Disclaimer: I do not own any of the material appearing in this story. The OC's belong to their respective owners.
Before Myra Entered Toad Town
Beep beep beep!
A hand hit the digital alarm clock, striking it at exactly 6 AM. At that moment, Cortana popped out of her chip. "Good morning, Chief…" Cortana said as she stretched a bit as she watched him get out of bed.
"Morning."
Cortana immediately turned away as his clothes were thrown on the bed as he went to take a shower. Then he came out a few minutes later and got himself dressed.
"I'm decent."
Cortana turned around, seeing him already put his suit on. "So, another day, another potential day off in a place such as this."
"You know Spartans don't take day offs."
"Yeah, true, but it's either this or me getting bored out of my mind while you sleep in some cryotube for who knows how long."
"Fair point." Chief put his helmet on.
"And besides, the war with the Covenant is over, the Flood is no more… and well, the bad news is that we're probably KIA to the UNSC and no way of knowing how to contact them, buuuuuut I'm sure we can manage."
"We always do."
"Yup!" Cortana nodded as he grabbed her chip and placed her inside of his helmet. "Not to mention I honestly prefer this kind of quiet compared to what we've been through."
"You'd rather fight Salem?"
"It's either her or more Covenant. Honestly, she'd be a breath of fresh air."
Chief let out a small chuckle as he walked out of the room, and saw the Mercenaries and Blood Gulch Gang in their natural habitat and roughhousing.
"You call this quiet?"
"Well… I'll take it over what we had earlier. Heck, even Eggman was a nice change of pace."
"Mornin' Chief!" Sarge waved.
Chief said nothing but did a little nod to him before walking out, proceeding to do a few laps around Toad Town.
Later…
"Hey." Grif said as he was looking out through Toad Town.
"Yeah?" Simmons wondered.
"You ever wonder what's underneath Chief's helmet?"
"It's one of life's greatest mysteries."
"Yeah… sooooo, what do you think is underneath that visor?"
"Another helmet."
"...God, you're boring."
"Oh, well excuse me for not knowing. Nobody knows what's underneath the helmet! I doubt that even the Ultimate Gamer Girl would know what's underneath it."
"Well, why don't we just go on up and ask her?"
"We can't."
"What do you mean "We can't"? She's very approachable!"
"Look over there." Simmons pointed to the distance as Grif looked, pulling out some binoculars.
"Huh, look at that. Her boy toy is carrying her on his back… she has shades over her face. Ooooh, that girl did some drinking."
"What do you think caused her to drink?"
"I dunno. Rage quitting over Smash Bros? Losing to that Steve asshole? For all I know, she probably took a shot every time she died in a game."
"But what would she take a shot for?"
The two of them looked at each other.
"Super Meat Boy/Castlevania. CASTLEVANIA/SUPER MEAT BOY?! That's the dumbest thing I've heard!" They both said.
"Okay okay!" Grif shook his head. "Chiaki's out. Maybe the Phantom Thieves'll know."
"They're probably doing super secret Phantom Thief stuff. There's no way we'd probably get them involved."
"Yeah, good point… but maybe there's something WAY better than just a fucking helmet."
"Okay. What do you think is underneath the helmet?" Simmons asked.
"Simple. He's got a very embarrassing scar on his cheek. No no no no wait, he's bald! He's got a shiny round head!"
Simmons pictured it in his head, picturing Chief as a bald man. "...Okay, why did I picture him as that Saitama guy? That's what I get for watching that anime with Snake."
"What are you boneheads up to?" Sarge walked over to them.
"We're trying to figure out what's underneath Chief's helmet." Simmons said.
"Bah, that's an invasion of the man's privacy! Show some respect for the one and only!"
"But aren't you the least bit curious? He could have buck teeth or blimp lips!" Grif said.
"Pass." Sarge walked off.
"Not even… if Chief had your face behind the mask?"
Sarge stopped walking.
"Just imagine. Him with your face."
"...Grif. Are you suggesting that the Master Chief has some extremely good complexion and a handsome rogue like me?"
