Chapter CXIII

Regret and Uncertainty

With a hesitant hand, I put the scissors down. I gaze at my unrecognizable reflection, and regrets invade me, proliferating like poisonous weeds. For the first time in my life, I cut my hair short … horribly short. My front locks barely touch my eyebrows, timidly brushing them from afar. I thinned them out, to the point where there's as much hair on the floor as on my head. For as long as I can remember, my hair has always been particularly thick. It feels really weird, especially since it was rather long. It's now difficult to grab it.

Unfortunately, I forgot a rather important detail, and I realized it when it was too late. The black mark on the back of my neck is no longer hidden by my silver locks; the fabric of my mask only covers a little more than half of it and therefore, it's fully visible to the eyes of the world. "Maa… It's not like everyone doesn't already know," I reassure myself with a sigh.

Unless I mould my chakra, it won't overwhelm the gaze. With my accomplished ninja jacket, it should be fine. There's no point in moping; the damage is done, and it will grow back with time…

I throw the strands of hair piled up everywhere in the trash. I dust myself off to get rid of the last filaments stuck to my clothes that I condemn with the others. I feel naked; I feel unpleasant breezes. It will take me some time to get used to it. Nevertheless, I hope that its current length will put Naruto off any desire to hyper-fixate on it… Not to mention that he's waiting for me in the bedroom to impose his damn disgusting grooming ritual on me…

I look at myself one last time in the mirror, more precisely at my right eye. For once, it's normal and doesn't give me incessant shivers down my spine. Obviously, this darkness in me is dormant … or it doesn't want to show itself. By focusing on my mark, on which I put my hand, I don't perceive its presence either. 'Is this the right time?' I ask.

Silence…

More silence.

Nothing else.

'Hey… Are you there...?' I don't get any feedback, not even a small glance… It seems that this entity doesn't want to connect with me for the moment. I sigh. I have time to kill tonight; Sakura plans to visit me at dawn. The opportunity to pick up where we left off seems propitious and ideal. If I dive into my mind, into this dark and wintry universe, it will flee from me and disappear into the infinite expanses of ice if it doesn't want to converse with me. I have no choice but to wait…

This said wait is hellish. I want to elucidate its mysteries. I have so many things to ask it, including what happened on that night. Of course, I have to find out if it's an ally or an enemy. Sure, it seems receptive and docile, but it's still an unpredictable threat, forcing me to be cautious.

I return to my room. To my surprise, Naruto is flipping through a book from my bookshelf. He skims the pages before putting it back in its place. He's about to grab the next one when I pass through the curtain of marbles. The familiar sound of ornaments clashing catches his attention; he turns his head towards me, smiling from ear to ear.

However, his smile immediately vanishes, as does any trace of joy in him.

His sapphire eyes stare at my silver hair and don't deviate from it. The blond freezes, visibly shocked since he no longer blinks. To tell the truth, I struggle to discern the depth of his thoughts and what he feels; his sudden reaction worries me a little…

"What? Am I that ugly...?"

A silence settles in.

My student continues to stare at me for too long, which makes me uncomfortable and accentuates my already too present regrets… Did I really do something stupid...? Although his bluish and darkened irises no longer leave my skull, Naruto finally moves. Shoulders low, so low that they sink into the ground, he approaches with a staggering step. His trembling fingers brush my locks … and I notice that his eyes are filling with water.

"No way… Don't tell me you're gonna cry over this?"

The effect is immediate. Naruto starts to moan and clear waterfalls slide down his cheeks. His hands futilely wipe away the torrents of tears… It's my turn to be shocked by his sudden meltdown, and I have no idea what to do. Why is he crying?! Why is he in such a state?! I didn't shave my head, though…

"Na… Naruto… It'll grow back…", I stammer, sliding a hand into my nonexistent locks.

As his cries continue, his sniffles as well, the feral boy gently grabs my wrist to force me to follow him to the bed. He puts his hands on my shoulders, on which he applies pressure, ordering me to sit down. Somewhat confused and troubled, I comply and cross my legs. Naruto walks around me, perpetually drying the rivers on his face with his forearm. Behind me, he lets himself fall back to his knees and grooms my hair of drool and tears, all the while whining loudly…

I let out the longest sigh of my life.

Not only was cutting my hair pointless, I made him cry for obscure reasons…

And his crying won't stop!

