The two weeks which followed Liv's discharge from hospital passed incredibly quickly, with her attentions focused almost exclusively upon the DiAngelo case.
The multi-borough investigation, which she was leading from Manhattan SVU, had uncovered further rapes and murders consistent with DiAngelo's MO. By the end of the second week there were a total of twenty-two rapes and three murders, as well as dozens of sexual assaults in the three years which preceded the first rape. Carisi had successfully argued that DiAngelo was a danger to women and had means and motive to flee, prompting the Judge to agree to remand him until his trial. The trial was due to take place in the second week of September, which was less than three weeks away. Liv and her detectives were therefore working tirelessly with the DA's office to build the strongest cases they could against him. News that DiAngelo's lawyer had filed a motion to enable the cases to be tried in their respective jurisdictions increased the pressure tenfold, whilst also provided Liv with an unsettling sense of deja vu, as William Lewis had also tried (and succeeded) to achieve the same.
As the investigation progressed and pressure mounted, from both the press and 1PP, Liv spent long days in the office, arriving before eight and sometimes not leaving until nine. Liv ensured she kept her weekends free for Noah, but was working from home during parts of the day, if he were asleep, watching a movie or playing. As well as balancing her duties as a Captain and a mother, she also continued to attend appointments with her OB every two weeks, and weekly appointments with Dr Lindstrom at his suggestion. Unfortunately the only evening he was free was a Friday, the only night of the week she did not work late, having reserved it for Noah. Despite not wanting to let Noah down, she knew that she needed the appointment, and it would benefit him as much as it would her. He was incredibly sweet when she explained it to him, and was soothed by the revelation he would be spending Friday nights with Lucy until his mother came home at eight.
Another downside of the appointment time was that Liv was unable to FaceTime Rafa with Noah every Friday, as had become their tradition. Not trusting herself to call him without breaking down, she text him to explain, apologising and advising of the complexity of their high-profile case. As she expected, Rafa responded with a kind message assuring her he understood, and advising he would still call and speak to Noah. Liv felt warmth radiate within her chest, spreading across her body, before being choked out of her by a permeating sensation of guilt.
"Why did you feel guilty, Olivia?" Dr Lindstrom asked her during their appointment that Friday evening. Liv swallowed thickly and shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know" she replied automatically. Dr Lindstrom remained quiet. "He was just so understanding" she added. "He's always so reasonable" she said sadly.
"And you feel you don't deserve his understanding" Dr Lindstrom suggested. "Given the secret you're keeping from him" he added gently. Liv's eyes met his gaze and her expression tightened. She clasped her hands in her lap and stared at them for a moment, before looking up and meeting his gaze once more.
"I know it sounds strange, but I don't feel pregnant" Liv admitted quietly, hesitation present in her voice. "I've had friends who said they knew immediately, practically at the point of conception" she added. "But I don't feel any different" she continued, "at least I didn't" she added quietly, confusion present in her tone. "I've been tired and slightly nauseous, but with my job and Noah I'm always tired, and you get to a point where that does make you feel sick" she rationalised. "But then-" she began, breaking off slightly as she spoke. "On Monday morning, Noah asked for pancakes with bacon and maple syrup" she said, smiling softly as she spoke. "When I was making it for him the smell of the bacon turned my stomach" she added. "I knew I wouldn't have time to make it to the bathroom, so I threw up in the kitchen sink, in front of Noah" she explained, worry present in her voice. "He was so worried, he's never seen me ill before" she advised. "He said I should stay home from work today and Lucy would take care of me until he got home" she added, swallowing hard and turning away from him as she sought to compose herself. "And then this morning, when I was getting dressed, a blouse I wear all the time felt just that little too tight..." she said quietly, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she spoke.
"You're fourteen weeks pregnant, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom said softly. "Although you may not feel pregnant, your body knows that it is, and the symptoms you're experiencing are evidence of that" he explained gently. "Do you think it's possible that you aren't allowing yourself to accept the fact you are pregnant, because you are worried about the results of the Amniocentesis?" he asked. Liv swallowed hard.
"I'm not in denial" she responded, somewhat defensively.
"I didn't suggest you weren't acknowledging your pregnancy, or that you were denying it" Dr Lindstrom said softly. "But that you are struggling to accept it" he continued. Liv held his gaze for a moment and her expression hardened. He watched as tears glistened in her eyes and she turned away. He waited a few moments for her to compose herself. "You had an appointment with your OB on Monday, didn't you?" he asked.