"Perhaps~"
"Dag gone it, that's the most convincing way to get me on board. I'm in!"
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Simmons yelled.
Scout walked by. "Nah, he's definitely a normal person with no teeth. He's all gummy!"
"Nuh-uh!" Soldier spoke up. "Master Chief is definitely a horse man! He's not human at all!"
"What?" Tucker said in shock. "Nuh-uh! He's definitely Jackie Chan! …Or maybe he's Awkwafina… no no no, Jackie Chan! NO NO WAIT! Maybe he's the reincarnation of Bruce Lee! Maybe… he's Chuck Norris! No no, Jackie Chan! Or maybe he's the leader of Cobra Kai! His first name's John, so his last name is probably Kreese!"
"Boys…" Sarge pumped his shotgun. "I'd say it's time we do a little investigating. Heheheh."
Later, after the whole Monokub fiasco…
"Soooo, what do you think of my kids?" Caboose asked Chief. "Do you think I can make a great father?"
Chief said nothing, but he patted him on the shoulder. "I think you'll make a great father."
"Yay!" Caboose hugged him and turned around. "Now to figure out what to feed these rascals."
"You sure that's a good idea? Given how we've heard stories of this one…"
"He's a special one. Best to be patient with him. And who knows, he might just surprise us."
"Well, considering he's got an army of Sharpedo and a marble that can summon a giant water dragon…" Cortana mused.
Nearby, Sarge, Simmons, Grif, Tucker, Scout and Soldier were hiding in a bush. "Here he comes!" Simmons whispered as Chief walked by… and fell into a pit trap.
"Ack!"
"Got 'em!" Sarge said as Grif pulled out a party popper, pulling the string and popping it.
"He fell for it!"
In reality…
Chief walked over the hidden pitfall trap… and just kept walking.
Huh?! They all thought in surprise as Chief walked past them.
"I don't get it!" Sarge said. "How in the hell did-"
"Hey fellers!" A voice said as they turned to see Goofy walking by. "What are you-"
"Wait, Goofy, STOP!" Simmons yelled.
The pitfall trap immediately activated.
"YAAAAHOOOHOOHOOOOEEEEY!"
THUD!
Everyone gathered around. "Are you okay down there?" Simmons asked.
"I'm okay! These Monty Moles broke my fall!"
"I'll get a ladder…" Simmons said as he walked off, only for Goofy to dig himself out and dusted himself off. He immediately pulled out a "Warning! Pitfall!" sign, complete with traffic cones as he walked off.
"Neeeever mind…" Simmons sweatdrop.
"Plan B!" Sarge said.
BGM: Argue For and Against (Touhou 10.5: Scarlet Weather Rhapsody)
Plan B…
Chief was seen entering the Shy Guy Buffet. He found what he was looking for and then sat down at a table. The moment he sat down, however… the apple pie he got sprung a boxing glove and punched him straight outside, knocking him out.
Pop!
"He fell for it!"
In reality…
Chief inspected his pie. "Hmmm…" He mused before shrugging it off as he reached for his drink.
BOOM!
It exploded and knocked him clean to the ground, his right leg twitching.
Pop!
"He fell for it!"
In reality… again…
"Happy birthday to you~! Happy birthday to you~! Happy birthday to yoooooou~!"
"Hmmm?" Chief looked up to see a cake delivered to him.
"Happy birthday to yooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"
At that moment, a Klaptrap burst out and tackled the Chief to the ground, ripping his helmet clean off.
Pop!
"He fell for it!"
In reality for possibly the third time…
"Happy birthday to you~! Happy birthday to you~! Happy birthday to yooooou~!"
Chief looked up to see a cake delivered to an Atlesian woman.
"Oh, for me?" She smiled, before suddenly, a man burst out of the cake. "Oh! Jason! When did you-"
"Janice, will you make me the happiest man on the planet and…" He pulled out a wedding ring. "Marry me?"
"Oh! Oh of course! I will!"
