Chapter 27: Over

I stood outside Paul's apartment, hand raised and ready to knock, my stomach still turning and twisting with dread. How was I meant to do this? How could I even attempt to prepare myself to have the most difficult conversation of my life with him?

The note I'd written for Jared was securely nestled in the pocket of my jacket. I'd just have to leave it somewhere in Jared's bedroom where Paul wouldn't find it.

If Paul discovered the real reason why I was leaving, he'd come after me, laughing at the thought of the Volturi actually being a threat to him.

He didn't understand just how powerful they were, though. He didn't understand that they could kill him in an instant—that Jane's power wasn't even close to the worst thing they could throw at us.

I clenched my first, about to knock, when the door swung open and Jared stood on the other side, a duffel bag slung across his chest. He looked surprised to see me for a moment before stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

I expected him to do what he normally did when he saw me and just stalk down the hall, completely ignoring my existence, so I was taken aback when he actually spoke to me.

"Paul's asleep," he explained in a hushed voice. "The door's unlocked for you."

"Thanks."

He took a deep breath. "Look…I know I've acted like an asshole to you and I'm sorry for that. You…you saved my life today. You didn't have to do that."

"I'm sure you would have done the same for me," I said.

"I'm not sure that I would have," he admitted. "Not before what happened today, anyway. I guess…I guess I'm just trying to say thank you."

"You're welcome."

He nodded at me tightly before walking down the hall and to the elevator. Of course Jared and I would make some progress right when I was about to break Paul's heart. I took a deep breath and opened the door to the apartment, immediately trying to memorize every detail of the little sanctuary I'd built with Paul.

My heart ached as my eyes fell on the couch that we'd spent so many nights curled up together, watching his favourite horror movies. My mouth lifted into a sad smile as I looked at the coffee maker that I'd nearly broken one morning when I'd tried to make Paul a coffee and couldn't figure how to work the machine.

I could hear his rhythmic breathing and his strong heartbeat in his bedroom and I felt myself coming apart.

I had no idea how I could this.

I snuck into Jared's bedroom and put the note on his nightstand. I stared at the letter for a few moments, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. I had to protect Paul and as long as I was here, he was in danger.

The image of Jane torturing Will shot through my mind, immediately followed by the image of Paul's body crumpling in pain as he'd jumped between us today in the forest to protect me.

I'd seen the clarity forming in Jane's eyes—it was bizarre for a wolf to put their neck on the line for a vampire and she caught it, despite our attempts at explaining why he'd defended me.

She could easily put the pieces together and would gleefully report back to Aro that I'd found a shred of happiness here and they'd do everything they could to destroy that. If I left and they came to Washington to get to me, they'd have no reason to harm Paul. Even if they put the pieces together about our relationship, my departure would prove to them that I didn't have any ties left here.

I exited Jared's room, quietly closing the door behind me, and stood outside of Paul's closed bedroom door, bracing myself for what I needed to do.

I opened Paul's door and stood in the doorway for a few moments, watching as he slept off the events of the day. My heart swelled in my chest at the sight of him—he looked so peaceful and calm in his slumber. He was a little bruised and scratched from the fight, but I could practically see the bruises fading before my eyes.

Obviously Jane's power wouldn't have left physical marks on someone, but I couldn't help but see his minor injuries as a result of what she'd done to him and it made me feel sick.

I was tempted to just leave while he slept—to write him a letter so I wouldn't have to actually say goodbye to him.

That was the cowardly route, though, and I owed it to him to actually speak with him before I left, no matter how messy it would get. I closed his bedroom door behind me and the sound of it made him stir slightly before his eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," he said. The smile that lit his face as he realized I was there made my heart ache. "You startled me."

"Sorry I woke you," I whispered.

"I'll sleep better with you here, anyway," he said. He held his arms open and I couldn't stop myself from falling into his warm embrace. I knew it was a mistake—I should have told him that we needed to talk and forced him out of his bed and into the living room so that I could do what I needed to do, but I couldn't help it. I needed to be held by him one last time before I ruined everything.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he assured me. "Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"How badly did she hurt you?"

"That's not why I'm not okay," I whispered. "She hurt you because of me."

"And I'm fine," he insisted. "She…she did that to you a lot when you were held captive by them, didn't she?"

I nodded tightly. "Almost everyday."

"God, Nat—"

"You shouldn't have jumped between us," I chided lightly. "They could've killed you and they probably would have if Edward hadn't intervened."

"Majority of the pack was nearby," he said. "The crypt creepers wouldn't have stood a chance against all of us."

