Hitting Ed Bottom

The Eds and Ruka started their trek west into unknown lands, spotting the Holy Nation base that marked the edge of their territory.

Past that was a valley full of fog, and Ed excitedly ran in with the others following in suit.

"My, my, such an extraordinary place!" Edd remarked.

"It is so pretty!" Ed cried out.

"And no knights in sight." Eddy remarked.

Ruka suddenly started squinting into the fog and got out her sword, "Something's coming!" She announced.

The Eds looked over to see an…odd, bluish colored, stick-like creature running towards them. With a raised iron club. And soon enough, there were ten more just like him.

"What, again?" Eddy cried out, "Run for it!"

The Eds and Ruka fled these weird men from the fog and ran further into the misty lands. Miraculously, they ended up losing them.

"The heck is wrong with this place? It's like everything here is trying to kill us!" Eddy exclaimed.

"I wonder why they stopped following us?" Double-D asked.

Suddenly, the group heard screams of pain and horror ring out.

"Dad?" Ed asked.

There were more terrible screams.

"No…that sounds like a dying shek." Ruka commented.

The screaming continued and suddenly stopped.

"Uh…let's just get out of here." Eddy told them.

The group kept going, getting more and more uneasy in the fog. Eventually they came across a path to a gate and approached it. Guarding the gate were a mix of humans, shek, and another stick-like man who had a more green skin color than the blue fog men.

"Hey, uh, this isn't the Holy Nation, is it?" Eddy asked the shek guard leader.

The shek shook his head, "New around here, huh? Well, you must be tougher than you look to make it past the fogmen and get to Mongrel in one piece." he told Eddy.

"Mongrel?" Double-D asked.

The shek nodded, "Yep, welcome to rock bottom. Mongrel, the only dregs who live here have nowhere else to go."

"Ooh! Where the only direction is up!" Ed cheered.

"Uh…any way we can make money around here?" Eddy asked.

The shek shrugged, "Aside from scavenging for stuff in the fog, no. Nobody is hiring in town. This isn't really a booming city, it's more like a hideaway for outlaws and ex-slaves."

"Sounds like the kind of place we can use." Ruka remarked.

"How fortunate for you, just keep your head down and try not to give people a reason to fight you. We have a small number of jail cells."

The group walked through the gates into Mongrel and thanks to the safety of the massive walls and the fact that they were out of the Holy Nation, all of them breathed a sigh of relief.

"I think I lost years of my life from all that insanity." Double-D complained.

"No kidding. I say we stay here for a bit until the heat dies down." Eddy announced.

"We will need money eventually, Eddy, and we were told nobody is hiring."

"Nothing but ghost jobs here!" Ed remarked.

Eddy smiled, "Hey, did you guys forget the golden rule? Where there's people, there's a buck to be made! We just gotta get creative with it!"

"How do we do that, Lord Eddy?" Ruka asked.

Eddy grinned wide, "Lord Eddy, heh, I like that."

Double-D groaned, "Eddy, you are hardly qualified for-"

"Quiet, peasant!" Lord Eddy ordered.

Double-D crossed his arms, "Well, if all I am is a peasant, then I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and not help you speed up your goals."

Lord Eddy rubbed his chin, "Hmm...good point, you can be the guy who explains stuff to me, like the secretary."

Double-D rolled his eyes, "I think the term you're looking for is advisor, and as your advisor I recommend you don't claim to be a lord of any kind in a town full of outlaws."

Ed was astounded, "Ooh, he's good."

Lord Eddy threw up his arms, "Eh, fine, I'll ditch the Lord thing! Let's just split up, scope out the town, and look for opportunities! I'm gonna hit up the stores." Eddy walked off.

"I'll come with you, Eddy." Ruka said as she followed after.

Double-D groaned, "Well, I'm going to…" Double-D noticed a massive drill and headed for it, "...check out the machines."

"And I'm going to wander around aimlessly!" Ed announced as he did so. He rambled along saying hello to Mongrel's several ninja guards on patrol. It was a pretty big town with many shops including three bars. Behind one of the bars, Ed had found the most beautiful creature that inhabited this world.

"Beep!"

And he was beeping to himself.

This was another of those stick-like bugmen the group had encountered before, but this one was green like the Mongrel gate guard, he looked up at Ed with very curious, innocent eyes and wore nothing but a cloth around his waist. Ed couldn't help but smile, "Hi Beep!"

The beeping bugman stared intently at Ed, "...how do you know my name?" Beep asked.