Everyone clapped, as even Chief joined in on the celebration before going back to his meal… and then the table started to move and revealed itself to be a robot… and proceeded to electrocute Chief and knocked him over.
Pop!
"He fell for it!"
Reality numero quatro…?
"So where are we going to get all that stuff?" Sarge asked.
"Uuuuh… I think the Pollendinas might work out." Grif said.
"They're all the way across town… outside of it, even! Do you really expect he'd be sitting there by the time we come back."
"Yes."
"I can rocket jump with the equipment." Soldier said.
"Let's check in on the chief real quick." Simmons said as they peeked in… and saw Chief was already done with his meal, all the while some ladies were having hearts over their eyes after he put his helmet back on.
"We're too late! Abort mission!" Sarge whispered as they took off running.
Plan C…
Scout immediately ran up to the Chief who was reading a book in the park. "Hey big guy, do you want some strawberry shortca- whooops!" He tripped over a rock, as Chief looked up only to get strawberry shortcake all over his visor.
"Aw come on!" Chief grumbled, proceeding to take his helmet off to clean it.
Pop!
"He fell for it!"
In reality…
"BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA!" Scout yelled as he ran out of the bakery, only for Erza to immediately grab him and used an uppercut to knock him up in the air, where she somehow also managed to punch his clothes off of his body.
Erza raised her hand as the cake and plate landed in her hands. "Mmm, yummy~!" Erza smiled as she ate it. "I ought to go check on Pyrrha…" She said as she walked off.
"...She punched off… his clothes." Grif said.
"I did not think that was physically possible." Sarge said.
"What a woman! Rrrrroooow!" Tucker said.
Meanwhile…
Chief was reading the newspaper as Scout slammed into the ground, groaning. "Uuuugh…"
"You might want to put some clothes on." Chief said, not bothering to look up from what he was reading.
End BGM
Many many many MANY plans later…
Chief walked into the base… only to get ambushed by the group. "Get him!"
"I got him! He's like a bear!"
"Good grief, get this rope on the other side!"
"Got him! Wait, no, that's my foot!" Soldier grumbled.
"I got him! I got him!"
"Ha, that was too easy!" Sarge said as they surrounded the Chief, having him tied to a chair in rope. "Alright. Now we get to figure out who you are. Any takers?"
"Gummy mouth!" Scout said.
"John Kreese!" Tucker said. "...No no no, Chuck Norris! Final answer!"
"My face!" Sarge said. "He's a handsome rogue after all!"
"A horse!" Soldier spoke up.
"Another mask." Simmons said.
"You're so boring. It's obviously a bald head!"
"Any final words, Chief?" Sarge asked.
"I can neither confirm nor deny those claims."
"Suit yourself!"
BGM: Open Treasure Box (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
Sarge slowly reached for his helmet with all of them leaning forward in anticipation. Sarge put his hands over the helmet and pulled it off.
End BGM
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!"
BGM: Item Get! (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
Behind the mask… was none other than Samus!
End BGM
"Hey boys." Samus said casually.
"What… huh?! YOU'RE Master Chief?!" Tucker said.
"Yeeeeup. Have you ever seen me in the same room together as him?"
"Well, there was that time in the Death Egg where you and Chief were separate." Grif pointed out.
"Let me let you in on a little secret." Samus said. "That Varia Suit is nothing more than a robot. I was inside this armor this whole time."
"WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" All of them yelled before fainting on the spot.
"Heh…" Samus chuckled as she casually broke free of the ropes and walked off, walking into an alleyway, looking both ways before determining the coast was clear. She took off the armor and then resummoned her Varia suit.
"Did they fall for it?"
"All yours, big guy." Samus said as she walked off, doing the peace sign on the way out as Chief put his armor back on, then put his helmet on.
"That'll throw them off for a while."
"Did they really think it was that easy?" Chief asked as he walked off with a small chuckle.
Ibuki: *cackling* Oh goodness! That was great!
Deadpool: I could've done it too!
You can't pull one over on the Chief.