Allison flopped back on the living room couch.
"You okay babe," Asher asked.
"That was a long night," Allison admitted, it was 7 am on a saturday and she had just finished a 24 hour shift.
"What happened," Asher asked.
"Two major traumas and in between i was with Leo and Theresa in the NICU," Allison replied, "now I need to pump but I have to wash and sterilise all the parts."
"You can't do it all for them," Asher said pulling her into his arms, "stay here. Breathe take half an hour then go pump."
"I need to now," Allison said, "or to feed Carly. Ash she's seven months and I'm still getting engorged like a I'm only a couple weeks post partum. I'm still soaking through 4 or 5 sets of nursing pads at work on long shifts."
"Half an hour," Asher said, "when miss sleepy head wakes up. If you stopped pumping so much."
"Then I'm in pain," Allison said, "it's not forever."
"She's doing well with solids," Asher said.
"They all seem to take to them easily," Allison said, she sighed.
"You're exhausted," Asher said.
Allison snuggled closer to him, "I have the kids today. Ev is at a sleep over then goes to swimming with Aubrey. Andy is at my sisters I'll pick him up in a couple hours. You're going to study?"
"I did last night," Asher said, "we're going to spend some time together. We never get down time together to just talk. I think we had more down time in med school."
"Between a fellowship and you going back to school with three kids," Allison sighed, "but not much longer."
"Couple years then were settled and free," Asher said.
"Tonight we're both home," Allison said snuggling closer, "put the little two to bed early. Retreat to our room?"
"Everly," Asher asked.
"Her room," Allison said, "we need time the two of us. But she's been onto us lately."
"She has," Asher questioned.
"There's lots of talk with her friends," Allison replied, "she's at the age she has a lot of questions. I'm giving her facts. I won't tell her it's wrong but have been talking about protection and making sure she's in a relationship first."
"If we had been in a relationship in high school," Asher asked, "before that night?"
"My mom probably would have forced some sort of birth control," Allison answered, "I would with Ev. If she starts dating someone I'll insist. She's old enough, it's safe."
"And we can't support a second family like your parents did," Asher said.
"We'll help how we can but no," Allison agreed, "not for Ev. My parents were 46 and 43 when I was born and had worked along time. They helped all three of us through med school. I'm not sure how well help Ev with college."
"There's the fund we've put money away in since you started your residency and your parents and sister put money in from the time she was born," Asher said.
"And some of the money from nana," Allison added, "we can help with a bachelors. Which is all my parents helped with Leo and my tuition. I had scholarships for med school and that loan. The army paid for Leo's."
"Annie," Asher questioned.
"Never tuition," Allison answered, "food, rent maybe, clothes sometimes or her books. Annie did med school on scholarships and loans like I did."
Asher nodded, "one degree is fair if we do it for all three."
"One program," Allison agreed, "bachelors or trade. We'll get them through the first one."
"We will," he assured, "and they can stay local and live at home."
"If they want to live on campus or go out of town they pay rent," Allison declared.
"Fair," Asher smiled, "from the one whose parents would have paid it."
"Yes but I didn't understand the value of money and working for what we wanted and prioritizing until Ev because I didn't have to," Allison said.
"I'm worried our little two have so much more than Ev did at their ages," Asher said, "what if she's jealous?"
"I'm sure she doesn't remember much before kindergarten," Allison replied, "and she never went without. And once we had more money she started getting nicer things and more name brand. Before Andy was born."
"We thrift shopped for her little kid clothes," Asher said.
"I still do second hand for Andy and Carly's play clothes," Allison answered, "what do you think once upon a child is. It's higher end but I'm not buying new for it to be destroyed at daycare."
"It's okay," Asher said, "I feel bad Ev got so much one on one time and still needs that extra time most teens don't. Carly and Andy don't get that one on one time with us."
"Now," Allison said, "it could change when Ev goes to college."
"Do we parentify Ev," Allison asked, "I wouldn't know you were the one who was."
"No," Asher assured, "we're really good about letting her be a kid. I asked her to keep an eye on Carly last night so I could give Andy his bath."
"When you were at school wednesday I had her clean the kitchen so I could do bed time with Andy and Carly," Allison said.
"Clean the kitchen is very normal teenager stuff," Asher said, "you two seem to be in a power struggle about laundry."
