said, just like you do" Amanda soothed. "Give yourselves some time to calm down, then talk to him" she encouraged, prompting Liv to look up and meet her gaze once more. "I know this feels like the end of the world, but I promise you it's not" she assured her.
"We haven't argued since he found out I'm pregnant" Liv said quietly. "I hid it from him for nearly two months, and when I explained why he understood, just like that" she said, shaking her head as she spoke. "He could've been furious, he would have had every right to be, but he wasn't" she continued. "He was so understanding, and supportive and..." she began, breaking off slightly as she spoke. "He bought me pregnancy pillows to help me sleep" she added, her eyes becoming tearful as she talked. Amanda's expression softened and she nodded. "Everything was going so well between us. We were getting into a new routine, and I really, really enjoyed the life that he, Noah and I were building together" she continued. "And now it's-"
"It's not over" Amanda interrupted, watching as Liv got more and more upset. "Liv, you had one fight" she soothed. "You guys have had arguments before-"
"It was a pretty big fight" Liv responded tearfully. "We have argued before, but never like that."
"You were both upset and angry, and you said some things you didn't mean in the heat of the moment" Amanda reasoned. "You both need to take some time to calm down, then talk about it, all of it" she explained. Liv swallowed thickly and nodded. "You know he doesn't just see you as an incubator, right?" she said cautiously. Liv winced.
"I know" Liv replied. "I didn't mean it" she said regretfully.
"I know you didn't" Amanda soothed. "He was worried about you, Liv, not just the baby" he assured her. "I remember when I was pregnant, I got so mad every time someone would suggest I stayed in the squadroom, or went home early, or started late" she explained. "I know they were lookin' out for me, and I appreciated it, but it also felt so patronising" she admitted. Liv nodded in understanding. She knew what she meant. And she also remembered that she herself had frequently insisted Amanda remain in the squadroom, especially during the later stages of her pregnancy. "I'm sure Barba had the best of intentions. But he shouldn't have talked to you the way he did, especially not at the hospital-"
"But I shouldn't have become so defensive and made everything so much worse" Liv replied. "And now he thinks I'm reckless and unreasonable and don't care about our baby's well-being-" she continued, feeling panic rise within her as she spoke.
"No, he doesn't" Amanda stated with conviction. "Like I said, I'm sure there was fault on both sides, there usually is" she added gently. "This isn't the end of you and Barba, or the life you're building together" she assured her. "I promise" she added.
Liv looked up at Amanda with worried eyes. The only thing that worried her more than whether Rafa had been right was if this argument signalled the beginning of the end. They had gone for years without speaking after their last argument, what if that happened again? It couldn't, for their baby's sake if not for theirs. What if everything was now as complicated as it had been before? Or worse? Had she just risked her baby's relationship with its father for the sake of her pride and ego? No, of course not. No matter how bad things got between her and Rafa, he would never abandon their child. Or, she suspected, her.
"When you're ready to stop feeling betrayed by me I'll be here" she remembered him saying sadly, resignation in his voice and expression as he rose from his seat during the last call at Forlini's.
"I hope you're right" Liv said quietly.
"Of course I am" Amanda stated with conviction. "You guys are meant to be together. And one argument does not change that" she advised. Liv nodded absently in agreement. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?"
"No" Liv responded. "No, I'm fine, it's just my arm" she responded. As soon as she spoke she remembered Rafa's frustrated expression and his insistence she was not fine.
"What if you hurt more than your arm, or your shoulder?" Rafa had asked, his voice imbued with pain and concern, which was reflected in his eyes. "What if the car exploded when you were inside?"
"Liv?" said Amanda, the sound of her voice drawing Liv out of her stupor and prompting her to look towards her.
"I'm sorry, what?" she asked quietly, feeling slightly embarrassed. Amanda smiled softly.
"Do you need a minute?" Amanda asked kindly.
"No" Liv responded, shaking her head. "No, what I need is to shower, get dressed, and do my job" she said calmly. Amanda considered her for a moment before nodding.
"Okay" she acceded, smiling softly, before opening her car door and stepping out.
By the time Liv had managed to unfasten her seatbelt Amanda had opened the passenger door and was standing beside her. Liv eased herself out of the car, wincing slightly at the pain in her shoulder, as she rose to her feet and stood next to Amanda.
"Come on. Let's get you inside" Amanda encouraged, smiling reassuringly at Liv as they walked together into the precinct, side by side.
As Liv walked into the precinct wearing yoga gear, Rafa's coat and pained expression, she felt the eyes of nearly all the people in the squadroom turn towards her. Most were subtle, calling out their usual 'good mornings' and a few 'you okay, Captain?'s. One notable exception was Fin Tutuola, who rose immediately from his desk and made his way towards Liv, reaching her just before she got to her office.
