Chapter 80, everybody! A day that will live in infamy...because it's Pearl Harbor Day, not because I updated. ;
George is quoting Captain Jack from the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, by the way, while Remus is quoting Big Hero 6 and Sirius and Remus are both quoting The Emperor's New Groove and The Road to El Dorado. The slinkie incident comes from a Tumblr post and was, of course, the fault of the twins. As for Valentine's...I had that written ages in advance and it surprisingly survived a lot of rewrites and edits intact. Dumbledore's beard is in reference to Saphroneth's Harry Is a Dragon, and That's Okay, I likely will never stop recommending that fic it's good stuff.
Th3Hybr1d, thanks for the review! Glad you liked the end result (and the pleasant mischief X'D)!
Engineer1869, thanks for the review! YES. We can neither confirm nor deny this, but that sounds likely. XD
Thanks for the review, guest! They are! :D
Harry Potter © 1997 J.K. Rowling
News of Umbridge's arrest quickly spread and classes were cancelled the next day—mostly because the teachers could not and would not restore order, everyone was far too happy to see the back end of her.
According to Luna, Quillby was having a field day with reporting on Umbridge and Fudge's arrests, although the cake went to the Weasley family when he reported—ahead of the Prophet—that one Percy Weasley was slated to be the new minister of magic.
"There'll be no living with him after this," George commiserated over breakfast.
"Utterly insufferable," Fred agreed. "It'll be worse than when he learned to apparate."
"What are we going to do with him, Fred."
"Our whole family and us the only pranksters."
"No seriously I want suggestions."
"You guys still have me," Ginny pointed out.
"This is true," Fred agreed.
"It is, but you've got an appalling lack of rulebreaking under your belt," George told her. "Ideally you should have a folder in Filch's office several inches thick by now."
"It's being a girl that did it," Ginny told them. "People are more inclined to think I'm innocent."
Fred perked at this. "Ah, something we can work with."
"The only problem is, if you do a prank in the girls' dorm it'd trace back to you too easily," George mused. "Only girls are allowed in those dorms, after all."
"They are?" Harry asked, looking up from the article he was reading.
"Ah, dear Harry, outing the fact that you never tried the other stairs."
"They also don't allow blokes in dresses up there either," Fred said.
"Or going through the window," George added.
"Even if your Quidditch mates open them for you."
"Why do you two want in there so badly?" Hermione demanded.
"It's the principle of it."
"The castle says no, and thus we're obligated to seek out loopholes," George agreed.
"I swear I don't understand you two," Hermione said, shaking her head.
"We've finally found a subject she's no good at," Fred said, exchanging grins with George—and ducking the pumpkin pasty Hermione threw at him. "Ah-ah-ah, no throwing food in the great hall, lest we start another one of those food fights."
"And we were wanting to save it for a special occasion," George agreed.
"How do you live with them," Hermione asked Ginny.
"With aplomb," Ginny said, toasting her brothers.
In other news, part of the reason Fudge had gotten sacked was a mass outbreak at Azkaban, which had just given Mrs. Longbottom more ammo in her campaign against him. Said outbreak was the main topic anyone talked about, although Harry did take some time out to ask Neville why Mrs. Longbottom didn't take the minister job.
"Not saying she wouldn't be good at it, but she's never been interested in it," Neville admitted. "Something about having to deal with too many dunces." Which, in his limited experience with politics, Harry was inclined to agree with.
Neville, meanwhile, had quickly earned the title of most improved in Defense, having learned that Bellatrix Lestrange had escaped—although, in his organizing of the Defense Tutor Club (which had replaced the Defense class proper), Harry was quick to note that anyone who had been directly affected by the Death Eaters were improving rapidly. They, unlike others, had seen firsthand what Voldemort's followers were capable of, and they were more than willing to make sure they'd go down fighting.
In all, between Defense doing well and Ron finally improving in Quidditch (thanks to the concentrated efforts of everyone on the team) Harry really only had one complaint: that he wasn't progressing in Occulmency as well as he would have liked. Sure, he could get himself wound down quickly enough, and the Yoga club had finally become a thing thanks to no more Umbridge, but keeping all the thoughts in his head as his thoughts had become a battle of wills—and frankly it was irritating him. It had finally gotten to the point that when Harry fell into the dream again, even after all that work, that he pointedly turned round and yelled at the blackness at the other end of the hall "Find something else to think about, won't you!?"
