Chapter 37: Sides

It took a week for him to find out.

In that week, I'd stayed away from the Cullens' house as much as possible. Alice had told me that they were pretty much covered for the time being and that it would be best for me to spend as much time with Paul as I could to avoid drawing suspicion to the Cullens' house. We also didn't want to risk Paul picking up Bella's scent on me and realizing that she and Edward had returned from their honeymoon.

Jacob had asked Paul to ask me what was going on with Bella for basically their entire honeymoon and I'd had to lie through my teeth and tell him the same thing Bella had told her father—that she'd fallen ill during their trip and she was on bedrest.

Bella had decided that she wanted to keep the baby. I knew that Carlisle, Alice, and Edward all had their reservations about it, but Rosalie had gone into full mom mode. She wouldn't let Bella out of her sight and hovered over her shoulder constantly.

I didn't agree with Bella keeping the baby, but I couldn't voice that. As hard as it was for me to think about terminating a pregnancy, I could see how badly this was affecting her. I'd only seen her three times since they'd returned and each time she looked less and less healthy. The baby was completely draining the life out of her and it pained me to see her like that.

But…it was what she'd decided to do and if the wolves found out about it, I would have the stand with her and the Cullens. As much as I disagreed with her choice, it was her choice and I wouldn't allow any more harm to come to her. She'd made her decision and I would do everything I could to keep her and the baby safe.

I was sure that if it came to it, Carlisle and Edward would make the decision to turn her to save her life, regardless of whether she'd given birth or not.

The thought of that made my stomach clench painfully. I would never forget the moment I'd woken up from my transformation and realized—

I stopped myself from thinking about it. I couldn't think about it right now. I had to focus on keeping the façade that everything was fine while also focusing on how to keep her safe from the wolves when they inevitably found out.

I'd been curled on Paul's couch, wearing one of his hoodies and waiting for him to return to the apartment. I'd picked up a book off his shelf to try and make it look like I wasn't just sitting on the couch worrying when he got home.

He wasn't stupid, though. He knew something was up. I was surprised he hadn't pushed me harder to tell him what was actually going on, but perhaps he'd held onto the knowledge that I'd tell him everything that was going on and he was just waiting for the moment when I could.

I felt awful lying to him.

I heard Paul's car pull into the parking lot, his car door slam shut, and then him stomping into the building. As the elevator ascended to his floor, I could hear his fingers drumming against the side of the elevator.

He knew.

The elevator dinged open and I heard him stomping down the hallway. Part of me wanted to jump out the window before he arrived, but I knew that I'd have to face the music at some point. There was no point delaying it.

I heard him reach the door and take a deep breath before opening it. I kept my attention trained on the book, delaying the moment that I'd have to meet his eyes and see the anger in them.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

His voice was controlled and tight. I finally met his eyes and saw no anger there—just disappointment. That hurt me more than it would have had he been angry with me.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. What more could I say?

"You've been lying to me for a week," he said in that same controlled voice. "I've asked you about Bella every single day because Jacob won't shut up about her and you lied to me. You played it off like all she had was a flu."

"I know," I whispered. "Paul, I'm so sorry. I…I couldn't tell you. It wasn't my place and I…I was scared that I would lose you because of it."

"This is bigger than the two of us, Natalie," he said. His calm façade was cracking—I could see the anger beginning to bubble up to the surface. "Do you have any idea how catastrophic it would be if this went on any longer?"

Dread crept up my spine. "What do you mean?"

"Sam is getting ready to attack."

"No," I whispered, the faces of the wolves and the Cullens flashing through my head. "No…he can't."

"What?"

"It'll be an all out war," I said. "You…you'll get hurt. All of you will. And the Cullens…"

"The Cullens shouldn't be allowing this to happen," he snapped.

"It…it's her choice."

"And she's decided wrong."

"So she deserves to be killed?!"

He hesitated and I could see the clarity forming in his eyes. Hope flared in my chest—if I could convince him not to join the attack, we could avoid having to choose sides. Maybe we could just…sit this out. Pretend that none of it was happening and live peacefully away from this mess.

