Chapter 7

What Do We Owe Each Other?

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Background: An alternative story in Stars Hollow as continuation of my story 'Love the way you lie'. Rory is coping with the consequences of learning she was molested as a child and findind a new path. Lane is torn between her Korean heritage, her dreams of being a drummer and the loss of her father, while living without grownups for a first time. Abigail (Jess' NY ex who is friends with him and Rory as per my previous story) is tending wounds from her past and adjusting to life in the small city. Couples now and/or eventually Rory/Jess, Lane/Tristan, Abigail/Zack, mentions of Lorelai/Luke

The story will switch between the points of view of the three main girls.

Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering

1.

Once it was clear Abi was going to get better, with some more rest and medication, Rory and Jess had driven back to Stars Hollow. Zach and Abi were going to stay in Rory's room at her grandparents for the next 3 days- until she was able to come back safely without risking her health. They were promised regular updates, and instructed to go back to their regular school days in the meantime- her grandparents still didn't know much of the last weeks. The longer time passed, the more she didn't know how to tell them anything. Right now, she wasn't worried about that. She was more worried about Abi, second only to her worry about the fight she'd had with Jess. They had said so much they couldn't take back. He had apologized, but the words still hung in the silence between them as he drove back. She wished she had said nothing- nothing from their fight, and nothing after. Right now, Lane was working and building a new life, Abi was recovering from something horrific that happened NOW, and ... there was nothing she wanted to get into, not Derek, not school, not therapy.

She must've looked worried because at some point, he squeezed her fingers resting on her knee in quiet reassurance.

They hugged quietly entering Lane and Zach's house. Zach had asked them to go back and make sure to update Lane and Brian. Lane was at work for a few more hours, and Brian was still at school, dealing with some group project. They cuddled on the couch, still saying nothing. At some point, their lips quietly found each other, their hands intertwined and they kissed. Wrapped in each other, they made love. Quietly, gently, leisurely, lovingly, clinging to each other in the afternoon. It was more of a way to show each other how much they felt for each without the fighting, without the words, like they were afraid of saying more. This time, she wasn't afraid, and there were no other memories. She felt sad, but that had to do with them fighting. Being together on the other hand- that was becoming curiously easier. Any other day she'd be curious. Now that there was no pain or fear, what was she missing, what haven't they tried? But now wasn't the moment. Now they just craved the closeness and warmth of each other, in the light of the heaviness of the last days. Afterwards he'd kissed her forehead and told her he loved her, but there was a crease of worry on his forehead that she pushed herself to ignore. They fell asleep intertwined in each other on one of the beds- the same one they slept the previous night.

When she woke an hour later, he was still asleep. She decided to leave him a note and go for a run to gather her thoughts.

Her feet hit the pavement and thumped in a steady rhythm through the Star's Hollow streets, calming her heart. She moved through the familiar streets, listening to the beat of her music at first. No thoughts, just music and her sneakers hitting the pavement over and over. Now the habit had become effortless like breathing. She did her usual route, passing by Dean's house- something she did sporadically lately. From outside someone would think she's a masochist; she thought of it as practical. Although in full honesty she wasn't quite clear on all the reasons. She just knew she had to do so. Partly, to reassure herself that the fading, yet disturbing memories that kept haunting her weren't a part of her imagination. Partly, to reassure herself over and over- he was gone, and therefore, she was safe. Simple. It worked too. Usually her heart sped up on the way there, contracting in momentary panic. Then she'd see the empty house, assure herself nothing had changed, and then it would soothe the panic and she'd feel okay again. Relieved to assure herself it was over.

Her lungs filled with air and then ejected it over and over as she was speeding up. She'd never been an athlete, but in an effort to run away from her problems, she'd developed good speed and leaner muscles. Slowly, her daily runs had become more relaxing and enjoyable. Her eyes stopped on the 2-story house she knew to heart, and her feet came to a screeching halt, meeting Dean's dark grey eyes in the late afternoon fog. Her heart twisted and sped up helplessly, refusing to believe what she was seeing. After so many terrible flashbacks, this must be some kind of play of her imagination a terrible mistake of- Except why now? She was staring without breathing.

He stopped moving boxes in the house, abandoning the one he was holding on the lawn and taking brisk steps towards her.

