Chapter Ten

Girl Talk

Bella Swan

March 2005

"Oh, I am so happy you've decided to stay!" Esme smiled beautifully as she stood slowly to her feet. "This is going to be so wonderful! Would you like to see your room now, or would you rather wait till later?" She asked someone while looking towards me.

"Well?" Alice asked me while shaking her head up and down in a clear "yes" signal.

It all puzzled me, "Wait. My room?"

"Everyone here has their own room, Bella. You're no exception now." Alice smiled mischievously at me, a smile I didn't think could ever mean anything good, and my fear skyrocketed again.

"Of course you've got your own room, sweetheart. Alice and I have tried our best to make it comfortable for you. Between her visions and my practicality, I think we've done a pretty good job." Esme smiled proudly. "Everything should be ready for you, but I want to know if we've missed the mark or if something needs any changing."

The idea of a space entirely to myself, one that I could shut a door and be completely alone, was so foreign to me now. And she was worried about something being wrong with it? Should I have told her I'd been hiding in a corner behind an old water heater for months now?

Instead of breaking her heart more, I turned towards Alice and opted for something a little more casual, "You really have been seeing me a long time now, haven't you?"

Alice frowned to herself, "Since the night of your change, actually." She confessed and my dead heart sank into my stomach. "I saw the attack and didn't know what to make of any of it. I didn't know who you were or why I'd be seeing something so clearly when it involved a human. Later, when I saw Maria's involvement in another vision about you, I began to think the visions were a warning sign for Jasper. But then your missing person posters spread across the country practically overnight, you were all over the news, and we learned your father lived here and was trying everything to find you. After a couple more visions, we all figured out you were trying to find a way to escape, and we assumed you'd come here. That's when I started to see you here with us."

My heart was still twisting around in my gut by the end of her confession, "Alice, I'm so sorry."

"Bella," the pretty boy, Edward, gasped as the others looked stunned, "you were the one attacked. You suffered all that pain and fear. Why are you apologizing?"

"Because she..." I stammered over the words, feeling all of their eyes on me at one time was getting tiring, "she saw all of it and I know that none of it had to be easy to watch. Even if she didn't care who I was or if I was some terrible omen for the Major, she still shouldn't have to suffer seeing it all."

"That right there, Bella." The Major smirked. "You saying things like that is how we know you're still you. We might've not known each other before, but I can't imagine you'd learn that kind of kindness fighting in Maria's army." He looked...proud of me. "But stop calling me Major. I hated it then and I hate it more now. My name is Jasper." He ordered firmly, but he was still grinning.

"Come on, let's go see your room. We'll catch up more later." Alice chirped and motioned for me to follow her.

As I stood uneasily, Esme came up to me slowly, "You'll find that Alice is the most outspoken amongst us."

"Nah, she's just bossy!" Emmett laughed. "Mom's always trying to make us sound better than we are."

"I'm sure it's in the job description somewhere." Esme teased him back as she led me out of the room and towards a grand staircase.

"Esme," I tried to think of how to speak to her, "I'm sorry if I've left any kind of mess. I'll clean everything up later if you'll let me."

She stopped and turned towards me at the base of the stairs, and I cursed myself mentally for slipping up already.

"Bella, that is very kind of you to offer, but entirely unnecessary. You've fought so hard to make it here to us, you've come a very long way, and it's time for you to rest now. Don't worry about a silly little patch of mud. Emmett and Jasper make more of a mess nearly on a daily basis. I've got it handled. Don't worry, please." She swore to me, her eyes holding nothing but kindness.

"I'm not getting any younger up here!" Alice sang from somewhere on the second floor of the house. "You've already kept me waiting long enough, Bella!"

As I climbed the stairs after Esme, trying to pace my steps to hers, she switched the conversation topic. "We chose green primarily for your room. We weren't too sure of your preference, since we couldn't talk directly to you of course, but Alice thought green might be a safe option."

