I stared at the blinking cursor, unsure of what to type. It had been about two months since Aziza left my apartment. We had seen each other in passing. She would exchange pleasantries but nothing more. Her instagram stories showed her out more with different people but that is unsurprising; she is a social butterfly.
I've had two therapy sessions since I told Ashton about the night Theo was killed. We have deep dived a bit more into the pressures of being Guild, keeping my family happy, and Aziza. We were unpacking my fears about moving forward with her, not being able to be fully honest about everything. Ashton thought I should at least have a sit down conversation with Aziza, just to clear some of the air because I do care for her. If nothing else, I do want to salvage some sort of friendship, though I should know from Tess, it doesn't work.
We still had not truly gotten into the dreams, how real they feel nor me believing I've seen her in places. Dreams had briefly been mentioned but not explored further. I've gone back to intermittently dreaming about her rather than how it was weeks prior. I've kept the whole I've seen her here in Arizona quiet, she might think I have other mental health issues to deal with.
I closed out the message app and returned my focus back to some reading I needed to do. A couple hours passed when I felt hunger creeping up. I packed my things up, thinking what I could grab near the library. I felt eyes on me, so I did a quick sweep before turning around.
"Hey," Aziza smiled, she was hesitant, "I was finishing up a research paper and saw you over here."
"I actually was just thinking about you. I was going to text you but I wasn't quite sure what it was wanted to say," I whispered, catching the eye of a student nearby studying.
"Oh," her mouth formed the perfect O. She frowned.
"Can we grab something to eat right now?" I asked, shifting, nervous.
"I actually need to finish up some sources for this paper," she held up a book "Then head home for the night but," she started but I cut her off. No need to beat around the bush with me.
"No worries, just forget I said anything," I forced a smile, shoving the remainder of my things in my bag. "I'll see you around."
"Wait, can I finish before you storm out of here?" She asked, her hand on my wrist. I quirked an eyebrow, she slid her hand down mine, grazing my fingers.
"What I was going to say, is I need to head home for the night but if you want to grab a bite and talk tomorrow, I am available between 8:00 and 11, and then free after 6:00. I'd really love to talk," she finished. She was looking at me intently, studying me almost.
"I won't be free until after noon, so after 6. Just hit me up when you're available around then," I smiled this time.
"For sure," she nodded.
We went our separate ways. I was already planning in my head what I needed to say. I didn't want to mess this up. I needed to know what I wanted from this conversation. I needed to figure out how I wanted to move forward. Frankly, I was bracing myself for what she would say and/or do.
I fiddled with my phone awkwardly as I waited for Aziza to show at the coffee shop not too far from campus. I scrolled aimlessly, looking at the door every few minutes to see if I could catch her walking in. I managed to get a table that was tucked away by itself but with a clear view of the door. It gave some privacy for this conversation despite being in public.
Breathe Cal, just breathe. It is going to be okay. She will either understand or she will run away screaming and tell anyone who will listen that you have completely lost your mind talking about monsters.
That did not come close to helping me relax, not even a little bit. I think that made it worse. I gnawed at my bottom lip, trying to pull myself from my thoughts. I had zoned out the chatter around me. I looked at the time on my watch 6:30, she should be here by now. Maybe she bailed. It was stupid of me to do this. I should leave.
"Hey," she breathed, sliding into the seat in front of me.
"Did you run here?" I smiled.
"Practically. I could't find a solid parking spot," she took a deep breath, "so I said fuck it, and parked a little distance and walked briskly. I am sorry I am late," she placed her hand on top of mine but quickly pulled it away.
"It is okay, I was a little worried," I glanced away, "can I get you something?" I asked.
She nodded. I ordered our drinks and came back to the table. We sipped silently. Neither of us chomping at the bit to talk first. This was on me though, I asked her to meet with me.
"So," I spoke, her sharp eyes on me immediately.
Anxiety hit my stomach immediately. I felt the flip and the drop, my heart racing. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. I felt like running. It got quiet. My eyes focused to see her hand resting on top of mine.
"Callie, are you okay? It's okay. I promise you are ok," she said softly, reassuring me without prompting.