"You okay, Liv?" he asked calmly, concern present in his voice and eyes. Liv offered him a small smile and nodded.
"I'm fine, Fin. Thank you" Liv said gently. "I dislocated my shoulder and had to have a few stitches, but I'm alright, and the baby's fine" she assured him. Fin nodded in acknowledgement.
"As long as you're okay" he replied. Liv forced a smile and nodded. "One of the uniforms who responded to the scene drove your car back here, I put your keys, bag and gun on your desk" he added. Liv sighed in relief.
"That's great, thank you, Fin" she breathed. "Have you heard how the victims are?" she asked keenly. Fin nodded.
"The little girls have minor cuts and abrasions, but the mother has a skull fracture, bleeding on the brain and eight broken bones in her legs and arms" Fin advised. "She's in surgery now, but the doctors are hopeful about her chances" he added. Liv nodded.
"And the driver of the other car?" Liv asked, wincing and holding her right arm close to her. "Have they been found?"
"They have, thanks to you getting the whole plate number" Fin responded. "Two frat boys drunk from a party last night, drivin' daddy's car" he added. Liv closed her eyes and sighed in annoyance. "They're soberin' up at the 1-5" he explained.
"Was anyone else hurt?" Liv asked tentatively.
"Nah" Fin responded. "Frat boys crashed into a fire hydrant five blocks away" he added. The driver tried to flee but an off duty cop tackled him to the ground and held him til unis got there" he explained.
"Good" Liv responded. "Thanks, Fin" she added, as Amanda guided her into her office, closing the door behind her.
Amanda helped her out of Rafael Barba's coat, and then laid it down on the couch in Liv's office. Liv missed the weight and warmth of it almost immediately, but as she inhaled she realised she was covered by his scent. Warmth and guilt pooled in her belly, and her baby began to kick.
"Do you need any help getting' dressed?" Amanda offered kindly.
"No thanks, I'm fine" Liv responded gratefully. "I just wanna have a wash, get changed and get to work" she explained, as she made her way towards her desk and removed a bottle of Tylenol from her top drawer. She took two without water and placed her phone on her desk, the screen lighting up as she did so. It had been thirty minutes since her argument with Rafa and he had not called. She found herself feeling both worried and relieved in equal measure. He must still be furious with her.
"If you need anythin', you tell me, okay?" Amanda encouraged, drawing Liv's attention towards her.
"Thank you, Amanda" Liv said sincerely. Amanda smiled softly in response and nodded, before watching her walk out of her office and close the door behind her.
Liv let out a deep breath to calm herself, as she emptied her pockets of her phone, a receipt and some other items, before heading calmly out of her office and towards the locker room.
Amanda looked up from her desk and watched Liv head towards the ladies' locker room, when she was distracted by her cell phone ringing on her desk. She picked it up and glanced at the caller ID, hesitating for a moment before answering it on the third ring.
"Hi, Barba" Amanda said warmly.
"Hi, Rollins" Barba replied calmly, as he waved to Carmen and then stepped into his office, closing the door behind him. He had wanted to call Amanda from his Uber, but had managed to restrain himself until now. "How's Liv doing?" he asked gently, hoping for an answer.
"She's fine, Barba. Really" Amanda assured him. "We've just got back to the squadroom, and-"
"Wait, hold up, the squadroom? She's not at home?" Barba asked, confusion and concern present in his voice. Amanda swallowed hard, hoping she would not also be about to argue with the ADA.
"I suggested I drive her home but she said she was alright and she wanted to work" Amanda explained. "Her shoulder hurts but she's otherwise fine, she's just getting changed" she explained. "I mean, to be honest, I'm glad she's here because it means Fin and I can keep an eye on her" she added, hoping to reassure Barba and soothe his frayed nerves.
Rafael Barba sighed lightly and nodded as he sat heavily at his desk.
"Okay" he conceded. "Thank you, Rollins" he added gratefully.
"Barba" Amanda interrupted, sensing he was about to end the call. She wanted to help them both but she didn't want to overstep the mark or betray a confidence. "She really is alright. I would've taken her back to the hospital if I had any concerns" she assured him. "She said the baby was kickin' like crazy in the hospital" she explained, hoping to reassure him.
Rafael Barba's expression softened and the corner of his mouth turned upwards into a small smile.
"Thank you, Rollins" he said sincerely. "If you are worried or if... if there is anything I can do-"
"I'll call you" Amanda assured him. "It's gonna be okay, Barba" she soothed. "Just give it some time" she suggested. Rafael Barba nodded in response.
