Vinegar
"Speech"
'Thoughts'
"Zanpakutō"
"Hollows/Vizard"
"[Reading/listening to a message/letter]"
"{Speaking a different language}"
AN: Just a group of different ideas for Bleach stories. Figured, I already did those two Isane ones way back when, why not some of the sillier ideas.
-[-
A Different Angry Midget
Within the city of Karakura, it was the end of the day for the local high school students. The students poured out of the doors, minus those who had cleaning duty, towards freedom for the day. One such teenager, a tall young man with bright orange hair by the name of Ichigo Kurosaki, called over his shoulder to his various friends and acquaintances, "See you guys tomorrow. And remember-"
His reminder was cut off by a girl with long black hair who didn't even look up from her book, "We know, Kurosaki. Run if we encounter more than three Hollows at a time." Her complete disinterest was further cemented when she turned a page, proving she was more focused on her book than her classmate's warning. Despite what some might expect from the second highest testing student in her grade, Ryo Kunieda was currently avidly reading the trashiest scifi-romance novel she could get her hands on. As far as she was concerned, it was far more important than a warning she'd heard enough times that she memorized Ichigo's exact tone and inflection when he gave it.
"And call you if a Huge Hollow appears," a short-haired tomboy rolled her eyes as she remarked. An avid karate practitioner, Tatsuki Arisawa had known Ichigo longer than everyone present, having met him in karate practice when they were both four. She gave Ichigo a playful punch in the shoulder, though the impact sounded more like a gunshot than anything a human was capable of. Despite that, the taller teen gave no sign he felt anything from the hit. "Seriously, Ichigo, I'm pretty sure none of us would need your help for anything shy of a Menos. And I'm pretty sure you'd notice a Hollow the size of a skyscraper without our help."
Though the tanned giant Sado nodded in agreement, the redheaded Chizuru chimed in with a waggle of her eyebrows. "Oh, I can think of a few things that might distract him from even that. Isn't that right, Kurosaki?" She suggested salaciously.
Any response Ichigo would have given was cut off by a loud horn blaring. Everyone turned and saw a white panel van parked outside the school's main gate. Leaning out of the driver's window was an older woman with black hair tied in a bun and partially hidden under a brown cap and goggles. Her purple and white shirt had the word Unagiya written across her substantial chest and a pair of black gloves adorned her hands, made obvious as she impatiently waved. "Oi, hurry it up, Ichigo! You've got a lot of work to do!" Ichigo's part-time employer, Ikumi Unagiya, shouted, heedless of the stares she was getting.
"Yeah, yeah! Calm down already! I'm coming, I'm coming!" Ichigo shouted back as he stomped towards the parked vehicle. As he went, he ignored the barely heard mutter from Chizuru about 'I'm sure he'll be the one hearing that later.' Instead, he thought how glad he was that Keigo had cleaning duty today. He didn't need to hear his friend's overdramatic crying about "scoring such a babe" for the third time this week.
-[-
Stepping out of the Senkaimon into the Living World, a Shinigami took in her surroundings. The woman was remarkably short, standing less than five feet tall. She also possessed a very slender body; if not for her serious scowl, she'd easily be mistaken for a child in middle school. Her black hair was mostly cut short, barely reaching her jaw, but she had two long braids covered in white cloth that terminated in a pair of large golden rings just past her waist. Rather than the standard uniform, she wore a modified backless and sleeveless version that was open down to the top of her thighs, albeit interrupted by a thick sash around her middle holding her uniform in place. Over her uniform, she wore a white captain's haori with the kanji for two on the back. Finally, her Zanpakutō, a short wakizashi rather than a more typical katana, was strapped horizontally across her back.
Captain Soifon considered her mission as she stood above the skyline. It had been decades since she last had a mission into the Living World, after all, Captains were far too valuable and far too busy to handle such things normally. Even Lieutenants being sent was incredibly rare. But something or someone was causing all kinds of problems inside the Jūreichi, known as Karakura Town to the inhabitants. Reishi concentration had skyrocketed and increasingly powerful Hollows were appearing on 12th Division's sensors. Yet, despite all of that, the Shinigami assigned to Karakura hadn't reported even seeing a Hollow in the full twelve months he'd been assigned to patrol the small city.
And so, Soifon had been assigned to investigate the matter and report back in three months' time. While she would have given the mission to one of her underlings, her 3rd Seat couldn't be spared from managing the Detention Unit, her 4th Seat was out on a mission that they couldn't afford to cut short so suddenly, and any officers below 4th Seat were too weak to handle the expected mission parameters, never mind any unforeseen complications. And the day she trusted Ōmaeda to handle such a sensitive mission was the day Soifon retired from the Gotei 13 to join a Kabuki theatre. Of course, as a Captain, she was forced to have the majority of her power sealed away for as long as she was in the Living World. But even a mere twenty percent would allow her to manhandle Gillians, let alone anything liable to actually make an appearance on her mission.
