The Last of Ed

The Eds, Ruka, and Beep all sat at a table in one of Mongrel's bars, and Eddy pulled out the map.

"Okay boys and girls, slight change in plans, we need to get the heck out of this town and figure a quick way back to home base." Eddy told the group while pointing at the Hub.

Double-D groaned, "Why am I not surprised? Eddy, what did you do?"

"Nothing!" Eddy told him.

Double-D rolled his eyes, "I've heard that one before."

"I'm not lying this time!"

Ruka nodded, "Yeah, I was with Eddy the whole time and he couldn't find any misplaced items he could return."

Double-D slapped his forehead, "Eddy, I highly suggest you don't steal in general, let alone from people who openly carry swords."

Eddy grumbled a bit, "Right, right, anyway, with that not being an option, there's no way we're making any money here. We gotta go."

"I see your point. I also assume we won't be finding any Tech Hunters here."

"You're looking for the Tech Hunters?" asked a dark skinned woman with ruby red hair and round black goggles with red tinted lenses sitting at a table nearby.

Double-D looked over to her, "Umm, yes. Do you know where we could find them?"

The redhead slapped her chest a few times, "Right freaking here! Are you lot blind?"

"No, I see you. Beep!" Beep answered.

Double-D gave her a nervous smile, "My apologies, my name is Eddward but everyone calls me Double-D. I've heard of your university, but never met any of you until now."

The woman got up from her seat and joined the group, there was a half-full bottle in her hand labeled "GROG" and the smell of alcohol on her breath, "And now you have, congratulations. The name's Shryke."

Eddy waved the alcohol smell away from his nose, "Well, it must be our lucky day." he said with sarcasm.

Shryke gritted her teeth, "Luck nothing! I'm stranded in this dead end town and for what? Some puffed up tech hunter rumor of AI cores and CPU units? Well, goodbye blue skies, goodbye sunlight, so long desert breeze. Now there's the sounds of the fog to listen to instead. Listen to that and there you've got yourself a few sleepless nights. And don't get me started on the food! How much longer are the reserves gonna last on this marooned stand eh? Ugh…"

Ed suddenly gasped and stood up, "We are marooned? WE MUST FIND SHELTER!"

Double-D pulled Ed back down, "Ed, we are mostly fine, it was a figure of speech."

Shryke sighed, "Anyway, looks like you're all part of us now, eh? Welcome to the party! If you don't wanna be a party pooper, don't talk about the fog…or what's in it for that matter. The screeches and groans are enough of a reminder already…" She then took a swig from her bottle of grog.

"What's keeping you from just leaving?" Eddy asked.

Shryke set the bottle down and belched, "Oh, I want to, believe me. But every time I get the courage to, my mind fills with my dear old brother's tortured screams. And that's when I remember that I prefer staying put and listening to Crumblejon complain about his back-pain. It's easier said than done, captain obvious."

Eddy folded his arms, "Well, excuse me."

"It might be easier to just carry her out of here with us." Ruka told Eddy.

Shryke looked at Ruka, then looked around the table, "You'd do that for me? Well…I think I could make it if I went with all ten of you."

Double-D attempted to correct her, "Actually, there's only-"

Eddy interrupted, "Oh yeah, you'll be perfectly fine as long as you help us out when we get out of here."

Shryke gulped down the rest of her grog, "Ahh, to the abyss with it! I might never get another chance!" The tech hunter then got out of her chair…and then fell onto the floor.

Double-D quickly got up, checked Shryke for a pulse and put her in the recovery position on her side, "Oh my, she can't travel with us in this condition!"

Eddy nodded, "Double-D is right. Ed, you carry her."

"Okie dokie!" Ed got up and walked over to Shryke.

"No Ed!" Double-D snapped his fingers, "Heel, mister!"

Ed stopped in his tracks.

Double-D snapped his fingers again, "Now, sit!"

Ed sat back down.

"Good Ed!" Double-D tossed Ed a doggie treat.

Ed caught it in his mouth and chomped it down.

Ruka and Beep were dumbfounded, but Eddy was annoyed, "What the heck, Double-D? We gotta get the show on the road!"

"Eddy, this woman is clearly not in her right mind. We can't- we SHOULDN'T take advantage of that! We should wait until she sobers up and recovers before we drag her into our mess."

"That could take DAYS Double-D!"

