A/N

"You ask me what I'm thinking about,

I tell you that I'm thinking about,

Whatever you're thinking about,

Tell me something that I'll forget,

And you might have to tell me again,

It's crazy what you'll do for a friend."

Daddy Issues - The Neighbourhood

/

Joss hadn't said a word since they'd got back into the car, too lost in her own thoughts as annoyance slowly ebbed away into gnawing self doubt, and the music did its best to help patch up the slightly awkward atmosphere. Maybe just leaving everything hanging after their car ride and their heavy make out at the weekend had given him the wrong impression? Or maybe not addressing it had left a lot of pent up teenage hormones, but whatever it was, she had to come at it head on now, to make her position clear... Whatever her position was, she wasn't even sure what she really wanted in all this. She still wanted him, as a friend, maybe more; but not as a boyfriend. She didn't want to go to weekend parties with him, or be seen out and about by her peers. She didn't want anything public... but then, what did she want?

"So, about... the other night," she began.

He took his eyes off the road to look at her for a moment before slowly going back to focusing upon driving, almost as if he didn't really care what she had to say, but she knew he was still paying attention.

"I don't want things to get, you know, weird, between us.. I kinda like just hanging out with you sometimes."

She saw he was trying not to smile at her clumsy tackling of the uncomfortable subject. "Well, me too, I guess," he said, wetting his lips, and to Joss the gesture came off as mocking.

"I just don't want things to go bad, you know? You get in too deep with some people and it all goes to shit."

This time when she looked over his expression was harder, irritated. "By some people, I guess you mean people like me, right?" He spat the words out, and Joss saw his hands tightening on the wheel, his anger able to flare as quickly as gasoline poured on an open flame.

"You're taking my words all wrong again, Billy. All I mean is, sometimes going from friends to... that... it can cause a lot of shit."

He eased his foot off the gas and the car slowed. "Is that what we are, friends?" His hands flexed on the wheel.

"Maybe," was all Joss could manage.

"I mean," Billy said, gripping the wheel again, trying to restrain his growing frustration with the conversation, "is that all you want?"

"I don't know," Joss said, honestly, "it's all moving way too fast."

He nodded, but his expression was one of resentful scepticism.

"Look," Joss said, distracting him; she pointed up to the sky. "See how big that moon is? Werewolf moon." She grinned and raised her eyebrows twice to enthuse her attempt at lifting the tension.

He laughed lowly, and she was sure he was still irritated with her, but his expression was now tolerant.

"I know a place we can get a good view," he said, and without waiting for her to reply he put his foot down and they set off in a different direction.

/

They pulled up to the old ridge, a small sheer cliff left over from quarrying. Sometimes kids came up here to make out, but at least tonight they were lucky enough to have the place to themselves.

Billy pulled out an old blanket from his back seat and spread it across the hood of his car. He gave her a warning look. "You scratch her and you're dead," he said, pointing a reprimanding, but playful finger at her.

"Okay, okay," Joss said, holding up her hands in defeat, and removed her boots before sliding herself onto the blanket, Billy soon joined her.

"See," he said, over the low muffled sounds of the music still playing through the open car windows. "It's a great view."

Joss sighed, it really was. The moon looked somehow bigger and brighter from this vantage point.

They sat in silence for a good while, just letting the night breeze wash over them. Joss tried not to linger upon the very real possibility that he had probably brought a lot of girls up here, she was just one in a line of many.

"So," Billy said, making her turn slightly to him at the sound, "did you not want to, the other night, because..." He looked uncomfortable, his gaze met hers and he seemed to lose what he was about to say.

"Because?" Joss pushed, knowing exactly what he meant, but enjoying teasing him.

When he was alone with her he didn't always act like the over-confident, perfect-seeming jerk she saw at school. Joss had to admit, she'd watched him a little more lately in the classes they did share, and he never seemed to hesitate or be uncertain, like he knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it. Nothing daunted him, everything came easy and smooth to Billy Hargrove, but now, here in this one intimate casual moment she could feel him waver. Maybe she could rattle him just a little? It seemed a ridiculous idea that Billy would be fazed by anything at all, but here he was, his speech faltering as if his charm had been put on temporary pause.

