I spent the first day it seemed doing nothing but bawling my heart out, clutching Mother tight as she soothed me as best she could. Everything that had happened, how sad and lonely I had been, how my hopes of a child had been dashed, came pouring out of me in an endless flood. She let me go on, only speaking once I had run out of words. "Oh, my dear, I had no idea how bad it was. I knew you would be unhappy to have William leave, but this is beyond that."

I sobbed softly against her, "And my baby, my poor little baby. I did something, I just know it."

"Now that, you did not." She pulled me upright at that, "And you were more than likely not pregnant."

My cries died in my throat, "But my monthly."

"Yes, yes, I know. You haven't had it since Newport. But my dear, think of everything that's happened since then. The war, William leaving, it can have an effect on you. More than likely all the worry and stress caused it to be late, not that you were pregnant."

"But-"

"You were not sick, you didn't have any cravings, and you are far too skinny." She leaned back, taking me in. "You haven't been eating, have you?"

"No."

"But you've been drinking."

I ducked my head, "Yes, it's been hard!"

"And more than likely you haven't gone to the docks or had any visitors."

"Well," I shifted in my seat. "The reverends came by, curious about why I hadn't been at church."

"I hope you told them you'd come." Mother gently drew me up. "Although you'll need better clothes for that. How long have you been wearing those?"

"A few days, I don't know." I let her pull me along. "There just hasn't been any reason to dress properly."

"Well, there will be soon enough." Mother stopped outside my rooms, opening the door and ushering me through. "For now, you're going to get cleaned up and fed." She looked to Louise, smiling. "See that Anastasia takes a proper bath, washes her hair and is dressed for dinner."

"Of course, ma'am." Louise bobbed a curtsy.

"And do not let her wiggle her way out of this." Mother turned, looking at my room. "And see the curtains stay open, I'll have some flowers brought."

"I can send for the flowers from Mr. Vanderbilt." Louise offered, already moving for the curtains.

Mother looked to me, a brow raised. I shrugged, looking away. "He and Liz came over to discuss wedding plans, Liz bought too many flowers so he's been sending them to the house to get rid of them."

"I see," Mother sniffed, "Those can be brought, but also send out for some. And be sure to air out a dress for her, we'll be going shopping tomorrow."

Louise at least kept herself to smug little smiles as she helped me out of my clothes, I don't know if I could have stood for comments at this point. Fortunately she knew how I liked my bath, although she refused to leave the room. Instead she helped scrub my back, ran her fingers through my hair and massaged the shampoo in. I had to admit it did feel nice, and I didn't even mind when she started talking as she dried my hair.

Slowly, I let myself be drawn into conversation about what kind of hairstyle I would prefer for dinner. She was of the opinion that something light and airy would be just the ticket, and I allowed her to sweep it up into a delicate style. Then it was my dress, not the tea gowns I had been wearing for days, but a tailored light gray wool that made my hair shine. But she paused before opening the door for me, a smile on her face. "Just a moment, ma'am." She darted to a trunk, coming back with a packet. "These arrived this morning, I thought you might like to read them after dinner."

I took it from her, turning it over and seeing my name scrawled out in my husband's elegant handwriting. "Oh, Louise, thank you."

"And Peggy sent yours off this morning, so go have a nice dinner with your mother and read these for dessert." She gently took the packet from my hands, placing it on a low table near a settee. "And no crying, you've done enough of that lately."

Shaking my head, I made my way down to the dining room. Mother, resplendent in an ocher silk gown, presided over the head and gestured for me to sit next to her. She had quite clearly given orders for a formal dinner tonight, for a fine silk tablecloth and her wedding china was placed on the table. Which included full settings, although my setting lacked the requisite wine glasses. She must have seen me noticed for she quirked a brow at me, "No drink for you for quite sometime, and you'll be eating every bit of food on your plate."

"What if I'm not hungry?" I groused, already seeing the footmen emerging with the first course. I glared at the bright red tomatoes nestled in their bed of fresh lettuce. "I haven't been eating much lately."

"I can tell, you're far too thin." Mother popped a tomato in her mouth. "Now, fork in hand and mouth full." I had to admit that Mother at least had the courses served in appropriate portions so that I managed to eat everything. By the end of the meal, I felt full but not like my stomach had been stretched. A pot of hot chocolate was waiting for me in my rooms and, after undressing, I curled up on the settee with a mug and pulled the packet of letters to me. I gently prized open the first one, greedily reading.

My Dearest Ana,

How I miss you, my darling. You would not believe how crowded Southampton is, and not just with sailors. Soldiers embarking for France, ships cluttering every available dock to load them and their gear. I even saw horses being lifted aboard, for the cavalry. It seems everyone is rushing to France, to the trenches and the front lines.