"Yes" Liv responded, her voice somewhat mechanical.
"How did that go?" he asked, watching her face. Liv's bottom lip trembled and she shook her head, staring at a space on the wall to her right. Dr Lindstrom sat silently for almost a minute until she calmed herself.
"I couldn't look at the ultrasound" Liv admitted sadly, guilt present in her tone. "It's not that I didn't want to, and I'm not in denial" she added quickly. Dr Lindstrom nodded slowly in understanding.
"I know" he assured her, prompting her to turn towards him. "You're scared you'll get attached to something you want very much, which you believe you are destined to lose" he explained. "After your attack you thought a miscarriage was inevitable, but it didn't happen" he added. "Then you were told about the high-risk nature of your pregnancy, and the increased chance of your child having a genetic abnormality or condition" he continued. "It's completely understandable that you are struggling to connect with your pregnancy" he assured her. "It's your mind's way of protecting itself."
Liv dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand in a futile attempt to stop herself from crying. She swallowed hard and turned towards Dr Lindstrom, looking at him with tearful eyes.
"You know, my OB gave me all these leaflets on higher-risk pregnancies and the Amniocentesis" Liv began, her voice quiet and gravelly. "I finally convinced myself to read them last weekend, when Noah was asleep" she added, her eyes adopting a glazed expression. Dr Lindstrom nodded.
"And you didn't sleep that night" he suggested. Liv chuckled sadly.
"I've barely slept since" she confessed. Dr Lindstrom watched her with a sympathetic expression before nodding.
"I know you're busy with work, but could you take a couple of days off to rest?" Dr Lindstrom asked.
"No" Liv replied instantly. "No, I'm overseeing the largest investigation I've ever been part of" she advised. "I'm working with detectives from all five boroughs, and there's a Motions Hearing and Trial coming up" she explained. "Besides, it wouldn't help. I'd just lie there and..."
"And try not to think about it" Dr Lindstrom suggested. Liv nodded in response.
"I honestly think that taking time away would be worse" she advised. "At least at work I'm distracted. The days are so long and so busy that I don't have time to worry" she explained. Dr Lindstrom nodded. "I'm having the Amniocentesis next Friday, and then it will take three weeks for the results to come back, so it... it won't be much longer" she whispered. "I feel like I'm in limbo" she stated quietly.
"Have you told anyone else about your pregnancy?" he asked gently. Liv shook her head.
"No" she replied quietly. Dr Lindstrom waited a moment before posing his next question.
"And you are certain you don't want to tell Mr Barba until the results of the Amniocentesis are back?" he asked. Liv swallowed hard.
"If the results come back clear I will tell him" she assured him. Dr Lindstrom nodded.
"And if they're not?" he asked gently. Liv shook her head.
"Then I won't" she replied quietly. "There is no need for him to have to go through that too" she said simply. Dr Lindstrom watched as sadness and guilt overcame Liv's features, and she stared at a spot on the floor. He decided to proceed cautiously.
"Do you know when he is due to return to New York?" he asked. Liv blinked and looked up at him, having not anticipated the question.
"He was supposed to be away from three months, but three became four, and it's possible it will be longer" Liv replied calmly. Dr Lindstrom nodded.
"Do you still speak to him once a week?" he asked gently. Liv became visibly tense.
"No" she advised. "No, with... with work and this I haven't been able to" she said quietly. Dr Lindstrom watched her for a moment.
"And how does that make you feel, Olivia?" he asked quietly. Liv smiled sadly and looked up at him with tearful eyes.
"I used to look forward to those conversations all day" Liv admitted, before her smile faltered. "But I'm relieved I have a reason not to have to-" she began, breaking off as she spoke.
"To talk to him?" Dr Lindstrom suggested. Liv shook her head.
"No" she said quietly. Dr Lindstrom watched her and thought carefully for a moment, as realisation dawned upon him.
"To deceive him" Dr Lindstrom said quietly. A tear ran down Liv's cheek and she didn't try to stop it.
"Yes" she said sadly, forcing herself to meet his gaze as she spoke. Dr Lindstrom waited for a few moments before continuing, considering Liv's demeanour and not wishing to distress her further.
