The Mechanist could only shiver under the power of that cold glare: Sokka stepped forward, his frown the deepest and most menacing he had mustered in a long time. Before long, the man before him buried his face in his hands, shaking his head repeatedly.
"I didn't do it because I wanted to…" he whispered. Sokka's fists tightened. "You need to understand, I… I had no choice…"
"Why do you keep saying that? What do you mean, you had no choice?!" Sokka exclaimed. "You had built a perfectly simple aircraft and all of sudden it's a war vessel?! How were you forced to do that?!"
"Y-you don't understand…" said the Mechanist, lifting his gaze. "This… is what it was always meant to be, Sokka."
"You mean… all along, the hot-air balloon was…?" Sokka asked, his eyes widening.
"Its official name is war balloon," said the Mechanist, swallowing hard. "I… I didn't mean to trick you, I have tried to stall this process for as long as I could, but…!"
"Stall it? You were stalling it?" Sokka repeated, his eyes wide. "Y-you…"
"The Fire Lord made this request a long time ago!" The Mechanist exclaimed, nervously. "Before… before the war was won in the Earth Kingdom. I panicked when his soldiers and his War Minister stormed in here and… and threatened to destroy our new home. I… I had no idea what to do to protect my own other than to offer my abilities and services. I… I didn't want to! But they had the strength we lacked, and if I had dared rebel, there's no telling what they would have done. And Teo… he has been through enough. He has lost his mother, his ability to walk! I… I couldn't put him through more. I had to do this. For my son's sake…"
"For your son's sake you became the architect of all these inventions, then?" Sokka asked, his eyes widening. "The tanks, the drill that wrecked Ba Sing Se's walls, and now this…?"
"I know, it's horrible!" exclaimed the Mechanist, shaking his head and stumbling away. "But what would you have me do? How could I protect him otherwise?!"
"I… I don't know!" said Sokka, aghast. "You're the smartest man I've met, you could've used your own inventions against them somehow! You could have stood your ground, fought them off…!"
"If it had been that simple, I would have…!"
"Oh, but it probably was, you just… you're too scared to take things into your own hands, aren't you?!" Sokka exclaimed, frowning. "You'd rather just let them walk all over you, when you could just…!"
"You can accuse me of being a push-over if you please, but aren't you the same as me?" asked the Mechanist, looking at Sokka with distrust. Sokka gritted his teeth. "You as well were sucked into their systems, and now look at you! You were sent to assist me in building these bombs, weren't you?!"
"Damn right I was, but I meant to sabotage the whole thing, not do the Fire Lord's bidding just because I was too scared to face the consequences for rebellion!" Sokka shouted. "If he wanted to kill me for it, so be it! It'd be better than dooming thousands, millions, to continue dying in this damned war!"
"And how would you make sure that those under your care would remain protected if you die?!" the Mechanist exclaimed. Sokka's nails dug harder into his gloved palm. "If your death brought no further consequences, then by all means, go ahead and die for what you believe in! I would commend you for your bravery! But I… I have a family. I have a son! And he's all I have, just as I am all he has! I can't turn my back on him when he needs me most!"
"I have no problem with you wanting to protect your son, in fact, go ahead and do it! I'm glad you've done all you can for his sake!" Sokka said. "It's great! Protect those you love, and sure, don't die if you don't have to! But… but this isn't just about your family, damn it. You're condemning the Northern Water Tribe to annihilation because saving your own is more important than saving them?!"
"And how am I supposed to save them at all?!" the Mechanist retaliated. "How do I help others when I can barely help myself?! When I can barely help my own?!"
"Well… at the very least, by trying to do it," said Sokka, swallowing hard. "By not helping the Fire Nation as you have!"
"And how could I avoid helping them when I'm under their threats?! How, Sokka? Y-you demand for me to do the right thing, but sometimes the right thing by some is wrong by others. I cannot make a choice that will keep everyone satisfied, it's impossible!"
"I… I get that you can't just save everyone in one fell sweep, but you're as good as condemning them!" said Sokka, his eyes wide. "Doesn't that sit wrong with you? Can you just do that and… and still make it through the day without feeling like garbage for what you did?"
"Why… why do you think I work as much as I do?" The Mechanist whispered. Sokka frowned. "Why do you think I never leave my office, why I only work all the time…?"
Sokka swallowed hard as the man raised his eyes towards him. The despair in his gaze was palpable.
"Whenever I stop, Sokka… I know I'm guilty. I know I'm to blame for…f-for the Earth Kingdom's loss, for the deaths of thousands, f-for… for everything I've done to keep my son safe. I can barely live with myself as it is. I… I don't expect you to understand, but I've done what I could to… t-to keep him safe. But I am cowardly, and I'm sorry for it in ways you can't imagine… but we can't all be heroes, Sokka. I… I don't have what it takes. I can't fight the Fire Nation on my own."
Sokka swallowed hard, his hard glare softening. His empathy for the Mechanist was only equaled by his chagrin over the circumstances. Yet he had always known this was how things were for the Mechanist… he had seen the designs of all those machines, aware of what they had been used for. This wasn't news. But that had been history, so to speak: what the Mechanist was doing now could have been averted, it could have been stopped… yet the bird was well on its way now, carrying a copy of the designs for the advanced balloons. The power of those airships could be enough to bring down the Northern Water Tribe…
"Maybe… maybe you didn't have to do it on your own," said Sokka, gritting his teeth. "Maybe you could have tried to find help elsewhere, there are other people out there who don't like the Fire Nation any better than you do. They wouldn't have threatened you into their service like this… you could have just left this place and found a new home, somewhere far from that sick War Minister…"
"And then spend the rest of our lives fleeing from him?" asked the Mechanist, swallowing hard. "I have no doubts he would have found us eventually, and what then? He would have chained me into serving the Fire Lord, one way or another. If I didn't cooperate…"
"You would have had it worse," Sokka said, his fists tightening. It was the same logic by which he had accepted this mission in the first place. "And you would have had to do the Fire Lord's bidding anyhow."
"I… I know it sounds unbelievable, but I did try to slow this down," said the Mechanist. "Why do you think I had you reading all my work? Why do you think I deflected the matter of the bombs as I have…?"
"Yeah, you… you wanted to sabotage it too," Sokka reflected, gritting his teeth and looking at the Mechanist with regret. The Mechanist sighed.
"I did. I didn't realize that was your plan as well… So, I'm sorry I couldn't hold up my end of it. I'm… I'm so sorry," he said. "I am not as strong as I wish I could be. I… I am selfish, and cowardly, and I couldn't fathom losing anything else that was precious to me. I'm sorry, Sokka…"
Sokka's hands tightened into fists; the man's apologies sat as just as badly with him as his actions did. All along they had been on the same team, so to speak, yet Sokka hadn't once considered working with the man to prevent the technological advancements from reaching the Fire Nation. Had he offered his help, tried to understand the Mechanist's predicament…
He hadn't thought of the Mechanist as an actual player at the boardgame, but rather, as only another of many pieces tied to the Fire Lord. In his struggle to keep his intentions secret from Azula – something that, as he already knew, had backfired completely – he hadn't considered the Mechanist's predicaments. He hadn't thought he could find an ally in him… but it was too late now to correct his misguided tactics. The damage was done.
"I'm sorry I didn't explain what the airships' purpose was," said the Mechanist, swallowing hard. "I shouldn't have kept that to myself, but I… I was terrified, Sokka. War Minister Qin's threats were becoming worse, he said the Fire Lord was impatient… and I couldn't make the airships work. I thought that if… that if I didn't succeed, he would do something awful to us all. I didn't wish to make them, or the bombs, but…"
"But you were backed into a corner," growled Sokka, gritting his teeth. "If there's one thing the Fire Lord's any good at, it's that."
"I couldn't possibly make a choice without facing terrible consequences," said the Mechanist, shaking his head. "I had to… I had to, Sokka…"
Sokka swallowed hard and held his stance, glaring at the blueprints on the desk. The nervous man who had drawn them was, quite possibly, the most broken man he had ever known.