"You think You-Know-Who heard that?" Ron asked him when he related this the next morning.
"At this point, I don't care," Harry admitted. "It's been driving me nuts and I want it to stop."
Ron, by Snips' estimation, wasn't much good at Occulmency either, but he was able to bring it up to Professor Trelawney, who had been reinstated and was now sharing the post with Firenze, mostly to her irritation.
"You get them in the same room and half the class is spent arguing whether one translation is more accurate than the other," Ron reported. "I'm thinking she should have taken the rest of the year off."
"Probably," Harry said as they headed down to Hagrid's—Care of Magical Creatures had once again returned to form, although for this class they were only covering Nundus from their books. Hagrid claimed he had gotten one lined up for them, but the school board had quickly shut that down, citing concerns over the Nundu's ability to spread disease with its breath.
Hagrid, meanwhile, still looked like he was engaging in boxing matches with a troll, and considering Hagrid still refused to tell them what it was he was doing to earn such a look, that was the explanation they were sticking with.
"It would explain why Firenze keeps saying the attempt is failing," Ron said. "Anyone could tell that just by looking at him."
Harry nodded, going back to his notes on Defense and what to teach at the next meeting.
"So I have a question," he posed when Hermione finally joined them, having apparently been kicked out of the library due to the time. "If we just rebrand Defense class to a Defense club, is that enough of a workaround to get around whatever curse is supposed to be on the job?"
"I'm reasonably certain the job isn't cursed," Hermione said.
"Have we had a teacher last more than a year yet?" Ron asked her.
"Okay fine but wouldn't Dumbledore have been able to lift it by now?"
This was also a good question, although getting an audience with Dumbledore as of late was dodgy—Harry supposed that him getting his old title as Supreme Mugwump (whatever that meant) back had put his schedule firmly back into busy, but he was starting to get the suspicion that Dumbledore was avoiding him specifically. It was idiotic, but it was also irritating.
Harry had concerns, though.
"I mean, it's nothing, right?" he asked Snips during one homework session, when Ron and Hermione were patrolling the halls. "It's weird that I'd feel that way, but it's probably nothing, right?"
Snips tipped his head, blinked at him—went to the pile of papers and hopped up and down on it before imitating a dog.
"I don't think Sirius will have an answer for me irrationally hating someone, but writing him might make me feel better, yeah," Harry agreed, grabbing a quill.
Hedwig was quite pleased to be able to deliver Harry's letter direct to him a few mornings later, and Harry was quite pleased to let her eat his bacon while he read it.
Dear Harry,
I am pleased to inform you that irrational emotions are a sign of being a teenager, congratulations you have made it. Enclosed you will find two sickles, see if Nobsee is still working in the kitchens, he's good for getting butterbeer without asking any questions.
Moving on—unfortunately these pubescent mood swings (Moony's wording, not mine) are going to be commonplace for a while. I highly recommend channeling that energy into pranks. Professor McGonagall sent me your school records last term and I have to say I am appalled by your lack of detentions, but heartened because it means you can get away with more now that you have something of a reputation as a good kid.
Attached you will find a small list of starter pranks, please send me the date of your next Hogsmeade trip so we can discuss further in person. First rule of pranksters: don't commit too much to paper, it's incriminating. If you're unsure about venturing out into the prankster world just yet, ask Fred and George nicely—I'm sure they'd be happy to help.
See you soon, pup! Don't get caught!
"Oh yes, these are nice starter pranks," George said when Harry showed them the letter.
"And Nobsee is still working here," Fred added.
"Now it's just the question of whether we include the prefect or not."
"To be fair, we've been so busy with high-stakes stuff that we've not had the time for like, run-of-the-mill pranks," Ron agreed. "I'm game."
"Ron, you're supposed to be setting an example," Hermione chided. "And I don't see how engaging in pranks is going to improve anything."
"Hermione doesn't approve—I'm in."
