Iroh takes his day off with pleasure. He walks Zuko and I to the tea shop and waves us away. He is wearing his straw hat to protect him from the sun. I wonder what he will be doing, as he has taken nothing with him besides his normal belongings.
Later, when the lunch rush has died down, I ask Zuko, "What do you think your uncle is doing?" With Iroh gone, I have taken over his place as tea maker, with Zuko having proved inadequate in the past. While I am not as great as Iroh, people still enjoy my tea and cookies. It isn't very busy today, so Zuko and I have a lot of quiet time together.
Zuko takes a moment to himself, thinking, as he washes another round of cups and plates. "Oh," he says finally, setting down the cup so I can dry it. "It's Lu Ten's birthday."
I halt in reaching for the cup Zuko just set down. "He didn't say anything."
"I think he wants to hold a memorial alone." Zuko is looking out into the distance, not saying anything. "Lu Ten wasn't much older than I am, and suddenly he was gone." Zuko's voice is really quiet, but it is easy to hear in the stillness of the shop.
"Do you ever think about how many people have died, so young, because of the war?" I ask after a while. Zuko has resumed washing dishes, but he hasn't said much.
"Regardless of Lu Ten's origin, he seemed to share the same fate as a lot of recruits," Zuko says, passing me a plate. "It was right of Uncle to abandon the siege. Lu Ten's death was greater than any victory or loss."
"Have you told him this? He might want to hear you say that. He looks at you like you're his own son, and has said as much."
Zuko falls into his contemplative silence again. I don't push the topic. The shop closes early, since not a lot of people have shown up. Pao wishes us a good night. Iroh isn't home when we return, but I brew a pot of his favorite tea, ginseng, and start preparing dinner. I force Zuko to chop some vegetables for the stew. We work in silence, both of us likely thinking of what we will say to Iroh.
Iroh returns right when I finish preparing the tea. I smile at him, not knowing what to say. Instead, I just hand him a cup of tea and say, "I made ginseng. And Zuko is helping me with dinner. It should be ready soon. Why don't you sit down?"
He is carrying a picnic basket and smells faintly of incense. I can tell that he's been crying; his eyes are red. I lead him over to the small table we share, and he sits down easily. With the knowledge that his only son has died, Iroh looks so much older than I've ever seen him.
I cut up some slices of bread that I made at the tea shop this afternoon. It is still partly warm in the center, and I slather a layer of jam on them. Zuko just finished chopping all of the vegetables, so I force him to sit across from Iroh, giving them each a plate of bread.
Haltingly, I can hear Zuko starting a conversation about Lu Ten. He is treading lightly. Was it our conversation doing dishes that prompted him to do this? I smile sadly at the pot as I throw all the ingredients in. Or, maybe, Zuko is telling Iroh something like what I told Zuko, once, when we were living out in the wilderness. That I cared for him.
I try very hard not to eavesdrop on their conversation. I head into the bedroom and start setting up the futons for us to sleep. I check in on the stew every now and again. From these brief entrances into the main room, Iroh looks teary eyed again. I refill their tea when their cups get low. I do not interrupt.
I am happy for them. For talking about their feelings, even though it is hard to know what you want, especially for Zuko.
Dinner is not a quiet affair, and we laugh at Iroh's bad jokes.
The days continue on at the tea shop. Zuko takes his free day, but I don't know what he does. Iroh, when Zuko isn't there, points at a lady about Zuko's age, with two brown braids and big, brown eyes, who I have just handed a cup of green tea to. Her face is on the chubby side, like she hasn't gotten rid of her baby fat yet. She is looking around the shop, and I ask her what she needs.
"Oh, is Lee not here today?" she asks.
My hackles rise, suspicious after the interaction with Jet and his so called Freedom Fighters. "No, it's his day off. May I ask why?"
"Oh, no reason." She waves me off, smiling but not really at me.
When she leaves, I point her out to Iroh. He laughs. "Oh, that's Jin! She has a crush on Lee! It looks like you have some competition!"
I blush. Zuko and I have not had a conversation about what happened on the ferry here since, well, since the ferry here. My face is hot, and I look away from Iroh. I want to chide him, but he is just making good fun of Zuko and I's inability to commit to anything. It's just the thought of what if Zuko willingly walked down the wrong path, would I follow him? I cannot commit to Zuko until I know he would make the right choices, and there hasn't been an opportunity for him to do that here, in this walled city.
I can't share this quandary with Iroh, so I just wave him off.
A few days pass, with Jin consistently coming into Pao's and getting helped by Zuko. The more I watch from the kitchen, I can see that what Iroh said is right. Jin has a giant crush on Zuko, and he is so oblivious. Is that how I look?
Zuko, finally, notices her one day. Iroh and I are putting dishes away together, since there are only two customers in the shop. Zuko comes up to us, whispering, "We have a problem." Iroh steps down from the ladder he was using, using it to put the more expensive tea sets away.
Zuko is looking behind his shoulder at Jin, saying, "One of the customers is on to us. Don't look now, but there is a girl over that at the corner table." I glance at Jin, and she is staring at Zuko and then looking away shyly. "She knows we're Fire Nation." Iroh glances over at the girl, and Zuko spins him back around. "Didn't I say don't look?"
