Chapter 83*

Aria's POV*

She left.

The door had swung shut behind her. Leaving me completely alone. The single light that was on in the living room wasn't enough to drive out the shadows that threatened to consume me. Like icy tendrils coiling up and around me, stealing any semblance of warmth and comfort from the air. I wanted to drop to the floor. To collapse into a shivering mess of tears in a pathetic pile. My legs didn't feel like they would be able to support me.

I needed heat. Needed to chase away the cold that had filled me deep down. That kept dragging me back to the dollhouse, to my freezing room. To the cold metal slab. Huddling with the girls in the rain and cold night air. Curling up with my family. Cold lingering through my memories, shaking me and destroying any peace or happiness that I remembered. It was all cold. Taking over everything

I had known she would leave. The idea that she would have accepted me, that she would have stuck through things was too far from the realm of possibility. She always left. I had known that for years. And I knew that I deserved it. Deep down knew that I wasn't wanted.

I had lied to my family. To everyone for years. Been able to hide so much from them all. Even to my best friends. I had managed to trick everyone into thinking that I was someone I wasn't. And it was bound to come crashing down around me eventually. And tonight had been the tipping point for my mom. The last straw before the camel collapsed. She had seen the truth tonight. Pulled back the curtain and revealed what a fraud I was.

As much as I knew that Charles was a monster. I knew that I wasn't really any better. The things that I had done. The people that I had hurt. It threatened to crush me. And I realized that it was a good thing for her to leave. That it was better this way. One less person for me to hurt. To drag down with me. To get caught up in the anger that ripped through me and left nothing but devastation.

Somehow I had managed to make my way upstairs. Moving through the dark upstairs to the bathroom. Blinking at the darkness, I hit the light switch. My face stared back at me from the mirror. Mascara and liner had streaked down my face, unable to stand up to the torrent of tears that had fallen tonight. The highlighter that I had spread across my cheekbones looked garish, paired with too bright pink lip gloss that had worn down at the center. I looked a disaster. Pathetic. The urge to vomit rose up, but I swallowed it down. Exhaustion keeping me separate from reality. Mint toothpaste helped to wash some of the lingering taste of vomit from my mouth, brush scraping against my gums and tongue roughly, with too much force as I tried to scour my mouth. After spitting out the foam, I moved to turn on the shower, cranking the heat up as high as I could.

My hands were shaking, as I made sure that the door was securely locked. It felt like my chest was constricting, breathing becoming more difficult as the air began to fill with steam. I yanked my leather jacket off, dropping it to the floor in a heap. Soon joined by my dress and bra. I practically tore off the necklace, fingers struggling to get the clasp undone. And my ears ached from the way I ripped my earrings out. The clinging stretch of my tights felt like they were strangling me. My fingers tore through the thin fabric, the shredding sound so loud in my ears as I ripped them off, stumbling into one of the walls as I tried to get out of them.

I shoved myself under the spray of searing hot water. The heat intense enough to burn my skin. With a wracking sob, I collapsed under the spray. Letting it scorch my skin with brutal intensity.

I couldn't hold back the tide of emotions anymore. Brain skittering back and forth between everything that had happened tonight. The pain that had resurfaced from the myriad cuts and bruises across my body. Marks that had healed, that weren't visible anymore. But still tore at me. The way that my ribs ached. The cramping ache in my lower belly, feeling like I was about to start bleeding again, curling into a ball on the shower floor not enough to reduce the pain. The anger at my mom for not being there. For blaming me for what had happened. That if I had just told her what was going on it would have changed things. Could have prevented the pain that echoed through my entire being. Wiped away the weeks of torture, starvation, and agony that had consumed me. It made me furious, and sick. What if she was right? What if I had done this all to myself. More than just my lies or the awful things that I had done over the years. Everything that had set me up to deserve the punishment and pain that I was going through.

That I could have done something to stop this from happening. From hurting my friends. It made me want to scream. But my voice was trapped, the water that pounded down on me making it hard to breathe. Instead, I shook beneath the spray of water, despite the scorching heat pouring into me.

The sneering way that my mom had said Jason's name earlier sounded through my head again. Her blaming him for me trusting him. Her hating Jason and Ali. It sparked anger that I didn't know I even had the energy for anymore. I hated hearing her talk about them like that. Blaming them for what had happened to me. I couldn't believe she would dare to blame them, when she didn't seem to accept that she had stopped being there to protect me long ago. And for her to go after Jason, who physically protected me from Charles, held my hand and soothed me when I struggled. Slowly he had worked his way into my life, more than he ever had been before. There to support me through the hell that had been my life recently. Despite me trying to keep him at a distance. I didn't deserve the support. But I still wanted it. Wanted him.