"Nah, I've seen her do this before." the Hiver barman interjected, having come over after Shryke hit the floor, "Give it a few hours and she'll be right as the rain in Vain. She can sober up on the roof."

"Oh, thank you sir, can you help me carry her up there?" Double-D asked.

The barman nodded, "Easiest thing in the world, poor girl deserves better than this place."

"Uh, hey, and what are we supposed to do for a few hours?" Eddy asked Double-D as he and the barman headed for the stairs.

"Just find a way to occupy time. We'll leave as soon as Miss Shryke recovers." Double-D answered.

Eddy sulked, "Right, yeah…" Eddy looked over at Beep, "Hey Beeper-"

"Beep." Beep beeped.

"Right, are you up for an adventure?"

Beep nodded excitedly, "Yes! I am ready for anything!"

Eddy grinned, "Well, have I got an adventure for you…"

…

Beep and Ed mined for copper while Eddy and Ruka supervised them.

Eddy was quite happy with Beep, "I like this guy, I tell him to do something and he doesn't ask questions or complain like SOME people I know."

"Worker Bugmen are mainly used for menial labor such as this." Ruka told Eddy.

"No kidding? Heh, give it a few weeks and he might be as useful as Ed!"

Ruka then spotted the Fogmen approaching from the fog and grabbed her sword, "They come!" She roared.

As soon as she said that, a horde of Fogmen appeared.

"OH COME ON!" Eddy yelled as he pulled out his iron club and braced himself for the attack.

From behind them, a group of ninjas from Mongrel charged the Fogmen with katanas, bringing most of the attention to them.

Eddy sighed with relief, "Oh, great! Ed, Beeper, grab what you can and let's- Ed?"

Ed gawked in awe at the ninjas fighting the Fogmen, "They have katanas! So cool!"

"ED, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE GETTING SURROUNDED!" Eddy yelled.

Ed was indeed surrounded by Fogmen, and he quickly started swinging his fists at them as they tried to silently strike him with their metal sticks. One of these Fogmen was a Fog Prince who had a sword, and before this prince could swing his blade, Ed's fist perfectly upper cutted him on the chin, knocking his head clean off. Everyone watched as the head flew up into the air and fell onto the ground.

Ed's jaw dropped and he cried out, "Oh no!"

"Such incredible strength!" Beep cheered.

Ruka smiled for the first time Eddy had met her, "I knew he was a beast, but this is as if Kral himself was reborn as a flatskin!"

This display of power and the loss of one of their Princes caused the other Fogmen to back off, and they were cut to ribbons by more ninjas. The ninjas then ran off to aid their comrades fighting more of the Fogmen near the mist.

Ed picked up the head and tried reattaching it to the Fog Prince but he was unsuccessful, "Help me guys! If my mom found out I knocked someone's head off, I would be grounded forever!" Ed cried.

Eddy rushed over and put a hand on Ed's shoulder, "Uh...don't worry Ed! The Fogmen ain't exactly uh, thinking right!"

"They aren't cognitively aware." Ruka reminded Eddy.

"Uh, yeah, whatever that means. A ninja showed us they got mushrooms in their heads or something."

Ed calmed down and dropped the Fog Prince head, "Oh! They are victims of a parasitic fungus!"

Eddy was a bit confused, "Uh, pretty much, yeah. How'd you know?"

Ed smiled, "I read it in a comic! One where spores from a mushroom infected people and turned them into cannibalistic mutants that make clicking noises to detect their prey!"

"That's horrible. The Hive Queen's influence usually protects Hive from that." Beep remarked.

"Here comes more!" Ruka yelled.

Ed, Beep, and Ruka jumped into the fight between the Mongrel Ninjas and the Fogmen while Eddy looked down at the dropped head and slowly picked it up. It was big but oddly light in his hands, "Okay, on one hand, this could get us all the money we'll ever need. On the other hand, this is a little too much. What the heck am I gonna tell Double-D?"

Suddenly, a little Eddy dressed up as a devil appeared on Eddy's shoulder, "I say what Double-D doesn't know won't hurt him." Devil Eddy told him.

Eddy mulled it over, "Yeah, I dunno…"

Eddy turned to his other shoulder. On it was his older brother, also in a Devil costume, looking down at Eddy and smiling wickedly while chomping down on a lit cigar. He was way bigger than the devil on Eddy's other shoulder.

Before his bro could say anything, Eddy quickly turned back to Devil Eddy, who had his nose in a Succubus Monthly Magazine that featured a busty pink demon with white Xs on her chest. "Hey, what's the big idea? Isn't there supposed to be an angel?" Eddy asked.