I try really hard to hide my laughter. I can see Iroh trying very hard to stay serious as well.
"You're right, Zuko. I've seen that girl in here quite a lot," Iroh says.
I jump in, knowing what Iroh is going to say, "She has a crush on you!" I whisper it, but I'm not good at subtly. There is something hilarious at Zuko thinking someone showing interest in him is in on his secret. Granted, he tried to kill me when we first met, and used me as bait to capture Aang. He is not very good at understanding his emotions, let alone anyone else's.
Zuko, bewildered, says, "What?"
Likely having heard my outburst, Jin quickly comes up to the counter. "Thank you for the tea," Jin says. She hands Zuko some coins to pay. Iroh has turned back toward the wall that the front shares with the kitchen, and I can see the smirk on his face from a mile away.
However, while I may find Zuko's lack of emotional understanding funny, the fact that this girl has a crush on Zuko and Iroh is trying to exploit that, makes me a little jealous. "What's your name?"
Zuko stops putting coins in the drawer and turns around, saying, "My name's Lee. The three of us just moved here." He gestures to Iroh and I standing next to each other at the sink.
"Hi, Lee. My name's Jin. Thank you, and, well, I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime?" Zuko's face is stunned, but Iroh doesn't miss a beat.
"He'd love to!" Iroh replies for Zuko, grabbing Zuko by the shoulder and pulling him close.
"Great! I'll meet you in front of the shop at sundown." Jin leaves. I glare at Iroh as I resume cleaning dishes.
My distaste for Iroh's attempt at matchmaking only grows, and I can see that Zuko feels the same way. Before Iroh can start working on fixing Zuko's hair, he runs to get Zuko a new outfit, with bright green accents.
During the period that Iroh leaves us alone, there isn't a soul in the shop. Zuko and I sit at opposite sides of the shop. Zuko musing over his coming date, me fuming at his coming date with Jin. Can he tell? Should I say something?
I start sketching in my small book that I had purchased at the art supplies store. Zuko is looking out at the front door, lost in his thoughts. I have sketched a side view of him. His scar is facing the wall, so I draw him in profile. I know what he looked like before his scar, but he was a child then. Would he look less angry without it?
Well, he doesn't look angry now. He looks nervous.
"Spirts," I say, when I notice this, "you're nervous for your date with Jin!"
He snaps his gaze over to me, glaring. "I am not!"
"Yes, you are!" I stand up, folding my book closed so he can't see that I just drew in him detail. I sit at the same table as him, laying my hands down flat on the table. "What do you feel like? Describe it to me!"
He glares at me, but can't see my intentions. "No! This is none of your business, Zia." There is no one in the shop, and Pao left for his own dinner plans. Zuko's use of my real name feels like a shock to my system.
I lean back in the chair, crossing my arms. "I disagree. Did we not kiss? Multiple times? Do you not feel anything for me, like Jin does toward you?" It all bursts out of me, and I regret saying it as soon as I do. Abruptly, I stand, moving back behind the counter, away from Zuko. Really, I want to go back into the kitchen, but that feels like retreating in battle. Wrong.
What I said to Zuko shocks him, and he stays silent until Iroh returns. In the back, where we store our weapons and jackets for cold days, Zuko changes. When he comes out, Iroh fusses over him, correcting the unfamiliar clothes. I glance over at Zuko but don't meet his eyes. The outfit looks good on him, but I don't say this.
Iroh then spends the next 10 minutes pushing Zuko's hair down with gel. It doesn't seem to lay right, and Zuko looks weird with his hair tamed. I don't comment on this.
When Zuko leaves to meet Jin outside, I start helping Iroh close the shop. It's been another slow night, likely because the refugees haven't been paid yet. There are lulls in business like this, Pao told me, because the refugees are paid at the end of the week, the last few days before the pay period are slower. Not a lot of disposable income, he says.
At the end of the night, Iroh and I walk in silence back to the apartment. He makes a small dinner for us, involving rice and vegetables. We didn't stop for meat on the way home, since it's just the two of us.
After dinner, Iroh does the dishes. I sit on the sofa, trying to move my mind away from Zuko and my jealousy. It doesn't work, and Iroh is better at picking up on emotions than Zuko.
"Did you tell Zuko how you feel?" Iroh asks. Sometimes, in the safety of the apartment, we drop the fake names. I try not to fall into the habit of it, because I don't want to say their real names in a place someone can hear. But, with Jet gone, it does feel safer.
"Was that your plan all along?" I ask, not looking at Iroh.
I can feel his smile when he replies, "Only if it worked."
"Well, it didn't. So bad plan." I stand, frustrated at having been jealous and frustrated at Zuko for never giving me a straight answer on how he feels toward me. I go into the bedroom, closing the doors behind me.
At this point in the road, everything feels easy and difficult. Easy to hide, difficult to tell the truth. Easy to pretend to be refugees, difficult to tell Zuko the truth behind my own hesitation toward being with him. It is a hard road for me to be on, but I am left with indecision. Until Zuko proves himself one way or the other, I will continue to waver between my own choices.