Ed's grin stretched ear to ear. "I read it in my brain!"

That was Ed-speak for: "You said 'Beep' and I connected the dots." which was a herculean feat for him.

Beep got a bit closer to Ed, looking up at him in amazement, "You must be some kind of genius then?" he asked.

"Ed-genius at your service!" Ed replied proudly, "They used to call me Egghead Ed, but you can call me Ed!"

"Can I join you, Ed?" Beep asked, "You look strong and I want to become strong, become a swordsman."

Ed scratched the back of his head and thought up something clever to ask, another herculean feat, "That depends, do you have a very particular set of skills?"

"I have nothing." That didn't seem like such a good sales pitch, but Beep kept talking, "They exiled me from the Hive."

"Why? Did the bees or ants not like you saying 'beep'?" Ed asked, not knowing what "the Hive" was in this context.

"I am defective, not good for Hive. But Beep doesn't give up! Beep is strong! Since I left the Hive, I can feel my mind changing. The way I think, I feel free, having thoughts I never had before! I want freedom but everywhere I go things try to kill me or chase me."

"You are not alone my friend, things try to kill and chase me too!'

"Beep tires of running. Time to stab things that chase me!"

Ed was eager to hire Beep into the group, but then he recalled that he wasn't able to hire the rum lady from the Hub and frowned, "Aw, I really wish you could come with me Beep, but I don't have any money."

"What's money?"

Ed smiled big again and lifted Beep up, "Eddy will like you! Welcome to the team, Beep!"

"Beep!"

…

Double-D was enamored by the massive machinery that was the Ore Drill. It was the most advanced structure he had witnessed since waking up in this desolate land, but then again, that wasn't a hard title to earn. He got closer and observed in awe as the automated drill scooped up ores of iron from apparently a deposit underground. He then got out a notepad and pencil and started taking notes.

"Hey, you aren't planning on stealing any ore, are ya?"

Double-D jumped as he suddenly noticed the ninja guard who was now just next to him, "Ah! N-No! I was just very impressed with the machine and-"

"Ah, are you part of the Tech Hunters? Well, this thing belongs to the skeleton in the robotics shop, you can ask him about it." The ninja pointed at a small shack with a sign that had a screwdriver and wrench on it.

Double-D smiled a bit, "Ah! A fellow machine enthusiast!" then Double-D caught something, "Wait, what did you mean by 'skeleton'?"

But then a sound like panpipes played and the ninja guard was gone, vanished into thin air. You know, like a ninja.

Double-D felt a bit uneasy that the ninja guards could appear and disappear at any moment. It was also very likely that they were watching his every move, which in turn made the high-strung Edboy more uncomfortable. Well, hopefully they did not stay in Mongrel for too long.

Or this hellish world for that matter.

Double-D entered the robotics shop and gasped in surprise when he saw the counter being manned by a machine, "Oh my! A robot!" he squealed with excited glee.

The robot in question looked directly at Double-D, "Oh my! A human! Yes, yes, very funny sir, did you wish to buy something?" he asked in a cold, artificial, soulless voice. Not soulless because he was a robot, but because he was a retail worker.

Double-D couldn't believe his eyes and ears, "A talking robot! Amazing!" He took out his notepad and wrote furiously on his findings.

The robot pointed at Double-D with a mechanical hand, "You are very observant, sir. Although, could you please not use the R word? It is demeaning, my people prefer the term 'skeleton' from you biologicals."

It dawned on Double-D that he may have committed a hate crime, "Oh my apologies, but out of curiosity, wouldn't the term 'android' apply better? you look human enough for it."

The skeleton lowered his arm, "Perhaps, though 'skeleton' was the most colloquial term used to describe my kind for a time. As such, we adopted it. Made it our own. Are you interested in purchasing something? If not, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

Double-D looked down at the shop counter to see it was filled with robotic arms and legs akin to prosthetics and a bunch of tools, all with hefty price tags, "Oh, um, I'm afraid I do not have the funds to purchase anything, but I have many questions! That is, if you don't mind answering them."

The skeleton held up three metal fingers, "You may ask three questions, then either buy something or leave. And before you ask, no, I am NOT a 'sexbot'. Please take care of your organic waste yourself."

Double-D got red in the face, "Well, that's a question I did NOT want to ask!"

"It is a Frequently Asked Question, so I saved you one out of courtesy."

Double-D got out his notepad and pencil, "Okay, first question: I was told you were the one who built that impressive drill that's mining autonomously just outside this store, could you teach me how to construct one?"