Devil Eddy shrugged, "For most people, yeah, but you my friend ignored yours for way too long. I'm the best you got."

Eddy paused for a moment, "Alright, fair, so is that why you're smaller?"

Devil Eddy grinned and placed a hand on his chest, "Yeah, I'm the lesser of two evils"

Eddy glared at me, unamused, "...you think you're so frigging clever."

Yes, yes I do.

While Eddy was having his crisis of conscience, the others had disengaged from the fight with the Fogmen, with Ruka carrying another Fog Prince's head and Beep now carrying a katana.

"Is Eddy arguing with himself?" Ruka asked.

"Oh he's arguing with a shoulder angel and devil, it happens." Ed explained.

"You hear the voices too?" Beep asked.

…

Meanwhile, Double-D was reading more of the Tech Hunter book as he waited for Shryke to sober up. He looked up when he heard the young woman grunt as she sat up.

"Ugh…my head…I gotta stop drinking that stuff." she complained as she rubbed her temples.

"How are you feeling, Miss Shryke?" Double-D asked, offering her water.

Shryke took the water and drank a bit, "Like I made more bad decisions…Double-D right?"

"Ah, yes. I wasn't sure you remembered."

"I can hold my grog alright, I just stood up too fast…ah crap...was I mean to ya? Sorry about that, it was partly the grog, but I'm just so frustrated-"

Double-D waved her off, "No need to apologize, I've heard worse on a daily basis…"

Shryke gave him a perplexed look, "That's concerning…" she noticed the book he was reading, "Oh, yeah, you were looking for the Tech Hunters, right?"

Double-D nodded, "Yes, we are in urgent need of their assistance."

Shryke shrugged, "You wouldn't be the first, lots of folks want all the fancy stuff the University of Machinists have. Well, aside from those maniacs in the Holy Nation. So, what're you looking for? A giant death ray? Armor that never breaks? Your own personal security spider?"

"Do you have all of those?" Double-D asked.

Shryke shook her head, "Nah, otherwise I wouldn't be here. The University doesn't have them either, they just send idiots like me to go find them."

Double-D decided to choose his next words carefully to enlist Shryke into their group, "I see…ahem, my friends and I are looking for something…advanced. Something possibly from centuries or millennia ago."

"Something probably worth a lot, right?" Shryke asked.

"We were hoping to use it…it's complicated, but I have a hypothesis that we'll need some ancient tech that will help us."

"Help you, what? Take over the continent? Make a lot of money? Feed you your entire lives?"

"Like I said, it's complicated and well, we only just met…"

"I get it, it's hard to trust anyone on this damned continent. Never know who's got your back or who's looking to make a roll of cats off of you."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as untrusting-"

"Nah, I get it, really, you see this stupid thing?" Shryke reached into a pocket she had and pulled out an old, beaten up lantern that gave a warm glow.

Double-D admired the lantern, "My, my! That's an adorable device!"

"Yeah, I thought so too. And this stupid thing is why I'm stuck here."

"Is it? How so?"

Shryke set the lantern down, "So, my brother and I heard word that there was some treasure to be found in the northwest, but while traveling though Vain we came across a caravan of Hivers who tried to warn us of the fog. Saying that it would kill us unless we bought a few lanterns from them."

"And I can see you bought them."

Shryke sighed, "Yeah, five thousand cats wasted on these useless things. We met some of those Fogmen, they spotted us because of the lanterns. My brother told me to run. You can figure out the rest."

"I…I truly am sorry."

Shryke shook her head, "Don't be. You aren't the scamming Hivers who sold me this stupid thing. Or the idiot who trusted them, and told her brother that we should listen to them…"

"Oh…" Double-D really didn't know what to say to that.

Shryke shrugged, "Not much can be done about it now. I've been here for a few months. The first couple of weeks were a blur, Crumblejon said I could barely function. Honestly, I'm kind of sick of just wallowing here, so you know what? I'm up for anything else."

"I think you should know that there's only five of us including myself. We are also aiming to head southeast for now, and our funds are also low at the moment-"

"Say no more, I'm in." Shryke told him.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, even if there's only five of you, I still got a good feeling about you all. I'll come with ya, and help you find what you're looking for."

Double-D smiled, "That'll be much appreciated."

"Just one thing before we head out, I want to say goodbye to Crumblejon."