Emily had tried to talk me into doing something about it, and I realized with surprise that it had only been yesterday when we had talked. So much had happened since then, and I now realized that she was right. I did want Jason as more than a friend, he was more important to me than that. And that he wasn't afraid to be with me. I combined the stress and anger from the fight with my mom with the utter exhaustion I felt, focusing them together in determination. Yes, I was afraid of a lot right now, but I knew that Jason would be there for me.

I felt like my skin was stinging from the heat of the shower, the hot water heater managing to hold out longer than I needed to pull myself together. But I shut off the water, feeling the cooler air rush against my scorched skin. The towel stung as it scraped against the overheated skin. The shower had probably been too hot. More than I could actually take. I pulled my fluffy robe from the back of the door and headed for my room, the steam from the bathroom billowing out into the darkness with me. Pulling on pajama pants and an oversized sweater, one that hung off my shoulder slightly, leaving more skin exposed to the air than I normally allowed, but the heat that rolled off my skin made up for the difference.

I turned on a few lights as I headed downstairs. The house was quiet around me, completely abandoned, and it set my nerves back on edge. I knew that the cops were outside, hopefully keeping me safe. But it didn't stop the lonely, vulnerable feeling that spread through me. I reached for my phone, debating calling the girls, but I didn't want to have to have check in right now, or deal with the hurt feelings from Spencer and Hanna if they figured out what Charles was talking about on my picture.

Jason: Have you had dinner yet?

I felt a smile pull at my face, solidifying my thought that Jason was the one that I wanted right now. His message reminded me that he had promised to come over tonight, and it was an assurance of how much he cared. That he was checking in on what I needed tonight. Food was the last thing on my mind, my stomach was hollow but the potential twisting and churning that came with eating wasn't something I was looking forward to. I could feel my eyes water, the feeling of not deserving the kindness surging up for a moment, before it could be squashed down. I was going to try and just accept and appreciate what was offered.

Aria: Home. Come over?

The message was short, but it was all I could get out right now. I needed him tonight, needed to have someone who I could trust to hold me and make everything better. To chase away the pain and cold that always threatened to consume me. And more than that, I didn't want to let him go. Maybe my mom had been right in that I wanted him to go with me to the hospital, to take care of me. And maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

My phone vibrated.

Jason: I'm outside.

My heart skipped in my chest, relief and happiness overwhelming me. And it reassured me that Emily was probably right, Jason was going to be there, even with everything terrible that was happening in our lives. And it wouldn't be the worst thing if I skipped ahead, took what I wanted. I had been putting off thinking about a relationship with Jason, worried that I wasn't ready. Or worse, that Jason wouldn't actually want me because of Charles. It felt safer to put off that potential pain and rejection, something I could avoid. I pulled the door open, smiling at the sight of Jason standing before me.

With barely a glance, I threw myself into him, wrapping my arms around him and burying myself in his scent and warmth. I felt his surprise, but he moved us back into the house easily, moving a little to close the door and put something down on a table before he wrapped his arms around me. The safety and security I always felt with Jason radiated through me,

"How are you doing?" he asked, brushing a kiss across the top of my head and sparking heat in my chest.

I loved the way that he did that, the reassurance I had grown so familiar with from the movement. It had been habit for so long, that somehow I had ignored it's meaning. Ignored that it was because he couldn't help but kiss me, even when I wasn't ready for it. I pulled back, looking at his face, the line of his jaw, where the stubble gave him a slightly disheveled look, the little dimple in his chin that was still visible beneath the coarse hair. The way that his hair fell slightly into his face, the gel that had been holding it in place at the gallery washed away now. And those beautiful green eyes that were fixed on me. I could feel my heart racing, need coursing through me. I wasn't afraid now. My hand moved up, grasping the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. And I surged upwards, desperate to kiss him. Claim his lips. Move forward. His warm breath against my face drove me further, I moved my lips against him. His stubble scratched lightly at my face, lips still for a moment, before he responded. I parted my lips, reaching out to trace his mouth with the tip of my tongue. He opened his mouth, moving us deeper into the kiss. Desire surged up through me as I tasted his mouth, his warm breath moving between us. My body pressed against his, feeling the firm hold he had on me, hand diving into my hair and causing drops of water to splash onto my skin from my soaked hair. I tilted my head, deepening the kiss, feeling the hard planes of his body against mine. I wanted to lose myself in the sensation. The heat between us threatening to consume me.

