Chapter 36: Temporary Relief

I hadn't even had a chance to knock at the door before Emily swung the door open and flung herself into my arms. I was slightly taken aback by it—despite Paul saying she wasn't angry with me, there had still been a seed of doubt in my mind as I'd made my way over to her house.

Paul wasn't with me—just as we'd been about to leave, Sam had called him saying he needed him to patrol because Embry wasn't feeling well.

I'd spent the entire walk to Emily's overthinking my visit with her and fretting over whether she'd actually want to see me or not.

She pulled away from me and I saw tears sparkling in her eyes. "I'm sorry—I'm just…I'm just so happy to see you!"

I smiled. "I'm happy to see you too."

"Come in," she said, stepping aside so I could enter her house. Everything felt exactly the same—the overwhelming feeling of home filled the air and comforted me like a warm hug and the smell of muffins baking in the oven wafted through the air.

I sat down at her long kitchen table, keeping my sunglasses securely on my face. I was incredibly anxious about letting her see what I'd become, about letting her see the monster that I'd kept hidden for the entirety of our friendship.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"I've been well," she said enthusiastically. "Sam and I finally settled on a date for the wedding."

"When is it?" I asked.

"Not until next year," she said. "We still have so much planning to do. I…I've been considering asking Leah to be one of my bridesmaids."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I asked gently.

She shook her head. "Honestly…no. But it just feels right, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that," I said quietly. "How…how is Leah?"

She hesitated and I knew why. "She's okay."

"She's not happy with me, is she?"

Emily shook her head sadly. "She had…less than kind things to say about you while you were gone."

"I can only imagine."

"She'll come around," she said gently. "You'll just have to give her some time."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Enough about that, though," she said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm…okay," I said. "It hasn't been the easiest couple of months."

"I can tell."

"How?"

"It's not sunny in here, Nat."

I was quiet. Of course she knew exactly why I was wearing sunglasses. She'd grown up hearing the legends about red-eyed monsters who feasted on humans for fun.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "That's been a thing."

"How are you doing with that?"

"I haven't been tempted to drink human blood since I've been back with Paul," I said. "Which is a good thing."

"I'm proud of you," she said.

"What?"

"You're trying to get better," she explained. "Can I ask…why did you start again?"

The question on everyone's mind. The question that haunted me since that first drop of blood in Chicago had touched my tongue. I launched into my reasoning to Emily, telling her about all the horrible things I'd done during my time away.

There was no judgement on her face as I told her everything about my time away. It felt cathartic to talk about it with her, even though I'd just told Alice and Sue all about it.

Emily reached forward and grasped my hand, squeezing it tightly. "You're going to be okay."

I smiled at her. Her unwavering kindness nearly overwhelmed me. I truly felt like I didn't deserve Emily's kindness and support. We spent the rest of the day catching up—I told her about the nicer parts of my time away; how I'd gotten to go back to cities I'd previously lived in, how I got to speak to my family for the first time since they'd passed away, and how it felt like I'd gotten some semblance of closure with them through our conversation.

While she and I spoke, I idly wondered what would happen to our friendship if Bella ended up pregnant. Emily would be forced to side with the pack, just as I was forced to side with the Cullens. She'd welcomed me back into her life despite how badly I'd hurt Paul in my departure but if I had to actually fight against the pack? If I hurt one of the pack members she'd grown so fond of and cared for like a mother?

As soon as those thoughts entered my head, I regretted coming to visit her. What was the point in catching up with her and rebuilding our friendship if I was about to ruin it all over again?

There was one thing that had been bothering me that I needed to ask her though. It would hurt like hell to hear her answer, but I needed to know.

"Em, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," she said.

"How…how bad was it when I left?"

She paused for a few moments, clearly trying to figure out the best way to answer me. "Do you mean how bad was it for everyone or just Paul?"

"Both."

"Are you sure you want to know?" she asked gently.

I nodded. "I can handle it."

"The pack was upset in their own ways," she said. "Leah was angry and immediately protective of Paul. If anyone even looked at him the wrong way she'd snap at them. Apart from Leah there was a somber air around everyone while you were gone, except for when Paul was around and they all just seemed nervous to say the wrong thing around him. Whenever he was here with the pack, everyone would sort-of tiptoe around him to avoid upsetting him or pretend that everything was normal.

"The tribe was a different story. A lot of the people here were happy you were gone because they only knew you as a threat. They threw a bonfire three nights after you left and Sam and Jared shut it down before Paul caught wind of it. I can't imagine how angry he would've been if he'd seen it."

"Does he know it happened now?"

She nodded. "Sam sat him down and told him the next day. He wanted Paul to hear it from him instead of just hearing it on the street. He offered to give Paul less duties but he didn't accept—I think he enjoyed the distraction patrolling brought him."

"How was he while I was gone?" I asked, fearing the answer.

She hesitated again. "I've never seen him like that. I was so worried about him but I felt like I couldn't help him. One night he came here after patrolling and it was just us two; most of the time he just sat, staring out the window and watching the rain. Eventually, I got him to talk about it and…it scared me."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I thought he was going to…hurt himself," she said quietly. "He told me it felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and that he didn't see the point in moving forward anymore. He was in so much pain that I didn't know how much longer he'd be with us."