I took a deep breath in through my nose, and exhaled through my mouth. I turned my hand so I could grip hers, wordlessly thanking her for calming me. She gave me another reassuring smile, moving back to widen the space between us. I relaxed my shoulders.
"Aziza, first, I am so genuinely and deeply sorry for how I have treated you. I am sorry for shutting you out emotionally but yet leaning on you for physical and emotional intimacy. I am sorry for at times, being so head over heels into you and abruptly pulling back when it seemed like we were getting too close," I rattled off, "I can't tell you how sorry I am about our last night together," I paused. She watched me, studied me; her eyes never left me.
"I get so protective of certain things. Well, protective of my past and personal life. It isn't something everyone would understand but still, that is no excuse," I continued. I reached over for her hand this time.
"I am so sorry for hurting you, for seemingly playing with you, for being so hot and cold with you, for being scared, and for shutting you out when you yourself have always been so open and honest with me," I finished.
She nodded slowly. She hadn't said anything. She hadn't moved her hand either. Yet, she was silent. She shifted, leaning in closer but not taking her hand away. I waited for her to say something, anything really.
"Calliope, I accept your apology. Thank you for it. It wasn't necessarily needed but I thank you for being genuine," she smiled and I relaxed a little.
"But?" I asked.
"But sweet girl," she smiled softly, "I am still mad at you," she answered plainly.
"I really care about you. Actually, I really like you. I like spending time with you. I like talking to you about anything under the sun. I love watching your passion in anything that you do. I love how you light up talking about your mom and your brothers," she sighed, "Cal, you are someone I want to be with but I don't think you want the same," she leaned back.
I looked down at our intertwined fingers. Her thumb softly circled the back of my hand. Her sweet but woody scent took over me, clouded my senses. I was so aware of her in this moment.
"Aziza, I…I like you," I admitted, finally. "I like you much more than I wanted to let myself believe."
Her smile took over her whole face. She looked away bashfully but returned her gaze.
"Why?" She asked.
"It is complicated. This may not be the best place to talk about it honestly but my life, it was…it is still complicated." I stated plainly.
"What can you tell me? Who is Juliette?" She asked.
"My ex-girlfriend from high school," I answered with no hesitation.
"Hmm," she hummed, "She was your only?" She asked. I shook my head in response.
"Well not my first relationship but I would say first love for sure."
"What is special about her that you still say her name in your sleep?" She asked, curious.
"That is complicated," I chuckled to myself.
"Can you make it, let's say, un-complicated for me? So I can understand you better?" She asked.
Again, I nodded. This time though, I thought very carefully of what I should say next. Was I supposed to just jump in head first with my family is a century old legacy monster fighting family or start with Juliette is my legacy vampire ex-girlfriend who I dream about and see too much for comfort.
"Callie, you're in your head," Aziza spoke softly.
I looked up at her. I moved my hand, folding my arms over my chest as if it could help me hold in some of the words that were threatening to spill from my lips. I leaned back, closing my eyes. I remembered my mom's words, whatever about our family history, the crazy shit no one would believe is true, I think she would.
Knowing I couldn't stall any longer, I put it all out on the table. I explained how I come form a
long line of monster hunters, having to stop to explain monster like ghouls, goblins, zombies, and more. She listened attentively, jaw slack. I told her how we moved constantly, wherever the Guild wanted us to go - we went. I told her that no place had really ever felt like home until Savannah, until Juliette.
"I'm sorry Cal, you want me to believe there are monsters and monster hunters?" She asked incredulously. I gave her a pleading look, I knew what I was asking her to believe was, well, hard to believe.
"Please just hear me out," I begged, and she nodded hesitantly. I kept explaining the life of monster hunters. Slowly but surely it seemed like she was starting to open up to this crazy idea that monsters were truly a thing. I delved deeply into vampires specifically.
This is where it took a bit more explaining. I had to explain that Legacy Vampires weren't so much made like we saw in Twilight nor like vampires made in Vampire Diaries. Though, Legacies are like the Originals, which she seemed to understand. I explained how Legacy Vampires, look just like us. They know how to hide in plain sight. If you aren't paying attention, you'd think they were just as human as yourself.