-[-
Two days later, Soifon felt the unprofessional urge to tear her hair out and the slightly more professional urge to stab someone. She now knew why the Shinigami patrolling never saw a Hollow. The humans were killing them all as soon as they appeared! It seemed like everyone in the city had spiritual powers! Alright, that might be an exaggeration, but Soifon had witnessed no less than eight humans fighting Hollows over the course of her observation, most of whom seemed to be adolescents. Potentially worse was just how many Hollows were flocking to the city. An ordinary city this size would generally see a Hollow or two every few days at most. As the Jūreichi, a few Hollows daily wouldn't be unusual. In the, Soifon checked her Soul Pager, forty-nine hours she had been in Karakura, she had seen no less than twenty-seven Hollows of various sizes and power arrive. It was an epidemic!
Naturally, that was when her senses alerted her to number twenty-eight. From atop the telephone pole she had been perched upon, Soifon spotted the Garganta open in a dirty alley between two buildings. Matter of fact, it was at the opposite end of the alley from a group of dirty teens who seemed to be paying attention to a particularly large spiritual signature near the mouth of the alley. She didn't particularly care what they were up to; human affairs were human affairs. She would handle the Hollow then go on her way.
Instead, the Hollow appeared just as the spiritual signature came level with the alleyway, revealing that it belonged to a curvaceous woman wearing a brown cap with a pair of goggles, carrying two large bags filled with groceries. Her would-be assailants barely started to move towards her when she glared at them. They all froze solid as she coldly warned, "Beat it. I don't have time for trash like you." What they didn't see, though Soifon did, was the pulse of spirit energy from her eyes that accompanied her words which blasted the still emerging Hollow into dust.
While the teens fled, Soifon sighed in annoyance before mentally logging yet another human capable of fighting Hollows, at least weak ones. "This is going to be a long three months," she muttered to herself.
-[-
Inside his Inner World, Ichigo was doing what he did every night: Try to defeat his Zanpakutō spirit. Their battle took place in a snow-covered forest where the trees were so thick that it was impossible to see more than a couple dozen feet in any direction. With the speeds they moved at, such distance might as well be inches. Of course, when the weather was anything other than calm, visibility often did drop to mere inches as howling winds blew snow in every direction. Ichigo hid behind a tree just outside a small clearing, his target in the exact center of said clearing. The tall, broad-shouldered man was almost as pale as the snow around him, a fact easy to see as he was shirtless and hairless but for a bushy black beard. His legs were covered in leathers and furs but his feet were bare.
Without a sound, a lesson he had beaten into him early on, Ichigo leapt from cover as the taller man looked away. His kodachi was aimed straight for his Zanpakutō spirit's heart as he rushed towards him. Well before impact, the larger man spun around and smacked his blade aside with one hand. The power from the deflection nearly dislocated Ichigo's shoulder as he fought to hold onto his weapon. A pale hand wrapped around his neck and slammed him into the ground. The snow offered no cushioning as the breath was driven from Ichigo's lungs. "Too obvious, boy," The man reprimanded him. As always, his voice sounded like he gargled with rocks. "Even the dumbest animal knows how vulnerable its backside is and will guard it accordingly."
Ichigo's foot lashed out for the man's groin. Another important lesson he'd been taught: In a serious fight, the only rule was survival. However, the Zanpakutō merely shifted his legs so Ichigo's kick struck his thigh. Said attack was merely a distraction. Quick as a striking viper, Ichigo's kodachi stabbed into the bald man's torso through his armpit, sinking in nearly a foot before he reacted. Ichigo found himself tossed aside as his Zanpakutō pulled back. The man pulled out the offending weapon and gave a grunt of approval, "Better." Ichigo didn't roll his eyes but it was a near thing. His Zanpakutō, who still didn't give him his name, wasn't exactly one for open praise. Quiet approval was as far as he went, though it still meant more to Ichigo than he'd admit to receive it. A sudden feeling from the real world caused both to look up at the sky sharply. "Our lesson will have to be cut short tonight. Try not to trouble your woman too much while you deal with that."
The teen awakened instantly. One mundane advantage of his nightly training: Ichigo was never groggy or confused when he woke up. As such, he knew the room he was in belonged to the woman spooned against his back. He found it just a touch silly that one of Ikumi's two nonnegotiable rules (besides no foul language around her son) was that she got to be the big spoon. Not that he minded. More importantly, Ichigo sensed the approaching Hollows entering Karakura. Too many and too strong to be even close to normal. 'Are those?'
"Aye. They're definitely Menos. Too strong to be anything else. But even Karakura doesn't have enough spirit energy to be worth their time. Why would they be here?"
'Only one way to find out,' Ichigo answered as he carefully extracted himself from his girlfriend's embrace. Proving that even asleep, she could sense what he could, Ikumi sleepily murmured, "Kick their ass, dear."