"Take care, Amanda" he said kindly, before ending the call.
Rafael Barba put his phone on his desk and sighed deeply, before turning on his laptop and logging in, then checking his diary for the day. He noted it was nearly ten-thirty and he had a meeting at 11 and a Motions Hearing at 1pm. He was feeling unsettled and on edge and finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate. He felt guilty and uncomfortable with the fact that he and Liv had not resolved their argument, but he was relieved to hear she was alright, and that Amanda had no immediate concerns. Although he wished she had gone home to rest, he understood that there were benefits to her being with other people. And, in truth, he would have been more concerned if she was at home alone, especially since he was confident she would not want to talk to him for some time. He wanted to talk to her in person, and ideally before the end of the day, he didn't want to doorstep her at home, especially if Noah was there. Perhaps he could head to the precinct later in the afternoon? He'd consider it.
A knock at the door drew him sharply from his thoughts, and he looked up and called to Carmen to enter.
"Sorry, Mr Barba, but your 11 o'clock has arrived early" Carmen said apologetically. Rafael Barba nodded somewhat distractedly in response.
"Thanks, Carmen" he said gently. "Can you get him comfortable in the meeting room and offer him some coffee?" he asked politely. "I'll be there in five minutes."
"I already have" Carmen replied gently, sensing her employer was feeling rather fraught. He had called her to let her know he would be late, and there were whispers amongst the Court staff as to why that would be. He was known for being one of the most unflappable ADAs, but today he was looking understandably stressed. "Can I get you one, too?" she offered kindly.
"That would be great. Thank you" he replied sincerely. Carmen offered him a small smile and nodded, before closing his door behind her.
Rafael Barba sighed gently and picked up the relevant case file for his meeting, skimming through the material quickly to refamiliarise himself ahead of the meeting. He then made a call to Fin Tutuola and asked him to come to his office at midday to discuss the 1pm Motion Hearing, which Fin agreed to. Carmen returned to his office with a most welcome cup of strong black coffee, which was accompanied by biscuits, as was her custom when he was working on a difficult case and required minimal disruptions. He thanked her politely and quickly drank the coffee, before picking up his case file and briefcase and heading into his meeting, desperately trying to focus on the case at hand, as his treacherous thoughts drifted constantly back to Captain Olivia Benson.
After spending what she considered to be a frustratingly long time washing herself and getting ready, Liv emerged from the locker room at eleven o'clock, feeling sore but much more human. She was wearing black maternity work trousers and a matching blazer, with a loose-fitting white blouse which fell neatly over her growing belly. Despite the temptation to discard it, Liv put the sling on over her blazer after applying her make-up, which had been the most painful part of the process to date.
She got a snack from the vending machine and caught up with her team, before heading into her office and reviewing her emails and messages. Many of which were from her Chief, who had somehow already been appraised of the events of the morning.
Liv returned her Chief's call first, and provided a brief and succinct account of the events. She was honest about her injury but downplayed her pain, and assured her boss she was fit and well enough to be working. He accepted her reassurances but advised he would need her to be cleared by a doctor in a couple of weeks, despite the fact she was not authorised to be in the field due to her pregnancy. Liv assured him she was aware of the requirements and would comply with them. He forced out some words of praise shortly before ending the call, but they were more of an afterthought that anything else. Thankfully, Liv was not one for praise, and she did not mind. She was just glad she hadn't had to argue with another man about her 'reckless' behaviour.
By twelve-thirty, Liv found the affects of her painkillers were beginning to wear off, but it was too early to take a second dose. The combination of her increased levels of pain and her constant thoughts of her argument with Rafa and the lack of resolution concerning it made it increasingly hard for Liv to concentrate, and she found herself sighing in frustration. She inhaled deeply and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, before taking a few sips of ice cold water. She was halfway through composing an email when her phone began to ring. The first person she thought of was Rafa, and she found herself feeling a strange combination of disappointment and relief when it was not his name on her caller ID. The name that was on the caller ID did little to calm her, and she sighed as she spoke to her Chief again for the second time in two hours.
"Captain Benson, have you seen the LMZ's lead story?" the Chief asked, irritation and annoyance present in his tone.
"No, Sir, I haven't" Liv replied, reaching into her desk drawer and removing the TV remote, as she turned on the TV in her office. "What is it?" she asked, as she turned on the channel, her eyes widening at the sight before her.