And his actions were awfully reminiscent of Sokka's own while in the Amateur Arena.
The realization hit him hard and low. He dropped his gaze, snarling and shaking his head. The Mechanist eyed him with sadness.
"I… I don't expect you to forgive me…"
"You? You think you're the problem here?" Sokka asked, with a frown. "You're being blackmailed, used as they please, just because you don't dare turn against the Fire Nation. I… how could I blame you for that, when so many others…? When even I am…?"
"You…?" the Mechanist asked, looking at Sokka with unease.
"I… I've tried to help," said Sokka, shaking. "I've done what I could, but… but maybe it amounts to nothing in the end. I… I won't make amends for the lives I've taken. I can't. I was a tool of their system. Just like you."
"You were, too…?"
Sokka laughed dryly and shook his head, his shoulders shivering as he dropped his head.
"So, who… who the hell am I to judge you? To think you should've just let them kill you, so you could spare the rest of the world? I've… I've never had the guts to let them kill me. I was terrified. I… I chose to be a slave, and I chose to kill others in a sand pit over being the one dying. You've fought for your own… I fought for my skin and hide and nothing more. I…"
He gritted his teeth and shook his head. He had lost all perspective, falling headfirst, carelessly, inside the illusions of a better life… and only now did reality come crashing on him again. He had refused to listen to its call before, pulled back and comforted by Azula's presence… but she wasn't here to shield him from his demons right now. Not when they were staring him in the face, in the shape of a helpless man who was desperate to protect his own.
"I'm the one who's sorry. I…" said Sokka, gritting his teeth before making for the door. The Mechanist's eyes widened.
"Sokka? Are you alright? Sokka!" he called, but the gladiator walked away slowly, hunched over and with a hand over his eyes, as though blinded by a bright light.
He stumbled his way through the Temple, not knowing where he was going, not caring about his destination either way. Flashes of every experience he had subconsciously blocked out during the past year had returned to his mind at full force: that one man who had begged for his life before he swung his club at his head, the one who had fought like a wild beast and tried to keep going even though Sokka had already maimed his legs and kicked his teeth off his mouth…
The ones who had fought eagerly to the last moment, only to give him that hopeful look once he struck them down. The eyes of so many dying men had been engraved into his very soul, tearing him apart from the inside as he struggled to endure his new life, for he hadn't had the courage to face death. He had even envied those men, with those eyes, knowing their fates would take them somewhere far more peaceful, at long last. They would be done with this hell. But he would remain in that filthy sand ring, trying to forget the very meaning of what he was doing as he fought new opponents…
He could see the tears of desperate women in the darkness, hear them cry as they wished they could return home. But they had nowhere to go, and nobody to take them there. They were as lost as Sokka. They were as envious of the dead as Sokka was. They suffered in ways he didn't understand, just as his suffering was beyond their understanding, too.
The powerful fist, coated with blue flames, that had sealed his fate and branded him forever. The fight that he had coveted, the plan that had backfired on him… the first soldier he killed. His father's silent resignation as he refused to listen to reason, as Sokka acted as he pleased without expecting the consequences to be as harsh as they would be.
The crying of a young boy trapped behind walls of ice. Sokka's tears burned in his eyes as he hopelessly sought help to save his friend from certain doom. And the bleak blue eyes of that boy, as Sokka bid him goodbye, staring emptily after him as he set sail into open waters…
Black snow. Small specks of darkness tainting the pure white, interrupting an innocent game and destroying his childhood, and his sister's, in the process. Being held back by Bato, who refused to let Sokka see what had happened inside his home. Katara screamed and cried, her eyes tightly shut. She would have no recollection of what she had seen within the igloo afterwards: her mind had blocked the memory of their mother's corpse, as she lay dead after the Fire Nation soldier was through with her…
He gasped as he reached the bathhouse, pushing the door open thoughtlessly and moving towards the showers' area immediately. The water dispensers were another of the Mechanist's innovations, a mechanism through which the cleansing of bodies could be achieved with further ease.
Sokka didn't bother stripping naked as he reached one of the showerheads. He pushed the key open and allowed the water to wash over him. At first it was cold, but it warmed up eventually. The feeling of the pellets crashing against his body had been meant to distract him from the depths of his darkness. But there was too much he had repressed, and all of it had been threatening to pour out of him in the past few days. Every aching memory of his home, every single time he had recalled something he had lost… they had been wake-up calls, warnings. He had refused to listen to them, basking in everything he appreciated about his life now… he had damn near forgotten his origins. And he had damn near forgotten his purpose in life, if he still had any.
He struck the wall with a fist and he dropped on the floor: the only sound in the bathhouse was that of the running water that couldn't cleanse his sins away.
The Mechanist had watched Sokka leaving his office's hallway, uncertain of what to do after their complicated argument. He shivered after the gladiator disappeared from sight, his familiar, foreboding guilt sinking in his stomach. Should he go after him? He had the feeling Sokka would rather be alone right now, though… or was his cowardice getting the better of him, as usual?
"Ah, I thought you'd be working on the bombs' design. You're taking a break at last? That's fortunate for me, then. I have something to ask you…"
The Mechanist nearly jumped out of his skin upon hearing the Princess's voice. Her tone, which had been quite calm, had sounded menacing to his ears. He turned to face her, his eyes wide. Azula's brow furrowed.
"I didn't mean to, I… I'm afraid I got distracted," he said, nervously. Azula's frown deepened.
"Distracted? By what?" said Azula.
When the Mechanist failed to answer, Azula gave him a menacing glare and stepped into his office. She walked towards his desk upon sighting the blueprints at a distance: it surprised the Mechanist to find she wasn't reacting to his designs as favorably as he would have expected from her. Her eyes widened as she reached to touch the blueprint, uncertainty in her gaze.
"Y-you… you came up with a new design. In a matter of days, you've…" said Azula, looking at the Mechanist in disbelief. "Why? I told you to… I told you to focus on the bombs. I didn't mean you had to redesign the war balloon, I'm sure I told you to forget about it. Why did you…?"
The Mechanist groaned and yanked at his hair. This day was only getting worse by the minute. And as the Mechanist explained his predicament desperately, Azula's astonished horror worsened. If all this was true, the situation was far direr than she had anticipated.
"You sent a copy of this design to War Minister Qin, without showing me what you were working on in the first place?" Azula asked. The Mechanist gritted his teeth.
"I had already sent him the first design before you gave me your full review, Princess. I… I knew that if things backfired on the Fire Nation army with the first war balloon design, the only one to blame for it would be me. I only tried to amend my mistake, and so I went behind your back… and I'm sorry. I know it was wrong, but… I…"
"You were terrified," Azula finished, sighing. "You did what you thought you had to do."
"It's what I tried to tell Sokka, but I don't think he understands…"
"Sokka?" Azula repeated, looking at the Mechanist in confusion. "You told Sokka about this?"
"He came in here when I was sending the bird to the Fire Nation with the new design," said the Mechanist, swallowing hard. "H-he… he left just a moment ago. I don't know where he went. But he knows everything now. I'm afraid he won't ever forgive me… and I don't blame him. I can't forgive myself either…"
The Mechanist's words resounded in Azula's mind. Her eyes widened: how many times had she heard Sokka utter the same thing? She breathed out slowly and shook her head, trying not to make much of her sudden realization.
"I need to find him. Which way did he go?" Azula asked, and the Mechanist answered her.
Azula sped her way through the Temple, a heavy frown on her face. She had no idea what Sokka would be capable of in these circumstances. Surely he understood that the messenger hawk was too far from reach by now, right? But even then, someone as stubborn and thick-headed as Sokka might still try to take the bird down if he had a chance. And while Azula couldn't blame him entirely if he wanted to get in the way of the missive, she wasn't sure what would be more harmful: letting that bird fly or stopping it. If the Mechanist had sent those designs to someone as greedy as War Minister Qin, who wasn't likely to take the flaws of the project into consideration before starting its production, this could only end catastrophically for the Fire Nation and, in the long run, for all those involved in designing it. Sokka, and even herself, included.
