Chapter Fourteen

Indecipherable Emotions

Bella Swan

March 2005

Esme met us on the back porch, and her smile was wide and welcoming, "so? How'd you fair?"

"Umm..."

Jasper chuckled, "mom, she's seventeen, remember? She probably doesn't know a ton of the lingo from a hundred years ago."

"Oh!" Esme laughed at herself. "I'm sorry. How did you do hunting?" She adjusted her language for me.

"Great." I nodded. "It tastes terrible, but I can definitely get used to that. I'm just happy I don't have to hurt anyone anymore."

It wasn't possible to misinterpret the expression on her face. There was a look of pure pride there as she ushered Alice, Jasper, and myself into the house. As she followed behind me, a thought seemed to occur to her.

"Edward said to let you know when you returned that he'd be in his room organizing some new music. He said you asked to speak with him some more and he'd told you he'd be somewhere else." Esme told me and Alice and Jasper shared a look. One that I couldn't interpret at all.

"Okay, thank you." I nodded and went to go upstairs.

Alice was suddenly in front of me on the stairs, and something about the fast movement sent me into a defensive crouch.

"No you don't." Jasper had my arm behind my back, and my breath caught in my lungs from the strange painful pressure. I hadn't been taught any of these pressure points he kept using on me.

"Oops." Alice looked sheepish as Jasper slowly let me out of the hold as I calmed down. "Sorry, Bella. Didn't mean to freak you out."

"I know, I'm sorry too, and I didn't mean to. I swear."

Alice smiled in understanding, "I know you didn't. Besides, nothing happened and it wouldn't have. You'd have straightened up in a moment." She spoke with absolute confidence. "I was only going to suggest that we get you cleaned up a bit so there's no dirt being tracked all around Esme's clean house."

"Oh! Right, of course." I agreed with her.

After I'd showered and changed in Alice's bathroom, preferring the familiarity of her room over the bath down the hall, I towel dried my hair a little bit before I joined Alice in her room.

"Edward's room is at the top of the stairs to the third story. It's actually an attic space Esme converted for his room and her office." Alice told me immediately.

I realized that she had seen me ask a question about which room was Edward's. She just went ahead and answered me rather than wait for the question. The levels to Alice's gift were becoming more astronomical by the minute.

"What does Esme do?" I asked. "I know Carlisle's a human doctor, that's still wild to me, but I haven't heard what she does."

"Architecture, mostly. She also has an exceptional interior design business. She funds several charities that she established with all of her profits." Alice smiled proudly. "And somehow she manages to find the time to parent all of her heathen children and do charity work around town as well."

"Oh, so she's actually a Disney princess then, huh?"

Alice laughed and I grinned that I had been intentionally funny and successful again. She shooed me away as she told me to get back to my original task.

I stopped at the guest room first, the one they'd been calling mine, and grabbed the most familiar book off the shelf before leaving quickly. The breakdown I'd had in the night was still fresh on my mind. I was gaining some confidence in my footing here, but I wouldn't let myself settle on the idea of this being a home for me just yet. I hovered at the bottom of the stairs just outside my door for a moment before I forced myself to be brave and climb the walled-in stairway.

A door was just to the left of the top of the stairs and stood wide open. I felt like I was suddenly standing in Edward's room, and I almost ducked back down the first few stairs until Edward called me.

"Bella, it's alright, you can come in." Edward nodded in encouragement and I carefully stepped into the doorway.

He was sitting on the floor by his bookshelves, and his legs seemed even longer when stretched out on the ground. There was a box of CDs and books beside him, and I could tell he'd been filing them away in his massive collection. Both the wall with the door on it and the wall to the left were covered in floor to ceiling bookshelves like the ones in the guest room. Except, unlike the room directly below his, his shelves were crammed with possibly every CD and book known to mankind.

His room seemed better stocked than any music store could hope to be. In the corner by the window, the same ceiling to floor window as the room below, sat a sound system that I'd be sure to break just by looking at it too long. There wasn't the same huge canopied bed like the guest room though. He had a bed frame that sat nearly on the ground that had the most comfortable looking bedding and pillows I'd ever seen. His floor was covered in a thick golden carpet unlike the hardwood in the rest of the house, and his walls had thick-looking fabric panels hanging like artwork all around the room. There were only a few pictures hung up, and they all were of his family through different times from what I could see. His room had to be even more soundproofed than the others, if that was even possible.

"Good acoustics?" I guessed.

Apparently, I had finally chosen to break the silence rather than stand in his doorway like a frightened cat. Edward turned to look at me for the first time since I'd entered, and his expression seemed different from when I'd spoken to him earlier in the day. He looked...less troubled. Maybe? Or maybe he seemed hopeful? I couldn't understand his expression.

He seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts, and he nodded when he remembered I'd asked a question. Entirely gracious as always, he picked up a remote nearby him and turned the stereo on. A quiet tinkling piano piece began to play, and it sounded like the piano was being played in the same room.