And then he pulled away, stepping back from me. And the cold rushed back in.

I could feel the loss of the kiss. The separation that came between us. His face was set, not looking at me. But he was holding me away from him. Hands on my waist as though he didn't want me any closer. And confusion rose up through me.

"Jason?" I questioned, wondering what had just happened. The magical moment that had erupted between us had been smothered.

"Are you okay?" he avoided answering me, pulling further away, despite the way that he looked me over.

It felt like a gulf was forming between us. And doubt filled me. Regret that I had dared to try and move things forward with him. That this had been a mistake. Had Emily been wrong? Had I been wrong about this? I had thought that he wanted me, wanted to be with me. Insecurity like I hadn't felt before, not since finding out that the reason Ezra had started dating me was for a book. I felt unwanted. Despite the fact that Jason was brushing the hair from my face and looking me over.

"Are you okay?" he asked again, as though we hadn't just kissed. As though he hadn't just rejected me.

"No." I managed to get out, feeling like I was about to cry, my eyes were watering and I could feel my lips trembling with the desire to break down. I could feel my body start to shake. What heat had lasted from the shower to now quickly abandoning me.

He pulled me in tightly to a hug, and I flinched at the feeling. It felt wrong to accept comfort, like I deserved the miserable feeling that I had. He didn't want me. It was hard to come to terms with. To recognize that he had changed his mind, and was really only my friend. I could feel sobs working through my chest, the rejection too much on top of everything else tonight.

"It's going to be okay. We'll figure it out." he soothed, rubbing circles into my back, as though it wasn't because of him that I was crying. That we would handle things together. It stung.

I let the tears out, holding tightly to Jason as I worked through the feelings. It wasn't his fault that I had misunderstood. Had thought that he wanted something more. That was on me. I had looked back on things and taken all the time that we had spent together, and it had seemed almost as though we were already dating. But I had been wrong.

I managed to get my feelings under control. It wasn't fair to go to him for comfort for this. I pulled away after a few minutes, brushing away the tears from my face. I could hold myself together, not break down. Even if it was hard to have Jason here when I had thought that I could go to him for safety and reassurace.

"Have you eaten anything tonight?" he changed the subject, moving away from the uncomfortable situation we had been in.

"No, I haven't." eating had been the last thing on my mind, hunger not even a thought after the gallery and the hospital. Not to mention the fight with my mom.

"Pizza or ice cream first?" he offered, holding out a bag towards me.

I took a look inside, there was a frozen pizza that seemed to be completely vegetarian, and a small container of my favorite comfort icecream. I hadn't even realized he was paying attention the other day when I picked the same flavor for while we curled up and watched movies while I waited for the cramping to begin after taking the pills. It warmed my heart a little, despite how confusing it was. That he paid that much attention, but didn't want me. I still smiled at the gesture, appreciating the care that he was taking.

"Pizza." I answered, knowing it would be the better option. I'd probably switch to the icecream after he left.

I pulled him into the kitchen with me, appreciating the contact. And knowing it was at least something he would tolerate. It was going to be hard to stop doing these things with him. I couldn't keep putting myself in these situations, I realized. As soon as we made it into the kitchen I let go of his hand. I needed to start making more space, starting now I would make sure that I wasn't putting him in an uncomfortable situation. I checked the temperature on the box and quickly set the oven, tossing the icecream into the freezer, I leaned back against the stove, feeling the warmth slowly start to grow behind me.

"Did they say anything at the hospital?" he questioned, starting in on the awkward conversation.

I didn't know if it was a good thing that he wasn't addressing the elephant in the room. But I could try to keep things as normal as possible, despite the way that my heart was clenching in pain.

"Not really, they made me get an EKG and blood test, but were okay with me coming home tonight." I shrugged at the question, determined to act as normal as possible. "Do you want something to drink?

Getting him something to drink would at least distract me from the way that he was leaning back against the counter across from me. He was tall and lean, the muscles in his stomach and arms flexing through his hoodie and t-shirt. I felt my mouth run dry at the sight. I needed to remember that I was trying to keep things platonic. But it hurt to see him relaxed like that, completely at ease when I felt so awkward.