She looked for Sokka in the topmost towers, dreading he might have rushed there to throw some projectile at the bird, but there was no sign of him. She also headed to the chamber where the Mechanist kept the messenger hawks, thinking Sokka might have written a fake letter in order to render the last one null… but he wasn't there either.
His room, as well, yielded no results. Azula frowned. Had he found some way to leave the Temple? It seemed unlikely. She sent a message to Xin Long regardless, asking him to scout outside in case he caught Sokka doing something as ineffective as riding a glider after the bird. Xin Long obeyed promptly, but he didn't spot anything either.
Her search carried on as she tried to cover all her bases, but nobody she asked had seen Sokka: he had virtually disappeared in the middle of another snowy day. Azula clenched her fists, confused as to how he had given her the slip so effectively. Had he given up, perhaps? Had he concluded this fight wasn't worth it anymore?
Azula frowned. Despite this hadn't crossed her mind initially, maybe that was exactly what Sokka had done. He would often fight to his very best, it was true… but he was also prone to falling apart under the weight of his shortcomings whenever he dealt with failure. Where would he be sulking, though? Was there something he was likely to do when he was feeling inadequate…? She couldn't think of anything right away. He had run off to the Royal Dome's rooftop back when he had defeated the Notorious Stingray, but she couldn't find him in the towers before. Where, if not there or in his room?
She gritted her teeth as she paced the halls in the direction the Mechanist had told her Sokka had left through. Her arms shivered against the cold: the mantle of the night had spread rather quickly, and the temperature had dropped drastically already. If that fool had left the Temple he might freeze to death out there… she tried not to imagine that. He wasn't that stupid, or was he?
A bubbling sound startled her as she passed by a large machine. She frowned and slowed to a halt beside it: the Mechanist's water heating system. Why would it gurgle that way? Was it defective again? She eyed it with confusion, staring intently at the spinning needle that measured the water's heat. From what she could understand of the machine, the temperature was at its lowest. Had someone turned off the system? It didn't seem likely, if it was making noises. Was it lacking water? If so, why?
"Because… someone has spent it," she reasoned out loud, frowning heavily.
No one in their right mind would take a bath or a shower at this hour, let alone in these cold days. And they especially wouldn't spend all the heated water in one sitting. When it came to winter, the sooner you were back in your clothes after cleaning up, the better off you'd be. Azula had learned that much, at least.
But something told her that the person responsible for this wasn't in his right mind at all. She gritted her teeth: no wonder nobody had seen him for hours.
"Damn it, Sokka…!" she growled under her breath as she picked up her speed, racing towards the bathhouse's doors.
She heard the trickle of water as she pushed the door open briskly, and soon found what she had been looking for: he was resting against the wall, shivering violently, fully clothed. Azula approached him at haste, her chest heaving.
Sokka's mind wouldn't stop tormenting him with images he had wanted to forget. He didn't register the cold or the water anymore. He didn't realize his body was shaking. But, despite he had let everything fade into the background, he was startled out of his zoning out when he heard the sound of the showerhead's tap, closing. The water stopped, and only now was he aware of the fact that he was freezing. And of the fact that he was no longer alone.
"What the blazes is the matter with you?!"
The familiar voice rang in his ears. He coughed as he felt harsh hands pulling at his clothes brusquely. He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes, his clothing items falling off his body one by one. Warm hands touched his face, and he breathed out in relief upon feeling them.
"Sokka, are you listening to me? Are you alright?" Azula asked. She had meant to scold him for his foolishness, but the lack of response on his part was frightening. His body was too cold. She gritted her teeth and conjured flames in her hands, to grant him whatever heat she could as she panicked. "Sokka, answer me, damn it!"
"I… A-Azula…?" he whispered. She sighed and shook her head again.
"You fool. You fool," she said, moving her hands over his body in a hopeless attempt to warm him up. Sokka only seemed to shiver more violently around the heat, albeit he relished in it. "What was the big idea, to freeze to death in here? Is that what you wanted?"
"I just… I…" he could barely remember why he had wound up here in the first place. His mind was a jumble, all his thoughts in disarray. Azula huffed and shook her head.
"You were just proving me right, weren't you? You're damn hopeless," she snarled, pulling away from him and glancing around the room. She was certain there had to be some sort of bathrobe in here somewhere.
Sokka opened his eyes when she pulled away. She was here, the one person he could hold on to when all else failed. The only one with whom he could be more than a murderer, than a coward…
"Azula…"
"Give me a minute, alright?!" Azula snapped, having found a towel and a robe already. She was in the process of warming them up with her bending, hoping their effect on Sokka would be stronger this way.
Her response nearly made him smile. Azula. From the very start, it had been her. The only one who had, consciously or not, encouraged him to endure trials after trials, even during the years he had spent resenting her. She had been his reason to carry on, since the one thing he had let himself dream of was coming face to face with her again. But when that had happened, he hadn't found the rematch he had dreamt of… he had found something beyond his imagination. She had become his ally, his partner, his sponsor, his friend, his support, his inspiration, his lover, his purpose. She had nurtured his soul, appeased his spirit, given his heart something to beat for, at long last. At first, it had been for an eventual return to his tribe… but now it would beat for something else entirely: it would beat for the one who had given him a reason to live on in the first place.
The soft fabric of the towel was warm, and it burned on his cold skin. He flinched and gritted his teeth. Azula crouched before him, drying him quickly. Sokka shivered as he pushed himself off the cold, wet floor. Azula breathed out in relief upon Sokka's sensible decision to stand up, for it made her work a lot easier. She was as fast as she could with the towel, leaving it over his feet as she clad him with the bathrobe. Sokka breathed out heavily, his unfocused blue eyes set on her.
"Azula…" he whispered, lifting a hand to touch her face. Azula clasped his wrist, forcing him to slide his arm through the robe's sleeve.
"What the hell did you think you were doing, you idiot?" she asked him, through gritted teeth. "Were you just going to stay there, freezing your balls off and waiting to die in the water or something? Had I gotten here any later you could've…!"
"I… I'm…"
"Don't you dare say it!" Azula snapped, her golden eyes gleaming. "I am not going to hear any apologies, not when you damn near could have been…!"
Her rant was interrupted when she found herself trapped in his arms. Her eyes widened as he embraced her tightly, still shivering.
"Y-you're… so warm…" he whispered.
"And you're cold as an icicle," she retorted, rubbing his back with her hands. "You fool. You…"
Sokka reached to touch her cheek with his freezing fingertips. His breath was foggy and white as he looked at Azula hopelessly. The dead gaze in those eyes stunned her: she had seen that expression in Sokka's eyes before, but she had hoped she would never have to see it again. She could barely move as she looked at him, her arms still locked tight around his body. Slowly, to her relief, Sokka's spirit returned to his eyes in the form of their usual glow. But he didn't smile. He didn't seem relieved, as she had felt for a brief moment. If anything, the life in his eyes was but more evidence of how troubled he felt inside. He gritted his teeth, staring at Azula as though he couldn't tear his gaze away from hers.
"What… what's going on?" she asked, no longer with any frustration or rage in her voice. All her anger had gone forgotten astoundingly quickly over the sheer shock of seeing him like this.
She thought for a moment that he wouldn't answer her question. It wouldn't have surprised her in the slightest if he hadn't. But his jaw clenched as he finally tore his gaze away from Azula's, his eyelids shutting tight.
"I… I can't wash them away," he whispered. Azula's body tensed up. "I… I tried to ignore them, but I can't anymore. I can't… pretend. The things I've done won't go away, and I've… I've as good as killed them all. I… I came up with the solution, Azula, I… I've killed the Northern Water Tribe. I…"
"No. No, you haven't. Sokka…" said Azula, frowning as he gritted his teeth, his shoulders shivering violently now but by the force of his contained sobs.