-[-
Within Soul Society, Aizen hummed contentedly to himself as he watched the 12th Division's instruments measure his little test. The Seireitei's R Institute was currently a klaxon of alarms and lights over the overwhelming power of the Hollows currently attacking Karakura, yet everyone continued working as normal, paying the alarms no mind. Though the instruments accurately reported the multiple Adjuchas he'd sent to attack Karakura, no one in the division could actually see or hear them. As far as the various scientists present were concerned, nothing of interest was occurring in Karakura tonight.
It wasn't the first time Aizen had found himself doing something like this, though it was certainly the boldest and arguably dangerous instance. An occasional Gillian lured into Karakura proved that Kurosaki could handle them with similar ease as any Lieutenant. Naturally, that meant a greater test was necessary. 'Not to mention Captain Soifon's presence,' The traitorous captain thought to himself, 'Getting her to send herself on this mission was even easier than I expected. Either she'll be overwhelmed by the Adjuchas and forced to make Kurosaki a Substitute Shinigami, or she'll attempt to arrest him for breaking one law or another. Either way, my plans will move forward.' Honestly, Soifon reminded Aizen of why he liked so many of the younger Captains and Lieutenants: They were so incredibly predictable and easy to manipulate.
"Well then. Half a dozen Adjuchas versus just Kurosaki, a sealed Captain, and a bunch of humans who couldn't handle a Gillian. What will you do, Kurosaki?" Aizen wondered to himself. "What will you do, Urahara?"
-[-
Soifon cursed herself as she laid facedown on the ground. Sealed or not. Camouflaged Adjuchas or not. Impossibly powerful human who was also a damn Shinigami or not. She shouldn't have allowed herself to be snuck up on. That she had was a horrendous failure on her part, one that filled her with shame and rage. The emotion filling her did wonders to dull the pain that came from being impaled (it was hardly her first impalement anyway) and her powers going out of control due to her damaged Saketsu. Her Hakusui hadn't been hit, thankfully, but the spike through her chest had still managed to hit one of the most vital parts on a Shinigami.
"My, oh my. Look at you, all grown up, little bee," A masculine voice intruded on her spiraling thoughts, the tone utterly nonchalant despite Kurosaki still fighting the last of the Adjuchas. "Last time I saw you, you could only handle a Gillian at best. Yet, here you are, managing four Adjuchas despite still being sealed. And you've grown your hair out too."
Soifon could scarcely believe her ears, certain that she had to be hallucinating. After all, that voice was one she had not heard in over a century, since long before she took over leadership of the 2nd Division and Stealth Forces. Still, she lifted her head as much as she was able. What greeted her eyes was what most would describe as a surprisingly well-groomed stray. But to Soifon, the tiny black cat before her might as well have been the Soul King himself. "L-lady Yoruichi?"
"Come now, I've lost count of the number of times I've told you to just call me Yoruichi," The black cat replied in a voice that sounded like it belonged to a grandfather who was a lifelong smoker. Said cat sat itself down in front of the Shinigami Captain. When Soifon tried to get up, Yoruichi insisted, "Do stay down for now, little bee. A friend of mine will be here momentarily to sort you out."
A shiver of both anger and dread shot through Soifon's spine as she considered who her former idol could be referring to. "You can't mean-"
"Hello there, Soifon. How are we this evening?" Though his clothing was considerably different from last she had seen him, Soifon knew that mocking tone anywhere. She had both her duty and her need for answers from the woman she once worshiped to keep her going, but Soifon nonetheless found herself contemplating just ending it then and there rather than be forced to interact with Urahara again.
-[-
As she had refused to enroll herself in Kurosaki's school, either as a fellow student or as a faculty member, Soifon understood that she'd need a believable reason for why she could pull him out of class at any given time. Which led to her using a public computer at the library to figure out what positions allowed one human to order another around without being questioned. 'A parent is obviously out. I'm blatantly not his mother and Shiba is busy pretending to be ignorant of the spiritual so I can hardly claim to be his new wife. What about military superior? …No, apparently he's too young to enlist. Parole officer? Wait, that'd cause increased scrutiny if he was believed to be a convict.' Suffice to say, her search wasn't going well. Eventually, she stumbled across a likely looking option. 'Hm… no mentions of age or gender restrictions. Gives orders with full expectations that they'll be carried out promptly and without question. And that line about not doing any permanent damage means no one will interfere in the belief that I'm acting untoward with Kurosaki. I think I've found the perfect choice.' Soifon quickly memorized the term along with general expectations then shutdown her computer and left.
-[-
History class was sometimes interesting, Ichigo could concede, but not when they were covering government reforms. Yes, it was important, but nobody genuinely wanted to hear about how the emperor adjusted regional borders. 'I'd take anything that gets me out of class. Even a Hollow or that crazy ninja lady,' He mentally grumbled. Perhaps he was being a bit unfair to Soifon; she did calm down after meeting up with that woman she called Yoruichi. Well, less calmed down and more went from a raging bitch to a blushing fangirl, but good enough for him. Regardless, school was even more boring when he knew there was apparently some century-long conspiracy going on that he had been drawn into. So once again, anything that got him out of class would be good.