Above a banner with the headline "Pregnant Cop Saves Kids From Burning Car" was raw footage of Liv and a good Samaritan rescuing the mother and daughters from the car earlier that day. The footage showed Liv backing out of the back of the car with the youngest daughter in her arms. Liv watched as she turned on the spot and rose to her feet, resting the little girl on her visibly pregnant belly, before running with her away from the vehicle. She barely got ten paces before the car exploded, the force of which sent her flying, falling heavily to her knees with the young girl in her arms, clinging to her. Liv closed her eyes and covered her face with her hand, as she listened to her Chief lecture her on the "optics" relating to footage showing a "heavily pregnant senior Police Officer nearly getting blown up in midtown Manhattan". Liv listened absently to her Chief's words and watched as the footage was played again from the beginning, ending at the explosion at the car, before showing clips of the aftermath, with a clearly injured Liv liaising with the first responders before getting into an ambulance with the children.
Liv's name then appeared at the bottom of the screen, together with her official photo as Captain, as two reporters appeared on the screen. They were discussing the nature of her injuries and her pregnancy, and Liv found her heart begin to race, as hot panic overcame her.
Rafa will be watching this, she thought, worry overcoming her at the prospect. He was upset and angry after hearing about the incident, seeing it on screen will be torture.
Liv closed her eyes slowly and lowered her head, as she absently agreed to her Chief's words. Her shoulder ached badly, and her sleeping baby had decided now was an excellent time to continue its assault on her abdominal wall. Liv rubbed her belly soothingly in an attempt to calm her restless child, but to no avail. The combination of her aching shoulder, her agitated baby and her guilt over her argument with Rafa overwhelmed her completely, and she found herself unable to concentrate on her conversation with her boss.
"Actually, Chief, my shoulder is feeling rather painful" Liv acceded, when her boss finally drew breath which enabled her to speak. "Would you mind if I work from home this afternoon, and possibly tomorrow?" she suggested. "Given the press coverage I'd imagine it would look better if I was away from the precinct for a few days" she added.
Liv was unsurprised when her Chief, who was particularly sensitive to press criticism of the Police, enthusiastically agreed to her request. In fact, he insisted she work from home for the rest of the week. She thanked him politely, assured him she was fine, and agreed she would take time off if she needed to. She agreed she would keep him updated as to her "condition" and would do her best to keep a "low profile until the heat dies down".
Feeling rather chastened, Liv ended the call with some annoyance, and found herself feeling even more unsettled than she had before. She had been playing her argument with Rafa over and over in her mind, and whilst she did feel he had crossed the line, she realised that she had too. Her guilt over some of the things she said to him, and at having stormed out of the room instead of discussing matters with him, increased tenfold when she realised he would now have to endure watching footage of the very event that caused him so much worry. As she watched the footage back she realised just how close she and Amy had been to the car when it exploded, and she placed a guilty hand upon her belly, which her lively baby promptly directed its full attentions towards.
She did not regret what she did, it was an emergency and she acted quickly in order to save those children and their mother. But despite the extenuating circumstances, she could not deny the fact that her decision to intervene had put herself and her baby in danger. And it was understandable that the man she loved, who was the father of her baby, was unhappy that she had done so. Her residual anger over their argument and her concern about discussing it with Rafa again was overcome completely by her awareness of how his concern would increase tenfold when he saw that torturous footage.
Feeling increasingly restless and untethered about the argument with Rafa, and aware of just how much more worried he would feel when he saw the footage, Liv packed her bag and went to pick it up, stopping herself at the last moment from placing it instinctively over her right shoulder. Sighing in frustration, Liv put her bag over her left shoulder and then made her way towards the couch, where Rafa's coat lay discarded. She leaned forward and picked it up, draping it over her left arm, before walking calmly out of her office.
Amanda looked up at her as she emerged from her office, rising from her desk and walking calmly towards her.
"Liv, you okay?" Amanda asked, as Liv looked up at her with a rather distracted expression.
"Not really" Liv sighed. "One of the witnesses to the crash this morning sold their cell phone footage to LMZ" she stated. Amanda sighed and nodded in understanding. "The Chief is furious, and practically ordered me to work from home for the remainder of the week" she added. "And I really need to talk to Rafa before he sees the footage" she explained. "He was worried when he heard about it, but if he sees it whilst still worried about me and the baby, he'll have an aneurysm-"
"Okay, Liv, hey, slow down" Amanda soothed. "Barba called Fin in for a meeting at 12, and he's got a Motions Hearing on the Tax Cab Rapist case at one, so we can try and get you there before he sees it" she stated. "I'll drive you" she stated. Liv looked too relieved to protest and nodded.
"Thank you" she said sincerely, as they made their way quickly out of the squadroom.
After thanking Sergeant Fin Tutuola and opening his office door for him as he left, Rafael Barba headed back to his desk and went to review matters ahead of the Motion Hearing in thirty minutes. As he sat down there was a knock at the door and Carmen entered.