"Processing...no. I constructed that drill centuries ago to speed up my productivity and thus no longer needed the blueprints for it. So I deleted them from memory."

The point of Double-D's pencil snapped, "CENTURIES AGO?"

The skeleton stared at Double-D for a moment. "Facial and speech recognition software indicates that your outburst was more out of shock than inquiry. I will not register that as a question."

Double-D had a lot more questions now, he sharpened his pencil with a portable pencil sharpener. Yes, of course he has one, he's a nerd. "Wait, hold on, when were you created?"

"Processing…I do not have a calendar. I do have an internal clock. It states I was activated twenty-four-hundred-twenty years, sixty-nine days ago."

"Nice," said nobody since Double-D was beyond such juvenile humor.

Instead, Double-D quickly rounded up the number of years he was given, and was aghast with the result, "You were created nearly two and a half thousand years ago?"

"And still operable."

Something in Double-D's mind snapped, "How is that possible? Mankind has only just begun developing robotics within the past century!"

"Have they? Good for them."

"You misunderstand, the first programmable robot Mankind created was arguably in 1954 in the Common Era. By my calculations, you were built four-hundred years BEFORE the Common Era!"

"No, I completely understand that mankind is a little slow. We skeletons have long understood that."

Double-D couldn't believe what he was hearing. From what the skeleton was saying, it was as if it wasn't created by humans. "…who created you?"

"Processing…" The skeleton was still for a moment, and then a completely different artificial voice responded, "FILE LOCKED."

"Pardon?"

"Data alluding to manufacturers is encrypted and protected. It cannot be accessed or deleted to provide memory space. I cannot answer that question. You may ask a different one."

The memory space was brought up before, according to Double-D's notes, "Okay…why do you delete your memory?"

"Processing…Skeleton units such as I are virtually immortal, however we have very limited storage space for memory to be effective. As such, every few centuries or so, the average skeleton will undergo memory defragmentation to delete unnecessary data. Some even go so far as to do a complete factory reset. Failure to do so may result in malfunctions, much like what happened to Emperor Cat-Lon or Tinfist."

After Double-D jotted down those names, something about one of them stood out, "You had an Emperor named Cat-Lon?"

"That was three questions. Now please leave." The skeleton then said.

"Oh? Oh!" Double-D had lost count of the questions he was asking.

"Please leave sir, come back when you have the cats to purchase something."

Well, that helped make it click in Double-D's head, "Ah, thank you sir, I'll go now." Double-D promptly left the store and looked over his notes again to make sure he was on the right track. "So, an Emperor by the name of Cat-Lon and a currency with the name 'cat'. It's similar to Caesar imprinting his face on Roman coins…" Double-D thought to himself.

Double-D pulled out one of the few cats the Eds had left and took a closer look with a magnifying glass he also kept on his person at all times. On the old coin, along with a hole in the center, was a faded image of what seemed to be the head of a skeleton.

"This may be Cat-Lon…"

…

Eddy grumbled as he and Ruka left the last shop in Mongrel, "Man, no wonder this town is rock bottom. There's barely anything worth much and the stuff that's worth anything is locked up tight."

"Eddy, were you planning on stealing from the shops?" Ruka asked.

Eddy made an exaggerated gasp, "What? Me, steal? Do you really think I would do that?"

Ruka stared at him blankly, "You're stealthy enough to tail a slave caravan without being noticed and you picked the locks of those shackles I was in easily. Both of which are skills of thieves."

Eddy paused for a moment, "Oh, uh, well let's just say I got a bit of a checkered past, alright? And if anyone asks, I was looking for items the shops may have misplaced so I could return them for a small fee."

In other words, looking for anything worth stealing.

"Hey, you."

Eddy quickly turned to see a ninja guard in between two buildings, motioning for Eddy to come to him, "I didn't touch anything! You can't prove otherwise!" Eddy cried out.

The ninja guard shook his head, "Nah, come here, I've got a deal for ya."

"Whatever you're selling, I ain't interested! I'm broke!" Eddy yelled.

"Nah, that's just it, I know a way you can make a lot of cats easy."

"I'm not desperate enough to do anything weird!"

The ninja guard slapped his forehead, "Narko's balls, no! You're what, fourteen? Do I look like a Holy Nation Priest?"

"Uh…wait, do they do that?" Eddy asked Ruka.

Ruka shrugged, "I've heard from female flatskins that the women of the Holy Nation tend to be gifted to Priests or Paladins when they are children. It's why a lot of them flee."