"I'm alright." he offered with a light smile, dismissing my attempt to distract him, when he was distracting me with the way his dimples showed when he smiled. "So nothing else happened?"

I could feel the start of a frown forming, I didn't know what he was talking about. Was there something that he was expecting? Something that I should have known about? I tried to think through things, guessing what he wanted to talk about.

"I talked to some FBI agent, he wanted to know who all knew about the abortion before tonight." I tried throwing out, trying to keep my tone normal, despite the term that I used. I hated to say it out loud. But I thought maybe it would help me keep more under control. Remember what my life had become.

He leaned back further, crossing his arms and making his biceps flex enticingly. I swallowed, looking away from him. This was harder than I remembered. And the sharp sting of rejection rose back up. I didn't want to talk tonight.

"Agent Reid, yeah?" he verified, and I guess that meant that he had spoken to the FBI agent as well. Had he gone to the gallery before coming to the hospital? I guess that made sense, he would want to have all the information possible. And him talking to Emily and Jason would explain how he knew about the abortion. Given the fact that I didn't think anyone else was aware. Not that he would have talked to at least. I didn't think that the hospital staff would have disclosed that, it was probably against confidentiality. Despite how they had fumbled that with my mom.

"Yep, he thought maybe it was someone who knew ahead of time and could get things set up. But didn't want to make me answer any more questions tonight." I had appreciated that at least, the FBI agent seemed to actually care about how I was feeling. Which was something right now. "Which is why I'm going to have to go back and do a full interview with him later."

Jason absorbed that information, I couldn't keep my eyes off his expression, and he seemed to be thinking through that. It probably meant that he was going to have to talk to the FBI agent as well. Since he knew about the abortion ahead of time. I flinched internally at the wording again, forcing myself to continue using it. Keeping myself grounded.

"He said that he wants to meet with all of the girls, and me." he informed me, and I appreciated the information.

I shrugged, accepting what he had to say. It made sense. He had become a part of this a while ago, maybe when we started spending so much time together. And I felt the fear that he was going through all of this for no reason. And it was all my fault. If I didn't need him so much, if I didn't keep turning to him when I needed support, someone to hold me, then maybe he wouldn't have to have interviews with the FBI.

Suddenly, I felt movement and Jason was there. Stanidng in front of me, taking up all my attention. The scent of his cologne filled my lungs. My mouth went dry, this wasn't fair. I was trying to maintain space. And he was coming right next to me. Using my desire for him against me. It was distracting at best. And intentionally cruel at worst. His head dipped forward, leaning in closer to me, hair falling in front of his eyes. It darkened his gaze, the focus he had on me. I couldn't handle looking at him.

"Is that all that's bothering you?" he asked, voice dropping lower to something intimate.

I felt my heart sink into my stomach. Eyes starting to water. I couldn't do this. Couldn't ignore the fact that he had just rejected me. Not like he could. I couldn't hold the fact that he no longer wanted me against him. But did he have to make it this hard. It was hard enough to think when he was next to me like this. His body heat seeping into me, making me want to relax. But I couldn't, I couldn't relax when he was staring at me like that. Couldn't push down the hurt that made me want to sink into the floor. I couldn't hold this in. Couldn't pretend anymore.

"Do you think I'm broken?" The question came out before I could stop it. That wasn't fair to put on him. But I couldn't stop myself. Couldn't stop the flood of emotion that was surging over me.

"You're not broken. Why would you ask that?" he sounded confused, like he didn't understand what was going on. How could he not understand? He was the one who didn't want me. Isn't that why?

I glanced up at him, his eyes were closed. He couldn't even look at me. I wanted to sob. To break down and go back to hiding in the shower. This hurt too much. I couldn't even dodge the conversation. He had me between him and the oven. Warmth in front and behind. But it wasn't enough to get me to stop shaking.

"Why else wouldn't you want me anymore?" I whispered the question, terrified of the answer.

I needed to know. Needed to understand what else could have possibly changed. I didn't want to look at him. Didn't want to see the look on his face. Have to accept what he meant. He gripped my chin in his hand, lifting my face up towards him. I kept my eyes down. Half convinced that if I didn't look at him, I woudln't have to see the truth in his face. Accept that he had changed his mind about me.