You should be thankful that I'm not, I should hate to return to you again covered in mud from having lived in a hole. Now, navy ships are not the cleanest, but we do at least try. I will write more tomorrow, for I am exhausted and Kate has scheduled me an appointment with the recruiting office in the morning. I'll dream of you, I always do.

Your Jolly Sailor Bold,

-William

I ran my fingers down to the pendant that had been tucked into my corset, resting warm between my breasts. "I'll dream of you too, my love."

Will dressed carefully in his uniform, knotting his tie just so in the mirror of the inn he had rented a room at. He knew it was not up to Ana's standard, although she would never have complained. But it was warm, kept a good table, and had a maid who had been willing to freshly starch his collar for him.

He needed to look his best when meeting his new captain, one Nathaniel Bligh of the Peterel. It seemed to be a decent ship, a destroyer and not an old one. Not as big as he was used to, but bloody fast and well armed. He checked his uniform one last time, noting the additional rank stripes that had been added. His posting had come with a breveted promotion to Commander, and he had let himself go off on a daydream during the train to Chatham.

Perhaps he had been promoted because they wanted him to assume command of the Peterel sometime soon. He had all the proper certificates, he had the training, he had the endorsements of several other captains that it was high time he be given command. And it would be grand to write to Ana about it, signing his name down as Commander William McMaster Murdoch, of HMS Peterel.

So Will checked himself over in the mirror once more, made sure that the oxfords he had polished last night hadn't gotten scuffed, and clapped his cap on his head once he was outside.

He hadn't been to Chatham enough to be familiar with the place, but the cabbie knew where he wanted to go. He had to wait while his credentials were checked before being allowed onto the docks were the various naval ships awaited fresh coal and crew. He found the Peterel quick enough, and asked one of the men around her for directions to the captain's quarters.

It turned out the man he had asked, young with a wispy mustache, was actually one of the junior officers. "Oh, Commander Murdoch, Captain Bligh's been expecting you." He quickly led Will onboard, through a series of plain steel passageways, until ending up outside a door in the forward superstructure. Will watched as the junior officer hesitantly knocked, "Captain Bligh, sir, Commander Murdoch has arrived."

A sharp voice, piercing even through the door, made the younger man cringe. "Open." Will reached for the knob, hoping to put the boy at ease. Captain Bligh, Will couldn't see much of him, was bent over a paper as he scratched away with a pen. He didn't even look up, "Dismissed."

The way the junior officer scurried away as quickly as he could left Will with no doubt that Captain Bligh was a hard man to serve under. Well, he had served under harsh captains before. So Will assumed an attentive pose, ignored the chair across from Bligh's desk, and waited. Bligh continued writing, leaving Will standing for almost five minutes before he set the pen down and looked up. Will snapped as crisp a salute as he could, taking in his new commanding officer. A rather long nose, sharp jaw and a set of cheekbones that could have cut glass, gave the man a skeletal look, and the yellow stained teeth that showed when he sneered at Will did not help. "A reservist."

Will let his hand drop, "Yes, sir. I've been assigned to your ship."

"I'm well aware." Bligh tented his short fingers, scars on them from years of service. "I was also not consulted on the decision. If I had been you wouldn't be standing here."

He fought to keep a flush of anger contained. "Have I given offense in some way?"

"Your very presence is an offense." Bligh looked like he would have spat on him. "Refusing an honorable service in favor of lining your own pockets, but more than willing to show up and steal the glory of the navy for yourselves, you reservists bring shame to the name sailor."

"I apologize if anyone has given you that idea, sir." Will did his best to keep a respectful tone. "I shall endeavor to prove myself to you and the service."

Bligh snorted, shaking his head as he rose. "I don't need that; I just have to keep you around until they send me a proper navy man." He looked Will up and down. "'Commander', you're hardly worthy of command. On my ship you'll serve those of us who have been serving Britain, not yourself. Even the junior officers, you'll be below them." He lifted one finger, pointing to the new stripes on Will's cuffs. "And you can burn that, go find yourself a proper navy uniform in town. Single stripe, and nothing expensive. We shove off in two days."

Will snapped another salute. "Yes, sir." He contained himself until he had left the docks, found an alley that was relatively deserted, and then let loose a torrent of muttered curses. Bligh wasn't just a hard captain, he was an utter bastard. Will lifted his foot and kicked at the brick wall of a dry good store, scuffing the polish on his shoe. "Fucking, goddamn son of a whore."

It hardly mattered that his shoe was scuffed, nothing mattered anymore. Bligh would turn him into nothing but a glorified steward, if he didn't try to have Will dismissed in some way. He'd be going to war, but just to fetch the man's tea and endure any insults thrown his way, which he had no doubt would come often. All his pride in his new rank, his desire to serve his country, it was meaningless now.

But he still had his duty.