"She's mad I do Andy and Carly's but not hers," Allison replied, "I started doing mine at 12. She's 15. She can do her own laundry."
"She can," Asher agreed, "I was 10. That's normal."
"I want to find that sweet spot," Allison said, "they need responsibility but not too much."
"I had too much," Asher said, "and it's what made me push the boundaries."
"We both were," Allison said looking up at him.
"Do you regret it," Asher asked.
"You and the kid no," Allison answered, "how much we struggled yes. How much I put you and Ev through for my dreams. Do you?"
"I wish we had been a bit more stable," Asher agreed.
Recently Allison had wondered what it would be like to kiss someone else. She never would but since Carly their physical relationship was stale, practised and lacked passion. She didn't know how to fix it. They had never been the most passionate couple she didn't totally understand what her work friends meant about needing to sneak away, or the secret codes they had sent each other to meet in on call rooms. She worried he would keep pulling away he had since he started in person classes.
"Is everything okay," Allison asked, "with us?"
"Yeah," Asher said, "why?"
"You've been distant since you went back to school," Allison pointed out, "are you embarrassed by me or the kids?"
"No," Asher said, "by myself. I feel like such an idiot in those classes with all those kids fresh out of high school. Then I go to the mandatory study group and the guys are talking about how lame it would be to settle down at 18 with one person."
Allison gulped, "like us? Do you not want our life together?"
"I want this," Asher assured, "but we made a choice at 17 and we didn't know the full extent. But I feel like I trapped you. You wanted to travel and go save the world with the UN. Do you still want this?"
"I do," Allison promised, "and maybe we can travel and save the world when the kids grow up. I've been feeling like your pulling away and not talking like you usually do and not being physical the same way. I know I haven't lost all of the baby weight from Carly. Is it bothering you?"
"It's not that," he admitted, "it's seeing you bleeding out like that from there. I know it's irrational but I'm scared to hurt you."
"The bleed was in my uterus," Allison said, "when we you do not go past my cervix. You can not go past that to the uterus. The only way that could repeat is another pregnancy."
"I'm worried about that since they denied my vasectomy," Asher said.
"I have the IUD again because that's all I was approved for," Allison replied, "but I can try to get my tubes tied on medical grounds. I've had two complicated deliveries."
"It's surgery for you," Asher said.
"I can ask," Allison replied, "make a convincing enough argument with enough medical language. Is that really why you've been pulling away?"
"Yes," Asher assured, "I can't do that again. There's been talk of how hard that was for you but I watched. I watched what looked like all of your blood coming out in a waterfall on the floor."
"Ash," Allison sighed, "you never said anything."
"I couldn't we needed to get you healthy," Asher whispered, "so I don't say it."
Allison just hugged him.
"What do you say in a couple weeks we ask Cat or Annie to watch the kids for a weekend and just you and I go away," Asher suggested.
"We've never done that," Allison agreed, "just our wedding night."
"Let's go," Asher said, "somewhere new. Not the cabin. Some were we've never been, get a hotel, sleep when we want, eat what we want."
"Somewhere we can hike," Allison suggested, "one with some good climbs."
"I'll book it," Asher said, "over our anniversary."
"With the twins," Allison asked.
"Yes," Asher replied, "because we have been distant with each other and running around like crazy people and not connecting."
"Between me working and you in school and working and the kids," Allison said, "what if next semester when your doing 5 classes you took a leave from work for a semester. I'll be done my fellowship in September and will be making attending money, we have savings and we know how to live frugally."
"Maybe," Asher agreed.
"You worked your ass off so I could go to school," Allison said, "lets do it for a semester and see. You have three left on your bachelors and the MBA is part time."
"Online," Asher said.
"Still work," Allison countered.
"If I don't work for a semester," Asher asked.
"I do," ALlison replied, "and we rebalance household stuff. You go to school and do the house work, most of the driving, cook, groceries."
"House husband," Asher asked.
"For a semester," Allison replied, "I did it for 8 years."
"Six and a half," Asher countered, "the last year and a half of med school you were an unpaid slave."
"Your co-op." Allison said.
"Is paid," Asher replied, "and I can do it in the office at work."
Carly began to cry.
"You go get her," Asher said, "I'll make us breakfast and try to book a trip for the two of us."
Allison slowly got off the couch. Thankful for their little talk. There was still more to work on with the distance she was feeling but it was a start.