"How did you come up with that?" I asked Alice, now that I could see her standing at the end of the hallway. "I have to admit this whole "seeing the future" thing has got me curious."

Alice beamed at me, "Well, on several occasions I saw you choose green clothing items. Also your surroundings were always grey and concrete, so I thought a little more greenery couldn't be a bad thing."

"That makes a lot of sense." I agreed easily. The logic seemed very sound to me.

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Bella." Alice continued to smile as we neared her. "My gift usually doesn't make sense to people. Sometimes not even me. It can get a little complicated."

"I think it's wonderful." I offered her as much of a smile as I could manage and she smiled wider in response.

"Okay, I can't wait anymore." Esme clapped excitedly. She opened a door, it was just beside the base of stairs leading up to a third story, before stepping back. "Why don't you come see your room?"

Hesitantly, I stepped forwards and pushed the door open further. The idea of having my own space had me too overwhelmed to even enter the room. From the doorway I took in the four poster iron bed and the canopy of white lace curtains surrounding it. A matching antique dresser and desk sat on either side of the bed. The walls were a rich dark green that matched the comforter on the bed. Thick white curtains hung along the north wall that had ceiling to floor windows. I could see so much of the surrounding territory. I felt at ease to know I had escape routes and couldn't be held captive here.

"Step inside. You haven't seen the best part yet." Alice urged me forwards, and I stepped carefully into the room.

The wall by the door was covered by a ceiling to floor bookshelf already filled in places with books. I remembered I used to love reading, and I even spotted a few titles I recognized, but my throat suddenly felt tight again. Esme and Alice watched me from the doorway, smiling widely, but they seemed to sense when my mood changed.

"Oh Bella, what's wrong?" Esme worried.

"Thank you, this is all amazing." I shook my head, not wanting to bother her with anymore worry over me.

"No, none of that." Esme shook her head. "Please, Bella, tell me what made you sad?"

"I didn't realize I was..." I hesitated. I wondered if I should lie, but decided just to spit out the truth. "I know I used to love to read, but I don't remember anything more than that. I've forgotten what I liked and for some stupid reason that makes me...sad."

"That's not stupid at all." Alice disagreed quickly. "I'm sure that you'll find lots of things new and frightening at first. We've got to find what you like again. I will tell you that I've seen plenty of visions of you and Jasper arguing about book plots, so I'm guessing this will be something you might enjoy. Jasper doesn't pick a fight with just anyone anymore." She giggled.

Arguing with the Major over which book is better? Could this day get any stranger?

"Edward picked most of the books out himself with a little input by Jasper and Carlisle. If you remember anything you liked, let us know and we'll find it for you." Esme offered.

"Thank you. Seriously, I mean it, this is the nicest thing anyone's done for me."

"You're very welcome, Bella. We're so glad you like it. I hope you'll find some peace here." Esme nodded.

"Hmm, peaceful, yes, maybe not as much time alone as you're hoping for her, Esme." Alice spoke knowingly. "Lots of people to get to know, lots of things to see and do, so you won't ever be lonely." She told me.

"Speaking of loneliness," Rosalie appeared in the doorway, "I was feeling a little left out of the girl group." She smiled at us all.

"Sorry, Sis." Alice giggled before a thought seemed to cross her mind. "Did you want to pounce on her now or later?"

Rosalie smiled widely in response, "Now is as good a time as any, I suppose." It was the same mischievous sort of look Alice had given me earlier and my nerves twisted my stomach again.

"No, no, don't include me in this." Esme moved away from Alice and stepped closer towards me. "We're all just getting to know each other. Don't you think you might come off a little too forward? Just let her shower and change and leave her to rest for a bit, hmm?"

"I'm sorry, what's happening?" I asked, freaked out by Alice and Rosalie's looks along with Esme's worried tone. "Am I in some kind of danger?"