- XxX -

Slowly, the sky is swallowed up by the morning light. The dew moistens the shivering air, and the birds offer their ode to the sun by singing. Fatigue catches up with me, especially on an emotional level. Naruto cried all night and continues to sob. I feel like he's grieving for my hair… He's also due for a haircut and seeing him in such a state just for that, I sincerely fear how he will react. He won't let me cut it nicely, that's understood.

I go out onto the balcony; leaning on the guard, I read while waiting for Sakura. I took care to cover my hideous arms with bandages, in case I come across someone. I can still hear Naruto's distant sorrow… I tried to silence his pain, but nothing works; he's absolutely inconsolable. Since there's nothing to do, I ignore him as best I can with a sigh…

I turn my head when I finally see Sakura, who finishes climbing the stairs. With a blank stare, she seems lost in thought; her body is on autopilot. I catch a glimpse of her large bag behind her, which contains the necessary equipment for her visit.

"Yo!" I call out to her loudly.

The girl raises her head and gasps. Her emerald eyes linger on my massacred hair. "Ka… Kakashi-sensei! Good morning," she stammers. "You … you cut your hair?"

"Alas," I sigh. My face betrays my regret, as she arches an eyebrow, worried. "I did it hoping Naruto would leave them alone. Not only was it pointless, Naruto hasn't stopped crying since."

"What do you mean?"

"Who knows…" I let out an exhausted sigh. "Maa, whatever. Let's not waste any more time. I'd like to go to bed. I'm exhausted…"

I put my book in my pocket before opening the door to my apartment to let her in… However, Sakura just stands there waiting.

"Hmm? What's wrong?" I ask, tilting my head to the right.

The teenager frowns and pinches her nose as she takes a step back. "I… Excuse me, Kakashi-sensei, but I refuse to come in," she says through her nose, suppressing a hiccup of disgust.

I blink repeatedly. My confusion increases when she turns green. The smell bothers her… Yet, when I sniff the air, no pestilential scent assaults me. Certainly, a wild fragrance fills my home, but it's not unpleasant—on the contrary, it's a sweet, familiar scent.

"Um… I agree that I'm no longer asphyxiated by Naruto's strong odours as before… But it doesn't stink as much, does it?"

She stares at me with horrified eyes. "I'll be honest with you. I've been holding myself back from vomiting since you opened the door…"

"Really…?" I mumble.

"Kakashi-sensei… It was bearable before you were … marked. It's your smell that's the problem. It's a hundred times worse than Naruto's…"

I… My arms drop. I sniff myself subtly… I'm not repulsed by my body odour. I recently took a shower, and I'm perfectly calm. Am I spreading some damn pheromones again?! "I'm not spreading any pheromones, though…"

"I know… Otherwise, honestly, I would've left…"

I look at my hands with a bad eye, at myself. Why is this happening to me?! Why do I stink?! And to my dismay, there's nothing I can do! I can't even use perfume to alleviate this stench stuck to my skin; they make me sick and dizzy. This goes without saying with strong soaps and shampoos, including cleaning products. No matter how much I drown my skin in the only brand of soap that doesn't irritate my sensitive nose, it won't be enough to make it disappear. It's a good thing I'm immune to it … although it's ruining my social life now…

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I hear sniffles near me. Naruto's face is streaming with tears, and his eyes are still red and puffy. Quickly, I notice my silver hair that is supposed to be in the trash and not in his shaking palms. Am I dreaming?! Judging by the tuft, he's picked it all up and is showing it to me, as if he had just discovered the death of his beloved pet.

"Uh… What… Put it back where you found it!" I order him, pointing to the bathroom.

Naruto starts whining and holds it even tighter.

"Put it back in the trash and stop crying!" I grumble, waving my arm. "How many times do I have to tell you?! It'll grow back!"

The teenager hiccups loudly and, with a slow gait, he returns to the bathroom. He's so devastated that his black tail drags behind, lifeless; to that, he's completely ignored Sakura, who has ceased to exist in his universe drowned under torrents of tears.

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose with exasperation. "I'm sincerely sorry. For that, and for my infamous smell of carrion…"

Sakura remains silent, visibly destabilized by what she's just seen.

"It's not ideal, but we'll do the samples outside," I give up, grabbing a chair. Fortunately, this immunity to these carrion smells allows me to detect the scent of blood again. I wouldn't be surprised if Naruto had an emotional breakdown … all for a handful of hair…

Sakura uses the chair, on which she prepares her equipment. As for me, I remain standing, rolling up my sleeve to reveal the crook of my elbow.

"Kakashi-sensei, can I ask you a question?" Sakura asks me, syringe in hand.

"Hmm?"