When he didn't answer she continued, letting him off the hook. "It wasn't for any reason other than I just didn't want to." She turned her face back up to the moonlight.

"Huh," he said, and went quiet for a moment. "I just thought, maybe, you know, you seemed so uncomfortable with all the talk about more advanced relations, I thought maybe..."

Joss turned back to him, half annoyed that he kept interrupting the moment, but thoroughly amused by this line of awkward conversation. "Advanced relations? What?!" she laughed.

"Well, if I was going to be the one to, you know, to..." He thought for a moment, searching for a word. "Deflower you, I should know." He coughed, trying to play it off as a suave move, and turned his own face to the sky.

Joss crumpled into uncontrollable laughter. "Oh dear god," she wheezed. "Did you just say 'deflower'?" She tried to take in a breath but just ended up laughing more as a slight pink tinge touched his cheeks. "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was sitting here with Conan The Barbarian!" She tried to gain herself back from the laughter and took in some deep breaths, as he watched on, trying not to give in to her infectious amusement. "I am here to deflower you!" she said, in a terrible attempt at an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

"Screw you," Billy said, now laughing too, unable to resist the comedy of the situation. He also had a flushed look to his face, but Joss didn't think it was only from the effort of laughing.

It took a good few minutes for her to become somewhat composed again. She wiped at her eyes and let out a few pathetic huffs. "Thanks," she said, with a warm smile, "I really needed that laugh."

"I intended it all along," he drawled lazily, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

"I don't think you're as smooth as you think you are." She nudged him with her foot.

"Most girls," he said, still shaking his head and smiling, "they don't really want to talk about anything other than school gossip, or when we're going to make out next, or what party we can show each other off at. It's different with you."

"Most girls - meaning the small pool you fish from?" She raised her brow at him. "Maybe you need to widen your horizons?"

He laughed, but this time it was a little forced and irritated. "I just mean, usually I don't have to talk about this stuff. Making out, it just happens. Talking about this stuff with you feels weird, like you're one of the guys... but obviously, you are a girl."

"Obviously. Gee," Joss said with a huff of breath and roll of her eyes. "Thanks, I think?"

"I can talk to you on the level about other stuff, so this just feels kinda weird. That's all I mean."

Joss laughed and gave him a withering look. "The true horror is finding out girls are actually human too!" She waggled her fingers at him while humming the Twilight Zone theme music.

"Screw you," he said, nudging her with a well placed elbow.

Joss knew she was being a bit of a jerk to him. He was trying to be honest and open, but her own inability to deal with heavy subjects always made it easier to turn any conversation into something comedic.

They were quiet again, listening distractedly to the soft waves of music.

"No," she finally said, not looking at him.

"No, what?" he said, laughing. "Always so damn cryptic. If it wasn't for your taste in music I really would just dump you on the side of the road and let you walk home, Tanner," he teased.

"I'm not cryptic, you just don't listen." She nudged him again. "The answer to your question is no."

He furrowed his brow. "What question?"

She sighed and shifted onto her side, resting her weight on her elbow so she could support her head with her hand and look at him directly. "You were asking if I was a virgin, right?"

He smiled wolfishly and chewed a little too dramatically on his gum. Joss thought he was caught off guard by frankness, but didn't want to show it.

"So, no, I'm not. You don't have to worry about the responsibility of being my first. Or whatever."

He laughed, turning his head towards the sky, the action making his earring dance. "Or whatever."

"Not that I'm saying that is even going to happen, so don't get any grand ideas," she chided.

He nodded with a cool dismissive air. "Okay. So when did you..."

She kicked him a little harder this time. "None of your damn business!" Joss turned onto her stomach, picking at the stray fluff she found on the blanket. "I don't ask you about how many girls you've done the tango with."

"The tango?" he taunted, laughing and shaking his head. Joss sent a glare his way. "Okay, okay, I see a change of subject is needed." He seemed to consider his next words carefully. "Tell me a secret, then at least I have some blackmail material on you for later." He couldn't keep a straight face and dissolved into a low chuckle. "I'm kidding, but still... tell me? I feel like I hardly know anything about you."