"Oh goodness, no. The girls are just a little too eager to have a new doll to play with. They'll get you cleaned up and then dress you up and do your hair." Esme explained it to me as if it was a terrible experience, but it didn't sound too terrible to me. Plus, I needed more interaction with the girls if I wanted to feel even somewhat comfortable here.

"It doesn't sound...horrible."

"Glad to hear you say that, Bella." Rosalie smiled at me and her beauty stunned me for a moment. "Alice, let's use your bathroom. It's larger than the hall bath."

"Will I be alright?" I asked Esme. I didn't like the look of worry on her face as she watched the girls walk down the hall.

"Yes, of course you'll be alright. No one's going to hurt you." She nodded quickly. "I'm worried they'll come off too strong and freak you out. I don't want them to make you hate us so soon."

"Hate is a pretty strong word." I frowned.

I knew I hated people, but it was a detached sort of hatred, it was something I couldn't deal with until I was safe. Although I was fearful and didn't fully trust the coven to not turn on me after ensuring a false sense of safety, I didn't hate them for it. If they did turn on me, I still didn't think I could hate them for that either. I understood doing what you had to do in order to survive.

"That's very kind of you to say." Esme smiled softly at me and slowly put her hand on my shoulder. "Go on then, try to have a little fun, okay?"

Her hand made me writhe in anxiety internally, but I did my best to not show my discomfort on my face. I tried to convince myself she was only trying to show me some comfort.

"Okay." I agreed, more than a little hesitant, and took careful steps as I followed after the girls.

"Good luck. Have fun." Esme told us all before drifting back downstairs to rejoin the others.

Alice had opened a door at the end of the hall near my room and, as I followed her inside, I was a little in shock by my surroundings. The bedroom was smaller, but there was a massive walk in closet off of one wall that led into a large bathroom. It felt more like a salon than a bathroom.

"Okay, shower first. Then we'll do your nails, hair, and clothes. Sound good?" Rosalie asked me, her shoes clicking on the tile as she grabbed items from various places around the room.

Before I even had the chance to nod, Rosalie had continued on, "Here's towels and a robe. Shampoo, conditioner, and soaps are all in the shower. Take all the time you want. Alice and I will be in her room, so just come and open the closet doors whenever you're ready."

And then they were gone.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt like I was looking at someone else. I'd seen myself in a mirror for the first time after my change and had screamed from the alienness. There was no recognition of myself then and I didn't feel much of it now. I had gained more scars on my face since the last time I'd seen myself. There was now a fairly prominent scar running through my eyebrow, but it was a short one thankfully. I wondered when Farrah had gotten me with her nails.

I recovered and moved towards the shower. I got out of my clothes and carefully collected them into a pile on the tile where they wouldn't get anything else dirty. After turning on the hot water, I stepped inside and finally let myself relax a little. I refused to really look at myself. My scars were sure to be much worse since the last time I'd looked at them. I showered quickly, but enjoyed the water very much. Once I stepped out, dried off, and got myself into the long robe left for me, I was surprised how much better I felt.

I opened the door for the girls and they practically danced back into the room. Alice moved me over to sit on a stool in front of the mirror before she and Rosalie started to collect various things from around the room.

The mirror held a different reflection in it now. It was still the same alien girl, but, after cleaning up, she was much easier to look at. The absence of dried dirt and blood made her look almost normal. I noticed my hair was still the same, but I could see more of the red undertones to it than before. My eyes and lips were the same shapes as before, however different they seemed to me now. I was surprised I could even find traces of myself in this creature in the mirror.

"I'm sure it's nice to feel more like yourself again." Rosalie smiled at me in the mirror.

"Something like that." I agreed halfheartedly.

She seemed to sense where my thoughts had gone to and took a few steps towards me, "Bella, I know the change to your looks is a little difficult at first, but, once you adjust a little more, you'll be able to see that you're not actually as different looking as you think you are. I promise."

"Thanks." I nodded.

"Of course." She smiled at me again. "Now, turn around. It will probably make you feel a little more at ease and Alice will want to do a big reveal later, I'm sure."