"Good on you, mate," George said, giving Ron a one-armed hug as Hermione left in a huff to go sit next to the Patil twins.
"Finally, our brother engaging in behavior we can be proud of," Fred said, wiping away fake tears.
Snips flew away to sit with Hermione shortly after that.
"There he is!" Sirius greeted next Hogsmeade trip, arms out. "Oh wait are hugs still cool or have we graduated to handshakes?"
"Hugs are still cool," Harry said, hugging Sirius—and then Remus. "You want to eat lunch first?"
"I will never turn down a meal. Is Ron joining us?" Sirius asked, looking at Ron. "Just saying having a prefect on the side of pranking smooths a lot of things out."
"I'm here as the voice of reason," Remus said.
"I'm mostly interested," Ron said.
"Well hello mostly interested, I'm Sirius about pranks," Sirius said. "Come on—we'll eat first and then get into the nitty-gritty of it all."
"Now, the first thing we want to nail down is what kind of prankster you think you are," Sirius said as they browsed Zonkos. "But across the board, dungbombs are usually a safe bet."
"I'm thinking nothing that makes me be a total berk," Harry said. "Like harmless stuff. Sending a great big herd of slinkies all the way down the steps kind of stuff."
"That was wicked," Ron said, nodding.
"And is why I am funding your brother's joke shop," Sirius agreed. "Let's see…changing people's hair color is generally harmless. Ooh this—this one changes your hair color every five minutes—we soaked some lemon drops in them and gave them to Dumbledore one time—the old codger loved it. Might be worthwhile as a starter prank, the real trick is conniving him into eating one."
"Invite him to my dorm and offer him a lemon drop?" Harry wondered.
"Ah, how the turntables turn—sneaking into the teacher's lounge is another viable option, they have meetings there on Thursdays, right Remus?"
"Not now, Sirius, I'm trying to lead Ron down the path of good," Remus said.
"You do that—I'll lead Harry down the path that rocks."
"I'm still on the fence, personally," Ron said. "On the one hand, yes pranks. On the other…Hermione is scary."
"Hermione is scary," Harry agreed.
"I'll grant you that," Sirius said, nodding. "Hey!" he barked at the store attendant. "Do you know if you still stock Booger Birds? That one is, every time a person sneezes they end up summoning a cloud of birds—real easy to do, best part is that unless someone has a sneezing fit right as they eat it they'll never know. Ooh, Valentine's coming up, best time to send anonymous candies."
"Fred and George are already mass-producing cards that explode glitter in the reader's faces," Ron reported. "Remember that one, Harry?"
"Yeah," Harry said—looked at Sirius. "You have to blow the glitter off, otherwise it does a ton of other stuff."
"Glitter is definitely a most determined foe," Remus agreed.
"Agreed," Sirius said. "And this is again why I am funding them that's some good stuff right there."
Thus armed, Harry and Ron retreated to one of Fred and George's hidey-holes, getting Neville in on the whole thing and being kind of concerned when he had a lot to bring to the table.
"I have five years to make up for," Neville reported.
Colin Creevey was also recruited, mostly to document everything and send it back to Sirius and Remus. And thus, by the time Valentine's rolled around, they were quite ready for it.
Hogwarts was not.
Breakfast did not disappoint, and it was impossible to see anyone who hadn't gotten glitter on them (it was agreed that any warding against the glitter would just out them as the culprits). They had asked the house elves nicely, after explaining that none of the prank materials were dangerous and asking if they knew if anyone would have a bad reaction (Mipsy from the hospital wing had examined it all and assured them that nothing bad would happen), and thus they were assured of total coverage.
Breakfast was total bedlam, and by the time people gave up and headed to class they were having to wade through several inches of glitter. Dumbledore, meanwhile, was quite pleased with his multicolored beard now thoroughly adorned with glitter, and had made no effort to banish the glitter from anywhere except his tea—which ended with a full cup of glitter that belted out showtunes, to the growing cacophony in the hall.
But oh they were not done—Neville, with his skill in Herbology and Charms, had not only enchanted all the bushes surrounding the castle to serenade people walking by, but also the plants in the greenhouses. Most students were stunned at the venomous tentaculas singing a barbershop quartet, although Professor Sprout was honestly impressed.