He couldn't utter another word. His arms went around his own body now, as he shrunk in his frame, dropping on his knees once more. His shoulders continued to tremble, his eyes failing to contain the tears he couldn't hold back any longer.
Azula wasted little time to kneel as well and surrounded him with her arms, holding him close as he cried, gasping ever so softly. She had seen glimpses of this side of Sokka before, but never like this. He always held it in, sidelining his emotions and struggles so he could focus on his fights, on his work, or on Azula's own problems. He was never the priority. Even now, when he couldn't take the pressure anymore, he had held back. He had avoided all contact, never turning to Azula in hopes she might help him somehow. He cried silently too, just as he suffered silently. It never crossed his mind to burden her, or anyone else, with his problems.
Azula gritted her teeth, clutching at him through the cloth covering his body. He was still freezing cold, contrasting against Azula's natural warmth. She closed her eyes and relied on her firebending, on her inner fire, to exude further warmth still, to thaw Sokka's sorrows somehow. Her hand reached his slick hair, hoping to hold him close and relieve him by showing him that he wasn't alone. That she wasn't going to leave him, just as he hadn't left her when Azula's own demons had caught up with her.
She didn't say another word as he continued to shudder in her arms. All she could do was hold him, his head resting on her shoulder, his wet hair framing and hiding his face. When his breathing evened out, gradually, she released a relieved sigh. Her hands still moved over his body, seeking to offer the warmth he lacked.
"Azula…" he muttered, with a dry and husky voice. She stroked his hair again.
"Are you feeling any warmer yet?" she asked. Sokka nodded weakly. "Good."
"I just…"
"Don't start with the apologies," Azula said, lowering her head so her lips would be by his ear. "They don't suit you as well as you think they do."
"I… wasn't going to apologize," Sokka said. She smiled a little.
"Great," she said, pressing closer to him. "We should get out of here, Sokka. Your room must be warmer than this. It's not too far, so…"
"W-why are you…?" he said, lifting his gaze at last to look at her. His eyes were clearer now. Azula raised an eyebrow as he dry-swallowed. "I mean… you didn't have to…"
"You don't seem to understand what my role in your life is, or do you?" said Azula, brushing some of his hair away from his face. Upon Sokka's clueless stare she sighed. "I guessed so."
"I just… Azula…"
"Stop overthinking," she said, softly. "Stop worrying, stop losing your mind about everything. Things aren't nearly as awful as you believe they are. Just calm down, and we'll head to your room. I'll explain everything there, and maybe you'll stop being so suicidal once I do. Alright?"
"W-well…"
"Yes, I know, your suicidal tendencies won't go away no matter what I do. To be frank, I didn't have much hopes in those regards by now," she said, sighing. "Can you stand up again?"
Sokka lowered his gaze and nodded. Azula surrounded his waist with an arm and pulled him up: Sokka's chest heaved as he breathed slowly, as if he had to force his body to make every inhalation. Azula gathered his wet clothes, holding them under one arm as she the other remained tight around Sokka's body.
"C-can we…? Won't everyone see…?" Sokka asked. Azula shrugged.
"I doubt it. You've been hiding for hours, in case you didn't notice," said Azula. "It's already nighttime. Everyone will be seeking the warmth of their rooms, not pacing the Temple after hours."
"Right…" said Sokka. Azula ushered him to move gently.
"We'll be cautious anyways. Just in case someone is as crazy as you and decides to take a bath in the middle of a winter night."
Sokka averted his gaze, guiltily, and Azula sighed. She had expected him to smile at that, as he often did when she poked fun at him. But there was no sign of amusement in his face, only of conflict. All the same, she held him tightly, leading him towards the door steadily. He still trembled, but he didn't complain. All he did was surround Azula's waist with his own arm, his eyes still downcast.
The halls were empty, as Azula had predicted they would be. Together, they walked through the torch-lit corridors of the Temple in the middle of the night: the cold breeze didn't help Sokka's condition, but Azula ushered him to endure it until they reached his room.
She led him to his bed, where he lay shaking and breathing with difficulty. Azula returned to his door, locking it firmly and even planting a small chair in front of it. She wouldn't have anyone barging in here tonight.
Sokka watched her with uncertainty, and she raised her eyebrows in his direction.
"I'm not letting you out of my sight anymore after this, you know," she said. He swallowed hard.
"I didn't mean to worry you so much," he said, as Azula approached him again, sitting at the edge of his bed.
"You never do. It's like you're under this absurd impression that I won't care about what happens to you, no matter what it is," said Azula, raising her eyebrows and cupping his face. "Well, you're dead wrong. If anything, I care too much."
Sokka gritted his teeth, his eyes gleaming with remorse. Azula frowned as she gazed at him.
"Sokka…"
"I shouldn't have lied to you. I… I'm an idiot for sure," he whispered. "From the very start, when you explained this mission, I… I decided to do all this behind your back. I tried… I tried to get in the way of it, and I tried to deceive you… and in the end it all amounted to nothing. I… I failed. Those airships are going to…"
"Hush," said Azula, leaning close, pressing her forehead to his. "There's a lot about this that you don't seem to understand, Sokka. For one thing… you didn't deceive me for a second. I knew what you were planning back when I told you of this mission…"
"Why didn't you stop me, then? Why…?" Sokka whispered. Azula swallowed hard.
"Why… that's complicated to answer, isn't it?" she said. Sokka frowned.
"Azula…"
She was silent briefly, moving her hands over his body slowly, gifting him with what warmth she could provide without burning him. After taking a deep breath, she finally felt courageous enough to talk earnestly.
"There's something heroic in the notion of a nation that can hold its own during a hundred years of war. It sounds glorious, and it certainly serves the purpose of upholding ourselves as superior over all other nations… but in the end, who can be truly victorious after a century of warfare?"
Sokka raised his eyebrows. Azula sighed.
"When the war began, the Fire Nation was overpopulated. One of the reasons why Sozin wanted to expand the nation, despite it's not often disclosed, was the fact that we didn't have enough lands or resources to house and feed the thousands of citizens living in our main towns and cities. He settled the first colonies in the Earth Kingdom in hopes to resolve this… but soon enough, the war dealt with the overpopulation problem all by itself."
"The Fire Nation's death toll…" said Sokka, frowning.
"Our numbers, compared to what they were by the beginning of the war, have been cut by half in this unending conflict," said Azula. "We regained population through the Honorary Fire Nation Citizenship system, it's true, but not only isn't it enough, it's also not the same thing in the slightest."
Sokka nodded. Azula's hands moved to his shoulders, rubbing them slowly.
"In regards of resources, also, it's a bigger problem than it seems. Just think of the amount of food required to sate the Fire Nation's armies… and the weapons and armor, too. Wars are costly, in all fronts. Sometimes I wonder whether we've gained or lost more through the decades we've spent waging this one. I used to think the former was the obvious answer, but over the last year I've been led to think it's probably the latter."
"You've gained the Earth Kingdom's lands, though," said Sokka. "They offer quite a lot of resources, don't they?"
"Indeed. But while our own people could have populated and worked those lands a hundred years ago, it's not quite possible to do the same anymore. There are colonies where the vast majority of the population is of Earth Kingdom descent. Outside of the governors, I think most Fire Nation citizens that currently occupy Omashu are soldiers. The rest are the same Earth Kingdom people who had always lived there."
"That's true," Sokka acknowledged, recalling how unpleasant he had found the city when they had visited it.
"The thing is… you're not wrong. We've gained lands, and also resources we were lacking dearly," Azula continued. "But what sort of resources would we obtain by decimating the Water Tribes? What do the Poles have to benefit the Fire Nation? I… I have thought this way for quite some time…"
"I remember," Sokka whispered. "You told me long ago that… that you wouldn't waste your time trying to take over the South Pole."
"It's true for the North as well."
"Why, though?" said Sokka, his blue eyes earnest as he poised his question. "Don't get me wrong, this is a relief to hear, but… aren't the waterbenders the worst threat you guys might face? Isn't that why you went after them?"