"You're one to talk!" she shot back, but then thought for a moment and her face lit up in delight. "Sometimes, when I'm alone..." she said, drawing out each word so it was twice as long as it needed to be, "and I'm in the shower... all soapy and wet..." She traced a hand sensually down her neck.

She saw him shift a little closer, hoping for some juicy titbit; he licked his bottom lip slowly in anticipation.

"I replace all the guitar solos in songs with meows!" she said, grinning widely as his face fell in disappointment at her so called confession.

"What!? No!" he said, indignantly. "Not something weird, you freak!" He nudged the back of her calf with his toe and they both laughed. "Come on, I'm asking you to be serious. Why'd you get the heebie jeebies about being noticed by anyone at school, the cinema too?"

"Heebie jeebies?" she questioned with a quirk of her eyebrow. "I didn't know this was 'Hawkins does Grease'."

He rolled his eyes and didn't reply, cornering her with his question, and a raise of expectant eyebrow.

Joss pressed her lips together, wondering just how much she wanted to tell him. She hadn't really spoken about her life for a long time, but for some strange reason she found she really wanted to, now, with him. Maybe because no one had ever asked her before. "Okay." She took in a deep breath and sat up, looking at the clear, dark blue, velvet sky above them.

"Serious. I can do that." She paused for a long moment as a sudden welling of want bubbled within her to let it all out, it was almost overpowering.

"When I was a kid, I thought my dad was the whole moon. Just the light, you know? Just everything. We did everything together." She paused for a few seconds, waiting to see if he'd interrupt and bring an end to the path this conversation was going down, but he didn't. "My mom was having affairs and stuff, so she was busy a lot," she said, with mock nicety. "And my dad was my world, for a while. Then, he found some guy's phone number in her pocket and it all came out. They started fighting, physical sometimes, it was a mess. It's all they'd do, every time they were in the same room for longer than five minutes, and after a while, my dad, he just got this look."

She closed her eyes, suddenly fighting back unwanted and surprising tears. "This look, that was just full of disappointment - but not when he looked at my mom, only when he looked at me. Like he wished I didn't exist, like it would be easier if I was gone." She quickly caught an escaping tear with the palm of her hand and wiped it off her cheek, trying her best to disguise it.

She heard Billy shift behind her and hoped he hadn't seen her cry, she didn't dare turn to look at him, afraid he'd see any emotion on her face. She took a moment of silence to try and gauge just what his reaction would be, but again he remained quiet.

"I was eleven years old. Me being me, the mouth that just speaks, I asked him, 'Hey Dad, do you still love me?'" She paused, taking a deep breath, anger overtaking the tears. "He said... sometimes. Fucking 'sometimes'! Every time I looked him in the eyes I saw that 'sometimes', I saw the disappointment that it wasn't easy for him to just leave, because of me and what I meant, his god damn shackles." She pulled her knees up to her chest, trying to comfort herself. "I tried to find something else to love for a while, and I found rock music, and I just immersed myself in it. Started to dress like them kinda, the bands, I bet I looked like a real freak. I wanted to belong somewhere I guess."

Billy let out a low breath but didn't speak.

"The kids at school thought that was exactly what I was, a freak. So they'd play pranks on me and get me in trouble. Like real shitty mean stuff, and my dad got mad at me over that too, he said I was 'looking for attention'. Not one adult believed me."

Billy let out a small chuffing noise of sympathy, half laugh, half scoff, and Joss felt like he had reached out and physically hugged her. Jesus, was she really that starved of sympathy? She felt pathetic.

"So, instead, I started trying real hard to be invisible. I avoided him, I avoided my mom, I tried to avoid the kids at school, and I just became a ghost in my own home, hardly glimpsed, because me, a damn little kid, wanted to make it easier for him to finally just leave and have his own life."

"That's rough," Billy said, lowly behind her, "some people just shouldn't have kids."

Joss nodded. "It was just easier to live like that then. But the kids at school didn't stop. I ignored all the mean comments and body checks in the hallways, but it didn't make them stop, it just made them try harder. One day they pushed me down the stairs. I don't know if it was a prank gone too far, or if they really wanted to hurt me. I hit my head and was out cold for a few minutes. The teacher thought I'd die because there was just this pool of blood, turns out scalps bleed a lot... but no lasting brain damage, or so the doctors said."