So he grabbed a crumpled piece of paper off the ground, cleaned the scuff as best he could, and set off to a tailors. They did a good business what with the ships in, which meant that when he requested a full junior officer's uniform set, they could supply it. Just in various sizes that were either tight on him, or hung off his frame. They promised to tailor them as best they could, but Will knew with only two days it was unlikely that they would fit as well as his current uniform.

After having a pint, or three, with dinner he headed back to the inn and drew out the small packet that had arrived in Southampton just before he had set out for Chatham. Ana's flowery copperplate spread elegantly across the pages, telling him about everything in New York. Liz had filled her entire house with flowers, Oscar was annoyed with it, Ezekiel had made captain, and they all sent nothing but their best wishes and their desire to see him home soon, and safely.

Still sour over what had happened earlier, he tore through several more letters. He couldn't help but notice that she rarely wrote about herself, telling him about parties she had gone to, dresses she had bought, tricks that Rigel had learned, but not a word about how she was or what she thought of the war. The closest he got was the closing of the last letter he read.

I never quite realized how much I miss you when you're gone. When you worked your way across, I always knew you would be back soon. But now I have no idea when I will see you again, and sometimes it feels like a great hole has opened up beneath me and swallowed me whole. I have to remind myself over and over that you will return, that we will be together again. The necklace helps with that, I haven't taken it off since you left.

Know that you have all of my love,

Your Ana

Will let out a long breath at that, rubbing a hand across his face. Maybe this would be for the best, being a glorified steward. It meant he wouldn't be on the bridge if they saw combat, which was likely to be targeted. He could deal with the insults, the snide comments and any other disgrace that was thrown his way, if it meant he came home to Ana sooner.

Of course, he would probably bite through his tongue while he stayed quiet through it all.

I fidgeted in my new dress, wishing that it had more a skirt for me to twist my fingers in. Mother had dragged me to several stores over the past few days, insisting that I needed new clothes. Despite my pleading she had decided that my style needed updating and that the slimmer skirts suited my height.

What was worse was she had scheduled us yet another shopping trip tomorrow, but this time with Liz in attendance.

I knew Liz would chatter away, throw half a dozen dresses over me, and soon enough have me talking happily about fabrics and lace, the cut of a skirt and the swirl of a coat. Part of me wanted that, I wanted to talk about silly things and feel like I didn't have anything to worry about. I wanted to be myself again, but I only felt guilty.

I shouldn't be looking forward to shopping, I should be pining after Will or, as Mother had pointed out, doing something to help. But she had forbidden me the offices until I was better, she still felt I was too listless and skinny to take on the burdens of the company again. Instead, she had reports delivered to her and Mr. Keller had made a trip over yesterday.

I'd sat in on their meeting, trying absorb as much as I could. So far we had only shipped food, but British companies were clamoring for raw materials for factories, or finished goods. Mr. Keller remarked that he had been approached by a British agent about clandestinely hiding munitions among the crates of food. Given that would break the neutrality that the United States seemed determined to maintain, he was declined.

British ships could transport those, and were doing a swift business in it, but we could not.

Instead Mother had directed him to increase our investments in the various businesses that would produce supplies for those munitions factories. Dalian Shipping was slowly growing bigger, expanding into mines, railways, factories, and while we would suffer a slight dip in our fortunes as we expanded, the projections were bright. It all depended on the war, how long it went on and how much was committed.

I was glad that Mr. Keller was the one to voice that comment, because he at least had the decency to say that he wished that it wouldn't drag on.

He spoke of other company owners that were praying for a long war, stoking their pocket books as months turned into years and the war kept going. Mother was disgusted with that, as was I. I wished the war would end tomorrow, that everything would go back to the way it was and Will would come home.

I shook myself out of my thoughts as Mr. Rigby entered, bowing deeply. "Mrs. Sophie Reichster, madams, with her son, Adam."

Sophie, utterly stunning in a deep rose tea gown, breezed in with Adam in her arms. "You are feeling better?"

I stood, briefly embracing the both of them. "As good as I can be."

"I understand," She sighed, settling down across from Mother and I. "Unlike many others."

Mother poured tea for all of us, "Of course, your brothers, I pray for their safety as well as William's."

"Thank you," Sophie smiled briefly, turning to me. "Have you heard from him?"

I added a healthy helping of cream and sugar to my cup, "Just recently, he sent a packet of letters. And you?"

She shook her head, "They cut the undersea cables from Germany as soon as war was declared, the last letter was the one from Frederich." She sipped at her tea, wincing when she tasted how strong Mother preferred her tea be brewed and discretely reaching for the cream. "Zachary is going to have some ships try to break the blockade, I typed up a letter for each of them, to send off if they make it through."