"Correct." Alice nodded seriously as she toted over a tray of nail items.

While Alice and Rosalie worked on my nails, filing them and shaping them meticulously with something that resembled a small power tool, I began to wonder why they were going through the trouble of all this.

"So...what's the point of this?" I asked them carefully once Alice sorted through different nail polish colors.

Alice and Rosalie looked at each other with a worried expression, "It's just a tiny spa day, Bella." Rosalie began. "This is supposed to be relaxing. Are we scaring you?"

"No," I shook my head, "I'm not scared. I'm more curious than anything. I guess I just don't really know how to relax anymore. I was wondering why we're doing any of this."

"Well, this has gotten terribly sad." Alice frowned. "You've been through hell. I think you're more than entitled to some rest now. We'll have to find how to help you do that." She nodded to herself with a new determination on her face.

"What color would you like?" Rosalie asked me, watching me as I watched Alice return to her basket of nail polish colors.

"I'm trying to find that certain red that you wear sometimes. It'll look great with that little red-"

"Scratch that, Alice." Rosalie told her. "We're letting Bella decide things from now on. She gets to pick her nail color and she gets to pick her clothes."

"But-"

"But nothing." Rosalie cut her off firmly. "Bella decides."

"Fine." Alice relented. "So? What color would you like?" She turned and asked me.

"Umm...clear?" I guessed.

"Clear? Seriously?" Alice smiled fondly, like I had managed to surprise her.

Rosalie giggled and took a clear polish from Alice's basket, "Come on, you heard her. We're going for French chic today, apparently." She winked at me as Alice giggled.

They talked about all sorts of things as they worked on my nails and hair. Occasionally they'd ask if I had any experience or something to say about the topic. While I didn't have a lot to say, it did feel a little nice to be included in the sister's conversation.

Until Alice asked me about my dating history anyway.

"None." I answered and both girls stopped what they were doing.

"None?" Rosalie questioned me. "You're kidding with us, Bella!"

I shook my head, suddenly feeling like I'd said the wrong thing, "I'm not. I've never dated anyone. I was barely seventeen when I was changed."

"Seventeen is still old enough to have gone out with someone, even if it's was just a time or two."

"I was focused on school and taking care of my mom. Plus, I was just never interested in anyone. Not from what I remember anyway." I continued to confess and wondered why the hell I was still talking about this.

Rosalie just shook her head, "I'm sorry, we don't mean to tease you, but I think we're both just a little surprised. You're so pretty, and I've heard how smart you are, so I guess I'm just shocked. Any boy would be out of his mind to not chase you."

"You don't have to say things like that." I told her. "There's no point to any of it. I'm just not someone who's cut out for that sort of thing now."

Alice frowned at me, "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I know I'm not worth anyone looking at me in that way. I wasn't anything special before and I'm nothing now. Look at me, I'm horrifically scarred and my first instinct when someone touches me is to fight them off." I ranted, my anger building.

"Bella, it's not that bad, really-"

"This isn't that bad?" I pulled the robe back from my leg, exposing my knee and the thick ring of scaring around it from Archers first lesson in pain he gave me. The rest of my leg was covered in various scars and puncture wounds. So much that my leg had nearly more white scars than pale skin on it. "Please explain to me how anyone, including myself, could ever see this and not think of me as some kind of monster."

Rosalie opened her mouth and shut it again. Apparently it was much harder to say anything superficial and nice when the issue was right in front of you. She couldn't mask her shock at the sight of the damage.

"You've lost your leg before?" Alice spoke up instead, sounding entirely casual. "I didn't see that happen."

"One of the first lessons you learn is how to fight even when you've lost a limb." I nodded, my anger fading slowly. "Archer ripped my leg off and ordered two other vampires to attack me. I won, somehow, but it was hell."

