Chapter Eighteen

Fault Lines

Bella Swan

May 2005

"Now, Bella, what's gotten you so hell-bent and convinced that you're a horrific monster?"

I was left reeling after Carlisle's question, and his words repeated over and over in my mind as I worked to scramble for some sort of answer.

"I-" there was no thought I could come up with to even try forcing out of my mouth, so, my head just shook back and forth unthinkingly.

Carlisle nodded and sat back in his chair again, "Bella, I know it's the most direct question I've asked of you, and I apologize for the brashness of it, but, it's time to face this issue." His eyes were soft and kind again, "you have so much potential. In a very short two months, you've made an extreme amount of progress and don't show any signs of regressing into previous patterns. I want to make something clear to you. I am very proud of you, Bella."

My eyes stung with tears that would never fall, "that means a lot. Thank you. You can ask me anything you want to, all of you can, but it did surprise me."

"I thought it might help me get through to you by being direct." He smiled guiltily. "Although, I was hoping your newborn trait of saying the first thing on your mind might kick in and give me the truth right off the bat."

"I had no thought, actually." I grinned back at him. "I wish I had an answer, but I don't really know what's gotten me convinced I'm so different from you all. It's just something I know that's true."

Carlisle picked up a pen and a notepad before focusing on me again, "what are some of your reasonings behind your perception of yourself being "so different", so you say."

"Where does the list end?" I laughed without any humor. "My looks, my lack of control of myself, how I'm not able to convince myself I'm actually safe no matter how hard I try to, and that I've killed more people than I'll ever be able to wrap my head around."

Carlisle had been making a bulleted list of my points as I spoke them aloud, nodding his head passively, and, once I had fallen silent for the moment, he straightened back up in his seat.

"Shall we go down the list then?" Carlisle smiled like he'd already won the debate, it was a look I'd seen him have with Edward during one of their heated-seeming, but fake, arguments. "Your appearance is first on your mind, and that's something I can tackle quickly."

"I can too." I bristled. "Look at me, I'm nearly covered in horrible scars, none of you have even seen the full scope of them! The only one who completely understands is Jasper, but he's one of you and-"

"Exactly." Carlisle agreed with me, seemingly. "Jasper is "one of us", as you put it, but that wasn't always so. He and Alice joined us in 1950, Edward and I had already been a true father and son for thirty years by then, and I'd gained another son in Emmett in the meantime, but Jasper became as much my son as Edward and Emmett. I won't say his appearance wasn't unnerving at first, he was still struggling and was very aloof with us all, and that gave him an intimidating factor. But, the minute he began to relax and open up to us, it was very easy to see past his appearance. He's quick-witted, passionate, deeply protective, extremely intelligent, and secretly very playful. Regardless of his appearance, of his past, he's built himself into a person deserving of respect. I can't say that about many members of our kind."

"What do you mean?" I asked him quickly. "I thought you said there's hardly any fighting outside of the south? Isn't everyone outside of the south beautiful and unscarred then?"

"Oh they might be without scarring and trauma, but those vampires have become something darker anyway." Carlisle frowned to himself and his eyes looked very troubled suddenly. "You might be surprised by the complete dismissal of life others of our kind possess, even outside of the war in the south. Many of our kind simply disconnected from their humanity once changed. Now, I'm not in any position, nor do I want to, condemn others for being in the circumstances they are. But the cruelty that some members of our kind have, the absolute ruthless glee they have while killing, is deeply unnerving. Purposeful mutilation of their victims, actively manipulating and playing with human emotions like lust and fear, and toying with their lives as if they mean nothing...it's all disturbing to me."

"Didn't Edward go off on his own to hunt humans for a few years? Do you not feel that way about him?" I asked hesitantly.

The last thing I wanted to do was upset Carlisle by bringing up any hurtful memories. As upset as I'd been with Edward, I still didn't want to hurt him in any way. I was able to relax when Carlisle smiled at me guiltily again.

"There were certainly some conflicting feelings for myself, and Esme, when Edward went off on his own in the fashion that he did. Of course I took issue with the loss of life, though, I did understand his thought processes behind his choices. His unique gift allowed him to target the worst of humanity, and he was able to justify those choices for some time before realizing the scope of his actions. He was, and still is, quite remorseful for what he said was himself "playing God" for those years. The difference I know to be true is that Edward kept his sense of self, he had to if he returned home and back to our diet, and that was enough for me to welcome him back openly. He's my son and that love has no limits or conditions, however hypocritical that may be of me."

I folded myself up in the chair as I tried to wrangle my thoughts back together, "okay, I think I'm seeing your point here. The monster isn't always just on the outside, sometimes it's inside and out."