As a fan of Shakespeare, Ichigo should have known better than to tempt fate so blatantly. Someone kicked in the classroom door, causing it to impact the wall with a loud Bang! Everyone present jumped in shock to some extent or other. Keigo fell out of his chair with a squawk. Into the room strode the very woman Ichigo had just been thinking about, if looking rather differently than he remembered. Wearing a black leather catsuit that was tantalizingly partially unzipped, a domino mask, and stilettoes was Soifon. Her hair was out of her normal braids and instead styled up into a bun. Finally, she was idly smacking a riding crop against her palm. "Pardon me," She told the teacher, "I am Kurosaki's dominatrix. I require his presence immediately." Without waiting for a response from the dumbstruck teacher, Soifon marched right up to Ichigo, slapped her riding crop down on his desk (prompting more jumps), and demanded, "Come with me, slave!"
As the woman dragged him out of his seat and out of the room by his collar, Ichigo mentally lamented, 'I regret literally every choice I ever made.' All while listening to the snickers and wolf whistles of his classmates.
-[-
As Ichigo sniped yet another Hollow right as it started emerging from a Garganta, Soifon gave a nod of approval. "If nothing else, you're more capable than my lieutenant, Kurosaki." The pair of them were standing atop one of Karakura's skyscrapers, allowing them an unobstructed view of much of the city. Ichigo lowered his arm and allowed the short spear of Reishi in his hand to disperse. "Finding a way to channel Shinigami energies through a Quincy weapon so it purifies souls rather than destroying them is a worthwhile accomplishment."
"Didn't you tell me last week that you wouldn't trust your lieutenant with any plan that involved more than two steps?" Ichigo questioned actually wasn't sure why someone that incompetent would be a second in command. Sure, a lieutenant was the lowest officer rank in human militaries, but it was the third highest in Soul Society. Surely, only the most capable would make it to that level, right? (Unbeknownst to Ichigo, several people in the Seireitei sneezed at that exact moment)
Soifon uncharacteristically sighed. "His father was the previous Lieutenant of my Division and was a highly capable Shinigami and officer. I'd hoped Ōmaeda had inherited his father's competence, but time has proven me wrong. As it is, he's barely competent enough to keep his position, especially as those I would replace him with are needed more in their current positions." Much quieter, she muttered to herself, "Perhaps when Amagai returns from his mission, I could promote him?"
"Nepotism by proxy, got it," Ichigo nodded before asking a question that had been on his mind, "Is there any chance of finishing early tonight? Kaoru is staying with a friend so Ikumi and I were planning on dinner."
His question earned a disdainful scoff. "Putting fornication ahead of your duty? Perhaps I was wrong about your superiority to Ōmaeda."
"Okay, first of all, don't make me think about someone that fat having sex," Ichigo insisted. He had never seen the man but hearing Soifon describe him as wider than she was tall painted a very vivid image, even as short as she was. More importantly though was her disparaging his relationship with Ikumi. "Secondly, what Ikumi and I have is more than sex. Even if the sex is amazing, it's spending time with her that matters."
Soifon stared out at the afternoon sky, in part so Ichigo didn't see her roll her eyes. She had an image to maintain. "Very well, if you must, you can go waste your time with your woman. Those comrades of yours seem to be capable of handling most weak Hollows anyway, it seems."
Though Ichigo wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he was one to taunt it. "Thanks, Soifon. Maybe you can use your free time to ask Yoruichi to let you brush her fur!" He called out as he vanished off the building with a Sonido, thus missing Soifon flushing in both outrage and embarrassment.
-[-
"The competition is simple. Once this bait is destroyed, it will draw dozens of Hollows to Karakura. Whoever slays the most Hollows, wins." Uryū felt rather proud of himself. While the competition was simplistic, a hothead like Kurosaki wouldn't allow such a challenge to go unanswered. And if he tried to refuse, Uryū would break the bait anyway and Kurosaki would be forced to participate.
At least, that was the plan. But much like everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face, everyone has a plan until they're slammed face first into a brick wall. From Uryū's perspective, Soifon came out of nowhere as she tackled him knee first from behind. Uryū's face slammed into one of the low brick walls bordering the side street they had been conversing on, breaking his glasses and his nose. An instant later, a small hand twisted his arm as a foot planted itself against his shoulder blade. Uryū was forced to release the Hollow bait as his arm was dislocated, causing him to shout in agony.
Ichigo's startled shout of, "What the hell, Soifon?!" went ignored by the woman as she quickly and efficiently searched Uryū's pockets. Once she was certain there was nothing of interest, she snatched Uryū's Quincy cross off him and flicked the Hollow bait into Ichigo's gaping mouth. While he was choking on the tablet he accidentally swallowed, Soifon broke the Quincy cross in her hands. "Damnit, what the hell are you doing, you angry ninja midget?!" Ichigo yelled once he managed to clear his airway, a sentiment Uryū would have agreed with had he not been knocked unconscious.