Do I move, do I move, do I- she couldn't finish her thought as he reached about a foot from her, his shadow covering her. Close enough for his aftershave to invade her senses, making her dizzy, but she stood her ground. She tried to breathe evenly, images mixing and matching in her mind like an old abandoned movie. The two of them together, him giving her the bracelet that started everything, dinners, movies, kisses, shared secrets in warm summer evenings, and then- falling back in her own bed, suffocating from his weight. Him, keeping her in place in Lane's room, whispering as his heavy aftershave hit her nose. Calling her a liar and a tease and cheater and all those awful things. Waking up, with his hand covering her mouth to stop her from screaming when he'd returned to her room after. She knew no one was just good or evil; life wasn't so simple.

And yet- he was closer, and she wanted to run, and that was the bottom line. It was always going to be the bottom line. Some things you can't erase. Simple.

2.

She tried to keep her face relaxed, and her breaths even. It was easier now, and from the outside she could fake being calm unless the person knew her well. Did he still know her well? She wasn't sure. Weirdly, it was soon going to be 9 months since it happened. It felt like a weird dream, almost. But what her mind could forget, her body never did. Her reaction to him being close was instant and sharp in her chest, in her stomach, in her limbs. Better than before didn't really equal good, not by a long shot. Except, now there was anger too, twisting in her chest in heavy waves fighting to get out and take revenge. She rose her eyes towards him, squinting in effort to appear questioning, not afraid. Angry rather than weak. Slow and steady.

'Why are you back? We had an understanding?' Her voice was even, but dry and cracking in her dry mouth. She swallowed. Slow and steady. The image of Abi came into her head, bruised and bleeding and waiting on Lane's porch, saying 'he came back'. It was irrational fear and she wasn't sure why it was in her head. Dean had been aggressive, but most of his actions didn't leave the same marks that Abi's abuser had. Still, not every scar left visible marks. And this wasn't a contest. He'd taken from her, he'd taken things she couldn't take back, some things not ever, some things for a long time. Being able to sleep with Jess- hell, even to kiss him, it had taken so long, so much trust, so much panic, so many talks. A part of her unreasonably thought, without Dean she wouldn't have remembered about her unkle. She hated him for it. So many moments she'd never get a do-over of. She concentrated on staying present and willing herself not to back away. She couldn't keep running forever and this wasn't a story where the darkness just disappears from your life in a neat little package. He wasn't a nameless monster, just a person. Life wasn't like that.

'I came back for you.' He said simply, and now she backed up one step as he tried coming closer. The noise in her ears expaneded. 'NOT like that.' He sighed, almost annoyed as if that should have been clear at once. As if she was the irrational one. The anger pinged in a painful jolt in her chest. 'I need to talk to you. Please.'

'I owe you nothing.' Rory managed in a cracking voice full of poison.

'You don't. But I need your help, your advice. For me and mostly for my sister. You liked my sister.'

'I do like your sister. But this isn't my responsibility. Ask someone else. Anyone else.'

'There is no one else. You know there is no one else.'

She stared, unsettled, the truth hitting hard in her chest. Was she supposed to believe that? Why was this her problem? But the unsettling twinge in her chest settled in her stomach, leaving her lungs empty and expanding painfully. They were still alone in the low summer twilight on his street and he wasn't going to see her fall apart again, if it was the last thing she did. A migraine clamped in like steel around her forehead. All her energy was concentrated on monitoring his movements, ready to bolt. Then an unpleasant idea appeared and settled under her ribs, refusing to go away.

'Please Rory. I'm trying to do better. I don't want to-' He was breathing heavily, trying to retain anger at bay. She knew how to read him still. Her eyes darted over his face.

Her heart beat so fast it almost hurt her chest. What do I ask? What do I do? What do I need to ask?

'Is it your dad?' She managed, but her even voice was faltering.

'Some of it.'

'I don't understand-' She managed, flustered. She didn't know how long she could do this. Stupid, stupid, stupid...go, just go, stop talking, just GO! She couldn't. His body was rigid, his hands locking in fists that he was opening and closing. She didn't think he even realized that.

'Sometimes she just drives me crazy when we fight. And I don't know if I can control- I thought you were ridiculous, I thought I was in control, but- Please, Rory, one proper conversation-'

He was pleading. Her throat was dry and painful at the realization of what he wasn't saying. She just needed to ask-

'What have you DONE?'

'Nothing, nothing, I swear, but-' he didn't need to say it. He was afraid of what he might do. It was all over the contained anger and fear, and the pleading.