I expected the music to be good. I didn't see how someone with such a huge collection could have a bad taste in music, but, what I hadn't expected, was for the song choice to make me suddenly emotional.

I felt breathless, my throat was tight again, and I slowly slid down the doorframe to sit against the wall.

"Bella?" Edward panicked, shifted towards me slightly, and kept one hand up in an obvious sign he wasn't going to attack me. "Bella, what happened? Are you alright?" He asked while reaching slightly around me to pull the door shut.

"Clair de Lune." I gasped, putting my back against the wall tightly, as a fierce longing for my mom shocked my system. "My mom played piano, badly, but this is one of the songs she'd play from a stereo and try to follow along with. I liked this one the best."

Edward nodded as if he understood, "I learned to play piano as a human only because my mother played very well. She wanted it to be something we shared, she still played much better than I did when I was changed, but I decided to keep playing after my change in an attempt to honor her memory. Over time, it's become my favorite pastime." He spoke to me gently, very kindly, and I recognized that he was both trying to calm me down while also telling me the feeling wasn't unwarranted.

"Thank you for helping me." I grinned before my focus shifted to the shelves again. "How do you have everything organized?" I asked him.

He didn't seem to have been paying attention to my question at all. His eyes were looking at me though, and I worried I had something on my face or in my hair by the way he stared at me. It was the same easy peaceful look he'd had a moment ago, but there was something heavy about his expression.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

Edward blinked quickly and nodded, "yes, sorry, I don't know what came over me." He shook his head as he sat back down a few feet away from me. "Umm, music is organized by year, then genre, and then my personal preference within the grouping. The books are all by my preference in each genre." He said absentmindedly.

I turned to look at him, and he was looking at me with that strange expression again.

"Seriously, Edward. What is it? Is something still in my hair from outside?" I worried.

"What? No, no," he shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as if embarrassed with himself, "I'm just a little...surprised by how nice it is to have you here. Alice has told us all plenty about you, just like she does with everything else, but it's better having you here than I expected it to be."

I was shocked. I felt guilty again for not telling him that I was planing how to incapacitate him in order to flee his coven when we'd first met. But, now didn't feel like the time for that, and I told myself I'd have to make it up to him some other time.

"That's very sweet of you." I grinned again and his eyes looked distracted again. "I think I'm starting to be kind of happy here." I shrugged.

Edward smiled at me beautifully and my head swam a little bit from the sudden grip that his perfect face and scent had on me. I didn't think I'd ever get enough of the smell of juniper and vanilla on him, and it saturated his bedroom all around me. I knew my first impression of him, when I'd first seen him, and then again after I'd learned he wasn't a threat to me, was that he was beyond pretty. However, I hadn't expected to find him...attractive? Was this what that felt like?

"I'm glad to hear that." He nodded but I had forgotten what I'd even said to prompt that response. "So, what question did you have for me? The one you mentioned earlier in the study?"

"Oh, right." I shook my head as I forced myself to try to stay on track. "Something about the way you both spoke at times had me wondering about something. Have you always stayed with Carlisle? It's obvious how much he cares about you and the others, but there seemed like there was more to the story. Of course you don't have to tell me, but I-"

"Bella, it's alright." He assured me, and I tried to force the jolt of happiness hearing him say my name so sweetly gave me out of my system. "When I awoke to this existence, I immediately knew what everyone around me was thinking. Every thought was like someone was screaming inside of my head back then. It was maddening." He frowned as he stared outside his window at the peaceful view. "I had only known Carlisle very briefly in my human life, he was a new doctor in my hometown just before my change, but I immediately trusted him as my guide. His thoughts have always been so honest, sometimes too honest," he laughed at what I was sure was an inside joke between himself and his father, "and so that's why it took me ten years to work up the nerve to defy him."

"Defy him?" I questioned the wording. "Like, you rebelled against his rules?"

Edward shrugged, "I guess you could say that. Carlisle doesn't have strict rules for us all, he's a father not a dictator, and he certainly didn't have rules with only Esme and I at his side. He only asks that we attempt to abstain from human blood in order to live a more stable lifestyle, but of course we've all committed to the vision out of our own consciousness by now." He explained to me. "During my rebellion, I left him and Esme for an extended amount of time to actively go against his wishes for me. You might think of me differently for this, but I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence that he was teaching me. I actually resented him for a short time for curbing my appetite. I left and used my gift to actively hunt down the most dangerous humans I could find."

"You left to hunt humans?" I asked dumbly.

There was no way I could reconcile the two ideas of him I had in my head now. It was either this beautiful person sitting here in his music-filled room in a house surrounded by people who loved him, or, a bloodthirsty demonic angel who'd lure humans into back alleys to have his fill of them. Both people could not be the same person in my mind.

"My gift allowed me the unique opportunity to choose the vilest people humanity had to offer. Rapist, murderers, abusers, and the list goes on. I had a warped sense of reality, I admit it, because I genuinely convinced myself I was doing the right thing by ridding the world of such evil. I told myself that if I only pursued evil, if I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl, and if I could save her...then surely I wasn't so terrible."