"Dealing with a criminal and disposing of a dangerous substance, Kurosaki," Was her curt reply. "The second-best method for disposing of Hollow bait is to have it destroyed inside a vessel containing enough spirit energy to drown it out. Sadly, the best requires a Kidō which I'm still unable to utilize and you don't know how to cast. And without his cross, Ishida will be unable to use his bow, meaning he won't continue exterminating souls."
"Right, I'm glad you prevented that idiocy, but maybe warn me next time?"
The young Captain proved Ichigo was having an influence on her by snarking back, "Next time I plan to dump illegal substances down your throat, I'll let you know."
-[-
Later that night, Ichigo was engaging in one of his favorite activities with his lover. The pair of them were laying together on the couch, naked under a thin blanket, and cuddled up together. Laying on top of Ichigo, Ikumi murmured into his neck, "Hey, Ichigo? That little girl, the one who claimed to be your dom, she messed up that Ishida kid, right?"
Ichigo stirred from his half-asleep state. "Yeah. Pretty sure she'd have done less damage hitting him with a car." He replied distractedly, "Why?"
"I should do something nice for her. We don't need more Hollows around here."
"Get her some catnip."
That caused Ikumi to prop herself up so she could look at her boyfriend properly. "Catnip? Is she some kind of crazy cat lady?"
"Eh, kinda?" Was the rather unhelpful reply, which earned a light smack to his chest. "She outright worships her former boss who spends most of her time as a cat. So… catnip."
The ravenette took a deep breath through her nose. "Ichigo, I'm saying this as a woman who's dating and screwing a man half her age: This Shinigami business is really fucked up." Ichigo didn't answer, merely staring at her intensely. Once the silence stretched long enough to become awkward, she demanded, "What? Do I have something on my face?" Ikumi brushed her fingers down one side of her face then the other, hoping she hadn't drooled again.
"Have I told you how beautiful you look with your hair down lately?" Ichigo asked, his voice filled with sincerity and warmth.
Ikumi's expression melted into a fond, loving smile. "Not in the last hour dear," She murmured before leaning forward to give him a quick peck on the lips. "Please, tell me more."
The pair were soon lost in each other's embrace for the rest of the night.
-[-
Ichigo was starting to get annoyed. Literally anyone else would be happy that someone was saving their life, even if they didn't like the person in question. While he and Soifon certainly weren't friends by any definition of the word, she respected and acknowledged his abilities, which was apparently as friendly as she got with anyone whose family name wasn't Shihōin. So it'd be nice if she'd stop struggling so much! "I said, let me go, Kurosaki!" Soifon shouted as she tried to choke him out with her legs. Unfortunately for her, not only was she in a poor position to do so, but nearly a month surrounded by Sekkiseki left her far too weak to do more than mildly inconvenience Ichigo. "The law is to be upheld and orders followed! I was sentenced to execution; therefore I am to be executed!"
Finally fed up, Ichigo held Soifon a little higher so he could smash his forehead into her face. "Shut up! I said I'm saving your flat tsundere ass, so I'm saving it! You can just sulk in the corner like the brat you are and grumble about how 'It's not like I wanted you to save me, b-baka.' all you want but stop getting in the way! I've got an entire city full of assholes to beat, starting with this midget, and no time to deal with your tantrum!"
Said midget felt his eyebrows twitch in annoyance. "Midget?" Captain Hitsugaya demanded in a frosty tone. He'd expected quite a few things when he sensed an intruder at the Senzaikyū. But he certainly hadn't expected such nonsense or such insolence.
"Wait your turn, Discount Vergil," Ichigo stated dismissively before turning back to a still struggling Soifon. "And as for you! …Yoruichi said if we all get out of this, she'll sit on your face."
Ichigo swore he didn't blink, yet Soifon vanished from his senses anyway. An instant later, he heard the (probably too familiar) sound of a body falling to the ground behind him. Once he turned around, he found Soifon standing behind an unconscious Tōshirō. "What are you waiting for, Kurosaki? Your comrades won't find themselves!" Suddenly, Ichigo found himself struggling to keep up with the petite woman as she ran off to fulfill his mission for him.
-[-
I Used the Canon to Destroy the Canon
Grand Fisher had just leapt out of the human-made river, eager to devour the first part of his next meal, when the main course suddenly erupted with spirit energy. The amount of power the woman was putting out was far beyond what he'd sensed the one time he accidentally found himself a little too close to an Adjuchas. A bow formed in her hands at the same time that Grand Fisher decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Or more accurately, screw eating, he wanted to live!