"It is. My grandfather, Azulon, actively sought to imprison all the waterbenders he could," Azula admitted. "It's the reason behind all those raids to the South Pole. It was of easier access for us, and not as thickly defended as the North, after all…"
"So, you were always out to take the waterbenders," Sokka muttered. "No wonder… I thought they had been murdered, not that they had been taken as prisoners. Are any of them still…?"
"Alive…?" Azula asked, raising her eyebrows. Sokka sighed at the troubled expression of her face.
"Never mind," he said. "I just thought that, if there was some small chance, maybe…"
"I'm afraid not. He… he wasn't very kind to them," said Azula, swallowing hard. She didn't know much of the waterbenders' imprisonment conditions, but what she did know would likely send Sokka into a fit of rage rather than depression. "But you're not wrong. Waterbenders are the main reason why this war isn't over yet. My father has stated as much already. He didn't seem comfortable with the idea of leaving the potential threat in the north unchecked… but even so, these airships aren't likely to be as much of a solution as he might have hoped."
"They're not?" Sokka asked, breathlessly. "Y-you think…?"
"They're great means of transportation, surely," said Azula. "But they have no incorporated weapons, for one thing… which means our soldiers would have to take great risks by attacking from midair from the cabin. And as talented firebenders as they may be, without Sozin's Comet's influence, they probably won't be able to deliver much damage with their fire unless the airship lands, and that would mean discarding the advantage of being airborne in the first place. If they didn't land, they'd have to figure out a way to fight effectively while airborne, in one of the coldest places of the world, manned by warriors and waterbenders who are far more used to fighting in that environment than they could ever be. It's… it's too inconvenient."
"S-so… you really think this might not be…?" Sokka asked, trembling again. Azula cupped his cheek.
"Yes, I do. I had been quite uncertain at first, I won't lie," she said, with a small smile. "I did think that air power might be all we needed to take down the Northern Water Tribe, but… but what if they were to knock down one of the airships and take it for themselves? They'd be the ones to acquire an advantage we couldn't exploit properly, and then they might use it to vanquish us. It's not too far-fetched to imagine they'd want vengeance for the past century, is it? So… don't you think the risks outweigh the possible advantages by far?"
"They might," said Sokka, swallowing hard. "So… you'll tell your father about this? Y-you'll… you can convince him to desist on using the airships to…?"
"I can't promise anything. I don't want you to have insanely high expectations," Azula said, closing her eyes. "I will try, but my father has been rather stubborn about this matter for many years now. Fortunately, though, I'll have at least a year or two, maybe more, to convince him that this isn't as great an idea as he might have thought."
"Production might take some time…" Sokka reasoned.
"Something of that scale would indeed take time to build. My father already had built a factory to produce the airships, but even with that head-start, this isn't likely to be a quick process. We may have the Former Earth Kingdom's resources at our disposal, but crafting the Drill, the tanks and the train-tank was already quite taxing and expensive. And there's also the matter of preparing crews to handle each airship… simply put, there are so many variables, and this much hard work shouldn't be wasted on a mission where we're more likely to fail than to succeed."
"So, you will try to prevent this," said Sokka, swallowing hard. Azula nodded.
"I know it's too idyllic a thought, and there's a good chance I might fail and fall from my father's graces altogether if I simply ask him to stop… but perhaps if I do it carefully he'll understand. I wouldn't expect to convince him to strike peace between both factions right away, but perhaps a truce can be arranged. It's been too long a siege and to no results. It might be better this way, for all the involved."
"Yes… yes, it might," said Sokka, smiling a little as he clasped Azula's hand with his. She smiled too.
"Now, are you going to calm down and stop trying to drown or freeze yourself to death?" she asked, brushing his hair off his face with her fingers.
"I… I won't do that again. I'm sorry," he said, sighing and closing his eyes. "I just…"
"You thought you'd sent the Northern Water Tribe to its destruction," said Azula, but she was surprised when he shook his head. "That's not why you did it?"
"Not… not really," Sokka admitted, gritting his teeth. "Not entirely."
"Then, what's the whole story?" said Azula, raising her eyebrows. Sokka sighed. "You know, I do enjoy playing at figuring out each other's secrets, but after today's mess I'd think you would rather stop holding back and be honest with me. This game is getting tiresome."
"I know it is. And I'm sorry it got this bad," he said. "I… I was an idiot. I thought if I hid this from you, you'd be better off. I thought that if I complied, you wouldn't get in trouble with your father. So I just… I tried to keep you as safe as I could, while doing my best to hinder the mission in the process."
"Ironic how I decided to play the fool to your little scheme for the same reason" said Azula, biting her lip "I… I wanted to find some way to keep my father appeased once you came through with your evident failure with the bombs. I thought maybe finding a few more dragons might work, but…"
"You've found nothing so far," said Sokka. Azula nodded.
"The prospect is starting to look quite bleak," she whispered. "But I'm still willing to try. Maybe eventually…"
"Still… we're hopeless, aren't we?" said Sokka, with a small smile. "In the end…"
"If we had talked things over, we would have realized we both wanted the same things," said Azula, raising her eyebrows. "But I guess we were too busy fucking to do what most people do in relationships, huh?"
"Talk? Or… trust each other?" Sokka muttered, biting his lip. "I mean, we both trusted the other to behave in some particular way, but…"
"But that didn't pay off, did it?" said Azula, sighing. "I didn't expect the war balloons. You didn't expect that I'd discover your little ploy from the very start."
"So… I didn't trick you at all."
"Not for a second," said Azula, smiling as she continued to stroke Sokka's hair.
"If only I could be surprised by that," said Sokka, looking at her with uncertainty. "You didn't mind, though… that I had lied to you."
"If you lied over anything else, I'd likely be far more unsettled about it," Azula confessed. "But this? If anything, your faked compliance bothered me a lot at first. Things made more sense when I realized what you were up to."
"And you weren't mad at all… that I'd hold the Water Tribe's safety over following your father's commands?" Sokka asked. Azula snorted.
"How would I be mad about that? That's exactly who you are, Sokka," said Azula, with a weak grin. "You've done everything in your power to act rebellious ever since our partnership began. This is nothing new. If you had actually wanted to help my father… well, that would have been worrisome. But this? This is precisely what I would expect from you."
"And that's a great thing for me, no doubt… but I'm surprised you don't seem upset about it in the slightest," said Sokka, frowning. "I mean… this is a relationship. We're not supposed to hide things from one another…"
"No, we're not. Especially not this kind of thing. But I'd hope we've learned something from this mess," said Azula, raising her eyebrows. "Fortunately for you, you're too honest a man and I'm quick to see through you. It's also fortunate that you are a good man, which is why I can't be mad over what you were lying about. When you lie, you do it with agreeable intentions, so to speak, so… I can't be that angry."
"I'd rather not lie to you anymore, though," Sokka said, earnestly. "Not only is it useless, but it makes me feel… in short, like scum. You're the last person in the world I want to lie to."
"I'm glad to hear that. From what I understand, relationships need honesty to work properly," she replied.
"I felt bad about this, believe it or not. I just… didn't know what else to do. I wanted to keep you away from your father's rage…"
"And you meant to bear with it all by yourself," said Azula, sighing as Sokka nodded.
"Because I couldn't just sit by and watch this develop without trying to put a stop to it. The Earth Kingdom already fell, and I was powerless to help… I had hoped maybe I could make a difference this time."
"It may be a surprise to hear that, as things stand, you already have," said Azula. "The bombs probably would have been more dangerous…"
"I thought so too," said Sokka, sighing. "I'm relieved you understand, though… and that you agree with me. That you didn't want to do this any more than I did. I tried to trick you because… because I thought you would be mad that I was holding the Water Tribe's safety over your needs. And if you didn't know, you would be protected from your father's wrath. You wouldn't be an ally to my scheme, so your father would have no reason to punish you…"
"You really thought I'd be mad that you cared for the Water Tribe this much?" Azula asked. Sokka shrugged.