He shook his head, "or, most often, only inside. You are hardly deserving of any condemnation at all, Bella. Which, I believe, leads us into our next easy topic. Your "lack of control" that you see within yourself."

"That one's easy too." I agreed. "I'm a mess mentally. I can hardly hold on to my thoughts sometimes, I have so many instincts that I have to force myself to not act on, and I don't think I'll ever even out emotionally."

Carlisle smiled again, nearly teasingly, but it was good-natured, "I hate to reduce this problem of yours to simply you being in your first year, but, it completely is."

"Uhh, I'm so tired of hearing that." I groaned, putting my head on the back of the chair. "I get it, I'm still new at all of this, especially compared to you, but this is seriously how I feel!"

"I know you do, for now, but this phase changes and eases up over time. You're much farther along than I suspected you'd be, honestly. Your worry doesn't last forever as much as it feels like it will." He assured me. "I'm also going to let the comment on my age go, for now." He teased me fondly, like I was Alice or Rosalie taking a snide shot.

"Well, it's true, I can't help that I'm not as ancient as you are." I grinned as I sat up and looked at him again.

Carlisle laughed, loudly, and I was very proud of myself for making another successful joke.

"Alright then," he kept chuckling, "I'm curious to hear what instincts you have that you're trying so hard to stomp down in order to control."

This was another easy question, "the urge to fight off someone's hand or arm when they're just trying to comfort me. I have to convince myself that you all aren't being mean or manipulative when teasing or making comments about me. Don't get me wrong, I do believe it most of the time, but it's sometimes hard to convince myself that you all really do care about me as much as you seem to. I want to be able to relax when someone puts an arm around me, I want to hug people back, and sometimes I really just want to kiss Ed-" I stopped mid sentence, dead cold, and nearly spontaneously combusted over my embarrassment.

Had I really almost admitted to Carlisle, Edward's father, how badly I wanted Edward's love sometimes? When I hadn't even admitted it to myself fully? What the hell was wrong with me!

"Well then." Carlisle's eyebrows raised, he didn't seem surprised, but he looked more excited than any other emotion. "We won't get into all that, I'll spare you for now, but there is something I want to say. From my perspective, you need to feel at peace more than you need to feel in control. If you can find stability and comfort in the moment around you, then that's a great success. No one should be so tightly in control at every moment. You would never enjoy your life that way."

I was hearing him, but I couldn't force myself to meet his eye contact. The embarrassment was too strong still. All I could manage to do was nod in understanding. I really liked the idea of trying to learn to enjoy more of my life. This existence had brought me good things thus far with the Cullens.

"One more thing and I'll let you flee like you wish to."

He chuckled and I refused to meet his eye contact. I loved the way his eyes were always so kind and seemed to calm me down, but I didn't want to see any teasing on his face after the day I'd had.

"Where you're concerned about being a terrible murderer, that only tells me that you're capable of remorse and have a good conscience, and that's hardly damning. You were working with what the environment around you gave. There are other choices and supports for you now, and you've decided for yourself to be different. Besides, we've all had our faults. Not a single person in this family can claim that they've never harmed an innocent."

There was no way I couldn't be stunned by that, "you?"

I had met his eye contact finally, and he was nothing but open and kind. "Technically, yes. I changed four random people, my wife and children now, at my own will and probably against their wishes. Although Edward's biological mother unknowingly begged for his change, and Rosalie had my hands tied for Emmett's, it still wasn't right of me morally. I'm a murderer in my own ways."

"You shouldn't say that about yourself." I refused to believe it and suddenly felt a surge of anger. "I'll never think that way about you. It doesn't seem right at all."

"Oh, but Bella," he smiled warmly at me again, "I, along with the others, feel the same way about you. It doesn't seem right to place such blame on you. Not someone capable of so much grace and kindness."

My brain didn't seem able to comprehend so many shocks in just one conversation. I knew Carlisle was fond of me, in the same quiet but steady way he was with his children, but I didn't realize he was capable of such compassion for someone like me. Maybe I could start to learn how to see myself differently by having his example and care.

Carlisle stood and I rose with him. He stepped around his desk and motioned for me to go ahead of him towards the door. I did my best to not show how eager I was to escape the heaviness of the room, but Carlisle's chuckle as he grabbed the door handle told me I had failed.

"I hope you'll think about our conversation and take some of it to heart." He wished me. "It might seem forward of me to ask this after I've put you through a lot of discomfort this evening, but may I give you a hug?"