So focused was he on escaping into a Garganta as fast as possible that Grand Fisher never noticed the beams of light from the sky striking both of his intended victims, Masaki's bow evaporating before she could fire a single shot. "What?" Masaki stared into the sky where the beams had originated as what happened clicked. "Yhwach!" Clearly, the old prophecy about his return was true. But she had more immediate concerns, "Ichigo! Are you alright?! You scared me!" She ran to embrace her son who had innocently tried to help what he believed to be a young girl.
It would be years before the ramifications of today made themselves known to anyone.
-[-
"Breakfast is ready!" Masaki called out as she finished serving food for her family of six. Everyone was quickly seated at the table, none of them wanting to miss out on Masaki's cooking. While everyone ate, offering compliments on her cooking, the brunette woman smiled happily. Seeing her family eating together was one of her favorite activities, especially since it let her indulge in another of her favorite activities: Teasing her children. "Do eat up, you two. I know how exhausting your nights must be," She insisted in a faux-helpful voice.
"MOM!" Four voices called out at once, Isshin too busy choking on his breakfast to say anything, only for three of them to all turn to the source of the fourth. Rukia blushed fiercely at her slip and immediately focused on her breakfast, lifting her bowl to her mouth in an attempt to hide behind it. She'd never known her mother but she'd be damned if Ichigo's didn't perfectly embody what she felt a mom should be, possibly even more than Captain Unohana the few times she'd seen the woman. Not helping matters is that Ichigo did bear a strong resemblance to his cousin, whom she'd had more than a small crush on. She'd be lying if she said she never thought about the Kurosakis actually becoming her family one way or another.
Ichigo was the only one to pick up where they'd left off, "You know that's not what we're doing. I'm busy purifying Hollows."
But his explanation was merely waved off cheerfully. "Oh, I know you're not doing that here. I'm the one doing the laundry after all. I just hope you bring more protection than your Zanpakutō with you while you two are running around town. As excited as I am about the idea, I'm still rather young for grandchildren." Isshin, having just cleared his airway, promptly started choking again.
-[-
Awakening his own Shinigami powers, Ichigo was learning, was far harder and more painful than being given someone else's. Given that the latter involves being stabbed through the chest, Ichigo felt that was worth noting. At the bottom of the Shattered Shaft, his Chain of Fate was currently eating itself as white fluid poured out of his orifices and started forming a bony mask. He was out of time. The encroachment had reached its final stages and he had at best mere minutes before he became a Hollow.
Shortly before the gnawing mouths reached the base of the chain, Ichigo passed out. When he woke up, he was standing on a skyscraper. Correction: He was standing on the side of a skyscraper. Seeing the ground below/in front of him, Ichigo threw himself backwards against the glass window behind him. He only had a second or two to wonder why it felt like he was laying down when a new voice called out, "You look like a complete dumbass right now. I hope ya know that."
Ichigo looked to the side and saw… himself, standing casually on the side of the building as though it were the ground. Or rather, a washed-out version of himself. The newcomer looked like Ichigo did in his Shinigami clothing if he was completely white, except for his eyes, which were a bright yellow with black sclera. "We ain't got time for ya to be laying around," When he spoke, his voice had an odd reverb. "You either get yer damn powers in the next minute or so or I get control."
"Wait, who are you?! Where am I?!" Ichigo demanded.
"I just said we ain't got time for this, dumbass," The doppelganger scoffed. "Yer inner world is starting to come apart at the seams." Sure enough, the other buildings around them were starting to break apart and collapse.
-[-
Back in the real world, Kisuke's young helper Jinta peered over the edge of the Shattered Shaft and into the depths below. "You think Strawberry's gonna make it?" He asked. Personally, he didn't much care either way. The only real change for him would be killing the Hollow the would-be Shinigami transformed into if he failed.
Kisuke idly hid his mouth behind a fan as he replied, "Oh, I'm certain of it. Ichigo's more than a little special." Also, the boy was one of his pocket aces for the coming conflict, so he was banking rather heavily on his survival.
"He's special alright, the kind that wears a helmet every day. Did you see him try to run up the wall yesterday?" Jinta retorted.
Any more conversation was cut off by an incredible explosion of power, far FAR more than Urahara ever theorized Ichigo might be capable of. Enough that he quickly grabbed both the kids and threw them behind him. With one hand, he raised up his sealed Zanpakutō, which he released with a thought and declared, "Sing!" A crimson hexagonal shield appeared in front of him, but he wasn't finished. With his left hand, Kisuke gestured and called, "Bakudō #81, Dankū." An even larger transparent barrier formed in front of the first just before the eruption of power hit them.
Rocks and dust flew everywhere as Urahara heard his Kidō barrier shatter. A worrying cracking sound came from his Blood Mist Shield, but thankfully, the massive amount of spirit energy died down before it could shatter completely. Once the view had fully cleared, Urahara and his assistants could see that nearly half his shield had eroded while the rest was covered in a spiderweb of cracks. The Shattered Shaft was now an immense crater and at the bottom of it stood Ichigo, an unmistakable Hollow mask adorned with a series of red stripes on one side covering his face, a solid black blade like an oversized Khyber knife with a hollow in the middle of the blade in his right hand, and an unconscious Tessai slung over his left shoulder.