"I love you, Azula," he said, looking at her sadly. "But… that I love you doesn't mean I can throw everything else away. I can't just turn a blind eye to the damage the Fire Nation has done, and I can't be an accomplice to the damage it wants to deliver in the future. Yeah, maybe I disregard my life too much, which annoys you beyond belief. But I… I don't have a family to provide for. I'm not the leader of a group of people, I haven't been for years now. If… if someone needs to make a sacrifice for the sake of the world, it should be someone like me…"
"Oh, because you have nothing to lose? Nothing else you can do is of consequence?" Azula asked, looking at him in disbelief. "There's nobody else out there who needs you, is there? The world can just go on spinning if you run off and die, because you're just not important?"
"I didn't mean it that way…" said Sokka, shifting and seeking to sit up. Azula's reproachful glare took him aback. "I mean… I was in the bathhouse because of this. B-because I'd… I'd been angry to discover the Mechanist wasn't willing to make the same sacrifices I was. He's got a family to help, people who count on him and need him. He keeps this place alive, after all… what would they do without him? And even then, I… I lashed out at him as if he were responsible for what the Fire Nation used his inventions for. As if… as if he'd had a choice. Had he died, what would have happened to Teo, to his people?"
"So, you realized you were being unfair… how does that result in a cold shower in the middle of winter?" Azula asked, raising an eyebrow.
"That happened because I realized how different he is from me, even though we're the same, too. We're different because he's choosing to care for his own, though. He has sacrificed his soul for their sake. And I did the same… but for myself. I… I faced all those fights in the Amateur Arena, Azula, and… and every single time I had to kill one of them, I knew I didn't deserve to survive. I had no right. I… I wasn't better than them, not really. So many of them must have had children, a family waiting for them and…"
"Don't you have one of your own too, though? Sokka, the very foundation of our initial agreement was that…"
"There's something… I've never told you before," Sokka interrupted her. Azula frowned.
"What is it?" she asked. Sokka shivered, avoiding her eyes. His teeth were rattling, though it might not be because of how cold he was anymore…
"Remember when we first met?" he asked. Azula nodded. "I… I had been planning that attack for a week or so. When I got the information I needed to make it happen, I took the opportunity… but not without knowing the risks I was taking. And not without knowing that it might all backfire on me because I was being too rash and daring with this."
"So, you always knew something might go out of hand?" Azula asked. Sokka shook his head.
"Actually, I… I thought I had planned things well enough. My smoke bomb was going to be so thick that anyone in that room would falter against it. It wasn't a weapon I expected anyone to overcome while indoors. But you… well, I didn't expect you. Not for a second. I didn't hear anything about the Fire Nation Princess coming to the settlement. So, I… I was confident. I was sure I couldn't lose. So I thought… I thought that I'd prove myself with this. I thought… that my father would see for himself, at last, that I was a strong and capable warrior in my own right. That, while he was too indecisive, while he refused to fight back against the invaders, I was willing to do what needed to be done to keep our lands safe."
Azula frowned. She only realized now that Sokka had seldom spoken about his father before. The look on his face right now was that of a chastised child. Was his father that strict, that menacing…?
"When I told him of my plan, he… he didn't take it very well," Sokka said. "He thought I was going to put myself in unnecessary danger, that I wouldn't gain anything from doing this. He realized I was being reckless to impress him, I guess, while hiding behind my idealistic beliefs. I wanted to drive the Fire Nation away from my home, yes, but… but I also wanted my father to acknowledge me as a man for good. I wanted him to realize I could be a leader like him. I wanted to come home after succeeding at my self-imposed mission, to tell him proudly that he'd been wrong. And to see… to see the pride in his eyes when I succeeded where he had failed."
Azula's eyes widened. Sokka dropped his head in his hands, swallowing hard as he held back the urge to cry again.
"But I… I was a fool all along, and I only realized it when it was too late to take back my mistake. I knew I couldn't win when we fought… and I knew I'd failed him. How could I… how could I go back home and face him after what I did? How could I…?"
He pulled at his hair, and Azula could only sit in place, dumbfounded. She didn't dare touch him, not when she was as shocked as she was by his revelation.
"I just… tried to save the rest of them," Sokka whispered, swallowing hard. "I didn't even know if it had worked or not until you found me again, two years later. That was all I could do, though, because…"
"Because I'd… ruined all your plans," said Azula, a hand moving to her face.
Sokka lifted his gaze to find her covering her mouth, horror-struck. He shook his head, taking her hand in hers.
"No. No. You… you did what you had to do, just as I was doing what I thought I had to do," he said. "We were enemies, remember? And if… if I'd taken you captive, I really don't know what would have happened to you. So don't… don't even think about feeling bad about it. I was a fool. An arrogant, incompetent, selfish fool. I… I had it coming…"
"You had it coming?" Azula asked, her eyes widening. "Sokka, you can't tell me that after all this time, you've… you've thought it was retribution for failure. Being a slave… you really think that was your fate? That it was what you deserved? All because you… because you didn't listen to your father?"
"I… I don't know about fate," said Sokka, averting his gaze from hers. "But I do know that… that all actions have consequences. You were already too merciful by allowing me to live, all things considered. Anyone else would have killed me, so…"
"And that was a true kindness I did to you, wasn't it?" Azula asked, frowning. "You really think you deserved this? Everything you endured in the Amateur Arena…?"
"I don't know if I deserved it or not, Azula, but I…" he said, gritting his teeth. "The truth is, I didn't feel worthy of going home. I… I still don't. Now, of all times, I feel even less worthy of it. B-because… how can I face my father? He must have thought I died to spare my men… it's an honorable death, right? But no, I… I survived. And I've ended up right here, with you, of all people… and I've just settled into this life, with the belief that I'll be going home one day, but… but the truth is, I don't want to. I… I'm not brave enough to face him and tell him the truth. He… he already must have been so ashamed of me, and knowing I survived would only make it worse…"
"Sokka, you've… you've really thought this way from the very start?" Azula asked, her eyes widening. "If so, why did you ask me to take you home?"
"Because… what else did I know but the damn Amateur Arena?" he said, with a halfhearted shrug. "I hated the Fire Nation, and even if it was just my pride speaking, I wanted nothing more to do with it after two years stuck there. But… but after everything I've seen and lived by your side, I can't think the same way. When you took me out of the Amateur Arena, Azula, I started to see the side of the Fire Nation I never knew existed. So, I became complacent. And… and I'm still a coward. I always have been one. I can't face my father…"
"But Sokka…" Azula whispered, her chest tight with guilt. He breathed out and looked at her remorsefully.
"Why did you think I never tried to run away?" he whispered. "From the Amateur Arena, or from Shu Jing, once you took me to Piandao's…"
"I… I just thought you were trying to abide by your vow to me," said Azula. "I guessed it was a matter of honor, if anything…"
"Well… now you know it really wasn't," said Sokka, sadly. "Now you know the truth. I'm as spineless as it can get. I… I don't fight for a family that would be disappointed in me. They'd think I was better off dead than as your gladiator… I don't have a son to provide for like the Mechanist does, or people to look after. I'm just… this. A pathetic man who never even had the courage to end his miserable existence back when he had the guts to murder others. I… I'm the worst kind of scum, aren't I?"
"You're out of your mind if you truly think so," said Azula, reaching to touch his face. Sokka gritted his teeth. "After everything you've done, you really think so lowly of yourself? Sokka, you saved your people. You took the chance to ask anything from my father, and used it to save your tribe. No, they mustn't know it, but… do you really think your death would have been better than that? Do you think they'd think so, if they ever knew what you did?"
"I… I don't know. I mean…" he said, swallowing hard. "I've done things they'd never forgive me for. I've…"
"Like what?" Azula asked, raising her eyebrows. "They'd never forgive you for your bond with me? For not murdering the Fire Lord on sight? If they really would rather you were dead… then they don't deserve you."
"I'm not sure if it's them who don't deserve me, or if I'm the one who doesn't deserve them."