"I've got to finish prepping for the Motions Hearing at 1-" he began politely.
"I'm sorry Mr Barba, but you're going to want to see this" Carmen explained, apparently reluctantly, as she entered his office and turned on his TV.
Knowing from experience that Carmen did not interrupt him unless absolutely necessary, Rafael Barba looked up at the TV screen somewhat distractedly, and watched as his secretary turned the channel to LMZ.
Rafael Barba glanced at the headline, before looking up and watching the raw footage of the car accident Liv witnessed earlier that morning. He recognised Liv immediately, and watched as she yelled at the man beside her to get the driver out of the car, as she climbed inside the vehicle, which was currently on fire. He felt his stomach clench and his mouth go dry as he watched Liv crawl into the back of the car and back out slowly with a terrified little girl clinging to her neck. Liv was clearly pregnant in the footage, her rounded belly accentuated by the child who rested atop it. Despite knowing the outcome, Rafael Barba felt his heart race as he watched Liv run away from the car, barely making it five feet before it burst into flames. The impact of the explosion threw her to her knees, where she landed heavily as glass and debris rained down around her. She was leaning forward and protecting the little girl in her arms.
Rafael Barba felt an odd combination of pride and terror at the footage, and was relieved when it quickly cut back to the newsroom and a discussion on Captain Olivia Benson, a "decorated New York Police Officer with multiple awards for bravery".
"Thank you, Carmen" Rafael said quietly, unable to take his eyes off the image of Liv in her Captain's uniform. "Could you turn that off, please" he asked quietly. Carmen nodded agreeably and turned it off, before quietly excusing herself from his office.
Rafael closed his eyes and leaned back heavily in his seat, as he tried desperately to suppress the image of Liv and their baby almost get blown up in a car explosion. He forced himself to remember that Liv was fine, but the only way he could do that was by reminding himself of their interaction in the hospital. He opened his eyes and sat up bolt upright at his desk, reaching for the case file for the Motions Hearing, desperate for a distraction. But even as he opened it he knew he would not take in a single word of anything he might try and read.
Five minutes after Rafael Barba left his office and headed down the stairs to his Motions Hearing, a notably breathless Olivia Benson arrived in his office, her previously suppressed concerns about whether he was still angry and disappointed returning to her with a vengeance as she stepped into his office.
Carmen looked up at Liv as she entered, her eyes widening slightly, before she quickly corrected herself and rose from her seat.
"Captain Benson" Carmen said politely.
"Hi, Carmen" Liv responded. "Is Rafael in his office?" she asked, glancing down at her watch.
"You've just missed him" Carmen replied apologetically. "He has a Motions Hearing in five minutes, but he shouldn't be long, you're welcome to wait" she advised, as she made her way around her desk. "Can I help you with that?" she asked, gesturing towards the coat and bag she was holding. "Can I get you anything?"
"No, thank you, I'm fine" Liv replied. "On both counts" she added with a small smile, finding herself relieved to have earned herself a temporary reprieve. Carmen smiled softly and walked quickly towards her boss's office, opening the door for Liv, who thanked her as she stepped inside.
Liv walked calmly into Rafa's office, looking around it slowly, as though she were seeing it for the first time. She walked towards his desk, and rested his coat over the back of his chair, her eyes drifting down towards his desk, which was covered in papers and files. As always, it was the only are of his office which showed any signs of disorder. She smiled affectionately and placed her bag down on his desk, before walking slowly towards his window, holding her aching arm towards her.
Now that she was in his office, she found herself feeling suddenly increasingly worried about what would happen next. What if he was still furious with her? What if seeing the footage made him even more angry - and her actions even harder to forgive?
As Liv's heart began to race, her baby began to kick excitedly, and she rubbed her belly with her left hand in an attempt to soothe it. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she tried to calm herself, not wanting her stress or agitation to affect her baby. She remained in a calm and reflective silence for some time, relieved to feel her baby settling, tiring itself out from a day of merciless assault – which she could not blame it for in the slightest.
The sound of the door opening prompted Liv to open her eyes and turn towards it instinctively, looking up just as Rafael Barba entered the room. He looked towards her immediately and his eyes widened, his expression one somewhere between relief and surprise, as he came to a sudden stop and stared at her.
"Liv" he said quietly, concern present in his voice, as he watched her closely, as though waiting to see how she would react. He was relieved to find she did not appear to be angry, but the worried look on her face pained him.
Liv offered him as reassuring a smile as she could muster, as she tried to ignore the feelings of guilt and concern which flooded her once more.
"Hi, Rafa."