Chapter 20

John felt no pain. He could tell when someone touched or moved him, but nothing of the gnawing agony he'd experienced before. Whether this was due to Primus or the doctors who busied around him, he wasn't sure, but it was a blessed relief, regardless.

So many people filled his little world now. Other teams had arrived and everyone congregated outside to discuss plans for the upcoming retrieval mission.

While John was in no pain, he sensed himself slipping further from reality. He spent more time in a dreamlike state than awake. Though the doctors filled his failing body with fluids and nutrients, the damage caused by the Goh seemed permanent. Maybe he was too weak when treatment started, or maybe he never stood a chance to survive this encounter. He wasn't sure if anyone noticed his weakening, certain he presented so ill it might be missed by a casual glance. John was aware that Carson continually monitored him and should notice his decline. But it was more than just the failure of his bodily systems, John felt himself diminishing in consciousness. As if his mind was already shutting down ahead of his body's demise. It was such a gradual happening that it was some time before John himself noticed it. First, it was the inability to stay conscious for long periods of time. Then, once Primus connected him to the synaptic interface, it became the inability to focus even on that. Maybe this was what death was, a gradual diminishing of awareness that continued until not one spark of thought remained. He'd been so close to death on many occasions, but this was the first time he'd experienced anything like this.

Maybe because I really am dying this time, he thought.

He wasn't scared to die. He would exist, then he would not. Fear had no place in the mechanism. People feared the unknown, what might become of them once their soul slipped from their dead body. But John was past caring about such notions. He accepted his fate and with this acceptance came a calm that soothed what remained of his conscious self.

You must fight, John Sheppard.

"What's the point, Primus. I'm pretty sure I'm past the point of no return."

Not quite yet.

"Why do you care?"

Because you do.

It took John a second to understand what Primus meant.

"It was the right thing to do."

Perhaps, Primus replied. You chose to use your last words with your loved ones to save my people. Therefore, saving you is the right thing to do.

"Why? Even if you do, I'll never be the same again. I'll never fully recover from this."

I believe you could if you hold on a little longer.

Exhausted, John thought no more and drifted off into his peaceful place once more.

He snapped back into reality when he felt hands on his body, followed by the unnerving sensation of being lifted into the air.

It is time, Sheppard.

"Time for what?"

Time to go home.

The hands holding him gently lowered him onto a soft surface. Something was placed over his face, a mask for oxygen, he surmised. The surface beneath him began to expand, covering his body softly while molding to his shape. He panicked slightly as it covered his face, even though the mask administered oxygen. Had Primus not soothed him, John might have attempted to struggle and cry out, but Primus calmed his weak stirrings and agitated thoughts. Then the substance thickened until it held him secure in a spongy cocoon and John finally understood what was happening.

He must be in the stasis pod Rodney had told him about. This meant they were ready to move him to the Goh planet, ready to take him to the seas of the Goh and attempt to save him.

John thought the act was futile. How water could possibly heal him was beyond him. The very idea was lunacy, but none less than any of his own infamously hairbrained and desperate ideas.

Not lunacy, Sheppard. There is as much desire to save you within them, as there is within you and me to save my kin. That is not lunacy, Sheppard, it is love.

John went to scoff at the suggestion, but Primus was right. He'd seen and heard the desperation in Rodney's voice, he'd seen the tears in Teyla's eyes and the fury in Ronon's expression to know why they fought so hard to save him. John knew exactly why they were taking the risk to visit an alien planet and plunge him in the depths of its seas.

They were a family. He was part of that family. Losing him would hurt them as much as it would if he lost any of them. He'd once tried to explain to Teyla that he would go to the ends of the world for her and the others. He was never able to fully articulate what he wanted to say, but he got the message across, somehow. That same sentiment resided in each of them, so their actions were dictated every bit by the same love he felt for them.

"I guess I can hold on a little longer," he said.

McKay says they are about to activate the pod.

"Alright, time to get the party started."

Party?

"Never mind. What else is McKay saying?"

He asks whether you wish to be awakened if the plan fails.

John's heart stalled at the words. He knew Rodney wasn't asking if he wished to face death with his mind fully aware. He was asking if John wished to say goodbye should the worst happen. He wasn't sure how to reply. Would it be harder saying goodbye now, or later? Later, he was sure. By then they would all be in mourning anyway and he wasn't sure he wished to be around to see it.

"Tell him… tell him no. Tell him…"

Yes?

"Tell them all, thanks for trying. Thanks for being there. Thanks for being my family."

Primus said nothing in reply. For a moment John wondered if the creature had heard his thoughts then his mind was filled with words as Primus directly connected him to the synaptic interface, one last time, with the added bonus of actually hearing their voices through the tablet mic.

"We love you too, John. We have not given up hope yet. If we can save you, we will," Teyla said with the soft and confident tones which had often brought him peace through the years.

"You changed my life. Should the worst happen, I will never forget you," Ronon's gruff voice said. A rare and honest admission from the big guy. In his voice, John could hear the sorrow, which made his heartache.

There was a pause before the next stream of words.

"I know this is your way of saying goodbye, but I like to think it's a little premature." John could hear Rodney trying to be calm and confident, but his voice wavered ever so slightly, betraying his true emotions. "Since this is what it is, I have to say thank you. For making me who I am, for believing in me, for giving me a family and for being a better brother to me than I ever was to Jeannie. I will not give up, John. You're not dead yet."

John never thought he'd hear their voices again, so to hear them now made his next journey so much more difficult. He was leaving them, possibly forever. Their words would follow him until the end, and whatever the outcome of this final journey was, John was thankful to have enjoyed this final interaction with his team.

"See you on the other side, then," he replied to them.

There was a faint tingling sensation which spread from the base of his skull to the rest of his body. It became uncomfortable just before a second sensation radiated from the same spot. A soothing coolness fell over him until he was numb all over.

John Sheppard's mind shutdown as his body entered stasis. Whatever happened to him next, was in the hands of his family.

To be continued...