Azula's heart ached in ways it never had before upon hearing Sokka's defeated words. His blue eyes were becoming bleak, empty, once again.
"You really think that you don't deserve to go home?" Azula asked. Sokka gritted his teeth.
"Thing is, I…" he said, looking at her. His eyes were alight once more. She frowned in confusion. "I probably don't deserve it because… b-because as I am now, given what my life has become… I can't think of my tribe as my home anymore. At least, not as the only one."
Sokka sighed as Azula remained silent. He bit his lip, afraid he might have stepped too far with what he'd said. But he had said it already. It was too late to take it back, especially because it was the truth.
"I think I don't deserve to go back because I do… I do feel like I've turned my back on them during this last year. When our journey began, I wanted to go back because I didn't trust you, because I hated the Fire Nation and facing my family's disappointment was preferable than this. But by now? I… I'm so comfortable with you. I can't even… I can't even imagine going to the South Pole for good. I just can't. And if they knew that, they… they wouldn't understand. And they'd just wish I'd died for good. I'm as good as a traitor to them, just like the Stingray and those White Lotus people said…"
"You're… you're not, Sokka, you're…" said Azula, breathing heavily as she cupped his face in her hands. He gulped as he clasped her hands with his.
"I'm a mess," he finished, with a sad smile. "A hopeless one, at that."
"Well… maybe," Azula relented. Sokka's smile became a little more earnest upon her reply. "But that doesn't mean that they should think of you as lowly as you expect them to."
"I guess not," Sokka agreed, swallowing hard. "It's just not easy to imagine otherwise…"
"It's not likely to be… just as you couldn't speak for my mother, I can't speak for your people," said Azula, her fingers intertwining with his. "So, I can't say if they'll be kinder than you think. Maybe… maybe they really would rather you were dead than involved with me, of all people. But Sokka…"
Her eyes were blazing with emotion, to Sokka's amazement. She seemed desperate, and determined as well.
"I don't know what it will take to stop you from being ready to discard your life so easily," she said. "I… I don't know what you need to hear so you can understand your existence matters. But if everything you've affected in the world ever since we joined forces can't convince you…"
"Azula, it's not that I think it was all worthless…"
"Then the love you pledge to me might be what will do the trick," she said, disregarding his interruption. Sokka's eyes widened. "Because… I need you. I… I don't care if you think you can be replaced, you can't be. You never could be. I need you, Sokka… and not just so you can fight my battles for me. You're my partner. You're…"
She fell silent when his forehead touched hers. It was still cold, and his hair was damp. She dared glance at him, finding his eyes were closed as he listened to her, their hands still linked.
"Sokka…" she whispered, gritting her teeth. "I'm sorry that everything is so complicated. I wish… I wish it could be much simpler. But these are the lives we have to live, whether we want it to be this way or not. And yes, maybe… maybe it doesn't matter that I just say I need you, it won't make you feel any better about yourself, but…"
"You know, it actually does help," Sokka confessed, surprising her.
"Huh… that's good," she said, with relief.
He opened his eyes, finding hers and discovering hope in them. She still seemed desperate. He smiled weakly before leaning closer still.
The coldness of his lips, ever so warm and gentle, was distressing for Azula. Yet it only compelled her to kiss him more fervently, deepening their exchange quickly and helping him find the warmth he direly needed.
"I need you too," he whispered, once they parted. "I… I don't know where I'd be without you. And I honestly don't want to know either."
"Even if it'd mean you wouldn't face the turmoil you're dealing with right now?" Azula asked. Sokka smiled.
"You realize that you're the only person who can make me carry on, despite everything that's happened? I guess you don't. You keep saving me from my own darkness…"
"You've saved me from mine, too," said Azula. Sokka kissed her again.
"Aren't we a hopeless pair… always needing one another," he said, smiling. "But aren't we also lucky that we have each other indeed."
"We are. So… so don't tear apart the hopeless pair, Sokka," Azula whispered, reaching up to fist his hair. "I need you. I can't let you throw your life away. I don't know what I'd do…"
"You won't have to worry about that," Sokka said. Azula shook her head.
"I'm afraid I'll always worry about you, Sokka," she whispered. "You'll have to learn to live with that."
He kissed her brow and surrounded her with his arms. Azula clutched at him, her face pressed against his neck.
"I really do need you," she said.
"And I need you, too. I'd be lost without you."
"Tell me you won't do this again," she whispered. "Please…"
"Throwing myself in a cold shower…?"
"Discarding your life like a fool. In a cold shower or elsewhere," said Azula, pulling away to look at him sternly. Sokka smiled and nodded.
"I won't. I can't. Not while you need me," he said, grinning. "I… I actually hadn't done anything like this since…"
"Since your first fight with Toph," Azula finished, frowning. "You… you were ready to die, weren't you?"
"I…" said Sokka, clenching his teeth briefly. "It was the first time I was that overwhelmed by an opponent. I couldn't win. So I thought…"
"You thought you could only die. And yet you… you weren't sad about it. If anything, you were… relieved," said Azula, reflecting upon that moment. "You really wanted her to give you the final blow, didn't you?"
"Maybe I did then," he said, looking down shamefully at first, but he raised his eyes to meet hers again, with renewed strength. "But then I gained a reason to live. Someone who helped me forget why I'd lost my will to live in the first place. Someone worth fighting for… inside the Arena, and outside it too."
Azula gritted her teeth as Sokka leaned forward again, linking their foreheads once more.
"It's true that we were around each other already by the time I fought Toph, but… but things changed after that. And they continued to change ever since," he said, smiling at her. "Not always for the best, but in the long run, it was for the best indeed. We've overcome so much together. We've done things I never thought possible…"
"Things nobody ever thought possible, too," she said, opening one of her hands and conjuring a small dancing plum of golden fire in it. Sokka smiled.
"It's so warm," he said, closing his eyes and basking in the comfortable sensation the blazes offered them.
Azula didn't tear her eyes away from him as he rested against her. He seemed at peace again, surprisingly… yet she still felt unsettled. She still felt uneasy. There was too much that still needed to be said. Her chest ached, and she knew why it did. She couldn't hold back this feeling anymore: she couldn't settle with letting him understand it, with showing it through actions, or gestures… it had been enough dawdling on her part.
She had nearly lost him. She couldn't let him feel hopeless enough to do something so reckless again: he needed to understand how much he meant to her.
"It's only warm because of you," she whispered. Sokka swallowed hard as she looked down at the fire. "Because I love you."
Sokka frowned for a moment, hesitating visibly. The golden fire was reflected by her unusually emotional eyes, in the tears that blinked at their corners. He had to hold back tears of his own as he caressed her cheek, an earnest, full smile on his lips now.
"Y-you're not about to say anything?" Azula asked, looking at him with uncertainty as well. He laughed softly, surprising her.
"I'm trying not to react as I really want to… because you'll decide you'll never say it again if I do," he confessed.
To Azula's surprise, his laughter was somewhat infectious. She found herself smiling too, laughing under her breath before reaching up to kiss him. His arms were no longer surrounding her half-heartedly: they were as strong as she remembered them, as strong as they always were when he made her his. His lips had warmed up slowly thanks to hers, and the conversation they had been holding. As he kissed her eagerly, repeatedly, she couldn't help but notice he had failed in his attempt not to react earnestly to her confession.
"I need you…" she whispered again, through their kisses. "I do, Sokka, I… I don't care for a life without you either. So please…"
"Never again," he said, nodding. "I'm always a fool, and I wish I weren't, but I won't let you down like this again. I promise…"
"You'd better not," said Azula, with a fragile smile before kissing him deeply once more.
He held her closely, shivering against her smaller frame. The plates of her armor dug into his skin, and as she noticed this, Azula endeavored to take it off. Sokka kissed her lips as he removed her hands from the buckles, taking it upon himself to perform the task carefully. His fingers were still cold after he discarded her armor, and Azula raised them to her face so she could kiss them. Sokka leaned closer to her, pressing his lips gently to her brow, to her cheek, to her jawline.