Billy took in another deep breath. "Do you think it was on purpose?"

Joss stilled a moment and finally nodded.

"That's messed up," he said, with a hiss of unamused laughter.

"After that, my parents decided I needed a new start, so when my dad left for California, he took me with him."

"You lived in Cali?" Billy asked, surprised. "Where?"

Joss nodded but didn't answer his question directly. "I went to school there for nearly five years, right when being a teenager hit and I couldn't keep up the pretense of being nobody with him. I was his kid and he didn't believe me, or fight for me, or even care... How could I trust him after that? We fought a lot, like screaming matches, and he even said once, he wished I wasn't there. So, I ran away, onto the streets for 48 hours. I'm lucky I didn't have anything bad happen to me I guess, but the town my dad lives in is pretty small and sleepy, cute, by-the-sea shit, so the worst I saw was some guy peeing up a shop window."

"Definitely not near where I lived then," Billy laughed. "You couldn't walk two blocks without getting held up past 9pm."

Joss could tell he was trying to make her laugh, and the gesture did make her smile.

"So, what happened?" he asked, after a few seconds of silence.

"The police found me and my dad was so angry, he'd had to miss work and his boss was pissed, threatened to fire him. So, he decided he didn't want the 'responsibility of my welfare', he sent me back here, to my mom, and I went back to being nobody with her. I guess she thought I could look after myself because she started to be home less and less."

"So, you came back to school here? Isn't Hawkins Middle School and High School pretty much the same place? How come you've not been given the name of town pariah?"

"When I came back I was sixteen, and we agreed with the school that I'd be introduced as a new Sophomore student. Nearly five years changes you a lot, I guess, and I looked really different. My hair had grown long, I'd lost some puppy fat, gotten taller, hit puberty, and no one recognized me. I used my mom's surname and went by my middle name, Josselyn, so the transformation was complete, I was someone else with a whole new life. I stayed low, kept to my lane and didn't cause any drama. It was good to be nobody, no one notices you or messes with you because no one really sees you." She rocked back slightly, glancing at him. "So, that's why I get the 'heebie jeebies'."

"That's a... well it's a story," Billy said, with what could have been taken as an unkind laugh - but Joss saw the hint of sympathy in the look he passed her when their eyes connected.

"Yeah, my life story, enjoy the information dump, it's all yours. But..." she hesitated, "keep it just yours, okay? You owe me for the Dio tape your machine chewed the crap out of, so call it even?"

"Okay, even," he said. "So, where is your dad now?"

"Still in California. Most summers my mom insists I go see him for a week, but it's awkward as hell. He tries sometimes, it's better I guess. I think part of him feels guilty, maybe?" Joss rubbed her hands against her bare legs, suddenly feeling the chill of the fast approaching early morning hours. "So, that's why I don't want us to go further, I like to go unnoticed, and being seen with you or dating you, it would be a big fucking notice," she said, looking back towards him again, hoping this whole story would make him understand.

"I never said I wanted to date you." He laughed, putting his hands behind his head, grinning up at the sky. "Jeez, your ego is huge!"

"No, you didn't. But it'd just be bad, you know?"

"For you?"

"For both of us."

"Why both of us?" he asked, almost seeming as if he was goading her with the question.

"Because you like the attention, all eyes on you, and I hate it," Joss said, trying to get him to be serious now, but he kept that mocking grin on his face, chewing his gum almost defiantly.

"No one even knows who you are, they think you're someone else," Billy sneered, dismissing her concerns.

"That's not the point. We are not a good match."

"You think you know me so well, huh?"

She kicked him lightly again, disliking the feeling of being taunted after baring a little piece of her soul. "Not well, but enough in some ways."

Silence fell again, the soft waves of guitars drifting out from the stereo.

"What about you? What's your secret?" Joss said, leaning back towards him, her hand reaching for his face, her fingertip brushing the cut on his bottom lip lightly, telling him with that small act of compassion that she knew he hadn't got it in a scuffle with one of his classmates. She was fully aware of his reputation, he knew how to fight, she'd seen it a few times in school. No one came out of a clash with Billy Hargrove unscathed, and right now his knuckles bore no tell-tale grazes or bruises of any recent conflict. He flinched away, grabbing her hand in his, preventing her going further with her pity.