Despite his shock, Kisuke merely gave an amused chuckle, "My, my. You sure have a way of exceeding expectations, don't you, Ichigo?"
-[-
"Shoot to kill, Shinso!" Gin declared as he aimed his Zanpakutō at the gatekeeper and Aizen's pet project. The kid was stronger than they had expected, but Gin supposed little variables like that happen when you operate in the real world rather than a laboratory. It's why his own plan was so flexible; so long as Aizen died, preferably screaming, then the steps to get there would be whatever he needed. More importantly, Gin figured he'd cut off Jidanbo's arm then simply drive off the Kurosaki kid and his friends. He was certain Urahara had some other plans for them to get in; someone that Aizen viewed as a serious opponent could hardly have planned on them just waltzing in the front door.
Yet, contrary to his expectations, Shinso didn't cut off Jidanbo's arm. Or even make contact, for that matter. Instead, Kurosaki simply appeared in front of his advancing Shikai and grabbed it with one hand. A tightening of Kurosaki's fist shattered the end of Shinso's blade. 'Perhaps Aizen miscalculated slightly,' Gin mused, even his own thoughts not giving away his slowly growing panic. Kurosaki was expected to be somewhere between a 4th Seat and a Lieutenant in power and grow during his trials within Soul Society, not casually block an attack from a Captain. Then Kurosaki was suddenly inside his guard, his Zanpakutō in hand and already swinging towards him. 'Perhaps more than slightly.'
-[-
Gin was less surprised that he woke up in the intensive care ward feeling like he had fought Yamamoto and Kenpachi simultaneously and more surprised that he woke up at all. 'What was it Aizen once said? It's difficult to step on an ant without crushing it? Seems like Kurosaki figured out how to do it.' He chuckled at the thought then immediately regretted it as his pain doubled from the movement. Damn, everything hurt. His bones hurt, his eyes hurt, even his udon hurt. 'Wait, that's not a body part. Add severe concussion to my list of injuries, Heal Mommy.'
"I can assure you, it's already on your chart, Captain Ichimaru," Unohana's voice replied from out of his line of sight. Oh, apparently he had said that out loud. He was just going to pretend that never happened and trust the wonderful and beautiful Captain Unohana's professionalism to do the same. "Flattery will get you nowhere, but you're neither the first nor last to refer to me as such. Now, if you're feeling up to it, Captain Aizen wishes to have a word with you."
"Might as well," Gin offered.
Aizen's first words once Unohana had left to check on her other patients made something snap a little inside Gin. "I take it Kurosaki was stronger than anticipated? I suppose it was a calculated risk."
"Too bad you fucking suck at math," Gin retorted. The snake-like Captain decided he'd fully accept the agony of a shard of his rib stabbing into his lung when he raised his voice, if only because the first part of the resulting bloody coughing fit caught Aizen in the face.
-[-
"You might have gotten stronger, Kurosaki! But I'm far beyond what I was back in the Living World!" Renji boasted. He had known exactly where the Substitute Shinigami was headed and thus was in the perfect spot to intercept him. That he should have notified others didn't cross his mind. Instead, all Renji could think of was how he wanted to make the man before him pay for causing Rukia to be executed before he could even confess to her. Naturally, Renji was also ignoring that he'd known Rukia for over a century and never once even attempted to do so. Regardless of his actions and mental state, the lieutenant wasn't merely bragging. Beyond being five times stronger due to his lack of Limiter, he had also finally attained a strength he'd sought for years now. "This is the end for you! Bankai!"
Renji held his Shikai high as a cloud of dust engulfed him. Out of the dust rose a serpent's skull nearly as large as either of the two combatants, a red mane of fur around its neck. After several seconds, the cloud dispersed entirely, revealing Renji holding a handle of bone attached to a giant skeletal snake, a spiky protrusion on each segment. A cowl of green fur adorned Renji's shoulders with an ape's skull decorating his left shoulder. "Hihiō Zabimaru," Renji declared as the serpentine skull hissed at Ichigo. "You might have obtained Shikai, but Bankai takes a decade of dedicated training and makes its wielder ten times as strong as before. It's just your bad luck that I was days away from completing my training when we met. Now, I'm fifty times stronger than I was the last time we fought!"
"Bankai, huh?" Ichigo replied, looking completely unconcerned. As he stood across the courtyard from Renji, Zangetsu rested easily on his shoulder. "You're right, I don't have anything like that yet. Still, if it took you a decade to get Bankai, I should manage it in a week."