She released his hands, freeing him to caress her and tug at her clothes. She pushed his bathrobe down as well, exposing his still cold body to her: she would make sure he wouldn't be cold anymore.
It wasn't every night that Azula was so forward, so intense. Sokka dropped on his back as she kissed his face desperately, moving to his neck and collarbone. Sokka helped her out of her tunic and shirt, fumbling with her chest bindings as she leaned down, sharing her body heat with him. Sokka groaned, his eyes closed. Sensations burst through his skin, his nerves waking again after shutting down massively over his sudden crisis. His body felt real again, and breathing was no longer as difficult as it had been before. Now each breath came smoothly, just as smoothly as her touch.
"Azula…" he gasped, breathing out through his mouth as she kissed his throat.
His hands had slipped past her clothes, touching her bare skin as her bindings came off. His touch made her shiver, no doubt because of the still noticeable difference of their temperatures. Yet she didn't recoil from his touch: she welcomed it fully, even though Sokka's hands weren't touching her urgently. It wasn't a tryst like the ones they had experienced so far: his caresses slid over her body without the same arousing intent as always. The touch was gentle, just as every kiss he could press to Azula's face. He cupped her cheeks and kissed her deeply, closing his eyes and letting their lips and breaths mingle together.
He sought to make out her essence, the very core of her being, and Azula was more than willing to reveal herself to him fully. She no longer had it in her to fear the consequences of voicing her love for him. Not when he was as fragile as he was, when he could shatter under the weight of his sins if she wasn't there to help him carry them.
As his sponsor, as his partner, it was her job to keep him safe. It was her responsibility to make sure Sokka would be able to face the challenges she set for him. Only Azula could put him back together once he had fallen apart. She had done it before… and she would do it again as many times as it might be needed. She didn't think she could heal all his wounds on her own… but that didn't mean she wouldn't try to help him in whatever way she could. He was the man she loved, after all. He fought for her, lived for her, stood by her side no matter what: she couldn't lose him. The mere thought was so painful she couldn't care less about protecting herself anymore. Her love for him could backfire, everything could go wrong in the least expected moment… but none of that would hurt more than losing him irreparably.
They were partners. They were lovers. They were two elements balancing around one another, so similar in shape and form, so opposite when it came to their very natures. They understood each other in ways nobody else did. Their souls resounded together, with a bond too powerful to be broken.
As the remaining clothes were scattered on the bedroom floor, she straddled his hips and brought him inside her: he reacted with a gasp, both from surprise and pleasure. Every sensation so far had been calling him back from his lowest point… but this moment, as they joined together on the deepest level yet, was the final awakening.
"Sokka…" she gasped, leaning down to kiss him. Her body trembled, and so did her lips as they pressed to his.
Sokka closed his eyes, embracing her tightly. Their intimacy had long surpassed lust, becoming something less instinctive and more passionate, something deeper and meaningful.
Azula buried her face in his shoulder, and Sokka sat up while holding her still. Their bodies remained linked, pressed together in full contact. His hands rested on her back, his breath hitching and his mind clearing.
"Azula… hell, Azula…" he gasped, kissing her exposed shoulder and neck as she lifted her head.
She gazed at him, caressing his face. She breathed heavily, her eyes brightening with recognition. He was no longer as cold as before, their temperatures roughly even now. He leaned closer, pressing his forehead to hers.
"I'm…" he started, but she kissed him rashly, silencing him effectively.
"Don't apologize," she whispered, when their lips parted. "Please, Sokka…"
"I didn't mean to lose my mind like this," he said, dropping his gaze. "And with everything I just said…"
"You couldn't take it anymore. You've… you've held too much inside for too long," she said, shaking her head. "It's not your fault that your demons caught up with you. You never expected or demanded an apology from me when I went through the same…"
"You didn't put yourself under freezing, running water when it did, though," said Sokka, swallowing hard.
"If anything, that only means you're far more tormented than I ever realized. On a deeper level than you should be," said Azula, gritting her teeth. "I'm sorry I snapped at you when I found you. I didn't know…"
"I'm sorry you had to find me like that, too," he said, hugging her tightly. "We shouldn't have let this go so far…"
"We won't. Not again," said Azula, kissing his neck. "We're not keeping important things from each other anymore. It's been bad enough already… it's time we learn this stupid lesson for once and for all."
"I agree" said Sokka, squeezing her tighter before seeking out her lips with his.
They kissed eagerly, as though the act itself was enough to convey everything their words could only fall short with. They could taste the despair in each other's lips, as they held onto one another with their very souls. Fingers slid over skin, the gentle caresses making out the outlines of the other's body. Azula's hands touched Sokka's scars, grazing them kindly with her fingertips.
He broke from their kiss, breathing heavily, and he gasped when she shifted atop him. She sighed, the sensation of his manhood inside her as pleasant as ever. But she didn't merely seek pleasure from him with her actions: she sought to relieve him from his nightmares, to soothe him and give him solid grounds on which to stand. He wouldn't fight his demons alone anymore; she would see to that.
Her rocking motions were eventually met by Sokka's light thrusts too, yet they remained in that same sitting position. She continued to caress him, falling into a steady rhythm slowly as she reclaimed his lips once more with hers. He held her by surrounding her waist with his arms, relishing in her every caress and gesture as his chest ached.
"I love you…" he whispered against her lips, as though speaking the words alone would give him peace and soothe the pain in his chest. It didn't do away with the pain entirely, but it certainly helped when she kissed him again.
The mixed emotions were far too overwhelming for the lovers, enveloped in a whirlwind of passion as they were. Regardless of the pain, of the pleasure, of the joy and the tears, there was one certainty they clung to: they refused to let anything else come between them. Their lives were fully intertwined just as their bodies were. They needed one another desperately: there was no Azula without Sokka anymore. There was no Sokka without Azula.
A droplet of sweat rolled down Sokka's brow as Azula continued to thrust against him. She leaned closer to him, hugging him as she sighed in bliss: he wasn't cold anymore. His body had returned to normal, at last…
"Sokka…" she whispered, kissing his neck as he groaned.
"I love you… Azula," he replied, for the umpteenth time that night. He had thrown his head back, his lips parted.
His arms held her strongly, albeit his body was shivering with arousal now. She had enveloped him completely as she continued to kiss him passionately. The sensations were escalating steadily, exponentially, and she knew she wouldn't last much longer…
"And I… you, Sokka…!" she moaned, doing her very best to keep her voice down to muffle her cries of passion.
Sokka kissed her when her orgasm finally shook her entire body, and her every sound poured directly into him. It was no surprise that he would burst inside her right afterwards, gasping and moaning as well in the contact between their lips. His hips shifted despite he didn't have much room to maneuver, but he unleashed everything regardless, just as Azula had wanted him to.
He moved down to kiss her neck as she continued to breathe heavily, their bodies still pressed together. The heat between them offered all the comfort they could have needed.
"Feeling… better yet?" she asked, caressing the back of his neck with a hand. Sokka nodded and kissed her shoulder.
"I guess I'm myself again…" he said earnestly, smiling a little before kissing her lips. "Thank you. Thank you…"
Azula smiled and nodded too, leaning in to kiss him again. Sokka sighed, closing his eyes and pressing fully against her. She was a true blessing, one he doubted he'd ever feel worthy of. But here she was, caring for him in ways no one ever had before. She was a bright light, showing him that the darkness he had fled from for years wasn't as all-consuming as he had feared. She was here with him, and that was what mattered most. She inspired him to become a better man. She made his life worthwhile.
He remained locked around her, kissing her lips, her neck, her collarbone, her shoulders, everywhere he could reach. She returned the favor in kind, her legs wrapped around him as they dropped on the mattress. His struggles were far from over, Sokka knew… but he knew better than to give up hope by now. Even if his father might prefer him dead, if his tribe would never accept him amongst them again… even then, Azula needed him. And that was all he needed, in turn, to face life with his head held high.