Quidditch practice and flying lessons saw rainbows trailing from every broom while in flight. Lunch saw the owls flying back in to release fireworks that showered even more glitter on their victims. Classes were interrupted by delivered howlers that screamed compliments ("YOU HAVE WONDERFUL EYES!"). Glitter bombs were lobbed whenever the teachers or prefects' backs were turned. Small bouquets of flowers ran after people in a mad bid to hand cards to them. Said cards had more glitter.
It was referred to as the Great Glitter Incident, cumulated with the owls swooping in at dinner again and letting loose more glitter-laced fireworks, sprinkled through with sneezing powder.
There was a very impressive cloud of birds that resisted all attempts at banishing that evening.
It was all topped off by another impressive display of Weasley Wizard Wheezes fireworks that spent most of the night zooming around the castle—and down into the Slytherin and Hufflepuff dorms so they weren't left out.
It took until finals for all the glitter to finally disperse.
"So what do you think?" Harry asked Ron that night, dusting more glitter out of his hair. "Think Sirius and Remus will be impressed?"
"I mean I know I am," Ron said. Looked at Snips, looking sour in all his glittery glory. "Not sure about Snips."
"I guess we'll see," Harry agreed, settling into bed. He did have to admit, he felt much better for all the pranking. "Sorry, Snips, but Sirius was right."
Snips just sighed and shook his head at that.
Sirius and Remus' opinion on the Great Glitter Incident was made known about a week after Harry sent them copies of the pictures Colin developed.
Said opinion had been delivered by Howler, which zipped to the center of the great hall before activating.
"WE ARE MOST PLEASED!" Remus and Sirius bellowed. "IN THE NAME OF THE MARAUDERS WE DECLARE THIS PRANKFEST TO BE OF UTMOST QUALITY AND TRUE TO OUR IDEALS! WE WISH: TO BASK!"
No one reacted for five very long minutes after the howler ripped itself to shreds.
Fred and George finally broke at being so complimented by their childhood heroes, leaping up and cheering and thumping Harry and Ron on the back before moving on to Neville and Colin.
Harry supposed this was the part where they got into trouble.
It was, considering they were all sitting in Dumbledore's office not an hour later, accepting tea and turning down the lemon drops (Ron had succeeded in doctoring them during one of the prefect meetings).
Once settled, Dumbledore simply sat behind his desk and lightly tapped his fingers on it, staring into his tea like he hoped he could read an answer there.
"I must confess, I am at a loss as to what to do," he said finally. "Careful consideration of the event and everything involved has your worst offenses being Zonko's products—despite being heavily modified, you must enlighten me on how—being brought onto school grounds, giving your fellows doctored foods without their consent, and possibly noise ordinances. At worst, these require detentions and me giving you a stern lecture." Nod. "Of course, careful examination of everything involved also shows that every care was taken to avoid harm to the student body. Although I must express concern at the house elves being so easily swayed."
"They're all secretly pranksters," Fred offered.
George nodded assent. "Their greatest prank is tricking us into letting them clean our houses."
"Ah, how cunning," Dumbledore said, pensive. "But back to the point of your punishment…I feel like tasking you to clean all the glitter up without magic would be a tad excessive."
"It would take a while," Fred agreed.
"But I also think that cleaning at least some of it up would be beneficial. At least the great hall. So Filch doesn't go through with his threat to quit his job."
Neville clapped a hand over Ron's mouth.
"Yes, well, Argus does perform a grand service and we should appreciate him more," Dumbledore said, acknowledging what Neville had prevented Ron from saying. "Although, unofficially, I'd like to compliment you boys on such impressive magic. I do hope you understand why I can't give you points for it, though."
"We understand, professor," Fred said.
"We also understand it was awesome and promise you can purchase said bits of magic come summer," George reported. "We got a location, the merchandise is down, and we'll be up and running as soon as school's over."
"I'll be certain to mark my calendar. You are jotting this down, correct?" Dumbledore asked his quill, which did its best impression of a salute.
A full-page color ad in the Quibbler advertising Weasley Wizard Wheezes and sporting Dumbledore posing with a rainbow beard was definitely impressive advertising, no one could deny that.