I explained how I found out she was a vampire. How we were sworn enemies. I explained how I staked her but she didn't die because well, she couldn't. Aziza quickly chalked that up to her being a Legacy. I told her about the hunt, how I lost the only one's I really knew as aunt and uncle.
"Hold on, you had a monster hunting girlfriend too?" Aziza asked in disbelief.
"Ex," I corrected, "she was very much an ex at that time."
"Same difference," she giggled, "you were worse than me. No wonder she told on you to her parents." She laughed more, and I rolled my eyes. I thought about that and the fact I hadn't spoken to her since the night her parents were killed.
"Okay, I am sorry, continue please," she cleared her throat, getting silent and turning on her listening ears. She placed her elbows on the table, resting her chin on her hands. She was ready for more.
I walked her through the rest of our story and my time in Savannah, even how Theo was turned into a vampire. How my dad was destroyed by this and my family fell apart.
"Wait wait wait, she turned your own brother into a vampire?" Aziza whispered in disbelief.
"She did," I shrugged, "for the right reason I guess but it was the worst thing she could do to him, considering his mother was killed by a vampire."
"Jesus," she shook her head. "Ok, did anything else happen? This is a lot to take in."
"That was pretty much it. I told her that I would spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to kill her kind," I broke eye contact, this was an actual regret of mine.
"I finished up high school, avoided her and moved out here. I haven't been back to Savannah since," I finished.
"Savannah," she said with a question, then it was as if a light bulb turned on, "holy shit Calliope, there is a lot of crazy stuff happening in Savannah right now. Don't you know?" She questioned.
"How do you know that?" I asked, a thousand questions rushing through my mind.
"What do you mean? There is a whole side of TikTok going on about a possible serial killer in Savannah, true crime experts are on this hot," she spoke as if I should have known this information.
"I don't pay TikTok much attention, you know this," I cocked my head to the side, frowning.
'Yeah because you're a weirdo," she giggled. I smiled, maybe I was.
"Listen, Calliope, there is no way I can fully grasp all that you have told me. This is giving science fiction and horror. I," she paused, clearly taking her time to think, "I am so incredibly surprised you have continued to function the way you have with all of that stuff happening to you. I obviously have a million more questions and still need to wrap my head around this."
"You make so much more sense to me; how guarded you are and how you really keep to yourself. How the fuck could anyone outside of that world truly understand all that you have dealt with," she looked so worried, "Here I thought I was a mess being the reason my mom found out my dad was cheating on her," she chuckled to herself.
"What I mean to say Cal, I wish you knew that you didn't have to do this alone."
I felt a lump in my throat. My heart felt heavy with emotions I could not quite put my finger on. That may be something to unpack in therapy. Outside of my mom and truthfully, outside of Juliette, I had never felt this validated in my life. I definitely have never felt as validated and heard from someone outside of our world. I wanted to say something but there wasn't much I feel like I could say.
"I can't tell you enough how much it means to me that you took this crazy shit, listened to me, and took the time to understand me," I stopped, blinking to hold tears back, "You have no idea how much I appreciate you Aziza. You don't understand how afraid I am to share this information and how duty bound I am to not share it with anyone not in it." I wiped at my eyes. Crying in public was not an option for me.
"Thank you for trusting me enough, that means the world to me, and for wanting to talk after everything" she answered sincerely. "I don't think I reacted well our last time together. I just got frustrated when you forced space between us. That wasn't fair to you."
"You were allowed to and I should say, it was fair for you to feel the way you felt. I can only assume what it is like to be with someone who was as hot/cold as I was with you when we would get too close," I reassured her. She smiled, grateful.
"So, what do we do with ourselves now?" Aziza asked, serious.
"Honestly," I paused, thinking carefully about what I wanted to say. Like would it be too crazy to expose all of this and then be like hey girl let's date.
"Honestly, I'd like to date you, formally. Then we can see where we go?" I asked. She dropped her head, smiling.
"Seriously?" She asked, eyes searching mine.
"Deadly," I held her gaze. She bit her lip, holding back a smile.
"Who would've though I'd see the day," she laughed, and I laughed with her.
Maybe it would be okay to do this, to let go of Juliette and move forward with Aziza. Though, I did keep some secrets. She doesn't know I still dream about her, still see her, in the rare moments - search for her - and I may never tell her.