As quickly as the clarity had formed in his eyes, it disappeared and was replaced with no emotion. It was like he'd forced himself to cut off all emotion and make it seem like he was dead behind his eyes.

"That's a sacrifice we're going to have to make."

"That isn't your decision!" I snapped.

"Our job is to protect our land and our people."

"So you protect by murdering someone?" I demanded.

"You must realize how dangerous this is," he said. "A half vampire? It's unheard of."

"It's half human too."

"And the other half is vampire," he said, practically spitting the last word. I recoiled as if he'd slapped me and I saw the regret flash across his face. He hadn't meant to say that but it told me all I needed to hear.

"And that's a bad thing."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"But you still said it," I said. I was hurt. I knew that he was right—a half vampire was completely uncharted territory for all of us and it could be dangerous, but I trusted that the Cullens would be able to handle it better than anyone else. If anyone could train a half vampire to be docile, it would be Carlisle.

Paul's words told me that deep down, he just thought I was a dangerous monster. That all vampires were the same. That he loved me as a person but hated what I was.

I'd always known he hated vampires as a whole, but I thought that I'd shown him that we weren't all the same.

On the other hand, though, my little bender wouldn't have helped that cause. All of his suspicions about me and my kind had been confirmed when he'd shown up to my hotel room and seen me with blood red eyes.

I pushed myself off the couch and approached the door but he was blocking it. "I'm leaving."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't meant for it to come out like that."

The emotionless mask he'd composed was completely gone and I saw the desperation on his face, but I wouldn't let myself crumble. "I need to go."

"Please don't leave me."

"What if it was us and not them?" I asked, forcing out the question.

"It couldn't happen."

"Hypothetically."

"It would be different."

"How?" I asked. "It'd still be half vampire, wouldn't it? In fact, it would have not one, but two monsters in it. How could that not be dangerous? Two volatile creatures fighting for control. Would you let the pack come and kill me if I wound up pregnant?"

He opened his mouth to say something but his phone rang before he could. He hesitated and I saw his hand hover above his pocket to answer it but to my surprise, he didn't.

"You'd better get that," I sneered. "It's probably Sam demanding you run and help him finalize his plans to murder a pregnant woman."

"That isn't fair," he practically growled.

I tried to push past him to leave the apartment, but he grabbed my shoulders and pinned me against the wall, forcing me to look at him. "If it were you, I'd trust you to make the right decision. You know what's best for you—you've been on your own for so long and you've done amazingly and I would respect whatever decision you'd make. But, I'm not going to lie to you—I would want you to get rid of it."

Pain ripped through me at his words—I understood why he was saying what he was saying, but he had no way of knowing how badly the thought of terminating my own pregnancy was hurting me.

And that was my own fault—I'd been too scared to tell him my whole story.

"And the reason I'd want you to get rid of it is because I can't lose you, not again," he continued. "I know what it's like to live without you and I can't let that happen again. If I lost you because of something that I put into you…something that I'd caused? I'd never be able to live with myself. You mean the world to me, Natalie, can't you see that? I misspoke earlier and I am so sorry for that—I know how that came across, but I love every part of you.

"I love that you can keep up with me, that your strength matches mine, that I don't have to hold back when I'm with you, that I can be myself with you," he said. "And all of that is because you're a vampire. I love that part of you too."

I had to fight as hard as I could against melting at his words. He seemed so sincere, so desperate. I wanted to grab his face and kiss him and promise that I would never leave him. But…it was the reasoning behind his words that I couldn't deal with. He didn't want to allow Bella to have a choice in the matter—a choice that I hadn't been given.

"There's more to it, isn't there?" he asked gently. Of course he knew—he always knew. "What aren't you telling me?"

My thoughts felt jumbled—I wanted to tell him so badly. A little voice in my head urged me to tell him, that it would help him see my side of things…but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to force the words out of my mouth.

"I…I need to go."

With a resigned look on his face, he let go of me and I rushed out of the apartment. I couldn't think straight, couldn't let myself think about the conversation we'd just had. I decided instead to focus on the getting back to the Cullens house in case they needed me.

If Sam was getting ready to attack, they'd need all the help they could get.