"You have decided not to tell Mr Barba about the pregnancy until after the results come back, if the baby is healthy" Dr Lindstrom said gently. "You don't want to tell him about a baby you fear won't be well enough to be born" he continued carefully. Liv's expression tightened and he watched her inhale deeply. He knew he could not push her much further. "You are trying to protect him" he said simply. Liv blinked languidly and turned to meet his gaze. "Tell me, Olivia, do you think he would want to be subject to that type of protection?" he asked softly.
Liv watched Dr Lindstrom for a few moments as she considered her response.
"I don't know" she said quietly. Dr Lindstrom tilted his head to the side slightly and his expression softened.
"I think you do, Olivia" he said gently. Liv swallowed hard pursed her lips together for a moment before responding.
"No, he wouldn't" Liv responded, her voice sounding distant and very unlike her own. "He would want to know, and he would want to be here for me, supporting me, even if that hurt him" she added, having correctly anticipated Dr Lindstrom's next question. He watched her for a moment before proceeding.
"Does that frighten you?" Dr Lindstrom asked, watching as Liv frowned in confusion. "The idea of someone caring more about your wellbeing than they do their own?" he asked. Liv leaned back in her seat, her expression confused and bordering on defensive. "It can be overwhelming" he explained. "Especially if it's not something you are used to" he added. Liv scoffed and shook her head. "You care more for other people than you do for yourself. You love and protect them fiercely, risking not only your physical wellbeing to do so but your mental well-being too" he advised, "it's a very rare and very underappreciated gift" he stated. "Is it really surprising that you would fall in love with a man who has it too, and that he would love you in return?" he asked.
Dr Lindstrom watched as Liv's face fell, her eyes shining with tears and her bottom lip trembling. She wiped her eyes and rose quickly to her feet, walking over to his window and staring out of it. He turned his head to the side to watch her for a few moments, before sitting silently for almost a minute as she centred herself.
"What do you find more overwhelming" he began, tilting his head towards her as he spoke. "The fact that Mr Barba loves you, or that you love him back?" he asked.
Liv closed her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest, swallowing hard in an attempt to regain what little composure she had left. She turned towards him with tearful eyes.
"Yes" she said simply.
Dr Lindstrom's expression softened, as he considered whether she was answering the question or avoiding it. Or possibly both. Before he could speak, the sound of the timer on his desk chimed, and Liv quickly wiped the tears from her face. Dr Lindstrom watched as she removed her blazer from the back of the chair and began to put it on.
"At least this still fits" she remarked lightly, as she reached for her handbag and turned towards him with as confident an expression as she could muster. Dr Lindstrom rose to his feet and stood before her, prompting her to look up at him instinctively.
"I know you are very busy with work, but I would like to see you on Wednesday evening, before you undergo the Amniocentesis on the Friday" Dr Lindstrom advised. Liv's expression softened and she nodded in agreement.
"Thank you, Dr Lindstrom" she added, somewhat formally.
"You are welcome, Olivia" he replied sincerely. "If you need to talk before our next session you can call me. Anytime" he reminded her. Liv nodded and quietly thanked him once more, before walking out of his office in somewhat of a daze, the cool night air soothing her burning eyes.
Liv's weekend with Noah was wonderful, but it passed far too quickly. Which she attributed, at least partly, to the fact her body seemed to need such a significant amount of sleep. She would fall asleep for at least a couple of hours in the afternoon with Noah, as they snuggled up to watch a movie, before falling asleep again before ten and not waking until nearly eight, when she could usually function quite happily on five hours' rest. The fact she was still feeling utterly exhausted when she did wake up was a further insult to injury, and one which prompted her to take long hot showers in order to restore her mind and body to some form of order which would enable her to function as a human being for the day in front of her.
After sleeping in past her alarm and spending slightly longer in the shower than she had intended, Liv was now running notably late, a fact which she found incredibly stressful. Therefore, after styling her hair and applying her make-up, she was rushing to get dressed and be ready to leave before Lucy arrived. However, one of her four trusted pairs of work trousers was feeling uncomfortably tight around her lower belly, so much so that she abandoned all attempts at securing them. Attempting to ignore the rising feeling of panic, she kicked the trousers aside and tried on another pair, and then another, and was startled to find she was experiencing the same issues with those as their predecessors. Although, admittedly, her clothes had started to feel slightly tighter than usual, they had not failed to fit her. Her trousers had been a little tight last week, and she had selected looser-fitting blouses for comfort. But now the trousers would not fasten, and she found herself standing frozen in the centre of her bedroom, wearing nothing but her underwear, unable to think straight.