Renji gritted his teeth in outrage at the teen's audacity. "There's a limit to how arrogant you can be!" He roared as he sent Hihiō Zabimaru surging forward. Renji felt a rush of excitement; it was his first time using his new Bankai in battle after all. And to be using it against the man he currently hated the most seemed outright poetic. The serpent moved almost faster than Renji could track, its mouth open wide to catch Kurosaki in its jaws. Despite his imminent death rushing towards him, the teen didn't even try to dodge or bring his Zanpakutō up to block. 'A rookie mistake. Shame he'll never get to learn from it,' Renji internally sneered.
The head of Hihiō Zabimaru struck Ichigo directly… and came to an immediate and complete stop. However, the rest of the body didn't, resulting in it crumpling as it failed to react in time to prevent it. In front of the Bankai, left hand on its snout and unmovable as though he was anchored in place, Ichigo gripped Zangetsu a little tighter. "Sorry Renji," Ichigo insincerely apologized, "I don't have time for you." He swung Zangetsu downward. The blade parted Hihiō Zabimaru's skull like air. Then the shockwave of Ichigo's swing struck. The air pressure alone from his attack traveled down the length of Renji's Bankai, first splitting, then shattering each and every segment as it passed.
When the attack, such as it was, ended, Renji was left holding nothing but the broken handle of his obliterated Bankai… in a hand that was no longer attached to his body. Renji's right hand laid on the ground, severed diagonally starting at his wrist and traveling halfway up his forearm. It took the redhead several seconds to even realize what happened before the pain struck. He shouted in pain only briefly before tearing off his sleeve and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. Renji gritted his teeth in both agony and anger as he looked up to where Ichigo stood, only to find the teen mere inches away. "Like I said, I don't have time for you." A strike to his head, faster than he could perceive, took him out of the fight entirely as he was knocked unconscious.
When he awoke, Renji would find himself in a cell for disobeying orders and the realization his Bankai was gone for good after only a single "fight."
-[-
AN: Yes, the title is a dumb joke about how vinegar is the other primary household cleaning chemical.
So here we have a vaguely Thunderous Souls style idea where a sealed Soifon was sent to investigate things rather than a redheaded Rangiku and an idea where the series own logic fucks over the plot. Why is Ichigo dating Ikumi? Well, besides being incredibly hot and badass for someone with no powers, Ikumi is one of the few adults who legit tried to help Ichigo with his problems and teach him to rely on adults. Granted, she's in the wrong genre for that (If you're in a shonen and know how to file your taxes or how to shave, you ain't accomplishing shit) but she made the attempt and I appreciate that. So she's a rarepair that I'm fond of. Soifon is… well she's a fucking bitch, let's be honest. I doubt she'll ever see Ichigo in this as more than a "Reliable colleague", but I don't think she sees anyone except Yoruichi and Yūshirō as more than that. All of the named members of Ichigo's class, along with his sisters, have gained powers because of him. They're not strong enough to go fighting Arrancar and such, but they're enough that Ichigo doesn't have to bother with anything that isn't at least a Gillian.
Second snippet/oneshot is as the title says: Me using canon rules/revelations to destroy the canon story. For example, in canon, there's zero explanation for why Yhwach didn't steal Ichigo's powers when he stole his mother's. Some people claim "Oh, if he did that, he'd have gotten the Hollow powers and died!" Except he steals them later no problem. Likewise, there's never an explanation for why Yhwach couldn't steal Uryū's, even he doesn't know. Of course the REAL reason for that is that Kubo admitted he didn't have the idea for the Quincy army and TYBW until the end of the Soul Society Arc, at which point he'd already established Uryū was still a Quincy so had to come up with something. But best he managed was a "No one has any clue why". Regardless, no "Old Man Zangetsu" means Ichigo gets his full power from the moment he accesses his own Shinigami powers, which also means he doesn't have the second blade of his Shikai since that was the manifestation of his Quincy powers. And since Grand Fisher runs from fights he knows he can't win, Masaki lived as he was already halfway to Las Noches by the time her powers vanished. So, barring Masaki being alive, the story is functionally canon up until Ichigo awakens his own Shinigami powers (because he was still using Rukia's when he faced Renji and Byakuya the first time).
Why did Renji have Bankai when he didn't yet in canon and why is it Hihiō Zabimaru rather than Soo Zabimaru? In order, because this Renji actually prepared to face Ichigo again and was only days away from getting Bankai so he had plenty of time in the last few weeks, and because Renji is still canon Renji and Zabimaru doesn't respect him. And now Hihiō Zabimaru is gone forever because, just like canon, it was completely and utterly destroyed the first time it was used (chapter 143, page 7). But unlike Kubo, I won't pretend that didn't happen while declaring that any damage a Bankai takes is permanent (chapter 516, page 7).
Anywho, obviously Ichigo would face basically no serious opposition (outside the four eldest Captains) before Yhwach since, by Ghost Hitler's own words, Ichigo's end of series power is "The power he should have always had". So Yamamoto in Bankai, Ichibē, and Yhwach are the ones who could give him trouble in a straight fight and anyone else who could would be because of their particular skills/powers.