The ninja guard opted to just walk over to the two, "Alright, I was planning to talk to you two more privately but we'll do this your way. You're Eddy and Ruka, right?"

"How do you know our names?" Eddy asked, "Were you spying on us?"

"I mean, yeah? We're shinobi. Half of what we do is collect information and spread it throughout our network. Plus you're very loud, making it easy to eavesdrop."

Eddy blinked a few times, "Huh. Well, what do you want? What's the deal?"

"Just a business proposition, I've heard about you from the Shinobi Thieves who say your crew got enslaved just outside the Hub and yet all four of you are now here in Mongrel a few days later. It's impressive and makes you more capable than most."

"Capable for what?" Ruka asked.

"I take it you've seen them already on the way here, the Fogmen?" the ninja asked.

Eddy frowned, "Yeah, those creepy things chased us here."

"They chase everyone here. They're a massive problem that's been really tricky to solve."

"You want to hire us to lay waste to them all?" Ruka asked.

The ninja nodded, "Something like that."

"Woah, what?" Eddy asked, "There's no way we can take them all on!"

The ninja nodded again, "Indeed. I doubt your group could actually destroy them all. Especially since there's always more of them each passing day."

"What even are they? Creepy blue bug-people?" Eddy asked.

"They certainly do look like the bugmen, but there's something off about them." Ruka mused.

"From what we can figure out, they are- or rather were Hivers but our autopsies of the ones we've captured revealed something…disturbing."

"Hiver? What, like bees and ants?" Eddy asked, not knowing what a "Hiver" was in this context.

The ninja shrugged, "I have no idea what those things are, but Hivers are stick-like humanoids capable of walking, talking, and so on. Most of them live together in their hives and think and work only to worship their queen but there's also a bunch of them who have left their hives and that made them think and work more for themselves."

"They're also weaklings and make that up with large numbers." Ruka added.

"Right, got it." Eddy nodded along. He definitely did not get it.

The ninja cleared his throat and held out some sort of mushroom, "Anyway, we found something in the bodies of the Fogmen. We are unsure exactly what they are, but they're more prominent in their heads. Especially the heads of the Fog Princes."

"Uh, huh." Eddy nodded, feigning interest.

"Let's cut to the chase, we need to collect more samples of these, and we're willing to pay out six-thousand cats a head."

"Right, six- SIX THOUSAND?" Eddy cried out with a big smile and big dollar signs replaced his eyes with a cha-ching noise.

Ruka and the ninja jumped back a bit, surprised by the sudden shapeshifting.

"Has he done this before?" the ninja asked.

Ruka shook her head.

Eddy's eyes went back to normal, and he rubbed his palms together, "Okay ninja-man, you didn't have my attention before, but you got it now, along with my curiosity!"

"Did you happen to catch the part where he wanted their heads?" Ruka asked.

Eddy's smile vanished, "Wait, what? You want us to bring you HEADS?"

The ninja nodded, "Yes, preferably intact. We need to carefully extract the-"

"That's crazy! We ain't doing that!" Eddy told him.

"I understand, it's a very dangerous job, but we are offering top dollar for it."

"No, like, I've done a lot of sketchy stuff before, but you want me to kill people and bring back their heads?"

"Ah, I think I get it. If it helps, they lack the cognition to function as people anymore, and given they usually attack on sight, drag folks to their deathyards, and eat them alive, you'd actually be doing a huge favor for everyone here by helping thin out their numbers."

"They…they do WHAT?" Eddy asked.

"I guess we were lucky they didn't grab us." Ruka remarked.

The ninja shrugged, "If you're still hesitant on killing any of them, you could always just wait for one of the guards to run them through, then just take the heads from the Fog Princes."

"Why don't the guards just take their heads then?" Eddy asked.

"Because they need to keep guarding the gate. Can't leave their posts or else the Fogmen will get inside."

Eddy didn't have any further questions, he rubbed his chin, weighing the pros and cons in his head.

"Well, the offer stands. Just take the heads to any of the stores and they'll hand over six thousand per head. The only other way you'll be making any money would be mining for copper outside of town, and that'll put you in harm's way already." the ninja turned to leave but then turned his head back, "Oh by the way, if you try robbing any of the stores, I'll cut off your hands."

"Ah!" Eddy yelped, hiding his hands.

Ruka reached for her sword.

The ninja laughed, "Hah, I'm just messing with ya. But seriously, keep those sticky fingers under control unless you want to get locked up." With that, the ninja walked off.