I nodded before I could think. Carlisle smiled, his arms encircled me, and I felt very safe. I wrapped my arms around him and relaxed. Carlisle must've felt my change of posture, because he put his hand at the back of my head and held me as if I were a small child.

"I'm very happy that you're here, I am so proud of you, and you are so special to me." He promised me as he continued to hold me close. "And, of course, I am quite enjoying having another daughter."

I was choking on emotion, and all I could do was nod my head enthusiastically as he let me go.

Carlisle wished me a good night as we stepped into the hall, his arm around my back supportively, and he squeezed me one more time before leaving me at the guest rooms door just outside his office. I hesitated between the door and the flight of stairs up to Edward's room.

I thought of Carlisle's kind words, of his belief in me, and Rosalie's encouragements from earlier. My feet started up the stairs as I suddenly got the confidence I needed to face Edward again.

When I reached his doorway, however, my nerves gave out again. He was sitting with his back against his bed frame, looking out the massive window into the backyard, and had such a devastating look on his face. I walked slowly up to him, sat down beside him on the floor, and put my back to the bed frame as well before forcing my eyes to look out the window with him.

I spoke about the first thing I noticed, "the nighttime is so different here."

Edward seemed startled, "how long have you been sitting here?"

"Only a minute." I shrugged. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I thought you knew when I walked in."

"No, don't apologize. My thoughts were apparently somewhere else and your steps are so quiet." He smiled softly and shook his head. "Honestly, I didn't think you'd come to find me tonight. Not after I hurt you so badly earlier."

"I probably would've been here sooner, but Carlisle wanted to talk with me in his office." It was the truth, but I wasn't sure just how long it would've taken me to join him without Carlisle's helpful intervention.

Edward turned towards me, "Bella, I can't tell you how incredibly sorry I am for hurting your feelings earlier. I hope you believe me when I say I wasn't trying to at all. I was careless with my words and expressions, and I absolutely see how I gave you a terrible impression about me. I am so sorry."

"I believe you, but I still don't understand where any of it came from. Why were you so disgusted by Alice's words?" I questioned him, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the truth.

Edward shifted uncomfortably, "well, when I told Alice she shouldn't say things like that, it wasn't because I couldn't stomach the idea of me liking you. I was put out with her for trying to force things to happen at a faster pace like she always does."

"What is she trying to force? Why does she try to?"

My question made him uncomfortable again, "Alice sees so many things. She's often living in the future and she gets so ahead of herself sometimes, especially when something big is about to happen that she's excited for, but she's usually able to be contained. She's running out of patience on this one."

"Okay, great, Alice is the most impatient person we know. Glad that's clear." I agreed with him. "What's not clear is what she's trying to force on us all too early."

"Not on us all, not technically, just force on you and myself." He replied with his eyes glued on the river outside the window.

I was about to keep questioning him, until I remembered Alice's words from earlier, and I kept myself quiet.

"Edward having a crush on you is not the furthest thing from the truth." Alice had said with complete conviction.

I had refused to believe it in the moment. I'd been so focused on my appearance and faults that I'd shut down the idea completely. After my talk with Rosalie, my awkward half-confession to Carlisle, and my own realization that I might have very strong feelings for Edward...I was more hesitant than ever to say the wrong thing to him.

I tried to think of something neutral to say. He hadn't actually said what Alice was trying to force from us in exact words, and, even though I thought I knew what it was, I didn't know how he truly felt about it.

"So, I'm guessing you've seen the visions in her head then. Of the things she's so impatient for?" I asked with extreme hesitation.

Edward smiled to himself, the look seemed wistful but happy, "yes, I have. Neither one of us can help what we see or hear, you know. Still, she did a good job of keeping all the information from me as long as she could."

"You seem happy by whatever it is." I noted while trying to keep my voice as impassive as possible.

"Very." He agreed immediately.

I turned to look in his face, and felt breathless when I saw his intense expression. We'd both been awkwardly looking at each other from the corners of our eyes while we faked looking somewhere else. To see him focused on me with so many complex emotions on his face was heavy.

"So...the crush talk?"

"I did not hush Alice because I didn't agree with her. I stopped her because I didn't want her to influence you and embarrass me all at the same time." He confessed, and, though he didn't say the words outright, I felt like he was confirming his crush on me. "At least Alice distracted me away from her visions enough to let me meet you for myself. Even if it was just that first day, it gave me time to make my own impression of you before she pounced on me. She caught me in Carlisle's office right after you left to hunt with Jasper for the first time and, even though she tried to hold back, I think I saw most everything. I was surprised at first, but, like I said, I had already met you for myself and had my own opinion."

I spoke before thinking again, "what opinion could you have had after barely knowing me half of a day?"

