(Season 5)
I don't own Bones.
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Her dreams were intense and to see both Booth and Hodgins die in those dreams night after night was having an effect upon Brennan. Restless, she tossed and turned in her bed. She had an important decision to make and she knew it would be life altering. At least, she thought so.
Unhappy, she felt that she needed to get away. Her life was too complicated and she needed a quiet space to think. She needed distance between Booth and herself. Emotional entanglements had always confused her, but as she got older, she found them harder to avoid. She had always considered herself to be self-reliant and had little need for emotional support from anyone. She had learned at a young age that relying upon anyone could be dangerous.
After her parents had abandoned her, after her brother had abandoned her, she had found herself at the mercy of strangers. She had been abused and unloved and one foster family had almost killed her by locking her in a car trunk on a hot summer day. The fact that her social worker had come by for a surprise visit had been the only thing that had saved her from heat stroke. She knew that had been a stroke of luck and not because anyone had missed her or was concerned about her. She had just been a legal obligation.
Once she had been removed from that home, she had found herself with foster parents that neglected her. The fact was, she could accept the neglect if that meant she was safer and she was safer. She had found a part-time job to get away from her unfeeling foster family and she had avoided them as much as possible. She had relied upon herself and that had been enough. Her high school had been a disappointment and she had made no friends with the other students while she was there, but her love of science had kept her going and her friendship with the school janitor had been enough.
With Mr. Buckley's urging, she had studied hard and won some scholarships to the University. He had helped her study, by bringing in roadkill and helping her to do a necropsy on the dead animals. They had spent many hours studying the internal organs and musculature of the animals and Brennan found it to be fascinating. When she had time, she had spent hours in the library reading about anthropology and archaeology and decided that she could make a good living working as a forensic anthropologist. She could rely upon herself and not need anyone to help her.
In her chosen field, she had found she was better than most anthropologists and she was proud of her accomplishments. Her work had been noticed and the Jeffersonian Medico/Legal Lab had hired her to work for them. She worked to identify bodies for various law agencies, the Army and the CIA. She was good at what she did and her services were appreciated. She also worked on digs and used her talents to help foreign governments identify the victims of pogroms and ethnic cleansing. She was the best in the world and she knew it. The fact that her peers knew it too made her accomplishments even more satisfying.
Her world had changed when she became involved with Seeley Booth. He needed her expertise to help him solve what appeared to be unsolvable murders and she had found herself to be in a satisfying partnership and friendship with the FBI Agent. Until she had met Booth, the only real friend she'd ever had had been Angela Montenegro. Booth seemed to accept who she was and though they bickered a lot, she knew it was because they both hated to lose an argument and felt confident in who they were. It was an interesting friendship and she had formed an attachment to Booth which surprised her.
They worked hard and formed a lasting friendship. She had never had a friend like Booth and she hoped that friendship would last. They were very different people and their friendship shouldn't have happened, but they both appreciated the challenge of having a friendship like theirs and they were less lonely than they had been before they became friends.
After he'd recovered from his brain tumor, she'd noticed that Booth had changed, but the changes seemed to be harmless until she realized that her partner thought he was in love with her. She knew he didn't love her, but he didn't want to accept that reality and it made her fearful. She was afraid that he didn't understand that his love for her wasn't real and if she tried to have a relationship with him, his love would eventually fade away and he'd leave her. That would end their friendship and she couldn't bear to lose something so valuable.
She was afraid. She hated that she was afraid but she couldn't help what she felt. She had learned a long time ago that love was temporary and when it died, hearts were crushed. She didn't want to be the one with the crushed heart and she had turned down her partner's attempt to have a personal relationship. He didn't understand, but she did. Someone had to protect them and she had to be the one to do it.