Double-D checked his notes, "You have mentioned him several times, who is he?"

Shryke shrugged, "I'm not too sure, but he helped me settle in here, I feel like I owe him to at least say goodbye."

…

Meanwhile, Eddy was counting all twelve thousand cats that were given to him for the two Fog Prince heads.

"Is that money?" Beep asked.

"You bet your bug eyes, Beeper!" Eddy told him, "All these wonderful coins can get us anything we want!"

"How so? Beep!"

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services!" Ed explained.

"Like a bigger sword, or a shinier sword, or a sharper sword." Ruka gave a few examples.

"You must really like swords." Beep commented.

"Who doesn't?" Ed asked.

…

Back to Double-D and Shryke, they were in another bar where they approached a shirtless old man with a wild head of white hair, a beard, and a bent back which carried a massive sword who was drinking a frothy mug of water.

"Oi, Crumblejon!" Shryke called out.

The old man turned around and grinned at Shryke, "What? You want to give me a massage after all?"

Shryke scoffed, "Yeah, right. I'm leaving town. Thought you should know."

Crumblejon nodded, "Alright, see you in twenty minutes."

"I'm serious this time! I even found a group that'll help me leave this Narko-forsaken place!"

Crumblejon now seemed to realize Double-D was standing next to her and looked at him curiously, "You boy, show me your palms." he ordered.

Double-D awkwardly held out his hands, "Um…okay?"

Crumblejon leaned in and eyed Double-D's hands, "Yes…you never held a weapon in your life."

Double-D shook his head, "N-No, I haven't. How could you tell?"

Crumblejon set his mug down and stood up, back still bent, the sound of bones cracking rang out as he moved. He let his arms hang down at his sides and looked at Double-D with piercing eyes, "Boy, I've been killing folks not much older than you long before you were a spark in both of your parents' eyes. I've fought for, alongside, and against many people in my life. That kind of experience comes with benefits…you seem to be a soft boy who's very out of place, as if you were just born a few days ago."

Double-D wasn't comfortable at all hearing all this, "Ah, no, I…um…"

"Figuratively speaking."

Shryke turned her attention to Double-D, "Say…where exactly are you from? The Holy Nation?"

Double-D shook his head, "No! Not from that backwards place!"

"Seems you ran afoul of them already." Crumblejon surmised.

"Yes, well…" Double-D looked around, most of the folks in the bar weren't paying attention, as they were more than likely inebriated. He took a deep breath, "Would you two believe me if I said I was not from this world?"

Shryke and Crumblejon paused for a moment.

"…I think I might still be a bit drunk." Shryke remarked.

Crumblejon shook his head, "Don't be so skeptical, I've seen many crazy things in this world already, someone from another world wouldn't reach the top ten."

"It's a bit of a story, and I don't feel too comfortable telling it here…" Double-D looked around again, noticing that a couple of patrons at the bar were starting to look at him.

"I see, you can tell me all about it later then. Maybe on the road." Crumblejon told him.

"Excuse me?" Double-D asked.

"Wait, you want to come along?" Shryke asked.

Crumblejon nodded, "There's something interesting about this boy, I haven't met anyone like him. It's interesting enough to bring me out of retirement."

Double-D scratched his head, "I don't know, you seem very-"

"Old? Yeah, no shit. I'm at least fif-er forty-five. It isn't like I keep track. I do know I'm much older than most people, and that's an accomplishment in this world. Most men like me don't live to be half my age."

Double-D smiled nervously, "I am not doubting your experience but…well, your physical condition is-"

"I know I'm not in the shape I used to be, but I could still kick your skinny behind all over town."

Double-D nodded, "That won't be necessary sir, welcome to the group."

With that, Double-D, Shryke, and Crumblejon left the bar before any more commotion could happen, and they just happened to run into Eddy, Ed, Ruka, and Beep coming out of a weapons shop. Ed and Eddy playing around with newly purchased weapons.

"Look Eddy! Now I am a NINJA WARRIOR!" Ed exclaimed as he swung his katana around wildly.

"Yeah? Well, with my new whuppin' stick, I'll beat some sense into ya!" Eddy told him as he patted a hefty club in one hand.

The two of them started play-fighting with Beep and Ruka cheering one or the other on.

Shryke pointed and laughed at them while Double-D's face went beet red.

"Friends of yours?" Crumblejon asked.

"...I've never met these people in my life." Double-D lied.