I snuggled closer to him. "I was worried about you."

"And I was worried about you," he said. He began to gently stroke my shoulder and his hand fell on the fresh scar that had formed when I'd been bitten. I'd almost forgotten that it had even happened after I'd spent the rest of the day agonizing over ending things with Paul. "What's this?"

"A newborn bit me."

He tucked his head and pressed a gentle kiss on the wound. He trailed kisses from my scar along my collarbone and up my neck. I stiffened slightly as he reached my jawline and pulled away from him when he tried to kiss me on the mouth.

"What's wrong?" he asked, cupping my jaw in his hand and his eyes searching mine.

"I'm sorry, Paul, it's just that—" I cut myself off as I saw the worry clouded in his eyes and realized that now wasn't the time. I couldn't delay it for much longer, but I needed to have just one last night with him to feel his touch. "Today just ended up being a lot harder than I thought it would be."

He pulled me back to him, tucking me securely under his chin. "I know, love, it was hard for me too."

He kissed the top of my head and held me flush against him as he drifted back to sleep, still exhausted from the day we'd had. When he was deep in his sleep cycle, I pulled away from him slightly so that I could watch him as he slept, cherishing every precious moment that we had left together. It was the face that I loved most in this world and a face that I would never grow tired of looking at.

It almost made me reconsider my decision. How could I leave him? How could I break his heart like this?

And then…panic crept up my spine—what if the Volturi came back for him while I was gone? They might just kill him anyway for fun.

I shook my head at myself—I needed to protect him. They couldn't know how deeply I cared for him or they would use it against me. If I left him, they'd surely think that hurting him wouldn't make a difference to me anymore. Plus, Alice had promised me that she'd keep a watchful eye on the Volturi and let me know if they planned on returning.

And of course…I'd told Jane that I was just passing through Forks. If they returned to Washington and saw that I was still there, they could use my lying to them against me and take more drastic measures against me.

I'd known this would happen—I thought back to the argument I'd overheard between him and Jared a couple weeks ago, when Jared had told Paul that I would break his heart. Paul had been so sure that Jared was wrong, yet here I was preparing myself to do exactly what Jared had predicted.

I spent the rest of the night curled next to him, relishing in the feeling of being near him and knowing that I only had a few hours left with him.

The next evening, he'd put on a movie for us to watch while he ate his dinner. I'd spent the entire day fretting over the conversation I was going to have with him, and I knew he could tell that there was something wrong, but he didn't press the issue with me.

"I was thinking, maybe tomorrow we could go back to Sol Duc Lake?" Paul suggested, returning to the couch after he'd finished washing off his plate. "We haven't been for a while and the weather's supposed to be nice."

"Yeah, that'd be fun," I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the TV screen. I was only pretending to pay attention to it—my mind was whirling with thoughts about what I knew I had to do.

He chuckled. "I don't think you could send less enthusiastic if you tried. Are you okay?"

I'd put it off long enough. I just had to rip the bandaid-off and get it over with. As difficult as it would be to do, it was necessary to ensure that he'd stay safe. I couldn't allow any harm to come to him because of what I was.

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

"The movie?" he asked. "I can turn it off."

"Not the movie," I whispered, the pain of each word ripping through my chest like a knife being pierced through my heart.

"What?" he asked, furrowing his brow. "What are you talking about?"

"Us, Paul, I can't do us anymore," I said. "I'm not built for a life like this—staying in one place and being so committed to someone; playing house and pretending that I'm a normal person. It's not…it's not in my nature."

"What are you saying?"

"I think I need to leave."

"You think? Or you've already made your decision?" he asked.

He was doing a phenomenal job of hiding how angry he was, but I could see it bubbling just below the surface. As hard as it was for me to lie to him like this, it would be easier to do if he was angry instead of just upset. I would rather this end between us in an ugly argument than to have to try and comfort him when it felt like I was breaking apart at the seams.

You're saving his life, a voice in my head whispered. I looked away from him as the image of Jane using her power on him flashed through my mind, picturing his lifeless form on the forest ground.

"I've made my decision."

"Where is this coming from?" he demanded. "Did I do something wrong?"

I couldn't let him think that—I wouldn't allow him to believe that he was at fault for what I was doing. As much as I knew that I had to hurt him, I couldn't let him think that this was because of something he'd done wrong.

"No…you haven't done anything wrong," I whispered.