She wanted to just leave and not look back, but she couldn't. Maybe he was trying to manipulate her. Could she take that chance? What if she was the only one who knew about this and she didn't stop it? Could she live with walking away then? She was paranoid and scared, but she wasn't sure if she could take the chance of being wrong. She'd dreamed someone had helped her many times. She'd wished so badly her mom had called earlier that night, or Paris had stayed. For someone, anyone, to have been there on time. Could she take the chance of being wrong about this? She'd wondered before, at first, she'd wondered if there was a chance of him still being a decent person. Not for her, but for the people around him. Now he was asking for that help and she just selfishly wanted to pretend she hadn't seen him and just leave.

'Rory?'

She'd paused for too long. She nodded sharply. 'Fine. Ok.'

He took a step closer, maybe to hug her, and she shifted swiftly. 'No.'

He shrugged, trying to keep the uninterested look on his face. Like it wasn't a betrayal.'Ok. Fine.'

'I have to go.'

'You'll call? Please?' He insisted and his fingers curled in fists again. F*cking making him beg, like- Calm, Dean. You knew it wouldn't be easy. She said yes.

Rory nodded. 'I have to go now.' She pleaded in a quieter voice. 'I have to go now, please.' He finally moved out of her path, and she bolted into a steady run, pushing her thoughts and feelings down. Just run. Just keep fu*king running.

3.

When she entered the house, red, flustered and out of breath, Jess was on the couch watching TV. He was saying something in greeting, or asking a question, but there wasn't enough breath in her to pay attention. Everything was speeding past her and she couldn't-

'Give me a moment, I have to shower. I went for a run. I need a shower.' She managed, and bolted for the bathroom, forgetting it wasn't even her bathroom and she had none of her things with her. She locked the door behind her, a moment before Jess got there.

'Rory? Are you okay?'

'Yes.' Her voice sounded fake to her. She looked around. Thankfully, there was a shelf with clean towels rolled up on it.

'Are you sure? Love?' She could imagine him, hands pressed on the door, worry on his face. She couldn't respond, her chest heaving uselessly. She couldn't digest what had just happened. She tried answering and no sound came out. She wanted to scream and nothing came out. 'Love? You're worrying me.'

She leaned on the wall behind her, trying to remove the stars blocking her vision. She concentrated on her breath, and put the water on with one hand, closing her eyes. She heard his steps go further from the door finally, and continued breathing until the numbness and the stars receded and she was able to move again. She peeled the clothes off her body, and moved under the hot water. She let the hot water beat over her body until she was able to feel something again. Her thoughts were dizzying. Between Abi and Lane and the fight and school, this wasn't- she didn't have time- but she couldn't risk-...How long can she wait before she needed to see him? How long before he actually did anything? How long before she wasn't the only one he hurt? She didn't know, couldn't think about it. He stomach was turning in protest. And what the hell could she say to anyone that would make sense? Everyone that cared about her would want to hurt him, rightfully so. They'd think he's lying and manipulating her, but what if he wasn't? How could she afford to risk someone else's safety?

What do I do now, what do I do now, what -

Dear God, what do I DO now?

She sat on the wet tile floor, resting against the wall. The hot water kept pouring over her. She knew she couldn't stay indefinitely, and if she could hide this from everyone else- Jess saw her face when she came back.

What DO I DO NOW?

Eventually, she peeled her body off the floor. The fight they had this morning seemed a million years ago. She knew this would be a fight too, and she couldn't deal with this. Not right now. She dressed slowly, and went back in the living room. He was at the kitchen counter, waiting. She sighed, expecting the storm of questions, but he set the mug he was holding on the counter quietly. There was one more there, steam rising and filling the air with the smell of hot chocolate. He took a step towards her and wrapped her in a hug with both arms. She felt few knots of stress in her body dissolve in his embrace and she finally started to feel the gravity of what happened, what could have happened... A shudder went through her. He kept hugging her steadily. She didn't feel like she could say anything, just let him be there.

When he finally let go, he handed her the mug, and she sipped gratefully.

He kissed her shoulder quietly. It felt lovely and comforting. For a moment, no one said anything. Finally, when it was clear she wasn't going to, he asked.

'Love, what happened?'

Her heart was beating so hard she was afraid it was going to stop. She felt dizzy and sick. She just wanted to forget, for a moment, for a second, just until she could figure out what the hell to do. It was too much, all this right now, it was too much, and she couldn't think. Dear God, what do I DO now?