This put me in an awkward situation. If I said she hoped she was able to get her letter through, then I would be saying I hoped Will failed in his duty. Instead I stirred my tea, the silver spoon clinking against the china. "Is Adam well?"

"Here," Sophie stood, collecting her son and depositing him in my arms. "See for yourself."

I scrambled to set my cup aside and cradle him. "Hello, little one." Adam blinked his clear blue eyes up at me, pudgy fingers reaching up for something. As much as it pained me to say anything positive about something Zachary had made, he really was a darling little thing. Although those fingers found the silver chain that dangled down my neck and grabbed at it. I jerked back slightly, trying to disentangle him. "Oh, Adam, let that go."

Sophie chuckled, "He's gotten better at grabbing things lately. Especially if they're shiny."

"Well, as long as he doesn't break it." I muttered, allowing him to tug on it. "It was a gift from Will."

"He's only a baby." She laughed, "I highly doubt he could do anything to it." We fell into an easy chatter then, deliberately avoiding any talk of war. We knew it was all over the papers, that it was on everyone's lips, but most people didn't have the emotional investment in it that we did. Instead we talked about the upcoming season, who was likely to wind up engaged, if an engagement would happen during Liz's wedding.

"I hope not, Moira would have them thrown out!" Mother laughed, smiling even wider as she saw someone coming. "Ah, Captain Ezekiel Fields!"

"Mrs. Dalian," Ezekiel, his red hair somewhat tamed, gave her a quick bow before he turned to me. "There is no way that," He gestured towards Adam, still in my lap. "Is Will's."

"You know it's not." I rolled my eyes, passing Adam back to his mother. "Honestly Zeke, was that necessary?"

He sat down, giving a brief nod to Sophie. "Well, I could only think of a few things that would keep you from coming to celebrate my promotion. Delivering a baby was one of them, and honestly Annie, even then you would at least try and show up."

"I paid your tab, didn't I?" I snorted, noting how Ezekiel ignored the tea and went right for the sweets.

"The bare minimum of what you could do." He spoke around a cookie, "Annie, you know I've wanted this my whole life."

I sighed, seeing Sophie hiding a smile. "I know, I know. How about you join us tomorrow? We'll be going out and getting a nice dinner after."

He rocked his head from side to side, considering it. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Shopping." Mother supplied, beaming as I groaned. "Anastasia here has let her wardrobe lapse, so we'll be rectifying that."

Ezekiel recoiled as if he had been shocked. "I think I'm good, Mrs. Dalian. I don't exactly need to look at the winter frocks."

"Oh, but you must go!" Sophie teased, dandling Adam on her knee. "A captain must keep a good wardrobe, and I'm quite sure yours could stand some improvement."

"Really, I-"

Mother fixed him with a glare as she interrupted. "Should I tell Morgan, Ezekiel? That you're refusing a kind offer, not to mention dinner with your oldest friend?"

I couldn't help myself and chuckled, "Zeke, you know your mother would lose her mind if she heard about that. It's awfully rude, you know."

He flushed, making Sophie titter. "Really Ezekiel, you said you wanted a proper celebration, and you should have a new suit for such an occasion."

"Women," He hissed under his breath, earning himself a pinch from Mother. He scrambled away, "Alright, alright! Just call when you're leaving." He stood, brushing down his jacket. "I'm leaving before you all have me start dancing or some other nonsense."

We all laughed at that, and the afternoon ticked on. Eventually though, Adam began to fuss and Sophie made her excuses to leave. I walked her to the door, giving her a brief hug. "It was nice to see you again."

"I'm glad you're feeling better." She glanced down to Adam, quite clearly hungry as he began grabbing at the neckline of her dress. "Although I don't know how often we'll see each other, outside of days like this."

I cocked my head, "Why should that be?"

"I'm German, you're married to a British sailor." She sighed, shaking her head and doing her best to calm Adam for a few more minutes. "I've already had callers coming to say that they either won't be inviting me to certain parties, or they won't be inviting you. Declaring sides, and all that, and if we ever are at the same party-"

"They'll expect fireworks." I pursed my lips, "We'll just have to disappoint them." I gave Adam my fingers to squeeze to distract him. "I do hope your brothers make it through safely, Sophie."

"And I pray the same for William." She gently pulled Adam back, Mr. Rigby at the door. "Please write to me to let me know how your mother decides to torture Ezekiel. I could use something funny to read."

I blinked quickly, hoping that she didn't notice. "I actually have something funny to tell you now, if you like."

"So long as it's quick."

"Oh yes, apparently they have William learning how to use torpedoes. The back of one of my letters was covered in calculations!"

She laughed, a small tear falling from those clear blue eyes. "Otto did the same thing once, we teased him about it for a month!"

"Please, call as often as you want." I took her hand, giving it a squeeze. "It's nice to have someone who understands what I feel."

She returned the squeeze, "Not many here do."