Her heart races; nervousness takes over her. She hesitates for a breath. "Can you tell me why you keep your nails so long...?"

My heart stops before starting off at full speed. I always stuff my hands in my pockets if someone lingers on them… During this full moon night, Sakura and Shikamaru must have examined my hands firmly tied behind my back. Not knowing what to answer, I shrug… However, my irregular heart betrays me when Sakura feels my skin, looking for a vein. Obviously, she now knows that I'm hiding something about my mutant chakra devourer nails.

'Please. Don't ask me again,' I implore inwardly. The desire to explain myself and thus risk revealing my terrible secret, that of these fangs in my mouth, is nonexistent.

With anxiety, I wait for Sakura to finish the blood samples. I dread every second—the fear in my stomach that she'll question me again. To my great relief, she sketches a smile as she removes the needle from my flesh.

"I'm done," she announces to me, carefully putting away her equipment.

She pauses. "Kakashi-sensei…"

'Don't dig any deeper! Please!'

"Can you look me in the eye?"

I… I thought she would ask about my nails. That said, her request is weird and rather suspicious… "Uh… Okay," I agree, arching an eyebrow.

We look into each other's eyes and it's quickly awkward… I sense a certain fear in her; at that, Sakura holds her breath.

A light bulb lights up on my head when I understand the purpose of her request. "Sakura… Why are you trying to meet its gaze?"

"Uh… I… You know that darkness is betrayed in your eyes…?"

I nod. "I know, as I know that it sometimes connects to my vision. During my hospitalization, I saw it more than once. Of course, I was far from suspecting that it was its gaze and not mine that I was looking at." Mechanically, I stroke the back of my neck. This entity isn't here. "It's not awake. You won't see it."

I narrow my eyes, suspicious. "Why did you want to see it, Sakura?"

"Shikamaru told me that he saw it every time he saw you… I was curious since I've never seen it."

"Really?"

She nods. I thought it showed itself in my pupil all the time, especially in the presence of others… This is clearly not the case. Curious.

"According to Ino, this thing inside you gives nightmares," she continues darkly. "Aren't you worried that it might … take over your body?"

"A little, to be honest. That said, it gently remains in a corner, as if it doesn't exist. Unlike Naruto, I didn't have to start a mental fight against it. So, I remain optimistic."

"I see." Sakura displays a sincere smile. The cockroaches on her head have flown away. She must have been worried that I'd be swallowed up by this darkness forever.

"I know you're not very … appreciated at the moment," she says. "Are you still planning to come with Naruto at the end of the week?"

"Come? Where?"

"You know? The festival, the one that closes the end of summer."

With my life more chaotic than ever, the training, this entity and the anxieties that eat away at me… It had slipped my mind. "Oh! I had completely forgotten!" I chuckle before crossing my arms. "Maa, I don't know yet."

"Why not? Everyone will be there, and it'd be an opportunity for Naruto to see his friends and reconnect. Maybe even remember something."

"I'm not the one deciding…"

"What do you mean?"

I let out a sigh and look at the day still young. A few lonely clouds appear and let themselves be carried by the horizon. "We'll see if I end up in a cage or not…"

Sakura holds her breath, horrified by this sordid news.

"The council is still deliberating," I continue. "Lady Tsunade is doing her best to get us out of this mess and sadly, there's a good chance that the verdict will be that of our imprisonment."

"That… That can't be," Sakura mumbles. "Is it related to that night?"

Silent, I nod.

"It wasn't your fault! You weren't in control of your actions! And—"

"Sakura. Whether I'm guilty or not, it doesn't change that the council has been trying to lock Naruto up from the start. They're using this incident as leverage to imprison him and put him out of harm's way. In their eyes, Naruto is a feral beast and I'm a chakra devourer in the making."

"But…"

"There's nothing to be done, Sakura. My hands are tied. I can only wait for the verdict and accept it."

A silence settles in.

"Marked or not, I'll be locked up too if Naruto comes to be. Our lives are chained to the other. I'm dependent on his venom as he is for me and my chakra. To condemn one means to condemn both."

My student looks at me with pity, worry and sorrow.

"Maa, as long as it's not a death sentence, it's not the end of the world," I try to reassure her. "A release isn't to be excluded. Bringing the dead back to life is quite another." I put a friendly hand on her shoulder, smiling. "You don't have to worry Sakura. Everything will go back to normal."

Shyly, she returns my smile…

But her smile is false.

"You're right, sensei."

My own words… I hardly believe them…

The pessimism is tenacious—a deadly poison…

I'm convinced that my time is running out…