"Your dad?" she asked lowly. He'd never said anything directly about it, but the way he talked about his home life and his father in general felt sour to Joss.

"I can handle myself." He rolled his eyes, laughing at her concern.

"You shouldn't have to," Joss said, her hand still grasped in his.

"Well, like I said, some people just shouldn't have kids."

"Your dad sounds like an asshole," she breathed. "Why don't you just leave?" she said, her eyes finding his.

He laughed, the sound unkind. "Where would I go? What would I live on? Think I want to break my back for a few dollars every day, just to spend it on rent and food?"

Joss felt fully rebuked, she hadn't thought about that, at least her parents still took care of her financially, even if they weren't there physically or emotionally.

"Besides, if I'm not there, he'll just get angry at someone else. It's how he is." Billy let go of her hand and looked away. "He always got angry at my mom, I had to step up or stand there and watch."

Joss nodded in understanding. "That's pretty noble, you know?"

He hissed a laugh out through his teeth, spat the gum into the bushes and pulled a cigarette out from behind his ear, igniting it with a flick of his lighter. "Noble?" he repeated, sticking his tongue out through a cloud of exhaled smoke, thoroughly amused by this notion.

"Is that so crazy?" she asked, her words drawing him back to look at her.

He shook his head, dismissing her words as foolish.

"You still see your mom?" She watched as he thumbed the silver metal medallion hanging from a chain around his neck, a religious icon of the Virgin Mary and Child etched into it.

"No," he said, sighing in impatience, that squirm of discomfort vibrating out of his being once more. "She left. I was... maybe ten. My dad drove her away, but she still decided to walk and leave me behind... And she knew, she knew what he was like, so..."

"I'm sorry."

He laughed, grinning as if he detested every syllable out of her mouth. "I don't need your damn sympathy."

"It's not sympathy," Joss protested. Billy eyed her with clear disbelief. "It's just shitty you have to go through that. It's shitty that anyone has to be hurt by what their parents do, and have to carry it with them the rest of their lives. It sucks," she finished, leaning back, not feeling so confident now.

"Yeah life sucks, what are you going to do? It is what it is." He narrowed his eyes suddenly at her, annoyed suspicion clouding his features. "I only told you this as an exchange, shitty family story for shitty family story, so it's square now. I keep your secret..." He took another drag on his cigarette but didn't finish.

Joss knew what he meant, but he made it sound so much like a threat of war. "You can trust me," she said, connecting with his eyes for a moment.

"Yeah, sure," he said, far more interested in smoking and tapping his foot in time with the music's beat.

After some time had passed he cleared his throat lowly. "It's getting late. I'll drive you home." He flicked the cigarette to the floor, jumped off the hood, and put it out with his boot heel. Not waiting for her reply, he headed back to the car, his hands shoved deep in his jeans pockets.

Joss got off the car, pulled on her boots, bundled the blanket into her arms and put it on the back seat before getting in beside Billy and closing the door. They stayed perfectly silent for a few seconds as neither moved, she could feel his displeasure. He wasn't necessarily angry, but he was resentful, of her mere presence or just the way this conversation had eventually gone, she wasn't fully sure.

"Hey," she said, finally breaking the tension, "you going to be okay?" Her eyes flicked to his injured lip.

"Like I said," he turned the key and put the car into reverse, "I can handle myself." He gave her a stern look before glancing over his shoulder and, at speed, reversing out onto the road.

/

A/N

Hello, Friday is here I hope some readers are too.

I promise this song (Daddy Issues) is the only one where I actually step out of the early/mid 80s completely as this song has just always been Billy to me ever since season 3. I had to use it in my story and to me this song has a very 80s feel to it, I felt very nostalgic when I first heard it.

Having been on the end of bullying in my own high school years, it's something I've always wanted to write about. But, usually I write historical period stuff so it's not something I've had a chance to explore before. I hope any readers out there in the void on the internet find something relatable about how I'm depicting it and how it messes a lot of your self worth up.

If you are reading and enjoying please think about commenting. I'd love to hear where you think this is going to go for these two. But if you can't thanks for being here anyway.

Until next time.