After a few moments Liv swallowed hard and turned back towards her wardrobe, but as she reached the door she hesitated, before turning around and facing the free-standing long mirror opposite her. Liv found herself walking slowly towards the mirror, her eyes drifting instinctively down towards her belly.
Whilst there was no immediate, noticeable difference in her body in her reflection, as she looked down towards her abdomen she noticed a distinct, notable swell of her belly. A slight curve, small but pronounced, and even more noticeable when viewed from the side. Anyone who did not know Olivia, or was less familiar with her figure, would not necessarily attribute her growing shape to pregnancy. But Olivia knew her body, and to her her changing shape was clear and obvious. As Liv stared at the reflection of her side profile in the mirror, she found her hand drifting instinctively towards her lower belly, feeling the firmness of the pronounced curve against her palm. She felt panic rise within her, and she removed her hand immediately, before walking quickly towards her chest of drawers.
Liv had worked with a personal trainer for nearly a year, which had improved her fitness and toned her body, much to her delight. Some of the clothes which she had worn previously had become too loose, and she had folded and stored them away. She quickly located a pair of black trousers and a cream coloured blouse, which she hastily put on. To her immeasurable relief they fit comfortably, and she sighed contently as she walked towards her mirror, tucking in the blouse and examining herself from all angles. Although her rounded belly had been obvious to her when she had been undressed, it was completely concealed now. Liv felt guilty at the wave of relief which overcame her, and she quickly turned away from the mirror, slipping on her heels and putting on a matching blazer just as Noah's voice called to her from the living room.
"Mum! Lucy's here!" Noah called.
"Coming, sweetie" Liv responded, picking up her handbag and hurrying out of her bedroom.
Liv put her handbag on the kitchen island and picked up her laptop and charger from the kitchen table, together with some files she had brought home.
"Hi, Lucy" Liv greeted warmly, as she began to pack her bag. Lucy returned the greeting and instructed Noah to find his shoes and coat, before slowly walking towards her employer.
"Are you alright, Olivia?" Lucy asked kindly. Liv looked up at her in surprise, the question catching her off guard.
"I'm fine" Liv smiled. "Why do you ask?" she added, trying to ignore a rising feeling of unease. Lucy hesitated and immediately appeared apologetic.
"You just look a little pale, that's all" she added gently. "And Noah said you were sick?" she asked. Liv frowned in confusion, before recalling the incident with the bacon, and feeling her stomach clench.
"It was nothing, I had some bad bacon" Liv replied with a smile. "Work is manic, and I'm exhausted" she added simply, knowing tiredness was a perfect excuse which was seldom debated. Lucy nodded in response.
"The DiAngelo guy? I've been reading about him in the paper" Lucy said, appearing instantly unsettled.
"Take my advice, Lucy" Liv said kindly. "Don't" she added. Lucy smiled and nodded, just as Noah re-entered the room. "Goodbye, my love" Liv said warmly, leaning down towards her son and hugging him. "I'll be back tonight, okay?"
"Okay, mum. Bye" he beamed, as Liv picked up her keys and hurried out the door.
Liv arrived at the precinct twenty minutes later, which she considered a minor miracle given the rush hour traffic. She put her bag in her office and made herself some peppermint tea, which she found was the only thing that would settle her stomach and keep her nausea at bay.
After discussing the current position of the DeAngelo case with the detectives, Liv spent the majority of the morning in her office, updating 1PP and arranging a meeting with the DA's office and her chief ahead of the Motions Hearing which was scheduled for next Tuesday. She had been in her office for three hours before she rose from her seat, walking into the precinct and heading towards Amanda, who was speaking with one of the detectives from Brooklyn SVU. Liv waited until their conversation ended and the Brooklyn detective walked away, heading towards his colleague who had just entered the precinct.
"Amanda" Liv began, prompting her friend to turn towards her. "I have a meeting with the chief at two" she explained, as the Brooklyn detectives headed back towards them with two brown paper bags. "I'd like you to come with me to update-"
As Liv was speaking, the strong smell of cooked sausage and bacon assaulted her senses, and she looked up as the Brooklyn SVU detectives began handing out breakfast rolls which were wrapped in tin foil. Liv felt her stomach clench and a strong wave of nausea overcome her. She closed her eyes for a moment and took in a slow breath. Amanda watched as she visibly paled.