Suddenly, his lips were on mine. It wasn't gentle, or overly rough. Instead it was an intense pressure, bringing him further into me. I didn't understand. Didn't follow what had just happened. Was this him trying to make me feel better? I felt tears pouring down my face, confusion and hurt mixing together. I let my lips open, a silent invitation for him to take this further. And he accepted, tongue sliding into my mouth. It didn't make sense. Didn't explain what was going on. But as he pressed further into me, gripping my back and holding me close, I didn't care. I gasped at the intensity of the sensation, desire soaring through me. I didn't want this to end. I leaned further into him, leaving the stove behind.

Then he started to pull away. Ending the kiss as easily as he had started it. I wanted to scream. Looking up at him, watching the look of sadness on his face. The regret. It burned me up. This was so frustrating. Looking up into his face, I realized that there was no coming back from this. We had already passed the point of no return. We wouldn't be able to go back to being just friends. I made a decision, if this was going to be it, I would at least be able to get one more kiss in. I grabbed his shirt, feeling the fabric bunch up in my fist, and hauled him forward. I pulled him back into a kiss, rougher and fiercer than he had led. I surged up into him, desperate to hold onto this moment. If nothing else, I wanted to take his breath away once. Know that despite everything that had happened I had made him want me for even a moment.

He leaned back into me, apparently willing to go along with me in the moment. I'd deal with the consequences later. Right now, this was what I needed. Something to make me forget everything else. My fingers wove through his hair, gripping him tightly to me. Locking our lips together and existing in this moment. I tried to make it last as long as possible, never wanting to go back to the real world. But eventually, I had to seperate from him, breath coming out in gasps as I struggled for air.

One of his hands moved from my neck to brush the hair from my face, holding my head in place. He pressed our foreheads together, keeping our breathing mingled together. He looked me in the eye, his pupils wide enough that I could barely see the color. But I saw the flush on his face, the way that his lips were pinker than before. I licked my lips at the sight of his face. Enjoying the appearance, and taking that moment of achievement. His gaze darted down to my mouth again, and I felt my heartbeat picking up.

"You're not broken, you're perfect." his voice came out, rougher than I ever remembered hearing it, and my heart squeezed painfully with hope. "And I will always want you."

I gasped, shocked at the words he choose. And the intensity in his face and voice. I felt my knees go weak, holding on to him the main thing keeping me upright. He leaned back in, kissing me again. And it was so easy to forget myself in the moment. To relax into his arms, exist in only this moment. And forget about everything else in the world. When we separated again, I leaned back against the counter, focusing on my breathing. His hand moved down from my hair to rub across my shoulder and down my arm. I couldn't keep the smile from my face, and looking at Jason, he apparently couldn't either.

"Let's get the pizza in the oven." he directed, pulling a little back from me, but not breaking contact.

I loved the heat that came from where his hand still lingered on my waist. So different from the way that he had moved away from me. My heartrate was soaring, the jittering of my nerves about going forward was unfamiliar. It had been a while since I had been in a new relationship, been in this uncertain place between kissing and having an actual conversation about it. It was uncomfortable, but exciting. I wanted to linger in this moment, revel in the sensation. But also wanted to move forward. It was a tricky balance to maintain. Between just wanting to go back to kissing him, and making plans for the future. His arms wrapped around me as I turned to get the pizza in the oven, my body relaxing back into his grip. Then once it was in I leaned fully back into him, feeling the way that his cheek rested against the top of my head. He was so much taller than I was, but I loved the sensation.

With a smile, I turned around in his arms. A plan for the future already forming in my mind, I didn't know what it would look like, but that didn't mean that I was afraid to ask him.

"Will you go to prom with me?" It felt like such a juvenile question, something that should have already been left behind in our lives. I didn't feel like I was still in high school, the break from my regular pattern felt like I had already moved forward.

"I'd love to." he responded, before dipping his head back down to kiss me.

I felt like I was floating on air. Happiness that I hadn't felt in a long time buoying my mood. The bright feeling wouldn't last forever, but as I lost myself in his kiss, I didn't care. I felt myself lifted up, strong hands picking me up and suddenly I was sitting on the counter behind me. No longer having to stretch so much to reach Jason, and he wasn't leaning down as much. I moved my legs apart, letting him come in closer to me.

There was the sound of someone clearing their throat. And Jason pulled back slightly from me. I could feel a flush of embarrassment on my face, as I peered around Jason to see my dad and Mike standing in the entryway of the kitchen.

"How was the banquet?"

End Chapter*

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