Alice nodded in understanding, "Jaspers lost several of his too. He nearly lost his head one time. The scar at the back of his neck is one of my favorites, actually."

"What are you talking about?" I stared at her, not understanding what she could be thinking.

"I mean," Alice looked at me with a set gaze, "that Jaspers scars aren't frightening to me. They never have been. Sure, it was a little intense and shocking at first, but they're just something physical that proves how much he went through to survive. I love him because he fought so hard and eventually found me. His scars only help remind me of that."

I couldn't speak. Partially because I couldn't think of any sort of response, and also because I couldn't make any sense out of it. Of course, I didn't think that the Major wasn't deserving of love, but that he had someone like Alice seemed more than what a former soldier could hope for. She was so tiny and gentle and psychic for crying out loud. It was obvious how special and loved she was by everyone around her. I couldn't fathom how a hardened ex-soldier had ever managed to convince her to love him. I didn't think that I'd ever be able to do that.

"Alright, your hair is done." Alice continued on cheerfully.

I was beginning to feel like I was experiencing whiplash.

"Anything in particular you'd like to wear?" Rosalie asked gently, and I felt guilty for scaring her earlier. "You get to pick, remember?"

"Umm, I don't know." I shrugged, wanting to avoid her eye contact. It only made me feel worse.

"I'll bring several options then." Alice nodded. "Maybe that way you won't be so overwhelmed."

Alice left her bedroom entirely, and I wondered if the closet in what they were calling my room had some things in it already. I made eye contact with Rosalie on accident, and before I knew it I was talking again.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Rosalie." I apologized before thinking about it. "I didn't expect for the topic to bug me so much."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you too." She apologized in turn, but I didn't think it was necessary. "You didn't scare me. I didn't realize how much scarring you had, but my words still stand. You're smart and pretty and very kind. I can see that someone could love you easily. I hope you'll see that too someday."

Before I could say anything, Alice came strutting back into the room with her arms full of clothes.

"Okay, here we are!" Alice practically danced as she hung up my options proudly.

My stomach twisted as I looked over the outfits from my seat. A blue dress that would end probably just above my knees, a tee shirt and skirt combination, and a long-sleeved shirt and shorts set. All of them would put my scars on full display for everyone to see and judge me by. Scars sometimes were an automatic fear factor for other vampires, and I worried that seeing them would make the others more hostile. Intense fear and shame shot through me at the idea of everyone seeing my damage. Especially so soon into knowing each other. What if they couldn't stomach it? What if they turned me away once they saw the full extent of my monstrous behavior?

"So? What do you think?" Alice smiled encouragingly, quite obviously trying to get me to pick the blue dress by the way she kept adjusting it on its hanger.

"I think they're all...very nice." I nodded and Alice smiled widely at me from the praise I'd given her.

"But?" Rosalie prompted me, sensing my obvious hesitation.

"I've already shown you that I'm...I'm not pretty." I shook my head, feeling the shame of all I'd shown them and talked to them about my scars already. Instead of meeting their eyes, I chose to stare at the floor, "Any of these options would put my scars on full display. It's bad enough I've shown the two of you already. I can't have everyone looking at my damage."

"Oh Bella," Alice sighed sadly, "I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about it and we've just talked about it all. I wasn't thinking. I'll get you a pair of jeans and a sweater you'll like instead." She moved to leave again, but stopped just at the door. "I want you to know that no one here thinks of you as being damaged. It's going to be hard for you to accept that for some time still, I understand that, but I wanted you to hear it still."

"Thank you." I nodded, trying my best to offer her a small smile through the discomfort I felt over her words.

"Of course," she nodded, "let me get you those jeans and a sweater." Alice was halfway through her closet when her voice called back to me, "Any color request?"

I eyed the blue dress. I remembered vaguely that I liked to wear blue as a human, or was it purple? I remembered the color, but I couldn't remember why I'd like to wear it anymore. I wondered if I actually liked it at all.

"Blue, please." I decided and Alice clapped happily.