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He had loved her for a long time, but that love seemed to intensify after his brain tumor had been discovered and removed. He was focused and he knew what he wanted, but he knew his partner didn't believe in love or commitment and he felt trapped. He had tried to fight how he felt because he knew how it would end, but in the end, he'd allowed Sweets to influence him and he'd pushed Brennan when he shouldn't have. He had asked her to take a chance on him and she refused to consider it. Now he was afraid she wanted to sever his partnership and he didn't know how to stop it.
"Bones . . . that dig you want to go to." He didn't know how to proceed. He stood in front of her desk and tried to remain calm. "I know that Maluku thing . . . I know it's supposed to be a big deal, but a year . . . that's a long time. I know you're not happy and it's because of me . . . I know that. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I tried to show you that after I made that mistake outside the Hoover . . . I've been trying to show you that you don't have to be afraid of me . . . Really. I . . . I want us to be like we were before my brain was scrambled. I want us to be the friends we used to be . . . Don't go on the dig Bones . . . I . . . please stay. I promise that our friendship is good. It really is."
"Booth . . . I'm not afraid of you. I was never afraid of you." Brennan wasn't sure how she could explain what was going on, but she knew she needed to try. "I'm afraid of me . . . I don't have your heart. I don't think I can give you what you want . . . You want to have a relationship with me, but just look at our pasts. My parents and brother walked away from me. Peter tried to control our relationship when we were together and I couldn't allow that to happen . . . Sully sailed away and left me behind because his dreams were more important than our relationship was . . . You . . . Rebecca turned you down when you asked her to marry her. Tessa . . . I never understood what happened there, but it seemed that Tessa didn't want the things you wanted and well, we both have had numerous failed relationships. Love is just temporary. Surely you can understand that. You've seen that yourself. Love never lasts. You know I'm right."
He could hear the fear in her voice and he knew he had to be careful. "Yes, we've both failed to find that one that we can connect to in the past, but . . . Bones, we connect. We have for a long time. You know who I am and I know who you are. I know who you are Bones and I don't expect you to change for me or anyone else. Hell, I'd be disappointed if you did . . . You're strong, independent, a genius who's at the top of her field and well, you're my ideal . . . You think I changed after my surgery and you think I don't really love you, but I do. I know you don't trust love . . . it's unpredictable. It's scary if things go wrong, but Bones . . . Bones, if we tried to have a relationship and it failed, I will never walk away from you. I could never do that. You mean a lot to me. I've never had a friend like you before and I probably never will again. You . . . you make me want to be a better man . . . I'm a gambler, but because of you, I gave that up. I did that for you because I knew you wanted to work with the best and not a loser . . . Bones, I'm not a loser. I'm not and . . ." She was shaking her head and he knew that she didn't believe anything he was saying. "Alright . . . I tried. If you want to go on the dig, then that's what you have to do, but I'll be waiting for you to come back. I'm not going anywhere. We're still partners. We're still friends."
Surprised, Brennan frowned at her partner. "I thought the Army was trying to get you to go to Afghanistan. Aren't you going to accept their offer?"
"No, I'm not." Booth glanced at the empty hallway, giving himself a few seconds to think. Finally, he turned back to face his partner. "I promised you a long time ago that I would never leave you and I won't . . . You can walk away from me, there isn't anything I can do to stop that, but I will be here when you get back. I love our friendship, Bones. I love you and I will always love you. You need to hear that at least once. I won't mention it again . . . When you're on that dig, I hope you make history. You deserve the recognition you really do and when you've done what you need to do . . . I hope you'll come back and be my partner again." There was nothing else to say. Sighing, he tried to smile and failed. "Let me know when you're leaving and I'll see you off at the airport."
Once she was alone, Brennan felt a sense of foreboding. She didn't know what the future would bring, but whatever happened, she hoped that she had made the right decision. She needed to protect Booth. He was vulnerable and she could cause him great pain if she wasn't careful. She also knew that she could cause herself great pain if she made the wrong decision. The next few days were going to be agonizing and she dreaded the nights to come, alone in her apartment. Her life was in turmoil and she didn't know how to fix it.
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