"Then what is it, Natalie?" he demanded, roughly turning my face to his so I was forced to meet his eyes. "Is this because of what happened yesterday? Because I am fine. That was nothing." He searched my eyes desperately for a few minutes, hand still gripping my face tightly. "This isn't like you—where is this coming from?"

"This isn't like me?" I repeated incredulously and hating myself for it. "I've been on this planet for more than half a century and you've known me for a month, Paul. This is exactly who I am. It's what I did to Will and it was just a matter of time before I did it to you, too."

He recoiled as if I'd slapped him. "So, what? This past month has been a lie? Nothing more than a comfortable place for you to rest your head while you decided where your next vacation would be?"

"It isn't like that."

"It sure seems like it," he snapped. "And the funny thing is, Jared warned me that something like this would happen. He told me that you'd pull a stunt like this, but I was too stupid to listen to him. I was too in love with you to accept that he was right."

It felt like he'd twisted the knife in my chest; that had been the first time that he'd actually told me that he loved me and it was while I was causing everything that we'd built together to completely implode.

"I told you from the very first day we met that I didn't plan on staying here," I whispered.

"So then what was the point in staying here for as long as you did?" he demanded. "Why bother stringing me along for a month, making me believe that you wanted to stay with me just as much as I wanted you if you just planned on leaving me like this?"

"Paul—"

"Just say the words, Natalie," he practically growled.

"What?" I whispered, caught off guard.

"Tell me you don't want me anymore," he said. "I need to hear you say it."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'd known that this would be the most difficult thing that I'd ever have to do, but part of me had hoped that he would have just accepted it and told me to get out of his apartment without another word.

Keeping my eyes closed, I forced out the words that I knew he so desperately wished that I wouldn't be able to say.

"I don't want you anymore."

I felt him lean back against the couch cushions, blowing all the air out of his lungs. "Well…I guess that changes things."

I opened my eyes and peeked over at him, looking away almost immediately as I saw the look of heartbreak and confusion spreading across his face. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him that I was lying—that this was all just some sort of sick joke and that I was just fucking around with him.

It wasn't a joke, though. It was a life and death situation and hurting him like this was better than having to bury him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "It's just that—"

"Just go," he said bitterly. "You've made it clear that nothing I say will stop you."

I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and apologize profusely for hurting him the way I had, but the image of Jane torturing him flashed through my mind again and it stopped me from comforting the man that I loved more than anything.

I forced myself off the couch, using every bit of my self control to stop myself from throwing myself back at him. I walked to the door of his apartment and threw one last look at him, knowing that it would be the last time I'd ever be in our little sanctuary and trying to force myself out the door.

He was sitting stiff as a board, eyes trained ahead of him, hands clenched into fists, and clearly fighting to stay in control of his temper.

I knew how much pain he was in—I felt like I'd torn my heart out of my own chest and left it in his lap as he sat on the couch, refusing to look back at me as I left him.

"I am so sorry," I whispered, knowing that he'd hear it. I would never be able to apologize enough for breaking his heart. There was so much left unsaid between us, so many memories we were supposed to make together.

We thought we'd have forever together and I was cutting that far too short.

He didn't say anything in response to me, just kept his same position on the couch. I waited a few more moments and took a deep breath before opening his apartment door and exiting our little sanctuary.

I somehow held it together as I descended the building in the elevator and went outside to retrieve my bag from the fire escape. I nearly burst into tearless sobs when I got to Paul's floor and heard him angrily banging around the kitchen and a long stream of profanities exiting his lips.

He'd hid his emotions from me during our conversation, but to hear how angry he was made me want to crawl back into his apartment and hold him close to me and promise that I'd never leave him.

I was tempted to stay on the fire escape all night and watch him as he slept, but I knew it was a bad idea. I needed to make this a clean break—I couldn't linger in the shadows of La Push to keep a watchful eye on him. He'd likely be able to pick up my scent all over the small town and probably use the imprint to figure out where I was.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and began to run out of La Push.

Every single step was painful. It was almost like I could feel the distance swelling between us and pushing us further apart.

I kept running, forcing myself to continue moving forward so I wouldn't be tempted to turn back around and going back to Forks. I ran all the way to Chicago, arriving in the Windy City just as dawn broke on the horizon. I checked into a hotel and went into my room, feeling like I was running on autopilot.

I felt completely empty and numb.

I sat by the window in my hotel room, watching as the sun illuminated the Chicago skyline, already feeling myself shifting into a shell of the person I was when I was happy. Loneliness washed over me and I grabbed a pillow off the bed, hugging it tight against my chest and wishing more than anything that I was cradling Paul's head against my chest as he slept off his day.