59: A Shielder's Secrets

I see a boy smothered by love. No matter the results of his actions, they support him. Whether he succeeds or fails, they love him still. But-

Being loved, becomes a habit. Thoughtlessly, carelessly, he falls into the habit of being loved.

His friends and parents love him. But he gets used to it, takes it for granted and seeks more. Deeper love. Desperately, recklessly, seeking approval - his last adventure was fun, but here's a better one! More reckless, more dangerous, more, more, more!

Gluttonously devouring excitement and affection, his appetite for adventure grows more and more - until no one else can keep up with him, and one by one, those with less heroic wills fall away.

But he's okay with it. Because his parents still love him, and as long as he can measure up to his father, he knows that will be enough for him.

But he never will. Because Natsuki Subaru is not Natsuki Kenichi. And so, in middle school, the boy realizes-

That Natsuki Subaru is a perfectly ordinary boy, with nothing special about him whatsoever.

"That's wrong." I want to tell him. "My Master is without a doubt one of the most amazing people I've met. He's an outstanding person who seems to be capable of just about anything, to the degree that he almost seems inhuman. Almost like Wodime or Daybit."

"Humility is a virtue, yet any virtue turns to vice when not tempered by prudence." I want to tell Senpai. "What good would it have done my father to imagine himself weak, or for Agravain to consider himself foolish?"

-And so, Natsuki Subaru falls into despair. Wallowing in indolence, he drops out of school, becoming a shut-in, hoping desperately for the day that his parents finally call him out, finally scold him.

They don't realize it at all. Love, too, can be a vice.

Quietly, in his heart of hearts, he pleads - for someone, anyone, to shock him out of his failure, to wake him up, to force him to finally grow up.

It's a foolish proposal - virtue and vice are habits, and whatever great revelation he has, it will only last until the next visual novel or anime with a silver-haired heroine drops, at which point he'll slip right back into all-night binging again.

…I-I really d-don't know what to think about his fixation on girls with silver hair-!

Just ignore it. That's for the best.

Regardless of his wishes, Natsuki Subaru's slovenly life continues apace, until one night, exiting the same convenience store he visits all the time-

"▬██▁▆█▆▀▬██▆!"

A black shadow with purple eyes and silver hair swallows me whole, and I wake up screaming.

I come to my senses in the empty cabin of the furiously rattling carriage, thrashing against my sleeping bag.

-That's right, we had decided not to stop for the night anymore, in order to avoid enemy attack. Most of the others are in spiritual form, so the only other person visible is Senpai, who is still sleeping soundly.

"Are you okay, Mash?" As I sit up, Jeanne re-materializes next to me.

"Y-yes. It was just a nightmare. I'm sorry if I worried you." I reply.

"...I see. Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

I think about it for a moment. "I think that I would like that, but…" those are Senpai's private memories, so I don't think that I should be sharing them without permission. And as for what I saw at the end, the thing that made me wake up…

The thing I saw…

"I…don't remember." I realize. "I don't remember what woke me up. It was a sad dream, but nothing that should have made me scream."

"Hm. I see. If it's like that, then talking won't do any good…" She trails off mumbling under her breath. "What would Catherine do.. Ah! I know! Ahem." Jeanne fakes a cough, straightens up, and gazes seriously at me - and then with a wink, thrusts both hands at me in a heart shape "[Big sis beeeaaam]!"

…

For a few moments I stare at her in utter shock as she holds the pose - and slowly, scarlet creeps up her face as her posture shrinks, steam leaking from her ears.

"P-please forget you ever saw that." she mumbles and dematerializes.

"W-wait!" I start to say, but she's already gone. "I-it did make me feel better…"

In the end, though, I'm just not tired enough to sleep. So, with some care as to not fall off the moving vehicle, I climb out the window of the carriage, nodding to Marie in the driver's seat as I make my way to the top of the carriage, where Sir Gareth has been standing watch.

"Ah, Sir- Mash! Good morning!" She waves as I approach.

"You almost called me Galahad just now." I note.

"S-sorry! It's just, even the way you walk around fearlessly on top of moving vehicles is so… so Galahad that it can't be helped." She chuckles a bit.

Oh, is it?

…No, rather, was I always the type of person to do something like this?

"...A-anyway I'm glad you came out here!" Gareth interrupts my thoughts. "There's actually something I wanted to tell you - ah, but Subaru's not awake, right?"

"No, Master is still sleeping." I reply. "He uses a sleep aid charm that he got from his Senpai at the Clock Tower, so he's really tough to wake up with small noises."

"Mm, that's good, that's good - this isn't something he's allowed to know about, okay!" She says, and my brain starts to spin.

W-wait, is this.. That fabled "girls' talk" thing I've heard about!? I-I don't know what to-!

"The truth is, I think I'm going to die before we reach Paris." Gareth calmly says, and all levity vanishes.

"W-what?" I recoil. "Th-that's, why would you even…?"

"...Well, to start with, I've got this awful feeling. That black knight that was mentioned, the moment he came up, I felt terrible. There's something important that I've forgotten, and since I forgot it an ominous sensation has been building in my gut." She says, gritting her teeth. "My Luck stat is D Rank - that means I'm more likely than the average Servant to fall into tragic endings. The thing I've forgotten - I'm not going to get away with forgetting it. I'm sure of it."

"Th-that's nothing!" I blurt out. "We just need to make sure someone else fights the Black Knight, and then-"

"And then there's the other thing. This goes back to the moment I was summoned actually. Just before I was summoned, on my way here from the throne, someone spoke to me." The Lancer says with a grimace. "I didn't recognize the voice - it wasn't Lord Merlin or anything - but all the same, I felt like I could trust it."

"And this person told you that you were going to die?" I ask.

"...'You have been summoned for a purpose. Do not hesitate to sacrifice yourself to achieve it. Fulfill your duty, and victory is assured.'" She recites in a faux-deep voice. "That's all he told me. But somehow, when Prelati said that we were going to Paris, I knew. Get Master to Paris. That's all that is necessary. Beyond that, it doesn't matter what happens to me." The puppy knight concludes with a sad smile.

…

Silence falls as I consider her words. Victory is assured - that sure sounds nice. We could really use a guaranteed victory.

Senpai will be furious - but even so…

The comm unit on my wrist beeps.

"That's not allowed, Lancer!" Olga Marie shouts as her hologram manifests. She thrusts a finger at Gareth, coffee splashing wildly out of the cup in her other hand. "I don't give a damn what some spectral voice told you - you were summoned by Chaldea, and I intend to get full use out of you! The only spectral voice you listen to is me! We're all hands on deck right now, so heroic sacrifices are explicitly disallowed!"

"Eh!? But-" Gareth starts to say.

"Shut up, you damn glorified familiar! If the next words out of your mouth aren't 'yes ma'am', I'll hit you with my [Director Beam]!" She yells the name of a funny-sounding attack I've never heard of without an ounce of self-consciousness.

"Y-yes ma'am?" Gareth stammers, looking a bit blindsided by the Director's fury.

"Damned straight." She takes a sip from her mug. "Wait, it's empty? What the hell, I swear it was full just now… Oi, Romani, get me another cup."

"The doctor is asleep, Director. And he said not to give you any more-" A staff member says.

"[Director Beeaaam]!"

A/N:

Ominous foreshadowing from Gareth? I'm sure it'll be fine. It was in between some jokes after all, and that means it won't be a problem.

...Well, even if it is, I'm sure it won't stick.

...Right?