"Say the word, and I'll cut him down, Eddy." Ruka bluntly said.

Eddy shook his head, "No way, let's just go find Ed and Double-D. We got our work cut out for us."

"Eddy!"

Eddy and Ruka turned to see Double-D approaching them, Ruka let go of her sword, "The scrawny flatskin." she muttered.

Double-D reached them, then started panting after the sprint. Eddy snickered a bit, "Getting your exercise in, advisor?" he asked.

Double-D ignored his taunt, "Eddy! You're not going to believe this, but I may have found a lead for us to get back home!"

"Wait, really?" Eddy smiled and lifted Double-D up, "Well, spit it out! What do we gotta do?"

Double-D took out a coin and held it up to Eddy, "Okay, do you see this?"

Eddy nodded, "Yeah, that's money. Some ninja guy was offering-"

"Apparently this world's currency is named after a robo- er, skeleton named Cat-Lon. He at some point in time was an emperor, and given these coins are still used today, his empire must have been very expansive and impressive."

"Are you saying we have to study the history of this world to find a way back home?" Eddy asked.

"No, what I am saying is that if the technology found on this world is advanced and sophisticated enough to create a mechanical emperor who can create an impressive empire, it's possible there may exist technology advanced and sophisticated enough to get us back home."

"Huh, you think so?"

"Well, it's a bit of a leap in logic but it's the best lead I've come up with so far. Perhaps if we ask the Tech Hunters, they could tell us more."

"Who?"

"The Tech Hunters are wanderers who search for ancient technology." Ruka told Eddy, "They accept all kinds, tend to be very formidable, and write a bunch of books."

"Huh, well, it's as good a start as any. Good job, Double-D."

Double-D grinned, "Good job? Really? Who are you and what have you done with Eddy?"

Eddy put an arm around Double-D's shoulder, "...Edd, I spent three days having to think for myself. Do you know how hard that is?"

Double-D knew, all too well, "I have an inkling…"

"Yeah, I'd rather not do that again."

Double-D giggled a bit, "Heaven forbid, you may actually grow a conscience."

Eddy snickered, "And you'd be out of a job."

"Now we can't have that, can we Lord Eddy?"

"You just call me Eddy, Double-D."

"You two are weird." Ruka flatly told them.

"Hey guys!"

All three of them turned to see Ed running at them while carrying his new buddy Beep over his shoulder.

Eddy pointed at the new recruit, "Ed? What the heck is-"

"This is Beep! He wants to join us on our adventure!" Ed interrupted, setting Beep down in front of them.

"Beep!" Beeped Beep.

"Um…nice to meet you, Beep." Double-D awkwardly greeted.

Beep looked up at Double-D with awe, "You know my name too? This is incredible! Your friend is a genius, Ed!"

Double-D smiled, "Well! It's nice that someone noticed!"

"Hold up, Ed, did you sign this bug guy up without asking me?" Eddy asked, giving Ed the stink eye.

Ed grinned, "Beep says he wants adventure, and he'll even join us for free!"

Eddy's mood went from angry to excited, "Well! If I had a nickel for everyone who joined us for free, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot so we need to find more!"

"Hopefully ones not as weak as this bugman." Ruka chided.

"Beep!" three guesses to who said that.

…

Meanwhile, far from Mongrel, on the other side of the continent, a massive skeleton by the name of Cat-Lon awoke on a massive, forgotten throne.

"That…dream…again…"

Wait, can skeletons dream? Well, Cat-Lon can.

Cat-Lon rose out of his throne, his rusted, ancient samurai armor making a dirty clunking noise that echoed throughout the dome he resided in, "More monsters have appeared...powerful ones.."

He took a few steps away from the throne, stepping on the many skeletal remains of humans that were littered around the dome. His metal, hydraulic powered feet crushed skulls and bones as if they were long-dead leaves.

"No matter...this barren, wasted land will deal with them...and if it doesn't…"

Cat-Lon stopped in the middle of the dome and looked down, a ridiculously massive sword was buried in a human's skull. He grasped the sword's grip and easily pulled it out. He held it up to his glowing skeleton eyes, the blade was dyed red with the dried blood of the many monsters who dared to oppose him. Despite not having used it in a century or so, the blade was not rusting nor in any need of sharpening.

Cat-Lon plucked a femur from the mess of bones strewn about, he then set his blade against the ground and, with only the bare minimum of effort, he tapped the bone against the edge of his weapon and it was cut cleanly in two, disturbing only a thin layer of dust on them.

"I shall vanquish them…like all the rest."