"That you were struggling with your self-image, seemed very self-conscious, and that it didn't seem right that someone as pretty as you with so much to live for had suffered so badly." Edward had called me pretty! I struggled to focus as he continued on, "I told both my parents so. Of course, they teased me for calling you pretty, but I thought it was just good natured fun at the time. I didn't know they'd both, along with Jasper, been clued in by Alice."

"Wait. They all knew that we'd like each other?" I gasped, and then gasped again when I'd realized what I'd said. I put my hands over my mouth as if I could take back the words.

Edward's eyes looked shocked, I could see every color and emotion in his wide pretty eyes as we both sat in stunned silence. Again, I was mortified by my choice of words. But, when Edward started to smile, one that looked crooked from the effort to restrain himself, I couldn't help but laugh.

At my laughter, Edward deflated a little, "you're sure nothing Alice or anyone else has said has influenced you in any way? You haven't been pushed along too quickly?"

"What? No!" I assured him. "Besides, even if I had been pushed, who's to say that it's not the right timeline? Alice only sees the events. Not exactly when they'll happen every single time right?"

"Right." He agreed looking only slightly assured.

I realized then that maybe Edward wasn't without his own internal demons. I suddenly got the impression that he might not be very confident in himself.

"They'd all sworn each other to secrecy, you know." Edward spoke again, startling me out of my internal planning to build his confidence up, "Alice only told Carlisle and Esme once she and Jasper had gotten back from their trip to make sure you were going to get home safe. Alice had only just told Jasper when they were close to home. She actually only told them because I was out in the meadow and she couldn't contain the secret anymore."

"Is that why Carlisle and Esme liked me so quickly?" I asked and I was beginning to feel conflicted about my acceptance into the Cullen house. I didn't want it to be some conditional term I unknowingly signed.

Edward looked horrified by what he'd implied, "Oh, no, Bella. Not at all. They both cared for you the moment Alice started seeing visions of you back in December. Regardless of Alice's visions about us, Esme and Carlisle were already set on you joining us long before they knew the full scope of Alice's visions." He explained quickly and I felt relieved instantly. "I have got to do better about explaining things more clearly. I forget that I can't read your mind to see your interpretation and correct myself. I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Edward." I nodded. "I understand how there was much more going on behind the scenes, but the basic plots the same." I giggled.

"Exactly!" He laughed with me.

Once the laughter faded, the whole situation we found ourselves in seemed to settle over us.

"We really just admitted to having crushes on each other, didn't we?" I asked, knowing the answer already, but it was so surreal I could hardly believe it.

"A pretty major one, in my case." Edward nodded and grinned slightly in embarrassment.

"Mine too, I think." I smiled back at him. "I'm fairly sure I've been focused on you since hearing and seeing you in the meadow, but I had so many other things happening around me that it crept up on me slowly. Our first dance lesson is what set it all in motion, looking back on it. It just hit me earlier tonight that it was even possible on your end."

"The dance lesson, and all the ones after, I enjoyed very much." Edward's smile went crooked again.

I knew what he was thinking, "oh, you just liked the chance to have me close and to yourself, hmm?"

"Yes." Edward admitted and there was no guilt or hesitation anywhere to be seen. "What do you mean that this evening was when you realized I might like you in return? I've sometimes thought I've been a little too obvious these past few weeks. What made you think I wouldn't like you?"

I wasn't quite ready to get too deep into all of the heavy topics surrounding my self image of whether I was deserving of his attention or not. He seemed to sense my hesitation and smiled at me encouragingly.

"I've got a lot of baggage, things I don't expect or want anyone to carry for me, but that's on me. I'm working on it, I'm gaining some footing here, and I promise to tell you when I feel more secure in it. I just don't want to push myself, or you, too fast."

"I can understand that, definitely." He nodded. "Take your time. I'll be here when you feel you can, or want to, share anything with me."

I smiled, "I know. That's why I like you so much." I teased him and he chuckled before nudging me with his shoulder playfully.

We did not, as I might've hoped for, hug or kiss or solidify our simmering romance in any way. After our admissions of our crushes on each other, Edward took my hand, pulled me downstairs with him, and we resumed our Fox Trot lesson with just slightly more enthusiasm than previously. The only tangible outcome of our shared emotions came through the way Edward's steady hands held me much closer than before, and my inability to look away from his eyes.

"Oh! Bella, you're getting to be such a beautiful dancer!" Esme cooed as she entered the living room in the morning.

"Beautiful." Edward agreed, leaving our little bubble in order to start his school day, and he sent me a secretive wink from behind Esme's back as he went upstairs.