"Liv?" Amanda asked, prompting her boss to open her eyes, just as one of the detectives approached them both with an outstretched hand offering them each a roll. Liv's nausea increased tenfold.
"No thank you, detective" she responded politely, before turning back to Amanda. "Two, okay?" she said simply, her words slightly choked, before turning calmly on the spot and walking away.
The Brooklyn SVU detective, distracted by food and calls of protest from his colleague for an incorrect order, placed Amanda's roll on the desk and headed back to defend himself to his friend. Amanda headed towards the water cooler and poured a large cup of ice-cold water, before following Liv towards the ladies' bathroom.
When Amanda entered the bathroom she found Liv on her knees in the middle stall, hunched over and vomiting, her body tense with exertion.
"It's just me, Liv" Amanda soothed, placing a comforting hand on Liv's shoulder and glancing towards the door. "It's alright. Get it all out" she encouraged (though Liv needed no encouragement).
After a couple of minutes of vomiting, followed by some painful dry-heaving, Liv rose to her feet and walked unsteadily towards the sink. She splashed water on her face and gripped the sink with both hands to steady herself. Amanda appeared beside her and offered her the cup.
"Take small sips" Amanda encouraged. Liv frowned and turned away, not feeling able to stomach anything, even water. "Trust me" Amanda soothed, prompting Liv to meet her gaze. "It really helps" she added. Liv sighed gently and nodded, thanking Amanda as she accepted the cup, and started to sip obediently. "Nobody noticed" she assured her. Liv lowered the cup from her lips, a sad and guilty expression upon her face.
"Thanks, Amanda" Liv said quietly, forcing a smile, before turning away from the sink and towards the door.
"Liv" Amanda said gently, prompting her to turn back towards her. "You know you can talk to me, right?" she added. Liv's expression softened and she nodded.
"Yeah" she assured her, offering as strong a smile as she could muster. "Thank you" she added sincerely. Amanda nodded in response, and watched with concern as Liv walked silently out of the bathroom.
Liv remained in her office for the rest of the morning and part of the early afternoon, her door shut and her windows open, the cool breeze soothing the sickness which stayed with her all day. She attended the meeting with Amanda, which she got through by sipping ice-cold water, before heading back to the precinct and remaining in her office for the rest of the day. Her squad were aware of the pressure she was under, and the calls she was taking from her bosses, the DA, the press and various other institutions. They were therefore unsuspicious of her shutting herself away, and they dutifully obeyed Amanda's instructions to "leave her be".
As the week progressed, Liv found her nausea slowly abating, which came as a small reprieve. Her days were spent mainly in meetings with the other SVU Captains, the DA's office, her bosses and her team. She issued orders to her detectives, fielded calls from the press, and liaised with forensics and the ME's office to ensure they had a solid case ahead of the Motion Hearing and impending trial.
Following a particularly migraine-inducing meeting with her boss on Wednesday afternoon, Liv spent the remainder of the day in her office, reviewing the DD5s in relation to DiAngelo's Manhattan cases well into the evening. Her eyes were sore with tiredness, and the manageable but ever-present sensation of nausea caused her to feel unsettled, and prompted her to ignore the grumbling in her belly. She closed the last DD5 and then began to compose an email, before the alarm on her cell phone distracted her, informing her that it was 6.30pm. Liv silenced the alarm and finished the email, sending it off quickly, before shutting down her laptop and placing it in her handbag.
Liv rose to her feet and placed her laptop charger, cell phone and some case files into her bag, before tidying her desk as she tried to suppress the rising feeling of anxiety at the prospect of her meeting with Dr Lindstrom. Whilst she found their sessions incredibly beneficial she had struggled with them recently, and the last thing she wanted to discuss right now was the Amniocentesis procedure she would be undergoing in a few days. Liv swallowed thickly and put on her blazer, before placing her handbag over her shoulder and tucking her hair behind her ear. She reached into her desk drawer and removed her car keys, and was about to step away from her desk when she was startled by a voice from the doorway.
"Hi, Liv" came a warm and familiar voice, prompting her to stand bolt upright, staring at her unexpected visitor with wide eyes. Her gaze met his and she felt her stomach tighten, as he smiled at her with sincere affection.
"Rafa" she breathed.