I closed my eyes, feeling the pain rip through me as if Emily's words were re-opening a wound.

"I can't believe I put him through that," I whispered.

"You were trying to protect him," she said gently. "When you left, I was upset too—I had no idea why you'd just abruptly leave like that. Jared could see how upset I was so he pulled me aside and showed me your note to him, making me promise not to tell anyone. As soon as Paul opened up to me, I told Jared that he had to tell Paul the real reason for your departure before it was too late.

"Jared had already been planning on telling him, but after I told him what Paul had told me he knew he had to do it quick, despite your wishes against it."

"I'm glad Jared told him," I said. "If he hadn't, I probably wouldn't have come back to him until it was too late."

"Something would've brought you back," she said gently. "You would've come back before it was too late, I'm sure of it."

"I don't think I would have," I whispered. "I was getting reckless while I was feeding—soon enough I would've been caught and probably thrown in jail. The entire time I was gone, my brain was screaming at me to come back to him but I forced myself to stay away. I wanted to come back the second I left, but I stopped myself because I'd convinced myself that I was protecting him. I…I don't know if I would have come back soon enough if he hadn't come to get me."

If I'd known how bad things had gotten for Paul, of course I would've come back earlier. I would've held him in my arms and promised him that I would never leave him again and beg for his forgiveness.

But, I'd been fighting against returning to him the entire time I was gone. Regardless of the supernatural pull we had to each other, how would I have been able to sense that it was urgent?

The thought of receiving a phone call from Emily or Jared, telling me that he'd flung himself off a cliff, made my heart ache. I would never have been able to forgive myself if he'd killed himself because of my departure. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

Emily reached over and squeezed my hand. "You don't need to worry about that now, you guys are back together again and nothing will get in the way of that."

I forced a smile onto my face. "Yeah, that's true."

We chatted for a little while longer before Paul, Quil, Jared, and Leah strode into Emily's house. I felt my stomach tighten as Leah came into view—it was my first time seeing any pack members other than Paul since my return, but Leah was the one I was most nervous about.

Paul came straight for me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pressing a gently kiss to the top of my head. Quil smiled politely at me while Jared met my eyes somewhat hesitantly. An unspoken understanding passed between us as he nodded at me and took his seat at the table a few chairs away from me.

Closer than he'd ever sat to me before, but still enough to keep his distance.

Leah lingered by the doorway with a severe scowl on her face. I met her eyes as hesitantly as Jared had met mine and we locked eyes for instant before her scowl deepened even more and she stormed out of the house.

I went to stand up to go after her, but Paul gently pushed me back down into my chair and shook his head.

"Not yet," he murmured, quietly enough that no one else would hear. "Trust me."

I nodded and leaned back against my chair, blowing all the air out of my lungs.

Emily, sensing the tension in the room, stood from the table. "Quil, can you help me in the kitchen?"

"Of course, Em," he said, following her into the kitchen. They startled bustling around the kitchen to take the muffins off of their cooling racks and putting them on plates.

An awkward silence fell over Jared, Paul, and me and I knew that I had to be the one to break it.

"Jared?" I said quietly, hesitantly meeting his eyes.

He looked up at me, seeming just as hesitant as I was. Perhaps he was scared that I'd be upset with him for showing Paul my note.

Or maybe my departure and seeing how badly I'd hurt Paul had made him revert right back to completely hating me.

Whichever answer it was, I knew that I needed to talk to him about everything. I couldn't avoid thanking him for indirectly saving Paul's life.

"Thank you," I said. I watched as his eyes widened in surprise and then how his shoulders slumped in relief at what I'd said. "If you hadn't told Paul the real reason that I'd left, I don't know if he'd…"

I trailed off, unable to finish the end of my sentence. Paul squeezed my hand tightly and sent a small smile my way. Jared seemed unsure of what to say—I could see him trying to figure it out from his facial expression.

He glanced at Paul before turning back to me. "Yeah…of course. I just…wanted what's best for him."

If I'd been human, I was sure I would've burst into tears at what he'd said. It was such a stark difference from how he'd previously acted towards me. He'd literally told Paul that he was scared that I'd kill him in his sleep and that he knew I'd hurt Paul.

Yet, here he was, essentially giving Paul and me his blessing. It may seem strange to say, but knowing that Jared was somewhat okay with me made my heart squeeze tightly. I was scared that my departure would have completely destroyed what little progress we'd made together, so it was nice to know that we were able to maintain it.

Emily and Quil returned to the table with heaping plates of muffins just as I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. My stomach clenched nervously, knowing it was the news I'd been dreading receiving.

I braced myself and composed my face into a tight mask as I pulled my phone out of my pocket, trying to hide any emotion I might show at reading what I knew would be Alice's message.

They're on their way home. Get ready.

Shit.

The relief I'd felt upon returning to Emily's house was shorter lived than I ever could have imagined. Before long, everything was going to implode again and I'd be caught in the middle.

I met Paul's eyes and forced myself to smile, trying not to think about how our time was about to be cut short for the second time.