I found myself nodding along with his way of thinking, surprisingly. Apparently I had judged him too quickly. Oh the irony. While I was beginning to see another way of life for myself, I had to admit that his plan didn't sound horrible if there wasn't another option besides human blood. He'd gotten to keep his morals while still feeding himself, and that didn't seem so terrible.

He continued on, "I returned to Carlisle and Esme after only a few years, swearing my loyalty and that I'd recommit to his vision for me. I had played god and expected to not have complex feelings about my actions. There was still my conscience left, after all. Time passed and I could only see myself as a monster in my eyes. There was no longer a way to justify all the death I'd caused. I went back to Carlisle and Esme, expecting to have to beg forgiveness and plead with them to let me return, but they welcomed me back like a beloved son returned home at last. It was so much more than I'd hoped for. More than I could ever have deserved."

"Because they love you." I told him, and it all made perfect sense to me. "If I'd managed to show up at my dad's house, and not kill him, I know he'd do anything to help me. Even as I am now, scars and all, there would be nothing he wouldn't do for me because he loves me. They might not be your biological parents, but they sure treat you like they are. It's easy to see."

"Thank you, Bella. That means a lot to me, actually." Edward smiled again.

"Me, on the other hand," I spoke nervously in an attempt to not get sidetracked by him again, "if I pulled a stunt like that now and tried to say sorry for it later...I'd probably never be trusted again."

Edward stared at me for a long minute, as if he couldn't comprehend what I had said, "you're still expecting everyone around you to start running and screaming at the first sign of trouble, aren't you? You honestly believe that we all would cast you aside so easily?"

His words cut deep and I could only nod.

"I hate to burst your bubble," he laughed easily, "but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually." The lie was clear as day on his face, but his voice sounded totally confident.

I tucked my leg underneath my hip before I stilled completely. My eyebrow raised in disbelief before I felt a wide and wicked smile stretch across my face.

"You really shouldn't have said that." I shook my head.

I growled, the sound was always too deep and guttural to seem natural for my face and features, and I sprung slightly up onto my leg. More than ready to pounce at a seconds notice.

"You wouldn't dare to-"

I leapt at him, apparently too fast for him to react, and I rolled him over my shoulder before throwing him flat on his back in his bed. The headboard slammed into the wall but everything else remained sturdy. I had barely even jostled him, but he was gasping as he tried to process what had happened. His hand reached out to grab my waist in some kind of lame defense.

I wasn't having it. I sprung again, trapping his hands under mine and pinning his torso down with one of my legs as I kept my other foot firmly planted on the floor.

"You were saying?" I growled playfully, my face only a few inches above his, and I couldn't help but grin at him out of pure humor.

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," he relented. His dripping sarcasm wasn't as effective when he still sounded breathless. His pretty golden eyes were intent on my face, but he had an expression I couldn't place again. I finally decided he looked sufficiently scared enough to let him up.

"Much better." I approved before releasing him.

Edward sat on the edge of his bed as I folded myself onto the floor again, and his eyes looked wild, "I hardly even saw you move!"

"I figured that out." I nodded. "You didn't even try to react and gave up almost immediately. There was no counter attempt in sight from you, well, besides the half-attempt to grab me."

Edward laughed, loudly, and I relaxed knowing that he wasn't upset or angry with me by my teasing fake fight.

"What is going on up here?" Emmett's booming voice sounded very muffled from behind the heavy door.

Edward groaned like a brother being pestered by a younger sibling, "Come on in, Em." He called back to him loudly.

The door swung open and Emmett stood in the threshold looking at us in complete disbelief.

"I told Bella that she wasn't scary and she attacked me to prove a point." Edward ratted me out immediately.

"Oh, but I shove you down accidentally and you throw me through a coffee table?" Emmett turned on me. "How is that fair? I actually wanted to fake fight with you!"

I was stunned, "I threw you through a coffee table? And no one told me! I feel so bad I-"

"Emmett, see, that's why we agreed not to say anything!" Edward chided him. He looked fiercely protective of me.

"Oh whatever, it's fine, no one cares. Esme had it replaced before you ever even came back inside with Jasper." Emmett rolled his eyes at me. "Now tell me about this fight!"

"It wasn't much of a fight at all." I disagreed with him. "I just rolled him over my shoulder and dropped him on his bed. He tried to move so I pinned his hands and then his torso with my leg."

"Hot." Emmett winked at me and I never wanted to spontaneously combust more than in that moment. "I thought I heard a headboard banging up here. Pretty sure I'd find you having a different kind of-"

"Out!" Edward ordered firmly and he looked more than furious with his brother.

"Actually," I mused, "Emmett, if you're so eager to fight me, then why don't you find Jasper and meet me in the backyard?"

"Seriously!" He looked like a toddler at Christmas. "Wait, why do we need Jasper?"

"Oh, I need him there to make sure I don't hurt you too badly. I wouldn't want Rosalie angry with me." I grinned at him.